Oh! Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! Ok, I am excited. I am so VERY excited! Today, we get to review the Alvin and the Chipmunks Movie! Oh my God, I love this film! With its hair-raising adventures, singing new songs along with old ones, and traveling the WORLD while escaping danger at every turn! It's strange, because I swear I reviewed this film before in a cross-over... but that doesn't matter! We are looking at it today in all its glory, and I AM PSYCHED! My friends and I haven't seen this movie in YEARS! ..wait, why aren't you wearing green? Jim: I'm colorblind... NC: Oh well, who cares. Let's get ready for this AWESOME Chipmunk adventure! *pop music* All 3: Awww! Scallon: The shitty CGI one. NC: Christ, is THIS what people think of when they hear "The Chipmunks Movie"? Analyst 2: Yes ALL: ahh Analyst 1: with the movie making nut loads of money at the box office, we have cemented ourselves as the only REAL chipmunks franchise Scallon: How are you able to keep making these films? Jim: Yeah, We know kids would watch anything but who's taking them to go see it? Critic: Or even creepier watching it themselves? Analyst 2: Simple, a demographic that never lets us down. The AW Girls. The "AW Girls"? Analyst 1: Women and Teens who would watch anything simply to say "AWWWWWW" Aw Girls: AWWWWWW!!!!!! Critic: Dammit, Your love of cuteness is ruining a perfectly good franchise! Aw Girl 2: But they're just so adorable... Aw Girl 1: We're not here to "analyze story". Aw Girl 3: We just want to look at cute little animals do cute little things. Aw Girl 2: Ohhhh! I just want to pinch their cheeks! Aw Girls: [cutesy cuddling noises] NC: You ladies are ruining the dignity of a GREAT adventure series! Aw Girl 2: Oh, really? Aw Girl 3: Isn't your movie about chipmunks who operate balloons for diamond smuggling? NC: It made A LOT OF SENSE in the 80's! NC: More than Eleanor not wearing green! Aw Girl 3: Hey, I'm color-blind, okay? Jim: What? Jim: Me too... [Falling In Love Music] NC: Enough of that! Aw Girl 2: Look... Aw Girl 2: Our movie makes a lot more sense, and that's final. NC: Okay, if we can prove that your movie is bullshit... NC: Will you acknowledge that ours is better? Aw Girl 1: No. NC: Oh... NC: W-wellll I... NC: Guess I'll just...review the movie then. Aw Girl 2: You do that. Jim: I kinda thought that this was going to lead to an ongoing debate. NC: Yeah, like they had comedic identities that we can work off of... NC: No... *Pop* NC: Well I... NC: ...guess I'll just call you two if I need a musical number. Scallon: Seems fair. NC: Bye. NC: Umm..... NC: Here's the review. NC: The film opens with the Chipmunks in a tree singing the song "You Had A Bad Day". NC: A perfect tune to foreshadow the next hour and a half. Hey, don't waste time developing characters... and instead, cut down their house and take it to a building in L.A. There, a songwriter named Dave, played by Jason 'I'm still gonna say 'Mallrats' was my biggest letdown' Lee... is late for an audition. He meets up with his neighbor and pro-takes in... at least one of 'The Top 5 Worst Expositions Scenes Ever'. Let me guess, you're late for something again. Same ol' Dave. Not following you. Guy who always fooling around... you can't handle a serious relationship... NC: You know, why don't you just turn to the camera and say... "Hi audience, I'm Dave. If you look under your seat, you'll see a trading card with my stats on it." "I know it's an awkward way to introduce you to who I am, but trust me, it's much less awkward than if we tried working it in the story." "We're not really good at that 'talking like humans' thing." But they sure are good at ruining David Cross' career though... Hey, back off man! This is Dave Seville. I'm still on every years 'worst movie list'. Actually, to his credit, David Cross is one of the few genuinely funny things in this movie. He plays a music producer who clearly doesn't give a shit that he's in a 'Chipmunks' movie. So he gets this delightfully passive-aggressive performance. You know what? