[Raptor] Critic! Aaah! What the hell? Ugh, sorry. I just had a "night-meme". A what? A "night-meme", something you swear you're never gonna do again, but then it works its way into your subconscious so it keeps popping up. Don't you mean "nightmare"? (sigh) No... That's yet to come. Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to! Once upon a time there was an awesome movie called "Jurassic Park." Then it gave birth to a shitty sequel called "The Lost World." [Dr. Malcolm] I don't think so! And then that gave birth to the lost cause, "Jurassic Park 3." This is the one that many people consider to be the absolute worst of the series. But... is it really the worst? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a bad movie, it's a complete waste of time. But, in a strange way it kind of knows it's a waste of time, so it doesn't even try to be anything big and massive like its predecessors. On the one hand, it's kind of refreshing, as it's only an hour and a half long instead of two and a half hours, and most of the time is focused on the dinosaur chases and not annoying characters. [Amanda] BEN? ... well, I said "most." But does that mean the movie should be hated more, or less? It's kind of like punishing a child for doing nothing wrong, but the punishment is so ridiculously lenient that it's obvious the child isn't gonna learn his lesson. What's more tragic, the child wrongfully being punished, or the parent not giving a crap if the punishment's effective? Let's finish off this "trilogy" sixty-million years in the sucking. This is "Jurassic Park 3." It begins with a kid paragliding with some tour guides along the island from the second film that's apparently restricted. And in case that wasn't clear for all the kindergartners this movie was made for, they write it in big cartoon letters to clarify. Thank you. Why don't you just spell it out a little bit more in case we're too fucking stupid to follow? So... yeah, the movie's pretty much emphasizing you'd have to be a goddamn idiot to go here, so we see some goddamn idiots who decide to go here. [Ben] Make sure you get us as close as you can! [Driver] Not to close, eh? You don't wanna be eaten! I mean, c'mon, they KNOW they're taking a kid into a restricted area filled with fucking dinosaurs. What could possibly go- ? Yeah, after the dinosaurs eat the boat, the kid and the other guy obviously there just to get eaten cut loose and get blown onto the island. This leads us to Dr. Grant, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit-ton of money. He's played by Sam Neill, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit-ton of money. Hey, can't fault good casting. [Dr. Sattler] My editor thinks he's a paleontologist. [Dr. Sattler] (muttering) That's good. [Dr. Sattler] Hey, Mark! We see what absolutely nobody wanted to see: Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler completely split up, as she decided to have a family with someone else. Oh, yeah. You nailed that one, movie. That's EXACTLY what everybody was hoping was going to happen by the end of the first film. Just like Tommy Lee Jones splitting up with his wife in "Men In Black 2", or the orphanage being shut down in "Blues Brothers 2000", or all the supporting characters being killed in "Alien 3"! You made one of the most likable elements in the previous film mean completely nothing. (scoff) Why don't you just write a big sign at the ending of the first movie saying: [Jake from "Blues Brothers"] Bullshit! [Dr. Sattler] So, you know, Mark's been working with the State Department now? [Dr. Grant] Yeah, what do you do, Mark? (imitating Grant) Yes, what do you do aside from pumping out children for my baby-obsessed former girlfriend? [Dr. Sattler] So what are you working on now? [Dr. Grant] Raptors mostly. [Dr. Sattler] My favorite. The even stranger thing is, they still have chemistry! When they talk, I want to see them together, I want to see them figure out dinosaur shit! [Dr. Grant] We found what looks like a very sophisticated resonating chamber. [Dr. Sattler] Wait a second. So we were right. I mean, they had the ability to vocalize. But nope! His girlfriend in this movie is replaced by this guy: Billy, played by Castor Troy's brother from "Face Off." And this time instead of focusing on swapping faces, he's focusing on swapping raptor voices. As, (scoff) get this: they recreate a raptor's vocal chamber, so they can "flawlessly" recreate a raptor's call. [Billy] Listen to this. Yeah. I'm SURE that's how it works. Hey look! I have the vocal chambers of Keanu Reeves! (imitating Keanu Reaves) Whoa! (imitating Keanu Reaves) Bogus! (imitating Keanu Reaves) Somebody put me in a good movie! *Guitar riff* But it comes too late, as Dr. Grant has to go from fundraiser to fundraiser to try and raise money to continue his digging work. [Principle] Does anyone have a question? [Dr. Grant] Does anyone have a question that does not relate to Jurassic