A.I. Artificial Intelligence - Nostalgia Critic

that's a DMV our crack team of journalist uncover the most important news Kim Kardashian shoes two weeks old this is the biggest news since man walked on the moon right because Danby we're really important Jennifer Love Hewitt has so you like cellulose you front-page jennifer Love Hewitt's shows cellulite she cares nothing for the world I am also about him bear you're like but they're nothing without us Brad Pitt taking his kids to school he's like a person or something look like you can just live life like the rest of us damn day you'll need to know this or you'll die now let's see if our newest member has anything to say just Andhra critic what do you got it's a time for commercial yet these are the exact same instructions you give a prostitute a mr. critic isn't as much better than mocking us on your website yeah well it was very kind of your people to get in contact with our people let us know that you didn't like the way we represented you it's good to know that industry that machs so many has such a thick not hypocritical skin themselves well I'm just glad you took our offer to come down here for a day and see that we conduct very important very serious work and I thought I'd take a chance and hope that one of us could learn the meaning of the word fair I guess it was too optimistic to assume both of us would Jennifer Lopez was caught with nose hairs Amy back from my key bar it's not easy representing someone let alone to work maybe Steven Spielberg show thought Emily took over Stanley Kubrick's long-awaited fairytale and this was no easy task Kubrick director of a Clockwork Orange 2001 a Space Odyssey and Spielberg hawky all know who he is where as far in the opposite ends of the directing spectrum as you could possibly get Kubrick was cold and dark Spielberg was whimsical an enchanting Kubrick was slow and eerie Spielberg was peppy and upbeat stylistically there were practically nothing alike the only thing the two did seem to have in common is that at times they surprisingly me2 each other Spielberg often longed to be that arthouse risk-taker that Kubrick was and Kubrick often longed to be the audience pleasing sentimentalist that Spielberg was so when Kubrick was going through years and years and writer after writer perfecting his vision of what he would call his sci-fi version of Pinocchio he felt he didn't have the talent to pull off the emotional heart needed and hated directing over to Spielberg while Kubrick would produce it Spielberg thought he didn't have the talent to pull off the calculated artistry needed and handed it back to Kubrick while he would produce it being friends for years they each made the argument that the other was better to direct until Kubrick finally caved in and said after his film Eyes Wide Shut a I would be the next film he would do and just to make things even more complicated Kubrick so Spielberg thought it best that he'd bring the legendary director's masterwork to life himself resulting in the awkward unfocused and confused low trainwreck we all know as AI with the style of two totally different directors being juggled this film is about as big a mess as you can imagine if you find yourself paying less attention to the story and instead focusing more on is that a Kubrick move or a Spielberg move and instead of being one artists great masterpiece we get visual backwash and emotional hand-me-down to replace raw feelings and ideas so let's see how the master of art represents the master of art this is AI so we open the story about a human robot with hollywood's own human robot William Hurt all over you working he plays the head of a business that makes androids and he's looking to create an Android that's actually capable of love I propose that we build a robot child who can love a robot child who will genuinely love the parent or parents it imprints on with a love that will never end hmm interesting idea raising a lot of interesting questions how do you program love can it be programmed what's the difference between love and desire is there a difference can it be technically defined and if it can't can you assume you can properly create it does love only work if it's shared equally all of these questions and more will be thrown to the kinda category as we have to establish this future that clearly exists only to justify our characters idiot moves for example in this post-apocalyptic world yeah it's about as post-apocalyptic as a Betty Crocker commercial pregnancy must be sanctioned to keep population under control after the ice caps melted this is rough seeing how one couple has to keep their child frozen because he's suffering from we need to keep you out of the first 20 minutes itis and thus they seemed like the perfect parents to try out their new boy-toy I like your floor this is David played by Jesus you're scary Haley Joel Osment who's been allowed to be their son this imprinting is irreversible the robot childs love would be sealed in a sense hardwired and would be part of him forever yeah great plan right I mean can you see anything going wrong with this idea ethical scarring emotional crippling me I just see playing catch don't plant until you're entirely sure now what you might notice very quickly is that Spielberg has done a pretty decent job recreating the cinematography of Kubrick's work it actually mirrors a lot of techniques that Kubrick has done in the past oh I know Cooper hust it once in a while so people will call me a genius when I use it all the time what he hasn't captured though is the editing or the tone Kubrick would let a lot of his shots go on for a while building an uncomfortable mood and allowing you to enjoy the visuals or movement but Spielberg cuts his shots just like any other movie making his way for quirky scenes like this which very likely would not end up in a typical Kubrick production stop yep I think if Kubrick was directing this we all know how this scene would go come play with me mommy but it's