Tommy Tiernan - Live 2002 (1st Stand-Up Special)

okay look hi-yah don't whistle interfere at the microphone thank you very much you have no idea what divine privilege it is be playing back in the bosom of my own nation people do lovely big freckled welcoming bosoms that's what I say in front of me not strangers faces de nice to be here delighted knowing I'm you might not know this person we're very popular people the Irish did you know that everybody loves everybody wants to be [ __ ] Irish everywhere you go I'd love to be Irish I know why though I don't know people expect you to be drunk you travel the world building things sleeping in cement mixers is a great life most of us are firstly proud of being ours aren't we first of all that's sick that's fishy proud of something that we don't understand hi Maya ah reason that [ __ ] English doesn't mean i I don't know you know most people compare themselves the English no cuz they're gonna come out of it looking good aye aye aye I know I liked English you know I were like England as well you know obviously I'd like to see them defeated and and stuff like football and war and but in general I think they're good people you know the first repetition you know thing is England's the fierce reputation for conquering the world you know invading low the different countries and then getting obsessed when those people followed them home don't clap with everything we'd be [ __ ] here all night no I you know one I think Irish people I think we're just as interested in taking over the world and we don't do it by invading though we do it by infesting it's a different plan of attack see we copped on don't you kind of scare people you get their backs off if you arrive with hatchets and machine guns in a foreign language no the Irish way to people arrive armed with just a sleeping bag and a phone number you go to the tallest first in the village hello there don't mind us were Irish for great crack ah so we're always laughing in Ireland ah not as Badgers Jess I was on the Loch last night I came back home I put the rosters in the toaster ah tooth windows if you're Irish come here to the Father good luck get out nothing to fear here and the two highest people disappear into a cottage three weeks later 47 Irish people war we're very relaxed as well we're much more relaxed in the English no they're afraid uptight about rules and regulations you have to do this three I have to do that away not like that stall you know often to our detriment I was in a pub in London recently and a fire alarm went off and I just couldn't believe what happened everybody left doesn't watch me you doing why are you doing that no you wouldn't get that over here at all you could be in a pub in Galway heart a pub made out of Christmas trees and petrol in between a fireworks factory and a remind Centre for young criminals at Halloween and if a fire alarm went off sure you'd look for the partner if you didn't see it it didn't [ __ ] exist if the fire alarm kept going and start making jokes about it ha ha ha ha is that my phone and of course we it's a wildly different country we have browser all loaded this Celtic Tiger [ __ ] golden calf economy that we have there's no more poor people priests carry around photographs of poor people from the 1980s just just to scare children telling them stories about such a wild and dangerous things butter vultures rent allowance her daddy don't stop daddy sir please daddy sir I left school in 1987 we had the highest unemployment in Western Europe and we were secretly delighted you couldn't find the job if you look for one they were socially acceptable to do nothing especially in this town everybody will do nothing you know but nowadays people have fourteen jobs and twenty nine mobile phones and no [ __ ] personality and I just think of change you know people get this nuts you can't be unemployed any more people in theirs at Roger everybody has to be doing something at least when you're doing something people know what you're up to why when you meet somebody so what do you do yourself you have to ask them you have to know if they say how's your business what the theatre people who do not and they could be off to anything you see it it's not fair you have to tell us they tried to bring it unless everybody's obsessed out with getting from A to B as fast as they can I drove down to go away the other day from Dublin man I [ __ ] floors 11 seconds it took me 11 seconds Oh a [ __ ] floored at fintan I really floored us Oh God and that's just not good for their head and super done and you know it's like the try to being a long Grafton Street right against loitering did I bring you and if it doesn't so bad when you say it like that funny think about it that's a law against doing nothing you cannot lighter there for a long time don't you start it assumes you cigarettes you can't light on hürmüz mozar for one small household yeah big cushy GERD ba and you do you guys panic and pandemonium when you do nothing and I've thoroughly recommend us the best place to cause the most amount to panic or do nothing is in a bank over the next week if you've got a couple of hours to spare water to a bank understand there all day dude you'll be shot dead by lunch army what are you doing there I'm doing notes I even got a balaclava on your head I've got a drop of tea left in me medicine I'm trying to keep us warm know what just things are crazy everywhere you have to decide what kind of a life you want to live and what's good for your head and good for your body and good for your soul it might be the same thing that's good for your wallets projector decide stuff you know said he charging nine pound no can take us but you know to me I don't think the older you get the more conservative you become I'm 33 years of age and I'm not as wild as I used to be I know you're looking at me now so he's fantastic crack you're not [ __ ] like this all time yeah get up in the morning good morning children does daddy want um breakfast with you Oh oh you'd be shot yeah so I don't need all your love the more