Thanks for having me here. I appreciate this is my job. I got fired from a lot of other jobs, just ended up in comedy . . . I used to drive a beer truck. Well, technically, it was a UPS truck. (audience laughing) Turned into a beer truck at lunchtime. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) 35 years, married. Raised two daughters, very proud of them. They're completely independent, we're empty nesting. They're out of their house, completely on their own. I mean, of course, we're subsidizing their rent and . . . (audience laughing) but they're completely on their— you know what I mean? Completely independent and— and the cars are still registered to our house. (audience laughing) So we got a tug the insurance on the, but they're, they're complete . . . They . . . always let us know how independent they are and . . . and they're saving us money, by staying on our cell phone plan. I don't know how that works. (audience laughing) And the only reason I don't call them out on it, is 'cause I don't know how to put Netflix on my TV. I want to keep my Netflix. (audience laughing) So, I live with three grown women for the last couple of 10 years. Who wants to be me? Huh? Any other guy out there? All girls in the house. Yeah. Got a dog. Every man should have a dog. Right, guys? Got one of those shetland, pony, clydesdale German shepherd, pit bull, rottweiler mixes. (audience laughing) A man's dog. (audience laughing) Otherwise known as a Pomeranian. (audience laughing) Female Pomeranian too. That's not even. That's a blow dried Guinea pig in a Tutu. That's what that is. (audience laughing) This is a fun job. I get to travel. I work my way down to Florida a lot. And I worked down on East coast down to Florida, and roll into town. My parents are down here, so I get to visit them. I roll in their driveway. Every year, their neighbor Chester from across the street spots my car. Same conversation every year. "Hey, New York, huh?! What'd you "just do? You just drove down?" How do you answer that question without being rude? Yeah, I drove the car down Chester. Couldn't fly it down. Didn't get enough runway speed. I had to keep it on the ground. (audience laughing) "What'd you just do? Take 95 South?" Yes. Took 95 North last year, ran into a moose. I figured I was going the wrong way. (audience laughing) My mother's down there. She's out of her mind. My mother butchers words like crazy. My mother—my mother has 10,000 paper shopping bags stuffed between the refrigerator and the kitchen wall. (audience laughing) 300 Tupperware lids, no bowls. (audience laughing) And she butchers the English language. Sometimes, she tells me to say a prayer for somebody I don't know, and then she butchers the English . . . "Tommy, say a prayer. "Big Mike from church took six steps "with his brand new prostate leg!" (audience laughing) A prostate Leg? That's—I would pay money to watch a man walk on a prostate leg. (audience laughing) I would quit this job and become his agent. Are you kidding me? (audience laughing) So, this job requires a lot— I work a lot on cruise ships and one time, my father when he, you know, he's retired so it's every once in a while he pals along with me on a cruise ship. One time, I did it. It was in November. I didn't realize it was Thanksgiving. He decided to pal along with me on a cruise ship. So, it's Thanksgiving, everything's all presentation. Beautiful crystal. Beautiful, and it was just me and him. Table for two, we're off to the side. Waiter comes over, a little snobby. I don't know where he was from, but everything sounded like (french accent) Oiu oiu ooiu Anyway. (audience laughing) So it's all presentation. He goes over with this platter. He's like, oiu oiu oiu (french accent) And my father, "Hey, what's that?" He goes, this? This is the cranberry sauce. My father goes,"What?" He goes, it's is the cranberry sauce. My father goes, "Listen, pal, "I don't know what that stuff is "but cranberry sauce "is shaped like a can." (audience laughing) That's right. We're Americans. We like our sauce molded. (audience laughing) With circles on the side, so we know how to cut it straight. That's how we like it. (audience laughing) . . . a lot of things confuse me: living with all women, towels. I don't understand towels. Every day, every day, a stack of towels, will overflow the laundry basket, 'cause they won't use a towel a second time. How many towels do you need per shower? How many? Two. You always say two. It's more than two. Ask the guys. I did an audit. You have the waste towel, the chest towel, the shoulder towel, the face towel, the towel you step on. Then you touch the fancy towel with the initials, he's not allowed to touch. (audience laughing) Then you make the towel hat. (audience laughing) That's six towels. (audience laughing) Times three women, times seven showers a day. (audience laughing) NASA couldn't figure out how many towels. And by the way, how do you make those towel hats? (audience laughing) The reason I ask is I know every man in this room has tried at least once in his life. (audience laughing) Every man has failed. Even the bald guys, especially the engineers. All tried, all failed. (audience laughing) You know, nobody is home. I'm going to try that stupid towel thing. My wife is out of the shower, there's a towel on head, she could cut the grass, clean the gutters, it never moves. I would