Dane Cook 2017 - Best Stand Up Comedy Show - Best Comedian Ever

[Applause] this is okay I gotta say some couple of hellos let's just do this right away balcony how you guys doing up there [Applause] [Music] [Applause] right down to me just throw that energy are you good [Applause] let's do this this would be this would be a testament let's do this balcony if you're really really in the mood you're really ready to go tonight like you say you are do this really the best feeling when you just [ __ ] feel it anything that you do you just I'm feeling it I'm gonna have a great load today I'm gonna find some cash in jeans I'm feeling it do you want to know what we're gonna do tonight know what's gonna happen in here tonight give us a little bit about a cheat sheet a little heads up your little bullet points Dane what are we gonna be discussing tonight give us a little there to cover quite a bit of things we're gonna talk about relationships I'm sure there's many relationships in here tonight yep think it over you know we're gonna do you know we're gonna do tonight we're gonna destroy those relationships [Applause] I'm telling you right now the material that I'll be covering tonight is gonna make you look at the person next to you go yeah why the [ __ ] are we doing this we are too lazy to break up that's our problem so tonight I'm gonna help kick that into high gear somebody whose relationships will be completely destroyed I would even say if I had to think of a percentage I would say 60% of all couples that came here tonight you will be leaving separately [Applause] [Applause] it's gonna be awkward though on that flight you bought tickets together you're gonna sit next to each other the rest of your trip we get into the nitty-gritty about that I wanted to just I want to point out something about about you okay about you guys here tonight society stuff I'll talk about it with you guys you'll be here to represent the people out there when you leave just [ __ ] pass it along things that you pick up everybody okay everybody is a little bit racist you're hungry you may not even know this about yourself but when you get a little bit hungry you get a little bit racist let's give you an example let's put you in line let's say that line is not moving you just want to place your order you just want to get up to the front place at or your stomach's kind of gurgling it's always frustrating when the line is not moving you don't know what's going on up there so you can do that [Laughter] [Applause] it's been realized that you're about to get a little bit racist cuz you're standing there and you're wondering and then when your friends finally comes up while you're looking taps me on the shoulder goes what's going on you turn this [ __ ] black dudes taking forever [Applause] right let's take it a step further since you've been dating your onto me you're vibing me DC okay let's crank it up a notch I'll take it a step further when you're very hungry when you're really starving everybody gets a little anti-religion little hungry little racist very hungry anti-religion you're saying game maybe a demonstration that's why I'm [ __ ] here watch let's do this look are you in the same line the way the line you were before let's put you in that same line and let's say that one now isn't moving for how long six minutes okay that's an insane amount of time to wait for anything since a nobody should do 86 minutes even even a funeral should be like five minutes tops you don't have to lower the coffin slowly drop that [ __ ] in the ground no one's getting hurt [Applause] so let's see you're in that line now you're starving okay you're starting this really you didn't even know you're about to get anti-religion or something really now it's like churning and you don't know why the line is [Applause] Jesus something that [Laughter] [Applause] laughs that's you I'm actually glad you laughed about because I'm always a little bit nervous that someday I'm gonna pass away I go to heaven I'm gonna get there the Lord's gonna be waiting for me at the gate like this [Laughter] [Applause] all right me first [Applause] women have learned something about you I peeked behind the content of women and I saw something this is so wild so simple but true right here get ready women hate the word moist just turn to a growing after singing boys thank would keep said to say how did I discover this I'm doing [ __ ] I show several months ago and I was describing a piece of cake that I'd eaten the cake was both moist and delicious and when I said that word I saw a girl over on this side of the room she kind of and I saw this happening this little seizure of thing and I said I'm sorry ma'am you have a particular problem with that food item the cake that I'm describing to you is the word least she didn't tested the word so I asked I go really what is it about the word moist that you that you detest that's so wretched that makes you ride in your seats and the answer was so simple the truth she was [Applause] let that be a lesson guys the oyster I would also recommend don't ask your grey to hoist something if you're looking just say let's lift and [ __ ] I stopped recently I stopped playing video games I put them aside for a little bit and I'll tell you why as soon as these [ __ ] people stop clapping first know when to clap no comedy show need to smattering of applause save that football let's get a point and I want to let him know that I understand why did I put them away X quite simple I actually believe that games are getting too violent I know it's crazy I'm a gamer I'm a lifelong gamer hold on don't boo yet don't boo till you hear my entire idea and then we'll take a moment I'll come back to you and we'll see if you still want to hold on to that bill that's why we're gonna do it after I'm done with this entire routine I'm gonna point it here and if you want to boo again then you got your boo but if there's three moments of silence I know that's your way of saying you know what then there we can my blue [Laughter] I think that games are now they're getting too violent I actually think that they're getting to a point now the graphics are so enhanced and the sound effects of so life okay here's what happened