6 Ways the Food Industry Tricks You Into Eating Garbage - The Spit Take

hazelnuts are a lie you're drinking zombie orange juice they're hiding paper in your food it sounds kind of crazy you want to start in the middle like that woods let's actually take it a step back [Music] in the beginning there were grapes and olives and they were good about peanut M&M size one with salty one was grapes they made us less hungry without killing us and told us they weren't poisoned by not tasting like [ __ ] that was the basic agreement with food you make us less hungry without poisoning us maybe add a little of something sweet for daddy and we in return will poop your seeds all over the place and are naturally fertilizing poop it was a crude arrangement but it worked we cooked our food and the oil from olives had our sex well drunk on grapes life was good when it was really good we hired people to feed us grapes but eventually we got so good at cultivating these plants that everything went to [ __ ] today grapes are mostly known as the worst flavor of everything when we become candy millionaires as kids on Halloween its first candy that gets aronia future archaeologists will mark each passing year by the layers of purple Jolly Ranchers and great blow pops descending down into the earth like a layer cake from hell grapes didn't change they're still delicious and we never figured out a better way to make wine so why does grape flavored everything taste like other fruit flavors mixed with burnt plastic because these days your food and its flavor are usually handled by completely separate industries and the flavor industries resume mostly consists of covering four smelly dudes by tricking other people into thinking they smell olives are still a workhorse they kill the taste of our most flammable alcoholic drinks and make the best healthiest cooking oil we know how to make still you know drug dealer's taste test cocaine before giving you the briefcase of money they're paying you for the cocaine well olive oil so much better than the other oils they have machines specifically designed to taste test the purity of extra-virgin olive oil to make sure nobody's replacing a cheap [ __ ] substitute oil first cheap [ __ ] substitute oil they test for hazelnut oil yes hazelnuts are so cheap they literally have a [ __ ] detector to keep people from pretending they were a respectable food shoe bullet dodged for the oil baron's unfortunately the people who invented that machine are really good at isolating chemical compounds of flavors like hazelnuts and there are other interests include tricking you into giving them your money and keeping your money those are those really their main things one day those guys were like hey you know that mutually beneficial agreement where food tells us to eat it by not tasting like [ __ ] well what if we can hack that feedback loop by adding weird chemicals and what if just hear me out of here we could make that guy whose money I want think he was eating delicious life-sustaining food but we were really selling him the stuff that tastes like [ __ ] on account of you're not supposed to eat it you may recognize this attracting your mark with something that only smells sweet as the same tactic used by venus flytraps when humans do it to other humans it's called flavor engineering and they've used it to make hazelnuts taste like chocolate flavor butter and melted vanilla ice cream they didn't even bother making the hazelnut flavored products tastes the same just as long as it tastes like one of the main ingredients in ice cream sundaes it isn't nuts to see how perfume companies get involved let's look at the fresh-squeezed orange juice in your fridge which is less fresh than you might think at some point during the 90s the orange juice industry decided they were tired of being the second least credible OJ in America so they started tinkering with the manufacturing process of the one product that commits to the details of the manufacturing process right there in the name they decided to see if they could store their fresh-squeezed juice in giant vacuum seal holding tanks take it out a year later and trick you into drinking it but they had a problem when it came out of the tanks a year later the year-old juice or has it been known up to that point in history orange garbage water has no taste millions of years of evolution had provided our faces with a face alarm made out of senses and it was telling you well if something's not right here they're they're trying to feed you zombie orange juice dude run this is where the clone guys come in the OJ people hired the company that formulated ck1 to create a chemical cocktail that would not just override your face alarm but actually use it against you the cocktail known as a flavor pack would trick your alarm into telling you yeah we're nostrils deepened you see fresh orange over here even though you were actually drinking dead flavorless fruit muck with a glorified citrus scented air freshener hidden inside and that's what they do with a product you'll only buy if it's a hundred percent pure imagine what they put in the food whose ingredients you don't even pay attention to wait actually I should just tell them what they do right okay did you guys catch that joke in the background where I was like they make everything on the Sunday out of hazelnuts except nuts which they probably made out of cardboard was a funny joke right cardboard feel like we have fun together only it wasn't a joke they're replacing the flour and oil and food with cellulose which is unrefined newspaper it's cheaper or better at binding food together and totally indigestion by humans but what cellulose lacks and technically being food it more than makes up for in keeping the lumber industry humming it's either this or offload it through a pant leg in the prison yard here's a quick list of all the food you're eating that is at least partially made of indigestion wood pulp even if you love sushi you've probably never tasted wasabi if you're from America that was horseradish mustard and green food coloring run through whatever machine makes the foam they stick flowers oh and while we're interrupting your sushi dinner that person who keeps repeating so fresh oh my god it's so fresh between each bite probably doesn't realize they're salmon had to be dyed that color salmon color most salmon data is raised on a farm and fed something called aquamarine pellets and arrives at the grocery store or restaurant as gray as Anderson Cooper's grandfather's pubes well we have our fluorescent orange paintbrush out let's talk crabmeat as this video with an upbeat 80s work safety soundtrack demonstrates most crabmeat starts out as cheap scraps of the type of white fish they can't sell people with eyes from there it's just a quick trip through seafood hell as it gets pulverized into a lumpy white slurry frozen shaved into flakes ground in a vat and formed into a rope that's then sliced up also that's how you killed Jason Voorhees to make sure he stays dead it's not dissimilar from the process by which they glue the steak you bought at the local grocery store together that's not one steak it's something called meat glue because you guys this time we're going on vacation displays Americans spent 1.8 trillion dollars on food last year which is about 10% of the gross domestic product and twice what we spent on gas yet we picture that industry as a bunch of fat businessmen and bolo ties manipulating the prices and jerking off into piles of money because they totally are doing that point is we give the food industry a pass and we shouldn't truth is the food industry is much closer to the tobacco industry back before we knew they were trying to kill us you imagine if the food industry tried some [ __ ] like this ad for smoking featuring their greatest athlete oh right see it's their job to make food seem more complicated than it actually is we're bombarded with fad diets and health foods that tastes like cardboard and delicious foods that are made of cardboard and someone tells you that people who eat Mediterranean diets live longer you're too exhausted to research what Mediterranean people eat I mean knows right and that's actually exactly how they want [Music] and a small con it'd be one CEO vg2 will pass by tonight coming closer to Earth than the moon's orbit okay team gather round are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money they don't have if you phrase it differently than that then yes if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear playing next door I feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me you know yeah [Music] alright [ __ ] listen up [Music] [Music] we just got superpowers me too for sure [Music]

Channel: Cracked

Views: 1,390,012

Rating: 4.7782001 out of 5

Keywords: The Spit Take, Monsanto, Orange Juice, Sketch, comedy, parody, funny, food, spoof, humor, eating, satire, the spit take, cracked, cracked.com, Sketch Comedy (TV Genre), Butter, Food Industry

Id: F0cdYR7kXrc

Length: 8min 37sec (517 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 24 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/TChuff]

Is there a way to find out what OJ companies are adding the orange flavoring and which are pure OJ. I drink Natalie's and I swear it tastes fresher than others. But is there a way to find out?

[u/MILSPEC_]

Cracked is awful.