It is good to be here. I barely made it here. I am from Kentucky, the entertainment capital of the world, if you guys didn't know that. (audience laughing) But, that's what Tim Wilson used to say all the time. And I was running late to the airports, and I was literally running and I was so excited that when I went through the metal detector, that the alarm didn't go off, I went, "Woo hoo!" You should not celebrate (audience laughing) when the alarm doesn't go off. (audience laughing) Little tip for you though, when you're getting patted down by the TSA it goes by much quicker if you go, "I like that, that's nice." (audience laughing) No don't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was, that was, that was dumb. I shouldn't have said that. I'll have them edit that out, that was too far. (audience clapping) I missed my flight. I had to book another flight with Southwest. I've never flown Southwest. Have you ever flown Southwest? - [Audience] Yeah. - I did not know the lay of the land, man, and I get there and I go, "Where do I sit?" And she said, "You sit anywhere you want." Which is cool 'cause I've always wanted to sit in the cockpit, and... (audience laughing) Little tip for you, when you're getting patted down by the TSA... (audience laughing) I feel good, I feel good, I lost 20 pounds. How about that, woo hoo! (audience cheering) I got about 15 more, 15 more and I think I'll be where I want to be. I tried everything, too. I was on Weight Watchers, no, I was on Jenny Craig, and she was like, "Get off me, tubby," I kinda, yeah... (audience laughing) You like that, Tubby, yeah. (audience laughing) I appreciate it, what's your name? - [Isaac] Isaac. - I'm Tom, I'm glad to hear you Isaac. Thanks for coming out, brother, oh man. I joined a gym, how about that, joined a gym, two weeks ago, yeah. And my wife is like a workout fanatic. And she's like, "Honey, you gotta confuse your muscles. "When you go to the gym, "you gotta confuse your muscles." And I tried it. The other day I was going to the gym and right when I got in the parking lot, I was like, "Psych!" (audience laughing) I went to Cracker Barrel, man, I confused the heck out of 'em, it was awesome. (audience laughing) Lotta stuff going on in the world man, find some prayers for everything going on in the world is cray cray, and hey. Have you ever felt like you have too many friends on Facebook? Just post your political view points on your wall. (audience laughing) I don't have any political view points man, I can't stand it to be honest. I don't talk about it. And my wife, she's all upset. She has her view points, you know. (audience laughing) I love her dearly, but. And she got mad at me because I wouldn't watch the debates. Like "Baby, I'd rather watch the weather channel. (audience laughing) "At least there's a 50% chance that what they say "will actually happen." (audience applauding) "We're gonna lower taxes." No you're not. (audience laughing) I got audited two years ago. And the guy was like, "Mr. Mead, you claim you spent "15 thousand dollars on hotel rooms last year, "but you don't have the receipts." "Got the towels. (audience laughing) "I'm not stupid." (audience laughing) Right now the big thing is illegal aliens, you can't call them that. It's undocumented citizens or something like that. I don't mind the immigrants, I think they're fine folks and good people, hard workers. I just think they're a tad confused. If they want to take American jobs, they should move to India. (audience laughing) 'Cause when's the last time you called American Express and actually spoke with American. (audience laughing) - [Audience Member] That's true! - You, you spoke with someone who pretended to be American. Like, "Hello, my name is Andy." "Well, hey! (audience laughing) "How you doing, Andy! "This is Isfah Mohammad "from Bullet County, Kentucky! (audience laughing) "It's good to hear your voice, Andy!" (audience laughing) They always use those Americano phrases that make you feel more comfortable, "Hello my brother from another mother." "Well, hey! (audience laughing) "I didn't see that one coming, Andy." (audience laughing) That's good, that's good stuff, man. I make a living off pulling pranks, that's what I do. I started out with a CD called revenge, and the telemarketers and a TV called Mabe in America and I was just in a movie called Natural Born Pranksters and when the movie wrapped, we all had to go do press. And since I was the old guy, I had to go do like Reader's Digest. (audience laughing) You know you made it when