I had an epiphany moment I was playing a game and in the middle of this game I shot a little boy reading a book [Applause] he wasn't even paddled a mission that's the other thing he wasn't even he was just an ancillary character drawn in on the sidelines I had to leave the mission walk over to [Music] the library stairs crouched a tea bag if I may [Music] [Applause] and then after a couple of seconds I shot him right in the book and it really just struck me in that moment of how violent these games have become and the thing is playing Madden the Aaron Hernandez edition these games [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] I know funny [ __ ] right quality [Applause] that's the whole point of tonight look we're gonna connect we're gonna bond we're gonna reveal we're gonna learn some things we're gonna eviscerate some relationships it's gonna be awesome I realized in my travels recently that guys if you're gonna take your girl for an abortion relax I got this I know what I'm doing up here you're gonna take your girlfriend abortion I realized I would not recommend taking her to dinner that night for baby back ribs [Laughter] see the baby's not coming back so that particular menu item is in or inside some very recent sadness and then imagine this what if she orders the baby back ribs they're not cooked properly then your girl has to send back her baby back ribs to baby's going back same daddy lets out a third dear new waiter he's little trepidatious he got the order arm doesn't know the jargon of the restaurant he comes up he's like do you want it just to birth that order and order something else [Laughter] [Applause] I would like to see Wow so easy Wow some truth on you ma'am is that what it was I tell about mirror up to you cancel your portion appointment for this week abortion for you you're the kind of person like you see incredible okay I want to just talk to the the women the girls ladies females chicks whatever the [ __ ] you call yourself there's a moment okay there's a moment in your relationship that you did this moment that you adore this might be one of your favorite moments in a relationship I think this might be one of the moments that when you think about it it's it's it's fills you up that was such an incredible feeling that my man gave to me and I'm here that this moment is not what you think it is pretty much like what I have to say you're gonna email me later [ __ ] you Dane Cook and I can take it because I know that what I say is gonna resonate and after a few days you're gonna say no no I have to write them again Thank You Dane Cook I need you to help me out this is what I need to do I need you to picture you and your guy together do this for me picture outdoor mall picture yourself and a very busy outdoor wall just so where there's a sea of people coming and going if you can't think of an outdoor mall I don't know go with maybe farmers market that's you know that'll be good farmers market if you can't think of that I don't know what the [ __ ] to tell you I just need you to think of something cuz I gotta go at this point just let's get a crowd around you in your brain and this is the moment so you're with your guy and you're hanging out there's just all these people coming and going and then there's a moment of insecurity that starts to happen and you girls a little bit in security because you look at your guy and then you look around at like other options it becomes options other women walking around it especially during summertime months you know girls are kind of scantily clad and there's plush exposed curls you were it's a skirt but it's really just like a you know it's like a it's it's a belt that you just pull down not a skirt it's a belt and in the air chip clip [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] so you're looking at these potential options and that weird little voice starts to rise up and you're looking at these horrible thing that you start doing where you're questioning who you are to your guy and that's when the wonderful moment happens suddenly is here as you're kind of internally tearing yourself down your guy will put his arm around you pull you in close yeah and if in that moment you don't just [Laughter] [Applause] spills you out even if your guys shoulder than you somehow you look because I believe in that moment what you feel was that symbolically what your where your man has done what he put his armor in like that is he's saying to everybody that whole cornucopia of human beings all these girls he's saying hey ladies this this is my woman man it's about us we nothing is gonna come between her and I and I'm here to tell you tonight we put our arm around you because we're [ __ ] steering you [Laughter] [Applause] when we let you walk by yourself you turn it into a salmon trying to swim upstream maybe maybe wait for me babe you get circumvented into a sunglass hut somehow baby come back for me I gotta come fish you out of the MAC store because you walk like a [ __ ] just stick on my seat course you laughing this is you before we're talking the guys I'm just going to go straight down the middle about something here because you're saying damn wait a second we're going to talk about a relationships I'm not in a relationship I'm sure there's a lot of single people here tonight at the show [Applause] you're looking I think it's because now in this day and age you can find exactly what you want in a person okay you can find all the things that you desire and that place is called the Internet you can find everything it used to be so different you know you'd have to like meet somebody in a bar you'd have to dress in a way that wasn't really quite you cuz it's almost like an audition for love and then you have to you know kind of act and behave in a way that's not you not saying this but you have to say things like hi I'm appropriate I'm appropriate nice to see you I've good irons in the fire I'm not a psycho pupils not dilated check me out all right it's like it's like I took a job interview for a relationship and you can't really be your true self in a moment you're really the furthest thing sometimes you have to wait years before you can reveal the things that you really want it