Jonathan Winters on the Tonight Show - 1988

would you welcome Jonathan Twitter [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I have something here on the out get to it yes it's in one of it right or left pocket always little surprises everybody out of the pool let the young people stay would you think swimming as a youngster I I had no oil turned it got the tough guys on the farm used to drag me through the creek pool boy I was very it was really bad taste and I you know from mile after mile and you boys so on the third day of course I I learned learn to swim a lot of frogs you know and kelp and stuff but not kelp with you guys are creeks but CalPERS seaweed I'd rather quick on that that's another time they throwed with me but I can do something tonight that you don't know how I know you got your hair cut yesterday didn't you how'd you know that Eleanor cut it didn't she it's frightening yeah as she did I gave her is that true well it certainly is how do you go to Eleanor to though why not you probably want to know how I know that is a small town out here you had your hair cut yesterday and Eleanor cut it and it was in Toluca Lake yeah it's not in the lake I mean in the barber shop owners a very sweet lady and she brother goes there he's her brother brother today and dick told me Johnny was in there getting his hair testing yeah it all gets out well when you're gonna do a network show and it was getting a little I I don't have a lot as you can see gang I imagine there are a lot of people out there with thick hair going like he has a semblance of here but it's not a rug yet come on gang you know Niraj you're not gonna lose your here I don't think so no you're not gonna lose your know you know when you make your kind of money you don't lose your hair [Applause] and Senate that's right you're the star stars can't afford to lose their yeah I know you mentioned going swimming as a kid yeah McCready didn't know that you were an animal fancy or somebody so I thought I know you pretty well somebody says you have pets you have chickens mm-hmm oh yeah well you don't live on a ranch how do you feel fine I have a two acre ranch I didn't know that and that's not a big ranch two acres it is to me Johnny I suppose if you don't have money that's not when we think of the homeless I mean they're just lying down you know someplace them in the street we we have two acres lie down in which is important but I do have I do have chickens but you keep them for the eggs or oh yeah I came for the eggs I I don't it's this kind of strange thing I like the chickens it's something to visit you know my wife and I have been married for 40 incredible years and I I'm extremely happy I'm completely programmed taken 40 years you know to finally yes yes so after I've left her in you know in the kitchen sure and then I go out to the other acre and there the chickens are there and of course they had a this is in Montecito just south of Santa Barbara four people are going through there map only chicken I've got now summer passed on why oh yeah they go to chicken heaven like anybody else there or the other area become red chicken who when they pass away do you do then eat them no barium poisoning I don't like to eat a dead chicken not that I like you know live chicken or something else but I listen you can have fun with Diet Pepsi you know yeah eat that rascal of what I've had to do because of the neighborhood which is a good neighborhood we're not the wealthiest people in down but some of the neighbors complained about roosters now I have one is usually ample but farm now age I have you know it's left over usually the rooster services as many as 25 or 30 hands it can oh yeah a lot of roosters do just what you do go [Music] Tuesday Italy surprise sighs rooster can and do a good job in on a day or two and how many gigs would you all do you harvest eggs or you just pick them up I just pick them a big one not while they're on them because then you get oh oh but what we had to do because a lot of the neighbors were complaining we took little rubber bands and so at 4:30 rather than doesn't that make him angry I really don't talk to him you know I've had other problems but when I start talking to chickens nice hands are on their beaks you know I'm gonna be a big problem what other livestock now another thing we've done another thing with well we had we don't have a lot of livestock we have a stuffed pony kids are a little old now to ride the pony but I like to reminisce stuff corny a lot of people are shot at it and it's it's just full of holes but it's out there you know and then we have some cats that we've scotch-taped on the tree who do you think now you've seen the little cats I guess they're catching some Tigers tiger cats little little kitties yeah in the car you know you were their little plastic things on the ones I guess yeah we've taken our cats and Scotch taped them to the trees so the birds have a ball they can come right down guys [Applause] it's kind of really like a working farm how about a foul bird foul bird well we have birds we have a lot of wildlife it just flies over yeah I don't have any wild geese and I don't shoot I don't know no I don't hunt however you know if they do come down to feed I know but just get him to sleep for a while you know no no III don't share I shoot and we had we've had coyotes come down and visit us you can usually tell they bite you quickly I mean if they come on over Bob come on sport come on Carl King then you know this is not a domestic animal that's right and you see all 56 teeth you know but we've got to which two got a couple of cats got a canary doesn't sing it's a bummer too cuz he was $45 it's just why don't you take him back at me you could get your money back did a guy