you're in the Reader's Digest. And then lady is like, "Tom, tell us about your first prank." "Wow. First prank, eight years old, Bullet County, Kentucky. I built a snowman out in front of our house. I spent all day on this doggone snowman. Had a hat on it, a nose, looked like Frosty. Went to bed, woke up, somebody ran it down and killed it with their truck or something. And I was upset. I was a kid. I was crying, my mom came out there, "Tommy baby, it's okay. "I'll help you build another snowman." Like, "Thanks mom I appreciate it." We built another snowman, went to bed, woke up, they ran it down again. And she said, "Tommy honey, "why don't you build a snowman in the backyard, "and that way they can't get to it." Like, "No ma, the whole purpose "of building a snowman "is so people can see it. "They can't see it in the backyard. "You go in, I got this, I got this." (audience laughing) So I built another snowman. Put the hat on it, carrot nose, he was rocking man. I went to bed, and around midnight, I'm awakened by a bam! And I look outside my bedroom window, there's a pickup truck stuck in our front yard. And there's water spewing out the grill. (audience laughing) See, I built the snowman on top of the fire hydrant. (audience laughing) Pretty good for an eight-year-old, I tell yah. (audience laughing) It got me thinking about my next prank. I was a freshman at Norpolla High School, lets see, 19, freshman. (audience laughing) I drove to school legally in the eighth grade, it was awesome. Nah, I was 13-years-old, and my cousin Johnny lived eight houses down from me. He calls me up and he goes, "Tommy, don't answer the door." I'm like, "Dude, why?" He's like, "Don't answer the door, man." (audience laughing) I said, "Why?" He said, "They're going door-to-door selling stuff." I'm like, "Well what are they selling?" He said, "Home security systems." (audience laughing) "Home security, okay, okay." Ten minutes later, there's two guys walking up our front porch my brother and I bust open the screen door wearing ski masks. (audience laughing) I'm holding a crock pot... (audience laughing) I look back, he's got the cat. I'm like, "Really?" (audience laughing) He stole the cat. That was cool man. (audience laughing) I'm a deacon at my church, some people call it a deacon. I just, when I'm home, I get the privilege of serving every other Sunday, I travel a lot. And my son's trying to pull pranks, and it's awful. It was my turn to serve and I'm sitting there serving and unbeknownst to me, he changes the ring tone on my cell phone. (audience laughing) I'm sitting there serving and I hear ♪ Highway to Hell ♪ "Oh geese." (audience laughing) This boy he's got ADD really bad. And when I was a kid, it wasn't called ADD. It was called Tommy needs a spanking. (audience laughing) Oh yeah, good spanking could cure Chicken Pox when I was a kid. (audience laughing) That's bad, I know, that's bad. His ADD is so bad, he'll have ADD in the middle of a joke. He's like, "Dad?" "Yeah buddy," he'll go, "Knock Knock?" "Who's there?" (audience laughing) "Who's where?" (audience laughing) He is a good kid, he is. (audience laughing) But he's doing these awful pranks and I'm like, "Buddy, you know," I'm a clean comedian, that's what I do for a living. And I go, I say, "Buddy, you stay out of the bedroom, "you stay out of the bathroom, you don't curse, "and you just do, "you don't do a prank "where you can't hug somebody afterwards, "you know, make it good." (audience laughing) And last, between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was home and my house backs up, old country house, backs up to a old country road. And there was a deer that got hit, didn't quite make it. My son puts a Santa Clause suit on, goes outside, lays next to the dead deer. (audience laughing) My wife said a school bus went by, bunch of second graders, "Ah!" Seven year old kids. (audience laughing) I was in Chicago doing a corporate show at the Field Museum, it was a big corporate show, it was like five minutes to wait and my phone rings. My wife, she goes, "What are you doing?" "I'm getting my game face on, what's up? "Everything alright?" "I'll tell you later." (audience laughing) I gotta tell you this. My son is obsessed with two things, Nascar and costumes. I always have to bring him some kind of costume. And there's a place in Louisville, and I go buy him his Halloween thing to wear. So, I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Yeah, well, the cops brought Josh home." (audience laughing) I said, "What happened, "what