Women That Make You Go HA! | Live At The Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

get me wrong right don't get me wrong it's just a monogamy it's really long guys right and I get from an evolutionary point of view it's better for us to be paired up to do the basic things in life you know like raise children or collect air miles I get that but I just feel like I've got so many Wild Oats so I want to know I know some of you might think that's quite a male turn of phrase uh uh not true I got oats babe, I got oats for days I got so many backed up oats I could shit a flapjack and I get that not all women feel that way I understand not women are madly into sex I've got plenty of girlfriends who are like oh god Steve's birthday tomorrow fingers crossed a documentary about sharks comes on and he gets distracted but I've always been quite sexually aware but it's never translated into what I would call you know a slaggy period so I feel like ive got a lot of what inner banging that I need to get out of my system beause I really haven't slept with many people I really haven't so in my 22 years on this planet plus another ten years I have only slept with six people which isn't very many So I've got to the point where my friends are sleeping with so many more guys they're having to keep lists to keep track oh my god imagine being that sexually experienced it involves admin Maths and Excel spreadsheets I could get behind honestly I know girls from school who've outscored me on a single trip to the toilet in the slug and lettuce So the reason I haven't set as many people is because when I was younger I suffered from this condition where I would go out with knobheads for years at a time like the last one total disaster right we had nothing in common so I'm from Essex born in Basildon and this guy was super posh he had more middle names and I've had sexual partners right so eventually I broke up with him and I was like for the first time in my life I couldn't have my slaggy period so I made a pact with myself that the first hot guy that I bumped into I was gonna chat up and seduce right so this happened a few days later I was in a lift in central London hot guy got in the lift with me I saw him I thought hello victim numero uno let get this party started I hope you like flapjacks pockets in the lit he presses level one we're only on the ground floor he's only going up one level lazy so I think Ellie say something flirty to him so I said you're only going up one level lazy either got it or you haven't guys right hot guy laughs I'm like oh here we go Shag Shag Shag. Bang Bang Bang. Oat Oats Oats hot guy puts out his hand to introduce himself says hi my name's Phil and six years later I married him doctor did get quite worried about me he was like Aisling you're going to have to get out of the house during the day and I was like doc I'd love to but my naps are not going to take themselves soz but my mother was equally worried she was like Ashley just try and get out of the house and maybe do some exercise build up your strength and your muscle do a bit of exercise but I actually find it highly offensive that my mother would suggest that I do exercise because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability which prevents me from doing any exercise which is where I can't I can't be arsed I can't be arsed I really just can't be arsed I just kinda can't be and I would love to be arsed I would love to be one of those people who's naturally arsed to do things but I just sort of can't be and I mean my disability affects me in so many ways my ability to clean the bottom of the dustbin, ring my auntie's back at Christmas I would love to but I just sorta can't be arsed to. I mean I just don't like moving too much I would sort of rather sit in the couch and waste away than move I don't really like moving too much I don't even listen to sad music in case I'll be moved and I think the reason that I don't like exercise is because the school I went to didn't have much money so the sports facilities weren't great and so a lot of the sort of Sport and Exercise we used to do used to leave us really pregnant really pregnant it's just not there it really isn't and I would love to be I would love to be in to exercise and stuff but I just can't be arsed I'll be honest I did get tricked into going to Pilates class because I thought it was pronounced pilots 15 minutes I wonder why they're going to let us fly the planes my friend Broner suggested that I do something social like ping-pong table tennis ping pong - I mean I just the ball moves too fast I can never see it to me ping pong just looks like two perverts spanking a ghost and my flatmates death is American she's American and she's always doing this thing called running rolling for those of you don't know what running is it's something that you would naturally do only when you're being chased I'd I don't understand it staff is always just going for a run she's always just going for a run unless I'm being chased by something terrible there's no natural panic in my legs that makes me want to go any faster than this a sort of whimsical saunter that's kind of run by me but Steph's always just heading out the door going for a run okay I'm just gonna go for a run go for a run I'm just gonna go for a run stiff get such a pose out of going for a run got two days later she'll do it again complicated like Marvin hikes I supposed to be two ends of the spectrum but the get mingled like love can come from hate how is that possible it is I love peanut butter because an ex of mine is allergic to nuts and every time I eat peanut butter I imagine him dying yum-yum-yum always throw to be closing up right about now yeah this is an aside and I wasn't gonna tell you this but I like you okay I think nut allergies is gonna be