Catwoman - Nostalgia Critic

okay I think we've made some real progress today I think that miss Hathaway talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar shows us all how we can move on from not starring at our own Catwoman movie oh please miss Piper disagrees yes miss Pfeiffer disagrees they talked about making a Catwoman movie for years and I was supposed to play the part but they waited too long and the fan base died down resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry Shh you know we never mentioned she must not be much but aren't you technically mentioning her it doesn't matter Piper's role should've been my role to begin with yes Sonia we all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role that's not community writing she really did that folks still isn't matter Barry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it yes it was the first time a Catwoman had been given the leading role and she boxed it up forever yes and she has never paid for her actions now now ladies let's stay focused okay Eartha Kitt I believe last week we were discussing how you felt like a man trapped in a cat woman's body no I agree with them we should keep our focus on the [ __ ] [ __ ] who stole my chances to shine if it wasn't for her one of us could be the definitive cat why aren't you dead KitKat is right it's time for retaliation we can't just sit here all day and listen to this half-wit psychic analysis psycho what did you need to take action get our leading role burly arse unite ladies ladies is getting out of hand now the cat one movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role okay I doubt you could even get the lead in the Catwoman review that what the Catwoman review the one coming out this week bye [Music] [Applause] [Applause] hello I'm in the style guy remember it so you don't have to when the movie Batman Returns came out people mostly have one reaction but how was that but they also had another reaction Catwoman was pretty cool and thus a movie based on the antihero was in development for ever Tim Burton went back and forth on the project Mitchell Pfeiffer went back and forth on the project scripts were rewritten and retooled until it finally reached the perfection that only years and years of development can give us oh just look at the costume of our main carry god let's just get this over with [Music] this film that only tops a lot of worst comic book films of all time list but it also taught a lot of worst films of all time period lists and you can definitely see why it is a special kind of bad but kind of bad that the main characters from the producers were put together as an intentional flop to cash in on some sort of money scheme yeah I'd say let's review it but really this is more like a study a study in asking the questions how why and no those are enough let's go ahead and study the epic failure that is Catwoman it all started on the day that I died we open with our main character deceased obviously trying to symbolise the movies ability of being dead on arrival the day that I died was also day I started talking with bow of course get to that later as we see the evil corporation our main character works for makeup but they're trying to hide that better as the husband and wife owners of the company the wife played by Sharon Stone are stepping down from being at spokespeople because they just [ __ ] look evil it has been a magnificent 15 years but we have decided to choose a new face to represent beauty exactly okay quick word of advice to anyone joining a large corporation if your boss is laughs like this or how about if your performance creates the unforgivable sin of making Rupert Everett look so this isn't even close I know I can fix it I do not reward incompetence I have no idea why I expected your art to show better taste than your wardrobe you totally put me off my dick in caviar party I bet you didn't even know we sell those did you but she's just too timid to fight back for herself as our main character named patience yes our kind quiet innocent is named patience the same as maybe these characters meanie broody or able still manages to get to his pity as he allows her to turn in the project tomorrow by midnight but that's pretty tough seeing how she can't even tell those hardcore parties with pink lightbulbs to keep their music down you'd better pray this isn't creating contrast for later it's also difficult when other people's pets like do and possibly place themselves in dangerous situations so that others would try to save them instead of doing something sensible like only the fire department [Music] maybe I can help I know you read the reviews to the call I'd be depressed too so the cop saves her but fine she's in a hurry to return to her everyday mundane job so every day that this guy is in the exact same spot as before he's trailing his desk but the cop manages to find her and returns her wallet Tom God that is such a good name Tom Malone rhymes with Cohn phone boom not that rhymes are they important just let me know how he if you want me to be more awkward or not as attractive as you is this yours it's nice thanks yeah it kind of reminds me of early should go elegant but whimsical you know not enough cops use the word elegant and whimsical I like this new product bit more bullets meetings all right