happened, is he okay?" "Yeah, he's okay." She said, "Well apparently, my son," she said, "You know that Grim Reaper outfit "you bought him? "Well, he put it on, "he went down the street and "stood in front of the funeral home "and waved at peopleas they drove by." (audience laughing) I'm like, "You!" (audience laughing) That's crazy, man. (audience laughing) He's a good kid. This is awful. We work, my whole job in life is to pay bills and raise kids and bring 'em up right and everything, and I just work a whole lot because my industry's like this, up and down. And we haven't been on a vacation in eight-and-a-half years. That's how long. - [Audience Member] Awe. - And last, we're getting ready to do something big. And last vacation we took The Dysfunction Junction down to Orlando in a minivan my wife talked me into buying. I'm pretty sure the word minivan is Latin for she wears the pants in the family, so. (audience laughing) That's right. But at the time, we were practical. We were trying to have another kid 'cause we weren't happy with the first one. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) There you go. Are you what they replaced her with? (audience laughing) These your kids? - [Audience Member] He's mine, and they're together. - Oh okay, I gotcha. Kids are expensive man. In Kentucky 250 bucks a week for daycare. To me, that's a lot of money too, a week! And look, you can't trust a daycare. True story, one time I went to pick my kid up from daycare, they gave me the wrong kid. (audience laughing) I got home, my wife was mad. (audience laughing) "Told you honey, can't trust 'em!" (audience laughing) Oh, so, we're going down to Orlando in a minivan, I noticed the girls don't check you out when you're driving the minivan. (audience laughing) They see the baby seat and soccer ball in the back window, they're just like, it's like driving a big 'ol wedding ring. I tell you what. I don't even wear a wedding ring. I don't have to. I can tell my wife I'm going to Panama City for Spring Break is like, "I don't care. (audience laughing) "Take the minivan." (audience laughing) I can't wear jewelry. I think about getting some kind of a tattoo of a wedding ring or something, I don't know, I gotta do something. But we've been married for 24 years, geese louise. Yeah, right, woo hoo! (audience cheering) But we almost didn't make it through that vacation, though. It was me, my wife, my 94-year-old grandfather, my 17-year-old nephew, and at the time, my son was three, three or four years old? And we took Paw Paw because he had the money, that's right, (audience laughing) and a really cool parking permit, you could park anywhere man, it was awesome, man. Get you one, get you one. And we took my nephew 'cause his girlfriend just broke up with him, he was down the mouth about that, he was really depressed. I was worried about that. I told my sister, I said, "I'll take him on vacation with us," and we took my three-year-old because it's the law, there you go, it's the law. (audience laughing) And we're driving down the highway, driving down the highway and boy, I hate to see my nephew's cell phone bill. 'Cause he's texting, calling, "Baby, I love you, "I can't live without you." And Paw Paw tried to talk to him. So I'm just driving. Paw Paw is in the backseat, John is in the backseat, he goes, "John, girls are like cars. (audience laughing) "You get yourself a hot looking one, "a slick looking one, "three months down the road "you realize they're a piece of junk. (audience laughing) "Unreliable. "Undependable. (audience laughing) "Now you're grandma, "she was a Honda. (audience laughing) "Yeah, I didn't think she was ever gonna die." "Hey!" (audience laughing) Oh geese. He's funny, he's funny. Yeah, it was actually my second minivan. Anybody got a minivan? (audience cheering) What you got, what you got? - [Audience Member] Toyota Sienna. - Toyota Sienna, that's a filag shipping minivan, I tell yah. (audience laughing) DVD player? Hah! (audience laughing) Man, that's a nice minivan. That's my second minivan. My last minivan had a 183 thousand miles on it and I took it in gonna trade it in and get something like you have, something highfalutin, something like that. And, I take it down there, and man you know you're getting old when you look at a minivan the same way you used to look at a Corvette. (audience laughing) "That's got the sliding doors on both sides? (audience laughing) "That's a bad mamajamma minivan "I tell you what!" (audience laughing) And the guy that was sitting there was