the thing that wipes us up do you mean like you know any friends are you talking about it like who's gonna be climate change or it's gonna be me too right now my money's I'm not allergies because we weren't allergic to nuts and now we are right and every year gets worse and worse more and more kids delicious nuts and over time eventually everyone's gonna lose each other and then at some point everyone on the planet will be allergic to nuts and we're nuts figure that out we are fucked do you think it is a coincidence that sartet is one letter away from satan what that is the dumbest thing ever and there's been quite a lot of time thinking about trying to have less hate in my life it's a very scary time to be alive but there's some stuff no matter how hard I try I can't like I will always hate getting up early always forever right every morning would have to get up early this is how I do it I still have an alarm clock right retro right my lung goes off and I go what snooze because alarm and snooze are like good cop bad cop in the mornings because alarm is like get out of bed now and snooze is like don't worry about him I'm on your side you're gonna have a great day I mean you'll be late hmm we take another eight minutes you deserve it you're so pretty when you're sleeping and hate actually led me to unlock a secret of the universe genuinely hate led me to the best thought I'm ever gonna have in my whole life from hate and the thing I was hating with a very simple thing it was toe rings simple thing I hate them I hate them more than I should hate I say I hate them I think it's because I hate feet I think feet are disgusting and whenever I see a toe ring I think okay what you're doing there is you are taking an already gross toe and you're trying to make it look like a tiny faceless man with a hairy chest wearing a belt stop stop it so let's try I have less hate in my life so like right I'm gonna figure this out so I set my slack I'm like let's break it down why do we have touring so we've invented them who's buying him what's the point of them and then I thought oh shit guys you know tie rings they are rings that we wear on our toes then we have reams earrings rings people wear inner ears yeah eyebrow rinks nose rings belly button rings but these ones rings because if these ones were called finger rings make weddings pretty awkward with this fingering I make proposal stories really awkward oh my god so last night John came over and out of nowhere just gave me the most incredible fingering I know and immigrant feeling going on around the world right now I'm an immigrant to America my mother was immigrant from Nigeria to England when you had kids in a different country you're a lot more ambitious for your kids you want your kids to do well because my mom was super ambitious fast super ambitious loud in an African family and the Africans in and the Africans that's just white people not you just you've got four choices of Korea doctor lawyer engineer disgrace to the family my mom picked all our jobs before we were born well my mom was pregnant with me someone my not - I was what we haven't she's like I'm having a doctor she picked my subjects to school I was gonna be a doctor got as far as a level biology and you had to cut open a rack let's cut the rack and I discovered I couldn't stand the sight of blood or anything vaguely biological just had to switch it up as that mom had to tell my mom the doctor thing wasn't gonna work out it was all right I said I'm gonna be an engineer and my mom was like engineer it is on the list okay and then she turns to my younger brother you gotta that's how I ran in my family she wasn't impressed when I decide to become a comedian that conversation didn't go very well cuz I was an engineer worked as an engineer for years nice to work for Otis repairing lifts that's what I did my mom was proud yes my daughter she's at ng yeah and then I left that and decided to become a comedian my mom was not impressed she's a comedy but luckily for me within six months of starting comedy I got on this talent show called the big big talent show hosted by Jonathan Ross Ganesha so cool my mom was like mama I've got this big talent show it's gonna be on TV I'm fooling the quarterfinals on my mom's all yeah that's good very good interesting very good call me when you get to the final I'm not interesting call me for the fine so sure enough I've got food to the final film live on television life John's from Ross is hosting and uh my mom comes down with her entourage because my mum does not travel without a Nigerian entourage so I do my set Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after my set and he sees my mum and the audience which was not hard to spot people white people white people and then a bank of African royal teachers so Jenna from points to my mama because it's at your mom Gina's mom is in the audience and I swear to god my mom stood up like this yes that is right and the reason and the clown is Here I am I always lose - it's going to be a clown three I bought her the big shoes so my mama D comes after the big shows she only comes out for the big shows and in fact my mom is here tonight I am a mother my daughter's father and I are not together anymore but we are still really good friends is a lie I tell to protect her we are not good friends I take her everywhere I go and she's such a cool kid she's called violet she's 6 years old I took her to a charity event a little while ago it was a youth homeless charity and I went because Prince Harry would be there and I am normally not allowed within a hundred yards of that fine man and it was full of posh people and I've learned that posh people think that only other posh people care about them because they had a young man speak and he himself was once homeless I thought