The Difference Between Hunting And Huntin. Dry Bar Comedy

i'm not from new york city i'm from a small town in western new york state i call it new york country out where i'm from there's two kinds of guys guys who go hunting and guys who go hunting now do you know the difference between hunt ping and hunting hunting is for the good of the animals you got to kill some deer in the fall to have enough food for the others to eat in the winter that's hunting hunting that's a little different hunting involves liquor and flashlights european on tulane county road and you see a sign with a bunch of bullet holes that's hunting right there stop this truck i'm gonna shoot something no you yield we ended up buying a piece of land in georgia and uh is in the middle of the woods and they tore down some woods and they built us a house right in the middle of the woods and we have deer i know this is going to be amazing i'm going to hunt these deer in my own yard i have a daughter who's 14. she goes no those are my deer [Music] she feeds them corn she named them [Music] after her grandmother and that was the end of hunting deer in my own yard i joined a hunt club it's an hour south of where i live i gotta get up at four o'clock in the morning i drive all the way down there i climb that tree in the dark i sit there for four hours i don't see a thing i drive all the way home they're standing in the driveway what's up where you been [Laughter] we're on base go tell that little girl we're out of corn [Laughter] i was home a couple weeks ago my wife and i were in the kitchen she has expectations of me because i'm the man of the house she saw a mouse she looks at me she goes kill it [Applause] i go i can't reach that thing from on top of this chair she goes do you hunt deer i go get the raffle i blow his head off i ain't getting off this chair [Laughter] my brother goes hunting all the time he's always going to brag about the animals that he's killed he's going to tell you how far away it was and what caliber gun he used because yeah i got that moose from 400 yards with seven millimeter i go yeah i got that mouse from eight feet with 30 odd sets i was at the mall back home a while ago and i saw the store i got to tell you about this it's called build-a-bear you guys ever heard of this basically the concept is simple i just explained the kids build the bear they make it they make it they learn valuable lessons like how to cut out the middleman i don't know but kids love this store so this actually gave me an idea for a company uh this isn't a joke i just want to do my pitch and see if maybe you're interested i'm going to use this opportunity okay i'm going to get a store in the mall and i'm going to call it you ready you ready sir sir come on jump on this steamrolling train what am i saying uh i'm going to call it catch and dress a squirrel hold on here my pitch in this squirrel i got like in this store i got like 30 or 40 wild squirrels just running around what you do you bring your kid you pay a small fee and i give you like a bucket and a stick and you go get one get them in the bucket you can have fun throw the bucket i'm not looking bond with your kid that's phase one get them in the bucket fair warning though they hate buckets phase one phase two is it bring them up to me at the counter and listen to this i got a bunch of outfits little squirrel outfits i got like astronaut squirrel baseball playing squirrel french made score for the fellas i don't know i got it all now here's the part where i lose investors squirrels they just don't like like put on a jean jacket right so i gotta find a way to calm them down and relax them don't worry the kids don't see this i take them in back and you know i punch it in the face i knock it out and then they're much easier to get dressed i'm gonna bring him up to him like here you go here's here's elvis presley squirrel [Music] nailed it but for legal reasons i do have to issue the fallen warning eventually this hunk of burning love he will wake up and if you thought he was mad before when he was in the bucket you wait till he wakes up and he's got sideburns glued to his face it's gonna be big my stepdad married my mom in a camouflaged tuxedo she wore bright orange that's a hunting joke thanks for not getting it 21 you didn't get to hunt joke meet me and the eight people who did out front after the show we're going snipe hunting you ever been sniping landing oh you're going to put my underwear on your head it's a bird fish runs caught surf to the ground that boy has no idea what y'all are laughing at i just want you to know you bring a stick a flashlight a bag and a number two pencil my favorite story about my father my favorite story to tell um not you the real one is uh we were we were hunting i was 12 years old it's a long time i've been hunting any hunters any hunters any hunters oh yeah oh yeah my dad's big hunter like lives in huntsville alabama you know what i'm saying like he's serious we can't take him to the zoo right that's how big he is i'm gonna shoot that black and white horse that's a zebra you cannot have that [Music] first time i went hunting was last time i was 12 years old we didn't shoot any deer right but my dad got hit by a bolt of lightning [Music] it is the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life funniest if you have never seen someone get hit by a bolt of lightning i challenge you to fill your friends pockets with quarters and just leave them in a field and watch the magic happen it was insane how i was just minding my own business tracking this deer and then boom shot him back he hit a tree fell face down some leaves right and i was like are you okay oh i'm gonna be there as soon as my ears stop freaking ringing man [Music] i would have made it to him first too i would have made it except the deer we were tracking turns around walks over to my dad and goes how's that feel jerk it's not fun when god goes hunting is it no i think that's what he said i i my ears weren't working very well my ears weren't working so i wasn't me i was not talking about that um oh because i don't want to offend anybody but is it okay to talk about hunting like is it okay yeah okay i figured you guys have great hunting up here and i'm a big hunter i got a 10 point buck this year uh yeah and it did not mess my truck up like i thought it was going to that was some good eating once i scraped it off but anyway but my dad now we grew up very poor like really poor you know like we had to eat cereal with a fork to save on milk and [Laughter] everybody get it that's gonna get it okay no child left behind okay so but my dad and i were reminiscing because i told him about the buck i got and my dad and i were because we grew up very poor so we had to hunt and we would go duck hunting and i'm sorry if that offends anybody in this theater tonight but that is a beautiful father-son moment duck hunting in the morning the sun would be coming up my dad and i be hiding under the