a conservative you become and you get stuff like I have this whole whole soul I have this I have this the imagination of the wandering [ __ ] and somebody who likes to vision himself as a kind of here.all Rahula or a Raftery the wandering done gone touching people and Sublette it's very I've a mortgage and I have three children and an adult and as it ya know I have a whole bow sold but children bring it down to earth big time driving in towns of the day my three-year-old son we're driving past the houses it oh look daddy look a house stuck to another one that's ridiculous isn't it chatting so I think I'm just becoming safer in my head you know I've got one friend left for my early 20s who is still the same way his name is Declan Moffat and he's still as wife it goes from Glen and Maddy and he says it's wild here this ferocious kind of sexual energy but it's not wrapped up in any charm it's in it's raw unprocessed seche women find him repulsive give me another smaller but is you know and you know they just eat I like hanging around them in retrospect like after he's been you know they just obsessed everybody when you come on out that book to me good luck what I can hardly got no Jackman look at the quarter past knowing cool I think the type of person he is no we were em I thought we're doing some work on London for the IRA or the BBC you're one of those companies I was doing some work over I'm doing some work over in London and after the gig was over and have anything they flew me back from he thought of the airport first class and gave me an extra ticket to take one of my smelly armies friends out of their lovely City I don't so I I took Declan now then the nice before the gig finished we just got hammered drunk and it was just bleary-eyed not the same night the morning drinking and stuff got an hour asleep slept in our clothes next thing but it'll put the butter taxi here they're all gone much too gathered her went out a bleary-eyed blood everywhere we looked like children's feast sketches about the room I don't remember that at all we looked like two young fellas who'd failed the audition for the wolf tones into the taxi over to the airport everybody else's on the plate we were late and first class because everybody's so posh with their big hair and massive newspapers and really small fingers so I said unto me see and Declan is there he's got a bag of oranges which he's bringing back as a present to his nephews and nieces in Glenna Maddie hollingers from London oh yeah but he's finding the fierce difficult Corden is opening the flap and put his arms off [ __ ] anyone so he says stand beside me no to know when you're that hungover and you know what you want to say you can see the sentence in front of you but it just takes too much effort so choose you you pick out a couple of words you throw them together and you hope it makes sense now what he meant to say was he meant to Satan was did you ever make loved your girlfriend come home make lobster go friend when initially she doesn't really wants to be made love to you know you're kind of a you're kind of working on the charming side of aggressive hey hey right but that took him what mental toss so it was also remember that his ears have popped patty he had no idea how loud he was actually speaking he turns me in your roars house did you have a rip some1 we're off 29,000 feet the pilot it was the plane into reverse I'm dropping this [ __ ] back Luke he's also somebody he's gonna use no idea of his own limitations I suppose you just see things he can do everything he thinks he's gonna be brilliant and everything he decided recently he was going to run in the Southampton Marathon it was near where he was everything at the time I would take no dissuading whatsoever he'll he trained for us a week shy of an run 26 miles I was drunk looking for a party I probably win the [ __ ] so the start of the race where does the bow that can go not at the back with all the humble amateur athletes dressed up as restaurants and werewolves no Declan has the chance of winning the [ __ ] so he elbows his way down to the front and he stands their stomach against the ticker-tape shoulder-to-shoulder with all the boys from Somalia and Kenya Deccan Moffatt Glen Ahmadi The Bachelor cheers there isn't a pick on you well you have a ham sandwich on ah are we gonna bast the chipper or what ha ha ha they're all there in their sleek a DDoS outfits singlets shiny short and trainers with spikes in them Declan is there in a Saw Doctors t-shirt he has the sleeves torn off for aerodynamic purposes by her Oh No the race starts he said that he was able to keep up with them for the first 4 miles now that's an achievement because those fellows don't hang around just really it's like they're made out of gazelles or this room I'm Brendan there after four miles he said he got so tired that he wasn't able to slow down he said that if he didn't come to an abrupt stop he was going to die so rather than kind of stand to one side and to be seen like a bit of a fool he spotted a ditch huh and he very suddenly and dramatically just veered off course and left into it without a word of explanation to his fellow athletes what has happened to Dickon I don't know I don't know he was scaring me me too me too was either different I don't know I didn't I like to run so it's good it's good to have that could have that paragon of lunacy in your life one of the interesting things about September the 11th 1982 well the interesting is about September the 11th last year was a watching the telly that Tuesday afternoon now this is before you know you might have heard of people that you knew or nearly new or just sad human stories coming out but it's always it's [ __ ] always the ordinaryjoe soaps get busted no matter what kind of conflicts dissolvent [ __ ] is going to work to get blown up yeah the interesting thing about September 11th before all the stories that afternoon okay when we're watching the television and we're there and it's compelling and it's just this televisual spectacle before - it's a human