Dara O'Briain - This is the Show ( Дара'О Брайан - Это Шоу !) на русском языке

ladies and gentlemen please welcome on stage Daraa o3 Hawaii ladies and gentleman welcome to the hammers of the following good form there's a big show tonight these are big cess which is supposed to look like the Hollywood Bowl when in fact looks like the opening titles to rainbow didn't work out quite as we planned us because that makes me look like bungle so it is right to be here good to have you people arrived again sorry hello hello good to have you here I know it's mortifying business because everyone can see yeah you kind of do the something is possible which i think is impressive hello run even looking at me I could be told my name is act like yes and his wife is now hitting him me I was talking to you for the entire good to have you here my friend sorry we had to start the show on time listen it is a pleasure that you like to be here this is a show there will be some messing around some stories some chat there would be chat there would be trash don't fear the chat some comics are really rude and mean and they go look at you and the picking Yin I don't do that [ __ ] cuz you know a well a because I'm not that kind of karma can be you know you have to be nice you have to be nice comedy generally these days has to be nice didn't always have to be nice but then Frankie Boyle and Jonathan Ross [ __ ] it off the nice Charlotte I'm nice ludicrous it is gone ludicrous because I really all the television shows are really nervous about offending anyone oh god I hope it'll defender of the Daily Mail don't get really angry I would stuff to said on the show I've got to do a stupid extent for example I was on a show which you never tinker this kind of contact this morning do you know this morning on itv4 of you have heard of this morning we just been running an ITV for like 25 years of this ace Phillip Schofield and Holly you know that one don't you there you go more honestly rather than work Noda I work I'm um I'm contributing to the nation's GDP I don't sit around all day wanking and watching Schofield you know dick show right I was on it and I was plugging mock the weakest one of these things were they sent him a clip one of these clips of the show there's a bit of banter I went joke joke joke joke right and I thought I'd be good and they showed him the show and when they showed it went joke joke joke stop however the [ __ ] is a last joke that's a bit weird not to include the last joke but I didn't say anything during the interview but afterwards I'm in the hot tub with Schofield and he's doing my back so I'm relaxed so I feel like I share I think no after they say you did a first covered or to the producer says what happened to the last joke would you leave out that last joke and they genuinely went well the last joke was about the potential famine and the lawyers here felt it was probably better if we didn't include that sure this is the Irish potato famine of 1845 18-49 and I looked at the red that's probably wise cuz I know a lot of those cases are still working their way to the court at the moment that in particular flower tea versus the blight will be a landmark who equally wrote a newspaper article during the year and is writing but something having become very popular and in sport and I chose a similar a metaphor for something suddenly to be very popular I said it has spread like mmm and I wanna come up with it is spread like swine flu was what I wrote right this is back on swine flu was hot right and I was [ __ ] off when I opened the paper and in the paper they had changed it in the paper to it has spread like wildfire that is a cliche my friends and I don't use cliches and I rang up and said what you do with swine flu and you Manta Daraa people die of swine flu and I went people died in wildfires the Delian wildfires all the time not sure quite they're getting less sympathy than the [ __ ] at the heavy cold that sees it mind you I do do self occasionally self-censor Tonight Show for example features no jokes about religion no I know and this in a year where area any sentence involving the word pedo and Nazi automatically is a topic of joke about religion an easy one but don't think we haven't gone that well enough for mocked a week any SI no doing no jokes of religion there are a number of reasons for that firstly as a topic it bores the whole off me I I could give a shout out I'm an atheist although not an angry atheist if you're into God good luck to you with the hoping ah boss no no no I'm only teasing commodities you would have a bet you can pay the money on the other side holes I chose a tough what did you show over the punchline of that particular joke which is something I would like you like you not to get into your head that the thing to do over the course of the night but [ __ ] it let's engage [ __ ] okay so Pizza Shack [ __ ] event don't you take what to say [ __ ] PC let's go fresh yeah [ __ ] the PC brigades in there okay ah yeah right all those bastards with their manners and good courtesy and grabbing their secretaries RS are calling me paddy actually I'm all right with PC a large part of attack you very much I don't have a problem with it boy make you [ __ ] slag si good to have you here my friend nice to know that you're ready to get involved at a moment's notice with any kind of easy political rants that you like to throw out you tell me how I'm doing on your [ __ ] barometer you weighed your hand for the entire game thank you oh well you know you're going too far this way down oh but now like that you do that for me but would you do it on the inside okay No the reason the other reason I don't do jokes are religion and this might be specific for right now and in this country if you do do routines I used to do like the Catholic and Protestant routine or the what is another oh yeah the Lord's Prayer routine thousands of lovely routines right but if you do them now you genuinely get members of the Christian Right coming up to you after gigs are online and going oh yeah they love saying this but they love cygnus ha you'll make jokes about the Catholics you'll make jokes about the Protestants but you won't make jokes about the Muslims will ya no you're not that brave to make jokes about more since I know a great little comedian man to make jokes with umbels all the Christians or they're an easy target which all Vigil Torah the Muslims right they [ __ ] love that which I always say there are two reasons I don't do jokes of Muslims a I don't know a [ __ ] thing about Muslims be neither do you frankly I could research and write the greatest Muslim base material you've ever heard hey what's up with the big golden horse that comes over the hill once a year and has a cake to the kids what's that all about and you know me they're gone is that a thing I've never heard a thing oh geez II really nailed the Muslims there dar well-done gratulations why they apologies to any Muslims in the room who now sitting there going golden horse [ __ ] idiot I've never heard a dollop read the book cover-to-cover I've never heard of that all right so there will be chatter will be bits of Brandon banter and I will occasion just Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing and go for it for god sake please don't could be worried about in any way for example Bing just because you're right there a one in the middle what's your name champ Kyle you're Simon Simon good to have you here are you a local Simon you really your London man yourself something would you do for living silent before you answer the question here's an important point if a comedian ever ask you what you do for a living don't worry about telling the truth we don't give a [ __ ] what you actually do for a living these are the baby steps of a relationship it's just a I'm not gonna wake up beside any of you tomorrow morning and go you said you're a pilot that bugger raised me after a one-night stand with an audience member you know vulnerable that's satisfied so I wouldn t be tender with me right it's a time time what do you do you're a builder your builder Simon like them my father and my father before me at seven are six do you look at your soft hands you have soft down Simon or do you have hard calloused hands from the placing of bricks calloused hands are they Simon look at them you're more of a man who manages builders aren't you rather than the manager of the building himself it's safe to say from the nodding from everyone who knows you in the front going this [ __ ] wouldn't know a spirit level if it came up and bit him in the arse add something have you ever put a brick on top of another brick have you know your wife says no you might if you've never done anything but you do most your bidding he said houses or is it is it for what is it you deal with variety a variety or you build theatres what the [ __ ] is that people book you to build one thing they don't arrive in ago what's that well it's a giant rubber slide quite a variety what's a weirdest thing you've ever had to build Simon it is a tough one but the questions will get tougher as it goes along tire ones you'll be reaching for receipts your accountant will be in your live a lawyer coming in for that stage this is all a setup Simon we've been waiting to trap you for years we finally push trucks cheap Irish labor for generations at this stage how do you think you got seat aah as easily as you did all of you narrow in the front we're going you know about the thing that I did that time and I think oh this is taking on a whole other air this gig now it's a really victimizing gig no son we don't we don't we do wonderful work Fanta what's the weirdest thing you've ever been general you've done satellite installation stations for the United Nations Navy oh you've got a sentence out really well sure relations with the United States I can't even say it twice that's amazing I feel like a syllabus for small children all and she sells seashells at the satellite installations agent for the United a good are you at um twist is my friend that's fantastic we didn't expect it so is that how you entertain the boys around the for easier when they're ready to do a bit of work lads I'll try this one mmm satellite installation stations over the isolations anyway something good to have you here some and there may be brick related questions I want to ask you in which case I would come to you and you'll probably ring a guy who knows about them right the way we work good to have you here settle into the gig thinkety thinkety biggety biggety Bing what's your name champ Dave how are you Dave Dave are you London are you from South originally from South London but that's somehow disqualifies you from the question are you allowed you're from London for [ __ ] sakes how much does one achieve London or start as if not originally from London Dave you are really picky how South London was it Kent okay not London alright excited in London as a tail but what do you do days you're a brain surgeon come on I know yet I know you're not I know you're not you're playing again you're right you go for something crazy and I believe it really what's the biggest brain you've ever searched on know what news is it go on what is it let's see how far you can take this you're the one who chose brain search we're gonna go for the bun we're gonna play the bullsháá game don't come to me with brain surgeon I get