Dylan Moran - Like, Totally (VOSTFR)

no it's very nice to be and you might as well be in London while you're being a fantastic place Cosmopolis people from every corner of the earth every Creed every religion every culture come here to vomit and minicabs sometimes you know you might take it for granted you see you might get this notion that there's a better life for you else way because that's what happens to people they get stressed out somewhere like this do you think you know we should I don't know go to their country somewhere somewhere char it's a very bad idea I I grew up in the country you don't you don't want to go there you've got everything here you're not gonna realize your dreams somewhere else you can do it all here you can be trapped in traffic and Tufnell Park for 20 years and you'll never have that experience anywhere else you don't want to go to the country anyway most of you know nothing about it you talk about it all the time you read about on Sunday supplements you're never going to go anyway would you go it's a disgusting place it's always wet even when it's dry there's there's nothing there farmers aren't really people you know this they're just necessary we need somebody to kill cows cows are supposed to be killed on mass as well I have a certain very limited sympathy with vegetarians no I don't I don't mind if you're vegetarian because you had an accident or something years ago you fell down some steps and now you can't chew properly I don't mind that but oh I'm vegetarian on principle stuff is wrong you're supposed to eat the cows they're big lumbering stupid things they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them in the library and everything nobody actually wanted them originally you know they were just mid-conversation they kept getting bumped into by these cretins go from couldn't take it anymore give me a [ __ ] fork I'm gonna deal with this who people really wander squirrels but they're too quick don't hold in the country when is the last time you spoke to somebody from the country would you ever have conversation with these people what did you do today I had some soup offer [ __ ] sake yeah please give me a cappuccino before I pass out I need a mugger I didn't have healthy injection of cynicism right now and of course these people are friendly of course they are they talk to you haven't spoken to a real person in years when they bring you into the house and they dry all your clothes even though you're not have been in the rain or anything and I offer you the local thing you must try the local stop don't eat it you know where it's local [ __ ] that's why it's Lough Neagh did you turn into one of them we go red you start spouting bigotry and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin don't go near any of that stuff people say I'm gonna go it'll be great we'll have a solar panel toilet we'll get the whole family taxed rubbish and then you get these articles about how unhealthy modern life is in a city you know you get mobile phone tumors far more likely in the city well you know what so is everything else including sex coffee and conversation and look the conversations are totally different as well there used to fistic ated people you meet up every nine months to have a coffee with somebody and [ __ ] about the your best friend who's not there I hate them I hate them more than you do here they come do you want an image II know I'm netted it in the countryside because there's nothing to do you know people do their they they they go to each other's houses they come to your house and drink tea all [ __ ] day they crawl for 12 miles to come and drink tea cuz there's nothing else to do and what people do there this it has its own kind of native hostility you know they bring out all the food in the house and put it in front of that person said dad eat that because if you don't put on a good spread you'll be ill spoken of in the village so people bring out 19 different kinds of potatoes sheets of ham waves of ham you take a bite out of the middle you save yourself the price of a poncho they put it in front of that person and they say [ __ ] eat that and they stay there all day eat everything you have drink everything you have and they never know when to go you know they're not sophisticated they sit there you're there one o'clock in the morning with a grandfather clock between your pajamaed knees staring at the [ __ ] saying please go home you and you end up saying terrible things look we drank everything in the house I don't think that many cap is coming I know we had eight or nine bottles of wine and half a bottle of whiskey but I think you should drive I do personally sellotape your hands to the wheel get in the [ __ ] car go away from here please and then you know this is the extreme version of that idea of escape people think they'll emigrate not if they're the new life would be somewhere it's much better than here I can't take it anymore and where would you go people people fling themselves all over the planet people end up in Australia why would anybody want to go there what is the point of that country I was I usually never leave the house but we all went to Australia recently the whole family was a ridiculous place located three-quarters of a mile from the surface of the Sun people audibly crackling as they walk past you on the street that's why they all barbecue you don't need to cook somewhere like that you just bring the [ __ ] out fling it on a grill and a person to flame it's not supposed to be inhabited and when they're not doing that frying themselves outside they all fling themselves into the sea which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you sharks jellyfish swimming knives they're all in there and then you know where else does the this is the new world you know and the other part of the new world is is America people think that's got a lot of promise still even though we're all a bit funny about Americans now a bit I think the reason that happened all that bad feeling about America is apart from everything that they've done it's because American stupid people sound stupider than every other kind of stupid some people I just take but you put up with them but Americans are annoying when they take because they say well you know I was just talking about one of those terrible incidents that happen every other day in America to say well you know I was there and the guy came in and he had like a gun you know and he was like shooting and everybody else was totally dead and you it sounds a little divorced from reality somehow I think that's why this is ill feeling about the place sometimes because of everything the administration is done you know it's like the