Andy Parsons

okay so I'm just gonna pull this strip gently you ready okay okay so I'm just gonna pop a little bit ice on your head one last thing now good race be funny okay the lights are fading you're thinking the show's starting I should have gone for a piss well it's too late the show has already started so without further to do would you please welcome to the stage a man who you may have seen that the British Comedy Awards 2012 winning subtle in two films neither of which have ever been released although he's the only person playing the Harrogate theater this evening got given dressing room to please welcome a man who's too tight to employer support ex a man who himself should probably have gone for a piss before the show started here is a man who asked to do his own offstage announcements Andy Parsons oh yes very exciting very very exciting lazing them here at Harrogate theatre seven people are as excited as I am one of the finest theaters opposite and Marks and Spencers very close to an Argos in a Primark that any man could hope to play and you the good people of Harrogate apparently you drink too more hazardous levels and watch more porn in the UK and you'd like to clap yourselves so we thought given those two facts we thought it would be a perfect place to film the DVD yes obviously you may come across cheering tonight's performance the resident ghost which is apparently called Alice often manifests herself as a smell in the corridor so if you do have a little bit of wind save it to the end of all you should be in the clear and of course Harrogate home to the stranger as I found out somebody said to me they said all you know this strain I'll see well I assume they were talking about a cat's right no Sun Park they said do you want to kick about on the stray cats but that seems a bit strong but I hope we have some fun tonight ladies and Emin obviously some audiences can be very lovely just need to calm those down slightly howl audiences can be a little bit quiet obviously with those you know you need to live in them up a bit but you don't want to tell them they're quite as then they tend to go even quieter no we all know one or two of you want to know what the plan for this evening is now obviously probably a few OCD members okay so the plan at this early stage is to go for about 50 minutes right is that M is it matter but you just point him out there that's why he wants to know what's happening here we go sir this is for you the plan is to go for about 50 minutes then we'll have that interval right then we're going for about another 50 minutes afterwards so there should be plenty of time for you to nip down the pub afterwards if that's what you require or maybe sneak home have a quick threesome with the babysitter well that's got a mixed responses I don't know if the mother-in-law is babysitting this evening but relax relax I'm not I'm not expecting too much oh who knows I realize we live in difficult economic times obviously people still blaming the banks and for a very very good reason but let's face it even before the banking crisis we didn't really like banks that much because we don't tend to have very positive relationships with our banks as an example I was recently trying to pay a tax bill online yeah because some comedians do pay their taxes let me tell you have got nothing in Greece ladies in there so always trying to pay this tax bill right and there's a problem so it said I needed to phone up my bank so I found out my bank run it's one of those we've got an automated system where you have to put in a couple of digits of your passcode so I put into jitsu my passcode hoping to get through to the advisor but don't know its options and further options then further because they're more options and finally I get through to an advisor and the first thing she says is please could you put in two digits of your passcode so now when I phone up the bank and it asked me initially to put in two digits of my passcode I get them wrong because get this then you get straight through to an advisor so this advisors he says to me har mister pass and she says I can see exactly what the problem is she says you are trying to pay by debit card and mr. Parsons I need to tell you when you pay by debit card we have limits in place to prevent fraud and I said well you know it's not fraud don't you because we've obviously spent the last five minutes verifying I am who I say I am and what is more you obviously don't think it's flaw do you because you keep referring to me as mr. persons what is more in the whole history of crime has anybody tried to be fraud anybody else by paying their freakin tax she said mr. Parsons if you insist on paying by debit card it should be fine you'll just need to pay in a series of installments so I said so you're quite happy to be defrauded just over a number of days she say I'm not authorized to answer that I merely repeat we have limits in place to prevent fraud I said look you know it's not fraud don't you not only have I answered all the questions you've got in front of you or I can throw you some bonus questions as well not only do I know my mother's maiden name I know my grandmother's maiden name and all me freaking cousins as well mr. Parsons I should warn you we record these telephone conversations for training purposes I said well I don't think they'll be using this one well at this point she said I think I may have to get my supervisor to give you a call back so lo and behold five minutes later I get a call back from the supervisor hello is that mr. passengers it is mr. boss hello it's the bank supervisor here I just need to ask you a couple of security questions solely on the one who should be asking the questions so you've got some quite good security answers about me already given that you phone my home phone number and I am specifically waiting for your call of course there's a very good chance I am in fact a burglar who's just picked up the phone on the off chance that there might be a bank on the other end of the line account details piece mr. Parsons what I'm going to do is I'm going to put you through to our fraud team they will clear your card put you back to me and we'll be able to proceed I said but how will I know it's the fraud team why don't you put yourself through to the fraud team who claim my debit card get back to me I've still got some Bergling to do these said mr. Parsons before I put you through is there anything else I can help you with I said giving you a record so far that seems unlikely keep talking I think I might be able to get a routine out of this to which he replied I think I recognize your voice that comedian bloke to which I said I'm terribly sorry I'm not authorized to answer now we know whenever we're watching Deal or No Deal and Noel Edmonds phones up the banker well no there's no bangkalan the end of that line because if there was no be spending half the show giving him security detail then we get costs that way we get cost because there's all these levels of security for us the customer but when it comes to their investment bankers as we now know there are very few levels of security and the government have suggested they might want to split up the investment and retail sides of banking and they're thinking well the banks don't seem that keen but the government should insist shouldn't they yeah cuz let's face it retail banking would still make a nice profit this is the side of banking that charges us a tenner to send us a letter and it's not a nice newsy chat elector is it we wouldn't mind paying a bit of money for all it normally says is you are overdrawn well we knew that didn't we because we couldn't get any money at the frickin correspondent Georgina said say that for the letter is not helping on that problem we're not turning up a Weight Watchers in them going oh you're fat you are date so what choice do we have well if you don't want to use banks there is a new player on the Marquis in there Wonka calm object a current interest rate for you five thousand eight hundred and fifty three percent and people still take them up on it don't they you know I've done it quite how it works people go online they go here we go let's have a look at this yeah one go come here we go four thousand eight hundred and fifty three percent that seems about right than it and if we give a wide if we would it will be only because the banks won't lend to them they have to do it but you're thinking warm I want the banks lend to people surety that is the job of the bank is to lender people oh I'm a prostitute but I don't check my cell pet insurance and break down cover more on this later I realize I can get easily frustrated I'm guessing most of you have never been troubled by Kendal mint cake sadly I have for those of you unaware of