Park? Hey, it's like the real Sam Neill at a comic convention. [Male Student] Isn't all this conjecture kind of moot? [Male Student] Once the UN and Costa Rica and everyone decides how to handle that second island? [Dr. Grant] What John Hammond did at Jurassic Park... [Dr. Grant] was create genetically engineered theme park monsters. [Female Student] You wouldn't want to get onto Isla Sorna and study them, if you have the chance? [Dr. Grant] No force, on Earth or heaven, could get me on that island. That's right, no force on heaven or earth, could possibly get him on that island... ...Except for the exact same thing that got him there in the first movie. [Paul] I could write all kinds of numbers on this check, Dr. Grant. This expedition is run by Paul Pussy and Amanda Pussy, played by William H. Macy and Téa Leoni, who tell Dr. Grant they want to explore Isla Sequel on a plane for their anniversary. And because this movie is just eager to get itself over with, he blindly agrees. But he can't help but feel something terrible lies in the future... [Raptor] Alan! [Billy] Alan! And that was our first big scare everybody! A pre-historic version of the Muppet show! [Raptor] Alan! Fucking FAIL. I'm sorry, I don't care at what strategic point you put it or in what area you have it pop out, there is no way a dinosaur saying - [Raptor] Alan! - is ever going to be scary. [Raptor] Alan! No, I told you, it's not gonna work. [Raptor] Alan! No, I told you, it's not happening! [Raptor] Alan! That's it, I'm outta here. [Raptor] Alan! Will you piss off?! [Tamara] Hey Critic, I've got this pain in my stomach, could you check it out? Yeah, sure. [Raptor] Alan! Dammit! Will you get lost?! [Raptor] Alan! Hello? [Doctor on phone] Hello, is this Nostalgia Critic? Yeah? [Doctor on phone] This is the St. Joseph Hospital. [Doctor on phone] I regret to inform you that you mother has just passed away. Wh-What? [Doctor on phone] Yes. She died last night peacefully in her sleep. God, I... I didn't even know she was sick! [Doctor on phone] She wanted to keep it from you. [Doctor on phone] She knew how busy you were, and didn't want to interrupt your work. I... S-Sweet Jesus. [Doctor on phone] She fought hard. She put up a good fight. But in the end, there's simply nothing we can do. [Doctor on phone] I'm sorry, son. W... D-Did she leave any final words? [Doctor on phone] As a matter of fact, she did. Well what were they? [Doctor on phone] It was one, single, solitary word. Well, what was it, please! [Doctor on phone] Alright. Are you listening? Yeah. [Doctor on phone] (quieter) Are you listening? (quieter) Yeah. [Doctor on phone] (even quieter) Are you listening? (even quieter) Yeah. [Doctor on phone] (even quieter) Are you listening? (even quieter) Yeah. [Doctor on phone] Alright. Here is her final word: [Raptor] Alan! I HATE THIS SCARE! [Dr. Grant] My God, I'd forgotten... (imitating a plane announcer) And if you look down below you'll see the leftover animation from "The Land Before Time 6." (imitating a plane announcer) Oh, I mean, uh, don't they look real! Wow! [Nash] We have a landing strip up ahead, do you want me to put her down? [Dr. Grant] What do you mean "set her down," you can't land here, what are you talking about - [Paul] Hold on, hold on - However, when they look for a place to land, Dr. Grant urges them not to, but gets knocked out. When he wakes up, he finds out that the whole point of this journey wasn't to just go sight-seeing, but to bring back their son who got lost while paragliding. They also have little-to-no money, are currently divorced, and really enjoy annoyingly shouting their son's name. [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! [Amanda] ERIC! [Paul] ERIC! Do you think this island is the police office from "Home Alone"? I don't think you can just randomly find someone by shouting across the room! [Dr. Grant] Will you tell your wife to stop making that noise, that is a very, very bad idea! [Paul] Dr. Grant said that's a bad idea. [Amanda] WHAT'S A BAD IDEA? [Paul] What was that? George of the Jungle. What d'ya think? So as our team is clearly wondering why the hell they didn't bring a helicopter, seeing how they don't need a runway, the plane is knocked over by something obviously hungry for extras. (imitating Nash) Oh please let this be one of those monster movies where the black guy doesn't get- GOD DAMMIT! It's okay, just use the bullhorn to call the police! [Dr. Grant] Follow me! (imitating the Spinosaurus) Alright, your guys go ahead, I'm gonna keep looking for you in here - (imitating the Spinosaurus) Oh, hey, I see what you did there! But sure enough, who makes another appearance? ♫I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' T-REX♫ YEAH! FUCK YEAH! GO IN THERE AND TEACH THAT SQUIGGLY JAWED BITCH! ♫I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN' T-REX♫ YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! ♫I'M A MOTHERFUCKIN - OH