first answer go plumber for [ __ ] sake look a brain surgeon really what's the worst thing you've ever found in there when you've opened a shop in front something really strange in there a spanners there are Sopranos in a my genes as well as the Latin term for finding spanners inside a man's head the most of charges in medical school all those years ago Elin spanner spanner right how many spanners were in the head a fair few yeah you don't a narrow down at this day was there any brain in there at all is the brain like a soup when you open it up yes yes it is in what other ways is it like I said which soup is it most like minestrone oh we're back in the Italian again really it's artichokes is that what you're saying essentially there's like he alphabetti spaghetti the brain is like a ton of alphabetti spaghetti you'd pop the top off and you can spell out your name in it like this is that what the way works like on the insides we're getting into the human brain is fantastic it's a pleasure to have you here my friend a genuine brain surgeon very noisy brain pain in the middle of the gig he's here to do yes seriously somebody with a headache come to him and watch him go no no I'm not I'm not more math Fresno's before we go is a man who came in late how are you ser you well fine how are you what's your name sir how your des des where you from you're from submarine okay what do you do my friend you're a handyman really are you looking for a bit of work because I know a guy who is a building site they has any repair and he'd be done lodges are happy they're thrilled to have you there because he couldn't do any take right he couldn't wire a plug can you wire a plug can you now and again okay grant why do you have lapses or something you should all have a wire plug and then your head turn comes back because I know a guy who's a brain surgeon okay okay there's a guy here for James by the way how do you hook you're missing any Spanos that's a major pressure graph to the shape because if you are because Dave is a genius at Edith's Panero which is the operation to remove spanis but I don't forget anything you [ __ ] I don't forget a single thing you say Chapel attack what they actually want to talk to you about we will be back to me there will be bits where I want you to tell for story so please get involved with that little make a memorable gig however what do I want to talk to you about I during the year had an usual experience because I ended up at a student party right one night right and I love interest II I know yeah tragic is this I've okay this you can party in a decade right but I did a gig in Cambridge in some lad came up to me and said hey will you come back to the house we're having a meeting of the Cambridge whiskey drinking association I went oh that sounds fancy and he goes no it's not these group of lads and they all pitch in for Quidditch and buy a bottle of single-malt whiskey right Chris you know rare but lovely guys real comedy nerds and I went back I was chatting to the lads and during the conversation I know there were three girls are made - there's old first year in college about 18 19 years old and I'm chatting to the three girls about college life and this and that and then I made an observation I hadn't actually formally made which was that nothing was passing between me and the girls there was no electricity no vibe no chemistry no potential nothing was past it the three women were looking at me in a kind of a this is very nice I wonder who he's here to collect that's shattering but I know it had to happen in your arms like nothing blank It was as if I'd forgotten to turn on the Bluetooth in me [ __ ] no pain was coming off the girl I wasn't looking for it I'm married with a kid I wasn't hunting it down but nonetheless it's slightly disappointed you know they weren't even registering a sexual device in the room nothing was covered after right and similarly about a few weeks later I went to a doctor's appointment and I was checked with the doctor about stuff on a chat room and I said we do an MOT on me I'm in my late thirties now let's see how I'm doing so your mind is a big test on me runs a load of things and then comes back with a big serious face on I said what's wrong and it goes well your cholesterol he says your cholesterol is very high alright now my test was Lou Dugas pick a number and double this type high right Blaze's know what it meant no and what what does it mean what does it mean I looked and what does that mean I've got butter for blood that's what of means a report of a blood you might look to me and goes not quite is it not quite I was chosen as a ridiculous example I know what part of that wasn't the opening negotiation in a sister here what is not quite but what spreadable Margery what if I go to my veins at the moment and you man look something goes I can't believe and I said well it's not butter yeah he was no I can't believe you're not dead yet I've had a look at the figures you should be dead now besides which stuff going on about butter we've had this conversation for 10 minutes and you've mentioned butter nine times and every time you do your eyes open you start to salivate that could be the problem right there but there is you first this is important the 19 year old girls by the way that if you've ever had a conversation that involved the word cholesterol you don't get to wonder why the 19 year old girls don't seem to be in any way interested in you right this good rule for life lads you know if you're hot let's just participate if you're using a special marjorine boys no more 19 year olds for you right people right that's how you open the fridge if your floor is blue no 19 year olds for you right but the other issue I went was I said you know what we're going to do when he says well I'm afraid there are two things you can do plan a is a drug called statins and we'd have all heard of statins by the time we die there'll be one of these drugs a discipline that we have heard about this at all my god the statins as statins up we'll all hurt the stands but your man goes you take these drugs and you take them every day until you die and I would no [ __ ] way man no [ __ ] way I'm a young man I'm not eating myself into the situation where I need drugs for life what Plan B instead a harsh regime of exercise and I said let us agent Lee reconsider plan a angry the way you hit Plan B behind plan a going forward reject van a out of hand and then you spring me with a genuinely priggish Plan B right no one wants to do the exercise no was he back in the gym on the machines that do this or do this or do something while some prick from the gym in a little blue t-shirt with the logo sewn onto it goes are you having a good workout when you go and he goes are you having a balanced workout and you go well I haven't fallen off the machine yes what balance is I intended to achieve over the course of this workout what do you mean balance they love this [ __ ] in the health industry [ __ ] like you Dave doctors like you pounding this [ __ ] down our throats all the time they love this budget or you've gotta have a balanced workout there are three types of fitness there aren't three types of fitness it's only a type of fitness if you can't Bluff it there are two types of fitness what strength for the lifting of heavy things and stamina for the holding of heavy things when the place you're going to put the heavy thing isn't quite ready for the heavy take two you better go to that okay the third one suppleness flexibility ask my arse it touch your toes yes I can touch my toes I've got knees remarkably easy to touch your type I have semi collapsible limbs that makes the job almost facile when it comes to touching my toes look there's one set there's the other job job right nonetheless I had to pick an exercise which is a chore right I went through all the different options I eventually fixed on cycling I thought this would be the one I'll do I'll go cycling right I like because this is kind of because when I was 15 in Ireland we had this guy called Steven Roach who won the Tour de France right and as a teenage boy I went oh wow and he's a hero to me and I always wanted that bike that skinny bike with a drop handlebars and here we go right south finally I can do this does anyone here ride a bike okay maybe I'll broaden that out of it does anyone here own a bike no let me narrow it down now is there anyone here married to or living with somebody who spent a lot of money on that bike and that has me down to the carriage and at least a year at this stage you're my people you're my people right there did he buy the shorts as well and then he bought the shorts too didn't it and walk through the house go look at that Mary's not fantastic for glass miss lifts and holds Mary you're a lucky woman I've still got you always by the short and you go out you think you're an athlete I would note the first day on the bike out of Richmond Park cycling around the park and then like a thirsty you know when you get thirsty as a punter you drink buffering you're an athlete another thing you got a bike in the short you rehydrate time on the bike I put my hands on the handlebar I reach into the frame of the bike pull the bottle out and while cycling pompous pompous to push the fluid into my system fast then I released forgetting to disengage the bottle from the corner of my mouth so what I did this it popped out creating a vacuum which instantly sucks the fluid by got my throws out of my mouth into the button again I effectively rinsed myself out when I took the bottle away it was as heavy as it had been when I initially introduces it to the situation but I didn't fall i wobble wobble ferociously I was all over the road but if in fall you don't fall when you're at speed you fall when you're static you fall when you're in trafficking you fall when you're at the light you fall when there are others around to see you fall you fall off a menopause of the purchased expensive bike that you don't really know how to use and you fall slowly because if you're at speed you can go to here down to here and the momentum will carry around but if you're static if you go to here that's enough for gravity to go I'm having you slowly enough time for people to go whoop timber can go down look at this is hilarious I gonna marry Mary come here go park the car you've loads of time come on the most importantly to do when you're falling off a bike is make the face make the face this is vital this is the face mm that's the thing mmm that's invite if you don't know people have a reflex they have to go back atcha and you got good Legos you would go for like no follow me cells oh oh here we go Oh happens the best of us that makes it okay when you look blue people look at you and they go no as well oh well you know and then their head it goes wah wah wah and that makes it all okay you could try to stop yourself falling but that's impossible because the man who sold you the bike and the short also soldier the shoes the special magical cycling shoes that clip on to the pedals for the official efficient transfer of energy from ties to the bike but you can't get them off the pedals because you keep forgetting the 30-degree Fred Astaire unclip the angle that you have to do and you're falling off a bike you can't remember that because half your brain is gone oh Jesus you're falling you're falling make the face make the