out sometimes you have to wait years before you can tell a person like sexually the things that you really crave you know you can look at the person they're like what do you want to do [ __ ] years tilde the internet internet you can put that right in you invoke me section name I want to [ __ ] a beehive that's it you leave about 20 minutes later for messages in your inbox one of them was like hey give me a buzz sometime honey and anything that you marked so specific to your desires you can actually you can find if you're religious you can go to religious water if you're Christian go to Christian mingle calm but I joined it you know just to see what the razzamatazz was like in there I'm sure if you want to send me a message on there my screen name is Satan's [ __ ] you can go in there and Christians talk about you know Christian she in there talking about you know where the elk really is I don't know with things that are really true sins and the ones that you get away from you know with meet other people of Jewish descent talk about Jewish things I'm not Jewish but I'm sure it's a blast in there I'm sure they're all in there talking about dreidels and Yiddish words do yarmulke styles what I'm trying to say is you're some site for everything if you're a farmer you can go and there's a site to meet other farmers it doesn't matter picking it if you're if you're Indian that website is just calm [Laughter] [Applause] girls who run your Twitter I want to say something right now okay listen with the couple of things with the Twitter that bothered me first of all I wish they would make the little profile pictures bigger when they're in the stream because sometimes your eye please tricks on you and you think you're seeing something or somebody that you're not right guys I think having something I judge oh that's a hot chick sitting on a dirt bike holding her tit and you open it and fixing a transistor radio you know girls we write that little description of yourself this is where I please go home tonight and delete it because it's not good I think that you think you're being very clever in there but it's really it's cringe-worthy and it's a challenge anybody go home tonight try to read any girl's little about me section out loud without you can't pick a random girls page just to try to read it how logic just a small town girl living in a snow globe of life let's shake things up I like french fries and french guy isn't it so fun to hate on [ __ ] that's what people do online it's the hater net people go in there and they just post things anonymously you know you that's you you're doing that [ __ ] you know you sent it there a regular page that's your you know whatever your name and then you've got your secret page where you can go in and just you know profile picture page you know just like a tank and that's where people you know you read the comments online it's always fun anonymous Mila Kunis [Laughter] log in once Roget my regular game cook page and go up on there read about whatever I'm doing [ __ ] buy it buy some merchandise a little hoodie no great feel great make America but then I got my other page and for that that I'll tell you I get to cuz I have to tell the name of this one for you guys but I have my Danko page and then I have my hater page and that that one I logged in in that name is soul crusher 11 let's just put that in perspective that means that 10 people had the idea to crush souls but I [ __ ] up here so here's where I screw it up so I one day I had a bunch of browser windows open I was getting some work done and then who was I throwback Thursday so it's gonna put a picture of me rollerblading wearing short shorts eating a huge banana uploaded it and then I realized immediately I uploaded it to my soul crusher 11 page so I had to quickly log into my soul crusher 11 and I had to type some [ __ ] up and I put like Dane Cook just hacked my [ __ ] then to corroborate that story I logged in under my home page and I was like I must admit I just hacked so rush 411 I posted pictures [Applause] talk to the guys I want talk to the fellows for a second the men the boys in the crowd are you guys doing good what the [ __ ] ever you know I'm gonna help you right now I want to help you in your relationship I want to help you to end it you know clean but here's a couple of things that you need to know right away in the interim okay that you need to realize number one guys you'll never you're never ever gonna win a text argument with a girl it's never gonna happen they will always win 100% of the time so I want you to just give up on it now don't even get involved at couple reasons why first of all girls type [ __ ] fast right we're two sentences in I was not late yesterday and then you see the three dots come up [Laughter] three dates if I'm not finished appear Shirdi had her turn the dogs so now you're under the gun you get to get yours out fast and of course that's what autocorrect changes the word yesterday to like Neanderthal or that has nothing to do with yesterday nothing yesteryears potentially your course she sends a manifesto right so much information comes through your phone your your phone gets hot and dropped to fifty four percent battery life immediately from a full [ __ ] charge why because the constitution of Megan just came through that you can't even enjoy your reply because she has sent so much information they may have to use like legal document terms for our rebuttal right we gonna die in conjunction with section three area five of the third scroll [Applause] you so scared to stop that's what you are you're like a bunch of stuff thrown together strewn about you just think you had of [ __ ] you're a batch of [ __ ] that's where you are you're like seven [ __ ] in a bundle have you had this happen this might be you wanna hear it okay turn detects target you know texture are game against back and forth right it's just passive aggressive it's those little weird Barb's there's no real tone because it's text so everything kind of sounds like really really oh really really really really that's it back and forth and then something whatever it is something finally you'll read it and this moment happens for you you read it and you're like