really bad flatmate of the world oh sorry did I break all your [ __ ] I didn't know your yeah other places sometime and with my stuff and cuz it's the only remaining Empire of course you haven't had our once Britain had a great empire and impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world a great style you just marched in is it you you and you [ __ ] off we're having Tiffin and everybody's going too much hot right after that time and talk centuries for people to go hang on a minute we live here the American style is totally different far more insidious this Empire is run on a totally different basis what America does is it has a nosy in some place some war-torn [ __ ] up place and that looks for oil or chocolate or whatever it wants and all the indigenous people obviously get pissed off and they begin to meet they begin to ferment they ring each other up and say you hubba-wha let's meet and ferment at six o'clock in the local bombed out cafe they gather round and they say why don't we go I'm good doing app and global accent okay it saves time because the America gets around a lot of places what are we and this represents poverty hey listen hi how googa listen what we canto party [ __ ] imperialistic the Yankee big dog huh oh they come in here they [ __ ] they look around they take our stuff what week on it I talking to you put down the beans listen water whatever it's kinda Pitino from China via Brooklyn but the em and then when America does well these people are talking and very very gradually bills of Starbucks around I know we all become addicted to latte a bell and then they turn into Americans after couple of weeks the kind of people who come up to me and say hi I'm Irish my grandmother was no clarity did you know her I always say yes yes but then again everybody did look at the particular kind of American obviously the kind of Americans you see in Europe who often for some reason seem to be very generously proportioned and then you see them in museums blocking up the exhibits going what is this can we eat it where are we can we people and yet when you go to America you see that it's a very very composite so competitive and everything people are ultra fashionable and very thin really I think the Americans you see in Europe are all the ones who stay in their apartments get food piped in and then they just shipped out to Europe and but the ones over there you see these amazing looking people they don't look real at all these incredibly executing you know those people who look like they can't support the weight of their own teeth in their head-to-head stalking in and out of fashionable restaurants I don't know what they do in there maybe they just rub pesto on their legs or something you know they look like they're weigh as much as the photograph of themselves and and very fashion-conscious but people have this idea that it that it's still there the promised land you know somewhere like California which everything is fruitful and under and abundant but Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California there's a perfectly ordinary English sentence how does that album do you know how that happened cuz I'll tell you you know how we got into that position he got there by lifting things now you and me we avoid lifting things it's unpleasant especially everything's even a five-year-old child knows this they go huh no bucket no I went to put Lego up my ass I'm not doing that no he just a different approach he lifted the heavy and you know you lift something when you have to be on all falls on granny you left the piano coz granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation Sunday lunch continues he didn't do any of that he went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it I put it back down and didn't move it anywhere and then he lifted it again hundreds of times and said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behavior look how good I am and lifting the heavy thing in my underpants now that sounds a little dim but it was they who said you're the man you're the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that country what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job no this must have been somebody who came to work covered in children's blood every morning he drives one of these vehicles you know these things are called Hummers you know it's like a big four-wheel-drive thing huge how small does your [ __ ] have to be to make you walk into a car showroom and say listen I need something the size of a school see people know I'm around as if driving wasn't already aggressive enough you see people behind the wheels of these things they change you know and those big built-up vehicles you have them here in London you know because it's difficult obviously the coffee's on one side of the street you have to get your newspaper from the other it's tough why no people change the gap behind the wheel of those things they lose the ability to distinguish between an empty packet of crisps and your children and driving is incredibly aggressive I started to learn recently I don't know I don't know how to drive when it's fairly pathetic you know cuz I'm on 39 25 it's ridiculous and then I started getting nervous because I can't swim either and I thought you know what if I crash into a lake I don't [ __ ] with it you learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing actually that's all you're doing swearing in a box with wheels cuz you don't swear like that with any other activity in your day you don't allow yourself it's okay when you're driving for some reason if somebody blocks you when you walk it be positively adore daeun in your manners you do this sheepish little smile together and you step aside and you both do it at the same time in ego for goodness sake what to do oh dear me I'll just dad I'll just operated it to capture you believe it like every we should be on the stage I wouldn't want a mile just how did we ever get this far as a species but for some reason in the inner car that becomes yes back pocket from you know an 89 year old church warden excuse me I have a something it'll clear up it might take me with it but you know let's see how will this aggression is terrible actually you see that everywhere people have you know you think you're mad at the other motorists in that case probably something else you know it's probably something in your own past probably Oh either no manager mother or something that's why you find yourself as a 45 year old person on the street shouting there must be a story behind all those people you see mumbling on the street having those intense conversations that look really really significant except nobody else is there and then