what Kendal mint cake is it is not a mint and it is not a geek it is a cross between mouthwash and soup you can get them in camping shops and if you're going on an expedition they suggest you put a couple of bars in your rucksack they say they say it is good in emergencies now as far as I can work out the only reason it is good in emergencies it's the only thing guaranteed not to have been eaten by the time an emergency comes around even had a miles bar in your rucksack you might have got to 11 o'clock on the first morning you might fall I'm having that when can you meet Kate you could have not eaten for six days had a pint of beer and a spliff and you'd still get out your pocket Nicole I mean it's quite a gesture Jim as part of the hype for Kendal mint cake they are utilizing a quote from Sir Edmund Hillary when he climbed Everest the quad is we were sat on the snow looking down at the country below us and when the board can looming cake now he's on top of Everest right average temperature minus 60 degrees he's using up something like 10,000 calories a day and he could only nipple Kendal mint cake but these Mountaineers they're crazy people on my they go things like oh I am gonna climb every peak over 8,000 meters well why are you gonna do that because it's well why don't you just imagine it's not there oh I'm gonna climb every peak over 9000 meters oh there's none of them I'll be able to stay home have a cup of tea cuz I decided a story last year oh they sent me off to Siberia for a documentary I told is the inhabited place on earth - 53 degrees were and we're in a tent yeah and they said if you go outside for a piss during the night they said make sure you shake it around a bit they said because it's cold enough to freeze the urine back onto your penis oh yeah that was a quick piss nothing frightens a man more than being told he might get frostbite to the penis I was thinking one advantage of still having a foreskin which I probably had a little bit I could afford to lose go away what were the problem Antony's they were tracking all the amateur nutters you know people have been focal-plane bloody Fogle do you know what is like this thumbs gonna be he's gonna try and swim the Atlantis's he reckons it's gonna take him for months to swim the Atlantic but he says it may take him a little bit longer because he's not a very strong swimmer oh the 2,000 mile journey he is worried he says that possibly he may be attacked by sharks so what he's going to do he's gonna strap a magnet to his ankle because he's hoping the electric field that it creates will somehow put them off and I'm thinking if I thought there's a chance of a shark coming anywhere near me not only would I have a magnet on one end can I have it on the other ankle and both wrists as well what you don't want is a magnet on your right ankle see a short pop up by your left ankle and by the bloody thing off but you're thinking right shark swim at 30 miles an hour even if they get within a few yards and feel a bit woozy how do you think surely I've come this far was to strap on his ankle but at Kendal mint cake let's face it people get frustrated with me I'm accident-prone hey I recently almost got run over by a bus which was definitely careless because I let you on the bus at the time it was one of those Routemaster buses you know you can come off the back right and he was going really really slowly post exactly where I wanted to go for this he's too good an opportunity to miss now with hindsight maybe it wasn't going quite as slowly as I thought it was either that or just as I was about to jump off the old bus driver could see me in his rearview mirror before the [ __ ] him up also we points are rife I ever jump off a bus again I will jump off in the direction the bus is traveling and run alongside for a little bit until the momentum of the bus has worn off as it was I jumped off the back for a split second I thought I've been pretty cool and a split second later I was going off over tit I have an entire bus cue who thought it was the funniest thing they had anything you can imagine you just can't wield on the road right you've gotten back you've heard yourself what badly your watches come off you're rolling around right you put your watch back on they'll never notice on the DVD in there I was right lying in the road and I look up nothing is more distressing let me tell you when you've just can't wield on the road to see an entire bus cue absolutely pissing themselves and if that wasn't enough suddenly there's a screech of toys I'm not right right and a car they pulled up right it was a taxi and for what they see me fall off the bus he's can help me oh no typical London oh my god I'm gonna have to do we have to front this out right so I struggled to my feet I bowed to the bus queue to the taxi driver and then I went round the corner and had a little cry about take myself up to the doctor I thought so she she agreed to see me but she said you'll be fine she said I think said you'll be able to move around your stage which is nice innit nice to have a stage to yourself yeah don't you love it on you it's nice all right I like that aspect it's brilliant in it you know you just wander off for no reason can't even anything oh look I've got loads of different entrances and exits maybe it'd be fun come back on here instead okay baby right you can just say one coffee here right Nathan oh I'll just we got me foot about here we go you think all it lets you else we can see one he'll look this annoying let's have a little wiggle of the iron what else we got here we go but how about yeah how about foot and iron maybe Owen and foot and then we can come back on here Oh Dave and Brian eat your heart out ladies they may be one of the world's greatest illusionist but he still can't spell Darrin can he so the doctor she says to me she says look I think you're gonna be fine but you've not had a checkup for a very long time we need to give you a checkup so I said okay so she weighed me then she took my height and she calculated my body mass index she said I need to tell you you are in fact overweight I said are you sure I'm not under height she said no I said in which case I need to pick you up on your methodology I said because when you weighed me I had my shoes on when you took my heart you made me take the shoes off so after a heated five-minute discussion my shoes the conclusion I was in fact at the high end of normal heavy shoes she then said I need to take your blood pressure she took my blood pressure said you've got high blood pressure I said I'm not surprised I've just falsely been accused of being overweight she said I also need to tell you that you've got high cholesterol she said one of the contributory factors of this is the fact that you're a man I said well there's very little I can do about that I could snip off my knob it would have the added advantage I might lose a bit more weight but not much because you also need to know that you've got an underactive thyroid she said one of the symptoms of this is lifeless hair I said I think I may have had this for a while she then goes have you ever been depressed I said not until I came in here sonica you know you try and eat healthily you think all we have a bit of broccoli some quick roots and Terry's bit of salmon and then you see a list of all of those things that supposedly can increase your chances of getting cancer and on their broccoli grapefruit cherries and salmon apparently even constipation can increase your chances of getting cancer I mean it's bad enough being stuck on the bloody loop on a squeeze one out we're gonna frickin body off giving myself cancer as well flip-flops can supposedly increase your chances of getting cancer who do that they should be up there on the top shelf and brand packaging with a little warning on them their flip-flop where is guy younger clutch kill Jesus sandals just say no even crisps supposedly can give you cancer yeah yes all we now will have people breathing cheese and onion on other people and those people worry that they've contracted cancer through passive eating yeah are they gonna band Chris from public places so that we people how do brand off its doorways with crisps all over the place having a sneaky twiglets little smoky bacon patches there is a plus side though because apparently masturbation helps prevent cancer excuses I'm just kidding carcinogens have me prostate but you're a woman well you can't be too careful you tooth or wouldn't you fried food will be bad for you you think pizza will be bad for you beer will be bad for you chocolate would be bad for you but apparently there are things that can all help prevent cancer so if you want to be healthy feel free to have an all-day breakfast followed by Black Forest gateau wash them with