face so you kick you kick furiously but you're strapped to the pedal to the energy goes down one pedal and then up the other pedal and now you're shaking you're making this face you're making the face but people look as you're going Jeezy's having a fish shaking all over the face and they're gonna go give the epileptic a bike it must have been the traffic lights that set him off and mommy is hurting it hurts when you hit the ground I've had back injuries how many people here I've ever had back pain majority loads of people are touch or cuz you don't know what to do with it what they do Apple out I can't handle this right it's a [ __ ] nightmare everything back pain I was whining about one back injury for a while to mate to mine for so long event you and Jesus there's a chiropractor near me go get yourself checked out I said is he good he said I don't know you go check yourself out and you can well I'm here with my review it's voodoo that's my review of chiropractic it's voodoo a precaution built in they lie you down and the new clickety click click pop clickety probably kick pop tick-tock pop on your backing then the guy stood me up stood me in the room looking away he went behind me reached over my shoulders grabbed my head and went crack deliver you they're gone I wonder what's happening talking hell expect us no doctor just that I never seen any trained medical professional do that I've seen Jason Bourne DUIs I've seen Bruce Willis do it in a die hard movie I've never seen a die hard movie where he sneaked up behind somebody and gone Kraken and they've gone Jesus that's fantastic thanks very much but you've really reduces that up I'd a knot of tension there for years that's all gone now Oh should I was the only reason I got into terrorism was the dole nagging pain in my neck thank you John McClane for releasing me from that and my fears were confirmed by a made wine Simon Singh who wrote an article for The Guardian a couple years ago pointing out that some chiropractors claim to cure infant colic and asthma and ear infections in young children right and he said there's no evidence for this this is bogus and the entire organisation of chiropractors sued him for libel right and the case dragged on for two years and got hundreds of thousands of pounds and they eventually backed down because they had no case as a waste of time and ludicrous kind of nonsense thing to do right and all of you got very angry because of the medical implications or because of the legal implications me my reaction was much more of a gut feeling of what manner of Egypt brings an infant to a chiropractor never met an infant agon how are you feeling and the kids gone I'm [ __ ] not as stubborn they got over the cot this morning trying I can't move stop with a bent over to pick up a Peppa Pig I couldn't go down aww I'm a martyr to me back a martyr choke a playgroup in an hour John how the [ __ ] I'm gonna get through that I do I am aware by the way at this stage it just sounds like everything I talked about is either back pains are becoming old or having cholesterol and needing to ride a bike a lot I'm not decrepit by the way I will see to the end of the gig right I'm not gonna die in fact not a boast but in the last year I have saved lives took your time about - we are gonna offer you as obvious a panto moment if I flag it up with a dame and if somebody dancing behind your eyes it's not that easy claim to make how many people here can do it has anyone here ever saved your life yeah I've seen loads of hands go up like you have you have you have you what ready what you do for a living your fireman well that's your job ready to shimmy down the poles go up slide down that you prick you course you probably save tree in the way here today you're probably juggling orphaned oh here get them out of the fight the only way to carry three babies at a time but the orphanage is burning down I've done that a little ant there I can't compete with you you'll always win this game I'm looking for punters who is a punter has ever saved a life okay that woman there what did you do you saved a child but from what from a swimming pool or was it were those meter who's that creeps up on children I am Jojo was a child in the pool at the time she fell into the pool were you in the pool you were sunbathing near the pool when the child went in is your child by the way no okay gran what did you do you dived in after the child that's the correct answer rather than I looked going Jesus there must be a parent around here somewhere this will disgraceful the way some people raise their children today alright I'll get off rice so you crossed over to rid of 2ja how deep was the water very deep yeah give me a [ __ ] number fairy tea where's our food by there was a hotel somewhere in there to me isn't I beat that right okay how deep is the water ten foot a 10 foot hotel room no good even that for a second test that you're staying at a hotel exclusively built for Olympic class diving facilities public four-foot wasn't it was [ __ ] four-foot and you just did this get out of there now that's the level of life-saving you achieve righteousness what does the kiddie pool it monster kiddie fill us with his welcome give her a red floor she gave her child from drowning in facebook in that much of water she risked her own life she fought a torrent of water up to three and a half foot deep to save that child you're a legend my friend who here's ever safe distantly who's ever saved the life gone you man and what did you do you get blood okay I'm giving the impression that that woman had achieved nothing but I'm recalibrating that after your shitty contribution to this debate right give blood you lay there and then they give you a biscuit cheaper wretch for her story rice and you got a cup of deodorant as well didn't you I mean baby blood is bait me bill for angle but would you as an adult give baby blood how did you do that time paradox did you achieve too few what is your bullet special blood what is the rhesus negative or something and this or so it's all negative is this you also be give to babies and everything do you I do they bring you into hospitals when there are baby emergencies in you go don't worry I shall save you to save you is one biscuit and a cup of tea that's all I need we're gonna bless you did the right thing good for you baby we'll have you ever met any the babies who received your blood no you don't they don't keep you in touch would you feel a sense of ownership would you would you see this you may hate fast Richie I own you you're mine you're mine that's it with the toy in his hands alright a more action-packed story anyone here ever you what do you do you friend mine broke a leg his own leg one of his two legs or broke somebody else's leg good - whose legs did you break she broke her leg yeah how you recycling and she fell off the bike and she broke her leg a Jonas died a broken leg - chain what else happened because broken leg is broken leg and it's a serious thing but very rarely bigger go oh she broke her leg and we just had to put her down I make us cuz you were clapping - anyone anymore we put screens around her and just shot her in the head and I was the most humane sage is your friend a horse in this particular storage and know what did you probably have to do you rang the doctor you rang a hospital oh you're a [ __ ] legend you are even worse than I give blood as a story you physical to do anything the analyst has taken too long so you did wash you carried her when you say friend special friends special friend now not even after that does a bloke have to do these days to nail one of his roommates he pushed her off the bike to create the accident then you get Lee right the hospital Bluffton boat oh they can't get her I shall carry you how far did you carry her a mile yeah yeah it's okay you know I'm not sure to what I sent you actually saved order but nothing let's give her a round forty character back right here's a problem has anyone here John CP or so we're going you deceive you are you trying to do to you a nurse or doctor you wanted ambulance call right when they trained you'd see if you're this is a question I always ask people might see if you're is a very simple question what song did they use to train you Nellie the elephant eye is the fact I only learned on this tour they use Nellie the elephant to train people in CPR I can't think of anything that would lower your authority more in a life-saving situation then pushing through a crowd going please back away I am trained in cardiopulmonary resuscitation if you just give me some space thank you very much Nellie the eleven factors of chivalric Liberty I can't think of any can you ask me the family or the vertical what the [ __ ] you do to be down I asked a woman a margaery said I did CPR is that what song does he used to train you she goes oh you know the one from Dumbo no you can't just so shoot any elephant bass song into that now what inciting though is it's no longer Nellie the elephant there has moved on there is now a new song for the training of CPR what is a new song for the training of CPR stay alive by the Bee Gees not making that up you're now supposed to push into the crowd to go back away back away back away ha ha ha ha it only works if you take the patient's arms move one of them down to his hip and move the other one plug it straight up don't get the wrong BG son you don't want to be leaning over somebody going tragedy here's my story to people I save two peoples lives at the same time genuinely true story right don't be impressed that's fair enough rice to people in Piccadilly Circus tube station in London last summer there's a complete true story I'm on the escalator the down escalator I'm on my way down to the bottom a woman at the bottom does a thing which no one has done in about a hundred and twenty years where she fails to successfully navigate that awkward transition between escalator and planet Earth your little stepping that nickel Kenneth that little raise she catches herself on that Clicquot and goes down right she hurts us her bangs her knee the bloke behind her doesn't have time to react he clatters across her injuring or more the woman behind him has just enough time to step to one side and land beside her go oh my god are you okay and she would know I've hurt by me quite badly taxi and then the two of them turn look up and go no because now I am being fired towards them at an incredible speed Oh the [ __ ] they're gone they're - there's no getting out of this situation they're in office days I'm gonna be like a bowling ball and they are skittles I'm going to send them without them all over the tube stations as my blood and got no amount of baby blood it's going to save these two through them with my book the two of them are looking up at me going ah try to imagine the boulder at the start of Raiders of the last hour that's what I must have looked like to them as I'm looming over them blocking out life my shadow falling onto their faces oh you're gonna die which didn't help the mood in any way whatsoever you're gonna die oh and then I did a thing I did an incredible thing a thing that you know the time you saw the child in the pool you had to say you know the time that your friend twisted her ankle that time when you're cycling and you decided gravy to piggyback her all the way to the hospital anyway I didn't take an incredible