like, "Tom, we'll give you 500 bucks "on your old minivan." (audience laughing) "Come on, no! "I drove it here! "It's worth more than 500 bucks!" (audience laughing) He's like, "I'll take the wheels off of it and "I'll put it in a trailer park and "I'll build a deck around it, yeah." (audience laughing) I got 500 bucks a month now, that's pretty cool. (audience cheering) Anyway, we're going to Hawaii here soon, so I'm looking forward to that. Yeah, woo! (audience cheering) I gotta call from the Humane Society wanting a donation. I gave 'em a dog. (audience laughing) Shut up, it wasn't my dog, come on, man! (audience laughing) Doggone telemarketers. I had a six record deal with Virgin Records and then Capital Records bought the, so anyway, I had five CD's done. And it was time for my last CD, and I had moved to Capital Record, and it was time for my obligatory CD and I didn't know what to do. I was like, "Man, I'm burnt on this stuff." I feel silly doing these prank phone calls and whatnot. But then I remember, my daughter, I got a daughter by the way, going through the terrible twos, which is where she's 17. (audience laughing) I hate her. Nah, I'm teasing. (audience laughing) It's mutual, it's mutual, she hates me too. (audience laughing) She'll love me down the road when she's like 22, 23 years old, or when she needs a babysitter or something I don't know. I mean, she'll be married and proper and everything like that. But, my daughter, I remember when she was a baby she had colic and I was a stay-at-home dad, and every time the phone rang it'd be a telemarketer waking her up. So, I remember, I thought about that, I said, "Wow, "I know what I'm going to do." I found out about this big telemarketing convention going on in Washington, DC. I drive up from Louisville and I check into the same hotel these telemarketers are staying in. I find out what floors they're on, what rooms they're in, (audience laughing) 3:00 in the morning, I start calling them trying to sell them stuff. (audience laughing) Yeah, things they could use like sleeping pills, you know. (audience laughing) That's awful. (audience cheering) (audience whistling) I call this one telemarketer and I'm like, "Yeah, this is Tom "down at the front desk, "sorry to bother you so late, "our computer crashed, "was your wake-up call "for eight or eight thirty? (audience laughing) "Yeah, that's correct sir, it's three a.m. "Yeah, we'll call you here in a few hours "and wake you back up. (audience laughing) "Yeah, like I said, my computer went down. "Oh, you're at the telemarketing convention? "We appreciate your business, we do. (audience laughing) "Sir, sir, calm down. "Sir, ho, ho, ho ho, " you don't have to use "that kind of language with me. "Sir, yes, the manager is here matter of fact "let me let you talk to him. "Man, he's really upset and "he says he can't get back to sleep "and he thinks we can make it right for him. "I can do that? (audience laughing) "Sir, you there? "Look, I've talked to the manager, " I told him your concerns about getting back to sleep, "and well, we usually don't do this, "but here you go. ♪ Rock a bye baby on the tree top ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ When the wind blows ♪ "Sir, sir, don't fight it. "Put your head back on the pillow, "I know what I'm doing here." ♪ These broken wings ♪ (audience laughing) Ten minutes later, the real hotel manager calls me like, "Dude, we know who you are. "Quit making the crank phone calls "we'll kick you out of the hotel." Like, "Okay, okay, okay." So I finally, it's like 6:30 in the morning, I finally fall asleep, I'm laying back on my pillow, (snoring) I'm awakened by these alarms going off, woo, woo, woo. No lie, I get up and I look outside my hotel window, there's a video store across the street getting robbed. And I'm watching all this unfold, there's law enforcement inside the store and they're walking up and down the aisles trying to find the bugler. So I get the Yellow Pages out and I find the number to the video store and I call it up. And I see this police officer pick up the phone. I'm like, "Dude, get out of there, "cops are everywhere. (audience laughing) "Meet me out back." "He's out back! "Run, run, run." (audience laughing) Thanks man, thanks. (audience cheering) It was awfully nice eating a good meal tonight out at Texas Roadhouse out there. I travel a lot and I can't always eat great 'cause I'm like a trucker hauling jokes and I eat a lot of fast food. And I hate fast food. I hate the service. How hard is it to put a couple doggone