some beer but make sure you take those cherries off the Black Forest gateau there are Lhari menace even curries supposedly can be good for you because it helps prevent cancer something to do with the spice turmeric and the guests the fact that you're probably less likely to be constipated so he says and he says I need you to be honest with me said one of the reasons we don't have as good a health outcomes in Britain as the rest of Europe she said it's because we're too reserved in Britain we don't talk about our problems enough I was thinking British people can be reserved at times but other times they'll quite happily tell you absolutely everything you give some British people and maguire-fong stick them on a train carriage tell the entire carriage their life story one night I'm on one recently woman couldn't give a [ __ ] that the entire carriage was listening in you know it's still shaking Trevor yeah train trailer yeah oh yeah now still shaky Michael as well yeah yeah yeah no no no no Trevor doesn't know about Michael no no don't fret go go now I mean Trevor at the next stop yeah all right but I was tempted girl from going meet Trevor myself I'm Trevor I've heard a lot about you from Helen here you old devil of course what you don't know she's also shagging Michael as well I thought you ought to know because every other bastard does well the doctor she said to me she said how many units of alcohol have you had this week so I said 21 she said that's not bad maximum is 28 passing it was bloody lucky I saw on the Monday so then she asked me how much caffeine I drink what P is not only do I drink too much alcohol I also drink too much not alcohol she said I should be drinking eight glasses of water a day but apparently if you drink those eight glasses of water a day right consecutively straight away one off the other she said it can kill you who knew that cuz we even know if we go out with a friend and they're drinking water we think boring bastard Oh No that crazy bloody risk-taker sale so I'll straighten the answer that I just gave her right see they wanted to know how much I was sleeping oh and it wasn't enough for her you're thinking that's a tragedy isn't it you don't have to be good at anything to be good at sleeping you just got be able to do nothing I can't even do that cuz some people a brilliant less sleepy only story only last week whose brilliant sleeping pilots and co-pilots in the cockpit at the same time I mean how does that happen who change their copilot falling asleep and thinks [ __ ] me there's a good idea we often wonder why the captain only makes an announcement at the start and the end of the floor and you know sometimes when you're asleep on the flight and then the actual plane touches down you get a little joke don't you can you wake up it's a bit of a surprise I should imagine if you're the pilot it's even bigger bloody surprise so the dock she says now how much exercise do you do a week so I told her course wasn't enough was it wasn't happy with my sob story also this is one I said yep I did try I was on a running treadmill right I was going along and I thought I was doing really well right quite pleased with myself yeah and then just gradually well as I was on this running treadmill I felt to myself oh now I'm I'm going back with you I need to turn this off right so I thought I'd lean forward right because I turned it the wrong way you know I sprinted off and out fired myself off the back but as I fired myself off the back I bang my chin so hard on the treadmill right then it fired me off into an upright position so I keep doing it hopefully nobody will notice you know of course be honest truth isn't it he said I'll not being lazy it's nice innit cause if you almost got a lot of comics right where their favorite place in the world is a lot of them will say on stage now I always think that's a little bit sad yeah cuz I like being on stage yeah it's not my favorite place in the world my favorite place in the world isn't the end of me garden doing sod or thinking of all those things I could be doing in a couple of days time yeah cuz if you dream of something it's always perfect whereas when you're doing it there's always that little bit of chance isn't there that you might having that back of your brain thought or wouldn't be nice to be on the back of a garden doing cuz I want those people who struggled to complete anything I bought myself a guitar I learnt to play a chord it hurt me fingers I'll give it up why do unicycle pepper there's no brakes on a unicycle and I live on the hill I try fire-breathing I inhaled and then burped if I'm absolutely honest the only reason I'm going to stand-up comedy right was I loved the lifestyle you didn't have to do anything during the day you had to normally do about 20 minutes work in the evening and they gave you free booze then medley occasion you have to deal with an audience but that's usually great fun my favorite heckle ever woman chair that stop talking well I was thinking right whatever-whatever jobs are quite fancy eyes reading are quite fancy wouldn't farmer oh yeah I think I have all the farmer jobs that's got to be the best isn't it you know five o'clock in the morning [ __ ] crows out the bed check the wind's blowing yes it is brilliant back bed again alternatively five o'clock in the morning [ __ ] crows out the babe wings not blowing nothing I can do about it however I've got things to do right why I've got these two I like to write a list oh you think you've done something then don't you but even better than lying the list o crossing something off the list you know you've done something then you have yourself a little treat then con you have a party by the secret ladies and gentlemen is to write make t on the list Oh mate till the lists make the T have the to cross it off the list cuz I think old technology that saves its time but usually technology it's just a brilliant new way of wasting more time take take your phone write your phone now you can check your emails check your text check Facebook check Twitter all right whichever one you check first week I'm not checked out for five minutes you can check it all over again you think you've done something but in reality you've done nothing is the equivalent of every five minutes going up and opening your front door to see if there's anybody there as we can give me still things that need to be imprinted on there I personally am still waiting for a decent alarm clock one that doesn't in fact alarm you yeah maybe one that just nudges you awake yeah maybe gives you a little cuddle makes you a cup of tea little tickle downstairs phones up works so you can't come in but if like me you are a fan of a late starts what I have just had a shock to the system cuz I've just had a child ladies and gentleman let me tell you there's any parents in the audience who are now trying to be very little when you've had a kid is extremely difficult and if you do succeed in doing variety than when you have a child sooner or later they tend to take the child away from you which slightly goes against why you had a kid in the first place because our society can take a lot of things now can it you know you know they've got more relaxed about various things drug use divorce but child neglect that's still a social taboo isn't it yeah you've got love kids obviously not too much that's another social to be right there isn't it but even when it comes to that I was thinking I'm not strictly moral because there was that story wasn't there maths teacher on the south coast he ran away with one of his 15 year old pupils over to Florence and I was following that story off all that's terrible there was another story 26 year old female PE teacher shagging one of her 15 yawns and he was meeting him well where was she when I was at school lately I've had a good hard look at myself for her to work out while I was having this child and I came to the conclusion it was probably selfish reasons you know I didn't want to wait so long that I couldn't in fact have a child because you see these stories in the press now don't you people are age 70 having babies if you're oh no that's too old you don't to be a kid struggling the walk suddenly realizing that your parents in exactly the same state and there was an IRA mitt that was just a little bit of me that thought wouldn't it be nice when I'm really really old to have at least one person I know who can wipe my ass it's not the most positive reason to have a child but fair's fair I'm wiping his ass now in 40 years time he may have to wipe my ass and my ass they're much bigger than he's asked now therefore I win forget the feeling one or two of you may be judging me at the moment well they slice this myself could be a worse father could not he loved comedians