SHIT! Huh? No. No no no. No no no no no no no, that didn't just happen. That didn't just happen. That was the motherfuckin' t-rex, nobody outdoes the motherfuckin' t-rex! Who's this bitch that thinks she's the motherfuckin' t-rex, she's not the motherfuckin' t-rex! In the poster for "Transformers 4: The Splooging of the Dong," That's not a dinosaur that looks like Daffy Duck's beak after it got shot, it's the motherfuckin' t-rex! It's like killing off Batman and replacing him with Super-Duper-Better Man, no no no, there's just some things you do not fuck around with! I-It's like taking a kids favorite toy and being like... [Father] Hey there, kiddo. You like your Dora the Explorer doll? [Kid] Sure do! [Father] Well, what would you think if I got you a brand new Barbie doll? [Kid] Oh, that's okay, I love Dora. [Father] No, you love Barbie. [Kid] Um... I'm pretty sure I love Dora - [Father] Oh, look at that, Barbie killed Dora, now you have to love Barbie! [Kid] Poor Dora! [Father] YOU CARE NOTHING FOR HER, YOU INSTEAD LOVE YOUR BARBIE DOLL! [Kid] I DON'T WANT TO! [Father] YOU WILL LOVE HER!!! [Kid] NO, DADDY, NO! [FATHER] AAAAAAAAAA - Wow... I was in a dark place when I wrote that. Well, what do you expect?! Can you really fucking blame me after seeing the motherfucking t-rex be - I - I - I need a break. Here's a donation site to give money to the greatest dinosaur who ever existed. (choked-up) That was the motherfuckin' t-rex... So after the t-rex is killed by the who-cares-asaurus, Dr. Grant lets out his frustration on Mr. and Mrs. Pussy. [Amanda] N-N-No no no, please, please, don't, stop, please. And as is typical with every Téa Leoni performance, Willy Wonka feigning interest still comes off as more convincing. [Amanda] Please, please, don't, stop, please. [Willy Wonka from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"] Stop, don't, come back. The whole movie she's like a robot who's trying to figure out this human thing called "emotion." [Amanda] Because we have permission to fly low. [Amanda] We're not gonna look for Dr. Grant? [Amanda] You drive five miles under the speed limit, Paul. [Amanda] I shot this the morning they disappeared. [Amanda] If he'd been with you he'd be completely safe. [Amanda] We even have to seats reserved on the first commercial flight to the moon. [Data from "Star Trek"] I find it extremely difficult to predict what you will find acceptable. [Data from "Star Trek"] Perhaps hunger will compel you to try it again. It also doesn't help that she breathes through her mouth more than Kristen Stewart does. Look at this scene! She doesn't say a line, convey an emotion, or anything! It just holds on her fucking leaving her mouth open! It's really kinda baffling! [Paul] Something... See from the air... (imitating Téa Leoni) DUUUUUUUUUUH... By a pretty big fucking amount of luck they find the kid's parachute, as well as Ben, the guy who was paragliding with him. Or... at least what's left of him. Uuugh. Y'Know, I didn't think it was possible to out-Capshaw Kate Capshaw, but lady, you are seriously cutting off the nuts of my patience. [Paul] Okay, okay, you're free - (imitating Téa Leoni) I'm gonna go star in an Adam Sandler movie to make his acting look good! [Dr. Grant] Get her back, Mr. Kirby! [Paul] Amanda! But they come across not the safest of environments... [Dr. Grant] (whispering) Raptor... [Indiana Jones from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"] I hate these guys. Things don't get any better when they come across a research lab where the worst kind of raptor is waiting: the mohawk raptor! (imitating a Californian accent) Dude, I just wanna be the drummer from Blink 182! [Dr. Grant] My god... [Dr. Grant] It's calling for help. (imitating Dr. Grant) I'm intrigued by this thing I said I'd never be intrigued by in the opening. So the raptors let out the call of... Darth Vader with mucus build-up? ... as everyone gets to safety except Grant. (imitating male raptor) Oh no! Maybe we should have actually eaten him (imitating male raptor) instead of looking at him for a couple seconds! (imitating female raptor) I just wanted another one to say "clever girl!" (imitating male raptor) Julie! (imitating female raptor) I'm sorry, it was just so cool when he said it, (imitating female raptor) I just wanted to hear somebody else say it again! (imitating male raptor) You are SO insecure, Julie! (imitating female raptor) SHUT UP! (imitating male raptor) YOU SHUT UP! Thank God Princess Mononoke comes in to save the day, which turns out to be Eric von Plot-point. [Eric] When InGen cleared out they left a lot of stuff behind. [Dr. Grant] Any weapons? [Eric] No, and I just used the last of the gas grenades. [Dr. Grant] Eric, I have to tell you that I am astonished that you've lasted eight weeks on this island. [Eric] Is that all it's been? Okay, I'm all for strong kid characters contributing more to the story aside from being a helpless waif, but EIGHT