okay David finally finds a way to win over his mother's affection what you would [ __ ] your pants and throw the [ __ ] thing away well not our mother she figures that's enough to push the I love you forever button which programs the child to never stop obsessing over her till the end of his days boy if they knew that was the selling point for most parents they'd have them laugh at even more things hey take a look Keyes housing foreclosure chassis Morgan oh he's a keeper so David is now programmed to love only his mom but not his dad so much seeing how he never refers to him as dad hello David oh ouch I just will change his name to I'm not your sperm David also gets a new playmate a little toy named teddy hello daddy hello David why does that create uncomfortable flashbacks this is the end my cuddly friend the yes this is the end Oh David teddy is a super toy and I know you'll take good care of each other I am NOT a toy teddy is my slave name you may call me cuddly Kinte but though that pesky real son wakes up and apparently is not thrilled about robotic replacement doing terrible things like forcing his mother to read horribly ironic stories his favorite being Pinocchio David's going to love it but David ends up liking this story particularly the part about where the Blue Fairy turns Pinocchio into a real boy a pipsqueak mcbean bull [ __ ] constantly reminds him that he's not a real boy so fighting for his mother's attention he tries eating spinach to convince that he is real you will break Zen man servation from Teddy or threat I must predict you does he eat fish Martin you're provoking him David stop it oh no they use Photoshop smear we need heavy-duty Mario Party for this he gets fixed up but scheme emic weasel [ __ ] has yet another plan I want a lock of mommy's hair I'll share it with you and if you had it important she might love him even more the Ranger isn't gonna like this yogi he tries cutting off the hair but ends up looking like a poster child for Lizzie Borden's barber school which ends up getting the parents concerned if he was created to love and it's reasonable to assume he knows how to hate and if pushed to those extremes what is he really capable of and more importantly why did another scientist putting him together everything else why is it every story where someone wants to play God they're always like in those questions will just go away why does nobody in movies ever think of the consequences consequences response questions as long as I'm rich but through misunderstanding number 20 David becomes afraid of some bullies heights behind his brother and they both fall into the pool resulting in his brother almost getting killed so I guess it's finally time to bring him in and have the scientists look at a lot of these kinks going on huh no CIM yeah no there's no other alternative he's got to die just hop in your mechanical hot dog in town were taking a trip to the liquidation Factory come on zan easy choice it's not like anybody would grow attached to him with his big puppy-dog eyes and isn't smile and will to love past the end of time I mean Jesus what have kids in the 90s had to get rid of their fur bees the exact same way teddy no I'm sorry son but you read the instructions once he starts malfunctioning he has to be bludgeoned to death as violently as possible but I laugh oh now don't tell me you want to see the therapist again where are we going what's ready tonight tell me about the rabbits George I I have to leave you here I have to go stop no I'm sorry this emotional meat tenderizer to your nads is not warranted there's a bajillion other ways around this we program him change the settings wipe his memory adjust his abilities be more specific in your commands nothing about this makes any sense I think the only way it would make even less sense isn't Batman showed up and said I pulled his brother into the pool sorry I didn't tell you about the world and if his mother loved him so much she wouldn't leave him to roam alone in this dangerous world she sorry she never taught him about she wouldn't know it's much worse to leave him alive knowing he'll never see her again then it is just to shut him off I mean come on Spielberg Cooper covered his tracks better than this I mean what human being would be so Anson minded and so cruel okay people story time duty calls damn BAE we dedicate our lives to make sure you were all right boys go I was diggin to Leonardo DiCaprio's garbage and I found McDonald's Oh he eats food obviously someone's in financial tip Bella Papa I'm dominant damn babe Weasley motive guys I have a picture of Natalie Portman with a mustard stain on her shirt to shun her we must shun her put that picture on the front page the people must know him very much as you dumbasses wanted Rick when you got well I did find a story here that a Sandra Bullock Sandra Bullock will be honored for donating $25,000 to the warren Essen charter high school which was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina no aji also opened an on-campus health clinic there as well you say we want about our shitty movies but that's pretty cool right I mean that's really big of her looks fat what shits really fat mr. Norton new front page Sandra Bullock ballooning the blind side of our backside get back our folks dear Brutus lies not in Our Stars but in ourselves I mean we trend men miss Lois what's wrong first I get thought about doing real journalism respecting my job could your bidding something important people's lie miss Lewis pull yourself together yeah your job is [ __ ] if you don't report Emma Watson possibly having a double jam then who will I just swallow your dignity and remember you have no soul to lose okay good good Tim bag we're cool really we're cool so we cut to what I like to call movie two because yeah from this point on it is pretty much an entirely different movie where we see Jude Law playing a prostitute he's in trouble because he's framed for a murder by a jealous ex-lover and thus is on the run