guarantee me I was gonna take him back John I reached in and enlarged him well there was a telephone call I couldn't get the telephone call and so he grew his I just what I like is but he does not say well we didn't sing now as long as he's yeah I think he was gonna sing you know if I hadn't squeezed him so much he'd his son your son my god you squeeze anybody that hardened they'll either sing or they won't jump you know he probably comes it probably comes from the Midwest you were born on yeah I was grew up in Ohio that's right you're born in Nebraska yeah same thing shucking corn oh yeah you shuck corn you did out there milking the cows we used to steal corn at night I'm not proud of that yeah it was tough during the day they catch you we uh we used to get corn on the cob which is about this time now it's get a little dry out there I guess all turned of the middle assault over you know I went I fished three times well it'll be my third time I I started out fishing in in Canada a place called separation Lake not a good name for am right guy but from about 300 miles north of Bemidji yeah which is the beginning of the Mississippi River you guys in Bemidji are probably sitting up saying he mentioned us ah you stiffed me on Wonder Bread any rate no we went about 300 300 miles north just it was 97 degrees in Canada I'm fishing for walleye finally we had to use dynamite again I'm kidding I'm kidding wait wouldn't ream of that I'd bring some of the service real quick and also divers a vise down there looking for a bad car come right up [Applause] okay we'll be back the story of Huckleberry Finn in just a moment who are sitting me reminiscing you do that don't you you get really certain age though Johnny yeah I'm coming up on let's say I had it on me 63 and yeah in November now you're we're both the same age we're both the same age yeah just a couple of elderly kids when you were in high school were you popular well I thought so of course I they all have fantasies early I I was not what you see I was much thinner and I thought I was a lot brighter and when you're thin you are a lot brighter fat crowds the brain and but no I was thin I had a 32 waist I've been working in all kinds of factories in order to get into shape to get into the Marines and I chosen that I'd seen that post office sign we need you and I believe that you see an elderly man Uncle Sam IRA gone for anybody you know cuz I was failing geometry Uncle Sam needs you right well and you went I went in about an hour and I wore had nothing to do with that I was not getting along with dad and I was failing geometry so I had to go I I felt the country was hey I I thought someplace along the line you know I could stack overcoats or something like that or maybe by luck you know I go through old films they asked me to be in special I understood them say special services for special forces and we left in the middle of the night and I said to this officer which is funny he's probably listening or he's gone he I said where are we going lieutenant I was always asking a lieutenant you know first personally done it especially because it was so Bert showed up at night and I'd say where were you going and typical none of your business you don't know anything and of course it was the beginning of a gigantic inferiority complex which carried me through the war you don't know anything I'd say that's right so I played crazy and today I'm a crazy person but I'm happy now when you were young in school hmm you remember your first girl oh right yes oh boy hmm why my clothes fly off out of the car in deference to my wife now boys be break themselves listeners before I was single only a few days [Music] fatty bottle yeah bowd le they made fun you know paddy bottle until she matured nobody made fun of paddy anymore mmm overnight she matured and dated more guys than I bargained for I want to get some words of 20 guys you know that somewhere along the line she's playing with you you know literally started I don't care about you that much I never went steady because my mother said do not go steady and of course my chores cut me out of a lot of sports the only think about sex with that right oh I thought so I wasn't just a kid looking at cows and horses McDonough I was looking to people and we didn't have such sex education in schools you know it was frowned on at that time and in the thirties the people had no time for sex period a lot of people in the 30s were just shoveling you know and doing this and and just getting highways developed and if you saw a pretty girl in a car guy went and of course they had to hit him with a show at three cents a day you know what the hell at any rate no I there were several girls that I was very fun yeah and very excited I mean I was I was a child and so I a lot of the stuffed animals were taken by bullies and I hear you when you had your first well first sexual night well that's that's a that's a very tough subject yeah I know what is not yeah well I I tell you because I was an only child I really don't know certainly was long again tonight look at him so schedule my apologies to Brooke please invite her back soon we just got carried away here and it I could take her out for a hamburger and I don't have a lot of money but you're good company I can take her within another five miles thanks for coming in tonight ABC moon over Parador opens I guess in the fall September and 9th September the 9th oh you folks if you don't have anything else to do do it anyway not just a favor to me but my fellow actors we all need the money I want you to go thank you have a nice weekend [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Eric Grissom

Views: 826,517

Keywords:

Id: YX07XXKvGTI

Length: 14min 29sec (869 seconds)

Published: Sun May 05 2019