Is That Chris Ramsey? Live At Newcastle Arena

ladies and gentlemen of Newcastle Arena welcome to the stage [Applause] you capsule allow oh man I have from this kid I've done this menu once before I've genuinely played this money once before it was half half thingy the stage was sort of up there it was all standing it was a university fresh as night and it was there was 2,000 students all standin pissed been drinking all day I had to go on and they booed for probably 10 minutes non-stop then when they didn't realize the Bouin was gonna get rid of us cuz I had to me time I wouldn't get paid right they then resorted to throwing things aren't as out of there fresh as pack that they're getting I don't know if you've ever been [ __ ] rings off stage before but that's not physically I mean the bounced off it was quite funny but they hit your soul with some [ __ ] velocity no I'm saying the saddest part was were collect with all them up and took them home I am the baby white use them great good night but like ten on at once get back earth and your mom's in and Oh knocks your confidence I'll be honest when you're getting [ __ ] pinged off stage does not your confidence it really does confidence is great that I'm properly I'm really sort of attract miss not I'm fastening it by properly confident people like obviously this you know I'm feeling confidence now for this gig so you can't hear me arse eating me jeans right I'd love to be this confident all the time I'd love to be like actor like this in public right but I can't the most confident guy I know was confident blog I know bloke called Steve right Steve is my father-in-law was me it now had a couple of pints with Steve in the pub fountain in South Shields massive right didn't think much nice and off bloke didn't blows away is what I'm saying right but I walked into my local Asda and saw Steve do the most confident thing in the world I walked in water the escalator you stand in as that down so shields Townsend I understand the customer services desk right standard livid like giving off a horrible vibe lat Saussure no looks a bit bins pop and always had you know angry yeah I know of our an autist Steve had a frozen pizza under his arm no I'm I'm never I've never seen someone livid while holding the pizza right cuz if when I'm on the pizza I'm buzzing because I'm thinking about pizza right right human gets to be clueless I went hello Steve your I met you didn't even answer you didn't say hello it just answered the question well you alright mate he went no I'm not all right [ __ ] not all right now Chris no these not taking the piss I take the piss on me and you over everyone it's got to stop [ __ ] hell yeah it's not a rally calm down all right don't Steve what happened me it what's wrong just as I said that the lady behind the desk said next please you took a step forward obviously I stared I'm not gonna leave that nugget of mystery and just go about my day I set myself up on the counter I watched the whole thing unfold for you people Steve walks forward right slams the pizza down on the counter spins it round and say I love you can't help is here what's that say on there what does that say on that box here telling margarita pizza aye aye out of nowhere steve produced a [ __ ] tape measure Oh times so download [Applause] nine and a half at best what the [ __ ] how confident do you have to be in who you are as a person in yourself to not care how much of a [ __ ] lunatic that makes you look he didn't know why I was laughing and I wasn't I'm like the so much laughter trying to get up he fierce it's bottlenecking at me mouth and I'm just legs going I'm hold on the Corrigan not even just just [ __ ] edge and it's right he is right they have stolen a quarter inch circumferential strip from him write a word that will hear it's like nearly seven inches squared of Nick from him like a little doughy necklace like knit that [ __ ] in the board what they're gonna do next to the top and the steel the top and it's not even pizza anymore is it it's round [ __ ] toast round [ __ ] toss it in the board mix what gods think I'm have every pizza and I'm sure you all see him every pizza I've ever bought has been advertised on its inch diameter and I've never checked could be old miles of pizza miles Ashley Levi they have never done it via value have a way to quarter pounder never done it never done it who truly counts there hundreds and thousands never do it he's Alette honestly I stood there Gordon secured are gonna kick him out this is gonna be glorious I'm gonna film it put on YouTube make a fortune this can be great no no no he was given by that lady a fallen Frank apology yeah for like a proper family member dead apology like a high-level bereavement I'm so sorry this had to happen Tuesday couldn't I thought you stay in the piece five five one pound off vouchers to use on these next five shops not a five pound voucher five one public when she gave them was like the shittest hip-hop video ever this is the best bit I swear to God I stood there as that man received not one but two complimentary completely free 10-inch margarita pizzas which he measured in front of her I'd love to be him for a deal Jerry just fought around [ __ ] stuff oh I love that as de nuez de I like the other one too Morrison's now but the big one like it called the escalators get into a store on stilts for the carpark underneath you know seeing them [ __ ] you [ __ ] the gig you mentioned Oscar you work it out there yeah sorry Chris two seconds I'm just fooling me supervisor Darrin you'll not believe it as they're on stilts foot and told you unbelievable it's what I was wondering right right the customer returns and as disappears because they will [ __ ] take anything back honestly after George's return policies a hundred days hundred days you can walk in and return a pair of kegs and it really ticked them off and give them them and it'll get your money back hundred is madness I was telling me I was going out with out has done once I was going down the escalator right and I turned round and I regret turning round I turned round over a little escalator a mountain over the crest I saw a man standing in a queue holding a product in his hand he wasn't angry he was just just non-plus just got about something right product knees hand no bags around him meaning he went home then came back with just this product yeah it's a middle of the way it's a middle of nowhere house there to drive to and park there Asda all right but he came all the way back holding in his hand this sad looking man had a cauliflower how [ __ ] up is our cauliflower have to be to warrant a trip back I could go home ago this is absolutely unacceptable like what like already got one wrong sighs unwanted birthday gift I've thought about it every day since I saw it three years ago and the best one I can come up with the best things I hate mystery I hate not knowing in a perfect world I'd around back about ask you down when look you don't know me but what the [ __ ] going on here I'm very nosy but I'm not that guy I wish I could be that guy huh but the best one I could come up with for about three