This is my second time here. They actually got to have me back. So it's cool. I appreciate them having me back. My first special came out about a year and a half ago. It did better than I ever expected. But it was the first thing I ever had out there that had enough traction where people would actually leave comments on my comedy. And I'm stupid enough where I will read those comments. (audience laughing) But I'm also a comedian, so I only notice the negative parts of it. And the one guy that got me that bugged me, he just had a four word comment after my set. Four words after the end of it. Just four words. And just said, a fat Harry Potter. (audience laughing) Not exactly constructive criticism, is what I'm getting at. But I was talking to my wife about this. She said, "Why do you read "that?" I said, this guy called me a fat Harry Potter. I looked at her like, baby, do I look like Harry Potter? She's like, "Chad, you do not "look like Harry Potter." And I said, am I fat? She said, "Chad, you do not look "like Harry Potter." (audience laughing) I understand people sometimes just don't know what to say after a show. I get it. I had a woman come up to me after a show, and she said, "I would like to give you "a compliment." I said, OK, what's that? She said, "I'm not sure if you're "funnier than the other guy, "but he's better looking." (audience laughing) I'm not sure you know what the word compliment means. (audience laughing) I've been on stage about a minute now, and I haven't been physically escorted off stage, which means, by definition, this can't be the worst show that I've ever had. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Because here's that story. (audience laughing) Doing some stuff in Atlanta, and I was driving back to Missouri. And now if you know anything about geography, I have to go across a very western part of Tennessee. As I'm going through there, a guy calls me. He's a comedy booker. He said, "Hey, I just checked "the schedule. "Is there any chance you're "near such-and-such, Tennessee?" I punch it up. I'm like, yeah, I'm like 20 minutes from there. He said, "That's amazing." He said, "I just had a guy "cancel a show on me." He said, "It starts in about "an hour." He said, "Why don't you just go "by and do the show. "Just tell them you're him." Always a good start. (audience laughing) "They're going to pay you "in cash. "I'll even bonus you for bailing "me out. "And then you go on home." So I get to this gig. And it was for the Tennessee chapter of PETA, the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals. Now, I have just given you a piece of information that I didn't get. (audience laughing) So I go up there and tell my first joke. and then they're ha, ha, ha ha. We're off and running. Now the whole venue was kind of set up like this. The stage was higher, and these metal folding chairs. And there's a long rectangle in front, were all these chairs. All these women are holding small dogs. I'm like, what's the story with these dogs? And they said, "these are "our therapy animals." And I said, I've heard that phrase before, but what exactly does that mean? And a guy in the back yells out. He goes, "those are animals "to help keep us calm "and relaxed." All right. The guy goes, "Do you have "a therapy animal?" I'm like, well, I guess. Mine's a cow. He's like, "How's a cow "a therapy animal?" I said, well, it keeps me calm and relaxed to know I have a freezer full of beef. (audience laughing) Physically escorted out the door by two 80-year-olds wearing matching cat sweaters. (audience laughing) But it is great to be here. And you will hear every comedian in the world say, oh, it's great to be here, it's great to be here. And what that really means in the comedian world is, it's great to be getting paid. That's what that means. I'm not trying to destroy the illusion of comedy for anybody, but if we were doing this across the street in the pharmacy, it'd be great to be there. I mean, that's just kind of the way things work. (audience laughing) But I've got a bit of a different story for that now, because I work cruise ships every once in a while. And I was supposed to take a boat. And my flight coming out of Dallas-Fort Worth got delayed, and the boat left without me. Now what the cruise lines do when this happens, they fly you ahead to the next port city. So that way when the boat gets there, you're already there. And you just catch the boat, make up any shows if you missed. And that's the way they take care of themselves. So that's what I did. I was supposed to catch a boat out of Cozumel, and they fly me ahead. And I stay at the hotel. Start to leave the next morning. The girl said, "OK, the van's "going to be on your way to pick "you up." I'm like, OK, that sounds good. I said, how far am I away from the boat? She goes, "Like four or five." I'm like, oh, perfect. So I'll be on the boat in like 20 minutes. And she said, "No, four or five "hours." Four or five hours? And then the first part of the conversation replays my head. The van's going to pick you up. I'm going to be in a van going across Mexico for four to five hours? I've seen Forensic Files. I know how some of these stories start off. (audience laughing) So the van comes and