heartbreak Wow what the bone gene - and you've all these headlines coming on these screaming sky news headlines with a bullet with the black backdrop and the white headers Janie Mac or Lima goalie or whatever the Irish is for jihad go home right goodness what are we on the world is thought the world is stopped on what the [ __ ] do they do that part the world is Baja so during the ads I went out into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and I locked out the window and everything was grand those Robertson trees and children and confused they said so I knew that there are those kind of a crisis and you had to make a decision which world was I going to live in I was gonna spend my life volunteering for sorrow watching news and getting all the bad stuff her was it going to live my own little wrapped up world not know what was going on with the rest the world incited you neither it's hard to make a compromise what I did was I went in to the sitting room I left the television on but I switched over to the Teletubbies but and then IRA - into the backyard right and I got all the children around me in the big huge circle and I looked at them who I said what he's asking for but while I was in New York I went to a went to the planetarium which was a bewildering experience the Wilden because I got to go on a tour of space there's this big massive huge golf ball of a kind of a dome thing and it's filled with seats every which way and from half way up all the way around is his magical bendy cinema screen and you go on this tour of space and the start off in knock it starts off and you see the world and the words I don't know you notice already but the world is so beautiful when you look is this this is this blue spinning ball with no strings at our house and it's just lovely and it says mmm always moving even when you're fast asleep you think you're still you're not you're on a big ball gone and then we got to look at all the other planets in our solar system and compared to them we're singing because they're all they're all covered in dust and bricks and just ugly stuff and nothing really thrown to rabbits they don't have trees and they certainly don't have children so then we got to look at all the other solar systems that exist in our galaxy right and this one did them hundreds and thousands of solar systems with Suns that would dwarf ours our Sun would just be a phlegm on your brother's jacket remember when you used to do that you spent four years in seconds ago so does you know and that there's planets much better there's planets with 19 moons 19 moons you'd never get a wink a [ __ ] sleep but like sleeping under floodlights you know and then we got to look right at all the other galaxies that exist in our universe and there's million dead a vaster and more expansive than our one day I mean I'm in tears now if this days then we get to look at all the other universes apart from our one I don't Maienschein day we get to look at all your the universes that we don't know about but that's we [ __ ] know about and the rest then was just space I can't the conclusion that far from being the center of things far from being important far from being even relevant nobody knows or here so let's wreck the joint nobody knows we're here nobody knows why we're nobody knows how we're here if everybody who had ever lived ever was able to stand up at the same time and say the word hello in the same language nobody would hear us this is it folks this is life is just me and you and the rabbits and the trees and the children that's all so what do you think of us it's not always great is it life stressful everywhere [ __ ] noise and people are so overrated aren't they there's nothing to say life is [ __ ] short in the wrong companies that do [ __ ] long when trying to find it a type of music that adequately expresses what it's like to be live been getting into jazz you know and not just not ordinary jazz this type of jazz and I can only actually listen to a per few minutes it's called free jazz it's kind of em it's everybody plays whatever they want whenever they want there's no rules or laws as a young waiter ladies do and it's supposed to be cool it kind of sounds like a fire in a pet shop so I got to go to a gig a free jazz gig in PES called the Village Vanguard when the most famous jazz clubs in the world in New York and go down the steps this basement Club and on the wall there's all these cool fours grass all these cool people and jazz photography is just so when I just so look so great and it's all cigarette smoke and sharp suits and Miles Davis John Cantrell Charles Mingus and do you think everything that with Korres be half as popular if they were called the Mangan's I don't think so mr. president allow you to meet the mountains whenever there aren't salt there and cigarette smoke shop suits and yeah yeah yeah not like photographs of Irish musicians mix Navin here hello ding-ding-ding-ding-ding him to the new lending so that at the Jazz gig and after a while I sit down to my seat and the band come on the stage and they don't run on like a pop band going love me love me love me stick they walk on you can love me if you like I'm not in a rush and they're all black and the fact they're black mix cos makes it cooter and I don't know why that is but it just does and it's interesting what happened to black people in America over the past 120 years isn't it Oh Oh Tommy please have me head is going to burst please 120 years ago black people in America were kept in and identity cutting sheds and sent out into the field and whipped and kicked and bezants shoved back into the sheds and maybe it grew up a feel of one of the good-looking ones during the night I'm only telling you what you already know don't be but now it's it's just it's just how it's interesting to me just a sociological journey that's involved there you know and I'm you know I'm thinking wants to parallel with Ireland you know been 120 years time or our grace great-great-grandchildren all gonna wants to be tinker's ha ha ha no wait uh me i'm tannaz