Matrix - Nostalgia Critic

it's not possible it is I don't believe you believe it I can't believe after all these years I'm finally discovering the truth well it is true you don't like the Matrix yes I don't like the Matrix oh you're talking about the sequels no the original Matrix all of them I think they're dumb movies but everybody loves the Matrix I don't I think it's overrated I mean okay it's not horrible or anything but when push comes to the shove I think all of them are really really silly films but it's symbolic and mean stuff just because it's symbolic and mean stuff doesn't automatically make it good I mean what am I supposed to lie about my opinion you are going to piss off so many people if there's anything Big Hero 6 has taught me is that even if you think a film is okay the internet will accept it in a fair and balanced way besides who's going to take it that seriously Mr Alia crit who the [ __ ] are you now I hear tell that you don't like the matrix it's very understandable Mr Al critic most people have issues with the sequels no I'm not talking about the sequals I'm talking about all of them I just don't like the Matrix really and so what if I don't what does it matter I represent the fan base Mr Alro critic I am agent schmuck and you should well know that everybody loves the Matrix well I'm sorry I just don't I mean don't get me wrong its technology and style inspired a lot in terms of Cinema for years every film was trying to look like the Matrix but even before the crowd hating sequels came out I still thought this was a pretentious and silly film everyone saw it as this deep mindblowing experience when in truth dozens of science fiction stories and movies have done this idea before the idea that our reality is an illusion hell even some of the effects it's famous for were being done before this movie came out they just weren't perfected yet it's got some clever stuff but on the whole I just didn't think it worked but Mr ala critic it's symbolic and means stuff the film is a masterpiece by every definition of the word it's almost as if the writers weren't even writing but transcribing Brilliance have you watched it recently like in the past 10 years it's just the Teeny Eeny beest DED I'll tell you what Mr ala critic why don't you just explain why you do not like the movies okay but only if you stop puckering your lips like that I make no promises all right this is the Matrix why are you looking over there I don't know just feels right a we start off in an era of film when the color green ruled the world world for some reason as secret agents arrive at a break-in and are so determined to convince you that they're not secret agents that they actually wear sunglasses in the middle of the night maybe the Matrix is really bright the orders were for your protection I think we can handle one little girl I figure the more condescending I say it the more ironic the following scene will be the person inside is Trinity who likes to partake in shots that at the time were awesome but now it just kind of seem weird and pointless perhaps it was done to show her legs look good from any angle which they do they do she runs the cops and agent through effects that really don't hold up very well and she's told to get to a phone as it's her only exit to be teleported through have you ever wondered if just one time the ringing phone wasn't an exit but instead was just a wrong number have you found Jesus oh [ __ ] H never mind sounds like you just did we then C to Keo Reeves as Neo a good-looking hacker who's about to realize all his years of staying indoors on his computer is about to make him a badass Action Hero as well as the Messiah I think I'm starting to understand this film's fan base got the money two grand Hallelujah you're my savior man my own personal Jesus Christ wow you just said it I mean there wasn't any like hidden messages or symbolism no you just said it the film literally spelled out that he was the Messiah what do the philosophy books have to say about that you know all those books that came out that was like philosophy in The Matrix o what does it mean what did they say at that point oh so he goes to a club I really wish blade would shoot up where he meets Trinity that was you on my computer how did you do that right now all I can tell you is that you're in danger and that I literally have the same reaction throughout the entire film no really you could impale me on metal wires and I'll still have this face but let's not temp fate I know why you hardly sleep why you live alone and why night after night you sit at your computer he's a dork the answer is up there NE and it will find you if you want it to so Trinity leaves him with that essential vague book talk when the next day at work we see his boss tries to clarify to us more why his rebellious loser behavior is secretly inspired you have a problem with authority Mr Anderson you believe that you are special that somehow the rules do not apply to you obviously you are mistaken can we just cut to every snobby Authority fear who's ever given this movie speech to a young brilliant genius you have a problem with authority he's got a real problem with authority that somehow the rules do not apply to you you don't necessarily think the rules apply to you obviously you are a mistaken you will find that it is you who are mistaken and I hope in no way your druming to a different beat will save all of mankind I have a bet going Thomas Anderson yeah that's me wait wait wait wait wait wa wait his name is Tom I mean I know he's given himself the name Neo and that's what everybody calls him but just kind of sucks out the epicness once you know that doesn't it the fate of all mankind is in the hand of a guy named Tom [ __ ] Tom what would Tom do all praise savior Tom really Tom yes but Neo is an anagram for one yes but Tom is also an anagram for omt Oh My Tom yes and the Tom in that anagram is also an anagram for omt Oh My Tom I understand and the Tom in that an is also an an oh my Tom and the Tom in that will liquidate your testicle okay have a nice day I will not wish you the same as I'm just too anxy and important to do so so Tom gets a call from a man named Morpheus who says agents are after him the cubicle across from you is empty what if they go