years best one I can come up with he's down at the front the deity behind the counter says yes sir what seems to be the problem he says well the wife wanted flowers apparently this is taking the piss that's the best the best I can do guys I'm sorry [Applause] that's all that story I told a story in Barnard Castle when I was running this routine out and like a 200-seat so this is [ __ ] nuts by the way I told that story and literally a block on the side and the left of the stage I just heard him go you did that I thought it was a [ __ ] who's accusing me until I heard a lady next room quickly gosh I was like right okay sorry what's going on here hey they just start having a proper argument he was going you did I drove you back now I stay you ditch when I did it that's when he's looking shut up about me the man's looking stop it all right look sorry can you stop having a domestic Emmy gig I would love he seems to think you did did you or did you not tear cauliflower burger Asda she went no I did not it was a broccoli it just doesn't know his badge on people [ __ ] brilliant man listen if I if I could be Steve for one day if I could be in Steve's body for one day and go around I would walk into my Asda specifically that Asda it doesn't have to be that when it can be anyone but that one's I think the norm me and they're a bit freaked out by him right so I get away one more I'd march in right I'll go away everyone shut them doors fruit and veg I'll everyone hostage situation no one [ __ ] leaves no one leaves this building yeah until we've sorted this out hey you lot have got far too many names for oranges yeah start to do meat it's inmate I'm sick of looking like a fool of me your house how's that the house recently my wife rosie was feeding our son Robin small orange colored segments of a citrus fruit right don't know which one it was hmm he's hiding them in his face bom-bom-bom join Chris he's loving this he's loving it look how fast he's in it Chris quite quick get us another Clementine off the windowsill get panic I start panicking like I'm terrified I call numb the best way out describe it you know when you're at school and you're took turns to read a paragraph and you spot your paragraph and there was a [ __ ] and massive word mouth cause all Drive covering it with your thumb to try and work out the [ __ ] mental Darius's ISM so I saw a call of a window survey the window sill is adorned with various sized orange colored citrus fruits still in the Nets that I catch them in I've never seen them in a while I don't know how it works yellow tent will sell terrible conditions now that's right okay okay I'm freaking out I might right okay at my command tank [ __ ] Clementine pump deader she goes we doing to Satsuma you want to Clementine Clementine Samantha over there next the next the tangerines under the mandarins behind the navels what the [ __ ] is going on in this house all of that on one shelf it was so simple man it was so simple orange named after its color life is never that simple let's make it that simple again none of this tangerine Satsuma [ __ ] right I'll fix it for you now ya little orange medium orange big orange big orange braggarts bust at the peel yeah you want that big [ __ ] you till the afternoon off work at least pause Netflix is gonna you're gonna miss something you're gonna miss something seriously good I think we'll war one further I think we can near as many fruits as possible orally by the derivative of what kind of orange they are right I'm gonna eat something front row here coz of fruit banana long yellow orange too easy this fruit pineapple danger orange are you on the front row grape yes great little white orange you said pay pay an hour peasant response it goes down well it was all sexy orange have you never looked nepai in 40 hours of aura wa you would [ __ ] get it no sorry no that's just me mandarin orange you prick well you're not listening a specific kind of orange aforementioned in the routine previously done tomato 1 oz orange Switzerland orange yep that's horrible Kiwi little hairy orange hey never before had the Northeast been so excited about fruit come on máximo Park raspberry they'll bring orange pomegranates cluster orange target fruit gameofthrones orange that's the longest that's ever gone on please stop cuz I'm gonna run out some [ __ ] I said lie cheesier than I how to google it no we're doing we're doing that bit we're done how's the gig I preferred the fruit raffle the fruit raffle was good talking about his fears and that was rubbish my wife's confident confidence is it's it's a very attractive thing confidence credible it can go to farming Rosie's confident but Rosie was always confident but now she's got a level of mam confidence that moms get once another human has left your body you're just like it's just like mam arrogance I love it Lucy's about Rosie to the point of where like if something's bugging me she'd just just realz over it she just doesn't give a [ __ ] all right we were we were in a restaurant once and was sitting eating a meal the core of the restaurant I heard a guy ask for the bill and I just sort of glanced over and I looked and I thought [ __ ] hell I was 99% sure that this guy was from a TV sure that I loved I mean he'd been a guest on a show we've been on it once it's a documentary show on channel 4 he wasn't a celebrity or anything it was a channel for show I hope you've seen it it's called the Unbeatables [ __ ] amazing show so great surely win it like if you want a route for someone on telly you even watch your ex fight you watch a Britain's Got Talent off but if you want to properly get behind a real [ __ ] absolute underdog undateable is a way of gore it's [ __ ] fantastic it's amazing isn't it it's an amazing Shore it's a heartwarming if you've never seen it it's people with different various different problems and the the the fine the thing that can't find love in a thing will never find love so DNA just gets involved and put together and you're just like it's like a [ __ ] it's like watching sport that's like watching more than watching football I'm so passionate this one guy right I was nine ever since she was him and I've got butterflies when I saw him cuz I've got proper behind his story he'd went on a date with a girl right and what happened was they did the bit at the end where the did the camera to his face like an interview and he was like I think he was like you know what I don't normally do it I wouldn't really well like oh god I like her I hope we can see each other again and it could at the same interview of her and she was like we won't see each other again that's what you said but nada she was like I don't think we'll see each other again and I'll literally like in me [ __ ] house like stood up I was like [ __ ] like screaming at the Talley like trying to find her on Twitter so I a troller like I took it so personally it's the best I love it man and I was so excited that was this guy and I didn't know you know I didn't know if he'd been recognized before and I just look I just want to maybe buy him a drink I wanted to ask if he found love yet right I wanted to you