thing I would like to save these woman's life I did an amazing thing on a saying you couldn't George I'm missing you whenever the quickness of thought whether you wouldn't have the physical dexterity to do the thing that I did in that moment to save these women's lives I did an incredible thing I turned around and started to walk back up the escalator when is nice and starting to flow through snow coming towards me in the same speech what are you doing I would know anyway what are you doing I said there's a woman injured so he turned around another two of us I walk inside like that just riding along I'm going to tell everyone get on a turnaround yeah if you can if you could turn on for [ __ ] and everyone on the escalator at the turnaround they're all just hovering in space the entire escalator up to the top is just floating going but for how long how long you're doing this right I can only dream of how it looked to the other escalator the genuine up escalator which is rammed with commuters just go and pass gone but this is the one this is the one laughs what the [ __ ] you doing over there this storm that goes all the way up are you lost salmon or something we're saving lives people saving lives this is what saving lives looks like it's an incredible story I accept that an inspirational story an amazing story however sometimes they're not as inspiring at all first time I ever asked the question a bloke in a gig here in London raised his arm I went I've saved your life I said what happened I told an amazing story told the story of a time that he was on the jetty in a harbour and there's somebody stepping off a boat and as he stepped off the boat the water surged and pushed the boat out there was like toss right and the guy stepped off into nothing where the jetty had been was now back there and now he stepped into the water and he's gonna die because what happens when the book when the Buddha Serge was down the boats gonna come crashing back in again I was gonna crush the guy up against the jetty your man wasn't having any of this he ran over and grabbed the guy's arm and pulled him out of the water and plunked him down on the jetty beside him massive round of applause huge font a nice round of applause I went oh my god it's amazing I looked him that is incredible and the guy went now is our righteousness why is that not incredible knee went well he was a prick are we gonna be we're worried ladies and gentlemen oh yes the 19 year old girls that's our song no no here's a different situation and the situation is very common in my life where I now find myself often in the company of women just me a load of women right please it's not what you think hey what's wrong with you people with your dirty mind sighs no it's me and mothers right and by which I mean literally mothers rather than you [ __ ] mother hey I said okay I'm sorry I'm still me because I love you were into milfs in a huge way I'm sad this is what I spent these days every week I spent a lot of my time but 11 o'clock in the morning or it's me and mother mother mother mother mother mother mother at these classes called dramarama or jimmy limit ding-dong these classes you go to with a toddler in order to tire the [ __ ] out didn't I mean to increase their coordination and social skills no tired of [ __ ] out for their sleep and you can drink some wine and when I go it is literally me the only grown-up male there and mother mother mother mother mother and they look at you mothers look at you when you're the only man a kind of up what are you doing here in our sacred mothering space with your penis public implicitly with your penis rather than hope you're doing with your penis drum around as we taste apply to drumsticks there's no need to take that collectively I have to say this mummies are [ __ ] they really are oh I'm sorry I don't mother walk up to me once at a swimming lesson ago you may not change with your daughter I meant how dared you there was a natural normal thing for a father and a child to change together course I would change my daughter there's nothing weird about her strong how dare you even imply that is something wrong with that and home and look to him it it's the woman's changing room who are you to a place of structures on a child's mind why don't you when the other mummies just go back to the showers and I'll just sit here and finish my cigar so I don't go just webbing lessons anymore no I now go to soft play areas which are these arenas which are specially built and all padded so the kids can run into things and not hurt themselves and then they run into each other and your ex I would some stranger parent and you have to do this real oh oh are they okay at the ground are they okay I define they all right or they all right you know Oh bit of rough-and-tumble doesn't do them any harm in the long run a few tears now it'll be fine it'll be gradually finally grad that's what you say but on the inside you're going my kid home jerk is you turn into John king of the bouncy castle captains are over here who's next goodbye giant I either go there or pet shops which are of course a free zoo and people who work in ketchup know this and they look at you're going you're not gonna buy a thing are you can you walk look at the fish come on look at the video I look at the fish for half an hour because daddy's hungover to [ __ ] so you look at the fish go arrest by having a terrarium now I'm aware that it is actually slightly risky for a comedian to talk about these kind of topics right these are the ones that actually can a lien eight people because a lot of people there's certain age you don't have kids don't want to hear about this right they can look more Kishor sentimental that's not what I'm kind of trying to achieve and particularly say well it's go very very very very young uuuuuugh to their rights what age you to 14 and you you're 14 as well okay granted little I can do right now you are perfect right this kind of is your teenage boys 14 you don't want to hear something but I'm sorry am i interrupting your recording illegally of my show I'm loving the raisins act like we have nine cameras but you don't know the phone the phone will capture the moment better than any possible major production thing that we have no go for no go for it I'd like to you've been run as an extra your view what's your name yogi Johnny is Johnny yeah Johnny will have joy as an extra Johnny's view of the show which is like that just cause they're like no Johnny you're gonna use you as ambassadors for a young men in the audience right just for a second because you don't want to hear stuff about babies I know that I know that you don't to hear that that's not as rare and instinct as most play as you might imagine how many people there's a test I run every night how many people in this room think babies are cute how many people in this room think kittens and puppies are cute yeah every night the kittens and the puppies win they're gonna show 120 times every night the kid is never even a debate the kittens trans babies and something really [ __ ] up on an evolutionary level we find the young of other species to be more appealing than the young of our own right not just kittens not just puppies lambs ducklings baby crocodiles you're ever in a plane and an air hostess wrench I'm afraid you will be sitting next to a baby and you automatical I shall not miss my holiday is where now and then she goes a baby crocodile you go you be feeding it rashes all the way through the Flies come on snappy have a bit of bacon there you go oh oh monkey get out it is just you know we don't like that much it yeah here is another thing I'm not gonna be sentimental but trust me in any way in fact I'll give this piece of advice anyone here who doesn't have kids and may have kids in the future there's a little tip for your little habit you could break now something that you trust me you do this you will tightly for years to come very very simple stop using the word dirty in a sexual context damas I'm not judging yet we've all thrown the word in to add a bit of spice to a situation to refresh on to a nice but it will rear up and bite you when you turn to your infant child and go don't do that that's dirty oh you're a dirty girl look at you I just said that's me I'm shy the creepiest thing I have ever done in my life that is hard it's a word that has a proper meaning a proper genuine like no she is another one as well these words and phrases have definite proper meanings and when we subvert them for sexual reasons we ruin them for when we really need them dirty norian do what daddy tells you so no not sentimental but I might be slightly nerdy in the next little bit is anyone here are they nerds in the room okay those in earth could stuff don't fear us non nerds were gentle folk I myself am a nerd I did a degree in science a long time ago right a degree I still get credit for in Chacho Zoran Qi they go oh my god you did a degree in science and I have to go yes I did don't ask me any questions a decade and a half ago I can't remember you can't keep trading on this stuff forever right you'll notice if you've ever played five-a-side football if you ever play five a cypher there's always one bloke going well yeah I had a trials send me professionally but I was 14 you got really because you're not 40 now I a fat prick there's a bit in the last 25 years 14 you'll you be useful we can send them down the wings would you've kind of you know getting the nets and block [ __ ] that's all you're good for now but it does still it does have you know get me angry about things like whatever for example the last show I did right I had a ten minute routine about homeopathy and what a crock of [ __ ] homeopathy is right I don't have any homeopathy jokes in this year's show because I feel if i dilute my homeopathic material it will become much more powerful if you're not that you're a nerd all right sir yeah what got me angry this year and in the last couple of years has been it's been to do with the babies right a bit because the amount of squaws I scientific [ __ ] that's peddled at new parents who don't know any better and are easily frightened is shocking about when the charged sleep or cry or eat or what they should play to it and what you should play with it it's a horrendous industry even before the child is born right no I two young friends hello how are you right I'm going to talk about a thing called an antenatal class I'm taking a wild guess here that you don't know what that is alright say that right now you have a vague idea it's you've seen it but maybe see in the films where there's like a pregnant women there circular pregnant women in the breathing and that's the one that's an antenatal class in this part of the world the classes are run by a charity called a national childbirth trust very commonly known by the abbreviation NCT they'll know trendy comedians in the room but we're abbreviations they can mean very different things in different countries in Ireland for example NCT stands for national car test the is descriptor of the M ot I like a [ __ ] aegis forgot - and walked out at the start of the tour and said so I brought me pregnant wife for an NCT omou recoiled in horror as if to go why would you do that why would you walk her into a garage and go jaysus the handling has gone on this she's all over the mind you the headlamps the headlamps are better than I've