man I'm gonna take down this drug lord the old-fashioned way elegant and whimsical Peterson I want you to especially be enchanted and pleasant you've got it sir I'm gonna break into this bastards home kick down his door and introduce them to a world of wonder and marry them now ready your Boas tradition of the old Dutch masters I'm impressed don't be I noticed all the art in your apartment so I google it at the office oh well that's alarmingly creepy I wanted to apologize to you about the small thinking that you were a jumper it's open I could make it up to you by taking me to coffee so he apologizes to her for saving her alive and vosen fights are out on a date to make up for it faster wear that leather outfit that's not your favorite remember I will never ever ever wear yo I hope this is creating more contrast because if it isn't that line will be awkward and totally pointless but if it is Oh what am noxious nineties edit later we see that our messenger to drop off her design has cancelled so she has to drop it off at obvious evil headquarters herself I don't care that the FDA never saw that the headaches and the nausea and the fainting spells is it me or is the editing in this movie out of control when it has nothing to cut to it will literally cut to itself I don't care how short your audience's attention span is only cut when you have something to cut tomb it's like a boxer who has nobody to fight so he just hits himself but she stumbles across the plan of karela Jane Lynch whose new makeup line will start damaging the skin if it's not continually applied she tries to escape through the sewers but luckily the henchmen who doesn't work there know the exact button to push in order to flush her out so she falls into the river yet somehow ends up on some rocks far away from the river the water just wrap her where we see the embarrassingly bad animation left over from Puss in Boots comes in and quite literally breathes new life into her I'm not even making that up it literally breathes new life into her [Music] I suddenly have a need to incorporate horrible cat jokes into my life oh and I'm not kidding everything she does the following day is related to some kind of bad cat humor she sleeps on a shelf lands on all fours kisses at dogs eat several cans of tuna and I [ __ ] you not this is a real scene of what happens when someone gives her catnip come on this is a third graders idea of what Catwoman should be not a the writers and directors no I take it back third graders read comics but so even they would have a better understanding what makes a better Catwoman than you Julie Newmar would be telling you to calm down crazy cat ladies will be calling you crazy cat lady is this really like your best foot forward years and years of rewrites and fine-tuning and this is honestly what you've come up with we have even got to the dumbest costume yet already I'm embarrassed for you I'm embarrassed to look at you it's like that kid that joins the football team he's always like that big way show your support anyway but it turns out you shouldn't have because he's in the hospital with five fractured ribs and he's like why did you support me why'd you show your support it's like I don't know I saw a movie where a woman sniff catnip and it [ __ ] me up I mean really who would take being a cat woman this ridiculously serious cap women unite we will find this nostalgia critic and force him to have us star in his review you know ladies I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process oh but we have such plans for you yes in a few moments once we conveniently that door will open to reveal the ferocious killer tiger burping you limb from limb leaving only hassle of both thus conclude our death trap that ties into our villainous psychic lady is we have a critic to visit [Music] how will the counselor get out of this one will he be the main course for our ferocious feline will he be ripped to shreds and left for Tiger chow will his body be not until the narcan no no or will he be next week's kitty litter will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab can the counselors van being part of a great balanced breakfast he is there any escape from his delicious decadent to doom tune in tomorrow same bat-time same [Music] you [Music] so only enough patients have no memory of being drowned which is never really explained but after this scene you could say she's a porcupine and I wouldn't question it but she does remember that she forgot her date with her cop friend and leaves an apology coffee's her life also seems to have a little bit more bite [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I think someone's cooking up some contrast pay [Music] but the contrast doesn't stop there she gets on that leather outfit she said she would never put on and starts living up to her cat burglar name by stealing stuff but it seems she now has a split personality as in the morning she does remember stealing them and actually returns it with the word sorry written on it she finally wants to know what the hell is going on so she would trans the cat named midnight to its owner and ask what the hell is going on you wrote this I was a professor for 20 years but God is fast the miles are sacred to past they're her messengers oh and here's a fun game bet yourself ten dollars that