going to happen wasn't Brad Pitt the coolest tinkerer you ever saw in your life and they moved our descendants are gonna want to do that standing by the side of the road leather jacket leather hats loads of rings trying to sell gates to strangers tow bar pie bar said no not at all watching reruns of Blacky Connors wedding and Glen row won't ever hey somebody have a better parents get nonsense I don't want you talking like that anymore Justin you're not my name no more my me know I want to be known by Michelle named hatchets to the band of their they all get behind their instruments and they're just real kind of and the lead guy comes up to the mic he kind of just a real chauffeur lovely deep black skin white hair so pint of Guinness Digga very much ladies and gentlemen the old very welcome to the village man got to vote the vibe of the by but the boat is over and up big event with Lissa balloons if disabilities against the Jazz we're gonna play some songs for you to see ladies and gentlemen before we do just wanna introduce you to the members of the band on the bass we got the face of the days of the grace of the Jays a gaff everywhere is gold over the semester grades Gaza Alabama that affected all would do Kelly did or something like that how was it a guy with a white lady there's a man-bag it up the dole he said stop doing that to her as enough to do Turner brother she's doing it all to me on the drums they got maybe some hey there's like I've drifted away there for a minute I'll judge them on on the saxophone with a baby with some you big marisa sunny ruins and Nana's on the Red John would dream maybe dad's go marathons dangasm we're gonna do a little song for you now called up we don't know was God maybe something like Paris hoes I think of in my job in days ago his ever and they start and the interesting thing is that when they start you think you understand us because there they seem to be all playing from the same hymn sheet but the lunacy starts but when they start doing their solos and during the solo you can do whatever you want whenever you want the least amount of sense it makes the better slow that kind of pain away and first goes on and on and on about the duration of lent add some unknown secret signals Lester [ __ ] bang Joint Endeavor tendons bass boom boom boom boom boom boom boom he sounded like somebody who's trying to remember a tune every time he got two notes with went against it I handle that's not it again the old [ __ ] no Wendell you are later joining then Donna and then the last ago was the saxophone player now I have never in my life heard a noise like this coming out of a saxophone I've seen sharda videos I know what saxophones are supposed to sound like without a word of warning this our own sodomy beyond righteous well well well there's blood coming out his ears well you would have made more sense he put the saxophone down and made the noises with his mouth well yeah well the last time I heard a noise like that was from a donkey in distress but really happened it happened dies I was living out Nimish more for a while and I was an I was going I was 18 you know I was going out with this island girl and she wasn't used to men like me she was used to big refreshment men with massive calluses and their hands hook stuck on their faces yellow fur has been lifting both from the age of two and a half and I came into her life this East Coast port never did a day's work in his life I get blisters pointing and I played the part of the port fer I love Patrick Gavin I used to recited for English King Road July evening they also dance in Billy Brennan's baron today's the bicycles go by in twos and threes no one on them just his [ __ ] bicyclists so imagine the scene okay it's just during the summers about half past 12:00 at night walking on the main road an inch more the big beautiful connemara moon out are a big bull bull bellied whiting the stars are shining like angels Heath the Atlantic Ocean is crashing off the rocks on one side the island it's creepin up the shingle phil beach on the other the lights of mainland ireland in the distance good another letter fraktur the smoke I was on my way sicker and I was one meeting I was vomiting vodka so I went home and I watched television so that's the scene we're walking home we're holding hands I'm asked here to squeeze so [ __ ] tightly so I'm gonna walk her home to her to her house give her a kiss and maybe go back to the temporary accommodation I'm saying we're walking on next thing we were just noise what there's no street lamp so it's kind of a wild landscape oh he does noise well well I can't be by the sound of hooves well I thought was the for donkeys of the apocalypse she's bigger than me I just stood behind her for a moment just together has gone through the audio files in my head looking for a match there was nothing well and the things when you you when you're in an odd environment she expect anything I won't even surprising a banshee or something something is imagine you're lost in the mountains or some remote part of origin it's late at night and the wind is gone the rain is beaten against your face here holding our stick on your listen you're looking for your friend and you walk around the corner right I'm there they're sitting on a rock just poppin an old pipe a little is a [ __ ] leprechaun just you give him a kick he says [ __ ] off for you no part of you would be gone but party Romania me look up a bottle course where would you find gone so I don't know what to expect the Jews are frozen well next thing this donkey Ross a flying past I mean it is either Xena nostrils blaring who's doing nothing with the eyes turns your horse running madly and it never looks all the way around goes you please stop it it just and I see flu bastards we could see what was wrong with him he'd obviously earlier on in the day eating a massive sheet of industrial plastic rice parabot but the size of a pool table rice uh I don't know how clever donkeys are but he should have known a bite or two into us that it wasn't the greatest idea