know maybe get a selfie with him if he was okay with that but I wasn't sure it was him and I couldn't work it out and I'm googling out before and I'm freaking out I bought know I've been what like mystery cauliflower I [ __ ] him to one-eyed mystery oh my god is that him isn't him I'm not sure and I'm googling I'm going to Rosie balls you I'm freaking out look gogo on your phone as well economy's name I can't think of the series is in [ __ ] she went Chris will you just calm down you're sweating look at a steer you put your form down and up like a human being for once in your life will you just go and ask the guy I love that show I love that show probably more than everyone in here combines for me favorite yours but let's be honest no matter what my intentions Newcastle there is no coming back from the open and social gambit excuse me miss are you on the undateable if that's not him I'm getting glassed that's like having a one-night stand and we can up in the morning and going we met I reckon an applet I've recognized I do embarrassing bodies it was wasn't it it was it does doesn't it it does it gives off it oh it is yeah it's got a little hand kind of chic it's a little hand I'm sorry sorry that's awful I'm sauce I was in we were in the house recently I never found out it was the guy a lot of people two years after the show and say wasn't him I don't know I found out I haven't seen that series repeated stood me head in don't be [ __ ] head in and she I had no sympathy photos nor sent with it all so I found a way to get about recently we were in the house watching TV show now I've got a little rule in the house when we're watching something good on telly I've gotten all forms while watching the telly rule right which I stick to all the time she barely sticks to but Charlie look I'm some aims cuz you do you start watching something on telly and you're right out really buzzin like you're not mean Netflix five stars and you've gone bump and just as a it just gets to a good bit whatever's happening just but on the phone watching them critic focus on Facebook DM Ian tell you what happened don't DM them put it there I'm invested now but the gory details on the thread you [ __ ] wish my Thursday night miss a broadchurch for this so we try and look sometimes I just like to put the phone on side and put it over in the kitchen facedown on silent and sit in the living room art and have a nice old-fashioned romantic night with my wives sitting on the sofa watching the telly in silence no whistling from the 90s we started watching the show right you start watching the show how did well it ready to go here's what the third series up there to see this but we had series 1 & 2 ready to go from the start on Netflix of 5 stars just ready to go you know when you're just gonna power [ __ ] it in one week it's gonna fall for it yeah like you're skipping the in girl skip intro yes even the big website previously on know know it know it know it know it do it huh and right in the end right at the end it's gone your next episode starts in 17 seconds Nord starts now like freaking out the baby's crying turn that motor off put it outside do we yeah we start watching the shore I'm ready we've got snacks in it's going for it right she said that thing at the beginning as soon as it starts she said that thing that can ruin any TV show or any film or anything for anyone within earshot of the sentence tree said me an actress lead actress popped up on the screen Rosie went watch Shay off ruined cuz then begins the silent race to guess what she was off first doesn't it cuz we got a no phone rule so if you think you're cooler in that [ __ ] got nothing coming mate you will sit for the whole episode 9 you might get it you might get it half an hour in half now really Michael [ __ ] casually yes casually get in now come we rewind this and watch it again cuz I have no clue what is happening but listen to this right imagine imagine the relief our felt when she went what she off and I'd never I got a little girl and then I looked at her and I I've got no idea what this lady's off I've never seen this actress in a TV show or a film before in my life so I've got unbelievable diplomatic immunity hey I'm just sitting there going I don't tell her I just go hmm okay keep this to yourself this could be good Nicole mmm I play really cool Illinois I know at the end when a name pops up on the credits you might remember that it'll be fine it's only 45 minutes we'll check your phone let's enjoy the show just freaking out just Zen all right and she's next was just she stood up after about three minutes I just stood up she paused it I went don't Punk it you fool don't get your phone no no don't cheat which what I'm not and she stood in front of me in between me and the TV and she presented her case like a courtroom drama she started a basic PowerPoint presentation of why I should know who this actress or it was pretty impressive right beans popping our had just gone fridge was like Chris we are not watching this we are not pressing play again until you agree that you have seen her in a show before with me you piece of right she's like period of my art as I write look look at her face Chris you've seen over for sure we watched Chris she was a detective she was a police detective in the sure that we watched yeah she was a police detective right and in the shore her boss who boss was in organized crime and no one knew he was undercover in the police organized crime any frame there for a murder Chris if remember for a murder yeah and they believe that they believe that Chris Bosh a lost her job lost her job went to trial she lost her job said she had no money and you know in a tiny little house a tiny little flat this at the important bit Chris this is the important bit cats I was freaking out I thought she's gonna burst in a song I was like why is saying Catherine because there was about six or seven cats in the flat with her it was weird the never mentioned it they were just there and I told you dinner Chris I told you that I had a friend in Bristol I went out of those water cats and had a cup of coffee and there was a party in the country member adawn but never invited anything we have in our house like a lunatic believed guilty but didn't believe I'm sorry to believe the bosses you come get me it's runny Jill and then in the jail the guards the guards were on the payroll the boss or the organized crime boss me and they were abusing her in the jail but then one guy I believe I won't I believe that you've got out she got out of the jail once you've got our the thing that got set this question and then there's a big chase scene and the found out they all came out but the guy was there and I must've seen in the killed him who do you remember no but thank you for that sounds [ __ ] great we just watched this show please five stars Netflix should be good I'm buzzed and she's freaking out just sweating just I'll have a glass of water all right I've got excellent they'll go she'll be good this five stars Netflix it's gonna be awesome oh she's a detective in this as well supposed to be good typecast the people play the