they just seemed to use their kids very carelessly as sources of material now I have far too many embarrassing stories about myself without stopping members of my family I'm a dreamer ladies and gentleman so maybe right let's say there's been a disaster on the news let's say there's been a plane crash right but only one person has survived and I'll be watching that story and I'll be thinking warrior that one person would have been mean and I think well I don't think that I'm not very strong I've got the medical skills now survival knowledge I'm not very good in the crisis I'm weak willed I have a tendency to panic and my one and only true ability is my ability to fantasize how good I would be in situations I've never found there's an example of my believing to deal with the crisis I recently went parachuting now for those of you been parachute people now they tell you when you jump out that plane check one two three pairs of both buzzer I jumped out that plane I shouted [ __ ] all the way down I had some friends on the grade well I said to them after I said could you tell which one was me they said we could hear you from about halfway down and if I'm honest I don't really know why I went parachuting so I don't have a very good head for Heights you know if I get like a hotel room and it's like above about the fifth floor certainly if there's a balcony I'm in white trouble cuz you know I've got a view I should use the view you know I just won't look down I won't don't have em before and if you are one of those people who do that right you certainly know that for anything I'm going I'm going I need to move backwards and there's that moment when you try and move backwards but you're folding to the spot anything hall I tried to move backwards in I didn't move backwards there must be a little bit of me that wants to chuck myself over you think I'm stupid enough to do it I'm really stupid enough to do it I'm gonna be the only person in history astronomers backwards bright shut themselves over and your leg starts doing weird [ __ ] and your body starts doing reach in your face starts doing we jet anything don't kill yourself the view wasn't that bloody good come on pull yourself together and you just about manage to get it together then you move backwards really really slowly like you're the world shittiest Michael Jackson impossible and because I can get stressed that I always think I have to walk a narrow tightrope between boredom and excitement I oh that's a little too pouring for me I need a little bit more excitement hang on I need to go back a little the other way which is why I don't think eight hour tantric sex is for me I suspect for a good proportion of that I'd be bored and then when it came to the climax I'd probably have a heart attack way to go no I don't think you want to get rigor mortis with your [ __ ] face on and in the fingers ladies and gentleman our suspect if you remember nothing else from tonight's show well the clothes because oh I can get stretched out I always think if there's a little bit of pampering ever you know if it's been offered well you know I deserve it so let's say you in a hotel is a bit of massage a bit of that so I treat myself to a little foot massage right it was a good one yeah it was a good one but do-good started getting a little reaction downstairs and I fall that is inappropriate isn't it thing was the more inappropriate I thought it was the bigger it seemed to get a little naughty bit of your brain isn't it the bit you struggled to control you know I was a bit where say you're at a Funeral somebody falls he can't help giggling and the thing was he was a blank it was a bloke who was giving the foot massage dominated me dressing down I'm just me trying to get myself together you know trying to calm myself down - I don't think I've ever even put myself off now I'm thinking of Eric Pickles and sauce traffic accidents sharks involved in traffic accidents turns out those shock traffic accidents bloody sexy they are no no see I'm having a little look at the bloke see if he can tell that I'm a bit distracted boy and I think I mean I think he's actually nice but I think you can tell that I'm definitely not concentrating funny mainly cuz I keep going to arc so thankfully you basically wipe its me feet in the old bucket war he goes off to reception he says you know you know come out when you ready he didn't say I'll finish you can finish yourself off now right yeah blacks will know if you do have an embarrassing erection it's not easy to cover it up is it you know you can stick your hand in your pocket can't you right and stick your bum out a bit but they tease - you just look like you still got an erection but you shat yourself at the same time you actually get these sandals now right but you've got pressure points on the inside of the sole right which massage your feet as you walk along my friend said he was gonna get me a pair for Christmas lastly don't do that tanning those I'm gonna get done for indecent behavior so the next time I'm at this hotel right I think no foot massage no foot massage I will just relax having a few drinks so I had a few drinks during the night on either piece doing this piss couple of things into me consciousness seems to be a little colder than I would have thought the hotel bathroom should be and there appears to be a lot of noise almost like there's an alarm going off and then gradually I realize I'm not in fact pissing into a toilet bowl I'm in fact pissing into a bowl full of his alias rationalize the situation I think to myself well obviously I was in a strange hotel bedroom I'll presumably miss the door to the hotel bathroom presumably gonna have the door into the corridor maybe one more door like a fire door sort of thing that could have happened to anybody but a couple of difficulties there compounding what's going on now firstly I don't tend to wear any clothes in bed and secondly I've tried this fire door from the outside and it doesn't appear to want one but so I am stark bollock many kids outside the hotel at four o'clock in the morning with no easy way of getting back in and I'm just starting to panic when I can see coming down the corridor right towards me through the front door right is this security guard for you see my chart I'll put the other end over me [ __ ] I want him to know I'm not an animal right how he turns off the firearm like how much the door we go mmm ghosts in our house I've done in fact to have Miki cold on me alright so for no apparent reason I'll go so does you I'll let you in he says which is your room cuz I assumed it was must be the one next to Fido I wasn't absolutely certain then I didn't want to go here this one him let me in me walk in somebody scream me walk out know that one so I said look I'm not certain he said well if you're not saying you will have to come down to reception with me what's it cost a he goes no I don't know what he's worried about you know every thought if he left me in the corridor I was just gonna run up and down waving me [ __ ] around having secretly was worried I wasn't part of the hotel at all and I just turned up naked by the fire door hoping to get lucky so he goes off to reception I've got to follow him so um I'm sort of creeping along behind him right knock on door them or something you know and we get to reception we work out is the one next to the fire door so he lets me in he goes off I put some clothes on and get back into bed I'm not gonna risk it happening again and it does so I come down a reception in the morning but there there he is that was section still but this time he's talking to a friend of mine and my friend's history oh did you hit the fire alarm last night he was one of our party and I was trying to work out what Ben said what when my friend turns to the security guy goes do you think you'd recognize who it was oh yeah and the security guard looks at me and he goes I'm not sure I'd recognize him with his clothes on and this is I'm walking past but so as nobody else could see right security car he leans into me and he goes I don't know if you're into flowers at all so he says but the azalea's outside looking surprisingly lovely after saw I was Frank's listing in a warm sunny humane you don't expect that from a security guard do you you know because he could so easily bring the jobsworth give me when I was at outside going can I come back in all right and he was on the warming so he could so easily couldn't he have just been there going that is what you want isn't it that's what you want a little bit of humanity from the people in your moments of need brilliant example of this I'm in a supermarket right I'm in a hell of a Hillary yeah the lad on the till knows I'm in a hurry I've only got about four items right first three go through