you know what I'm tired of being texts down - I'm deserve this kind of attitude with no explanation [Applause] hardcore some meaning you know is gonna hurt right and you know here's how you know how what you're writing is really bad you you can't even send that text as you're typing it you know you're so nervous typing it that whatever you have to hit L which is near said [Applause] all right you finished typing you can't send that text right away right and read it out and then you have to do that [ __ ] were you like aren't if you with somebody gonna be like hey do me a favor pretend this is above you read this let me know how it makes you feel you read it again and you're like you're not gonna send this text no you're not gonna send it you won't send it you do send it you don't want to send it why do you send it the three Dobbs come on feel like [ __ ] sense whatever is in the chamber go your honor you said here's the confirmation here that text never sends right away every other text you hit Send it goes it's gone this text you hit save in the sandbar [Applause] like fighting itself fry it's like the universe knows ones off the universe is involved what do you want to do you want to smash me on the road right now come on I'll give you a second give me the bucket of water put me in the bracelet I'll fix myself when it finally does send even your phone knows what you sent is wrong give me your phone even like whatever that nice little chime is not it when that text goes out even your chai know is it's like then it's gone right and then it's finally gone and what do you do you read it again good proof read it 14 times nope once it's gone then you read it the 15th time and that is when your life I'm gonna get sued this is I use the word murder and super murder in the same sentence no grammar no punctuation whatsoever this is a truth we have to wait now you have to wait for the reply I can't believe what I said I can't believe you to wait you're nervous you're just looking at your phone walking around it is not yourself you're in a department store you're not shopping you're just leaning against them what are they gonna say and then sometimes the dots come up while you're looking at your phone you're just staring at the thing you sent and then you see the dogs and you're you just have to do the thing with you like crouch for some reason what's that yeah I'm gonna buy something I just give me a second place I'm just waiting for a really scary text he's getting three dots you're waiting oh my god I know when I wrote wanna [ __ ] who they're gonna say you nervous staring at those dots you nervous you're waiting they get like boxer mode and they start getting a little cocky right what you gonna say what can you say you're waiting now you're getting really worked up and then this happens one of the worst feelings the three dots disappear and nothing comes through you just want to snap and call the person what the [ __ ] were you ready for several minutes those crops in the store waiting you are about to [ __ ] what were you gonna say we need pictures in a bundle that's you girls you love your you love your little emojis goodness please you can you can stop with those at any time it's love you you ever try to read girl texts to each other that they said you can't you can't it's all emoji it's like Egyptian hieroglyphics you can't decipher it nobody knows the Illuminati knows what the [ __ ] girls are sending that before each other the Illuminati I see I didn't even know what most of them are separately emojis this bothers me too many of them are very very tiny you need to wear like a jewelers eye that's a frog with a broken leg and his friends signed his cows get hopping hobby that's adorable go with this means in my life there's several like there's I really understand and the only really understand is anybody here using the emoji in a surgical mask ever who is that the quarantine a small city the flag of Finland is in there hey guys guess right someone had a Groupon two days one night see you [ __ ] yesterday [Applause] [Music] in here you should never be in a situation with that emoji he describes first of all where are you that you hey I'm gonna party you guys here to combine they just hand me those syringes we're just squirting our blood all over the place come on by and they just get weirder and weirder some day just do this some day just keep swiping just keep going just go to the end of the page of emojis just go past you know just go past the Botanical Garden of the 40 different flower variations of it past the skyscraper where she's on the second book [Applause] [Laughter] the last painter of emojis are just they're just weird it's like twin Japanese siblings just holding hands the weirdest Japanese twins they're standing while the bus is in motion they're the exact same height they both have swords wait now they're both dancing like this I know you're fine oh your favorite emoji is I know the one that you use every day it's your favorite one girls you love the the poop emoji use it every day you've seen it all right you use it everyday coffee cup coffee cup coffee cup beagles we all know you shed why did they give it I find that very disconcerting a tiny little pile of poo little peepers whose decision was that still like a meeting at the emoji company everybody was in a conference room everybody good to see it good morning we're very very excited about our new line of emojis we think the general populace is gonna really enjoy these we're gonna put a couple up on the projector maybe do a couple of last minute details if we could just click the next yes here we have the deprecation emoji and this little [ __ ] this is wonderful the hardest Street here is fantastic Wilcox you really nailed it this is the kind of crap somebody would take if they were using a hula hoop crapping on a sidewalk you got it Wilcox but a lack soul give it some eyes you know I'll take it back right now one person here could honestly tell me you've ever taken a crap stood up looked into the toilet because you always look nobody here has ever not looked nobody has ever taken a crap stood up wife tossed over the shoulder interesting things were all right you look you look