need thumbtacks, glue guns. Make a town—and guys, we'll use a towel a second time. Right? We'll use a towel 'til we go, woo. Is that me? (audience laughing) Then we'll use it one more time. (audience laughing) Shampoo confuses me. I travel a lot and I lose my shampoo. I have one brand of shampoo I been using my whole life, Head and Shoulders. Been using since 1979, right? Every once in a while, I lose it, forget it. Now, I got to wash my hair in my bathroom. I look up, my wife has 36 different bottles of shampoo to choose from. And I don't know what kind of hair I have. (audience laughing) Clarifying, texturizing, winterizing, tenderizing. I just want to wash my . . . you know what I washed my hair with? I grabbed the bottle with the least amount of stuff left in it. That's what I washed my hair with. So I got one bottle out of inventory, and into the garbage. Last time I was home, washed my hair with tangerine exfoliant scrub. Okay. (audience laughing) I get accused of stuff I don't even do in the bathroom. She's like, "Don't pee in the shower!" (audience laughing) That's disgusting. I never . . . I pee from the shower. (audience laughing) And when I have a full bladder and a steady stream, I hit that toilet 8 out of 10 times. That's pretty good. That's like a 400 hitter in baseball. Are you kidding me? (audience laughing) Nah, that was a fun job. This job requires a lot of travel. I'm a cranky traveler. I really am. It's . . . like, I used to check one big bag at the airlines, one big bag and they'd always lose 'em. You know? So instead, what I do now is I read an article. It said best thing to do is split things into two, which I did, and then they lost a suitcase with all of my left shoes. (audience laughing) Idiots. Right sir? Idiots. (audience laughing) I used to have a job in trucking and transportation. Anybody in that business out there? Trucking? Yeah, I used to, I got a job as a dispatcher. Now, I didn't know this, if anybody knows the answer feel free to yell it out. Does anybody know what they call a refrigerated truck? Anybody know? It's called a reefer. You knew that? I did not know this. (audience laughing) And when I grew up, (audience laughing) reefer had a whole different meaning. (audience laughing) So my boss goes "Briscoe, "do me a favor, get me a reefer, "and then we'll go to lunch." I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna like working here, man! I go, (audience laughing) Said, "What kind of reefer you want? He goes, "Get me a 48 footer." (audience laughing) I didn't even know musicians who could do a 40 foot reefer. (audience laughing) Willie Nelson, right? The Snoop Dogg. Bob Marley. That's it. Those are the only guys I know. So, I made a few phone calls, I got handcuffed and fired from that job. (audience laughing) Anyone else get fired from a job because of the open bar at the Christmas office party? Anybody else? Am I the only one? (audience laughing) I used to work for this guy, and we used to call him Pig Man, and the reason we called him the Pig Man is the guy looked exactly like a pig, except he didn't know it. And he was always making fun of people, the way they look, the way they— I made it all the way to the Christmas office party. He decided the best place for me to sit, me and my wife, him and his wife. Now I meet his wife for the first time, I discovered two things. One, she was the one responsible for nobody getting a Christmas bonus. And two, she looked exactly like a pig too. (audience laughing) That sounds kind of mean coming from a man. Doesn't that, ladies? It does sound— no, no, no. You did not. They were identical pig people. They were mirror images of each other. If they weren't wearing clothes, you wouldn't be able to tell the male from the female. (audience laughing) And then they ordered pork chops for dinner. (audience laughing) I'm like, aw . . . this is not gonna end well, I've been drinking all day and I'm watching pig people eating pork chops. (audience laughing) This is not going to have a happy ending. But then I started thinking happy thoughts. I'm thinking, well, isn't this nice. The pig people found each other, (audience laughing) and then they got married. Isn't that nice, ladies in the house? Because there was a wedding, right? A big happy celebration. Then I started thinking, if I was their wedding photographer, I would have put apples in their mouths . . . (audience laughing) or laid them out on a table. You want to make a nice picture? Don't you think? Lay them out, snout to snout, real close, and put a heart arrow in the back. I'm thinking it'll make a nice thank you card. I'm thinking all these happy thoughts, and from across the table, my wife gave me 'the look.' Show of hands. Who are the married guys out there? (audience laughing) How many of you guys know 'the look'? How many of you guys just got 'the look' 'cause you said you knew what 'the look' was? (audience laughing) I wasn't saying a word, and I'm getting Joan Crawford eyebrows, and laser beams (audience laughing) And I look back, I went . . . Now, you guys know that was an entire conversation that went on between the two of us. (audience laughing) Her look meant, "I know what you're thinking. "And if you say that stupid joke "out of your stupid mouth, "I swear to God, "I will end your stupid life tonight. "I swear to God. "I will kill you and "your mother will understand. "If