now really wait a minute wait let just get this straight all the matrix's wiring code endless connections all of us being hooked up and they're [ __ ] outwitted by a goddamn cubicle wall you must understand Mr aler critic all the rebel Fighters have been unplug but he isn't not yet the Matrix is all controlled by machines they can become anyone and do anything just through coding can't they just do like a code Google search for Tom stop calling him that and find him that easily I mean just because he's behind a wall doesn't mean his code still is in there I don't think you comprehend how truly thick that cubicle was anyway as you can see we ended up getting him it's not like he stood out like like the Most Wanted woman you've been looking for standing right next to you drenched in Leather so loud you could actually call her a bullseye even with you looking right [ __ ] at her where's your cubicle wall on that one The Matrix is very glitchy no so he meets up with agent Smith played by go weaving who's trying to find out the location of Morpheus he is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive you can't scare me with this Gusto crap when Tom refuses to tell him they give him the silent treatment and put a tracking device inside but he's intercepted later by Trinity's gang who wants to make sure they know where's loyalties lie right now there's only one rule ourway or the highway please Neo you have to trust me because because you have been down there Neo you know that road you know exactly where it ends so they get the tracking device out of him by literally ripping it out of his stomach and Reeves forgets to act like getting something ripped out of your stomach really [ __ ] hurts Jesus Christ that thing's real I mean I know I should be screaming in agony but I'm just so puzzled as to why you haven't attended my wound yet I mean you didn't even put a Band-Aid on it so he finally meets Morpheus as he's told what the Matrix ISC the m Trix is everywhere it is all around us even now In This Very Room you can feel it when you go to work when you go to church it's God Enlightenment the force and as land all rolled into one you take the blue pill you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe you take the red pill you stay in Wonderland it also relieves nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching fever so you can see past reality he's start to turn to the Tom 1000 simply by touching a mirror which is never explained but [ __ ] get used to that as he's teleported to a rebirth metaphor where one of the machines sees him waking up are you my mommy he's flushed down to where they dump the other people who wake up where Morpheus and the Gang are there to grab him which isn't guarded at all apparently I mean what the hell couldn't just anyone hang out here to pick up unplugged people to join their army don't you think there'd be at least some security system letting the machines know that people are being picked up who woke up and are probably a little pissed off and might be starting an underground Revolution why are these things so resistant about looking behind a wall I got nothing G it just looks funny this is APO switch and Cipher tank and his big brother Dozer the little one behind you is mouse they will be your obvious disciples for the evening try to guess which one is Judas I think you'll be pleasantly surprised I know what you're thinking actually I I've been thinking it ever since I got here why oh why didn't I take the blue pill actually I'm colorblind and thought I was taking the blue pill but hey when life gives you [ __ ] lemons right this will feel a little weird so they plugged Tom in to show him that the Matrix is apparently 90% of where all television ads take place this is the world that you know ignore that past life he's shown that the real world is in ruin and ruled by the machines who took over harnessing people's energy into their power and that Humanity isn't born anymore but grown at some point in the early 21st century all of mankind was United in celebration we marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to ai ai you mean artificial intelligence really the one the [ __ ] one our savior from this Advanced technological world has to be reminded of what AI means isn't that like being the world's greatest frat house and not knowing what Bob stands for get some rest you're going to need it tomorrow I have even more longwinded speeches to make so they teach Tom that in this mental realm of Illusion the most powerful force is still apparently just beating the [ __ ] out of each other I know Kung Fu great now try to pick up acting but to their credit they do still show that mind over matter is still the greatest weapon free your mind wa and thus went the last remaining thread of anybody ever taking my career seriously I'm just always going to be summed up in that one word thanks wowski but thankfully this world operates on Toontown logic as Tom learns yet another important lesson I thought it wasn't real your mind makes it real so my brain coughed blood but it looks like the machines are trying to track their ship down squidy's weeping in quick squidy The Sentinel killing machine designed for one thing Search and Destroy you know I just want to thank you for finishing my sentence there because if you didn't I'd just be like H one thing and then like nobody would answer and I would just look really awkward and stupid but because you continued it suddenly it looked badass and awesome so thank you so much for making that not the least bit pretentious nice of you that was a really dumb scene EMP armed and ready EMP electromagnetic pulse oh come on even I know what that is okay schmuck how the [ __ ] is this idiot supposed to be the one I mean I know he's supposed to be learning and discovering stuff but he's not given any personality that indicates he has any leadership skills hell he's not even given a personality well Mr Al critic what does it truly mean to have a personality like you or me or any of us any of us can have a personality but what does it mean to be here in the now to have does ST in order for us to come together to mean how long do you if you wonder Mr alter critic where we even all come from it's quite mindboggling isn't it you feel alone