If Sports Drink Commercials Were Honest

are you a high-performing athlete do you strive for excellence and test the limits of your own endurance if so you're the ideal candidate to drink our flavored solution of salt sugar and water if you're not an elite athlete a regular diet of salted sugar water may contribute to obesity or high blood pressure but we'd still like you to drink it as the elite athlete market alone is too small to support our business a solution of salt sugar and water is also helpful if you have a hangover extreme diarrhea or just want to feel marginally less guilty about drinking a soda we promised our flavored solution of salt sugar and water will temporarily satisfy your obsolete caveman brain's insatiable desire for sweets that's because it contains the same amount of sugar as a can of coke and enough salt to kill a banana slug and only Horton brand combines three secret ingredients with pitch and flavor names for a placebo effect you can taste we also put words on the bottle that seemed connected to the idea of health but actually made sugar and salt words like electrolytes fuel power vitamin and cooled dirt I made up that last one anyway here's someone running on a treadmill attached to sensors this does an excellent job of illustrating the type of thing that is not a part of our process most professional athletes today don't even drink salted sugar water unless we pay them to you'd think they wouldn't need the extra money but they've ruined their bodies for your entertainment and must take what they can before their spines degrade into a fine yeah kind of chalky Horton flavored solution of salt sugar and water this year there's a purple one called Panther rain that's what I call a slam dunk and Roger with the pen yeah I'm Roger by the way actually three Jesus

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,614,045

Rating: 4.9489813 out of 5

Keywords: Sports Drink (Beverage), Drink (Consumer Product), gatorade, powerade, vitamin water, Advertising, Coca-Cola (Endorsed Product), sugar, High-fructose Corn Syrup (Food), sketch, comedy, funny, spoof, humor, cracked, cracked.com, Sketch Comedy (TV Genre), Food (TV Genre), Satire (TV Genre), Parody, Commercials, Television (Invention), Commercial parody

Id: HzrBMXRp1FI

Length: 2min 56sec (176 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 13 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Murphington]

That was great. Reminds me of this scene from The Invention of Lying: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfMmWOF_H88

[u/anomoly]

Why would you want to drink this stuff when you could feel so energetic?!?!

[u/sample_material]

"a placebo effect you can taste!"

Brilliant.

[u/CountGrasshopper]

Mitch Hedberg had a similar joke:

By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

[u/Trent_Boyett]

Kenyans!

[u/andhelostthem]

Horton is okay but it's no Brawndo.

[u/drfragenstein]

I'm consistently amazed at how people will choose to drink these things in normal life. On a 150km bike ride, sure I'll drink them as a convenient source of sugar and salt that my body needs. But they don't taste half as good as actual soft drinks or fruit juices and yet mates will choose their vaguely chemical taste instead when sitting around watching a game of footy. Such a marketing success.

[u/jbird221]

Sports drinks are actually a good source of oral rehydration.

[u/slabby]

Unless you have POTS, in which case it's not a bad idea to drink it. But obviously the low cal kind, because that's too much goddamn sugar.