Taylor's Best Stories

I have my own example vigilante justice from from last weekend did you collar on poppy Taylor's got a story yeah this so last weekend me and my dad and my stepmom we're driving down to meet up with a bunch of people mostly family for the Mizzou tailgate there was one of the first tailgates we're all going there and so there's supposed to be a fun day my dad wakes me or I get over there and I sleep the whole way in the car until we get to the parking garage and we quickly realize as we're six levels up in this parking garage like [ __ ] this place might be entirely full and then we started seeing those cars come back around and pass us and we're like [ __ ] we're screwed we're gonna have to try and find somewhere else in the city and then as we're taking one of those turns we look straight ahead and we see a tall lanky college student and a recycling bin with like those four circles that you can put plastic cups and stuff into and he was just standing right in the middle of a spot and my dad stopped like we're probably thirty feet from him and my dad goes that is that just a regular spot like Taylor say just normal spot and I kind of like looked around I'm like yeah it's just a normal that's just a normal spot and he goes well get out and move that kid and I was like okay and so I opened the door in the back and I leaned out and I'm like hey is that a handicapped spot like I was trying to be polite as a way of saying like hey we're clearly interested in being in this spot that you're just standing in cuz because you're disobeying the rule the conduct of society right now and he goes no it's not a handicapped and I was like okay we're gonna park there and he goes I can't I'm saving it I'm like nah that's not how this works and my dad set up he goes Taylor gonna move that kid in that trash can and so I got out of the car this guy's probably three inches taller than me four inches taller than me but very lean I'm like I'm twice as broad as him and I walk over to him and I'm like dude we're taking this spot like it that's the way this is gonna go it's gonna happen you can't just reserve spots like this and he's like I'm a pledge at a fraternity I'm gonna be in so much trouble if they don't let me save this spot please just don't take the spot and I'm like dude I don't care I don't [ __ ] care and I - dragging away the the recycling bit a wave out of the spot and he grabbed the other side of it and I gave a little tug and I quickly was like no nope and I put it over to the side and he's still standing there and I'm like dude please move we're gonna park here like it that's the way it's gonna go and he's like oh I bet you feel like you're a big guy right now you know bullying someone who's you know a freshman in college and I'm like dude I don't want to be doing this I don't want this to happen I don't want to be in this position this is uncomfortable as [ __ ] there are people mind you this is before a giant football game in an SEC school so we are not alone in this parking garage lots of people walk in a crowd as this is happening and the guy I give him like a very gentle like push of the arm knotted Chuck just like trying to usher him out like a crowd out of the way to let my dad pull in safely and he [ __ ] up but he gets all you know I'm not moving I'm not moving you know this is ridiculous I'm gonna be in so much trouble he kept yelling that I'm gonna be in so much trouble take the spot for me I have to reserve it for my friend you know and I was like no no you don't get to just reserve spots in public places that's not how this works and so I I bear grabbed the guy around him and I pulled him to the side of the spot and I thought that was enough cuz then my dad started inching forward and I was like okay the kid knows that he's been beaten and so I let him go and he reached back into the spot right up against my dad's bumper as my dad it's like two feet into the spot he's standing there not letting my dad pull in all the way and I was like dude come on like I don't want to have to do this you are making me do this right now like just preserve spots like this and so I went over I picked him up again as he struggled minimally not a very strong gentleman and I carried him over and then just held him for the next six seconds or so as my dad finished pulling in and then I let him go of course cuz I don't actually want to be doing this and he turns around at me and he's all oh I bet you feel like a big man but you feel like a big man holding me while you take the spot I'm like no dude like I just I'm here for a football game like I don't want any of this this is so uncomfortable do you not see how many [ __ ] people are looking at us and my dad and my stepmom are still getting out of the car and he goes yeah well I'm real glad I know where you parked and then I I had like a like freak out on the guy to the point that I could tell it was like when a dad yells to the kid how scared he was where like it was resonating through the parking garage and I'm like did you just [ __ ] threaten me do