he'd ever had maybes a knife focus I'm a donkey I presume about quarter to twelve that night he started to get the odd cramp oh just forgotten about that Oh God didn't want to tell the other donkeys what was wrong with them cuz they need have to tell them what he done and it is hard enough being a donkey without being a fool of a donkey so he said to them I'm just going for a walk and he had this vision of burying his head in a rabbit hole and you decided the irony was goodness Emily no one would hear him cuz he's petrified Robster what the hell is that so he went off for a walk right Oh I'm the worst pain gosh only good thing to do was move and click on Jesus you're worse and worse and faster bus by the time he came past us he did not give a [ __ ] he woke up the whole line okay and we listened and listened and listened until we heard a splash we think we think why would you talk to him on the monitor he's either just [ __ ] he had a cape and could fly like super donkey or something I don't know oh and the other thing was that he may have committed suicide initially we thought was funny looking donkey we thought about it some more and said well you know something's after dying and you know it's it's a bit sad isn't it and then we thought about it's more it's no [ __ ] right the first time so we even though I couldn't understand the jazz music and even though yes it's almost like I've worked these stories that before isn't just and I couldn't understand us it couldn't make sense to me and that's the only thing I can compare to it still kind of inspired me because it didn't didn't make sense in life doesn't make sense and it's chaotic and you know we're just in it for each other you know when that's all there's to be said really are else I'll weep and it's very different to Irish traditional music at jazz is about one person getting up on his own and saying I am mad take it or leave it Irish trad is a lot more inclusive Irish er [ __ ] a walk we're all mad come on it's very different than the instruments so all the instruments in an Irish triad are it's very organic thing they're all made out of dead animals you know says he years ago an animal would die and the music people would run over quick before the hungry people have found us they'd flick out the nipples with the penknife rice put their fingers over the holes show the head ìletís up its arse to stop the air going out that way turn it upside down and with this arm squeeze and as the air is going passing they put you modulator tuned deadly I'd lie to Lulu Lala Oh daily Idol idol oolong so we say here in some pub some nice okay some poke down the west side or something the crane or some some pub like that it's packed its gently packed and the music is just it starts off but it's it's not too fast is kind of Swift and mischievous it's kind of moving between the people like a curry of smoke it's kind of pulling them together slowly without them even notice diddly I'd lied lewd lara lou laden deadly I'd lied a little on lewd lon I mean there how are you doing isn't it great to be alone dei lovely will you have a drink sure why wouldn't dad Lily I blew it Lallu done diddly I'd like little on Ljubljana you're looking great thanks very much oh there's your one she's a fine-looking bird isn't she oh she is but she's a thundering [ __ ] to me I'd leave our noodle on daily I'd like me lalu lon daily I'd like me slightly light London our new love Danny I'd light little odd little a flute any I'd like look at Mike right Danny I'd like there's not good luck Danny I'd lightly lalala Danny I'd like the lovely Laura Daniel get that engine faster and faster and you start to think forgive him the drink is flying into you know all right Daniel nothing are you doing oh you're right here but you're [ __ ] delighted Halen don't stop now come on Daniel and you're thinking if the music is fast enough and if we drink enough maybe just maybe we'll break on through to the other side thank God I'm dr. Daniel New London Lana faster faster faster faster people getting wild and pig and no listen they're doing things they wouldn't normally allow themselves to do picking up children little [ __ ] our field [ __ ] big enough for the Yonkers I'm just did you see the spin I thought I'm not like Danielle you've employed a man with eyes pointing in two different directions to drive around the town picking up homeless waves luring them into the van with the promise of free front filling them up till they're all giddy and fizzy bringing them through the back door of the pub I've got a fresh batch good man yourself Shamus c'mere to me you ya little [ __ ] frisbee people aren't drinking the drinks on their own anymore the Birman has turned the top top and and you're thinking maybe this is it maybe this is the session to end all sessions the one that I've read about in the grade book the session that is our birthright we're slowly we won't know cuz we'll all be demented the pop will lift off the ground we'll have made contact with some spirit from the other world the bub will lift off the ground go up up up we're going to break free of the Earth's atmosphere who can open the doors we're gonna walk out into the cosmos to become the space patty bug people that nature intended us to be while I was in the planetarium I found out that everything that exists inside a universe is made in the center of that universe by a star therefore we are the stuff that stars are made of cotton we're gonna turn into this whirling dervish faster and faster and faster and faster and we'd be lost in some kind of wonderful lunatic reverie come here nitrogen are usable yellow bunny other boy in the boiler give me heart broke Christy Brown sometimes I think your army heart it's a whole schedule it's a horse you could do worse than spend an evening in the field with a tinker's daughter she wouldn't be your father if he didn't beat you when I am gone he'll take my place and just what you think it's going to happen just when we're [ __ ] ready all of a sudden the music stopped we thought we were just slowing