you have to look because when you look at makes you feel like an artist this looks like a swan silhouette I did this look before you jettison it off into the abyss I don't think any I don't think anybody should be sending pictures of their I don't think that that's you know don't see shouldn't be sending pictures via text of your girls don't send a close-up of your [ __ ] that's not sexy per se is the least sexy who say what you like but I'm just telling you this is my opinion and I'm not going to be a hypocrite because I sent girls pictures of Mike on every girl got the same picture by the way in four and a half years everybody got the same shot it was a beautiful picture I couldn't talk I'm not even kidding just the composition was right that day everything was just it really dazzled the shadow just on the side and looked very regal if I can say that and then then I ran it through camera plus I put a magic olive filter on it that gave it some real sparkle and that that I'd said it to girls I don't even think they would honestly get turned on by this picture of my penis I think they would look at it they would say this belongs in a gallery but girls I'm Tilly it's not sexy because if it's what you don't show a guy that gets us crazy it's not when you show us everything it's when you show us very little that that just gets into our but if you send a picture of just like here to here just like bottom lip to the crest of a boob coming out of a towel that makes us mental bright we get that bigger and we just immediately kind of hunch right we back out of we're forever where's the rest of her I need to what is this about but any guy here will testify you get a close-up of a vagina we all do the same thing we get it we look at it for a couple of seconds and then we start to question and we're like wait a minute is this a terrain map in Afghanistan what is this hold on this one of those Dipper sandwiches what am I looking at here is this a Sarlacc pit from Return of the Jedi wars because let's be honest there's two kinds of China's there's one you can send this one if everything's kind of nice and tucked up in there it's almost welded shot like right looks like a dolphin smile [Applause] you can send them don't send the other version if it looks like you put a firecracker in then never look like your jump to its death of a 20-story [Applause] human girls are gonna go home tonight go right into the bathroom close that door [Laughter] [Applause] baby can you come in here for a second maybe a booty Jake [Applause] don't ever call your own [ __ ] janky by the way just not even go deep even if you're kidding who will never let you live that down come to breakfast the next morning hey Chanti quit what are some of the things that we can do really on in the relationship to build a solid foundation what's that what you say don't ruin what first of all [ __ ] speak louder do you just put yourself a roofie [Music] [Applause] [Music] say it again but some less excited about being a part of the show alright you lose dude you suck at line oh he sucks at life that guy right there when you open your Degas oh we went to the Dane Cook show and Oh Jim was he [ __ ] up never succumb story he's [ __ ] choked on his own tongue [Music] [Music] [Music] once again what can we do right at the beginning of the relationship to [ __ ] crack everything open get to the good stuff well you gotta look for [ __ ] you get us if right now it's it is legal to snoop and look for [ __ ] okay that's not weird anymore I think that that should be the rule even if it's a first date and somebody leaves the room and their computers open and on get on there just stir it doesn't matter they walk in the room you're in my computer nobody browser history [Applause] you want somebody's computer and their browser history is clear get the [ __ ] out now browser to be like Pinterest Pinterest Pinterest Pinterest Pinterest WebMD Pinterest Pinterest Pinterest Pinterest engine guy browser [Applause] we're such sneaky [ __ ] bubbles every time we leave the house we gotta figure out my keys we ever get the keys we forgot to clear the browser so many things are on the phone - that's the thing is everybody's got stuff hidden in the phone you got to get in that phone to get into somebody's fall because that's where they're hiding their true self for it in there these couple of ways that you do it number one first of all I think that you know just if we're really gonna completely miss rate a relationship tonight and do it the right way this is what we do girls leave here tonight and turn to your guy we get home and just just say baby have your phone for a second yeah trip us the [ __ ] out cuz you never do that watch her demeanor change I'm [ __ ] beat I'm tired I'm going to bed no baby can I see your for a second I want to play that that game skittle II do know you can [ __ ] them down downloaded [ __ ] can I please see the phone right now right now please okay first of all baby I got like a migraine in my foot I don't even know what that is but it's telling me I need a high view profile we'll fix your foot later let me see the phone okay you know will do I'm gonna book a trip to Hawaii for us tomorrow we're gonna go back we're gonna make new movies better memories take better pictures not only that the only guys in here are so terrified that I'm even saying this they will go to the bathroom at some point I'd be like how the [ __ ] - I'm asked to lick this whole thing hey buddy the button would start this [ __ ] over button system Factory whatever that is [ __ ] Dean what do I do saying Dave I have access to the phone but I can't get in because there is a very intricate code device name password protected I can't get pass today because I'm not a hacker I'm gonna help you tonight to be a hacker I want to get in that phone alright there's the little four-digit okay and on the new phone I guess there's like a fingerprint which is that's not too scary Greg girls you go to sleep your hands hang it over the bed we walk off [Laughter] [Applause] but most phones you still have done so this is what you do you want to get into the phone all right this is what you do when the person leaves their phone pick up the phone