you just threaten my property in this parking garage are you [ __ ] kidding me what fraternity are you what's your name what's your name he's like shuttle down do you like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do anything or do anything to your car I promise like Oh after you threatened me do I need to make sure you go down there and stay away from this car and my dad got out and he walks up and he goes click click he goes alright now I know who to talk about if anything happens to this car and then took a picture of the guy and then I just grabbed the cooler and left that was it it was Lady Justice I would say yeah absolutely yeah I hate that I I didn't know that was a real thing I've seen that like YouTube videos of that of like those people who do that who's try to stand in a parking space it's not like a seat at the movie theater that's not that's you can't do that these are for vehicles again it's rude to on a busy day just say oh I'm gonna save this parking spot I can just save this like it's a seat at the movies or a restaurant like no dude that's not how society works you don't just get to save parking spots for your friend you're drunk idiot frat boyfriend to show up later I've said it before on the show so I'll keep it fast but I remember I didn't get in trouble for it cuz no one ever found out but I still remember first day of [ __ ] kindergarten going in asking if I could use the bathroom go into the bathroom going in a stall to pee because somebody's I don't think I had urinals in there and going in and just pissing all over the top of the toilet and the sidewalls of the stall and in my head I'm 5 years old my head thought over and over was big boys do what they want [Laughter] like oh you're a big boy now you're going to kindergarten and I was like I took that to heart and I was like hell yeah big boys do what they talk about this toilet based emergencies have you ever had a toilet overflow on you a la Dumb and Dumber or something and just make a real shitty awful mess whether the scenario was embarrassing or not let's hear about that I want to know have you done this before this is like one of those scenarios that you don't think about ever because like when even the thought of it pops in your head you just haha you cringe and wish that weren't you you were remembering that was somebody else that's a past life right it was like the perfect storm awful it was I was at my girlfriend in high schools house after school and there at the parents house parents house yeah okay and we're hanging out there and I every Thursday we got Qdoba in the morning that's like breezes Friday and I had been blocked up all day like I hadn't [ __ ] since the previous burrito and so I go in go to the bathroom I was gonna go up in the upstairs one where it was a bit safer but I price in there and it's like oh you just go downstairs the one in the right by the entranceway to the house that bathroom and I'm just like alright well I hop in there take just a foul abomination of the [ __ ] and let's just go to flush it and have now let me ask you this about the [ __ ] was it one of those that as horrible as it is it's over in like seven seconds flat oh it was it was a meat run you know one of those like you have to sit quickly so you don't just [ __ ] everywhere well yeah yeah you're like shuffling down yes it comes out so quickly and so much force that like there are waves splashing but I go in there and take the [ __ ] and I feel so much better immediately sloshed about to leave and I see I see that scary look that that tepid filth water moving a little close to the top oh this probably just takes a bit some toilets raised higher keeps coming keeps coming it gets to the point like I'm like like willing it and it gets to like the right on the the rim of the ball just soupy [ __ ] water and it's like like an idiot instead of just plunging it and trying to get it under control I we were for you flush to get the poop to go away and yes do it without thinking did it without thinking immediately realize the error of my ways as it just cascades down the side all over the place like three minutes later after this and I'm like hey and she walks in through the front door and like of course I was right by there and she was like oh Jesus oh my god I'm just standing there it was like even thinking about it now I'm cringing so this is a very there's something about mary type scenario what happened with you and this girl post you [ __ ] in her house I mean it wasn't like a huge freakout like I think she was just as oh I was almost where she was like oh god this guy's [ __ ] all over my house but yeah obviously didn't end up working out quite a while later but I don't think it was [ __ ] related yeah what's walk into that's hilarious so to be had this teacher in high school who was like legitimately going blind like he couldn't see light yellow he couldn't see yellow very well at all we would like play we could like definitely like play catch with tennis balls in his class while he was talking to us and as long as they