because apparently even though it's explained very clearly that none of these robots are able to have feelings they do seem to have a need for self-preservation and a need to form opinions and I need to be sarcastic and a need to have distinct personalities and a need to adapt and a need to change and a need to interact and a need to survive and a need to help and I need to protect and I need to fight and a need to lie and a need to deceit and a need to what and I need to desire and I need to do just about anything a goddamn human being emotionally needs to do but just to emphasize again none of them have any emotional feelings what so ever yeah and Mel Gibson just drinks a little too much coffee he does no splash so David comes across a bunch of robot zombies which if that's not a thing somebody make that a thing but they see a bad moon rising which are actually representatives of a flesh fair a gathering of people who hate robots and take ones who are no longer owned and destroy them okay I know we're trying to hammer in the whole fairy tale thing but really this is what we're doing for chased by wolves is this really the best you got cuz if you're gonna do that why don't you just make Little Red Riding Hood a gang on the east side with red hoodies just posing for the camera to show off that effect okay so they get caught in a net yeah apparently these super-strong robots greatest weakness is a net as they drag him to the last place they want to go to welcome to the Kubrick Spielberg collaboration everybody doesn't it look exactly how you thought it would look oh the artistic majesty oh the visual wonder oh the Chris Rock Pot can you kind of shoot me over the propeller thing yeah I don't need to go food I was considering it but I changed my mind okay mr. Spielberg I'm not gonna act like I'm the biggest aficionado want Stanley Kubrick or anything but I'm just gonna take a wild guess a wild [ __ ] guess that Stanley Kubrick the director of 2001 a Clockwork Orange the shot anyone but a dress my body there I mean did you really think that was part of the great masters vision really was one of the agreements that you guys talked about in making this film four years that it cannot be made unless the essential Chris Rock bot was in there just somewhere anywhere the whole entire thing would crumble if really a Chris Rock bot or maybe Stanley Kubrick was a big Chris Rock fan I mean who knows maybe he could use them in all their films it feels around back then open the pod bay doors he'll open the doors now what's the problem crack-a-lackin' you got stuck down what are you talking about I gotta get this part right oh I'm gonna have nothing but shitty movies for the rest of my life how I would argue with you man but I don't think you understand you've got the gun Oh I'll go in through the emergency airlock what do you want okay I mean it's lazy it's so [ __ ] lazy I mean what a TA would actually put another meeting everyone sometimes I wonder if Spielberg even understands what means to represent someone fairly alright guys because we have so many important topics to get out there I thought it'd be best if we select our stories a little faster so I'm gonna hold up a picture of a celebrity and I think we should do a story on it then I let on the collective grunt and if you don't think that's a great idea alright so we would turn back to the flesh WWE monster truck anti-gay marriage fair when somebody thinks David shouldn't be there your machine impossible why he looks like every other robot there at least the ones that look human it's because there's never been a robot child before 75 years at least of androids and there's never been a robot child the Chris Rock bot was more important to make than a robot child I'm sorry unless he's a machine that also turns water to absinthe I wouldn't buy them I said that go I'm trying but just when it looks like David and his prostate are about to go to silicon heaven the audience finds they just can't do it mecha don't plead for their lives oh really did you not hear the comedic pleads of the Chris Rock bot I'm sorry I know I'm dwelling but really what was that so they let him go and the prostitute his new mission to find the Blue Fairy rather than the prosthetist tell him though I don't know there's no such thing he says the answer lies in a perverted little town known as Rouge City they go through let's face it the most awesome shot in the movie and hitch a ride all the way down the pg13 land a place that never would have existed in Kubrick's world that's right all of your wildest fantasies mildly realized oh look at how sort of stimulating that is oh look at how kind of erotic that turns out ish Hey look that almost looks like a nipple almost and because the Internet apparently doesn't exist in this future all of your questions have to be answered by a distracting Robin dr. Wylie williams performance savvy minds welcome to dr. know where fast-food for thought is served up 24 hours a day in 40,000 locations nationwide question one explain these I don't but dr. Google it appears doesn't seem to have the answers that David is looking for where is Blue Fairy in the garden Vasko stylist Blue Fairy Bloom's twice annually with bright blue flowers on a branched inflorescence come on just a few years after this movie came out we got the greatest search engines possible and this incredible future thing can't even tell if it means a flower a story or whatever calorie let's be the AOL of search engines but they finally asked the right question and figure out that the Blue Fairy apparently is at the factory where David was created all the way in New York City kind of strange office location don't you think is the commute difficult for workers there hey Frank going to destroyed ruin number five again nah I think I'm upgrading to dangerously unstable rubble number three you know looking to move up in the world but David goes inside the factory and searches for himself sort of Uriel I'm David you're not yes I am so my