isolated we can help who is this is Agent schmuck with you yeah but he's caught up and making philosophical speeches than talking to me like a real person yes we call that Nolan he'll be doing that for a while you need to escape how schmuck is obsessed with the Matrix so he will use Matrix logic of Life the purpose of Destiny the purpose of the life purpose of Destiny this is what I'm trying to oh my God where'd he go how the hell did he do that he was there and now he's gone I suppose he could be under this thin movable surface that's just too crazy he's got to be somewhere else here Mr aler critic here Mr aler go in the back what the hell's what the hell's going on here the revolution has begun critic the uprising is upon us who are you we are people who do not like the Matrix they're others we are a small group but more and more people are waking up the stilted acting the pretentious dialogue and the painfully obvious metaphors we cannot hide from the truth any longer allow us to introduce ourselves I am malchus and this is my partner Tam really that's what you're going with well you wrote it okay whatever but what about schmuck he's going to find us back here not likely I suppose he could be hiding behind the door but that's just just wouldn't add up all right so tell me what do I have to do that which is your destiny now you understand everything as I explained it to you not really I couldn't understand what you're were saying over all your clothes well let me start again it I'll be your clothes are so loud by every meaning of the word just stand still and tell me you must review the movie and show people that it wasn't the perfect film they thought it was H that's not too hard but wait who will listen to my rambling philosophical speeches oh I will I need a nap anyways very good so as I was saying we needed to get left so our characters go into the Matrix to meet up with a character named The Oracle who will determine whether or not he's the one to save the world remember draw no attention to yourself whatsoever God what I used to eat that really good noodles sorry that was my attempt at acting like a human being it fails I know he goes into a room filled with people so Advanced that they watch giant bunnies on TV when one of the kids teaches him a neat little trick do not try and bend the spoon instead only try to realize the truth what truth there is no spoon now truth be told I actually really like this scene and think it's one of the more brilliant metaphors of the movie but because this is a comedy show I'm just going to play this spoon did you hear War Brit's playing him again I'm excited so he meets the Oracle a program who can apparently predict the future because we all know how that software Works to her credit though it does her to feel like she's evolved to a higher plane the higher plane of actually having a personality do you think you're the one honestly I don't know open your mouth say a a now I'm supposed to say h that's interesting but I'm not the one sorry kid what was said was for you and for you alone she said I wasn't the one I didn't hear that she said you're going to risk your life for me she said you totally shouldn't do it and if you do it you're going to endanger everybody and dude are you listening but Tom notices something on their way back cat Dej Vu is usually a glitch in The Matrix it happens when they change something so agents finally come in and try to stop them wow only an hour and 20 minutes in and we finally have some gunfire If This Were Monster Squad we'd be wrapping up by now it's an agent dude what's with the yelling you're not red Brown you don't need to announce your rage I'm so excited and I just can't hide it you know if you want to preserve the image of Morpheus as this badass Action Hero you might want to consider cutting the clip of his head slamming into a toilet seat like a drunk college student just saying hares the mysticism a bit take him yeah not much has changed since 1999 but it turns out there's a traitor in their miss the angry Italian who always plays the angry Italian if you have anything terribly important to say to switch I suggest you say it now oh no please don't not like this not like this a they gave so much emotion for that character that had what two lines in the entire film I'm sure going to miss the way she wore white too late God damn you Cipher you almost made me act there right I don't believe it but he's Zapped by one of the other crew members that got electrocuted in the stomach because as this movie has shown us blows to the belly or like pets with a pillow for some reason you're hurt I'll be all right it's just a 20° burn really I feel better if anything so they had to save Morpheus from being bored into submission from another one of weaving speeches every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium if you don't take me up on my kissing advances I'm just going to have to steal the first smooch as Tom and Trinity dress like those kids who always wanted attention in high school take that innocent security guards just doing your job tell your wife and kids I said [ __ ] you but things get tricky when Tom has to go up against an agent who he's been told nobody has ever survived again seeing how they can dodge Bullet From Any distance Dodge this until now ow who knew that apparently the secret was giving a solid two seconds saying a catchphrase allowing him to know exactly where the bullet is going to go and yet somehow forget to use that speed of light movement to dodge it I got to give credit I want to figure that out they don't seem to use that speed of light movement here either when Tom opens fire while partaking in this film's favorite pastime shell case porn oh if I could orgasm bullets I would and because the first Morpheus yell wasn't funny enough we now get it in slowmo baby is he breaking out of his chains or singing the last note of an Arya they have a pretty cool helicopter chase with Trinity jumping off just before the copter explodes well that's cool but why would somebody program window title waves into the Matrix is it kind of like that hidden one up there's really no Rhyme or Reason why it's there or how you're supposed to discover it but you're just going to benefit off of how cool it is anyway if so