down coming to a bend deadly I'd like that alright but stops good cuz now it's time for a sad song and there's always a couple of foreigners in the Popo don't understand what I'm this old woman about 400 years of age made out of the potato well yeah you don't know she's singing Egyptian or being interfered with oh yeah oh yeah sounds like the Muslim call to prayer all the workers from the local halal factory have left the night shift are walking towards the bar business buddy unusual resolve the night the boats are gone the fish ah where they God and after she's finished her long lament we can begin the fast music again but it's too late because we know we're not gonna be logo all the way when people are beginning to feel a bit self-conscious now especially about the huge lump of semi concussed children up against the wall but I I think I think that what the idea is not that you need a bit of sadness do you think ne-yo we need little bit you know I mean you couldn't be happy all the time not in this continuum you'd have no friends for a search oh here he comes the happy [ __ ] but the great thing about music is that it allows you to become Spears just for a little while and music is very corporate these days there's old MPT I'm so fed up paying $24.99 for a disc of [ __ ] it's all mp3 thing these high-powered music executives who are telling us to stop download music from the attest you can't be having that stuff for free we've got billionaires to protect and I say [ __ ] them let's keep doing us for every Napster and pop star they destroy will employ another one of Donald Duck's nephews to take his place these people are only trying to scare us folks you know we've been through this before I don't have many of you remember the whole taping songs of the radio crisis and how that nearly cripples the music industry haha we had them worried and injury or sin our bedrooms with our lunch box shapes tape recorders pressed up as close to the radio as physically possible while at the same time getting everybody downstairs who please request one so move the play button the other thumb over the record button you had to use all your physical strength and coordination to get both buttons pressed down at the same time there was some kind of special Mickey spring-loaded device on the record button if you got the timing wrong on that ya got guess locate your shoulder hovering over the two buttons waiting for the DJ to shut the [ __ ] up I'm all for was was the fantastic music we wanted to download during the 80s is a we weren't cool like kids from the 60s or the 70s or the 90s known we were reincarnation of kids from the 50s innocent and naive and they had Bill Haley and we we made a millionaire a millionaire out of shakin Stevens nothing against the man but we just we looked at him we were so daft we thought that shakin Stevens was as wild and as radical as any human being could possibly be without exploding no shakin Stevens man oh yeah and all these songs about DIY this old house don't need oh and no that's right the windows on this house are gone shakin till it from the mountaintop where I find your [ __ ] Rama yeah there's an old piano and they play it off behind the green oh did you do that money and are a [ __ ] green dog you don't know my life that's good good it's got to remember stuff go maybe I don't know maybe this man in the movie on wouldn't be a big fan of photographs now we're looking to look back too much you become your head becomes Alden meddled in the nose only now enjoy today and but my dad is weird him my dad says something weird other day said anytime Tom that I like that I can't sleep I try to remember something that I've never remembered before it's bewildering thing to try and do I tried it I remember getting a lift from this em I was hitched up from Cork one time and remember gettin left with this massive massive born-again Christian does she huge was always such a fat man who's massive he's one that bees people I've ever met and he was will drive another of Cork and he says I've a [ __ ] biofouling Jesus to me the cork accent always hands like tinker's trying to speak French I found Jesus by her found him and he's saying to me em what what are you thinking about right now and I couldn't tell cause I was thinking about what it must be like to be that fat and to make love to somebody I I don't know whether it's I'm I'm watching a lot of Italian movies or something but I'm starting to develop a Gras for bigger women bigger not like women who've let themselves go or anything but you know just big kind of you know like a little give her an old generals mean not a pump but you can I know she knows me and Johnny mean the kind of more amply fleshed women there's not a lot of pressure on not just women and to be 10 there's a lot of pressure on men to look like a you know attractive you know what the focal a reader takes in a lock on a house strongbox what the [ __ ] is that but there is you know expression and you see some really skinny women you know and you think my god you know and you just love to read love to go over and give them a hug and say have a sandwich or something there's a melted cheese on a squatter look knock yourself out there would you I'm not very good at sex and don't mind telling you that because we won't be making love no I'm not very good at says I am just not that I died I don't have to be well I ought to be but I die she never says anything which is the problem yeah I'd you know I'm not wild in bed I know some of you look I'm not mean I was thinking I'm a superstar sex card so I'm nauseous I'm really and I could be wild in a kind of a controlled environment you know I could be wise under medical supervision but I was a very I was very late comer what I mean by that no I'm I'm not able to delay and I mean there are sixteen and a half and when I came for the very first time and I know that old I dunno I I know there's men in here who have come three or four times their own body weight by the time they're 16 and a half they get of life-sized sperm replicas of themselves