were brand-new catch it someone else he didn't know was going on we we put a doll in a seat one day for a kid that was out and it was like it was not blow up it was like a straw doll for like one of those field day things they were doing and they put it there one point one point he was like Jared care to comment and no guess not and that that one just came back to me this is another one to do this he made us turn in our essays had to be longer in that class because he couldn't read like the 12-point font as well really nice guy but he made us do a big presentation on a piece of poster board and it was like about some some pastry [ __ ] like maybe a Renaissance era and we had we did it we did everything correctly we all did it as a group I thought that it was gonna go off without a hitch just a regular presentation boring and they're like troublemaker in our group who was selected to be the presenter because there's only one person presenting and the other two people did the work so it was like all right I can do their [ __ ] you just don't [ __ ] it up when you get up there he had written in highlighter in the background of all the details of it so that all the kids could see it just wrote you are a [ __ ] on the poster board in highlighter and so he got up there and like my name's on this project standing up there and like me and my other mate are just like oh Jesus Christ were so [ __ ] were so [ __ ] this is gonna work and he gave the whole presentation everybody's laughing the teachers just like now now the Baroque era isn't that funny has no idea but so I wasn't immediately associated with that but it was really [ __ ] yeah why really taking advantage about I don't I know I told her on my channel years and years ago but about the poop bandit story okay so there's this it wasn't it's not me the bathroom bandit they call him at our high school this kid this weirdo and I was the only one who a hundred percent new to my knowledge what was happening who was doing it because I almost caught him on accident one day early in the morning this kid we this weird kid you could go into school sometimes really early and he would go into the bathroom [ __ ] into a paper towel and then write on the wall Joker asked messages like ha ha ha ha ha you'll never catch me in [ __ ] on the wall or on the inside of stalls and like like like clues like getting closer question to the point that our morning announcements they had to say like to whoever has been defacing our bathrooms please if you know anything about this person report it to the principal you won't be told out but the time I figured out it was him and this happened at all times throughout the day it wasn't always the morning there were we never got fun you'd go to class come back out before lunch I need to use the restroom walk in ha ha ha find it like he got to the point that teachers were logging your bathroom exit school really early when he decided to strike one day and I walked I was about to walk through the bathroom and this kid walked out and he knew me and so he was like Oh Taylor I wouldn't go in there if I were it seems a certain bandit struck again Mike I knew it was you know he he knew when to stop it was an oceans 11 style you know calculated calculated he was running there but that's the poor janitor he became so sullen and downfall and every time he had to go in there and [ __ ] then you're a smarter man than me because when I was in high school I had a group of friends and we would go to this place called sky Zone I don't know if that was like all over the place or it was just like a regional thing but it was basically floors and walls not like straight up walls but like the angled kind and then the floor of trampolines there's all trampolines and you could go into like the free jumping area and like [ __ ] around and do like crazy flips and whatnot but we never did that they had a dodgeball course there a couple of them and it was like the same thing ton of trampolines on the ground and then like training points on the side so you could like jump up and do like flips off the wall while you're dodging and throwing it was really really cool and fun and we used to go there me and like people like for other friends and we'd go and play like Pub matches I guess is the equivalent of that we'd go and play any takers and we would thrash people we didn't lose ever ever playing against in our pub matches like it got to the point where like we all pumped each other up enough like we'd like leave there and go to steak and shake or something nearby I'd be like yeah we're pretty [ __ ] good at this did you see do you see they have a tournament for this stop dude let's enter the tournament it's only like 15 bucks person and well we'll go we'll play in the tournament who knows you know but maybe we'll do decently well maybe we're not gonna win but we'll do okay I'm sure like we beat everybody and it's the same kind of thing that's holding out hope yo we'll win yeah like you like there are clips of like there was this guy from like a few years ago named John