you know you probably mad at to something right because everybody remembers you'd be alone and in the kitchen and twilight would be dwindling and you could hear the far-off cries of the other children playing nearby and you knew you'd be alone in the kitchen because it was a special treat time where the jelly would come out just for you and your mother would appear at your side just as vision of Laura Ashley print dress smelling of magnolias and biscuits and put the jelly in front of you there and and you would pull your chair in and then the old-fashioned bar of ice cream would come down the one that had to be cut with a bread knife before the two sides were flanked with wafers and you live just a little spoon up excitedly to press it in and Winkle out that first divot of black jelly and and then the cage would come down the cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside she would strike a match off her forearm and go and tell you to dance in the front room for money and you never forget that [ __ ] you know it never goes but this idea of the good life being elsewhere does possess people and I suppose a lot of people now because Europe is freed up and everything people move within Germany a lot of within Europe brother I mean I said Germany but in mentira I know why I said Germany but lots of people did go to Germany actually recently for the World Cup lot of English people went over to make uninformed prejudicial remarks about German people and Germany totally ignorant and bigoted know nothing about it but there feel free to insult it because their English and their bigoted and because Germany is the toilet a truly dreadful place nobody ever has any reason to go there it is it is a totally dreadful place and that's just the way it is because if you're talking to a you know a modern I went there on the same weekend I went to Australia and California and it says you see the thing is you're talking to a modern nice affable German person and they're saying to you something like you know well it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe also locally economically we're pretty good we have been better but we're very vibrant in the theatre and arts and so on all the time we listen to this you thinking hmm Hitler when you do the Hitler thing with Hitler and the people look like pork you can't get away from that they do they look like pork scratchings on a towel and you can't eat the food because you would have to complain about it and that would mean speaking German it's a disgusting language nobody should ever speak it even Hitler was vegetarian that's how bad the food is and you couldn't speak German because it's a horrible sound it sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down of stairs and somebody is talking to you in German they're saying how can he kill a [ __ ] unless you show half a can you think what is happening to you from behind how can we make it stop please go now that's not prejudice that's just observation under thing is English people are very big as it though I find I said that as a neutral Irish person you know Ireland wasn't involved in the war at all Ireland's reaction in the war was to go watch just watch on sorry what I'm not dressed what is it you wonder what we need you need to enforce what is a war order over is it Oh will good yeah what do you want I'm not very useful I'm but English people are quite prejudiced I think because I've noticed this reason because I have lots of English friends who are very dear to me and I realized recently when you talking to an English person and you're from elsewhere they share with you they do a lovely thing when they're talking to you they the umpires nature as they're talking to you somebody says to me do you want another drink then you know in that English voice that suggests they're just about to die at any moment Julie another [ __ ] I would I'd love another drink that'll be great as we grant thank you they do you do you go over there that big right there because every laughing what the [ __ ] you doing that is just funny cos you're Irish that you know cuz that's still how Irish people have seen as twinkly hard [ __ ] with a pig under their arm i stepping around the world going on paint your house no but watch as i might steal the ladder Oh which is only half true the thing is though that Irish people are just far more emotional we include emotion in our culture talking to in Linda's person you don't know if they've recently died they've just got married because that English smile hello hello looks like you've a rotten oyster under your tongue hello morning don't touch me say hi and either that or when the motion does appear its violent they come and play football with you and rip the [ __ ] out of the stadium and eat the chairs where's you know somewhere like Ireland it's more hot-blooded this drama included in the fabric of everyday every it's there every moment people wake up going oh god what time is it it's six minutes to 9:00 is it I thought it was only seven minutes - were all [ __ ] what's the weather like don't tell me I can't bear to hear I look myself ah it's fierce mild what do we having for breakfast are you gonna do that thing again with the bread where you put it in the box and burn it those trousers are these come on with both try them at once and see who wins it's just much more emotional at all times for no real reason and I think sometimes I'd love to be like you cool and calm and unemotional Protestant short wooden it's a fantastic religion it makes absolutely no demands upon you at all which is why it's not a great religion all great religions are built on shame you don't have any of that if you're Protestant you go to the chart you sing a few hymns have a cup of tea everybody goes home and has a wank you see you have the freedom of mind to walk into a room and see a plate of biscuits say and you look at the menu think oh there's a plate of biscuits I might have a biscuit I might not I might have one later I might put it in my pocket and give it to somebody else I don't really mind it's just a biggie it's not like that of you're Catholic you walk in the room you see the plate of biscuits there could be other things going on in the room the room could be on fire it could be full of naked clowns killing each other with crossbows this doesn't matter to you because all you see is the plate of biscuits because you think oh no I'm gonna eat them I know I'm gonna eat them all oh no I know I am I'm even walking towards them I wasn't aware of that but I am now I've actually started to eat the biscuits help me out with all the delicious of the same the same oh I can't tell which is nicer the biscuits are the same it's a child's