you embarrass me one more time." (audience laughing) My look to her was, lighten up, it's Christmas, will ya? Let me have some fun with the pig people over here. (audience laughing) So, she gets all nervous so she strikes up a conversation with the boss's wife. She goes, "Um . . . so, tell me about "your family!" And the boss's wife said, well, we have five children. Then I whispered, yeah, one that went to the market . . . (audience laughing) So, I got fired from that job. (audience laughing) I work a lot of cruise ships, which means I fly a lot. That's why I was talking about flying earlier. I hate flying, man. There was— They got a monitor on the seat. They got a monitor. They show you the outside temperature of the airplane. If I find myself at 35,000 feet doing 600 miles an hour on the outside of the airplane, the last thing I'm wondering is if I need a sweater. (audience laughing) And I don't wanna pick my seat anymore. I want to pick the guy in the seat next to me. I see a guy walking down an aisle. He's got a bag of onions in one hand, and a toenail clipper in the other. I'm like, "Don't worry, pal. "You sitting right here "next to me, guaranteed. "I can guarantee you're sitting "right here next to me." So I got a chance to fly all the way. I got the chance to go to, you know, here's what happens when I fly too much, or I stress out too much. I get problems with my ears. They get all clogged up. So, one time, I'm in this six week contract. I was all over the place. I was gonna go home for one day, and then fly out the next day. Well, with canceled flights, and everything, I had to race from one airport to the other. So, I flew a lot. I'm stressed out a lot. My ears are clogged up. I'm going through security at the airport, and I beep. What the TSA representative said to me was, "Do you mind if I wand you?" What I heard was, "You Manda Wandu?" (audience laughing) So, I'm sorry, can you . . . ? She goes, "You Manda Wandu?" I said, no, I'm not a Manda Wandu. (audience laughing) I said, I'm an American. (audience laughing) I don't even know where Manda Wandu you is. (audience laughing) So she got mad at me. She put me in a penalty box. (audience laughing) Then I missed my connecting flight while we were waiting for her super-biber. That's what she called him. Super-biber. (audience laughing) He comes over very polite. You remember the Swedish chef from the Muppets? Remember that? That's what he said. Very polite guy. He called me Terr. (audience laughing) He goes "Terr, "tecurity tis berry berry portant "and bee check erybody beat da bond." (audience laughing) You lost me at Manda Wandu, man, I don't have to . . . (audience laughing) He goes "Bee check erybody beat "da bond." I go— I got all excited 'cause he found my belt buckle. I'm getting so fat working cruise ships. I don't even know when I'm wearing a belt half the time. I got a belt on today, go do me a favor. Take it out a notch while you're down there, but . . . I've been flying for 30 straight hours. I wouldn't put my head down there without a welder's mask. (audience laughing) So I got a chance to go to Germany. Anybody been? Beautiful place, man. I wish I could go back. You guys should go back. I— What happened was the ship got in early. I was flying out much later in the day. So, I went to the airport, went to the airport bar, had about a dozen German beers. So I'm going through their security, and a very serious guy's looking at my documents, and I glance down. He had a name tag. His last name was Shepherd. I'm like, hey! You're a German Shepherd! (audience laughing) Well, he was an actual German Shepherd. What are the odds of that? He had no sense of humor. C'mon, your name is Shepherd. You never heard that one before? He goes, "You're being hostile." I said, no, I'm not. I'm being very friendly. I am not a threat. Just smell the back of my hand. I am not a threat! (audience laughing) They got really mad. I kept rubbing his head going, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Wiener schnitzel. That's what they serve in jail on a Thursday in Germany. (audience laughing) So I have two goals this year. One was keeping a job. The other one was staying out of jail. So far, so good. Plenty of time to . . . (audience laughing) But I have to get healthy. I made the mistake of, I mean, you guys ever say something to your wives and as soon as you say it, you just say you wish you could've taken it back? How many times? 10, 12 times a day? (audience laughing) One time, I made the mistake of telling my wife I want to get back into shape. Boom, her and my daughters, they're on a mission now. The first thing they did, they cleaned out my refrigerator. Everything's gone. All the sausages, all the canoli. Everything is gone. They put in gluten-free beer. Now I don't know what gluten is. Want it in my beer. (audience laughing) So I go to buy some beer. This kid wants my ID. I go, excuse me? He goes, "I need to see "your driver's license." I said, I'm almost old enough to be your grandfather. Are you kidding me? He goes, "For public safety." And I look at his kid. He had piercings everywhere. He had lures, and bbs, and hooks, in his eyebrow, on the side of his nose, and his tongue, and . . . he looked like he had a magnetic head. (audience laughing) And someone stuffed it into a tackle box, (audience laughing) pulled it back out again. (audience laughing) I