ever seen them don't worry about that now you don't do this course because of any the information involved you can get a ton load of different sources you do the course because you'll need other new mothers and this is vital for new mothers having the first baby to have a network a support structure of other new mothers also having their first babies at the same time in the area so they can share with them their total lack of aggregates knowledge or experience if you like the rest of us having a computer helpdesk we'd ring up and go help my computer's [ __ ] that sounds terrible it is how are you I'm all right by dr. Lev repair taking off for each other right the course by the way is also run by midwives now midwives are fabulous people do wonderful jobs but some midwives are surprisingly political some midwives think they're in a turf war with doctors in a don't let the doctors near you kind of away because some mid I seem to have mistaken doctors in the head for Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street actual quote from a midwife don't let the doctors near you with their knives actual quote as if the process isn't scary enough we're thinking doctors are ready to lash out randomly in dark paradise courses also taught in that tone that tomb that I can't don't that okay we're all here together roll just taking our first steps on an incredible journey of life I won't say she goes no surnames no job titles what you do outside this room isn't important right now we're all the same here we're just new parents taking her first peek into a wide new world try to ignore the large bald man of the telly sitting in the corner of the room openly taking notes for use in a future routine all I could do to keep saying we had look is you do things like she handled a homeopathy kit you know for labor pains and a camera into me and I went all ingredients water that'll be handy when you're screaming the face ever why do all the screaming probably dries your throat out of it right and then she gets us some of the genuine signs my two young friends here for example there is a hormone in a woman's body called oxytocin right now oxytocin is a hormone released during lovemaking it is also the hormone that regulates labor right the woman is talking about this and she says oxytocin she says oxytocin is best released in a quiet dimly lit nurturing environment where there are no loud noises or sharp sounds you gonna add not a [ __ ] badger she goes further she says the production of oxytocin will halt will halt if your partner has to answer any difficult questions or make any decisions or perform any rational thought and we're all sitting there gone well that sounds handy just miss did you go into labor in a shopping center or of a mountain oh god I've gone into labor pop quiz or [ __ ] it stopped nice work presumably you can stave off labor using only a Nintendo DS copy of dr. Kawashima's brain training regime and then she gets to a major issue all lads lads lads lads lads you'll do nothing about this but I'm gonna say something here that you've never heard of before in your life never heard of this but when I say it watch out for this when I say something in about a minute's time every woman in this room is gonna make a noise every one of you will make this noise and I'm not proud of the noise I'm about to make you make it's not a good noise I'm going to make you do with this good stuff just beyond the noise as gold but there's a noise barrier and you've got to make the noise to get to that barrier right during the process there is a point where a decision may have to be made I cannot apologize enough between a tear and a cough here's the noise there's the noise I've heard 120 times so far in this tour the noise and also the hands it with any comfort here to 14 years who have an approved what just happened we were sitting in the front row going what do they have to cut them out of their jeans is our happens we get to this important point in the woman's discussing at an inner full-on don't go to doctors near away she goes obvious issue says you should choose the natural path which is a debatable points right but to back up this stance to back this up unbelievers you goes besides which she said besides which a tear heals better then I gosh I'm loving you for that side that exactly the sound we made at the time of her sound what that sounds counterintuitive at best I turn to my wife who is a surgeon although not allowed to say it Advent really she goes no it [ __ ] doesn't the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life what did you think we've been doing for the last 250 years I said would you want a corrector in this if I correct her and this I've got a corrector and everything she said for the last day and a half let's just get the email addresses and get out of here like a friend of my son's a brilliantly a maid of mine his cellphone his wife it just means the whole thing Anna's talking with you days later and I said to him oh my god she said an incredible thing she said a tear he's better than a Kush and your mangoes oh yes oh yes that's very well known now in fact most surgeons these days for the initial incision will use a bear there's an image to get out of your heads this dr. Baird here's a tree doctor hair to take it for three ah Rob Shh what are we doing today appendectomy stand back goodbye Oh doctor bear are you going back to the mess now yes maybe my porridge is cool down by now there's questions there's a question apropos of nothing but how how hello do you cook porridge in one pot on one ring on one stove then doles out into three separate bowls and it goes to three different temperatures somebody explain to me the physics of that situation I'm not getting rice mommy bear your pouch is cold where are you going for a walk coz I've got a heater for your wander in the woods your choice pouch is the right temperature there's a metres breakfast just cos daddy here mister dr. dodgy bear isn't it oh it burns my mouth we're blowing it yep prick put milk into it that's what we do in hot pard you know go for a walk every time but that's what we get all these burglaries all the time and another thing how do you construct a wooden chair mr. handyman tell me this mr. handyman you can took a wooden chair that will take the weight of a full of a baby bear a big roly-poly baby bear and then the little small blonde girl child cydnus that thing collapses under her weight another take how do they even have a baby bear given that he won't go into her bed coz it's too soft come over here mommy bear I will - it's too hard it's not the only thing - too hard sorry they're sorry let's go back to the room we're in the quiet room with the Midwife and all of the couples right and then a ting happens and this is word-for-word the way it happens I love this story every time I tell the story 120 times now I can see his face I can see his face right so we're in the room with the Midwife and she does quite a clever thing where she read a list of all the physical changes that will occur in a woman's body over the course of the pregnancy so the wim there know ah that happened to me er oh that happened to me and it'll demystify them she goes to her list she was some of you some of you may have experienced constipation and in the corner of the room one man raises and it's better than your cake because we went what the [ __ ] [ __ ] and your mind goes we've had - you can imagine her face the look of we I don't think we had that we've shouldered many burdens together over the last eight and a half months but frankly constipation most mornin we all just about recover Anna Miller - later she's going through the lesson she goes some of you she says some of you may have experienced sore nipples oh his arm goes again no one can look every go don't look don't look at that that is a funniest thing that has ever happened that man's nipples are sore because his wife is pregnant look at your shoes Libby to shoot I will die laughing if I look at that man earnestly with his sword tips because his wife is pregnant oh my god that is the funniest thing that has ever happened me I'm checking me nipples I'm just like I'm just seeing if I'm one of the lucky ones I've dodged a bullet I'm alright and say to my wife this is actually quite pleasant this might get me through the labor to be honest and we're all going Oh God do another one do another one do another one do another because we know this game is about to end there we're about to break for lunch like 12 13 the first day when we break for lunch that couple are not coming for lunch with any of the rest of us she is dragging him away to the farthest cafe she can find getting the rustiest fork she could find and ramming into his tie and going nobody else was sharing information about their partners are sort it telling them this stuff you better Zippity zip booty for the rest of the weekend Robert what do one more do one more - one more and you won't only has one or two analyst genomes at the end of her list and she goes some of you some of you may have experienced unusual discharge the whole room just went I just as irony she was funky [ __ ] shut up genuinely I met them since it kills me after okay no we're off the biology young men were off the biology we're just under the culture now right we're after ickiness right there yeah if you have a child this is the thing that everyone says oh you have any child oh you'll have no time oh you'll have no time oh god no you have to give it all you'll have to give up so much you'll have no time anymore people say this here like it's a sacrifice it's not a sacrifice all right we got too much [ __ ] at the moment too much culture too much content - it's tough to keep across right I denied it not long ago this may have happened to any of you try to sleep wife out house to be self what the what they do lady well I watch me - sport I've got 14 sports challenge so don't you a match or a tournament or a game or something I can have a look at it I'll be the house to myself I watch a movie I got 20 movie channels and besides which I'm always playing DVDs let's Rob the DVDs I bought and ever watch a box out of a TV series I haven't seen the end of this cuz I watch a couple of episodes sure am i do the stuff saved onto the sky plus box shootin is 200 channels being pumped live into the house there's no do something no I won't watch a play over three consoles and guitars and one wobble board and also the guns no I won't play I listen I listen to the music I'm always buying CDs I never listen to loud music logo and I just modified mister all the music in the world when I'm online with Facebook or Twitter I read a book I read a book I'm all with my books I never could keep on with the book in the end I watched the last hour of Robocop present in all of the world's culture I panicked and just fell into a fetal position and went back to my childhood again right there's too much stuff and you know what irritating often the same stuff over and over again I'm in a battle with the film I am Legend I only Jane is your typical mere Blockbuster you know you're watching for 90 minutes and then go meh nice but sold to us across a million former soldiers repeatedly sold in the cinemas then on DVD then on blu-ray then on the movie child then on the terrestrial channels also downloaded for the iPod the iPhone and the iPad you can also download