picks me up. Really super nice guy, but he looked at me and said, "Do you talk "the Spanish?" No. He said, "I don't talk "the English." And I said, I picked up on that. (audience laughing) He said, "How about radio?" And there's one working speaker behind my head. I'm like, OK, fine. Let's listen to the radio. And this guy loved Whitney Houston, which was really weird to me because we're driving four hours across the back parts of Mexico, the parts that you don't see on the travel brochures. I mean, we're seeing the abandoned cars, and the burned-out building, and everything's got graffiti on it. I'm looking and it's kind of sad And the whole time I've got, "I Want to Dance With Somebody" in my head. It was so weird, right. (audience laughing) So we finally round the corner, and I can see the top of the boat finally. And as we're going up there, the Mexican police go and they form a single-file line across this road we're supposed to go up. And I thought, oh this can't get any worse. And as I think that, about 20 yards behind them, the Mexican military line up behind them. I mean fatigues, automatic weapons, the real thing. Like oh, I stand corrected. This has got much, much worse. And the guy goes up there and rolls down the window. Now, I don't know what they're saying because, number one, I don't talk the Spanish. And number two, I can't hear them anyway because I have "I Will Always Love You" blasting 1,000 decibels in my head. So he goes up there. He makes his little horseshoe turn. He turns around and looks at me, and goes, "You must get out." I said, well, how am I supposed to get to the boat? And he said, "Walk." And I said, is everything OK? And he said, "No." (audience laughing) And I said, You picked up on that English pretty quick. (audience laughing) So I had to get out of the van and walk the last quarter of a mile, dragging my bags through gravel and dirt as the Mexican military are on both sides of me, finger on triggers, just waiting for me to do something wrong so they can open up fire. So when I tell you tonight, Provo, that it is great to be here, I mean it is fantastic to be here. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) It's always nice coming to cities to work. I come from about 900 people, so this is a big city to me. But I see it as a city for different reasons. I was driving around today. I passed Dollar Tree and a Dollar General. You people are big time, as far as I'm concerned. Holy cow, look at this place. I don't do a lot of preaching when I'm here. A lot of times, get up here and tell you what to think, and what to believe, who to vote for. You're big people. Figure that out for yourselves. It's not my job. But if I have any advice, it's for the guys in the crowd. Fellows, learn to appreciate the Dollar Tree. (audience laughing) It's about as deep as I get up here. (audience laughing) Women love that store. That place is magic. That's the only story my wife and I don't fight in. That's it. You put us in the middle of Dollar Tree, we're the most happily married couple you'll ever see in your life. You see us walking out of Walmart or Target, somebody's usually hurt. But I love a store like the Dollar Tree, because I finally have a place now where I can take my wife and go, baby, anything here you want. (audience laughing) But she legitimately likes shopping there. She will buy so much stuff at the Dollar Tree, she'll confuse the employees. She asked the guy behind the counter, "well, "do you guys take checks?" And he was like, I don't know. No one's ever bought that much crap at one time before. (audience laughing) This should be the part of the show I tell you about all these exciting adventures I have on the road, but I really don't have any. I got kicked out of a Lowe's Hardware last month because I go there at the beginning of September, and they're setting up the Christmas displays in September. And a girl walks up and said, "Sir, can I help you find "anything?" I said, Yeah, do you sell calendars? And she said, "Yes, we do." I said, does anybody here know how to read one? (audience laughing) I was doing some stuff in Lexington. I was driving back to Missouri, and my buddy called and said, "hey, what are you doing?" I'm like, right now, I'm driving through Illinois. He said, "that is so ironic. "My aunt used to live in Indiana. "What do you know?" (audience laughing) I know you need to look up the word ironic. (audience laughing) That's not, actually. The last time I was in Indiana, I went by this auction. I'm a big auction, garage sale kind of guy. At the auction, they started to auction off food. And the guy goes, "OK, our first "food item up for bid is some "tor-till-i-as." (audience laughing) Right, that's what I did. Woman in front of me hears me, knows what I'm laughing about, and just turns around and glares at me. She said, "He's just saying it "the way it was spelled." Who cares? It's still wrong. What kind of logic is that? She said, "You shouldn't laugh "at him in public. "You could hurt his self-esteem." I'm like, really, who told you that? A p-sychiatrist? (audience laughing) (audience cheering) You guys are good man. It'll stun you how many times that joke gets missed. You guys are pretty good. That's all