great we're gonna see some real world stuff not eighteen year old boy comes up to the microphone three-piece suit he's like yeah so like a year ago my parents were totally micromanaging my life they stayed on friends couches and in summer homes I was utterly homeless not homeless unless the couch smells of piss and is outside a Tesco Metro they've held my trust funds do you have any idea how difficult it is to be on a juice cleanse when you're homeless I looked around the room trying to find the eyes of anyone else who hated this prick nothing they're all like he sounds bad there was silence in the room as he took a drink and my six-year-old goes white people and he wasn't even white it's such a beautiful thing when a child can look beyond someone's skin color see the white inside of him hate it if they have come all the way from Brighton what this haircut is about might be a new face sir for some of you people um don't panic the BBC invited me here because they they needed a beige lesbian so I'm just here to take some boxes not your box madam just just a metaphorical box I'm half Spanish that's what's happening there I've got a Spanish mum and she lives here in the UK it's all very legal she's even more than the UK than she's ever lived in Spain but the brilliant thing about my mom is that she's never lost to accent she's nobody really just at least not so well she cannot pronounce Russia cannot pronounce huh my favorite word that my mom's never been able to pronounce is my brother's name the difficult aim is named Stephen Spanish people any word that begins with the letter S they struggle right so my mom doesn't call him Stephen she calls him if demon what's his name um demon is it isn't it just Steven really could I know his name he's my son eat this you don't mess with my mom she's not like British people here in this country we can be point passive-aggressive can't we she's just very aggressive woman I don't know man what my mom's everybody coped in this country and I think it's because like a lot of Mediterranean people she's quite loud yeah she's got one volume it's like this whereas in this country particularly middle class we tend to be low talkers don't we like to raise our voices do we and we just assumed that if you are raising your voice well you're probably worse for a washing machine broke down the other week I could have done without a washing machine breaking down a week before Christmas because I'm not right go to Curry's now I'll pop to Curry's and I'll buy a new washing machine because you know when you've got something a bit crap to do you think if I say pop that'll speed it up on it but it doesn't pop nip and zip do not bend time I'm just saying you know that you would be better off clearing a morning I got down to Curry's and there's hundreds of washing machines because there are aren't they because we live in the West we live in the first world where we celebrate choice but choice is only an advantage if you're a decisive person isn't it I'd prefer if there was a choice of two a shit one and a slightly better than shit one to create the illusion of value for money I'd be quite happy with that I didn't know I don't like shopping I don't enjoy it as an activity some people do but I don't I get a bit overwhelmed I can't form opinions especially if I'm with the past the Nazis I don't I can't decide on anything so I'm looking at all these washing machines thinking why I don't know so there are when they sat in the car and I read reviews of washing machines I don't want to live where I'm reading a review of a washing machine I don't mind reading a review of a book or a film but not a washing machine who writes reviews of washing machines I mean you get asked to write reviews most days then you buy a thing they get your email address and then they send you an email you write little with you you'll be a review review about that little bit of shit you bought last Thursday little bit shit you bought last this what your feelings about it as a consumer how would you write yeah let's say I'm all your friends put the kettle on have a cup of tea and think about how you feel about that little bit of shit you bought our Thursday my karma asked me to write a review for his website as a reward you want me to say bean brilliant flange sprockets I flushed all night right I bought a washing machine and it lives with us now it's in our house but I've got more choices to make because it's got millions and millions of settings on it it's got a sports washer daily wash an eco washer power wash just it's got an iron free option why would I not choose that to iron it's got an economy intense option that doesn't have any meaning it has no meaning it's got a hand wash option washing machine you're a lazy bitch aren't ya we are doing you take the weight off your feet back got passive-aggressive washing machine silk wash option I haven't got that many silks nobody has I've never heard anybody shouting I'm gonna do a cell wash Oh so I tried online dating again yeah right I mean I didn't last long I was about ten days because I thought I think online dating is a hoax man I'm sorry I think it's a biggest online hope since Nigeria got email scam they're running people that have managed to combine the internet and dating is gay guys because they got Grindr okay let me explain some people don't know about Grindr okay so what is it's pretty spectacular if that tells gay guys how far they are from another available gay man it's awesome I was explaining this to a friend and he was like so it's like a tracker it's not it's not tracking you're not hunting gay men scene in Jurassic Park but the guy's going through the jungle and then two gay guys are gonna swoop in from either side Novak clever girl but like an Aboriginal man picking up some debris and just