slide by the swing set i'd be tearing off the bread the ducks had come waddling out quack quack oh you know right you know i'm kidding okay they didn't waddle like that [Laughter] [Music] anyway i shared all this with the texas national vegan society they got so angry i wasn't even thinking it through they got mad they threw organic tomatoes at me and yeah but they were vegan so they weren't strong enough to hit the stage so i have a theory why men like to hunt and fish though i think men hunt and fish because if guys are going to spend a lot of time together just two of you in some remote place just the two of you alone something eventually has to end up dead otherwise it starts to feel too much like a date it does most men cannot go up to their friend hey do you want to get up really early tomorrow and go roll boat around the lake for a couple hours we'll sit close and whisper no what but you throw in i'll bring my gun in case we see a duck oh okay yeah okay let's go for the weekend just us [Music] i mean yeah yeah yeah men are uncomfortable but you you guys fishing you just towed you didn't have to get have good bait just tow a string with a hook on it just we could do this for hours we're going to catch a big one pull the string out are we done no i just thought we'd kind of paddle about for a bit put the string in it feels better i feel more comfortable with the straight we've been dating like about 10 months we fell in love we got engaged about a year and it's time to meet the whole family and she can meet my family pretty much in a booth at denny's pretty much where we it happened but we have to fly back to tennessee there's a lot of people they'd have their own families so we're flying back and i said hey um what are we going to do we're only here for three days how are we going to meet it how many houses is that a day that's going to be in a little awkward just taking hands and then going and she oh no on saturday i invited everybody hunting i said oh that's not awkward god never been hunting and she goes oh that's okay it's the south everybody's gonna bring a guest gun okay and so we all show um we're showing up i mean 38 of her family members we're all shot everybody is wearing orange because the pair and i have a gun and and i'm holding it you know up the business end is not pointing at anybody you know because the big goal of the day not shoot anybody that's wearing orange that's my goal anyway and we're in a big meadow and we're going to walk through the meadow into the woods and we're going to shoot stuff that's not wearing orange they didn't get the memo and all of a sudden as we're about to start a bunny runs i'm not going to call him a bunny that's too cute for the story a rabbit makes the really bad choice of running across a meadow that is filled with 39 people with guns of which 38 know how to use them and my wife sees it first and steps up and yells mine and i'm like oh 100 yards away kills that rabbit dead one shot yeah right i'm telling you and if you're going to kill some killing it dead that's the way to do it and i am like we had been dating a year you would think being an expert with a rifle might have come up like when i was bragging about being pretty good at ping pong she might have just slipped in i can shoot a rabbit from a hundred yards with one shot then i find out so i'm super impressed and she's what she goes uh you know the family rule and she walks out now i got to address it and i'm like oh and i'm sticking with her because i don't know how the teams are gonna divide but i wanna be on her team anything goes wrong i'm with her and i'm like oh hey i don't know anything about this and let me just say dressing a rabbit not like dressing a barbie so she just whips out this big old knife out of nowhere i'm a little terrified you know and she starts skinning the rabbit and i'm like and she looked up and said oh honey i'm sorry did you want to keep the feet they're supposed to be good luck they weren't for the rabbit and he has four of them that superstition is as dead as the rabbit to me so i found out in a five minute period of time that my wife not only is an expert with a rifle but that she knows how to skin a rabbit i did a hunting and fishing expo in fort smith arkansas last month and i don't recommend it i walk out with 500 people in the dark head to toe camouflage all of them camouflage i didn't know what to do i was like almost didn't see you there nothing i got nothing from these people and it wasn't a cool stage either like this with a cool curtain stuff it was like uh sheet metal screwed to the wall and then deer and elkheads screwed to the sheet metal just staring at me the whole they had a stuffed turkey a wild turkey at the mic stand just i'm not supposed to acknowledge this turkey just tell my jokes like it's not there i felt like that turkey story needed to be told so i wrote a song for those guys that night i thought i'd play for y'all here this is my turkey song and i hope you enjoy it but i'm really not counting on it he's got a gun the next song i want to do there's another verse but we don't have time um speaking of animals back on that again any hunters here tonight where my hunters at animal murderer right up front anybody else see i'm a big guy from the south people think i hunt i cannot shoot an animal i don't know how you can but you'll love this i said those exact same words on a ship with 2 000 people in the audience i know you shoot an animal back of the balcony this whole guy yells out pull the trigger [Music] but sir i am not going to give you a hard time for hunting you know why it's legal i believe in the law you have a right to hunt go hunt if i got a problem with it it's my right to shut up mind my own business and stay home fair enough we all still friends especially because you got guns i don't want to make you ass we'll ask everybody here one small favor tonight though could you please stop calling hunting a sport it's not a sport it's hunting i'm sorry but i don't think you can call anything a sport until both teams know there's a game going on that day thank you close to schedule something can't hunt last year i got a one point buck would have been eight point but his head hit the bumper rail square kind of crinkled up my trophy now i got a deer over the fireplace looks like he's gonna the sneeze hunter you hunter yeah yeah yeah you're a big guy got the camouflage got the beard you wouldn't even need a gun you'd be like get in the truck

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 230,073

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Hunting, Hunting Dry Bar Comedy, Hunting Comedy, Hunting Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2022, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Huntin, Hunting Stories, Funny Hunting Stories, Going Hunting, How To Hunt, DBC, Funny, Comedy, Hunting Jokes

Id: KssFgGDM-2w

Length: 18min 53sec (1133 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 13 2022