Jurassic Park - Nostalgia Critic

hello nostalgic guy remember it so you don't have to Jurassic [ __ ] Park when this film came out people went nuts not only did it have groundbreaking CGI effects but it had action-packed suspense a sense of awe and Wonder and just seemed antic so when it was re-released in 3d recently you bet your ass I got over to the theater to relive all those awesome memories and how did it hold up it was awesome but maybe not as awesome as I remember look I'm not saying it's a bad movie far from it if anything it's held up extraordinarily well I'm just saying that while we were so blown away by how huge it was we might have overlooked some problems that we either didn't see or chose to ignore I know something like Jurassic Park 3 is worse and trust me we'll get to that train wreck on our time but it's still an interesting journey looking back at something that was so groundbreaking and popular without the nostalgia goggles so let's take a look at adventure 65 million years in the making or three this is Jurassic Park so we start out in Spielberg's favorite place to go in all of his movies spotlight fetish land yeah I don't know if you've noticed but this guy is obsessed with shining spotlights in your face as much as humanly possible every frame feels like a whimsical police interrogation they try to transport one of the highly intelligent Raptors via portal cube when of course something goes wrong you know was there really no other way to get these things into their cages brute force doesn't do much compared to common sense I mean look at the forklift they can lift it just a little bit higher and dropping it or tranquilizers why not tranquilizers gonna just knock these things out and I slipped them in that way or the Raptors too smart for that plan run away in comedic fishing so they lose one of the workers in the attack as we cut to the prettiest mullet obsessed paleontologists to roam the earth they're led by dr. grant played by I swear I'm not a New Zealanders in deal look at the Halfmoon shape want to have one of those o'clock of birds evading a predator and dr. Sadler his girl via [ __ ] buddy play by Laura Dern who seems to always suffer from terminal mumbling ice-cream scoop up peanut butter before coming to the set well maybe dinosaurs have more in common with present-day birds and they do with reptiles look at the vertebrae full of air sacs and hollows just like a bird and even the word Raptor means bird of prey Raptors were very aware of this when they were naming themselves that doesn't look very scary more like a 6-foot turkey turkey so he scares the little kid by showing him something he never thought he'd see on a hunt for dinosaur bones dinosaur bone ah I have one of those I don't want that kid breed of child dr. gray but that work is interrupted by John Hammond Bloom the bugpipes who offers to fund their dig further if they offer outside opinion on his new due to the loss of the work earlier I mean let's face it in your particular field you'll have the top minds yes you have no idea how computers work and you study ancient plant like clearly nobody would be more qualified I like you I can tell instantly about people it's a gift obviously he took them to consideration when he hired this guy Denis nedra you played by Wayne Knight before his heart decided he wanted to live who he seems betraying John Hammond by handing over the dinosaur embryos to evil dinosaur makers I guess in order to get more money and you might notice one of the main problems with the first third of this movie it focuses a great deal amount of time somehow hastily rushing a ton of exposition one delivery 50,000 more for each viable embryo we are facing a twenty million dollar lawsuit as a particular pebble in Marcia represents my investment seven o'clock tomorrow night on the east dock outside opinion but it's alright to account for that if they make the characters motivations and story arts disgustingly simple even down to dressing them in care-bear colors so you can easily remember which one is which which ones grant oh he's the one in blue which one's Hammond oh he's the one in white which ones he hey ho everyone will fall in love with until they realize he's just gonna do that one doe for the rest of his life until they want to dig their brains out with a fork because he's so goddamn irritating that's the darkly dressed evil one known as Jeff Goldblum yeah Goldblum or The Wizard of Oz as I like to call him what's in a complete unknown before this flick but he became a household name after it became a hit and people fell in love with his performance and at the time it was kind of charming people never heard this kind of performance in the blockbuster film before we're gonna conduct an experiment it should be still the cars bouncing up and down but that's our case but once we discovered that he fell in love with his performance even more than we fell in love with his performance to a point where he never wanted to leave that performance but we do end up asking ourselves how the [ __ ] do we ever like this performance to begin with there is good luck in this new song out of your head if will be in your brain for weeks till you're dead for 50 miles the Korea defense are in place and the concrete notes and the motion sensor tracking systems novels dear bye relax the only thing we don't have is security in case a storm comes or the power goes out but we have this die for that so we good we good spent no expense I shut you down John in 48 hours I'll be accepting your apology so they arrived at the star attraction laura dern mug for the trailer and we get our first look at Gertie its mr. dinosaur welcome to Jurassic Park they're moving in herds they do move in herds really that's the big teardrop our line kind of random isn't it I mean is that kind of like looking out over the herd and saying they eat their own [ __ ] they do eat their own [ __ ] haiman takes them to the visitors center to show them how they're made apparently it was done through the miracle cloning one of the many illegal processes I'm sure went into making this place a reality DNA strand like me is a blueprint for building a living thing and sometimes Oh spotlight fetish I don't care if I'm the only director in the world