let's be friends but I'm sure kind loving David will find it in his heart to find that he's unique in his own wonderful I can't believe I know I'm a machine I never realised they could build another one of me why is so much obvious logical information was out of my memory banks why but the bland pod comes in and explains that everything that's happened to him was all part of the plan the ability to chase down our dreams and that is something no machine has ever done until you till you were born robots didn't dream robots didn't desire unless we told them what to want your ability to want nothing but your mother even after you were programmed to want nothing but your mother is a break through I thought I was one of a kind you are the first of a kind my brain is rolling out teams anxious to talk to you want you to wait here I'll gather the mother yes after killing your robotic double destroying the room and looking completely brain raped I'll leave you here completely alone and unattended what could go wrong well how about this David throws himself off the building into the water we're quite [ __ ] coincidentally he finds a statue of the Blue Fairy at an amusement park Oh after being guided there by a school of fish of course I don't know pasta pot gets busted by authorities using a magnet which doesn't suck up David for some reason and David makes his way to the blue fairy statue where he spends the rest of his days following a dream hoping it'll come true please even you could argue creating faith possibly even a religion thus making him much less human but also even more human drawing his journey to a close two thousand years later oh yeah don't act like you don't know what happened even people who haven't seen the movie know about the infamously horrible continuation of a story that everyone in the world said should not continue it would have been fine if they'd just left him in front of the Blue Fairy everyone would have said yeah it had problems but you know what it could have been worse well this is the worst they're talking about and it's not just the fact that it continues when it shouldn't it's the fact that it gives the lamest the schmaltzy is preschool friendly middle finger to anyone who may have possibly liked this movie even a little you all know what it is but just for the hell of it let's go over it aliens arrived oh wait no I'm sorry robots that are never clarified as robots unless you read the script and discover David 2,000 years later frozen in ice yeah apparently his circuits and programming survived all the time the longest lasting in human creation just don't beat him spinach and with their super not alien powers they create a world for David to live in just like his home and get this even the Blue Fairy is there you have been searching for me haven't you David now if you still somehow managed to stay in your seed after this information was made aware to you I urge you not to turn around because you probably noticed rows and rows of empty seats and threatening letters written in nosebleed blood as that was the only thing that could serve as ink at the time well mommy be coming home soon can never come home because 2,000 years have passed and she is no longer living yes our technology only extends to blue fairy science we can bring inanimate wood to life and give it a personality based on your memory but the one thing that takes up the most of your [ __ ] mind we can't materialize for some reason we're kind of dumb not aliens that way we can bring back other people from your time in the past why can't you bring back her because we can only bring back people whose bodies we dig up from the ice we need some physical sample of the person like a bone or a fingernail oh yeah because the enchanting fairy tale atmosphere is really completed with talks of DNA samples and scientific reanimation God Oh blue fairy is saying this David do you remember when you cut some of mommy's hair Oh Oh tell me Teddy doesn't have it tell me Teddy doesn't have it oh he does he does trying to sink actually but I won't question the motives behind a children's toy who doesn't have motives remember no feelings we clarify that ah now you can bring her back your wish is my command so joy of joys the Blue Fairy can bring mommy back right well listen to this horse [ __ ] those who were resurrected only lived through a single day of renewed life if we bring your mother back now it will only be for one day maybe the one day maybe it will last forever if you still managed to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you I urge you again please don't turn around because chances are you be seeing the hanging dead corpses of the film custodians the owner of the theater hell maybe even the people who made the popcorn I don't know just whoever they could find we only want for your happiness and you know what you have to do listen can you hear that go to her David oh so they already brought her back to life they were just [ __ ] with him by giving him the option I mean if he said no would they have just eaten her or something she wakes up in a Folgers commercial and they intend to spend the whole day together as if it was her last because yeah that's the gist of it David had never had a birthday party because David had never been born so they baked a cake and lit some candles no make a wish it came true if you still manage to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you I desperately urge you do not turn around and look behind you because chances are your theater is on fire I don't know if you remember the great AI theater burnings of 2001 but it cost many movie goers their lives yet the causes of the fire have still got a refund and for the first time in his life he went to that place where dreams upon and teddy well [ __ ] teddy he's not real life David he's just a bear a bear who wanted to make David's dreams come true even though he doesn't want anything technically cuz he's just a machine who cares about what David wants while