it for the Xbox 360 and the ps3 on our smallest for the PSP you can also get I was traveling last year every plane I was on and every hotel I arrived at I am poxy legend with big pitch stepping everywhere for a year I couldn't get away from the film this is the irony it's a film about the last remaining man on earth and still the [ __ ] can't leave me alone for five minutes he's an entire planet to run around and everywhere I go I'm a legends Misbah dog I'm a legend I'm a legends come here play with me I expect to be stuck in traffic and for my Sat Nav to go traffic is very heavy at the moment would you like to watch a bit of I am Legend and it's not just blockbuster stuff we didn't even need ten years ago right mouthwash mouthwash is a product we didn't even need ten years ago it is currently on sale from Listerine it is currently on sale in supermarkets this country in six types of mint neighbor type of mint experiment yeah spearmint did make the Kosh spirit wasn't one of the mint surgeons name another type of mint peppermint peppermint did make the corrida Kuhlman did these new [ __ ] mints cool mint fresh mint clear MIT I bought all six and I racked them up in front of myself like a taste test for the purpose of this show trust me you go any direction in any permutation they're all pretty much mint ice then you've a moment of realization where you go what am i doing it's a mouthwash you use this immediately after you've brushed your teeth everything tastes of mint immediately after you crushed your tea fruit chocolate chili tar macadam a vagina they are obviously the key word is immediately I keep it you buy the best okay anyway so you have a finally an opportunity to walk away from all this choice it's tsunami of choice that we have culturally cuz if you got little kid Nagar I'm out of the game I'm out of the game I don't time to keep up with this I'm God right first thing to go right first major cultural movement I just dropped with new music new music I've gone I couldn't give a damn but new music [ __ ] you Zane Lowe [ __ ] you and every that Sun Radio one girl yeah you got this is 2020 28 when Queen twang [ __ ] you right [ __ ] Luke Pixy Gaga boots whatever you're called Florence the mechanics good luck to you right chere you fight it out amongst yourselves become classic hits I hear you eventually all right I spent a quarter of a century with you're supposed to keep up with this stuff I'm out of the game it is like throwing off a heavy coat and you know it's also good to be out of music snobbery as well to go now and up artist music snobby is the worst kind of snobbery oh you like those noises those sounds in your ear do you like them they're the wrong sounds you should like these sounds in your ear right forces people who like something a bit mainstream like a bit of pop like a bit of girls Aloud or take that or a bit of a bite you know to have to go there my guilty pleasure I hate that phrase right it is an insult to top quality pop it is also an insult tick guilt I might be an atheist now but I did my time with the Catholic Church about guilt and they needed a lot more than gimme-gimme-gimme a man after midnight gives you had to have the man after Midnight's then you can [ __ ] America if you've got a guilty pleasure that'll be something you genuinely feel guilty about you're all my actual guilty by genuine guilty pleasure is I like to use a crowded tube train to touch women it feels wrong but it feels right that's practically the definition of a guilty pleasure particularly good if you can make it seem like it's their fault ah what are you doing cheese buy me dinner next time honey I don't do that alright your walk away thing I don't I don't I just smell them alright that's okay they don't go in the air what are you doing I'm asthmatic maybe smell of warm no new music gone do you know what else went movies movies went as well there's the weirdest thing for me is to love movies my two young friends over here 14 and 15 the huge still filming I'm loving the way you're still doing this we've got to get this stuff and take another DVDs over you know there may be a point with you're physically removed from the room so we need another 14 year to sit there for retakes so when the guy who couldn't stop pirating even though he was repeatedly pointed out him don't Pyrus I can't stop myself I've got to tape us I've got to tape and even blanking of airier bits I taped it's just a compulsion to see the thing ticking over I'm deleting beloved family memories I've got to have this show on tape it's recorded for a DVD how could you not you can watch it glossy in live and shiny with your own face in it it's how much better the version of DV you're in the one we're selling in the shops I know the minute I talk to you he's gotta lose again husband I know I know it's anyway the things that was the best with your record and your chicken dish for that fish pig bit to have any of her work right no if you're if you're only four if you're a drive it's a technic Wes have you seen the Godfather yet you have you seen a vegan Dog Day Afternoon yet have Dog Day Afternoon doesn't ring any bells have you seen a handsome taxi diarrhea oh man you got stuff ahead of the two of you got such gold ahead of incredible movies that you have to watch every it's gonna be brilliant you're gonna love it and so many of them is in 1970s American independent movies 1990s American independent movie 1980s French and continental movies then of course you get to 38 and you've seen them and you're stuck with just a giant shiny robot slinging Megan Fox to a star for a wall right and a kind of doesn't measure up really you know you're gonna go and 3d ask my arse 3d right I'm sigh here's my taker 2d right they tried in the 50s they tried in the 80s they're trying in 2010 once every 30 years it's like tuberculosis it's layers of once a generation you have to zap it with some antibiotics and get on with your life that's what you have to do right don't give your own avatar ooh avatar what a premise oh it picks up or Titanic left off in as much as half the cast are blue Hey nope here's the movie that sums up movies at the moment for me I want you to come with me because the I guarantee the majority won't have seen this film credible film but you won't have seen it write it with the film came out last year it was called 2012 nice now how many of you haven't seen 2012 ok good number the right 2012 in Apocalypse movie was an apocalypse end of the movie like a disaster movie was the most insane over-the-top ludicrously apocalyptic movie entire cities tilted and fell into lava it was just ridiculous you know obviously you know you didn't see us dying right that's one of the things about American disaster movies you know you're dead somewhere in that movie but you never see it right you just see the Hollywood sign and the New York skyline and they're all destroyed you never actually see us I think you could localize them now you know you could put a thing in when the DVD comes out you know you know when you put a DVD in the first time I'll ask you the language you want like English francais suomi and you attempted to click on suomi you know to see what play is in Swami but you're afraid you'll get trapped in an extras menu in Swami and not be able to navigate your way back out again she chickened out if you press English right they could do that you could say I'm watching it in Scots course called London right and then you'd forget about but an hour and a half later they'd just be a scene where a bloke runs in and goes to Fabrice square is [ __ ] and then runs out again although by the way that line I do everywhere in every time I change it for a local landmark this is the toughest time to do it in because for the simple reason if I go Leicester Square is [ __ ] as on drew crowd just go yeah it is really they're really hard to go down so terribly yes anyway it's a ludicrously over-the-top disaster we it is hilarious and it's over-the-top earnest no posh no plush just John Cusack running away from lava for two and a half hours and always just slightly ahead of the lava Oh God lava or Jesus lava quick get into the car he drove off the lava sped up did he get into a plane the lava accelerates again after an hour and a half of this brinksmanship you're going chases John I'm spotting a pattern here rice wanting to hold still for emergency with the lava does that with a cup of tea and go oh Jesus he's called her Bluff quick get back to the hole it was nude they destroy everything that's all on the screen and you're going oh my god have you destroyed everything must be a reason there must be some you must have sat down with geologist or cosmologists or meteorologist to come up with some justification for the greatest apocalypse that we've ever seen no there's one line in one scene at the start of the movie to explain the entire apocalypse and it's not even repeated two or eluded it with just one line right I'm now gonna do this for it this why you have to come with me a bit cuz you won't have seen this but I will make the scene come alive it's India it's a monsoon a man arrives clearly in a hurry he's wearing a suit he's got a small bag he's rushed to be here he's a scientist he's meeting another scientist he goes I came as soon as you called the other guy in a white coat goes we've had some incredible results at which point this bloke should have gone well why didn't you email them to me but we do why instead did you compel me to fly from Washington to India I've been a nine airplanes I've watched I am Legend fourteen times but he doesn't say that he goes oh my god what are they and this bloke delivers the greatest line in the history of cinema some of you won't get as immediately but trust me I will explain it this guy a physicist turns to the other physicist and without any shame or compulsion goes the neutrinos have mutations now for the non nerds here neutrinos are tiny subatomic really really almost massless particles they're released in nuclear breakdowns like in the Sun for example 500 trillion of them pass through your bodies every second count mutation their structure is fundamental to the structure of the universe rice the can't just change he might as well have gone the electrons are angry or the light from the Sun it's gone off [ __ ] dude your Christmas his likes but he doesn't do this he goes the neutrinos have mutated and they're heating up the planet at which point this bloke shoulda gone what the [ __ ] are you saying which I [ __ ] physicists are you a crappy Calcutta University spat UN through the [ __ ] degree the museum whatta did you ask one of the blokes to check your figures and you were to give you a slap in the chops and told you not have get some great a flight in Washington we're in a monsoon with no change of underwear determiners a [ __ ] you trina your pocket aegis he doesn't deliver this speech instead he goes oh my god and runs away from lava for two and a half hours and it's never mentioned again vegetables incredible thing has ever happened in the history of science is never mentioned again people that don't even go when they're running away from the lava ah why they don't even take your ass they just run and scream and or die right even at the end of the movie I know you're taking end of the movie spoiler alert I can't spoil it at they're on a boat for the new dawn they've all survived everything