who hasn't I will make you a star there are mosquitoes just like today after biting a Dinah South the mosquito would land on the branch of a tree and get stuck in the SAP the tree sap would get hard and become fossilized just like a dinosaur bone preserving the mosquito inside okay even if you were to buy this half-baked science that even Donatello would call a little suspicious what are the chances of finding tons of mosquitoes not only millions of years old not only have bitten every popular dinosaur to be marketed but also all happened to get stock in tree sap did they all happen to be in the same nest during the greats Apple ants of gajillion BCE Wow it's a cold day but I think we've been every popular most marketable dinosaur known to man that's what I love binge drinking with you guys now let's rest our little tummies before we cook up whatever's left of them no I can't I wonder if I'm the blood donor we gets a whimsical moment number I'm not even gonna bother counting as we see one of the baby dinosaurs being born the species is is it's a velociraptor he bred Raptors ah so he can't identify the dinosaur from his trademark mate kid wet pants peach even when he's holding the damn thing right in his [ __ ] hands great job picking those top minds you were talking about there Hammond spent no expense this brings us to the projector room where I'm sure Spielberg is projecting right now with how much a spotlight fetish is being fueled oh so backlit oh so illuminating oh oh I could hump the white out why that makes on the side of their heads before we can charge anything we want 2,000 a day 10,000 a day and people will pay it this park was not built to cater only for the super-rich everyone in the world has the right to enjoy these animals yeah everyone should be allowed to fly two personal helicopters to their Hawaiian Islands after getting storm insurance we're looking after the little guy but golden ah ah is not happy you're stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew your hand you you've patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox and now selling it you wanna sell it well wow that was an excellent argument against the lost world I mean everything you said in there I totally agree you four are gonna have a spot of company out in the park okay good the appetizers arrived now we can start our tour with the latest and greatest in high-tech ingenuity cd-rom holy [ __ ] it's packing cd-rom oh my god Tommy it doesn't have next week tell me it doesn't have act the appropriate information will be automatically selected welcome to Jurassic Park whether they got in there King Khan oh come on eco worked in three more others into that sentence what are they all got off in there King Kong but sadly the tour doesn't seem to be going very well as none of the dinosaurs show up to be seen but it's okay because Goldblum uses his traditional pick-up tricks that always seem to get him women at TGI Fridays tiny variations the orientation of the hairs on your they want a blood to standing or vessels imperfections escape yeah it's like a new NBC sitcom rambles and mumbles one's a horny Kia Titian the others a giggling plant expert who doesn't want to get married but surprisingly wants kids for some reason together they make the greatest couple nobody can understand or want to listen to since Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker rambles and mumbles coming soon to NBC wow that was fast they get out the car and stumble across a sick Triceratops butts antler is determined to figure out what's causing the sickness now in reality this scene serves no purpose to the plot apart from separating satler from the group and let's be honest it only exists so kids can giggle what he says this line that is one big pile of [ __ ] your career in a nutshell the knee tree has to hurry with those embryos or else the obvious video that everyone the audience said was an obvious video seriously you can crop that shot just a notch says the storm is coming and that the ship has to leave with everyone on it a home of work how one's blurry it is oh yeah so he says the power is gonna go in and out thinking he can make it back in time before anybody notices but he gets lost resulting in all the power shutting down and the cars getting stuck in the worst place possible and this leads to easily the best character in the whole movie the absolute star of the whole goddamn thing [ __ ] this badass mother owns it this scene is about as perfectly paced and perfectly suspenseful as a scene can get I think everything about her can be summed up in that one awesome war yeah I think you translated that roar every single one would declare her ability of just owning this goddamn movie but things get real when bulgy eyes and young ferrisbueller are being attacked comedy for me yeah what was the line that Hammond said earlier in 48 hours I'll be accepting your apology I'm sorry lawyer tastes like deep-rooted insecurities and bitterness grant gives a bulgy eyes out but young Ferris Bueller is still stuck in the car and the t-rex the frozen I'm sorry I need a minute to recover from some awesomeness play the music you we do each other good to your ex we do each other Ryu back to the story neither gets its card stuck and does his best to pull it out was that a cartoon sound effect the Schumacher take off her from one second of filming buddy comes across a nasty visitor or at least she becomes nasty when the prop guy pulls the strings yep just ruin that scene forever Priya grant manages to get young Ferris Bueller out of the tree and tries making their weight back meanwhile Sadler comes across Goldblum just in time to partake in another badass t-rex scene it bounces don't forget the mirror scene that fortunately makes no sense but still so goddamn cool yeah that so doesn't add up Hey look on the bright side at least you give Toy Story to something the parody the next morning granted the kids come across some friendly breccia sources I have to admit this is one of the lesser effects in the movie I don't know maybe because it's at a profile but does anyone else think it looks like just a giant expensive sock puppet I just think it is well I know we sounded weird to me too now that you can make the phrase I like how sad all