napkins in a bag. (audience laughing) Hey, just for kicks, tomorrow morning go to the drive-through at McDonalds. Go, "I was here last night "and I think I left my kids "in the play land. (audience laughing) "Y'all see a couple kids running around "this morning when ya'll came in?" (audience laughing) "What do they look like, sir?" "Like a mommma." (audience laughing) My wife, my wife can't stand the service you get at the drive-through. She loathes it. Her idea, her idea, came home one day. She's like, "You still got that starting pistol "used back in high school when you ran track?" "Yeah, it's out in the garage." "Get it, we're going to McDonalds." (audience laughing) "Welcome to McDonalds, "can I take your order please?" "Gimme a two cheeseburgers, "two large fries, two large Cokes." "I don't like cheese, it's fattening." "Well, shut the heck up." (audience laughing) "Everything okay out there sir?" (audience laughing) "I'm sorry, two cheeseburgers, "two large fries, two large Cokes." "I want Diet Coke." "I don't need this the first day I get out of jail. "I will use this gun." (audience laughing) "You don't have the guts." So I get the starting pistol out, pow. (audience laughing) "Yeah, make that one cheeseburger..." (audience cheering) - [Audience Members] Woo! - "Can I get a couple extra napkins? "I don't think the wrapper "from the straw's gonna cut it." (audience laughing) I was worried about doing that one, It was a little edgy. (audience laughing) Sorry about that. (audience laughing) You guys like having fun? (audience cheering) Get yourself an empty bucket from the Colonel Sanders. There's more. (audience laughing) Put a real live chicken in it. (audience laughing) Go to the window at KFC. (audience laughing) (knocking on window sound) "Come here! "Yeah, this chicken ain't done! "Bawk!" (audience cheering) I do that stuff too, man. (audience laughing) I'm getting too old to do that stuff. My wife and I just celebrated a birthday, a big one. She's struggling with getting older. She's like, "Things are sagging "and starting to droop." I'm like, "Baby, you look great!" "I'm talking about you." (audience laughing) I did a pushup Thursday I was pretty proud of that one. (audience laughing) Went to Cracker Barrel afterwards. (audience laughing) I'm trying to stay in shape, it's tough, man. And I'm trying to run. Every year we have the mini marathon, the 5K, the Derby Festival, Kentucky Derby we have this like Triple Crown of running races, three races. And I always try to just do the mini marathon and I always try to, I just want to beat last year's time. That's all I want to do. But I'm getting old now. And I went to the doctor and I said, "Man my knees are bothering me." And he said, "Well, you're no spring chicken, Tom. "Heck, you know, "just take some Ibuprofen before you run "the race morning of and you'll be alright." Okay, so morning of the race I'm getting up, Getting ready to leave, my wife go, "Oh, honey, don't forget to take these. "Thanks sweetie." Two miles into the race... (audience laughing) She gave me Tylenol PM. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) I'm trying to be healthy cause I just had a health scare over the summer. I was walking up the boat ramp, I'm a boater, and I was walking up the boat ramp and I had to stop dead in my tracks. I knew if I took one more step, man, I was gonna die. I just felt it. I knew, I was like, I was praying. I was just like geese. And I got home, I told my wife about that, she said call the doctor. Called the doctor, he said come in tomorrow. So we went in, he said, "Are you feeling okay?" I said, "Yeah." So he's checking he said, "Man Tom, something doesn't sound right. "I'm gonna send you to a Cardiologist." I said, "Want me to just make "an appointment on the way?" He said, "Nah, I'm gonna send you right now." So he sends me over. And they put me in this treadmill. And they put all these wires on my chest, and I'm there on the treadmill, and I'm, "You gotta stop, I'm gonna pass out." "No sir, we gotta get your heart rate up." And I'm going, "No sir, I'm gonna die." (audience laughing) I get off the treadmill, I back into the doctor. Guys, you don't know the meaning. He said, "Dude." You don't want your heart doctor calling you dude. "Dude, you got a blockage. "So I don't know how much blockage you got, "but we're gonna do a heart cath in the morning, "we'll just fix it right then and there." And I fretted this heart cath all night long. I never had one. They go through your femoral artery and all that stuff. And