the fourth one is a banana right it's got a barcode right but he's there trying to scan it right doesn't seem to want to scan I think Allah knows who kill people behind me it's gonna call the supervisor we're gonna be here ages this is a disaster to his credit right he tried to scan it one more time it wouldn't scan he went BIP himself and he chucked it we will be going for a little interval shortly ladies and gentlemen check your watch sir yeah yes it's time for that now you are the OCD member we were talking about aren't you sir Tony hey hey is that fifty minutes last one that's lovely ladies Tom that lovely may be a bit of wind and he felt bloody oh I need to get out there quickly let's see the ghost is coming into the front row if he doesn't run get a move on yes I have shared with you this half lies in him and he shared a little more than some of you wanted to be shared with but sure you know that he's mayor I am accident-prone oh I do like to relax and I do get easily frustrated or often with myself as I'm sure you can imagine you know often I'll be walking along the street or suddenly remember something I've done nothing yet and I think I think I may have said that out loud along with Lumi other difficulties I'm now gonna have to confess to having mild Tourette's as well he said moments all laughing do you have any redeeming characteristics whatsoever and I think we said well you know I'm not a wasteful person I don't have like 11 cars like Rowan Atkinson supposed to have I don't have eight cars like Jeremy Clarkson supposed to have they in fact have more cars than I've got pairs of shoes because you've been how many cars and how many shoes to actually need you know the people at O'Hare I need to get myself a long green pair of shoes to go in the on green jacket me long green fairy freakin now you need to get rid of you long green jacket you're laundering trousers they long green why did you get me silver onesie now you done that sounds like something a dog would do it apart but you know the plate without you oh I've got to get myself a new car you know one last year I know but this one he does know what to 60 in 4.2 seconds I'm Philippe on that a car that didn't know what the 60 in 3.2 seconds when I reversed that mature I probably killed somebody giving it does it does he really you'll never know I once had a Ford Fiesta it said its top speed was 136 miles an hour it wasn't if I got up above about 75 or 4 I've been the victim of an earthquake these divers watch here goes down to a depth of 200 meters that's 200 meters you'll think it 200 meters that is the depth at the North Sea if you find yourself at the bottom of the North Sea you're not diving bubble is running out and it's gonna be little consolation you know what the timings do you know how much this one's worth RRP 35 grand and you're thinking is it really well let me tell you if I had a watch that was worth 35 grand I would want some features on that watch for instance I'd want to be able to drive it thirty-five grand you can get a pause yeah and lo and behold you open that driver's door there on the dashboard is a sodden cloth you'd have got myself all worked up again I may have to have a little foot massage in the interval I hope you enjoy yours just so much seen a bit oh yes what an interval that was ladies and gentlemen a chance maybe for a drink maybe for a snack maybe for a week maybe for a pool please welcome back a man who in fact had all four also spent means while having a little sneaky peek into dressing room one and was pleased to find out it was [ __ ] the man whose name is apparently an anagram for Randy as porn here is Andy Parsons oh yeah how long I've had a biscuit how long how was your interval with your eye they're good oh you've got ice cream on you sir hey little snacks and you're making it last making the lane you're next you bloody jealous aren't you where else we're all got drinks drinks a little plastic glasses though no they don't trust you do they I'm moving backwards anyway but I see the famous Freight kicking off in the end of all lay down so you want to be careful you want to be careful because apparently half pound according to the police one in 20 drinks are now spiked in Britain but I was thinking you could probably use that as an excuse not to go into work the next day now or I can't come in the drink was spiked how'd you know well I'd 20 of them by the police hey struggling among em they can say oh the government have cut their numbers and the police said they or they said if you cut our numbers crime is gonna go up now crime has in fact gone down that's slightly embarrassing for the police isn't it best interpretation of those figures is that police numbers have very little effect on overall crime the worst interpretation of those figures is in fact that the police were responsible for a lot of the crime because obviously some of the police officers been up to no good and made I mean taking some money off the tabloid journalists and of course the public have been asked they said what you want to happen about this and publicly said we want legislation against these journalists we don't trust the journalists but they've said they don't actually want MPs to legislate against the journalists because they trust the MPs even less than the journalists and that's the tragedy isn't it obviously people don't think in peace tell them the truth that often and there are times when you think well maybe they're justified supposedly the Home Office have a number for how many Romanian immigrants they think are going to come to Britain next year but they're not going to tell anybody instead they were thinking of advertising within Romania to try and put people off coming to Britain under the slogan you won't like it here telling them how crap our weather was when I was thinking surely a better advert would be to tell the Romanians that within Europe Britain has the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease violent crime obesity drug use and depression and then follow up with a big picture of Jimmy Savile has to do the tricks in there but do you think what a tragedy that politics is regarded as less trustworthy than the profession that the phone of a dead girl you have anymore who's gonna save politics various names abandoned around in Scotland they talk of Alex Salmond the man is obviously very keen that Scotland gets to consume its fair share of UK resources although he himself appears to have consumed more than his current survey suggests 31% of Scottish people want Scotland to leave United Kingdom same survey suggests a 41% of English people once Scotland to leave United which is wild to mainly are having those Scots will go for independence right they'll never want to make that many English people that freakin happy then Alex Salmond Boris Johnson a man who apparently is desperate to become our next prime minister but what you may not know he was in fact born in America so he is eligible to become the next president of the United States of America and that would be my preferred option the most powerful man in the world the leader of the free nations and you just see a picture of a fat scare corner Pike the man is a serial shagger isn't he this is the man right his first major went tits up because he was having affair right then he got kicked off the conservative front bench because he lied about a second affair and now his current wife why she kicked him out of the matrimonial home for a while because he was having a third affair and you're thinking right paddy ashdown he only had one affair he got known as paddy pants dad what other journalists waiting for given that Boris his surname is Johnson and his initials are BJ and building over you gotta love him I knew he squeaked essentially British and I'm four you know he was born in America he's named after a Russian and he looks like a swedish person who's eaten another swedish person people go oh well you know he wants Cameron's job and the economy's not doing very well cameras they go no no we gotta liven up the economy we're gonna get markets involved this is Cameron's big thing is he wants to get private firms involved in health anything one who actually sponsored the Olympics it was McDonald's and Coca Cola we don't want them and sponsoring our health service a can of coke contains 19 spoonfuls of sugar you can see it now can you a teaspoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down and we're giving you an x-ray for free of course I'm very happy with the rails every something because that's franchises its markets although they've mucked up and made on the west coast main line franchise because they can have to redo that costing the taxpayer minimum fourteen million pounds and what I didn't realize we actually