right. (audience laughing) I guess if I do have a story, it's this one. I was doing some stuff out in LA. Flew out of Kansas City. Now we had to make an emergency stop in Denver because the pilot explained to us they miscalculated the distance to Los Angeles. I thought distance would have been one of those little pesky details they would have had worked out ahead of time. But apparently, nobody at Delta Airlines ever heard of Google Maps or anything. So now we're on the tarmac for five, six hours waiting for our flight. We're the emergency flight, so we fly out. We get our window. We get into LAX. It is a ghost town. They ask who has luggage. There's about four of us have luggage. They said, "we're going to take "you down to the VIP carousel "because luggage comes out "quicker down there." So they lead us down there, and I'm going through this thing. And everybody else gets their luggage, and I'm just waiting. It's just me. And I see my bags, and I grab them. And as I turn to rip them off the carousel, there's a guy behind me. I didn't see him. Boom, banged into him. As I'm looking over, he stumbles over, and his glasses fall off and everything. I start to apologize. And he looks over at me, and it's Brad Pitt. And we have this really in-depth, meaningful conversation, one on one in the basement of LAX airport. It's just me and him. I'm like, oh dude, I'm really sorry. He's like, "don't worry about." Walks off. (audience laughing) Yeah, so I was telling my wife about that. She said, that's amazing. Did you get your picture taken with him? "No." Why not? "Why would I do that?" She said, then I'd have a picture I could show all my friends you standing next to Brad Pitt. That is not something I want her to possess. (audience laughing) Photographic evidence where she can go, yeah, this is the guy I always wanted. He kind of does look like fat Harry Potter, doesn't he? I can see that. (audience laughing) Can see that now that you say that. (audience laughing) I talk about my wife a lot when I'm on stage. And she's great. We've been around each other for a long time. We came in the same class. We were in the same grade in the school where kindergarten through 12th grade was all in one building. It's a really small class, so I've always known her. She is the first girl in third grade where I ever remember looking at somebody else and thinking she was cute before I even really understood what that meant. We grew up. We were always classmates, always friends. Dated once or twice in high school. Nothing really came of it. We go our separate ways after high school. We come back years later. We get engaged. Bring together the blended family, get married. We've been married almost 10 years. I am happiest now as I've been at any point in my life. In some capacity, whether it's wife, fiancé, classmate, friend, or third grade crush, she's been a part of my life for almost 40 years. And I still don't understand a thing about her. (audience laughing) We started going to the movies the other night, and she gets in the Jeep. And she's got a pillow and a blanket. (audience laughing) I said, "Did you say movies "or moving?" She goes, no, I just want to be comfortable. "OK." About 10 minutes down the road, she said, can you turn down the air? I'm hot. "No, I can't." Well, Chad, I'm hot. "Well, throw "your double comforter "in the back seat. "Maybe you'd cool off "a little bit." Chad, you're swerving all over the road. "Yeah, I'm getting in the side "by your twin-size mattress "every time "I make a right-hand turn, yeah." (audience laughing) I woke up one morning, and she was mad. I woke up. (audience laughing) Just staying in the bathroom doorway just glaring at me. She might have been there like 3:30 in the morning, I have no idea. (audience laughing) I'm like, "Hey baby how did you sleep?" Oh, like you care. Boom. (audience laughing) Comes walking back in. I'm like, "What's going on?" She said, I'm tired of you flirting with other girls. "Well, what are you talking about?" Well, last night I had this dream. "Hold up." (audience laughing) Yeah taht's the finger-pointing joke right there. That's what that was, yeah. I said, "this happened "in a dream?" Yeah. OK, because now I have to see how crazy this is going to get. (audience laughing) I know how you like brunettes. Sitting there talking to this little brunette. Talking with her, flirting with her. You're lucky I didn't go fight her. (audience laughing) "In your dream "you didn't go fight the girl "that doesn't exist? "I'm not really sure how that's "me dodging a bullet "in all honesty." I didn't talk to you the whole bus ride there. "What bus?" We're on a school bus. "Why are we on a school bus? "Where were we going?" Vanilla Ice concert. "Let me tell you so something. "You put me on a school bus "to go see vanilla Ice, "I might start talking "with a brunette." (audience laughing) I'm getting older. I'm at a point in my life where the left side of my head and the other side of my head-- I know I'm not a young guy. And I know that. But I don't feel old. And so like those two things come in conflict every once in a while, and I just look at things a little bit differently. I'm up to the age now where I'm not really attracted to girls. I