like the fella from Terminator I'm a puddle I'm a truck I'm a puddle I'm a truck the reason it took me so long to come was because I try to close with the times and just found it very very very very boring nothing was ever happening I felt stupid on movies dinners wrong when I made wrong I'm some kind of you know key [ __ ] but this is giving me no pleasure or satisfaction whatsoever I'd be explaining this to some of my teachers you know and they they did not but my classmates gave me so much and good can tell me you have to keep trying it's worth in the end I swear to God keep going one day you'll do yeah what where did you place in the bathroom I had you're laughing yes I'll tie in the fat thanks very much and the headmaster give me a half day we'd like to wish Tommy Jared the best of luck he's gone hawk dude I had gone for the very first high pot all the boys at do be to please go to the would recruit no I run all and I'd burst in the kitchen door is it money I'm gonna have to have a bat and she know right well when I was at and she be there oh please oh please oh please let today be the day so I got when I get into the bat and I went for us I won't for like I have never gone for before in my life and nothing absolutely nothing no sensations nothing - aw [ __ ] and I just have tried now uh-huh but I'm getting my best boner then they started shoving soap up mirrors focus I was in the bath I was up for development and the fantastic thing about children's soap up your bottom is you don't after practice the first time you try you'd probably succeed well we got dunks if we want to do the night is young and so am I so to mark the special occasion I would like to tell you about the very first time I came a lawyer I said I was 16 and a half and at the age of 16 I was sent to its boarding school the reason I was sent to a boarding school was because in my Christmas exams and st. Patrick's Classical School in navin my highest mark was 21% now I know in some parts of Connemara their class visas some type of intellectual so my parents got all worried and frustrations they sent me off to Garvey college and bound the slope I was there for three and a half months and I went back to Navin for my Christmas holidays and I hooked up with the girl I was going out with before I was sent away it was a very very highly charged evening and I felt there's something XJ been added on to my life no I wasn't like the other boys now I had I'd bet I'd left Navin I've been away I'd been to balan a slow way [ __ ] he - [ __ ] ray Fiennes were so highly charged evening her parents went out for the night she took me upstairs to her bedroom and the two of us got undressed I think of that night now attends a shiver up my spine I can never believe that I was first of all I couldn't believe that I was actually 16 I can never believe that I was with a naked 16 year old girl and if I knew then what I know now I would have stayed longer I would have till the dude was down in there Nick okay and I have an erection okay right not now I'll give you all a moment to look there you go check it out so I've got an erection I'm trying to make her a feel kind of comfortable you know women don't understand the men get erections all the time you don't have to be feeling particularly run B to get them you just [ __ ] get them all hours of the day and night you wake up in the morning first thing what have you got an erection why I know Jenna might be no vagina lying around the blossom you got lhasa rental app for a better clock so I'm trying to make her feel comfortable all she could seize is thumping blood head in front of her so she makes me lie down in the cat on the bed she sits across my thighs says Tommy we're not gonna go the whole way cuz it's too risky I went right what are you talking about we're staying here is that what you mean now it's a big night for her to know a few ladies remember this in your and your in your grown-up life but remember the night that it were you with in this kind of situation and you weren't going to have sex but you wanted to be able to whatever it needs to be done you wanted to be able to do it you'd want to be known as the girl who what you know you think the thing that yourself if men can do to themselves it can't be that [ __ ] hard so so she sitting there she's looking Avalon G she's nervous she's not really impressed by its beauty looks like an uncomfortable chicken or something so she's there and she's looking at she's aware that the first touch could be crucial she's theirs she gives it a flick no response she gives it a slap no response she balled it down to one side and she lets us no response aces are a [ __ ] liners golfers she grabs ahold of it like you would a trunk and with a really serious look in her face start to really clean Oh I'm lying on my back on all for [ __ ] sake if only we had some so I show her a thing or two then I I get this kind of this kind of unfamiliar but somehow an mistakable sensation just going kind of kind of open intermediate of us I realize that I'm about to come for the very first time now in the boarding school and garbling I had just finished reading a book called a happy hustler those of you who don't know it's kind of like the it's the brother book to the Happy Hooker it's a short pornographic novella it's about this guy right who has a massive [ __ ] and who travels around America [ __ ] everybody with his massive [ __ ] that's the synopsis should it ever appear in the Leaving Cert so it starts off even when I was a kid I knew there was something different about me we'd be getting changed in the locker room and all the other boys be gone let go what a little you've got the muscle [ __ ] so I decided to [ __ ] everybody with my balls Oh God a typical scenario would be I went to visit my cousin in the country they had a maid she wasn't wearing any knickers oh I took her up to the barn and I [ __ ] her with my Naza paw halfway through she turned to say to me you good as I do I did him but I didn't come inside of the onui I pulled out just in time so I could see