biscuit that's perfect I don't deserve a grown-up one with dark chocolate on it oh they're so nice now they're all gone the same the same that's all I've got left nothing can make me feel better now except cocaine on and on and on and yet people still turn to Jesus you will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else like the people who are here for instance they say to themselves well I can't get it right in this lifetime but in the next life it'll be right in this virtue afterlife which makes no sense at all really it's your choice of course you want to believe all this but why would you want to spiritual at life surely you should sort your spirit out now while you're here the Spirit is what is challenge to spirit is what suffers all the knocks the spirit is the thing you've got to master if you are going to have an afterlife where I just have a physical afterlife just come back as a tentacle in a set of lips looking for huge lumps of chocolate to [ __ ] it'll be much more you know reasonable because the fact is you prop yourself up with your compulsions all the time I'm quite a compulsive person I only work this out recently I'm compulsive but I'm also very indecisive I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now and I thought for ages you know everybody was like this I thought everybody woke up a couple of mornings a week in the shower with Marmite clotted handcuffs but apparently not you know there are sensible choices obviously I don't take loads of drugs cuz this is tedious everything becomes too routine you take the drugs you stay there for nine hours going then you run out of men you have to go and buy more it's just this endless cycle of repetition I don't get it and you know you can't you can't you can get addicted to all sorts of things except fruit and but Jesus isn't a very good role model for children I don't think you know the before better offer somebody who's less whiny he wanted complain an awful lot jesus old nails old vinegar you're the Messiah get on with would you stop Batman is a far more useful role model for children he was orphaned as well he didn't moan about it he went to Tibet and did press-ups and things with Bunsen burners and came back and put on the ears and got up on the roof ready for anything dealing with his own personal issues Jesus moaned all the time you'll see this in the pictures pointing outside of the picture and all the catholic iconography pointing I want that one what's he got he's got cream ugly that or blaming people it was him here at my feelings but anyway now I meant to talk about something else earlier on and I forgot what it was I've remembered what it is again but I've also forgotten and that's really what adulthood is like most of the time you know you spend a lot of time walking back to the room to get the thing that you left the room so that you would go and use it somewhere else and you're on your way back to the room to get the thing you forget not only what it is but what room it was in and you faced with the people who loved you looking at you going what do you want why here you go I don't know you spend an awful lot of time like that and children aren't like that and that which is why they look so young because they always have a sense of style and purpose when they're walking around they have a very definite purpose they're walking or walking and it's a great walk as well it's not an adult sort of amused shuffle it's that I'm going over here he said why are you going over there because I have a harmonica what are you doing with a harmonica I'm going to put it in the toilet and why are you doing that enough questions goodbye because children express themselves that's how they look young and vibrant and alive and where we all envy them the child you know the children are can be incredibly difficult to understand when you're grown up you forget that you were a child something simple like a child going to bed you know you say bedtime bedtime bedtime that's not what the child hears what the child hears is lie down in the dark for hours don't move I'm locking the door now so the child has trouble with that so of course you make a concession you read the fairy tale or something you know all the wisdom of the world compacted into a little story and you say there was a little girl lost many many miles from home walking through the woods late late at night with the creatures on hooting and howling and the bushes around her stepping over the roots of trees and she came to the old sky and began to climb it but it broke you see and broken she fell down and but then when she got herself up she was all right and you could see the lights at home and she began to walk towards home and then a 10-8 her good night night you've wrongly sent the child to bed because you were just tired talking to the child because the child asks you questions you see and this is one of the great things about having a child you look forward to teaching this child about the world and how it works but the child children the children children are they're like children but they're bigger in the web they then are really interested in your views on the world you know they have their own questions now what is the name of the spaces in between the bits that stick out on a calm I don't I don't know I'm not I'm not sure but what do you call the place underneath the castle I don't know that I'm better when it's difficult children sleep in your bed this is part of having children it's very important for Charles development to sleep in the grown-ups bed because their bones are going in particular directions you see what happens as children are actually very sophisticated they sleep in your bed for a reason the child is born it takes to look around thinks well this isn't quite what I'd hoped for these people are idiots I wouldn't have painted the house like this at all but I gotta make the best of it so how do I could have maximized my resources so the key thing is to stop these people having any more children so children get urine samples sent through the post and sprinkle it on their beds they're busy people they don't have time to be the beds themselves then they crawl into your bed and because their bones are growing and everything they can only sleep in certain positions obviously the crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular sometimes a combination of the two but the thing that really relaxes a child is to have it the big toenails lodged squarely in your respective genitalia that ensures a blissful night's number then the sexual kidnapping is complete no touchy-touchy no kissy Kissy you two need lots of sleep I have many questions for tomorrow very important but you lose