the cinema got up and walked out I was the only aegis in occurs in the Leicester Square with me I'm up going what happened with the [ __ ] neutrinos a week ago they had new chasers and we're heating up the planet how does that change all of a sudden those the most amazing leader of habit in physics didn't happen twice in eight days no scoring sorry about last week boss was giving a bit of grief at work wife was nagging me I lashed out new tasers used up your plows won't happen again yours the neutrinos how did that Trek go away and then you're kind of going if you're just gonna make [ __ ] or if you're just going to suspend our logic then go for Jesus gofer right if you're just gonna go wild then go wide with the tiniest of changes you could read genuinely amazing movie same open scene Rain Man suit bag I came as soon as you called or the guy goes we've had some incredible results this guy goes what are they if at that stage with the tiniest of changes this bloke had just gone the Latinos mutated and they're heating up the planet the days of movie two-and-a-half hours of running away from Gloria Estefan oh no the rhythm is gonna get me get into the car who's that in the rear view mirror its Ricky Martin bam bam ba da da dr. la da da da all over the world's mariachi bands erupting out of the Earth's core la Cucaracha la Cucaracha bam ba da da da da dum and the engine the engine would be the greatest ending in the history of cinema they're on the boat it's a new dawn they've survived the Latino apocalypse of 2012 John Kuzak looks at his wife with love in his eyes and she looks at him with love in her eyes then mounting horror as she raised up her arms and she reels she's got giant multicolored ruffle sleeves off the set of maracas in her hands as she just goes tequila no the end now that's a [ __ ] movie I'd pay money to watch well they don't make them like that anymore however in case you think I'm just being overly negative I'm dropping music on dropping movies there is an artful I'm keeping there's an entertainment industry I am supporting and continuing to support and I'm gonna say this half of the people who will shout out in response and half of the people who don't will be like a bit fat for God's sake Daraa this is the industry video games the game hello to the non gamers were going you're kidding me yes yes I know it's supposed to be embarrassing I know I shouldn't admit to it I know this because if I'm at a dinner party and somebody goes Tara how do you relax after a gig it's less embarrassing if I go I masturbate to hardcore pornography because once you've got past that line the conversation is exactly the same oh I'm not on that since there's a teenager oh you should check it out it's really moved on since then the graphics alone are unrecognizable I have to use all 10 fingers this is my argument for video games are the winners are the greatest of all these industries right video games do a thing that no other industry does you cannot be bad at watching a movie you cannot be bad at listening to an album but you can be bad at playing a video game and the video game will punish you and deny you access to the rest of the video game no other art form does this you've never been reading a book and three chapters in the book is gone what are the major themes of the book so far I don't know what I for [ __ ] sakes you've never been listening to an album after four songs the album's gone dance dance show me your dancing is good enough to merit it is good enough and the album goes no and stops no other are but video games do it all the time I'll give you an example very famous game came out a couple years ago very controversial game Grand Theft Auto 4 alright a lot of people who play that very controversial game because you could drag people into an alleyway and shoot them in the head I never got to that [ __ ] so can eviscerate to steal a car and drive across the city and assassinate a guy in a train station but the [ __ ] kept running away while to see the car again and drive all the way back again but you couldn't drive quickly because there was a toll booth in the middle of the route I had to slow up at the toll booth and pay the toll trust me six or seven attempts of this you're in your front room in your pants going I'm in [ __ ] traffic I'm on my day off and I'm commuting what kind of agent am i how am i risking my life here if I lived in Liberty City I buy a flat near the guy I had to assassinate and I'd [ __ ] walk to work during these games go guitar hero and rock band who you get a pass a full-size plastic guitar and you can play along whoa yeah whoa and you can play along to your favorite rock song yeah red blue blue red blue red blue blue red or difficult blue and red blue and red ah and you buy them because the back of the box is named as songs you can play along too and like one the member said sabotage by the Beastie Boys and I would oh god I'd love sabotage ready I can't wait to place advertised by the Beastie Boy I want to preserve it but you can't just play sabotage by the Beastie Boys because a song number 85 in the game seems to play the preceding 84 songs to unlock sabotage by the Beastie Boys and trust me ran over the mid-40s you're playing maps by the yeah yeah yes another shite you've never heard of and the same pants in the same front room going red blue blue I am [ __ ] wasting my life here yes and the gaming jurors go no you have to unlock us that's the way the game works you go yeah and 38 i unlock just in a shop with a credit card giving me [ __ ] context and they go no no no this is a music industry it is mimics the music you've got to work your way slowly up the music industry song by song until you can get to the top and play the songs you want and you're going yeah it's the music industry you can always suck a little [ __ ] to get to where you want to get in the music industry but I simply put in the cheat level will you take the top off the guitar pop the shaft into your mouth red blue blue red red blue red blue red blue red blue red rip me there we go right sabotage for the Beastie Boys anyone I asked who here is a gamer who plays with the Wii that doesn't count this is a Wii game oh I'm stroking a pony that's a Wii game right who when feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn is gonna poo oohs rainbows that I can paint under Mario's house that's not gaming this is gaming oh my god I'm in a gun battle which one of these isn't Crouch every game involves crouching you're always behind a little wall or you're behind own oil barrel you're always coaching but they put a Crouch button in different places on different games and you get panicked in the middle of a Space Marine laser battle you're just pressing any button at all and before you know your soldier is just waddling around the battlefield just looking up witcher going press anything anything not toggle maps there's a game called Metal Gear Solid and you play a character called snake and when snake dies the camera pole cinematically a prong and the man the snake has been speaking to on his communist goes snake snake snake every time he dies when I play a snake he dies a lot but the man Sava seems undiminished by the regularity with which he has to mourn snake you think once or twice he just go a snake you think they'd be sense of debriefing session with the go chases Mick you're very [ __ ] off with the dead - snake rancher he's one of the best agents we've ever had he was not Mick we've looked back over the mission logs his behavior in the field was erratic at best he said most of the time just waddling around the battlefield for no [ __ ] reason he'd just be waddling into corners he didn't know where to go he'd be toggling maps then weapons then items then items and weapons and maps he tried to pose maps into his items as weapons into his wife then he had to get behind that he couldn't get behind you think of running out he kept running after refusing he ran and once he missed it yet to run around again in a little circle he tried jumping ass for jumping us they were touching us touching it then jump and touch jump in touch jump crouch in touch they looked up then you hit a pair of crowbar they look down they drop the core picked up the crowbar weapons items items weapons Isis weapons there's items crouch lock Crouch crouch cockroach cockroach cockroach weapon science crush crush crush coat then a robot attacked him he gives miss [ __ ] Russians were staging he's ever had some routines of a natural finale a punchline others just end when the comedian gets exhausted jumping at an imaginary piece of video game scenery and into well aware that maybe 25 30 percent of the people in this room has been the last 5 years going jump Crouch torchwick oculus [ __ ] idiot so what does it making sense anymore it's sometimes not routine you can see a big group of young people there look ah and then like a mere cache there'll be a middle-aged person McGann the [ __ ] I all happens oh my jump Crouch touch is this supposed to be comedy is this what passes for comedy I know I get angry myself listen I got one more story and then I gotta go say I gotta go I'm gonna walk to there turn around come back out again all right come on Court egg because you're at this is London I'd get behind that thing you'll go right Easter card roast rice the warden swiped in by the time I get behind that door I'll be sitting behind there going oh come on come on ask me back I've got something for pears come on ask me back I'll turn red from empty room oh you're on stretch Sunday morning right so I don't even disappear from view it's appalling to watch I just walked there turn swivel back out again it's amazing you can see in a second three stories three stores write these stories I think bike how you're perceived for this job right at the start of the year right I was starting this tour and as in Dublin right and I got into the back of a taxi right in Dublin I was a local bloke and I said to him the name of the theatre I was going to base convict a street and job in writing I said the name of the theatre and the tags I returned looks at me and goes oh jaysus you're that bloke from England Ireland I'm not strong I need but I'm from 10 miles down the road and your mind goes I know I know I said well why did you say your dad broke from England he looks at me and goes Jesus you're a lot more cheerful on the telly engine you win this one den I arrived at the theater and my mother rings me right from aren't and she says I was talking to Mary today and I said whose nature is all you know Mary I said no who's Mary I you know Mary Mary you know Mary in a way you know maybe Mary from the table oh you know now you know where you may all be you know Mario's about me I don't know who Mary is what folks were said to Mary right and she says married she says has a daughter called Mary I am too sorry but uh you see that she's doing my mother she's doing a speech for ahead girl election and I told her you'd write her some jokes for the speech and I'd explain to her mother a I'm in the middle of writing a show myself I don't have time to do freelance work for Mary right but more than that I don't think the stuff I'm writing at the moment is particularly suitable for a seventeen year old girl who is about to do a speech to her school right so I say to you girls of Loretta's college here I say to you ah I don't they simply