said, I'll tell you what. You show me your fishing license, I'll show you my driver's license. How 'bout that? (audience laughing) But I don't know why she's worried about my health. Sure, well, it's great. Get back into health, 'cause ever since I turned 50, it's mandated that I have to get an annual physical. I don't know if you guys have to go through that. I lose my insurance if I don't. So, it gives my wife and I an opportunity to play a game we call "What Did the Doctor Say?" (audience laughing) You guys play that game? Yeah? First time I go to the doctor, he's like, "Mr. Briscoe, "you have to lose weight. "Hey, it's very simple. "When the sun goes down, "put the fork down." (audience laughing) She goes, what did the doctor say? I go, the doctor said "Eat cheeseburgers at night." (audience laughing) Then I go back the second year. He's like, "You didn't lose any weight. "You look like a washed up "Sumo wrestler." What did the doctor say? I go, the doctor said I have the body of an athlete. (audience laughing) So in the following year, she goes with me. I said, you going to come with? She goes, "Yeah, well I'll come." I said, yeah. Okay. Well, I thought maybe I'd get my, you know, get the physical done, we'll go out, have a nice day, or something We're waiting in the waiting room, and they called my name. She goes, "Oh, they called our name." I said, no. They called my name. "No, they called our name." And she grabs me by the hand and marches me into the doctor's office. And then, we're in there and she became the prosecuting attorney. The doctor is the judge, and I'm the idiot throwing myself at the mercy of the court. (audience laughing) Then they go into sidebar conversations, like (mumbling) No, you. He doesn't listen to me. No. You tell him. He goes, "Mr. Briscoe, "no more red meat. "No more beer." Did you hear that? "Yes." What did the doctor say? "Doctor said, 'More Vodka. "'More pork chops." (audience laughing) Any of you guys got special occasions coming up? Any of you guys? Got a big party coming up? Maybe an anniversary, wedding? Yeah. Very nice. Hope you have a good time, but I hope you're not gettin' your chops busted right now about pants. (audience laughing) You know, we have that wedding coming up. You're gonna need a new pair of pants. You know. (audience laughing) The graduation's coming, we take lots of pictures. You need new pants. You got to get new pants. You got to get you new pants for the confirmation, for the graduation. Need new pants. They obsess on what kind of pants you're going to wear. And I looked at that and I'm thinking, I don't have a clue, as to which one of my pants were designated as the good ones. (audience laughing) Led me to my second conclusion that we're now going to have to go shopping for—I gotta buy new pants. I'm a 32 inch waist, with any store . . . can take . . . what? (audience laughing) What with the look? What? What? What? What? (audience laughing) 32, 42 . . . depends on how they're cut. (audience laughing) Eyes up here, lady. Eyes up here. (audience laughing) Men's pants are not cut accurately. That guy knows. That guy. That guy. That guy. Every man in the room knows that mens pants are not— and we all experience buying pants. Like me, I'll take the 32s and the 42s off the rack just to see which ones fit better. (audience laughing) And I'll be in the dressing room, and where's my wife? You know where she is, fellas. They camp outside that dressing room door like stalker psychopaths. They don't even blink. They just stand outside the door. (audience laughing) I'm in the dressing room. I hear, "Honey, honey, honey, "the 42's too tight?" The whole store has to hear (audience laughing) that her husband's . . . But like most men, I went to a certain size pair of pants. That's it. That's my size for the rest of my life. I put on 150 more pounds, still wearing 42s. Nothing but guts and stuff hanging all over. But, you know what? Big, old gut. Tiny belt. Looks like a half a keg of beer balanced on a little, tiny pie plate. You know that? (audience laughing) That's a guy who made up his mind what size. Not with his eyes, his mind. My size is 42 'cause 42 is the end of the rack. (audience laughing) So you guys know what happens next? I'm in the dressing room. I know she's out there. I know the only way out of the store is through her. I didn't bring a shovel. I can't tunnel out. (audience laughing) So now, I gotta do that walk. You guys know that walk of shame, right? No matter how successful you are in life, you're walking out of that dress room. You're re-evaluating like, what happened to me, man? I was an All-State football player. I was a golden glove boxer. Women were throwing themselves at me. Now, I'm doing a penguin walk out of a Kohl's dressing room. (audience laughing) You walk out to the inspector. (audience laughing) "Oh, I don't know. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) "Turn around." Every guy does the turnaround. Look, you've got to do the turn. Then the big question, "Well, how does it feel in the crotch?" (audience laughing) The only time my wife is curious about the feelings in my crotch. (audience laughing) Is at three o'clock in the afternoon in a department store. (audience laughing) This is a very special occasion. We hope you guys enjoy the rest of the show. Thanks for having me! See you next time, guys! (audience cheers)