so much of that natural human panache but children have no you tell the child to go to bed and it puts that against what it wants to do and synthesizes and says I hate you I really hate you as they're scratching their arms for the toy elephant no if you could retain that sense of self in your adult life you did have totally different experience at work telling your boss I hate you who's fetching really do every day is the same [ __ ] [ __ ] I don't know why I keep coming back difficult to keep a hold of though that's why I'd also confused a lot of the time adults are terribly confused messed up people that's because they forget really so they don't have to pretend all the time really the fact is you're not an adult at all you're just a tall child holding a beer having a conversation you don't understand the Middle East yeah I know it was really bad yeah I wouldn't have done that yeah hysterectomy very painful the shoulder is very painful area being intimidated I get intimidated by men by other men you know we're talking about driving license other guys talking in pubs about machines and cars there's a whole culture of that they're talking about the grinning villager under when he waxes the car and they turn to me and go what kind of car if you gotta go I don't know although I got well it's going to be a blue one maybe they're always intimidating one another competing with one another but more aggressive I suppose they did this study actually in the University of Chicago with women and they worked out that the women are incredibly good at reading male faces you know there's two types apparently there's a kind of round soft sensitive faced person who's a good person to have around and is good good for you good for a family gentle and caring and can empathize and then there's the other type which is more kind of stronger jawed more masculine looking smaller eyes you know King Kong is what we're talking about here and this interestingly this was the kind of male favorite by women for what was called in the study brief relationships what the [ __ ] is that one we don't have to roll your tights down the whole way what is the brief relationship I know I'm talking about all this obvious I'm talking about children and all that kind of a you know and jobs mentioned these things to pretend to you that I have an ordinary life and this is because I'm you know I'm relating to you and you're ordinary people looking up at me with a mixture of or envy and lust and the thing is my life is very different I can't pretend it's not you know when you go to work in the morning and you go into the news educated everything to get your lunch of crisps and [ __ ] or stones or whatever it is you people live on you know it's a long time since I was lived in a house or ate food they you see all these magazines because at the times we live in now the culture you know this celebrity stuff all these this wall of dreams behind you with you know Brad and Angelina and me and everybody else up there looking down on you making you feel even more ordinary but what you forget is that we all want to be you we all want to have you know 2.3 children and live in a house where nobody speaks to one another and work in a building society or something we lie awake at night tossing and turning masturbating with both hands with boutique chocolates falling out of our mouths wishing we could be you living somewhere like Willesden and then it's doubly difficult for me cuz I'm an Irish celebrity that's very hard gig you know cuz it not many people do it there aren't very many of them and none of them are cool you look at Geldof Urbana or anything they can't do cool you put you know Bowie or Lou Reed on the cover of Time magazine of course they look cool because they can do all that stuff all those looks you know the ones that say I don't even know you're there but if I did I'd ignore you I'm having people flown in from other galaxies just to come and scratch me you can't do that if you're Irish because you have the face you know and an Irish face always looks like it's been told two very important pieces of information at the same time I one shoulder somebody's just run up and said you've just won a hundred million thousand pounds and loads of stuff and let the other one soldier somebody's just wins but in the rear but you only have three minutes to live that's why everybody looks like this all the politicians and everybody see on television always look like they're just about to pull a ham sandwich out of their pocket it doesn't actually belong to them ladies and gentlemen that is the first bit I'm going to go away and I'll see you no what's that III appreciate everything you've done I loved your early work I think it's only getting better so I was talking about something and then I stopped and you agreed we left it there but now the thing is to get to it what I really meant to say was you know you probably all went and got a drink and everything in the interval and you know we're proposed along but your own needs having them filled which is what we do some people like some people are taking pictures on phones I don't why you point people do that it's very weird how everybody does that now we all take e to the same with holiday photos you take the record something to look back on it even though you're not really there when you're taking the picture because you busy recording it so you retrospectively going to look back and where you weren't until you have you had a good time and but just do the holiday photos aren't there you go away you come back you say look it's a show your friends look it's it's us I know Givens like we're eating hummus what a transformation I hope you enjoy yourselves because that's what you're telling yourself it's your reward to go away still that time of year people are going away we can't really enjoy it it's very hard anyway there's only one Airlines everything the world now air denial where everybody gets on and they pretend they're in a cafe cuz they're trying to show that the one thought that has actually kidnapped their mind which is we're all gonna die you pretend you in a cafe and that's what the people are there who work on the planes are supposed to support you in this fantasy because they come along and they say would you like red or white wine with your pieces of vulcanized lizards [ __ ] from the moon how about an extra bread roll there to dip in your author of vomit pate and you going red or white one who do you gonna have darling I don't know but you can have all to shut out the one thought which is in your mind is just we're gonna die we're all gonna die we're all gonna die right now the plane is made of metal the wings are made of metal we're