the pain scale of one through ten, if you ever have to have this test, minus one. You can't feel nothing. And so, he's doing the heart cath, he goes, "Tom, you got the heart "of an 18-year-old boy." "I don't smoke, "I don't drink beer like I did in college." He said, "Alright, go home and "follow up with your primary care physician "next week or something but you're good." I went home. He failed to tell me that you're suppose to lie still for eight hours after a heart cath. I went home cut the grass, played with the dogs, painted the bathroom, and I got what they called a pseudo-aneurysm. And I got rushed by ambulance to the hospital and they had to do this emergency surgery, it gets infected, I'm in the hospital for eleven days. And my doctor's like, "Tom, while you're here, "we want to find out what's wrong with you." Tested my lungs, fine. Thought I was having some kind of esophageal spasm. Tested my stomach for divertic, no, no. Turns out I've got extreme sleep apnea. Have you heard of that before? But my insurance won't cover that CPAP machine. So I kid you not. Every night, I gotta duct tape a leaf blower to my face. (audience laughing) Alright, I'm gonna play a little 'ol guitar for y'all. Let's see if... (audience cheering) It's kind of an anniversary for me tonight. One year ago today I decided to stop drinking. How about that? (audience cheering) It lasted about a week, don't applaud. (audience laughing) I'm teasing, I'm teasing. (audience laughing) You laughed too hard at that one, buddy. (audience laughing) God boy, I remember in college, I don't condone this, but I used to drink, I used to measure everything in beer. (audience laughing) Cut my grass, four beers. (audience laughing) My house to church, two beers. It's just not good. I lost yah, I won't tell you. I don't drink anymore, not like I used to. So my, do y'all know who Katy Perry is? (audience cheering) My wife, this is embarrassing, my wife is the President of the Katy Perry Facebook Fan page. (audience laughing) She runs it. She's the admin for the Katy Perry Facebook page. She's like an uber fan. And we're in the minivan, and she's singing this song ♪ Last Friday night ♪ Have you heard that song, Last Friday Night? Oh, it's about these girls going out just doing ungodly things they shouldn't be doing. (audience laughing) And I'm watching her, I'm like, "What are you doing? "Turn that off." You know what we did last Friday night? (guitar strumming) (audience cheering) ♪ Threw me off ♪ ♪ There's a toddler in my bed ♪ ♪ There's a CPAP on my head ♪ ♪ Stack the bills that are overdue ♪ ♪ God a kid in private school ♪ ♪ I've been eating fiber bars ♪ ♪ 'Cause they keep me regular ♪ ♪ Next door neighbor is a nurse ♪ ♪ Is this a mole or something worse ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ Englarged prostate ♪ ♪ My body aches ♪ ♪ I'm old ♪ ♪ Oh well ♪ ♪ I got four inch hairs ♪ ♪ Growing outta my ears and nose ♪ ♪ Man last Friday night ♪ ♪ We went to Chick-Fil-A ♪ ♪ Then we went to Walgreens ♪ ♪ And I got a flu shot ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Last Friday night ♪ ♪ We got the oil changed ♪ ♪ In the Honda Odyssey ♪ ♪ Rented Toy Story Three ♪ ♪ Last Friday night ♪ ♪ Walked the dog in the dark ♪ ♪ Messed in the neighbor's yard ♪ ♪ I pretend to pick it up ♪ You ever done that? (audience laughing) You know you're walking your dog, oh well, I forgot the grocery bag, man, what's going on? And you know Bob's looking out his window there. Imaginary bag like you're putting in there. (audience laughing) My best friend in the world is named Jim Bo. We've been best friends for eight, he'll come over tomorrow, he's the kind of guy you're like, "Hey man, "I'm coming over tomorrow to help you move." You pull your minivan up, he's like, "Let's pop the wheel off that Toyota, "I think you've got a bad rotor." I mean, he's that guy. But his luck is awful. He can't find the right job, can't find the right girl, and he's so negative. And I'm like, I don't try to get religious, I'm like, "Dude, ye shall have faith. "Come on, just keep, you know, "the universe is a mirror. "Whatever you think is gonna come by." Just trying to get on his wavelength 'cause he's got the worst luck in the world. But it all changed recently, and I wrote a song for him, and here it goes. ♪ Rock bottom in an ocean of debt ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ Out of a job in over his head ♪ ♪ Now he told the bank about his bad luck ♪ ♪ They helped him on his feet ♪ ♪ By taking his truck ♪ ♪ He prayed every night