still find women beautiful, by nature. But like at 22, 23, 21-year-old, I don't even notice them anymore. I'm that guy. Doesn't matter how hot they are, because eventually they'll talk. (audience laughing) I know, I know that's mean to say. "Chad, you probably shouldn't "say that." Old guy part of my head's like, what do you care? You're going to leave the show, go back, and take a bath to soak your back before you watch Frasier reruns. What do you care? It doesn't matter. (audience laughing) It's just they do things that bug me, like they change the spelling of their normal name so they're unique and mysterious. Ugh, I can't stand it. I was signing something for a girl after a show one night. She said, "yeah, can make it out "to Cindy?" Sure. "Should I tell you how to spell it?" Didn't think so. C-I-N-D-Y? "No, it's S-I-N-D-I." What? "Make this one out to Dawn." D-A-W-N? "No, D-H-O-W-H-N." What are you doing? Is that the rule now? You just pick any name, spell it how you want? Fine, I'm going to do that. I'm going to change my name. I'm going to spell it Z-J-K-P-P-N-Q. "Really? What's your name?" "Ed. (audience laughing) I read a story about a teenage girl that was carjacked in Oklahoma. She pulls up to a stoplight. Guy walks over, opens the door, grabs her, throws her out, gets in her car, slams the door, takes off. Now she is wearing a zip-up hooded sweatshirt and the hood gets caught in the door. She's getting dragged down the street. As she's being dragged, she reaches into her pocket, pulls out her cell phone, dials 911. Part of my head is like, oh, that's pretty smart. She's really lucky. And this part of my head is like, is there not a situation where a teenage girl won't get on a phone? (audience laughing) That one night, a woman in the back goes, "Well funny boy? "What would you have done?" I don't know. Probably this. (audience laughing) I'm getting out of shape. You want to know how you know you're getting out of shape? When you get out of breath, blowing on the food to cool it down that you're trying to eat-- (audience laughing) So I got to start exercising more. That's the thing. I'm going to-- I'm looking at the machine I can buy and take on the road with me. And here it is. I'm watching the infomercial, and here's the big picture of the guy, the before picture, what he looked like before. And here's the machine. And he's working out with it. He's real vigorous on it. That's what he looks like in the after picture. I'm like, man, maybe I should buy that thing. Work out with it just three times a week for 20 minutes each time, and maybe I could look like that guy in the before picture. (audience laughing) You guys left me hanging on that one for a second. I'm not even going to lie to you. I know that I eat poorly. I know that. It doesn't escape my cube. And everybody wants to tell me how to eat. I'm driving overnight one time. I'm tired. Just ready to get home. I order some stuff at the drive-through around the corner. And there's a woman standing outside of her car stopping me. I said, are you OK? And she said, "Yes, don't go "get your food yet." Why? "Because I told them we didn't "want the food they had already "prepared. "We wanted our food "prepared fresh." Lady, I just ordered three cheeseburgers off the dollar menu at McDonald's at 2:45 in the morning. I am well aware the level of cuisine I'm about ready to have. (audience laughing) Why don't you get out of my way while the chef prepares yours the way you want it. Let him throw my fat in the sack, and get on down the road. I've got places to be. (audience laughing) I was at a nice restaurant one time. The waitress walks over. "Have you had time to look "at the menu?" Yes, I have. "What can I get you?" I said, I'm a very basic, straightforward kind of eater. How about a steak and baked potato. She said, "OK, perfect. "How would you like your potato?" (audience laughing) I thought I hit that a second ago. Did I not run through that already? She goes, "No, I have "22 different ways I can prepare "a baked potato. "Would you like to hear "the list?" No, I don't want to hear the list. Make it hot. Put in your pocket. Walk around with it for a second. I don't care. Heat it up. "How would you like your steak?" Well done. "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't prepare "our steaks well done." That's OK, because it's not our steak. (audience laughing) Not trying to sound like a horrible person here, but I planned on eating it all by myself. (audience laughing) She said, "No the cooks will "prepare it that way. "But you can have it done "any other way." Oh, any other way. Do you do medium? "Yes, we do. Well, do that twice. (audience laughing) I've got a buddy that's really into juicing. He's like, "man, if you juice "fruit and vegetables, "you get so many more "vitamins and nutrients." He said, "let me make you some." I don't know. "Come on." What's in it? "Well, this has kale "and carrots." No. He's like, "No, no, no, I'm also "going to put some beets in it." Oh, good. There for a second, I thought it was going to taste like crap. (audience laughing) Glad you have some of those plump, delicious beets I've been craving. You can mix in a little broken concrete and rock salt. Really help wash that