Scott in the NHL he's like 6 foot 10 or something [ __ ] and was just an enforcer and next to NHL players News plan he looked terrible like just like was not on the level of the other NHL errs but then you watch clips of that guy with like normal humans and like normal hockey players like beer league guys and like holy [ __ ] this guy's got dangles he's got hands he's up and down he's moving back and forth real quick and like like that was the level of skill difference that like was shown to me after this is we show up and first thing I notice is we're the only team that doesn't have a uniform I showed up we showed up in t-shirts and shorts a bunch we're a bunch of 16 year old guys and everybody else has like ball fondlers' or like other other other sexual puns and stuff written on their chest and and the other thing I noticed at first is like oh no these are adults all of these are adult men in their like mid 20s mid 30s like fit active men and there was one big fat Samoan guy on like the ball fondlers' team or something and I'm like well hopefully we get put up against them cuz I could hit that guy no problem like he's not jumping anywhere he's gonna puncture a hole in the goddamn train boys yeah so thank God we got paired up against this guy's team in the first round and like they have all the balls in the middle you know and so as it starts what we'd used to do is we jump to the middle looks turns out that we didn't have a physics professor because the other guy did this crazy thing where he was like skipping across the trampolines are like running lizards across water that Jesus Christ and and so we get there we are our team only gets like three of the balls they get like seven and we're in the back kind of like bounce up and down like all right you all right we've got to wait and let them throw some first before we start going and the big fat Samoan guy hasn't moved he's standing from the back in between where the trampolines are on one of the hard areas and one of the guys who grabbed the one of the good balls everybody's plays dodgeball knows that there are the good balls and the shitty balls and he grabs the good ball gives it to you know the guy who looks like he's saying somewhere over the rainbow in that giant guy who died big fat and gives it to him and he immediately just he fires a dodge ball harder than I've ever seen anyone throw a dodgeball in my life it was there was no [ __ ] arc there was nothing it was a frozen rope just hits my buddy who's usually pretty good at catching just it's so hard it bounces back one of their sly guys does a little skip and maneuver grabs it again gives it to the big guy he fires another one out gets another one my friends out I'm already realizing this was a poor decision of wasting dollars I like we tried getting them so hard we maybe got two of their guys out the whole game and we got pummeled like all six teams or whatever we're playing on like two of the three courts and our game was over when they were like a third of the way through their real game with real men it was terrible by the time we got to match three the active conversation in our group was how many more are left like how many more times we have to we have to go against big Samoan guy again cuz I don't want to I don't want to play that way one of my friends got hit so hard and was so discouraged we had an extra friend there who ended up pinching in that he goes I'm [ __ ] done with this this isn't fun and so he went up to like that balcony to watch us get our asses kicked douche you know who I'm talking to if you're listening to this Carter but yeah this that it was not a fun experience but it really opened my eyes to like wow I thought I was genuinely really really above-average bordering on pretty good at dodgeball and these guys demonstrated that we suck [ __ ] and we didn't even have the wherewithal to stop at a you know screen printing press for shirts area and get a clever name so that was in eighth grade shop on the track team and I [ __ ] hated it I hated track I'm screwed my parents were like you know you got to do something before hockey season starts because we want you to be active all year and it's like whatever track first meat first track me ever I to be fair I had not shown promise in any event I just like you know you do this Jesus all right do that oh and they put me in the hundred meter hurdles who would have thought I'd be the right event for their goalie would go on they put me in it and I'm there and I looked down the line and the guy right next to me is a guy also from my school and I know that he is really [ __ ] fast at this because I've watched him do it really [ __ ] fast next to me and what I do like I don't know like six hurdles or would however many there are in a hundred meter I ran got the first one off a [ __ ] jump to be fair this leg right leg went over at left leg kind of like when a swoop you know does that illegal or just bad form legal but I was like 14 so it didn't nobody was calling me on it and I get to the next one I make it over I kind of tap it a