going hmm leather chaps rainbow flag their clothes and the guys have to be registered on the website to come up on the app you can't just suddenly start using your iPhone as the gaydar now you are fabulous so I downloaded Grindr onto my phone and as soon as I fired it up there was 70 register guys within 10 meters of me you know I was like do you remember that scene in aliens where they're surrounded 10 meters that's in the room right I am reading it right they mostly come out at night mostly if a massage is a bit in a full body message where they make you turn over on the table because the tables are very narrow and I am not over the last one had she held the towel up a flip-flopper dog I was almost in position when our eyes locked in the mirrored wall at the end my friend said to me that's not my worst bit of a massage I said what's your worst fish dad you're late the bit where the pullian Nick heads down a little bit I said well they'd have to do that with me otherwise the Woodie had half me back but I went for a massage with friend of mine we were in the waiting area and the woman came out and she said ladies ladies ladies just to let you know that on staff today we have a male massage therapist now is wondering if either of you would mind and my friend went I'll have him you can always have the block if you want but just let the finish a question first and then say I suppose I don't mind rather than I'll have this huge beam and smile on her face so was it a good massage she said oh yeah I said that's good she said I felt his erection it was my turn I'm not paying if it's on extras his erection said yes on me elbow don't know what your elbows are like but mine is like rhinos skin to tell what record with mine excellent game show wouldn't it Coco not caca not wanting a door like and this might come across overly mean I hope it doesn't but it might come across that way I don't like a skinny massage therapist the one is that the moment it's about my size me below a bit bigger I don't like the skinny ones they've never said anything to me but in my mind when they're massaging me they're doing this but I mean masters is an inner monologue going on up here outside I'm the picture of composure but in here it's going crazy and it depends on where she starts so she starts at the bar might be like or tickly tickly feet takeo she's gone up to pay I've got broken veins or light that bit oh just cause to be funny too close to be funny to me some lie and they covered in happy snow white then we're you've still yes massage ends and she did what they always do she she put on like a chocolate diva which they always do this on the end she said just relax there's plenty of time there's no need for you to rush please just stay relaxed there's so much time just way to stay relaxed there's no need fruit please just stay relaxed but she didn't know is that I've been dying for a fart for 40 minutes they let out the loudest most trombonist for you remember I was covered in oil because I'm not very good at holidays I'm really bad on holidays I always know I need to get away from it all I just want to get away from it all but the truth is I need to get away from this and when I get away from myself so well again holidays I'm always disappointed cuz I am still their same shitty brain same shitty forts except now I'm covered in turquoise jewelry with a head full of corn rowing a sodding Solero I've got the sexy news ladies and gentlemen this year I was diagnosed with gall stones I asked my doctor I said oh why have I got GU stones anyway well because you've got the 4s go on you guys fat open with it you've got four to choose from as about you alpha human being and put that one in the middle let's not make me bloody funny it goes fat fair-skinned fertile and forty sods up okay well I'm not 40 see a little code there is a bit road actually and he goes codes wrong mate you can't miss that's for air so where were you just said that's rubbish who taught your medicine meatloaf say for I wouldn't ear the forest but that is 5x I was like what's the 5th one goes flatulence fair enough yeah you're right there actually so yeah so now I'm on sort of a health kick I'm not I'm thinking about a health kick it's enough in it I'm a very unhealthy person very unhealthy if you've ordered so much takeaway food that you're embarrassed when the delivery driver shows up genuinely I live alone and I order so much food I've started going oh you know who's on there alone who knows now here you go your hungry little lunatic there you go and I'm a smoker and it's just so boring being a smoke I just wish they'd stop selling cigarettes trying to give up takes up so much your time the measures don't work you know every year like we're raising the price of cigarettes to deter the smoker and it's like no when you raise the price of cigarettes all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit that's all that and the fingers latest one is they've gone oh we're gonna cover it with blank packaging that's the latest one blank packaging oh no not blank packaging please what will I do about my photo of rotten teeth are bad for the last 10 years and the thing is if they use those tactics on something else it was physically bad for you but you weren't physically addicted to it would totally work if cheesecake became 17 pounds of packet and they cover the packaging in face of massive fat guts with mascara stain tears the whole way down would have my bloody cheesecake cuz I'm not addicted to cheesecake I mean don't get me wrong I like a bit of cheesecake there's no addiction is it I've never been drunk at a party at midnight gone outside walked up to an absolute stranger la sorry to ask to be a pain about a drink I'm trying to give up your spare but cheesecake Oh chase one of two children I have a