same role all the time yeah or who's that boss I don't like look at him or do I look at him at all no no she didn't commit that murder again how'd you get seat stuff Wow ash lost a job at the believe in [ __ ] pool all us who are last who are laughs oh god you're gonna go a trial [ __ ] now oh look at that flat it's tiny Jesus there wasn't a swinger look at all of them is this is this assure that you saw him that you've just rapidly explained the entire series narrative of yes when did you realize about five minutes in why didn't you just tell us what she said didn't want to ruin it for you coulda killed her I could have filed for divorce right there rules don't work rules do not work rules do not work in a marriage doesn't work right just play as it goes we had a rule the last rule before that I remember God quiet we had a beautiful utopic paradise living no goner the toilet in front of each other room oh my god dawn don't and Norman optimists are Norma Dreamer and all a bit old-fashioned I just thought by the way I'm just talkin bout onesies right if you're shittin in front of each other might as well live in a zoo mate it's over if y'all [ __ ] in front of you it's over right go home dude two grills in the garden lie next to each other way to die it is finished animals I'm just talking I don't know I think it was like maybe a lack of confidence on my part I've never gone the toilet in front of apartment if I don't it's just something I don't know why I just I never thought a lady could still find me attractive nor could still fancy me after she heard my paws to piss judder some confuse ladies in the room might not have witnessed a pause piss jitter it's a very very beautiful moment of a man's life it's very personal moment it's a very it's a very sort of you know vulnerable moment of a man's life you know when you've finished it and just it's every man's is different it's gorgeous like a snowflake what was sixteenth of an orgasm it is quite nice I mean I go to got the cubicles in public toilets right button off because stage fright or anything but just because I don't think my fear is that my post picture is going to sort of synchronize with the strangers I'm gonna like catch I can't and I have to get married or something like Smith discuss tonight I just didn't think you know I didn't think the fairer sex should have to hear that noise from me personally but em as a man who's ladies you're not you're not gettin off lightly here as a bloke who's only just recently heard a lady do what we numerous times close up it's one of the most terrifying noise that I heard me life these I don't know what you've got going on down there don't want to know kind of highly pressurized system let's be totally objective here right abroad cause the toilet he stands there blah sounds like someone porn cordial from a height it's quite an age ninth soundtrack misawa's day I think beer commercials use it it is your fantastic amazing beautiful intricate amazing creatures but [ __ ] me smells like a boss Lauren a letup Ramon sounds like someone stir-fry in an angry cat thought you was ill I thought what was going to be a bang at the end honestly I was like what's happening you in your life what's happened for that to me that have you had an operation did the remover valve Ruba Ceylon popped like sort of or a cop right now got 50 so we now just pits in front of each other that's what we do we just pissing room that's why I love quad well glad the nooks in them but I held our man guys I held on I held on so much to the notion in front of each other for as long as I could and then our son Robin how I 18 month old son ruined it in one night this what happened right me and Rosie bath Robin long as he gets him in a towel gets him out of the bath walks him into the living room next door at the bathroom all right I say it was he must stay in the bathroom be a couple of minutes don't come in its then she knows the cord so I go in I sit down I start doing what a gentleman does when he sits down on the loop right here them in the next room it's nice cuz you know it's a nice part and now he's just got the bath is pardon around with nowt on and she say call me your son Robin oh yeah come get your nappy on darlin come here Robin Robin don't Robin know what you broke no no no it's all I heard through a wall so I'm free now all kinds is going on and I'm sitting there like a [ __ ] meerkat and as I can't move site aside I can only go up and down I'm achieving fuck-all maybe better call work that's it Rosie what's happened what's happened all I heard was her go oh he's proved without he's now beyond we've got cream carpets in that living room I'm livid right I went right out was he was he right listen listen listen get that 1001 from under the sink get the sponge Starlite your head no it's not on the carpet it's worse how how's it worse half our rooms carpet half that green style tiles better times much better yeah as he hit the TV Lord so as us on the floor I'm have to scream it from between the buttons I'm at the sanitize every time I watch Netflix all right music what do you mean what happened how's it worse how's it worse with it just is oh and how who's opposed into it I call it oh I'm gonna be impressed but Wow I'm kind of mr. Miyagi Neil from the matrix [ __ ] is that what I mean why I don't know what you gonna do with it all right throw it in the bin I panicked you can't do that you're gonna stink the bit exactly you're gonna stink it out - and I've just changed the kitchen bin I'm not doing that a planet even more but throw all the wind or another rest of the couldn't we think we do that up here but we'll [ __ ] don't and I refuse to by this time by this time just outside the bathroom door and here is just cause Carl will come in Robbins bagging a toy on the door oh you're pretty card to men you know the rules do not lay eyes upon me when stitute iain door flies open any wind for a minute for a minute Newcastle I wasn't even bothered all right because he run in he's a tough kid anyway he's always chuffed about something it's always buzzing about something or that right honestly like strangers and that strangers walk past things they loosely Peter's dream loves it right didn't sit where it's your own [ __ ] off he walked in mine east fit he's always smiling but the smile that night he knew he'd done something incredible Olivia why not man he's just shot like a kid man and fled the scene he's experienced in life pump get in freedom oh she's fierce was like dad she followed in the pourer opposite of moods and I'm looking at later and I'm let me sitting there going you that's it innit rock bottom of domestic life watching your partner [ __ ] rock bottom you can get lower than that you can it's about six seconds later I realized real rock bottom when bruisy stood in front of me that night while I'm shittin holding Robyn's feces in her hands and said the words I'll never forget Newcastle leaned forward [Music] [Applause] clunk splashed me back [ __ ] it's totally [ __ ] true the worst thing out of a hard you kind of stay mad at them I can't stay mad at your kids it's ridiculous they've got