you can listen to this explanation of who she is without cracking a smile you follow your own desires this is both a blessing and a curse you are a cat woman incredibly heightened so I'm not patient sitting on you are patience and you are Catwoman you just lost $10 dinger so she shows all the photoshopped pictures of history she says that she has been given a gift that's been passed on through the ages and that she has tried to prove this theory as a professor in the past but nobody has ever believed her why may I like a dummy answer what was the reasoning again may I like a dummy oh okay look lady um I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard [ __ ] going on in the world women getting paid less than men that's [ __ ] men sleeping around with women being called a player but woman sleeps around with men she's called a [ __ ] that's [ __ ] but when you go around with your theories that there are effect cat women who exist today and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathed on dead women bringing them back to life is sort of Catwoman zombie if you will who now exists and fight crime even to the day why do you think nobody believed you again maiya like a dummy is wrong it's cuz you're [ __ ] crazy mail academia suck my sexist women bashing chauvinistic stripper watching porn loving overly bangs deck if this movies all Ruben or power help him in the next scene she's dressed like a poster at 13 year old boy when hanging over his bed and jerk off - yeah look at that face it looks even dumber close-up doesn't it I can't tell you how it looks on her far away because I never see it on her far away instead they place it on her CGI puppet which makes me keep checking the TV to make sure I had to put on a rewrite on a [ __ ] reboot someone needs to show these idiots how Catwoman is really done hello we're just giving you a fair warning then you better watch your back and keep an eye out around every corner because a fearsome band of Sharptooth okay guess I'm not gonna throw any caution to the wind here Oh [Music] he opened it I can't believe he just opened it cats out of the bag critic we need a row we can sink our teeth in key and you have the power of Victor Potts yeah it's really good fun what the hell is going on here what do you want we're here to star and your captain in review so we can show up that cow horse Halle Berry forget it you're not stealing this review from me very well you force us to take action get ready to be declawed aha you fallen from the Catwoman's Blue Raiders weakness fetish fuel come on ladies let's finally put these things to some good use oh come on what are you honestly gonna do with those pointless thing [Music] triplane to the Cattleman's duality it often wins the critical phrase hey you seem very to people ish are you kidding I am so psychologically tortured what do you mean I'm the one who's constantly switching sides hey I am extremely complement oh please you never even got a chance to be in the role my dreams were crushed in the first third of screen time oh yeah well can you sing about your dreams like this I dreamed a dream in time gone by well that can't fights going on outside let's see the real catastrophe that's going on here we see Kent woman goes inside a club thinking she can find the answers of who tried to kill her what can I do for you I'm a cat she locates one of the thugs that try to kill her that night and tries to get some info out of him she was a nice girl why oh wait gee let me try and guess what the next line is a dog ate your biscuit can't catch it no yeah yeah that seemed much more logical so he tells her about the secret headquarters she goes there and then leaves odd but wait a second our cop friend might be on the lead about who stole and returned those jewels from the other night oh there are similarities shape of the S or stroke of the arse you took into a handwriting expert look at them wait Charles with a [ __ ] blindfold I could tell it what's that same person okay don't let this get in the way of your date we're a carousel brakes and she uses all her flips and kicks to save a little kid from falling oh wait a minute could this and the handwriting point to her possibly being the culprit well I'm not sure how you did it but I'm impressed yes not no clearly he needs to see her do it like this encounter at circus de Seussical where she's trying to get more answers when our cop friend comes across the Catwoman who's the same height same skin colour exact same voice and yet really [ __ ] miraculously still can't tell who it is yeah look at him trying to take off that mask oh you'll figure it out someday Oh Julie she got away oh well better luck next time I'm off on a date with my cat-like girlfriend it's good to get away from that criminal I'm chasing and being hooked up with a completely different person who hates the rain like a cat eats sushi like a cat cheetah makes purring sounds while having sex with you because guess what you [ __ ] [ __ ] she's a goddamn cat can you just promise me that there's a little blonde haired nice going around actually solving the crime for him it would be any more far-fetched than the rest of this movie and by God I just have to have some hope in humanity party ladies put your kitty pryde into it wait I have a better idea Oh [Music] that's how to