little bit I give it I give it a little bit of a shake kind of meanwhile I already have an excellent view of who's going to win the race [Laughter] everyone was so [ __ ] far ahead of me and I jump knocked it over and shame I didn't even finish the race I just went to the side didn't jump over anymore just kind of like wave into the stands of all the girls oh you know I'm over here talk to to coach coach Kirk who was over there and he's like how about you were you seem like a shot put kind of guy I'm certainly not a running type of okay and honestly going to the shot put event after that was like wandering in to like a special bus scenario where this was not like unlike the the running of the the hurdles this wasn't the cream of the crop no one here knew how to shop put more business or javelin these were all the people that couldn't run and I performed well amongst that group I was there we had that is embarrassing I could picture everybody looking at me while we're talking about pranks that same guy that the poop bandit he he had another ring in his repertoire you keep forgetting the task yeah so the way I told you guys like the end but the way the beginning of it he we were 17 and so he stayed at school after it closed it was open until I 8 o'clock because their sports practices and [ __ ] like that people are walking around he hid in a bathroom of course hid in a stall you know played with his phone or whatever sat up on the toilet and just waited until like what he said was like midnight or 1:00 a.m. just goofing around the school when everybody was gone and with him in his backpack in his locker he bought a ton of mighty putty and what mighty putty is it's you can buy it on late-night TV or you could and it was like this product or it was like you see you know take a scoop out of here and you seal it on anything and bam it's gonna stay it's gonna [ __ ] stay like there's a day they showed it where they had a chain between like two trucks or something and they made a link out of mighty putty and they let it settle and then the two trucks start driving yeah it's it's not gonna [ __ ] break it's like Jamie weld yes it is so powerful and he took his couple of tubs of mighty putty and the little spatula it comes with and he went around to almost every door in the school inner and outer and smeared mighty putty into every keyhole every keyhole he smeared mighty putty and let it dry and so the next morning when all the janitors came in to get the school ready to go nobody could get into the school so when we showed up that day for school a couple hours later the front doors to the school had been removed the hinges cuz they had bad to replace everything he didn't just put it in the keyhole you know the crack between the door and then there's a little Jam the door jam would smear that whole thing - and a couple of the teachers that he didn't like the one is basically his handler or his Wrangler as we called her we had to keep an eye on him as he was going around the school every day because he wasn't allowed to walk around unsupervised he just he coded every side of her of the Wranglers door in the mighty pie and they had oh there was so much damage and somehow they didn't they didn't put it together I knew it was him oh yeah they knew it was him but they couldn't tag enough you know so they call him in no cameras no no they were there weren't any cameras in our school at the time after after that guy came in and stole the computers and you know cooked his own [ __ ] in the kitchen they put cameras in at our school to prevent any any further cameras now good there weren't at the time they learned their lesson I don't think ours had cameras but they had motion detectors so I don't know if he would have got away with it where we were mmm that's hilarious that's such a good way to do inthere there [ __ ] - cuz I don't think he can do anything about that if you get it in there good no no he just he just really got off on upsetting people and stressing out Authority cuz it's like imagine being that principals come in for work he's already got in the back of his head like God know if that kid shits in another janitors and they're not gonna handle it I'm gonna have to be the one scrubbing off ha ha ha any closer yet and [ __ ] on the bed god I hope he just gets it under control then he shows up his eyes from sleep for this coffee and he tries to stick his key in get into the [ __ ] school because because this rabble rouser did he also did it up he broke the vending machines that way that dollar slot he smeared a bunch in there to do that because in the back of my head with a prank like that is alright I might get caught so if I do get caught let's make sure this is something that can be chalked up to boyish high jinks or something like that he's going all or nothing he's laying welcome you can't put a can [ __ ] put up a roundup penis on the football field and then they'll charge you for grass seed you know you owe us $23.75 there was like sixteen thousand dollars in damage or something like it's it could be very