put it in the cheap level where you take the top off the guitar pop the shower chair back red blue blue red blue blue key there we go right flowers any of other people's votes and further further girls of the sixth form here in Loretto I say the zoo mmm everything tastes of mint immediately after you brush your teeth fruit chocolate chili you do the rest of the list yourselves no destroying going to tell you is one that I quite enjoy bringing home right because this happened three miles from here down in Chizik right this genuinely happened in Chizik at last year I'm sitting having lunch I just finished lunch Archie and a woman walked up to me and touched me on the shoulder and goes are you the bloke off Mock the Week I said I am and she goes would you do me a favor I said I'd be delighted to write and then she genuinely goes I've just made somebody redundant so I was thinking you could come over crack a few jokes and cheer us all up got a word of a lie right I would why would I do that and the woman goes by the way I figure it that way for her it wouldn't be the day I was made redundant Italy the day I met the guy off Mock the Week it'll still be the day she was very daunting I know she's not going to forget that I'm not even gonna be 5050 with that she's not gonna go home and her husband's going to go how was work and she'd go ah good and bad why would I do that and the woman January looked we went it's your job all I could do to go whoa there are many reasons I didn't go into a chore and probably the most compelling was I didn't want my job to be quick we've got a weeper get Coco fucking-a to be big red shoes hey hey hey let's turn that frown upside down giraffe it's not my [ __ ] job I said where's this poor woman sitting expecting her to go oh she's over there I said where's his poem sitting and she went she's there I turned around and there was a crying woman oh yeah Oh she'd heard the entire conversation so now not only was it the day she was made redundant as a little bonus this is cherry on top of that particularly repugnant cake it was a day she found out that the guy from bhakta week was a prick so now I have to go over write them look new German going okay let's go over how let's go over gonna kill you ah ha ha as we go over I said death me there crying woman here hate y'all woman here me looking at crying woman God's know you're doing to be here I don't hate any other good I didn't work here I don't I don't have to go I think I try not to cry myself and then it's where we're good oh my god I think okay listen I said to her this is a terrible day this is an awful day nothing I say is gonna make this not an awful day but there might be one small thing one tiny upside one silver lining to this cloud one good thing and she looked at me a spot what's the good thing about today and I said you will never have to work with this [ __ ] again thank you Miss time to talk to her walk off or watch this budget or come on easy Oh Oh genuinely unexpected and I was in the ice bath a limo was ready to run it was incredible but you're still here you wouldn't leave the lit that you know you got the whole petition together that was incredible how quickly did you do that listen very very quickly and gentlemen because it's been an absolute pleasure and I'd like to talk to you as it always is when you come here thank you very very much for coming out your class audience right but yes don't tap yourselves that you know that's all you were doing there yes we do yes we are through were fantastic we have performed magically tonight she's fit wonderful there were times when he was flagging but we rose him up we breathe life until we made him a guard we are kings that's more that you just did that I think I read a lot into us but on the last night but some people have been yet guards more than other people some people have been heroes and that is one of the things I enjoy about this job I get to meet genuine or inspiring heroes like for example no not the fireman who didn't really meet you we've had even better hero than you we met a man who is cycling as a teenager with a girl he liked he wasn't even a toucher or do anything inappropriate to her but she fell off a bike under a slightly mysterious circumstances and she's hurt herself quite badly and she looked over him said go go go leave me to die here in this ditch I want nothing to you now and the teenage boy looking went oh I could find a you sphere so he carried her he carried her horn aliy all the way to the hospital a mile how convenient have a [ __ ] Aston a mile away from a hospital well you're just doing laps of the [ __ ] district generally but eventually somebody got injured at the top of a hill a mile how convenient for you he carried her carried her all the way there ladies and gent and then he looked at the document save this woman's life and that went from what she has hurt her leg get the [ __ ] cue right definitely a leak universe he saved her life in Japanese only young man and he didn't give it up to the man it's working changing the life of a woman but to save the life of a baby of a tiny baby whose blood is magical blood special blood must no only be drawn from unicorns and treasure fairy dust clouds and that guy that's where they get to one guy has they don't even use his blood they hold it in an altar they're looking at the freezing it so in hope to someday to clone him and his blood he gives baby blood ladies and gentlemen that was an incredible who among us has ever fought for maybe five feet of water as a child struggle for life and we had important sunbathing to do on the two weeks I get off I don't know wife to waste my time saving children but she broke away from her holiday ladies and gentleman she broke away to save that child's life three feet of water she waded through to find that child and then she lifted the child up and carried him the six feet to the edge it's not a heroic story right we should have spoken to the fireman but these decisions are making in haste ladies and gentlemen and I'm making the best of it all right so give it up for the woman who saves a chocolate child when it is insane if you can save a child you can save an entire nation you can save more than one nation you can save all the nations combined because what nations are combined they have to build some sort of listening device when they need a listening device we build a man who build anything he'll build anything with towers he'll build a hot cabin anything but most of all he will build the most difficult thing there was difficult tender to request at a building planning meeting he will build secret satellite installation for the United Nations people have been brave ladies and gentlemen on by the way Africa special mention to one young man one young man who kept at at ladies and gents fed who kept at it despite the fact that he was constantly pointed out and told to stop he didn't stop he wouldn't stop he's not the guy you wanted to capture these moments and keep them for himself where he could hold them not to pay 14 pounds with a DVD you cheap prick if you're giving it a because I'd send you a copy the DVD not anymore I'm gonna charge you no I'm gonna commander a charging for the footage that's actually on your phone as well to the mark who will one day grow up to be the greatest film director this country has ever saved give it up for that guy and the two young guys attend garea all of these people Legends rises about them because once a year we do know where it happens with occasion happens once here maybe once a jacquard a rare thing occurs somebody runs into a doctor surgery with an x-ray and they go oh my god we've the worst possible medical emergency and he goes what is it well you're gonna have to see it first and they could offer nothing on the wall and they press the button and they both go jesus wept is that what I think it is and they go yes there are spanners in this man's brain and they go who can deal with the situation and he goes I know a man I know a man who invented the technique for removing spanners from a brain where will we find such a man in London and not quite a telephone he is the forerunner of the exclusive eels Panero technique they only know him as Dave the brain surgeon you are the advantage Alice thank you very much Oh finale there comes the vapor die ha cut right normally this would finish right here right normally it would finish right here however I've been doing the show 120 times let me just go glass of water cuz they genuinely this is a bit by the way that nobody else get not the drinking water bit ever yourself nothing a little bitter see when I'm drawing a shouting of the crowd for two hours right I Love You Tube my friend hey John I forgot to I forgot to thank one guy one guy who kept me on the street now one guy who said a very important thing to be the very start he said I shouldn't be aware I shouldn't care about you know for the mores of society are you didn't quite it that he said [ __ ] PC he just shouted that either it was a complaint about the constrictions on language by the year but the orthodoxy further correctness or he's recently bought a computer back to a major shapes ladies and gentleman 120 times right and ended their vice routines I have done and I've performed them as much as I could right I thought I've done a very good job but sometimes I worry I'm a little bit hammy about and it would be nice to see some of the lines delivered by a proper professional performer a proper actor right say for example you only twenty twelve routine just to see how they'd be delivered by someone who genuinely knew how to but you know what even better by someone who is in the actual film 2012 how much better would my routine be with the guy who actually delivers the line that I am taking the piss out of night after night after night so just for tonight as a little treat I would like to welcome onto a stage and after you may know from East disease or indeed for me Sandra or currently on Strictly Come Dancing but most importantly plays the physicist in 2012 could you please welcome Jimmy mr. Elia Martha - one night only myself and Jimmy will recreate that routine and all of its important moment picture the scene it's chaotic it's India it's a rainy day a man arrives in a suit with a bag he is a scientist he has traveled great distances in a hurry to be here he is meeting another scientist he goes I came as soon as you called the other man says we've had some incredible results you like that line way to Lenexa this scientists you know what you'll email to me you do blow that wretched APUs rice this high just goes what are they and then this guy without shame or compunction this physicist turns to the other physicist and says the neutrinos have mutated quite evite for the ridiculous line he might as well have said the electrons are angry or even the light from the Sun it it's gone off you're actually doing it better than I do now how much better with the film be if this was the actual ending we've had to look out this guy was quite are they if at that stage with the diaster changes um you've changed if the fizzes said this the Latinos have you tear and they are you - ice

Channel: Аркадий Завьялов

Views: 1,417,862

Rating: 4.610158 out of 5

Keywords: брайан, stand up, dara, o'brian

Id: ex6bxqOaB_0

Length: 102min 7sec (6127 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 21 2013