you I've got you right in here it's amazing like the only thing I want the only thing I want now there's a dad like the only thing I want in my life I just want I just want Robin to think I'm brilliant like I just want you son to think I'm great like I want to be yesmy it so I mean like I want him I want the thing I bet I want I want to be zero wannabes best myth now like my dad my dad was brilliant he was me evil he was the best man it's not dead I've just got better me it's now 6,000 just went old [ __ ] nor nor karma dealing without it's a Saturday night Ramsey I just spotted these floors you know it's weird weird thing happens when you have kids man - with you and your parents the relationship between you and your parents because when you're down here you're the kid and there appear they're the parent but you have kids right and you are elevated to their level you're a parent as well right and they're just people yeah and you can see behind the curtain yeah you spot their flaws you spot their analyses inadequacies that kind of speak it spot the flaws of analysis you spot the faults you know it's just this weird really weird out-of-body experience when you see them with your kid and you just look at them and go sorry how long have you two being a couple - useless balance how long is this how long has this been happening are you [ __ ] is this how you act with a kid are you in seeing is this why I have to fill arenas with people at listen to us to get self-gratification that should be Joffrey from Game of Thrones that should be murdering people if this is how you raise a child hey Robin right like he's a iman's but he's got you know he's got boundaries he's got you know he's got rules he knows when he eats he knows when he goes to bed he knows where he can and can't go in the house he knows what he can and can't do he comes to my mom and dad's house for a couple of hours and comes back a dick like a full-on [ __ ] see nothing like it just all of our good work undone just broken he walks back in our house he kicks the door and he said [ __ ] listen it's in write to your mom and dad listen good think you'll find up into the promised land yeah see no [ __ ] should be operating think you'll find what you're running here is a fascist regime new rules rule number one I pointed something you [ __ ] get it you get it and bring it to me instantly yeah rule number two when I'm kicking off when I'm giving it large when I'm having a bit of a tantrum you can no longer pick me up under the arms and lift me up not a chance you put your hands in my armpits to lift me up you know what's gonna happen know what's gonna happen this [Laughter] and if I hurt myself on that fall that shit's on you yeah first time you did it Ashley so with a [ __ ] you learn that come here son trying to pick another buttered seal it was not that I've got any frame of reference for that like you've got a bit time off the tour Chris what you gonna do put our seals and move them around move them from place to place so easy or hard that maybe honestly he doesn't like it doesn't like the the the rigmarole of half knees not be put on he does not like having knees now be put on when you put monies back to change his nappy he kicks off it gives it large right it's since when you were dad right when you're a parent you urge that baby well um tell her about for months when they were all over your urging them to roll over when the rule over you celebrate no no that's when the fun ends that's when the [ __ ] work starts until four months you can put that baby anywhere in the house on their back and they have to stay there it's amazing you put them down in the goal well Olivia no you do live there now you specifically live right on that tile cuz I am the god of movement in this house he doesn't like it but your beginner is 18 months you pin him down and your puppy's not beyond it's done alright I'm not bragging about I definitely take him in a fight easy at least for a couple more months right he's a big lad and I won't have it why why does he doesn't know I want a warm no I won't know well don't put he's nappy I know your dad just runs around after him with a gravy board I'll run this through the dishwasher before teatime don't worry I'm getting kills on the way home then [ __ ] that I'm not having it here that's the couldn't you ago what girls massive [Laughter] honestly mamas yeah is he having a dinner at your house today daddy he's dinner no no no he wouldn't weird no tell you what he does lie though red ball ice lollies no sir neither myself dipped them in coffee he's had six look how fast he's running course he is doom backflips a poor lad did he ever did he have a nap this afternoon mom did he ever number your house no you did have a quick seven hours we must believe must earn Edith you must know I'm sure you go about a bed for you and he's official bedtime in ten minutes excellent it's back to square one and it's back to square one how did he how did he sleep last night at your house ma'am did you sleep all the way through no oh yeah woke up at 2:00 in the morning crying and I thought I thought is heat even what does he want a full sunder dinner so I'm not them up a full Sunday Jenna did here why in the name of God would you possibly do that there's me and rules you got to get him up with that routine and I'll be honest with you I think he's gonna cling on to that one who wouldn't the midnight roast why not who doesn't want to live like Henry the [ __ ] ear that's like as a dad that's a terrible thing to say even joking it's a shitty thing to see because I don't feel like a proper dad I proper dad wouldn't say this Miami it's a proper dad oh my me it's got a five-year-old son proper dad mind me at five-year-olds creepy it's a creepy age right you've got a five-year-old I'm not slagging them off but keep an eye on them okay little [ __ ] weird it was five point five year olds or on shuffle they're on shuffle cause half the time the same normal [ __ ] then one in five something something horrific will fall out their mouths the two like g-strings please or maybe Tara Lee don't come up what Teletubbies on love you mom I saw a dead woman at a bar another state you little [ __ ] weirdos right my medicine I made soon five years old he was crying in the middle of the night screaming bad dream or whatever walk it's my made proper dad gets out of bed legs it across the house right legs across a whole street who saw him light on you all right son you okay calm down son it was just a dream was just a dream five-year-old freaky little son said this there's a bad man under the bed now if you're all like me right I'll be like you tell daddy all about that in the morning good luck you're 5 years old now soon you got standing or two feet paid some [ __ ] bills the man of the house cuz daddy lives in the shed but my mates have proper dad's mom is proper dad big lad he went that but I don't breathe a bit uh nope you're bad man yeah you know if you're done a deal with fawni then tell me what he ate like Batman Batman yeah thought not terrified here dad leg dad honey Noorie son said creepy little [ __ ] five year old