and then you're just going just get it nice and clean okay kitty nice and pristine get that glass nice and shiny leave it on the table when they come into the room go hey baby do me a favor check that movie out let's go see a cinematic adventure Leonard you and me yeah they finally put the phone down all you have to do you want to get in that phone when they finally leave the room pick it out just like this [Laughter] [Applause] you see swipe right down the bottom such a great feeling to they go into the shower and then you know it's just one of a few different so you just waiting for that click like you just have to government it's the greatest missile out of NORAD that's how you [ __ ] feel accomplished you are you're red but then you listen once you're in you relax because then your heart starts racing you start thinking like you're gonna find [ __ ] immediately so you got a really just cool out go then because if you start you know in panic everything you see is going to study yeah you going to her photos that's where they wrong Daisy take it easy few things you gotta check the boys that's what happened to me you're saying Dean how do you know these things that happened to me personal experience I'm seeing this girl I was getting a weird vibe right we're dating for a little bit no sometimes she would say little things to me like you know like she [ __ ] hated me it was like I get it going go into sleuth mode and find some so I did it got into the phone I'll never forget that moment it was actually a voicemail with her was the voicemail I actually listened to a voicemail and I heard a guy leaving her a message and it was so bizarre was I first of all he was British so it was that voice talking to my girl the way I should be there is a lovely crumpet face middle woman that last night was scrumdiddlyumptious tonight do I do and I do love that and I do do indeed I heard this I couldn't believe it first I knew sauce kind of like I knew it and then a few feelings came or the first I remember the first thing once I heard that book he immediately made me hate Europe it's [ __ ] hated it instantly oh and I was so then I was hurt and then I was angry out of anger I did this I deleted all her apps made them illegal and you started deleting them one yeah candy crush she was two hundred and seventy levels in delete put them in places that were not aesthetically pleasing to the eye yeah yeah like the little phone it's always in the lower left-hand corner I put that [ __ ] eight swipes in get the swipe eight times I put that [ __ ] on Echo Base she's like dating where's my phone icon I was like maybe it's a [ __ ] Europe why don't you start there check that out [Applause] truth is revealed then you got a splitsville don't you wish that you could just break up the way you met you know the whole thing of like when you meet and it's like love at first sight it's the best feeling love at first sight because you both share the moment you know in the moment that you both wanted you you know it doesn't matter you talk about it in the relationship how do you remember we were both at that party and on the door and you saw me yeah we just both just you know it's in that moment it just wished that relationships could end the exact same way that you just knew what the exact same time that'd be great you just be walking hand-in-hand on the street and then you just both stop this was really great thank you so much [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] never happens like that one person falls out the other person doesn't know that they're hated for two two more years it's like why did you stay you don't want to pay me back the $200 zero of me so you just stay with me and sucked out other potential exit strategy options is that the worst when somebody stays with you in just find somebody else like Abe got a [ __ ] split found this other person there wait in the car girls from the bad breakup we have a very bad breakup you do something that is really interesting like when a girl is like a real betrayal when a guy really just crushes you just smashes your heart and you know that true betrayal you know because some of you think you've been betrayed he's like I was betrayed a knife he used my netflix account and didn't tell me and wrapped up $70 in charge that's not [ __ ] betray real betrayal you know is when somebody you're dating has like a meth lab in your basement didn't even share the profits with you the kind of person so you get smashed and then girls you do this you change you change your facebook picture to the happiest picture but it's obvious that you're very sad because the picture is too happy right your new pictures like you with an umbrella on a sunny day it's you with five punks and a cotton candy it's kind of funny how you do that what's all you like you check up on your hex by looking at their whatever the new picture is that they put up that's the it used to be back in the day you just like drive by their house was like the thing you do just felt right I just I can look at the place where they reside I need to look at it and they don't like that now you drive by I did this the girl I instead two year and after this person and then I remembered of staring I just sat on my computer one day and I went to the Facebook page it you do this thing too when you go there there's a brand new picture you react right away somebody's moved on with their [ __ ] life you kind of had this moment where you look at this you really want to understand who was this person that I spent time with that I shared you know dreams and quests with right you're just looking at that picture you just want her down so yeah actually sometimes you'll actually talk to the picture out loud you realize you're doing that you do a little therapy session to picture right you just sitting there Stan I did this looking at my picture of my excellent what the [ __ ] are you smiling [Applause] what beaches that bit a hat and it's a strange thing because you're looking at the picture and let's be honest in here right now when you go to your ex's page what you really feeling is you don't want to see that happy version of your ex secretly deep down inside waiting room when you get to