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave is NOT here! I had a nightmare. Aww.... If they can make a doll out of this guy, I would totally buy it! We're 'THE CHIPMUNKS' for crying out loud! He's, sadly though, is not a fan of Dave's songwriting. The original inspiration came to me... Song sucks, dave. What? Your song? It's awful. I hate it. Have you tried speeding it up so it sounds like hi-pitched ear penetration? I need something new. I need something fresh.. That..that is... The next big thing. I need Christmas and hula-hoops! But Dave shows them by stealing their muffins! Hey! Yes, that scene definitely needed 'thrilling muffin stealing' music. Why don't you just play 'A Latin Choir' when The Chipmunks sneak into it? Look out! Raspberry! He then proceeds to throw out the muffins... What the fuck's wrong with you? Those look delicious. And decides to throw out all of his music equipment, too. Take that, free money. Ebay will have none of you. But don't worry, he can make all that cash back... through these product placements. This is the greatest... day of my life! We can get a lot of cute B roll footage with these! Cannonball! Awwww.... Hey, I thought you said you weren't debating. We're not. We're aweing. It's cute. Don't you have a cat video to share or something? We don't need to. We consumed so much cute, that it's literally in our bodies. Hey look! I coughed another one! Awwww.... I need to stay away from you. Dave tries to see what's going on, but apprently Alvin's fuckin blood-hungry. Betcha didn't know this was the 'R' rated version. Dave: Oh gosh, stay away from my nuts... As much as we wished that would have happen, it doesn't. But, he does fart in his face. It's funny because it came from his butt. They finally knock him out and tried to figure what to do with him. I need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano. I don't like how quickly he come up with that! Theodore, I can't go back to prison. Why did you have to kill that prostitute before Alvin? She wasn;t a prostitute, she was an escort. BIG DIFFERENCE! But Dave gets up and they introduce themselves. I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin. The awesomest one. And I'm Theodore. Oh, nice to meet you. I guess Theodore doesn't have any personality traits. He fell out of the tree at birth. Outside of buck per-verbal abuse. We talk. It's creepy. Unnatural. Somewhat evil. Hey, it's the critical praises for the front of the box. So Dave, being the remarkably unlikable character that he is... throws the cute little chipmunks out into the rain. Now where's that puppy I wanted to hit with the handle of my gun? But his heart softens when he realizes... he can make a quick buck off of them. You guys can sing too? This is amazing. The talking didn't mean shit. But now that you can sing, you're of worth. Here's the deal. You guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here. Usually in the music industry, it's the other way around. You sleep here, you get to sing my songs. I don't want to come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks on my couch. Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them. Wow, animal racist much? We need to build a wall, Dave! Oh, by the way with them being kids, you ever wonder where their parents are? Our parents were hippies. They left early to join a commune. Explained. So while thinking a song to be their outlet, the chipmunks start humming in their sleep. ♪ One...a plane...that loops-the-loop...♪ Yeah, pretty sad when animals snoring can write a better melody than you can. Listen, I think I can hear my dog vomiting... <blech> OPERA! This inspires him to write a song, but not before realizing Simon's vision might be a little off. Try these. Wow, thank God the makers of plastic Santas thought their toy was nearsighted so gave them all Simon's prescription. That was a... magical kind of dumb. We're gonna have food all winter. So, if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross, and...we're gonna have rodent... NC: That's our word, dickslice. Dave: non-talking... rodents. So they try singing the famous Christmas song and we get to hear Dave's famous scream of 'ALVIN!' This kicks the hamster's wheel's butt. ALVIN! Well, that was superbly half-assed. It's one of the famous trademarks of The Chipmunks and than there's just... no effort to it. In fact, everytime he says it, he sounds less and less angry, and more like the kid from 'Troll 2'. ALVIN! OH MY GOD!!!!!! Well, then again, what did you expect when his voice is beyond hoarse in this movie? Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic. If you fled my house, you're dead. Go away, leave me alone. He sounds like Bob Dylan, if he's been gargling cactus covered in sandpaper. My house's always a mess. Or I'll call the exterminator. Don't go, I can explain. Maybe his voice got tired from going home after every shoot and screaming into his pillow. Arrgh, I can't believe I'm in this shit. I can't believe I'm in this shit... What? Um, Mr. Cross, you're in the movie. Action. Get this, Dave tried to show off the singing vermin, but apparently, they get stage fright. Because if there's any characteristics I associate with Alvin, it's stage fright. But it's okay, because they get him fired from his job at an advertising firm. Well not because they drew Theodore's butt on his charts, but because they spell have the 'S's backwards and the other half forward. Who does that? Would you choose one or the other? You wouldn't go back and forth. I'll think I'll just clean out my office. Sounds good. I'm sure glad we paid the extra money for Jane Lynch in that role. Though, to be fair, that is a very sexy chart. GET OUT OF HERE! Things seem even worse at home. Theodore, did you just... It's a raisin, Dave. Prove it. Where's Alvin? Dave: Alvin. You owe me big time. Chipmunks eating shit. That's what I wanted to see. Isn't it you want to see? I paid good money to see Alvin and the Chipmunks eating shi... What's going on in 'the other film' right now? Oh look at that, the Chipettes are battling sharks in Bermuda and the Chipmunks are almost eaten alive by crocodiles. What do we got in this movie? Chipmunks eating shit. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. You know, maybe marketing wanted to train kids into eating crap before actually selling it to them. The funny thing is, in the trailer, it shows Alvin who eats the turd instead of Simon. That means Alvin must've been so pissed off at this scene that he refused to have it in the movie. Fuck you guys. No fuck you guys all to hell. You want me, the star of the movie, to eat shit for you? What the fuck is wrong with you? You can take this 'Two Girls, One Cup' bullcrap and shove it up your ass. You hear me? Up your ass where it belongs, not in my mouth. No, no, you already tricked me into doing it for the trailer you sick bastards. But I thought that really was 'a raisin'. You lied to me. You LIED to me! You can ask my dick if I care, because I don't. Kiss my ass in hell, you pathetic twat. Okay, Simon you're up. I don't know if I'm comfortable with this... OW! You don't get paid as much as Alvin. You want to see what I can 'really' do to you? Probably eating shit from you, sir. But Dave's neighbor calls about her date. Hi Dave, it's Clair Wilson calling. And, oh... why did I just say my last name? That was weird. Um, I guess I'm just a little nervous about coming over for dinner. I'll be there at 7 uh, kay. Bye. Wow....even for a literally a phoned-in line, that was REALLY a phoned-in line. The only thing sounding less interested than her on the phone is her in real life. Please, I'm begging you. No games, no fooling around. No acting either. I wanna stay out of the 'Squeakquels' as much as possible. My life is being sabotaged by talking chipmunks. Off-camera: Uh, Mr. Lee, that's not in the script. NC: I know, I'm just making a declaration. Feeling bad, the chipmunks convinced the producer that he drop acid as that's that he only way he agree to sign them to a record recording deal as opposed to... donate them to science. That video of your little guys? 10 million hits already on Youtube. It's blowing up bigger than that 'Jem' twat. So the chipmunks start recording albums and make Dave all sorts of money. It's a shame money can't buy love, though... at least, not a butthole like Dave's love. Make sure we understand each other. I'm not your... dad or anything. You're like a dad. Well, not really. I'm more of 'a piss on a child's heart' kind of person. The kind that the plot that should be your father, but anyone with a brain is like he's an insensitive asshole. They go and perform 'Witch Doctor' in front of a clearly paid to look interested crowd. Yeah, I can fake having fun to this... As the film continues to show, that it doesn't need a 'Witch Doctor' as much as a script doctor. I'm covering your rise to fame. I'm sorry about that night. I really, really thought that... I was insane? I didn't know you're gonna be famous. I totally would've put up with all the non-commitment stuff I talked about earlier if I knew that. And it looks like Dave is STILL okay with being a douche. You're like a family. He doesn't want a family. You know, why don't you guys out and play or raid the dessert table or something? I'm still not convinced you're not a leftover high for 'My Name is Earl' I can't love when I don't know it's really there. But, Cross is excited to get the merchandise going. It's Alvin. That looks nothing like Alvin. Well then, it's a perfect toy to represent the movie. You got to expand the 'Munks fanbase. Forget about the music. The music is... a lot of means to the