not caring what David wants I says I stupid is I stupid attendant you could ever get to a movie like this I mean by God who are you even thinking were you even thinking and we all know who's to blame right we all know exactly who's to blame for this schmaltzy crap Spielberg he's so culprit we all know it it's got to be Spielberg I mean obviously Kubrick would have ended it under the water and Spielberg added that last 15 minutes there's no other explanation wait just we'll get here just look at it here yeah there you go the writers were originally working on AI who all thought it was crazy when Kubrick wanted to bring David's mother back what that ending was Kubrick's idea in fact most of the original writers thought it wouldn't work but Spielberg did his best to work with him and get across the idea he had in mind so hubris to blame for that ending these Stanley Kubrick The Shining a Clockwork Orange bands of glory he's the one that put together the incredibly sappy ending Wow maybe in the end Kubrick was trying to make that Spielberg movie he never could which ironically resulted in Spielberg making that Kubrick movie America the film is so disjointed and all over the place and clearly not one vision but at the same time bringing that vision to life even though so many people were against it just to make a close friends dream come true maybe he understood Cooper better than we thought he did maybe he understood him better than any of us maybe representing a person's work and representing a person himself are more similar than we realized who's that guy oh well that's stanley kubrick sir Qbert I know that name well you should he directed 2001 a Space Odyssey Clockwork Orange The Shining just to name a few and we looking up about him oh just how Steven Spielberg and him were friends and how he directed a movie for him after he died and how they might have actually been closer to each other than a lot of people gave him credit for hmm it sounds pretty good do you mind if we use that for the topic of this week's show sure go for it well goes to show you again some people can in fact surprise you in the end next year Bay where Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg Abram on another lock up Burton Ernie my research shows that these two are all over each other how can steal guard be all over that fat blob well it's easier to understand than have his crappy movies yeah hello 2001 I mean like if I can't understand it then that means it sucks hey Creek where you doing well you guys have opened my eyes you've shown me that nothing is sacred I mean by God if you can take stanley kubrick one of the greatest directors of all time and make a story about him like that I have no choice you can't beat them join them hey I stab suicides or at a new law well everyone in light of the critics recent breakthrough I think it's only fair that we let him go first okay we got some good stuff where's brick oh I do I do yes I have drunken outbursts sexual affairs cross-dressing some of the sauciest stuff I've ever had to report that all sounds pretty steamy critic how'd you get so much footage of people doing such rotten stuff oh it was quite easy actually yeah I just followed all of you what yeah yeah for example mr. Aaron I got some lovely snapshots of you cheating on your wife oh don't laugh too much there mrs. Adams you're the one who's having the affair with and this Louisville who can forget that enchanted evening that I recorded not 24 hours ago and our dear beloved boss take a look at what I recorded when you thought you were alone and what you thought was a closed-off yeah not so hot when the two-week-old shoe is on the other foot is it but you want to know who the biggest idiot of the ball is this guy right here yeah all because of what he thought of this I used to hate this movie I mean really despise it I thought this was the worst representation of a director simply by choosing his opposite but I realize now that Spielberg was going into a no-win situation if he did it in his own style everyone would say oh that's not like Kubrick at all if he tried to mimic his style everybody would say oh he's not talented enough to mimic Kubrick but maybe it wasn't about that maybe it was just about bringing a man's dream to life a dream that this man obsessed over for years and years and a really good friend didn't want to see go to waste and even if it didn't come out that great even if it was unfocused or cheesy he still mimicked the director enough to show that he understood him he still created some interesting conversations and ideas and you know what he [ __ ] tried he tried to the best of his abilities to properly represent a person who was very close to him which is more than I can say for anyone in this room maybe Kubrick moved out better maybe he could have done worse help it's totally possible for a great director to make a bad film but when nobody can deny that Spielberg did his best to make a friend's dream a reality and nobody [ __ ] nobody can fault him for that yeah well he's still fat well I guess it doesn't matter all the world knows your evil little secrets anyway but how do we come back from this it how do we make them forget well maybe if you ask all the people on the internet over and over to forget maybe just maybe your wish will come true please forget please forget please forget please forget it well maybe the longing for dignity is the beginning of dignities I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it please don't you forget please forget it I don't think it's working let's try something more positive you right

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 1,386,191

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, ai, artificial intelligence, ai review, artificial intelligence review, movie review, film review, tmz spoof, tmz, artificial intelligence movie, movie reviews, tmz parody

Id: 0EVOxDVSAfE

Length: 41min 4sec (2464 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 05 2016