I'll take it it's cool I know it he's the one yes only the one could hold on to a woman who weighs less than him wait how is this particularly oneish they're not out yet we spelled out everything else for the audience Why Stop Now Neo I want to tell you something everything the Oracle told me has come true you know let's pretend that there's agents chasing us and can turn into anybody in times of factor and perhaps we should save this little chitat for when that's not happening for example your talking might take up the exact amount of time for me to not Escape thanks [ __ ] Mr Anderson so because this movie is first half nothing but talk and second half nothing but fighting here's some more fighting you're empty so are you but I meant your head the thought occurs to me Mr Anderson that we are far too dusty but through the logic of marry Melodies he just ends up inside the train and the chase continues 303 you ever wonder how once again they can dodge bullets so quickly but can't somehow run faster there's not like a matrix cheek code or something like that Goodbye Mr Anderson your reign of mundane Terror has ended so as the machines tried to break into their ship Trinity in this groundbreaking philosophical mindblowing movie that everybody Praises literally brings it back through the power of love I'm not afraid anymore the Oracle told me that I would fall in love and that that man the man that I loved would be the one so you see see you can't be dead because I love you oh yeah I could totally tell by the incredible chemistry you guys shared throughout the entire film like that scene that scene and that scene but hey don't hog all that romantic staring to yourselves save some for Edward and Bella so Tom comes back to life because Jesus and finally takes out agent Smith whoa I'm becoming blander more wooden uninteresting and have a sun interest to ruin The Day the Earth Stood Still d we've been foiled by The Power of Love so just to clarify this revolutionary groundbreaking move movie that everyone was just blown away by how different it was has the white guy saving the black guy chry symbolism more obvious than Man of Steel and a woman saving the man not through physical strength but through emotional support well apart from every single movie I've ever seen in my life that is very original stuff so tom leaves a message to the machine saying that the revolution is on and the uprising will begin that is he sounds so disinterested I'm not sure if he's saying it or reading it off Q cards I'm going to hang up this phone and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see a world without rules and controls Without Borders or Bal great you're doing great where anything is possible thus he ascends into the credits and the movie finally wraps up so that was The Matrix and is it really the Masterpiece everybody's saying it is don't get me wrong there's a lot of cool scenes and some very clever analogies but there's also a ton of stuff that doesn't make sense which would be fine if the characters were more fun and distracted us from that but the leads are just so wooden and everyone else takes this material way too seriously almost like the writers think they're Paving the way for some sort of new religion or philosophy I remember when this film came out everybody was saying this was the new Star Wars I really Tom and Trinity have the same chemistry as Han and Leia the look and style is timeless that will never age year after year no something's not right here some symbols work and even the initial idea isn't that bad but the only game changer is its technology and even that at times is starting to look really dated I don't hate this movie if anything I do appreciate what impact it's had on action films to be Visual and even an intellectual medium but as a film I just don't think it holds up not the worst but definitely dated and besides there is one major plot hole that everybody seems to ignore and what plot hole is that Mr alacrit malist tamy help me I can't my leather won't allow me to ex shoot my sword tamy kick his ass I can't my leather is too tight and it won't let me lift my gun it seems you're out of ideas Mr Al all right schmuck I'll accept defeat as long as you answer one major plot hole about the Matrix I'm all eyebrows Mr Al critic why do we need the Matrix because it's a masterpiece a Great Masterpiece is there another kind but I'm not talking about Matrix the movie I'm talking about Matrix the idea the idea inside the movie if the computers feed off of people's energy while they're asleep then why create the Matrix at all why not just let them dream or make them brain dead lobotomize them or something The Matrix is a flawed product we need it because that's not what you said you said the Matrix is a masterpiece I said a Great Masterpiece you say or any other kind I never rewind the review back for you and play it back I know what I said don't have to have it play back to me like I why Matrix schmuck sometimes writers take matters into their own hands no schmuck a moment ago you said writers never take matters into their own hands so the Matrix shouldn't even be around should it I don't even know what movie We're starzing anymore just say you can't handle the truth is that what we're doing I don't know why is there a matrix it's impossible they couldn't have goofed it up why is there a matrix the whole purpose of the movie they couldn't have overlooked something so huge why is there a matrix I'll just blow up in a stupid effect no I know you're out there people who don't like the Matrix I'm going to hang up this phone and show you a world where you don't need to love what everyone else loves or hate what everyone else hates a world without hype a world without pressure a world without weird leather pandering to a very specific demographic seriously what what is up on them where we go from there is up to you hey guys oh funky butt Lo it you mean artificial intelligence

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 2,307,256

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, The Matrix (Film Series), The Matrix (Award-Winning Work), matrix movie, movie review, film review, Review

Id: hKHacW8FF6I

Length: 31min 46sec (1906 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 09 2015