WEEKS on his fucking own? On a goddamn island filled with DINOSAURS? [Dr. Grant] This is t-rex pee? [Dr. Grant] How'd you get it? [Eric] You don't wanna know. Why the hell did we even need to rescue this kid? We could just drop a bunch of paper-clips and a balloon and he'd have an army style raft in a millisecond! They shouldn't be saving that kid, he should be saving them! [Dr. Grant] Did you read Malcolm's book? [Eric] It was kinda preachy. [Eric] And, and too much chaos, everything's "chaos." [Eric] It seemed like the guy was kinda high on himself. That and he included all his "ums." Who does that? But when looking for one another they hear a phone ring and conclude that it must be the other group. [Paul] I knew it! My God... However, strangely enough, neither of them seem to have the phone. [Paul] I don't have it! [Paul] I loaned it to Nash. [Paul] He must have had it when he - (imitating the Spinosaurus) You have a voicemail... [Dr. Grant] (whispering) Run! Boy, strange how they could hear the ring of a tiny phone and yet the giant clomping sounds of a monster even bigger than the t-rex, who shook the ground whenever she walked, for some reason didn't catch their ears. Yes, obviously, if she could crash through a giant spike-filled gate surely a small steel door would be too much for her. I'm sure she shares in the same pain as the aliens from "Signs". But we do discover why the raptors have been pursuing them as long as they were: Billy, a fucking expert on dinosaurs, thought stealing a few eggs wouldn't piss them off at all. [Billy] I took them on an impulse, I thought they'd be worth a fortune, enough to fund the dig site another ten more years. [Billy] But I did it with the best intentions. [Dr. Grant] Some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions. Just look at every Academy Awards show! So he decides there's only one thing to do with the eggs... [Elrond from "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"] DESTROY IT! [Paul] What if they catch us with them? [Dr. Grant] What if they catch us without them? (imitating Paul) I thought we agreed we do not negotiate with raptors! So Indiana Schmo tries to lead them out safely, but guess what the fuck they come across? More dinosaurs! Oh, God, Pterri's never been the same since they canceled "Pee-Wee's Playhouse." [Ptrerri from "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"] Will you come outside and play with me? [Ptrerri from "Pee-Wee's Playhouse"] Will you go outside and play with me now? [Eric] No! Huh... I guess the mother wants the kids to work for their food? I know whenever I feed a baby, I put the food at least five feet away from him! Lazy bastards should work for their own damn grub! [Dr. Grant] BILLY! Of course, he manages to pack the parachute PERFECTLY, despite it being ripped up by a tree, and manages to save the kid. [Pee-Wee from "Pee Wee's Playhouse"] Pterri, I told you not to play Acapulco Cliff Diver in the Playhouse! [Pee-Wee from "Pee Wee's Playhouse"] Pterri, what's the matter with you? That's the fish's water! [Billy] GET AWAY! But sadly, it seems like he's not able to save himself. [Pollux from "Face-Off"] Bye bro. Despite the loss of their wingman - they still manage to throw in a few seconds of, "oh yeah, dinosaurs are magical 'n shit." And I mean, literally, a few seconds. Thirty-seven, to be exact. [Dante from "Clerks"] THIRTY-SEVEN?! Yeah, thirty-seven. This whole movie is like a "Jurassic Park" Paint-by-Numbers. There's no flow or segue, it's just hitting the points you know you need to hit. Hit the buildup, hit the big dino-moment, hit the little dino-moment, hit the "ooh, ahh" moment. Except in that "ooh" and "ahh" moment, not only is it incredibly short, but the dinosaurs aren't even that whimsical looking! They look creepy as fucking shit! They look like Purplesaurus crossed with that new faceless Joker. This isn't charming, it's scary as hell! Well, thankfully, they come across one of the intentionally scary ones, though. This ought to get a few thrills at least. Okay, I think I've figured out the problem here: All the dinosaurs that are supposed to be really threatening are either laughably useless or distractingly cute, and all the dinosaurs that are supposed to be harmless are terrifyingly frightening or horrendously hideous. I think someone in the design department got a few notes backwards! Oh, it's time to paint number "Obligatory Rain Scene with Monster in it," as Flintstone-asaurus attacks yet again. What is this dinosaur's deal with these guys? It's not like there isn't bigger game to chase. Hell, the fucking t-rex probably would've fed her for a month, so why does she keep going after them? Maybe to dinosaurs, all people look like running middle fingers. Hey, it makes about as much sense as any other reason. But Grant finally manages to get the cell phone to work. So, who does he call? The police? The army? The navy? Okay...? [Dr. Sattler's