it's behind you now burn the house down salt the earth emigrate leave the kid [ __ ] yeah I've told him in no uncertain terms that little kid is not welcome in my house No and if he is he just gets more water I flicked on in this box a spine Eddie's find out normally I wouldn't be asked about spitting and grabbing on me on lips but there's a [ __ ] camera res I'm scared of Robins baby monitor stop normal baby my week we splashed oh right we got a [ __ ] 65 quid camera one right I personally think that's expensive or something got an iPad and Wi-Fi could do anywhere the camera race you put it on top of there you put it on top of the cupboard right and it looks down at the cot okay this is a good bit right you buy it Sunday afternoon mother care team Valley right you get it damn right I'm gonna hit every [ __ ] big shop in the Northeast that's bingo you've got your bingo cards cuz as Devin Mothercare done me it Gil's done one more house by mother care right Sunday afternoon you go home you plug it all in you go [ __ ] that something is no full HD view of the car it's fantastic it looks fantastic during the day at night greeny black and white Blair Witch Project night vision of a cot with a baby in it surrounded by darkness it's like a pool squad from hell honestly it's terrifying you look at it flickery image and he's another bastard as well because when you look at it when I click it on and look at it for no reason sometimes he's look with a camera he just opens his eyes Black's all the staff eyes staring down the camera you know I'm really scared of what I'm really really not looking forward to I did it I did it I'm no Robins gonna do it sleepwalking it's worse than it nothin creepier nothing creepier than a sleepwalker nothing creeping than a child sleepwalker an innocently evil little thing yeah wandering around your house in the dark the tiny little feet so you can't hear them coming just wandering about in the Twilight hours not blinking mine right if you're experienced children sleepwalking you'll have experienced what I used to do right I used to six years old five six years old age to get out with me bed right walk out with me room across the London in it me mom and dad's room little feet quiet huh walk to me mom's side of the bed and just stand staring at me Mom wait in front of we go but I'm an individual sighs - throw me your little twisted I used to also talk to my mom [Applause] you castle I'm logging this with you beautiful people right here and now for the future right if Robin does that to me it's gonna lose some teeth I cannot be held responsible for how I react when faced with that kind of horror in the middle of the night said to me mama said mom how did you even call how did you even sleep we're not just lying there all night with a crucifix just she said you'd be banned I wasn't scared hear me Ben so I get a little frayed I'd be like oh there he is again because look what what do you used to do man what'd you used to do and apparently was that thing where you can't wake up sleepwalkers I haven't heard it for years but apparently it's still a thing so my mom said port another wiggle sleep Watterson that's what I would do is I'd wake up I've stand up I gently put me hands on your shoulders I will just turn you around and I would calmly and quietly March you back to your room top you in kiss you good night thought that Robin does that than me I'll be waking up I'll be gently put me hands on his shoulders turning around chalking him clean out room in a rock back of the car down to the beach down to the pier off the end of the pier into the water make a new one start again he was possessed I don't make hotels I don't like stay in hotels it's great for this job [ __ ] brilliant right laughs for like it honestly thank God I'm staying at home at night but on this chair I'll be staying the Lord's different hotels I'm not bragging here but you caught a different hotels right and we stay in awesome I got like three rooms to our manager me and Carl we're checking in the gold mr. Branson mr. Ramsay welcome back welcome back to the Henley Hotel Devon welcome back mm I've got a great room for sure Weaver we've upgraded you to a suite here did not trying to be a man of the people here I've [ __ ] heared it right because I go I either gonna go v upgraded you to the suite mr. Ramsay will show you but a minute you're gonna love it it's our best suite its corner suite it's got a bar it's got a lounge it's open plan listen [ __ ] the bigger the room the more gorse to live in it give me your smallest most modern room mostly mr. Ramsay we've upgraded you to the Dom pérignon suite he might as well have just said mr. Ramsay we found the room you're gonna die in I checked in once one of these fancy stupid over-the-top [ __ ] hotels right the bed award in the room the bed the bed was in the middle of the room not against the wall it's vacant you could walk around so much room for murderers and killers a sacrificial owner this is true right I've got a proper problem with doors hotel doors the locks on hotel doors I'd want to ruin hotels for you but I'm about new if you check in or give me cheffy still in the hotel tonight [ __ ] wait for it right if you check into your hotel I want photos on Twitter after this you go in the old room all right shut that door under the handle if there is a tourney lock it's not a lock that can be opened from the outside that it's not a [ __ ] lock tell you why try it how many times you've done this in a hotel you shut the door you lock it you go I'll check that that's locked [ __ ] me it opened every time it's not a lot mate if there isn't a Balt of a chain or a latch that can be opened from the outside you want the latch really the chains [ __ ] the latch is the chains harder older brother right two years of both hardest in year 10 right he's the one you want the metal ass just like a metal you ship and it clicks around a metal bulb on the door and he can open that door for six inches when you figure out that it's on but it quickly goes poof denied [ __ ] it's amazing it's the best what after call my last [ __ ] god never gonna see these things this is amazing how Ellen if it's just a click click click that me want from the outside anyone anyone with a key can open that from the outside anyone with a key who's got a key Chris lots of people lots of people it's a pile of keys behind reception every single member of staff I've got a key all Amir's have got keys comedians regularly check in later than everyone else are not put in the wrong room so I given a key for your room three times on the last tour I checked in about 2:00 in the morning walked into the room someone asleep in the bed on all three occasions I walked in and back out without them waking up don't creepy this to see a stranger asleep and them not know you were there I'm staring at them over breakfast the next morning like you're so pretty when you're sleeping granted I don't have to say that but I feel like I need new but these aren't dad things to be scared of you know I'm saying these are pathetic child things to be scared of I don't feel like a proper dad I formed