expensive oh yeah I mean it's so much he did another thing that he got our big armor a big group of people got called into the office like being interrogated because uh like I didn't know till later but it was like well you know so and so and so and so and so and so and so and so come into the or but poor to the office like well what the [ __ ] is this about these are the rabble rousers a teacher like went out to go leave for lunch or get something and there were two like big nails leaned up against the back of her wheels so that as soon as she backed out both of her back tires like pop but it would nail would go in and it would you know puncture it and either quickly deflate or slowly deflate and that was decided that it was a very dangerous thing that she could be like dead on the road or something if that happened and so there was like a cop or something there that to interrogate them and ask them never found out it was Sam I don't even know if that one was him but uh that same kid told me he did I never believed him for this one but there was a teacher that was not liked by anyone and just one day like he left after launching it was like oh I guess he wasn't feeling well and like a week later the poop bandit that guy told me I don't know why he he I was always so privy to these things but frayed a minute but you weren't the poop bandit were you I was not the poop bandit no I'm not the poop man but he told me yeah you know the reason that and he talked like that he's like you know the reason mr. Johnson left last week I was like no Mike why did he leave last week is like could I put five tabs of acid in his coffee in the teachers lounge and I was like did you actually put a bunch of acid in his coffee - yeah man yeah my buddy's awesome and I got a bunch of it and I put all this coffee he was like freaking out man and he left he'd never teacher driving home I was like look if I didn't know whether to believe him or not but that is one of the genuinely meanest things is like as you're like teaching and you're like like imagine that you pointed a kid like Jesse shut up and like your arm starts like extending towards I need something similar to that where it's like kind of not punking but like [ __ ] with people I used to drive carpool in high school for a while and I picked up a few people in my neighborhood one was a girl little younger than me a couple kids younger in the back all middle school age except for me and the older girl for the most part drove them old school picked them all up on the way back and they would always start unbuckle in the [ __ ] seat belts before I got to their house cuz I had like three houses to stop at and I would always yell don't like just keep your [ __ ] seat belts buckled not cuz I gave a [ __ ] about their safety because they start like rummaging and doing all their [ __ ] and it just pissed me off and stressed me out I was like can we just get you out of here so I can [ __ ] go home and so I would always do seatbelt tests and I was in my Jeep Grand Cherokee and I would be going like 35 in the the neighborhood and then just right before we were gonna get to their house because they were anticipating me slowing down slowly and easing up I just go just slam on the brakes and they would surge forward if they kept their seatbelts on like I would instruct every day Bailey and one of the kids one day I started to do it hard like the hardest ever I got up like 40 it became like a game because my brother who's back and he thought it was funny I just slam on my brakes and one day the kid in the back that I wasn't related to I'm buckles way too early I didn't know taking him to his house he's in the middle the two season firmer on the sides so I slam on the brakes so [ __ ] hard he flies up hits my dashboard crumples like with his head up on like the - and like his body down like we're the shifter is and I'm just like oh [ __ ] [ __ ] snacks out to him because I'm the carp oh you [ __ ] doubt that I've been doing seat belt testing this whole [ __ ] if they pay me to drive you to school you're not gonna tell them and I stopped doing it but uh yeah he almost really hurt himself he was like didn't know I didn't you [ __ ] you almost really hurt him that's what happened look at how your brain made it right no you know he should have stayed buckled up uh-uh I'm doling out life lessons over here that was good because good reference

Channel: PKA Highlights

Views: 162,115

Rating: 4.9319453 out of 5

Keywords: pka, pka taylor, pka murkadurkah, painkiller already, woodysgamertag, lorkappo, taylor pka, taylor's bible stories, pka bible stories, pka podcast, painkiller podcast, kyle's best stories, Painkiller Already (PKA) The Best Kyle Stories, pka clips, PKa highlight, fpsrussia's podcast, rsk, taylormurka, murkadurka, murka pka, murkadurkah, painkiller already highlights, painkiller already clips, pka highlights

Id: Uijlu7QOq0Q

Length: 31min 42sec (1902 seconds)

Published: Wed May 27 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Sorryimlikethisxxx]

shoulders look weird as fuck