big brother there is a year between me and my brother and we're really competitive it took me years to beat his pac-man score and when I did he chased me out the house down an alleyway wrestled me to the ground gave me an almighty Chinese burn completely ruined my wedding dress and he got to an age where he'd play with me to his paly we played buckaroo and he got a real donkey to make it harder for me I'll tell you what operation was like I still got the scars and he got to an age where he realized I was a girl and it wasn't cool having a little sister on the way to school he'd make me walk ten paces behind him and we weren't even married my brother is the honeymoon baby the firstborn give me a chair precious firstborn you see the confidence of the firstborn first funds know that very important thing that you were created because two people fell so madly in love with each other that they decided to create a human being out of that love first Born's are made from love gimme cheer people like me second born children we were not made from love we are toys for the first born sole reason we exist all because we thought it'd be nice dreams have company the job was a lot harder than we anticipated and now they play together it's lovely we go on holiday hardly see the little twerps give me a chip third born children not many photos of you my friends got three children she says by the time the third comes along you stick it in a bucket and give a bit of barbed wire to chew on fourth or fifth born children I'm sure you all have a very strong network of friends it's not easy to be the the big brother the big sibling because there's a lot of expectations when you're the older one I understand that my brother at the age of five would draw a picture and my dad would go what is this a house and this is the fact he's foreign and this is the family why am i taller than the trees if the Sun was that close we'd all be burnt alive you have to work much harder than this if you want your work to make it to the fridge when you're in a new relationship you'd all have had this experience it's very exciting for everyone else around you so people always ask oh how's it going and it's such a difficult question to answer now how are you supposed to actually describe the feeling of being in love using language it doesn't come anywhere near the truth at the beginning I used to attempt to use analogies so people will say oh how's it going and I would say oh it's like I've always been a plant but I used to be in a garden center or a supermarket and a shelf and now I'm in the garden and then you can't say that to people I've learned that so now what happens people go all how's it going and I say fine and but then we're friend the other day she said well you don't seem very happy and I said yeah that's because I'm not with him I'm here with you apparently that's very rude actually Sarah it's very important that you stay in contact with your friends but why have got him now and then she said well what about if you break up but if we break up then I'll kill myself so still don't need you and we live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure and that's not really concerned me at the beginning with my boyfriend realize how happy I was I started worrying that we would break up one day because all of my previous relationships have finished and I don't want that to happen and what I found out is you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning it ruins everything and it's illogical it's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the Grim Reaper turning up a job interview and going ah what's the point if you don't sack me I'll quit and so that's why I was thinking about other couples I thought a lot about Adam and Eve because they of course were the original couple and yeah sure at the beginning it's all magical it's all staying up late counting each other's ribs and laughing the magic fades his boring she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating and then their landlord kicked them out one of their kids kills the other one and if they can't make it work in paradise what chance have I got in Lewisham eyes are getting too close control one you're now in a deep level of trance gadi talk expect I don't know I untaught it through we're gonna try it again how's it going to be different this time they strike I want you to retain the cost of your grain where I reside keep that awake okay and then you go to sleep I'll try okay all right I'm ready so what do I do three you're feeling tired okay - your eyes are closing one you're in a trance don't lose me don't lose me testing one two three okay we're cooking with gas now earlier you said you couldn't sing well that doesn't mean I can't so now I've got you in a compromising position I might take advantage if you can hear me I'd like you to raise your finger no not on this hand you idiot Oh God on your hand without the monkey on it okay good all right we're ready I'm gonna sing can I have track one please I'd like to sing an aria yes she's quite ambitious not sure she's up to it let's see if I can do it drawn broadest from on mother's loss or about really not reasoning ongoing I need more earthy thank you you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 918,666

Rating: 4.8220277 out of 5

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, live at the apollo, live at the apollo women, international womens day, iwd, aisling bea, aisling bea stand up, celia pacquola, nina conti monkey, ellie taylor, gina yashire, andi osho, jen brister, sara pascoe, kerry godliman, sarah millican, shappi khorsandi, roisin contay, nina conti, women comedians, women comedians stand up, women comedy

Id: gVjT-F4xodE

Length: 38min 49sec (2329 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 08 2020