all eating and I'm the only non terrorist board we're all going to die and you kind of beauty enjoyable bit actually about being up there is if you have a family if you're with your children and you get to see the young person you used to be sitting a few rows ahead of you who always oblige you by turning around and giving you that scowling look because your child reacting to air pressure is expressing themselves by going and they look around disapprovingly as though you're going to clock that lock and go oh sorry I slipped though through and after all you paid for business and you're a busy busy guy aren't you you kind of prop yourself up with all those things you know holidays and stuff especially in this part of the world when people get depressed here they don't really handle very well in other cultures to do something useful you know they have a rain dance so they throw stones at one another or something but here people get pissed off to go I can't carry on I don't understand my life anymore I don't know what I'm doing I can't [ __ ] handle it I can't deal with anything including these corn flakes I just don't know what's going on I can't do it ah [ __ ] up i OCD I'll get a CD and a jacket [ __ ] everybody but because you're out of your mind not feeling well you go and you buy stuff you didn't really want anyway you know the Ecuadorian women's VOC choir during the songs of Kenny Rogers and you bring it back some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front and you look at this you think what is this [ __ ] what was I thinking so you take it to a charity shop that generally is the extent of our charity we give away all the [ __ ] we never needed or wanted in the first place and that's my charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression that layered smell and all the women who work in their 103 and they were 20 when they turned up for work that morning they just aged in the smell presumably as well there are people going into those shops as well who think when they look at the stuff they go that mirror in the shape of the cello covered in seashells is a [ __ ] bargain do you have any more of those do I need about 10 so what takes you out of that what will get you away from all that all the interior tea you don't need with children are very good actually for that teaching it but the world peeing on you I want to feel sorry for yourself in your past if you wake up with somebody sitting on your face Zane I'm hungry I mean but you know you women women are more supportive of one another around children if a woman gets pregnant you know other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it and it's far more useful you know men when men are about to have a child if they have young male single friends they're not they're not so good you know this you know your male friends arriving they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby and they don't really know how to deal with it you know they don't get it because they go well I'm here you know your house is imaginary of disgusting smells there's nothing to eat everybody's wearing bathrobes there's no bar I can't [ __ ] anybody why am I here women tend to be more mature you know men look at breasts the way women look at babies oh it's not lovely and then if a woman gets pregnant all the women she's ever met in her whole life will appear from all corners of the earth to support her by telling her horror stories of all the pregnancies they've ever heard about it's fantastic what you're doing I love the way you're handling this it won't be like what happened to Michelle what what happened to Michelle oh did I say mister I didn't mean to mention that I'm sorry don't worry she was the fool she ate vegetables and drank water the baby came out her ear you'll be fine you'll be absolutely fine nothing will happen to you she can't sit down now nobody in the family talks one another you defied the river men are men remain envious of women despite what women think men men would like to be female sometimes to understand things more to have access to have the freedom to ask these questions that women say every day why did you put the town the wet towel on the bathroom floor when you left it there why did you do that well me and the guys were talking about it over a period of weeks you know in the bunker when we figured that was the best place for it it wouldn't work in the kitchen the questions that everybody asks now the questions that everybody has always asked about each other you know you still hear all this stuff what do women want as though it's really mysterious as though it's a big deal all a woman wants is what anybody wants you know friendship and companionship and respect and a certain amount of leadership with submission and the kind of cooperation at all times in a pre-emptive empathy and you know general telepathy it's no big deal missus and then when the same questions are asked men what is it that men want you're always told that it's really very simple you know it's something like lingerie where historically there hasn't been a big demand for male lingerie from women because there's a limited amount you can do with male genitalia mister limited amount you can do with anything that looks like it's hanging outside of a shark's mouth and doesn't really matter if you put a velvet gown around it it's not gonna do the trick we're told that this is what men want lingerie you know for women to look like cakes it's not enough that you want to be with me and love me I you must first be a French fancy and where women don't want that traditionally women have been attracted to uniforms so it's not difficult to know what women want fascist that's really what they're all after say what you like about Nazi Germany they turned heads everywhere those stormtroopers went check him out before he kills us that happened a lot but sometimes I think it passes through the mind of heterosexual people that it might be easier to be gay because obviously you know there's apparently less responsibilities outside yourself that's how it would appear sometimes and also you know if you're straight and you're pissed off or stressed out what do you do really you know you have an extra piece of cake or a couple of drinks you shouldn't really have if you're gay you can go to the toilet and [ __ ] a stranger now that's doctor walks on with the kinks out hasn't it afterwards you must think I can deal with my emails now and but because of that then you get straight people disparaging gay relationships and saying well they can't be meaningful you know if they met another train but most heterosexual people in this country and around the world meet each other and get together with one