give a dog a bone huh that was weird and that's it Catwoman can never resist a romantic dance sequence [Music] anyway Sharon Stone's evil plan is revealed which is the exact same people planned in the first 10 minutes nothing's changed yet we spent an hour and a half trying to reveal it and she Frank's Catwoman for the murder of her husband but Inspector Clouseau finally figures out it was her the whole time how well through his brilliant deductive reasoning and high-tech CSI canta tree they took the lipstick mark that was left on his cheek during the fight sequence and compared it with the lipstick mark she left on a glass when they were dating and the DNA and pattern decoder matched them up perfectly thus deducing that they are in fact the same person wow you made that so much more complicated than it needed to be hey genius don't tell anyone but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these guys is dealing burgers I haven't figured out which but she won't find the culprit so even though she's thrown in jail she slips through the bars why do you remind me to hit something later and makes her way to Sharon Stone's hideout where she tries to stop her evil makeup from taking over the world and you know saying that out loud makes me realize just how [ __ ] sexist this empowering women movie sounds mayil academia get this because she's used the makeup for so long and makes her skin indestructible I can't be hurt be lean stop using it and your face disintegrates and if you keep using it skin living Marvel so wait she's created this makeup where the more you use it the more powerful you become and all you had to do is keep using it to make you stronger I'm sorry what's the downside to this Oh people will rot if you stop using it well okay keep [ __ ] using it where's the problem where are you marketing this in cosmetics you should be marketing this to the military male like a dummy oh oh [Music] I guess the problem is she's a [ __ ] liar the makeup is clearly not indestructible as it apparently starts coming off oh [Music] and apparently indestructible doesn't also include falling off a building yeah that's the barely it's kryptonite to kind of false advertising but whatever can't woman is proven innocent but fine she can't stay with her boyfriend because last ten minutes of spider-man explanation and I cry for anyone who didn't get an immediate refund before the credits started rolling [Music] you dance so well yes and since I'm so complex it feels like I'm dancing with more than one person actually a little less than before what am i doing hi you know I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs you see just the mere appearance of them even if they're covered up guarantees a few count of TT proportions we would be more than happy to continue exploiting our boobage once you give us an opinion if that god-awful Halle Berry don't want her performance that's easy enough I think she's fine what I mean it's by no means good but let's face it there's nothing any actress could bring to it to make it work I mean when the script calls for you to rub catnip on your face how well can you seriously portray that it's over-the-top and goofy but I think that just adds to the insanity that the film has already gotten across so in all fairness I see no reason to fall or out for it wouldn't you agree is my male academia showing bullets all of you I mean haven't you ever put together that maybe not being in this movie is the best thing that could ever happen to you I mean this film is beyond bad like head-scratching Lee how on earth could anybody take any sentence in this seriously bad it's a Marvel it can barely be put into words nothing in any realm of reality could possibly save it from the bad writing and directing that consumed every frame of this picture yeah it is that bad and you want to be a part of that you don't even know what you're suffering from do you you are suffering from cat women raging against Halle Berry syndrome that's right you all have crabs so that explains that itchy feeling inside it's alright a lot of women who have gone through what you've gone through have it and it's nothing to be ashamed of who you have to do is find a way to live with it and continue to bring joy to people but how can four attractive women dress like this bring joy to people on the Internet there's definitely a way I am so fluffy yep the only thing that desire gets more views than porn is Kathy Halle Berry and if somebody didn't like my movie if you should come across Halle Berry you are doomed course she clearly has no idea what makes a real cowboy [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you maiya lakatamia [Music] I'm Anne Hathaway and I have crabs I'm Sean Young and I of crabs I'm Eartha Kitt and I have cramps I'm Michelle Pfeiffer and I have crabs I'm just Arriba and I have crabs really you have Catwoman raging against Halle Berry syndrome Oh God [Applause]

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 1,614,696

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, Catwoman (Award-Winning Work), Review, Comics (Comic Book Genre), Comic Book (Comic Book Genre), movie review, film review, catwoman movie, Catwoman (Comic Book Character)

Id: jaFInK3o4iY

Length: 31min 37sec (1897 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 03 2015