BIG money. Okay, if we can put away a nickel every time a movie says being an advertising sellout is bad, while being an advertising sellout, we can feed all the people in the world... TWICE! So Cross looks at them in the eye and tells them that they all be better off with him. At least he tries looking at them in the eye. He's over there, Cross. He's over there... look down, look down, Cross. No, to your left. To your left. Was there a... shortage of sticks with tennis balls on them? Dave's holding you back. You know, I can make you twenty large a day. You guys will be so big that one day we'll go off against Star Wars! Yeah, and beat them really. Yeah. Yeah. So Cross gives them everything they always wanted, including an attractive housemaid. She's also a masseuse. (tiger growls) Okay, first of all, kid. Second of all, chipmunk. Third of all, I don't want to think a kid chipmunk getting 'A Happy Ending'. I know that's just techincally combining the first two, but it's SUCH A BIG ONE I THOUGHT THAT IT DESERVES REPEATING! Causing Dave to even more acting like duckshit. Well Uncle Ian says we're like his family. Well if you love Uncle Ian so much, and you don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you just go a live with Uncle Ian? So they go and live with Uncle Ian. I told you Dave. I never lose. Wait till you see the ways I tried to sabotage 'Chipwrecked'. Cue in that TV is B roll footage. <Aw Girls fan-screaming> Okay, in 'the other film', they'd be singing in the ruins of Rome. Not stealing whatever tune is popular at the time, but instead singing a new rockin' song. How is THIS any better? You don't understand. Cute anything in a toy monster truck equals three adorables and one precious. Wait, there's a formula to this? Uggh, stay out of this, Michael Bay! Oh, I've been targeting the wrong demographic. I should have been making kids films this whole time. You made 'Transformers'. Those are kids films. Oh, no, no, no, that was my most adult work. Deep Wang is very symbolic. But, I really want to take a crack at this Chipmunk formula. Let's see. All three of them blow up. <gasp> Oh dear, I'm not very good at this. But Dave realizes he misses the plot, and should probably admit that he was a horse's taint the whole time. Which is good because Cross' was almost gonna send The Chipmunks on an extra long tour of Europe. Oh no, that'd be awful. I dare even say... entertaining. But on top of that, it looks like their voices are giving up from being worked too hard. You three sound like you've been gargling nails. Hey, don't talk about Jason Lee that way. So he recommends that they 'pull a Milli Vanilli' lip-sync Isn't that like cheating? No, it's not like...cheating. This is more like helping. It's like buying the rights to a song, speeding it up, and then selling it to you again. Totally not cheating... But Dave tries to sneak in and call to them. Alvin. ALvin. ALVIN! I heard that faint yell not really louder than that last faint yell. Alvin, what are you doing? Wow, wardrobe malfunction! Cover those with that Janet Jackson nipples, would you? Show some shame. C'mon guys! So The Chipmunks decide to sabotage the concert. C'mon, let's put all these singers and dancers out of a job. That'll show the guy who already has a ton of money. Unemployment line is that way, poor musicians. GET THEM! But, apparently kidnapping the talent is legal now. As Cross throws them at a cage a plans to still send them on their tour. I'm sure this camera tilt down to the dolls means nothing. They'd just ruined the concert. No one will come to see them. Dave, they're chipmunks...who talk. People will come. Isn't that what the producers say every time they pitch a sequel? So they get to their vehicles and partake in a thrilling climax. Step on it, Dave. Or...they wanted to just end this as quickly as we do. Of...course I came back. We're a family. Uh, am I going crazy or he just said family. I know. You guilt trip me into saying it just like a real functioning unit. I really missed you guys. I missed you too, Dave. So did Alvin. He's just...too cool to admit it. Yeah, too macho. Yeah, because that's the personality trait that clearly got from him: Macho In fact, I just realized, from a movie called 'Alvin and The Chipmunks', Alvin has little to no personality. Which is strange because he was always the biggest personality out of all of them. He was egotistical, a schemer, delusional that he was the best, even though he has a good heart. This one was apparently... macho. As... macho as this piece of paper. Is which I'm suddenly