my dad when I first started doing the show I said dad weren't you scared of what four beers do you have and I knew what he'd say he's a Scheels block you won't know Australian note I come on like he's old school my dad learn to swim says no [ __ ] my dad learn to swim in the sea in the north [ __ ] see that's not a swimming lesson that's dog died today to be fair may not be in a plan to swim and experience it may have been sleepwalking the night before and he starred may have quite rightly taught them clean-out ruled Amanda Brooke fair play if I mean about a shore Billy well done lad I said dad what what for because he got and I knew he'd seen no so I phrased it differently I said come on dad listen what are you scared of and he's answer cuz he misunderstood the question his answer was scarier than anything I was scared of I went dad what you're scared up and he's just quickly went just normal stuff you know I like being on fire and that it's not a phobia Billy that's common sense mate I've never met the person who's wearing what you don't belong brother foreign bastard oh come on dad please man come on phobias like like Heights nah snakes nah spiders nah confines pierces no wooden of it was my dad you must be you must be scared so there must be something he was quiet for a couple of minutes hmm thirty Seconds I saw maybe quiet on the phone he was thinking and he hit his back he hit his back the answer the answer the dad answered the only thing I should ever be scared of he said listen son the only thing keeps me up in the back of my mind the only fear that I genuinely have is the idea of anything bad ever happening to Robin Rosie you or your mom [Applause] he's no one Robin 18 months fickle [ __ ] fickle mate could be worse though me Mom [ __ ] who's dead sends an email I'm busy very busy a weird thing happens when you do shows with the word celebrity in the title you get tarred with the celebrity brush like I've done the more I've done I've done 70 cheese septa mastermind man Kim third out of four I'm not bragging I am bragging celebrity storage owners best day of my life [Applause] I did know two birds could turn that fast what I've seen is these people who have to have the [ __ ] life plaster gospeleers by cons who've got nothing us derive oh it's the worst and I've never wanted that celebrity treatment in my life I've never looked for it but it's happened it was once my life last year was plastered across the papers and it hurts it's not good it's not nice guys it's not [ __ ] feel for this thing it's not because last year's February last year when I was arrested for a hate crime which I didn't commit but I love that sort of only shoe a moment of people who don't know a corn wad and this wasn't on the fly or what the [ __ ] going on yeah how was the gig it's good until the end then he just stood on stage I it was vile it was disgusting it's actually disgusting I've never seen 6000 people kick someone to death but it was worth it this what happened right it's true story last year February last year the st. Pancras hotel in London big hotel on the Eurostar line Eurostar comes in as the Gateway to London from Europe by train alright Sunday afternoon in February last year a man walking at the sind Pancras hotel at Mid deer with a knife he walked in with a knife he was threatening the staff he was threatening the punters he was really abusive to the staff the police were called quite right the police came he fled the scene they didn't catch him 12 hours later this guy checked in I'm not very perceptive at the best of times I didn't catch the vibe I thought these stuff were really really helpful and respectful and genuinely happy to have me in their hotel I walked in I'm Chet honestly I'm checking in and they're going just so shaken and I'm going Thank You a will come on down the corridor right and the staff are gone I feel like George Clooney on Nespresso advert I'll see again in the lift again the lift the lift doors are shutting three staff members stand as the lift doors are shut and looking in going get in the phone's out freaking the [ __ ] out and so now I'm standing there like an evil maniac going slippery storage hunters the big fans me at a big fans starstruck I walked along the corridor to me hotel room I unpacked me toilet with yeah I dear orbed I got Wi-Fi cord crack and Wi-Fi in that hotel [ __ ] ears and knees and Wi-Fi in watch two videos at the same time if you don't know why I'd want to watch two videos at the same time you're not getting all I'm saying is I'm not trying to be disgusting guys hey you mom and dad are in alright all I'm saying is you have to know where my head was at for that night I wasn't in the headspace of impromptu police read I was all about the Chris Ramsey happy times all I'm saying is time was a factor all right fools police had knocked on my door ten minutes later it would have been a [ __ ] different story altogether Sarge he's got a concealed weapon in a sticky belly your right to leave at that point madam out of left as well look by the way if there's no one who's getting what I'm alluding you already now if you're still not getting this you never [ __ ] will and you're a delicate beautiful snowflake never change just think about something else for the next six minutes so I literally right I am on that bed lying on the bed beds against the wall which should be I'm opening various tube and hob related sites someone knocks at the door I see knock someone tries to punch a hole in the [ __ ] door boom boom boom and I freak out like a jump off the bed and I stand at the bottom of the bed looking at the door so the doors about where the edge of the stage is right and I stand there about seven foot away from it gone just taken aback by how [ __ ] loud it was I golf a downward tension alright I can't do waistband because I've got no t-shirt on no one wants that just where we going [Applause] even though officer little pom dirty little orange something aside genuinely something inside any soul when the one answer that all the crystal don't don't do it I don't know why so I opted to go like I don't know what Karen arrows call for some kind of mrs. Doubtfire I didn't get a chance to continue me rule play because when I went boom drop a like please please please boom big Hollywood style pow brother latch on water lush [ __ ] much it's made a [ __ ] adamantium look me isn't it just went poof [Applause] please please please please please please oh [ __ ] all hands on the table rubbing it grabbing from the locker open this door please please open this door priests are priests I said something that out anyone in London has ever said to the armed police a set it's not the police they said something I told the police in London I've ever had to say it is we are the police you're not the police wheeler I was havin over I was giddy I was giggling I couldn't go by myself I was one step away from born if you are the police need me three things on your policeman belt not a bit but this doesn't make sense doesn't make sense Newcastle why why have I suddenly got this bravado and the biggest whim in the [ __ ] room why have I got this