subsidize the rail system all the times as much now that we don't own it as when we did under British Rail they don't tell us that when they were privatizing it they they didn't go all the way fed up with pumping all this money in the British Rail so what you do privatize it and then we can pump even more money in and not all of that money will go to improving services some of it will go to improving Richard Branson and man who said so much of your cash he shouldn't be called virgin he should be called slag then we got you nothing's me from Wheaton these welfare reforms in the opinion if you're trying to save money on the welfare budget surely the easiest and best way of doing that isn't it is to actually raise the minimum wage so as the government they don't have to pay so many tax credits because at the moment there's a big debate between the parties in there about a living wage against the minimum wage now it turns out the living wage is in fact the minimum wage that you can live off for your basic needs so it turns out the minimum wage isn't in fact the minimum wage in fact less than the minimum wage anything well if it's less than me why is it called the minimum wage because if you can't live a bit you might as well do nothing money would you like a job can I love it no prison wind or stop but now we're now from Cameron when he's big policy on Europe is all right the big policy is gonna be this he is gonna go in hard yes hard to Brussels and he's gonna try and claw back hoes of Paris from Brussels and when he's done that he's gonna put it to us in a referendum and he's gonna campaign equally hard at that point to stay in Europe Tony Blair has compared that policy as like sticking a gun to your own head I would compare that policy is like turning up to a party threatening to leave the party sitting on the carpet and then going onstage memorably described you kept as food cakes loonies and closet racists and after we described him as such loads of people went out and voted for you Kip know she describes a large proportion of the police electorate they were going what there is a party for me we discovered at the same time that apparently the average age now of a Conservative Party member is 68 oh yeah we have another winter like last year they're in right bloody trouble there Nigel Faraj the leader of you Kip he said that all the other party leaders they come from the same elitist background you're thinking this is a man it was a stockbroker who went to public school so what if he was really a man of the people he wouldn't be called Nigel Faraj would he he be called Nigel Farage not garage doing society people come over here done they and they don't learn how to pronounce our words it's a bloody outrage that's what it is Britany democrat some way liberal democrats struggling at the moment down fifty percent from the general election Otley from twenty two percent popularity down to eleven percent now I still think people are missing the trick having if anybody asks anybody who they're gonna vote for the next generation everybody should say Liberal Democrat right and then when it comes to general Nixon nobody should vote for them and when Nick Clegg goes all but you promised us we can all go yeah and now you know how we feel but he's not the least popular member of the cabinet oh no the least popular member of the cabinet George Osborne current popularity - 53 you know thought - was a pretty poor popularity we knew - 53 that sounds like even imaginary people think he [ __ ] as well the use of man he went to Brussels to campaign to keep bank bonuses exactly the same as they were before the crisis in your thinking if a bank has made a profit right they get a bonus but if a bank has made a loss and we've bailed them out I don't think they should get a bonus because it gets it in the neck from us right the public right after the banking crisis it was the people who work as cashiers out front now most of them aren't or much more than minimum wage so not only do I think the bankers shouldn't get up on this right but I think whoever's made the loss they should have to work out front right that's cashier number four so as we can have a word with them and when that tenor tells us which window to go to it also tells us what they've done wrong you know the tan always they're going he's wasted free billion of your cash don't tell him what you think of him capacity number to change what has changed since the financial crisis yeah what can you put your finger on have they actually split up the bank's into that retail investment sides now have they main the banks small enough to fail no have they done anything about bank policies no the one and only thing you can put your finger on and go yes that has changed right is the fat the sir Fred Goodwin is no longer sir Fred Goodwin but let's face it that's made there a little practical difference in it because if you ever source a Fred Goodwin you wouldn't have called him Sir Fred Goodwin would you you might have called him a lot of things but Sir would not have been one of them in the same way if you ever came across Lord Sugar you probably wouldn't call him Lord show could you you'd probably call him sugar just to annoy him to make him a cup of tea you might go sugar sugar a cup of hot lemon you might go sugar hmm and you might not get a job on the apprentice but it'd be worth it just to see the look on his see James face and then we got Michael go over education in Harrogate every place in the country it doesn't matter this is the man what's his big policy what's Hamilton gonna change our kids education rote learning that's what he thinks yeah he thinks learning by less that is the way to do it and the other thing that is just not an interesting way to learn is it no I happen to know right Hampton I William the first William the second Henry the first then we got Stephen in Erie the second then Richard John Henry the third ed with the first second third we got Richard the second entry Henry the fourth 56 Hebrew the fourth it was Richard the third then we've got Henry same period the - we head with the 6th then we got married and we got Elizabeth James the first chance first Charles second James the second William and Mary Anne for George's in and we William the fourth Victoria Edward the seventh then we got George the fifth here with the 8th George's six Elizabeth the second and Charles the unready right now I am tonight it's [ __ ] pointless I'm a Republican I reckon a lot of ardent monarchists would struggle to name a lot of those my guess is that even Prince Harry would struggle to name a lot of those he probably knows about three dozen t40 Henry the fifth cuz he was a bit of a fighter Henry eight because he was a bit of a shaker in Georgia third because he used to get killed for no reason whatsoever but your thing he's not an interesting way to learn anything surely more interesting would be if you learned it from the princes in the tower if you learned it as battle Bosworth it lets the carpark shagger syphilis congenital syphilis Catholic ginger Catholic ginger Kade what oak tree the [ __ ] yeah fella for 17 pregnancies German German mad German mad German shagger you're not amused Lily Langtry euthanasia abdication lisp husband a racist have you learn it like that the coach the government they always going hard well this is left-wing media bias and you'll thing were there's loads of right-wing comics on it just so happens at the moment most of them seem to be investigated by operation you tree there's still loads of right-wing column this is actually no reason why they couldn't come along to a comedy club and test that their material and I for one I'd love to see it alright lui I tell you I those ways sake preachers and I hate those jihadists and I hate those serial killers but I'll tell you I really hate cyclists Oh with their smugness and they're like renounce little GoPro cameras on their bloody helmets filming everything yeah they deserve to be knocked off don't they huh hustle one the other day right oh he had his like Ron Denis and he had this streamlined helmet and now he's at those little time trial handlebars and I for two beats every twenty stone I don't think that streamline helmets day much brother yards hey what's all this within flapping the bloody sword in your car if they think you're going a bit close with your car hey when's when weeping this cycling bit close to our car can we lean down slap their bike yeah and ones when they're writing on the pavement can the pedestrian give them a good slap around the jabs puffing they should be able to because let's face it there's loads of examples in there of cyclists killing pedestrians on pavement obviously I've not bothered to find any you know probably not as many examples as motorists