son] Hello? [Dr. Grant] Take the phone to Mommy, now! Unfortunately, the kid gets distracted by the Irony Channel, and they have to fight the dino off themselves. [Dr. Grant] THE RIVER! SITE B! [Dr. Sattler] HELLO?! [Dr. Sattler's son] Rawr, rawr rawr! Well, to be fair, that was scarier than most of the other dinosaurs in this movie. But they manage to swim their way out just in time to paint number “Action Breakup Dialogue." Oh, it doesn't matter what it is they talk about, It can be anything! Really, fucking anything! Just to make people think they’re not watching anything but mindless action when clearly that’s exactly what they’re doing. Come on. Just a solid minute of filler! [Paul] Remember when we went fishing a couple summers ago? [Paul] I was putting the boat in the water and the trailer sank. [Paul] The tow truck tried to pull us out and it got dragged in, too. [Paul] The truck driver wanted to knock my lights out. [Paul] I miss fishing. Or... ten fucking seconds will apparently do, too! Wow, that must have been like a record! Possibly the fastest pointless exchange ever in an action movie. But like I said, nobody cares about getting invested this time around, just show us what toys you want us to buy and we’ll be good. Ah, here we go. Okay, these are built up as like, the GREATEST hunters, Why do they always just look at them instead of attacking them and/or getting their eggs back? What, is this some kind of power trip for them? (imitating male raptor) Well, well, what've we got 'ere, Squiggy? (imitating another male raptor) Looks like a couple of dweebos that don’t need their lunch money. (imitating male raptor) It'd be a shame if somethin' were to happens to thems. (imitating another male raptor) You said it, Squints. But, of course, Grant manages to communicate with them via bullshit horn. The translation might have gotten a little jumbled, though. They manage, of course, to get away and come across… A scene from Lost? ...as it turns out Sattler called the right people to save the day. (imitating a soldier) Thank God we dropped off that guy in the suit totally alone ahead of time (imitating a soldier) or else you’d be less likely to commit that visual to memory! Okay, hold on. So a scientist who’s not very rich or famous, gets help to go after another scientist who’s not very rich or famous, and gets the fucking Army. But when a little kid, who would obviously make headlines if he showed up dead is in trouble, what do we get? [Amanda] BEN! UH, BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT. Even Billy seems to have somehow made it out okay. I don’t know, the movie doesn’t care to explain it. Why should we care to hear it? Until it seems the adventure is not quite over. [Pilot] What the hell is that? [Eric] Dr. Grant. look! [Eric] Where do you think they're going? [Dr. Grant] I don’t know, maybe just looking for new nesting grounds. [Dr. Grant] It’s a whole new world for them. [Paul] Let's go home. Except for the fact that it is over. Well what the flying fuck was the point of that? Oh good, the things that tried to peck our dicks off are looking for a new nesting ground! Whoopity-fucking-do, why is this worth mentioning? Hell, why are you even trying to make it look like a good thing?! Killer dinosaurs can take flight and are flying towards your homes! What’s with the whimsy music, this is horrifying news! (imitating Fievel from "An American Tail") Henri, is that America? (imitating Henri from "An American Tail") Yes, my dear Fievel. There is still so much America left to eat! (imitating Fievel from "An American Tail") Will we devour them all? (imitating Henri from "An American Tail") Yes, Fievel! We will make their insides their outsides! Hon hon hon hon! And that’s "Jurassic Park 3". Is it the worst of the series? Kinda, sorta. But it is mercifully short! At only an hour and a half, the film plays more like a B-movie. Just bring in who you like, get them into action quickly, and then have them leave just as quickly. While "Lost World" was technically a bigger film, it was so long and so heavy-handed with its message and bland characters, that I remember it being more painful to sit through. Here, the movie kind of knows it has no reason to exist, so it just sort of comes and goes. It’s obvious less effort is put into it, so it’s kind of hard to get truly that angry with it. It comes off as less of an insult and more something that obviously is just pointless in its existence. I guess in the long run, it’s a personal preference which one is the worst. But, one thing is definitely for sure… [Dr. Malcolm] That is one big pile of shit. No, that's what I'm going to take on this MOVIE, because not only does it deserve it, but it would also make it at least a little bit more interesting! I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! [Raptor] Alan! Credit to the That Guy With The Glasses Wiki for providing the transcript to this review! [Amanda] Eric!