another when they are totally totally drunk smashed out of their minds they could not spell their own face and then go home with that person you might spend you might have ended months with that person or a year or you might have a family this is what happened this is how you meet but you wouldn't buy a toaster when you're drunk cuz that's too important it's gonna be crispy in just the right way I think that's why you see couples sitting with their babies outside cafes and so on drinking tea looking at one another looking to the pram looking into the middle distance and back to one another because it is he however if I haven't I just know we're gonna have your drinks this guy and love is incredibly mysterious as you know and is still the thing that troubles most people for a lot of their lives until they work it out and which you may may do eventually you hear the conversations in the restaurants the lovers speaking to one another and it never really changes people compete with one another as they're telling each other that they love each other I love you I love you yeah but I really love you I mean I love you I love pencils you have sucked and thrown away 20 years ago I I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and everything about you just eat your food and let me love you don't speak and they don't know of course at the time that that dialogue is just from a very bad science fiction film written by nature really what they're saying to one another is but the race must continue the race must continue my voodoo diem is pointing at your inoculator the race must continue and if they don't handle it properly see them forty years later the same people in the same restaurant if you have the time you go there and you see them and they communicate in a different way now in middle age in some cultures it's called silence unless I'm missing something and they're saying a lot with the fork hitting the place and if their eyes do meet this time it's not intimacy its embarrassment the man makes that noise as he jumps his chomp in his throat a kind of horrible sound is hunger and sounds like a Balkan curse and the woman has her own noise of disquiet stare she's spearing her salad like I you know sounds like a dove having a dump and then they they go home to the bed they've shared she's sheared when you share a bed it's a difficult process you know when you go home you're a bit I had a couple of drinks in the beds all wooly and you have ticket you have to get the Clippers out here we go again don't move and how an they've shared the bed they share it and they get in with them and they have real intimacy which it takes years to achieve you know you know gonna get it with somebody you don't know very well not that there really is such a thing as casual sex what is that what is that supposed to be it's never really casual you always have to turn up and it's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes hats or something in your coverage and crisps one of you is eating an omelet the other one's doing a crossword then it's kind of I'm talking about real intimacy where people don't mess around with all that manipulating the phrase I love you people you get this all the time i love you i love you i love you i love you bake me a cake or go away children can master those three words what do you want for breakfast darling i want i want sugar fried and honey no you having fruit bread wholesome things like that i love you daddy i love you too sugar you say i'll be right back i needed it's just hard to like certain foods bigger this i'm trying to addicted myself to it it doesn't work for me fruit just God showing off look at all the colors I know horrible stuff you know somebody comes to your house broke generally the weekend or something when they don't bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates or biscuits or something you'd [ __ ] about that person when they leave mean [ __ ] didn't bring anything never hear anybody say they didn't bring any fruit not a single melon we had them for three weeks I didn't see a great nobody likes it that's why they put mirrors around it in supermarkets you say used to catch sight of yourself do you think [ __ ] I'm dying I better eat some of this they don't do that with the Explorers do they terrible you have one confirmed as awful um yeah it's got stones and things in it and what's the point what was I saying I have no idea what I was saying whatever you think it doesn't matter them but yeah you know it takes ages as well it goes all and all alone oh now Judy the the other thing you know I don't know the yes intimacy and what is what is real and what is not and we supposed you know their conditions have to be right of course for foil for love to happen you know it's much it is much more difficult to be female I grant you that because the body is more complicated you know if you're born a woman all these things happen to you you're a baby than a child and a girl then a what girl woman and all these things are going on is this constant opera where the masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life Who am I I don't know what judge I'm [ __ ] nuts and then if you're male you know you're born you have a finger up your nose and the other hand on your dick and you get taller and that is really it and it's fairly amazing to think of the the ludicrous taboos that persist amongst us informed intelligent able people just from biology for all these years it is still a difficult thing to talk about menstruation with the woman if you're male when you find this out as a young man very quickly because you're talking to somebody and you're saying listen listen I agree with everything you're carving on the kitchen table I do I really really do but do you think it's possible you may feel this way perhaps because of your pickup that first high kick to the thorax generally does the trick if you address the subject at all thereafter it's always in the most feeble way you go yes yes I know haha yeah have you seen the moon you don't and we're told and it's traditional that things have to be just right for a woman for a certain exchanges and acts to happen between you if you care about somebody really properly care has to be just right you know we're told that men don't need very much they just you know they just appear all circumstances are fine for any sensitive occasion whereas his women things have to be right you know people saying I love you all the time to reassure one another I love you I love you I love you in bed as they're making love I love it I love it why have you got ham in your bed this is what women say why I don't know it's there are you hungry are you hungry you're not hungry you