bravado well I tell you why not because [ __ ] the police not come straight out of Compton not because gangster gangster no no no but because the moment the moment I heard police police police and the moment they kicked in that door and the moment they couldn't get past a [ __ ] latch the first place my brain went it was an index of little bastards [Applause] here we go sorry like oh we're getting drunk do enos everywhere come on I look at myself in the mirror honestly I don't swear and all you like you're swearing I swear it's kids watches millions of viewers yeah yeah practice a thing you do at the end perhaps that thing they all do where they go who loads Oh hold your spot one do William William Gordon Ramsay think again they're ninjas mere to drop the belief drop it it's not gonna happen I don't see how prepared myself laughs just the idea of me looking sexiest sent her in a [ __ ] overdrive I've seen on Geordie Shore now how your deity does so a little cleavage oh I put me out around the dollar when evening the anger on that man's face told me he was neither and Nordic he was a very angry policeman honestly it was so cool and just a calculated killer I just went open this door now updates a tall facade dropped everything flop came back I took the latch of the moment the latch came off one door flies in one of them runs in it like clears the room two of them come hold grab hold of us I'm on me back arms right at me back legs spread right hand full of me [ __ ] hair boom smashes against the wall face against the wall handcuffs on us your cover the stairs come with us you're right away Asylum you're under arrest you come let's tear - enough the pull is off the wall the March is out with that door and it started pushing us down the corridor you come to the stairs [ __ ] we got about 30 steps down that corridor and a few things happened that made them realize I was not the man that we're looking for they literally stopped loosened their grips turned around and calmly and quietly marched me back to my room like a sleepwalking child sat me down on the bed sat down took the cuffs off one of them kneels down he goes listen sir it's been a terrible mistake we realize now you are not the man we're looking for merely when you started crying [Laughter] like honestly like the most embarrassing ly pathetic [ __ ] breakdown of a grown man like so bad is Liberty to beat he was like listen sir listen you have to understand oh you're on it dear there was a man in the hotel with a knife resist man recently threatening the staff with a knife we were called we came to the scene he escaped we did not catch that man you've just checked in now and the staff of ID'd you was that man that's what happened I'm like I'm not going to prison no you're not going to prison sir no gonna be on telly no it's three them two of them talking was one doing most of talk and once down in there nodding another one stand on these batteries so bad at hide knees laughs so bad like all I could say he was just convulsion with laughter it's liberally and it would say the how to send them all to ruin we're like don't get me a tissue or something have a tissue setting it comes back with a tissue smirking and I get it I get it they apologized and that's brilliant that's lovely right but if this guy standing in front of you on stage Chris could be the ruler of most of my life that would be this all the time I would have said that's ups that you find sir thank you very much inaudible um did I understand it's high security you're doing a hard job very well thank you sir now what I said March all of the staff members who ID'd me into this room now I'll have asked them the question that's been bugging me more than the [ __ ] cauliflower more than the guy from the undateable Oh said listen guys you tell me right now which which knife wielding racist does the knife wielding racism flees the scene then 12 hours later checks back into the same [ __ ] hotel what to sleep off all the racism in what world does he like this so they imagined that he ran and went right you punch a [ __ ] it's nice in here Macauley cognitive overload tooth got right you before I never let me tell you to [ __ ] off batter your own company or something disgusting is the breakfast buffet or a la carte and a car fantastic brilliant or get eggs benedict you Wi-Fi two videos at once brilliant like and this Shores called is a Chris Ramsey and I discovered exactly who Chris Ramsey was that dear yeah I'll tell you I think I am yeah I'm the guy and the guy who sits at home watching something on Netflix yes that rules he's already ruined watched it anywhere I knew everything was coming with rubbish and the guy who sits at home someone's arrested on TV something didn't do yeah I'll give it the big and donut iced Italy announced with a can going why is she doing that it's [ __ ] unrealistic it's stupid it's what's are just letting them arrest her mentor wife's doing that that was me Rosie and that was me get that [ __ ] big wooden there I'll be like you'll never take us alive pigs yeah use all your partner must be [ __ ] on Judy in the big market when I'm finished with you and you're busy just cops in sick in your hops you'll hear it I'll be no celebrity stories huh god so I think I am that's who I think I am okay I'll tell you exactly who I am I found out that day who I was and those policemen found out that day one sort of all who this idiot standing before you is right I did three things three things that prove to them exactly who I was that I wasn't the man they were looking for number one instant tears [ __ ] instantaneous I was crying and so like a taste it in my mouth breakdown I'm surprised the ones firing out with me head right second thing right there get me as you saw what happened out they've got us and they're pushing us down the corridor right and if you're coming with us you come in with us you're coming with us I'm not resisting arrest but I am in a way because as they're going you're coming with us I'm replying with but I'm in your net pots but a cold wall in my underpants that's how an arrest works you [ __ ] panic and the third thing the thing I did that proves once and for all exactly what kind of guy stands in front of you right now was the moment that the police armed police had learned and kicked my hotel door in put handcuffs on me in my underpants grabbed me by my hair pulled me off the door marched me down the corridor three armed please six hotel staff God knows how many people watching the commotion for the peoples in their door I screamed in my underpants through tears of fear it was normal porn [Applause] you castle this has been a dream I didn't naught fulfill thank you so much thank you so much indeed I love you all good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Applause]

Channel: Chris Ramsey

Views: 535,633

Rating: 4.8279862 out of 5

Keywords: chris ramsey, is that chris ramsey, chris ramsey's stand up central, comedy central, the chris ramsey show, funny, comedian, stand up, comic, newcastle arena

Id: 3xeqY2Jf4XI

Length: 72min 49sec (4369 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 22 2018