killing sock this Barbet most of those bloody deserved it denied hey cuz I don't keep in today don't keep in to the curb you take for ages trying to get around them in your car and you just about get around them anything yeah I've got random then you come to a bloody traffic all right and I go in front of you oh you think I could give him a nudge you know and if they fall off with a staff wouldn't it things get themselves a decent helmet right not one we caps in loving to their heads yeah this like a bunch of bananas Denis where somebody's eating they were a banana and if you're really worried about it get yourself a decent audible warning sound yeah what's or non city's tingling hey jingling I was gonna do you know in traffic tingling I think you're gonna kill me tingling apparently women they're more like get knocked off because they don't shout at the motorists will get yourself a decent Bell tinkling Roy maybe one this way I would like to see women with a belt like that because I would find it quite sexual but I want you to remember how I love [ __ ] I love trolley yeah granny mainly not in them since 1887 but no longer where is it made now Germany and what if the Germans ever done for us I'll tell you what they've done for us all they've given us yeah Shepherds dogs and measles right no German measles anymore can you you got say rubella renew its political correctness gone mad we're gonna have to say AIDS next instead of gay plague I don't know what this government is coming to gay marriage gay marriage we could have a lesbian queen two lesbians on the throne that's more like one of my DVD collection ace hardshell yo and watch them is he saying this Romanians coming over to Brittany he's exactly the same people going to live in Spain it's nothing like is it yeah because romaine is coming over to Britain they coming into where money where is people going over to Spain they burn their money right and they're going to go to Spain to try and hide it from the police hey anyway I've had the bar bottom line cuz I've been banned from driving so stupid speed songs you know the ones you know if you're going under the speed limit they give you a smiley face then they but if you going over the speed limit they give you a grumpy face well I've got the grumpy face dinner so I thought well next time I'm gonna go even faster see if I can make the face to cry then the thing is way it's not so much fun driving now anyways it cuz you can't drive piss can you yeah but you can get a bike and you can be completely off your tits and nobody gives you [ __ ] so that's what I do i circle on the pavement or slap the cars I don't keep into the curb it's bloody brilliant the thing isn't right wing or left wing right politicians of relaunch they're not really connecting at the moment so they're trying to find other ways of connecting minutes so they're trying to tell us a little stories about themselves or to lure us in we found out recently that Ed Balls he likes to watch Antiques Roadshow which he says makes him cry and when I heard this all I could think of what sort of emotional [ __ ] cries an Antiques Roadshow then we found out ed miliband apparently he used to be able to do the Rubik's Cube one-handed in 1 minute 23 seconds aged 14 and when I heard that all I could think of what the hell was the other hand doing what was she she wanted to go on I'm a celebrity because she didn't want to popularize herself she wanted to popularize politics but of course she's got no politics in the Edit because people don't watch all I'm a celebrity for politics today you don't get people going oh I'm very interested to find out what Eric Bristow thinks about quantitive easing but I'm just gonna watch me to kangaroo penis for a while George Galloway made the same mistake to me he went on Celebrity Big Brother hoping to talk politics he ended up in a pink leotard doing an impression of a cat and this is the man who came out in support Wikipedia's Julian Assange saying he said he didn't think having sex with somebody when they're asleep he said that's not rape he said that is merely bad sexual etiquette this is the MP for respect I assume he doesn't think having sex with a dead person that's not necrophilia that's just poor funeral manners I was excited to see what Harrogate made of that lady doing ready drinking on it people look at politicians like this and they go oh wow they just Fame obsessed aren't they self oriented attention seeking idiots do you think actually the public expect politicians now to have a certain amount of show business about people like a bit of show business people expect comedy shows to have a big showbiz ending and to have a big ending you really need music don't you now I can't sing can't dance can't play a musical instrument as we've already established the only thing I'm really good at he said at the end of me garden doing Farkle but all figured me coming out with a garden chair having a bit of a snooze was probably not the finale we were all looking for so I thought I'll get myself down to one of those recording studios with all don't you I would do a version of my way all right the bloke who ran the recording studio said I think Andy I need to explain to you how auto-tune works he said if you're half a note either side it averages out it sounds fantastic he said you're not a note either side he said during a different octave how about instead of doing a cover version of Frank Sinatra doing a cover version of Milli Vanilli and getting somebody else to do it for you so I thought to myself I thought wala alternatively why don't we get loads of indoor fireworks I thought yeah we have them all against the backdrop it's gonna look brilliant I checked it out they said not only is it a health and safety issue they said it's also an insurance issue but you can use party poppers if you want I said you don't get that on the x-factor to you you don't get some singer coming out to sing their song and next to them some bloke in a high-rise jacket people like a bit of so business myself I'm hoping to do a bit of acting either that or EastEnders - I like to think I've shown my emotional range already tonight ladies and gentleman anger this that's all you need for East End isn't it I love you come back laughing I could easily be a long-lost Mitchell brother obviously I'd need some sort of you know audition monologue good night now they tend to use those Shakespearean marks maybe what I could do maybe I could do that Henry the fifth right but in the style of EastEnders once more into the breach dear friends once more or close the wall up with our English dead because even if they are dead they can always come back at some later stage there's a different actor in peace nothing does so become a man as modest stillness and humility but if somebody looks at you a bit funny burn the place down and flame it back on the insurance steering the sinews and summon up the blood and try and shake off the fat you ate the Webber does this act in school boy don't you learn the oil a terrible aspect compare the chest Lord Tim I'm Peggy didn't carry on campaign the taste and flair the nostril wide look you've just ruined your septum doing lines of coke with sister serous dishonor not your mother's and prove that those men that you do claim to be your father's to truly conceive you by getting on the Jeremy Carl and having a paternity test be a copy to your fellow brethren and show them how to fight them it's your way what you looking at cam IPAB you Muppet no I see you standing there not crayons in the slips straining for the start well the game's afoot quite good for Wofford Queen back but it's not just that they also like the trappings of show business yeah people waste an awful lot of money things like personalized number plates if it you know never get one anybody can't get a personalized number plate right because you can change your name by Depot for a tenner right just change your name of your car registration numbers I've just saved love c-3po similarly because Salman Khan did an interview where he said he no longer uses ordinary toilet paper but he buys designer toilet paper which is black and cost 10 pounds a roll there apparently now has been a run on designer toilet paper in Britain which is black and cost 10 pounds a roll and you're thinking not only is that a complete waste of money but how can you tell if your arse is clean and if that wasn't enough travel orders came out and they said last year 20,000 books were left in travel orgies across Britain 7,000 of which were the same book 50 shades of grey and I'm guessing there's probably a few guilty faces in tonight's audience probably mainly the ladies is that yes they are yes it's me I'm proud of it Oh 7,000 but you're thinking now of course it's gonna be