that natural but it goes pretty Lucas there doesn't it but I don't like sand I like snot suddenly grant discovers the dinosaurs are breeding which seems impossible seeing how all of them are females mutated the dinosaur genetic code and blended it with that of frogs now some West African frogs been known to spontaneously change sex from male to female in a single sex environment funny how this is common knowledge to me and yet none of the highly paid scientists who put this together ever consider this a possibility spent no expense but at least they did think of this possibility a lysine contingency lines new contingency is intended to prevent the spread of the animals in case they ever get off the island dr. woolens through the gene that creates a single faulty enzyme and protein metabolism the animals can't manufacture the amino acid lysine unless they're completely supplied with lysine by us they swim into a coma and die oh great why don't you do that absolutely out of the question okay guess we can just add this to the grocery list of scenes that go nowhere in this movie yeah really think about it there's quite a few weren't there a man died showing up because his daughter's gear divorce Goldblum hitting out Sadler and her [ __ ] buddy fighting out digging through Dino [ __ ] the lysine those weird [ __ ] goggles spent no expense you spare purpose though lots and lots of purpose but I've had it with these [ __ ] dinosaurs on this [ __ ] aisle it agrees to shut down the system and restart it oh why don't I just shoot all my movies at our White House I can read that in somehow it's all it worked what do you mean it worked everything's still off well maybe this shutdown took the circuit breakers all we have to do is turn them back on we're on the breakers maintenance here the other end of the compound three minutes I can have power back on the entire park well now just to be safe I want everybody in the emergency bunker wait I just hear that right you're sending the only computer guy on the island outside with the killer dinosaurs alone huh can see anything going wrong there you go just going down the road oh you mean like the way you just let that guy stroll down the road oh yeah the blank dude can handle his own but when the pretty white lady has to go I don't know suit up it's too dangerous out there even Hammond can't bear to see her go where they easily toss the black guy I told you give me a really good look we can discuss sexism and survival situations when I get back it is funny him confusing strength and gender see how most of the things on the island trying to kill have a vagina so Sadler makes it to the building and turns on the power just as young Ferris Bueller is climbing the fence oh yes they go huh Sadler on the other hand she gets out okay but velociraptor dundee seems to have his own problems to deal with waiting for me to turn around to acknowledge your intelligence clever gloating egotistical girl yep if you ever notice these things are damn smart even when gray leaves the kids alone in a building with no lock doors how stupid they managed to open up the doors Corner them in the kitchen and yet somehow never managed to get these dwarves yeah you go on and on about how smart they are and how they can even track diehard hunters get little kids with literally no way I'll give them the slip I mean quickly just be like Oh Stephanie could you be awesome and stand guard at the door while I sniff our dinner out of course Vanessa thank you no prob hey did you hear about Andre a spontaneous change of sex yeah that was weird so I guess it the kids get away and meet up with grant and cemre well get them to the control room to turn everything back on including the door locks which was kind of stupid hooking up everyday door locks to their computer Jenna thought that one through spent no expense so while bulgy eyes tries to boot up all the power to the park because they clearly went into great detail about what a computer expert she is see it's up to young Ferris Bueller to hand settlor the gun hand Sattler the gun the chair doesn't need a massage as much as Sadler needs the gun they got the power bag on and at least they have more ammo they can use for later or missile lobbing four times are the rector's agents from the matrix how the hell can you miss four times hitting a dinosaur they climb aboard that thing the Flintstones eat at the end credits when it seems like they're cornered how the hell could they get out of this one you are the most awesome god damn thing even though it makes no sense how they come in here you come in even though your footsteps always make the ground shake you just gave the most Catholics awesome ending this movie deserve all she needs is a mic drop I swear that's the only thing missing she [ __ ] owns everything that ever existed she just needs a mic drop and thus they all seem to make it out okay mammoths next time definitely mammoths oh my touching story arc is complete let's split in the third film okay and the moral of the story kids when a white Scottish man offers you to see his park who say no and that's Jurassic Park it's got as flaws even some major major flaws but I'm sorry it still [ __ ] awesome the effects for the most part still look great the story is not devoid of intelligent conversation the characters thought maybe a little too simplistic at times are still likable and it still has the size and scope to not only enchant but also scare it suspenseful and fun despite that there's some typical Spielberg moments both good and bad not to mention just the straight-up awesome factor it knows what to give the audience and just how much suspension of disbelief we can lend to still enjoy it as action-packed adventures go this is one there's still a lot of fun and very impressive and of course let's be honest here it made the t-rex a [ __ ] star again um

Channel: Channel Awesome

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Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, jurassic park, movie review, film review, jurassic park review, dinosaur movie, jurassic park movies, best jurassic park movie, jurassic park franchise, movie reviews

Id: IcnbZ8PSNfc

Length: 28min 3sec (1683 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 24 2016