that page you're hoping they're gonna be sitting in a wheelchair have pretty good bills palsy to boot their statuses on the saddest person in the world like [Applause] like like like girl depression got a person very different girl depression when you're really really at your lowest point this is what you do girl depression you sit on your couch and you put on a big ugly pair of sweatpants I don't like five size is too big all right time in like nine knots then you sit there and you get a gallon of some delicious ice cream you enjoy a whole gallon a gallon and then you add things that shouldn't even be in there like chips and a pickle you don't even use a spoon you use an ice cream parlor scoop with a trigger on it so you can just stash ball I got a chip you put your hairpin some ugly pineapple looking situation like a bread flip music that makes you even sadder like the entire every song in your shuffle [Music] your girls call you up and you can only respond one way when your girls go either they're telling you something wonderful about yourself or they're telling you something negative about your ex and you can only respond one way whatever they're saying in their life girl we we believe in you and we think that you're you're amazing you're awesome do you know how awesome you are you're like super awesome growing our group [Music] [Laughter] if he thought he was the total [ __ ] bum we didn't even like him and it wasn't even attractive we just said he was he was ugly so all you can say to anything I know or there's only one other statement that you always have to interject it it alright your girls tell you something great you're gonna respond but I know that you you in a year from now you're gonna be so psyched you're gonna be in the best place of your life you can look back you be so thankful this happened [Music] [Applause] [Applause] Gai depression guy depression is pathetic is we're big babies guy depression is something like this right we're in our apartment we're walking around totally naked we just just skulk around nude and then for some I didn't even know why we only inch this part of our head here's when you know you're really at the doldrums of despair as a guy you've got one lightbulb left that works what do you do you just take it from the room you're in and we bring it to where we need some illumination and then we make a decision when this all blows I'm killing myself keeping me alive bulb and then it gets even sadder then we just lay on the dirty floor totally naked what do we do when we're down here we do little rhythms little taps and then after a little while because we're bored we just start making up really horrible songs about our now acts we just lay there were like [Music] [Laughter] [Music] I'm laying on the [ __ ] floor for you people no no keep it won't get enough [Applause] then our buddies call us when our buddies called Ludo telling me [ __ ] I'm like garosu it's like we don't tell him anything why because then our friends will try to [ __ ] our hex so we don't tell them we never tell them it'll be like months and months later finally one of your friends where's your girl who is kidnapped off a cruise ship [Laughter] what finally gets you out of the funk and back up into society is very different the motivation girls I think that after a bad breakup I think that you get into the best shape of your life sometimes after yeah you get in like you get so motivated that I think that you get in like revenge shape let's call that right I think that you're so you just want to get in so you you take like a volcano yoga class right it's like six hundred eighty degrees in the wrong [Applause] painting and younger picture tapes [Music] just sweating your fake titties off in there just and then just all new do you new new hairstyles new sexy makeovers from tutorials that you saw online and you're just this because I think that you have this dream this hope that we're gonna see you somewhere and I think that you envision like that we're gonna see you and we're gonna literally just we're gonna stop and reach out towards you beautiful what motivates us as guys here's our motivation right here after a bad break we would a meet and date a girl that is hotter than our ex that's all we care about we didn't even care if we like her we will deal with that later just gonna be hotter than our ex cuz we wanna we wanna bump into you the same way you and a with us we want to see you coming out of movie theater with our new girl so we can be like what's going on upgrade isn't that a great moment we bump into your exes like a sour ending and both of you are in a situation together just kind of standard I don't know you got invited to like somebody's wedding or like you just both finally have to sometimes that for years you have to say some [ __ ] to each other like this is where you could really just pull out Wolverine [ __ ] change this perfect moment to finally love this guy just know all the crap he did and just take responsibility but you know you handled it with such grace and like this empowered moment you just you see it happen you see you have the thought of like you know you could just i mean you finally go I only ever wanted the best for you that's it when I first met you that I remember the first thing I thought was I just want the best for him and that's what I still believe I just want the best for you and whatever you do that said the best and we wish that we could have that same ability because we're in our head thinking every of our response which is usually something like we want to say well I hope that you fail at what you love [Applause] you are a batch of [ __ ] seven inches in a buckle [Applause] so I guess like one of the things that you can do right on the right in the very star like who's a couple you guys a couple over here he goes together who's together yeah how long have you two bit about to break up to two years pivotal pivotal point right there two years is really it's amazing how a year and a half to two and a half so much a year and a half in here together and maybe you're like a little bit of a car accident both your heads kind of go forward you'd and the guys would turn a graffiti okay baby are you alright are