might be hungry later I don't know it but it's there I'm prepared and I what is the noise there's noise downstairs it's nothing it's my flatmate forget it we won't hear anything I'll tell him everything later anyway don't worry about it no we must have music all right Christ I love you I love you now they're not davargan er feel like I'm being invaded Oh God the point you're just lying there anyway you've taken all the lingerie up this is too easy can't you hide under the bed and send up a flare or something this has to be a game for me all these games all the fear by difficult to tell some people you love them of course very difficult to tell you Father you love him your man no I love your dad oh yeah hmm oh yeah yeah you okay money I'm very good for money I just want to tell you that I love you oh yeah yeah I'll tell your mother you know this day so these people talking in the restaurant maybe about what they don't really understand we'll find out later with everything that happens to them when they go to bed at 90 years the newsletter they do achieve the kind of real intimacy where you have to know somebody very well to be able to say I hate the way you breathe would you please like that it sounds like us coming through you're [ __ ] fired having slept in 35 years do you have any idea how fat you actually are do you do you have any [ __ ] idea no you don't do you because your little face is an island trapped and to see your flab it's también to death but I can't afford to take the two weeks off work nothing the campus order that buy a nice cup of tea but it is difficult it is of course the people who love you who know you who can wind you that is the terrible vulnerability these people know how you are you are you what you can take all kinds of abuse from strangers there are people at work or people on the street doesn't matter you brush it all off but you don't have to get rage or obscenity from somebody who knows you they just have to say the right thing at the right time your nose hair which is gray is in my eye that'll do it we are all very wonderful we all want a certain treatment you want to hear things said in a certain way I heard a terrible story I didn't even I didn't think this kind of thing happened but this happened this guy knows a guy it happened the guy I know knows another guy it happened to him I'm like very well-connected and he told me this man was in bed with his with his parson and they were making love and she actually called out the wrong name I didn't think that could happen she called at the wrong name I want I heard that I thought how would you ever recover from something like that you'd be destroyed but then I realized you know it wouldn't even have to be the wrong name somebody could just say your name in the wrong way because everybody wants to hear oh good job but you don't want to hear John or John but the very worst look you know patronizing comforting one good job either these things can change your life ladies and gentlemen that is all for me thank you very much for coming I've enjoyed talking to you good night okay you know quickly cuz you've got to go hmm listen the thing is you will get to a certain point in your lives you get older you know you may have read about it and people don't age well in this country you look at them you don't easy continental people tourists they come around you know the people who bicycling around in the red and yellow kugels pointing at cathedrals springy white hair and rimless lenses plaster spectacles having a wonderful time living on yogurt going home and having sex even though they're 80 300 years old doesn't happen like that here in Britain in Ireland you see people aging it's all wrong the wearing brown there at bus stops they bend over ruling a half a ton of count food in a plastic bag talking about the weather they haven't seen in the last 15 years mumbling rubbish getting closer to the graves they don't have that far to jump when it actually opens up denying their vitality that's not the way we should age it should be as alive as you can until you're totally dead in all respects in every sphere it is wait I think you see this is a popular movement it is of course dangerous you have to take advice you know you can't be gung-ho about it if you're going to make love to somebody in your very very old and they're very very old you have to be flexible it is I hate to use the word lube but I just have you have to pretend you're swimming the channel it's not you change you old you've body changes it's a tinderbox down there it would be a terrible way to be found the next morning to charred skeletons still smoldering in the wheelbarrow position nobody wants to be remembered like that you want to be remembered with affection and dignity you might have to think about what you're going to say you have to say something quite good we probably won't you've said something rubbish like do you think this is off they'll be the last words you'll ever say or worse hey everybody watch this but before you do it's great if you can meet the other person you're supposed to share this mystery with and you know when that happens I think people know when it happens to them because you often meet that person at a particular time in your life sometimes when you're young and poor you know when you're in living in a room or but you both live in rooms where you have all your [ __ ] cuz you're poor and it's lit by candle light and you climb the stairs to that person's room they've been to yours now you're going to theirs it's serious and you're standing opposite that person and there is a moment where you realize you're not looking at an expression of fleeting lust or some sort of passing of the time you know in the surrounding the fundament where you're actually you know each other you know you want to be together and you realize it and it's an amazing moment when you the other presence actually taking the clothes off in front of you smiling from the very middle of themselves at you saying I want to be with you and you're looking at them with their bare shoulders all shimmering in this Roseate candle light and you realize this is the person for you and then then the cash comes down and your mother jumps from the wardrobe with a cigarillo pointing out of the corner of her mouth and you'd kill her over the trial ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming good night you

Channel: Jérôme Krs

Views: 2,439,500

Rating: 4.7981553 out of 5

Keywords: Dylan, Moran, Like, Totally, vostfr

Id: 7ox6d1cKru8

Length: 66min 10sec (3970 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 09 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/canbe_onlyone_sharky]

Love Dylan Moran.