the hot spunky spunk the spunk like llama 40 50 feet of spoon the barn was drenched spoke at a stink oh my girl talk so that's what I was expecting I turned to the girl I said listen listen to me quick we don't have much time number one when it comes out don't not just cause it's ralston heart secondly could be tightly about the thighs I was explaining kind of a high-velocity Kalashnikov type of Jack elation oh I was worried about being propelled from underneath her body i through the door and into the bathroom ah I see my parents womp post J's off can you imagine my disappointment I didn't so much come as my [ __ ] cuffed I've something stuck a bit rosier I don't know what it is you do it more liquid from a camel retching in the desert if you can imagine a one-eyed mouth weeping thus Harper talking about I don't know any women in the room notice us men think you're fantastic in our kind of as a kind of species individually here [ __ ] hard work but other species men think women are amazing and and we have very different reactions to bushi you know a group of women could be standing around together sewing or smelling things and a lovely man would walk past and it's kind of seen as a thing of celebration it's kind of would you look at him in the big strong Lana and I gave him the old butterfly eyes and it's even good enjoy on a group of men can be Sun and Fleming on a dwarf or something ant a beautiful God is in the details okay I had and a beautiful woman walked past and it's not blood I think it's [ __ ] painful what do you know what you want where are Jesus Christ but in general we think you're fantastic you know and some of the the best nights of a man's life are ones where his woman friend very hard to negotiate these hazards and his woman friend person equal in everything lovely Bing wiser more radiant Buddha thing woman I have no view lady anyway and when your guys those nights when she those perfect nights that you know she's been out with a friend or two should I bought new wine or something no she comes back it's about quarter past twelve or something you've been in the house all evening right you've put the kids to bed you've filled the dishwasher without being asked to Little Miracles everywhere under and she comes in and she has that kind of an glint in her eye and she takes off her koushin she drops it to the floor and you're gone she says there'll be no coats being picked up in here tonight sailor and you don't know what the [ __ ] you've done to deserve this special treatment and you're afraid to speak in case you [ __ ] it up so she undoes the buttons of her browser to dun da da da da dum dum da da da I've been drinking opens up her Blasi then she pulls it under the leafy bits of the brother the bit that goes over the belly of the breast I don't know I've never [ __ ] built one I don't know what they're called and the kasha heart shut your hole bra dodgy she pulls it down and she shows her breasts and she says she says tell me you like them tell me you like them and you're really worried now cuz you have to talk and I like am i through to the next round she she undone the button here pulls down as if the skirt falls to the floor she steps outside Africa and you're amazed that she's so comfortable doing this but you've got to remember not inside even the most tense rigid scared woman there's a big bosom hooker diaunte eros so javascript she turned around she needs at the back of her blouse show you those black slippy knickers you're the ones look like flash coke bum bum ba da da da dum dum Vedanta it's all yours daddy she turns around she says come here come here to me my lovely man mommy's big monkey and you're walking over on that side you're like this but on the east side you and everybody was gone dad it now who's your daddy now you walk over to her she says close your eyes you close them and she kisses you in each eyelid then she says keep them closed it's Christmas and she kisses you the length and breadth of your body you're bathed in pure heat it's like been baptised again inside a human church just say the word and I shall be healed you compare those to those other nights where she comes home after spend an hour in the pub too long we are you confident honest like that rude stairs and very [ __ ] [ __ ] noses what am I gonna do Riya fall around the kitchen looking for something to drink we're here you're plowing up the stairs like something out of Jack and the Beanstalk sleeve I owe you disappear into the bathroom you reappeared half an hour later half dressed half undressed would another [ __ ] on your shoulder you're the one hanging fruit like a psychotic Tish standing there in the silhouette of the door thinking you're the queen of [ __ ] sheba we're lying in bed what the [ __ ] am I gonna do you've got children you pick up the youngest one you put him in the middle you're the best I look buddy she strolled or bricks the child by the scruff of the neck [ __ ] about the door spins you over onto your back you get an erection as a fright she clappers her way up on top of you next in your insider and she's grain - hey hey grinding away as if she's trying to rob you out yeah cop insider and you think what good can come from such a mucky embrace we do live on a blue ball in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows we're here but we're still capable miracles you're coming inside there's drunken auger a nine months later another little hero ascent sent down to russia life it's often me focusing you very much and good night

Channel: A Jester

Views: 1,267,001

Rating: 4.6873264 out of 5

Keywords: tommy tiernan live 2002, first dvd, live 2002, tommy tiernan, declan moffit, full, stand up comedy, young tommy tiernan, new, rare

Id: ylF-cNIQZlo

Length: 76min 13sec (4573 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 12 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/ramblerandgambler]

You may think I'm exaggerating but early Tommy had flashes of Pryor at times, close to genius.

[u/cyberpants]

This was his only really good set. Quality stuff tho