you alright right two and a half years that same thing maybe what the [ __ ] did you do [Applause] [Music] so how do you how do you make the relationship from the very beginning how can you make it exciting right off the bat will you I would say this you gotta watch you know watch porn together I'm telling you this is this is good stuff you got to talk about those weird little fetish things and then you gotta experience them together and that that way he'll be true equals right cuz then once you both know how deviant the other one is like I'm [ __ ] up you're [ __ ] up yeah we have some successful you're a [ __ ] weirdo but so am I so we're in this together there's a healthy way to watch porn and there's an unhealthy way to watch porn okay here it is right here you want a healthy way this is what you do you sit down together you're making an experience together it sit in bed you get a computer open it up and then you share that it's kind of like this titillating exciting you know you are okay baby let's alright that's the site you are you click on one one right it's exciting it's coupledom right there that's it you know you get whatever just go to the categories you pick something that by the way has everybody looked at the categories recently the Gauri's used to be just a few things it was like aging ain't no threesome you go there now it's like coffin Raiders forest fires but you experiencing it together and that makes this bond even there's there's a great moment too because it is here you're a couple you know everything you're gonna agree on sometimes like there's that's kind of sexy right you girls look every second I don't like that watch that thing our baby you pick one that's scary that's always scary hand over the reins to your girl baby pick one right like this I could find out some real second there is no greater this is the woman that you might want to marry if this ever had if you hear this come come out of your girl's mouth right and you're watching a porn together he take a second and you watch one that she discovered and then if she goes like this too big [Applause] yeah thank you bye-bye big dick that's the healthy way to watch porn unhealthy way real simple if you are [ __ ] and watching porn you have this person with you and you're watching right you look at each other once in a while just to make sure the other person is still there I can't do that I can't do that because I'm always afraid that the people in the porn are gonna turn and start watching me as well then they reach towards me we hold hands through the screen it's like drink [Music] everybody has the one embarrassing sexual experience in your life that you wish that you did just delete from your brain forever that one thing that you you just say why did that have to happen I wish I could just any day I don't know what it girls maybe one night you're a little bit drunk and you want to give you a guy head and then you want to deep puked on a dick louder example ie for me I know it mine I know that when I am 90 years old I'm gonna look back on my life and this will be in my top 10 cringe-worthy moments but I wish that I could just delete from my cerebellum completely but a year ago this happened here ago mine is the better your cause Oh some friends I meet this girl right away an incredible energy you love that you see somebody there's a sexual chemistry you know a fondness for each other you know an affinity a simpatico if I may a sexual and you know that things are gonna go down if you just you know keep it cool and that's great it's an exciting experience now couple things before I explain what happened I want to categorize this because it really is in an embarrassing sex story we're gonna call this let's call this an embarrassing post-sex conversation I just want to be really clear yeah it's not about what happened during sex it's the talk that I had after I wish I could just forget about the post sex conversation now a couple things that you need to know about the girl just you know before we get there she was pretty young and yeah and she was very young it was my birthday week I just turned 40 that week and this girl she was you know she was very very young so in the back of her place we're talking for a little bit and then finally we have consensual sex with each other yeah keep up guys all right yeah I agree to it as well finally have consensual sex with each other and this is the exact conversation that took place know paraphrasing no embellishing verbatim we peel off each other relating there for several moments right and then finally she turns to me right on the pillow and she goes hey what year did you graduate [Applause] I got graduated in 1990 from high school she looks at me she goes do you know I was in 1990 [Applause] I was Miss Minnie of one-years-old even - it's too it's twice but one so now the entire energy of the room is just shifted it just feels odd she's about to make it a hell of a lot weirder she says she does that would be like if you went on the stage to get your diploma and you look down someone was holding a baby [Music] [Applause] I said I got the wool be truly bizarre is if when I got that diploma if I just stopped point it down and said someday I'm gonna [ __ ] that baby [Applause] [Applause] [Applause]

Channel: HÙNG CẨU TẶC

Views: 1,965,151

Rating: 4.3652782 out of 5

Keywords: Dane Cook, Dane Cook Troublemaker, Stand Up Comedy, Dane Cook 2017, Stand Up Comedian, Dane Cook Stand Up, Dane, Cook, Dane Cook Youtube, Dane Cook Comedy

Id: _CTDIWC0CIg

Length: 99min 28sec (5968 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 02 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/zippercooter]

Wuuuuuuuuuut?

[u/-BananAnimal-]

Oof, You need to go out a little bit more

[u/170lbsApe]

Found Dane's reddit account.

[u/dixeflatline]

I really hate to shit on your opinion but are you a 13 year old girl by chance? If so, then your statement "Best Stand Up Comedy Show - Best Comedian Ever" referring to Dana Cook is still unacceptable. Wait, are you in trouble, does Dane Cook have you chained up in a basement making you say such crazy things, give me the ol' down-vote as a sign and we will send a search and rescue team to find you.