for a miracle ♪ ♪ Now all his prayers were answered ♪ ♪ Just a week or so ago ♪ ♪ I guess good things just happen ♪ ♪ To good people ♪ ♪ 'Cause he slipped and fell at a Walmart ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ He's physically okay but bless his heart ♪ ♪ His lawyer says he shakes ♪ ♪ When he sees a shopping cart ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ Things are going well ♪ ♪ Since he slipped and fell at a Walmart ♪ ♪ Prices are falling ♪ ♪ So was he ♪ ♪ Now he won the redneck lottery ♪ ♪ He slipped and fell at a Walmart ♪ ♪ He's moving out from the trailer park ♪ ♪ He bought a brand new car ♪ ♪ One that always starts ♪ ♪ He slipped and fell at a Walmart ♪ Thank you, woo hoo! (audience cheering) Y'all shop at Walmart? (audience cheering) How about Sam's Club, ya'll shop at a Sam's Club? (audience laughing) I don't like Sam's Club, I think it's morbid. I was gonna buy a 500 pound bag of dog food at a Sam's Club. My dog is 18 years old. (audience laughing) I didn't want that kind of commitment. (audience laughing) This is awful. (audience laughing) You don't see old people shopping at Sam's Club. (audience laughing) Old people buy a half gallon of milk. (audience laughing) My Paw Paw called Tommy, "Oh Tommy come and take me "to the grocery. "I gotta buy an egg." (audience laughing) My grandpa is still with us. He's 101 years old. (audience cheering) And he's in a nursing home for active seniors and I take the kids over there. And he knows I'm a comic and he's on a computer, he's on the internet, he calls it the interweb. I'm on the interwebs. (audience laughing) And he gets these jokes off the computer, he tries to pass them off to me, like they're his own jokes. So I'm over there with the kids the other day, and my son being a smart aleck is like, "Paw Paw, "where do you see yourself in five years?" I'm like, "Dude... (audience laughing) "That's not cool." (audience laughing) He said, "Tommy, I got a joke." I'm like please let it be clean, let it be clean. My daughter had one of her little friends with her. He said, "Two little boys outside of a operating room "getting ready to have surgery. "One little boy said, "Hey man, what you having done?" "He said, "I'm having my tonsils taken out." "He said, "Aw, I had my tonsils taken out "and had all the ice cream "you could eat for a week!" "He said, "What you having done?" "He said, "I'm getting circumcised." (audience laughing) "He said, "Dude, I had that done when I was born, "and I couldn't walk for a year." (audience laughing) Is that crossing a line? I got little children. (audience laughing) Wow. (audience laughing) Growing up, I don't wanna leave without you guys knowing a little bit about me. Growing up I never knew my dad, I never met my father. And the only thing I knew about him is what my older brother told me. And apparently, he was an astronaut, (audience laughing) in the Civil War. (audience laughing) My mom raised three of us by herself. Man, you got a whole new respect for your single mom when you have your own kids. There's two of us and my son, he's hyper. He ran seven miles the other day and never left the couch. I'll tell you. (audience laughing) I'm like, "Dude, God gave you lots of energy, didn't he?" He's like, "Ah." (audience laughing) So, anyway, but my grandpa was kinda my dad growing up. And oh by the way, I blink my eyes a lot, I'm not doing drugs I got Tourette's, so. (audience laughing) That's true. I didn't even know I had Tourette's. You know how I found out I had Tourette's? I went to an auction. (audience laughing) I was buying everything, man. (audience cheering) Oh geese, it's true. My son, he's got the verbal ticks, the verbal Tourette's and boy it's tough. It is tough. But you do what you do. So anyway, I wanna wrap up my show with, and my grandfather's in the last chapter of his life and what a great life. What, 101 years old. - [Audience Member] Wow. - God's been good to us and to him and everything and I love you guys, thanks for coming out and supporting live comedy. (audience cheering) He's not doing that great so I wanna dedicate a serious song to him. ♪ He lost his hearing ♪ ♪ He lost his teeth ♪ ♪ Lost his mind ♪ ♪ Can barely see ♪ ♪ Lost all control of his bladder ♪ ♪ But none of that really matters ♪ ♪ Because the one thing he hasn't lost ♪ ♪ Is his driver's license ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ So drive, drive grandpa drive ♪ ♪ Pay no attention to the one-way sign ♪ ♪ Life in prison for you will fly by ♪ ♪ Drive, drive, grandpa drive ♪