decided to call macho. So that it automatically makes it macho. You stay out of this, macho piece of paper. You're too macho. That's so something he would say. So they drive home in Dave's poor car reflective in his humble income to his gigantic Ikea house worthy of any home furnishing magazine. Where Alvin, again, screws up. Ha, ha, oops. Not gonna say it. Please do, the credits are right around the corner. Still not gonna say it? Nope. You are holding us hostage until you do. Please say the thing YOU'RE NOT EVEN REALLY GOOD AT SAYING! I'm gonna say it. ALVIN! I'm gone before you could even finish it. So yeah, this movie's pretty bad. Is it the worst? No, the chipmunks are pretty cute and you get a laugh sometimes. But they just needed to be in a better script. This is every dumb Rock Star story for kids that they, for some reason, think kids never catch on to. And... judging by how many sequels they made, maybe they're right. But kids deserve better stories and characters and time devoted to give them something creative and exciting. This is just a bland mesh compared to what we could have got. And I'm sorry, the original Chipmunks movie is still so much better. It's exciting, weird, funny, visually interesting, has original songs in it, and it's fun travelling the world and giving kids an adventure. This is just 'Jem' with three hairy testicles. YEAH! Whatever, your movie makes no sense. And incredibly dated. Holds up better than your piece of crap. Oh yeah? What, you wanna bet that we can out chipmunk movie you? Oh no. If they find out our films are inferior, our 'Squekquels' will be demolished! To the ruins of franchises. Hey, could you give me some advice in that kids' movie formula? ~Some folks frown, or even throw up~ ~At which Chipmunks Movie that I like~ ~Ready to bash their little brains with a club~ ~Gonna whore my film tonight~ ~You're living in the past world, you dinosaurs~ ~You're more dated than a calendar~ ~Your films don't mean dick anymore now~ ~'Cause we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ Where's your sequels? ~Y'know our films are goddamn money trees~ Go wear your dresses in the 1980's! Whoaoaoa Yeah! ~Cated to your Adam Sandler watchers~ ~You're used to shut up kids folks can't stand~ ~We'd rather be corny, but imaginative~ ~Than a literal shit-eating band~ ~What we have is adventure that's creative~ ~Your CGI sucks balls~ Lots of balls! ~You can't count all the shits we give now~ ~'Cause we're the REAL Chimpunks Movie~ You're written by jackasses looking for a check! ~All you got is a bored Jason Lee~ Keep acting like kids are dummies! ~Our business deals~ ~with Happy Meals~ ~Make us the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ ~Songs we don't steal~ ~with mass appeal~ ~Make us the REAL Chipmunks Movie~ *boom* ~'Cause we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ ~NooooOOoOoO!~ ~Yeah, we're the REAL Chipmunk Movie!~ ~Do you even know how tall Chiipmunks are?!~ ~Yeah, we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ GO DO A CROSSOVER WITH THE SMURFS! ~Yeah we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ Lick my god damn ass! ~Yeah we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ FUUUUUUCK YOU! ~Yeah we're the REAL Chipmunks Movie!~ Analyst 1: Well that in no way determined anything... Analyst 2: Yes, for such a competitive song nothing was really accomplished. Didn't he do something like this before? Did somebody said about doing stuff before? How come we never talk? CHIPMUNKS MOVIE!!!!! You know what? Dave, Dave, Dave is not here. Hey guys, Doug Walker here doing the charity shout-out. And this week we're doing 'Petsmart Charities' This is a non-profit organization helping saved homeless pets. As the leading funder of animal welfare organizations across North America, they help save over 6.7 million pets and counting through adoption. As well as increased spay and neuter services reducing pet overpopulation and joined forces with over 3000 animal welfare organizations to help save as many lives a possible. Their goal is to find a lifelong loving home for every pet. Finding more than 400,000 pets every year, with millions of pets still in needs of homes, they continue to find new ways to reduce the homeless population. If you check out their website or their Youtube channel, you can see all the love and caring that you can help these people continue with. So many animals need our help that we can do our part to make sure they are kept safe. Click on the link, put the paw in, and check it out.
The end of this made me really happy.