mainly the ladies because it's not an erotic book for blokes you see no pictures I myself I myself have read it you know I picked up a copy in the Travelodge no no I had to do it right for the Cheltenham literary festival and the story is this 22 you're very good-looking hot student she's a virgin she comes across a very good-looking 27 year old tech billionaire who happens to be into BDSM and that is BDSM not PSM as I read on one website there is a big difference between bondage discipline sadomasochism and the British School immigrant BSM they come round and you're wearing your nipple clamps that driving lesson but the whole thing the whole thing seems somewhat unrealistic to me right here this woman's had no sexual contact whatsoever in their first contact right she orgasms what does he do what he tweaks a nipple right that's it yeah now supposedly one in three women right struggle to orgasm at all most knees at least 20 minutes sexual activity virtually all needs some form of clitoral stimulation but boy billionaire he just thinks oh I'll just have a little go yeah I'll just have a little tweak of the nipple oh that's worked there's a bonus yeah I was there you know what my favorite line in the entire book is it goes he took off his socks individually thank you sir who he took his socks off simultaneously Tony's ass made a bit of a track of himself but we like darling we like to judge how moral everybody else is but how often do we think how moral actually are we as an example right I recently was involved in a car accident but I say I say I was involved in the car accident my car was involved in an accident I was in fact in bed at the time my car was parked outside my house right four o'clock in the morning my taxi driver going down my road a straight road like no other vehicles involved wrote off my car and tried to drive away and would have done so if my next-door neighbor hadn't collared him right so next-door neighbor knocks on my door says you want to come out some blokes just messed up your car all right so what come out at me dressing again going what's going on all right taxi driver goes oh I'm sorry I was tired I said when I was tired at which point what this young copper turns up and he goes to me says whose fault do you think it was to snore but not some lively somebody's had a crash in the street outside and you can imagine this was particularly traumatic for me it was there you know cuz there I am in my dressing gown and looking at this traffic accident and all I can think of is sharks and Eric Pickles and I don't want you to think right that I had part bath I had part neatly up against the curb because you can now get fined if you park more than 50 centimeters away from the curb now I personally don't mind that because 50 centimeters is almost two feet if you can't park within two feet of the curb you've not talked abou you have stopped in traffic in fact but this wasn't the only occasion I had to come across some police officers recently right I also came across five who were chasing after a young lad four fully five minutes and I was watching them and I was stood still anything how is that possible well they were chasing off this young lad he was so pissed that he was running around in a really big circle yet not one of the police officers had the foresight to think well if I stand here I get him next time he comes around they only managed to apprehend him because he was laughing so hard at which point the lead copper steel rugby tackled him right but was in such poor shape he put his back out all right so we had to let go at which point the young lad stood up and started doing it and of course the police they are supposed to be looking after the politicians aren't me but you know sometimes you wonder how good a job they do nick clegg you may have seen this had dog [ __ ] shoved through his letterbox I'm guessing he wasn't best pleased at the policeman guarding the front of his house didn't do a better job preventing it because you know you can imagine Kearney you know young lad walking up the garden path right and a cop was there going what are you doing oh well what I was just going to shove a dog [ __ ] through his net books all right go ahead there is a lot of abuse out there isn't Haden Miliband he always gets called Wallace from Wallace and Gromit and he says yes wow you know if you were gonna design a politician I know it wouldn't look like me in different get what he's probably why isn't he he's not helped by that little white patch of hair they has just here makes him look like half man half better he says what is he's actually prematurely aging but just in one tiny little bit of his head and if we that's a bit weird isn't it it's a bit like those people you see you've had Botox on their face and then you look at their neck and it looks like a lizard's ballsack there is a lot of abuse out there isn't especially online you feel costs or if their kids don't you those ones who go to school get bullied at school yeah come on turn on the computer get bullied at Hong Kong oh it's all changed since the days of Garry partridge in it well I'm guessing most of you don't know Gary partridges these are bloke I was at school boy I might have forgotten who Gary poetry was if it wasn't for one fact line and that was the fact all right that one lunch atomic Carrie came out but just sheepish out at the school toilets right having flushed a little too often so a search party is organized and it turned out carrie has done a monster poo right oh it was a big one right it was like the opposite of an iceberg yeah ninety percent of it was out of the water okay and you know they say that childbirth is like pulling a melon well in which case Gary Partridge had given birth to a pumpkin let me tell you that and he was Gary Portuguese only had a very small ass right so there was a big debate as to how big his answer was in comparison to the rest of his ass and whether his buttocks were liable to be sucked into an anal void well this would probably have just been one break Tom's entertainment if it wasn't for one other fact and that was the school photography competition was on at the same time a state school had spent some of its very limited cash on a brand-new Polaroid camera and the idea was you let the power of that camera you had to go around school and you had to take a photo something you thought was amazing you stick it on the school notice board but with a name and what it was so the Pooh is stuck on the notice board Gary Partridge what I did in my lunch break right and there is a song in the charts of the time by Robert Plant called big log ok so whenever Gary comes into a classroom where everybody starts singing big log and he's no longer cool Gary's called the Stig because he is this thing of the dump right then so you can imagine teacher walking along the corridor as a look at the photographs sees that boom he gets taken down Kerry is disqualified from the photography competition so then half the school go round with a little badge on justice for Gary right and this is 28 years ago ever right nothing how would that story has spread now with Facebook with Twitter with YouTube as it was we had a reunion recently Gary walks into the pub the whole pub goes dude and then when he went to the loo somebody followed him in with an iPhone I don't want you to think that I'm immune to abuse I was recently described as a cross between Ming the Merciless and Robby the seal from pingu and I thought I had a goatee beard but according to one young girl it looks like I have an arrow going up my nose when you're bringing me all the abuse out there right the more abuse that is heaped on politicians the more the laughingstock they become right the less trusted and respected they are as a profession the more it seems that comedians think they can become politicians you may have seen an expert an image writer stood for Labor easly by-election there are now elected comedians in Iceland in Italy in America the even Eddie Izzard is said he is going to stand to be the 2020 London mayor he's obviously seen Boris Johnson [ __ ] it I must have a chance he will have even suggested that I might want to stand for political office saying such things as well you can't be worse than the current crop believe you me I can where is the Secretary of State for health well he's writing his conference speech how to avoid rigor mortis with you [ __ ] face on I get easily frustrated I enjoy relaxing a little too much and I shan't [ __ ] at myself in public when anything will Boris

Channel: MrThepunisher14

Views: 443,296

Rating: 4.5386415 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy (Theater Genre)

Id: j9_i32JoscI

Length: 85min 18sec (5118 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 01 2015