down. That'd be fantastic. (audience laughing) You do insane things to try and stay in shape. I had some people come up to me after a show. He was like, "Hey, man, let me "ask you a question. "Do you play volleyball?" I was like, oh, yeah. But actually the correct answer is, oh, no. They ask me a personal question about myself to my face and I got it wrong. That is very difficult to do. (audience laughing) They said, "We really don't need "you to play. "But it's a big championship game. "We thought it would be cool "if you just stay on the side "and make some jokes." I'm like, hey, man, that's cool. I can do that. So I get there, and I've got an old pair of basketball shorts on, like a t-shirt from the Chuckle Hut in Tennessee or wherever it was from. And my teammates come in, and they're in these really nice-looking uniforms. I'm like, "Guys, I don't have "a uniform." He's like, doesn't matter. You're not going to be playing. Perfect I'm going to get away with this. And they're warming up. And I'm out there helping the best I can, and loving me until a guy gets a phone call. He goes, OK, OK, and looks over at me. He goes, we've got it covered. Don't worry about. I don't know what he's getting ready to say, but we don't got it covered. I do know that. And he points at me and goes, you've got to play. "Hold up. "We talked about this. "I wasn't supposed to play." He goes, no, four guys riding together, their Jeep broke down on the interstate. They're not going to make it. If we don't start the game with six, we're disqualified. You're number six. The guy walks over. He's like, hey, man, just having a little fun. Reached up and gives me one of those. And right when I get about right here, somebody yelled at me. They go, hey, Thornsberry. I look away, and I missed. I didn't connect that, which should have been their first clue that I might not be the athlete that they were banking on. (audience laughing) We get in our little huddle and the guy goes, OK, we're going to go cross-face rotation on two. I go, "I don't know what that means." He gets mad. He goes, cross-face rotation on two. "Yeah, the volume wasn't "throwing me off. "That's not where you lost me." He said, just stand in the corner of the playing area and try to stay out of the way. "Hey, that was my plan "from the beginning there, Tim. "I don't know what you're playing "with, but that's what I had too." He was like, watch out, they've got Andy serving. "Who's Andy?" Andy was a three-time All-American at the University of Oregon. He was a reserve for the US Men's Olympic Volleyball Team. And he said, he's got this weird ability to figure out the weakest player on the opposing team-- (audience laughing) --and will attack him. Oh, like a guy not wearing freaking uniform? Sherlock Andy can see us out of those clues together, can he? Wonderful what they teach in Oregon. I wish this story had a better ending. I really do. Andy served the ball to me 15 times in a row because he is a horrible human being. (audience laughing) After the third point his team goes and sits down. They're just sitting on the side just texting. My guys on my team that aren't getting missiles fired at them 85 miles an hour every seven seconds, "Man, this guy sucks." "Well, I know that we had to get "somebody." "I know, then why's he crying," or whatever they were saying. I really don't know. But that's what they were-- We lose 15 to nothing. Their championship season destroyed. 1000% my fault. Everybody's mad. Everybody leaves. One guy walks back over to me. He's like, "Hey, man, "I know it's not your thing." I appreciate that. And he goes, "Oh, you can't do "that either." And walks off. (audience laughing) Alright I gotta get out of here. You guys have been cool. This is the fun part of it for me. Life is what happens out there. But this is the fun stuff. But I've got to get back when all this is done and go back to life. I got a call from Mastercard before I left. They said, "We need to speak "to Mr. Thornsberry." I said, this is he. They said, "We called to report "some unusual activity "on your account." I said, really, what happened? And they said, "Somebody made "a payment." (audience laughing) I'm just glad you guys got that joke. That makes you feel very comfortable up here. I'm always afraid like I'm going to be working some really rich golf country club crowd, like "what's "his credit he's talking about?" I shan't have a clue, or whatever they say. I really don't have a clue. (audience laughing) Apparently, I think rich people use the contraction shan't incorrectly, is what I think. I was reading an article that said 64% of Americans will have credit issues at some point in their life, which I believe is true. But the article didn't explain the kind of things that people will do to escape creditors. I had a buddy walk over to me in a club one night and hands me his phone. He said, "Hey, it's Citibank. "Answer my phone for me "in Spanish." All right, I took a year of high school Spanish. I was like, hola. And I don't guess she caught what I was doing. She said, yes, my name is Cindy. I need to speak to Tony. "No habla ingles." She's like, oh, (speaking Spanish) (audience laughing) He goes, What'd she say? "She said you're screwed, ese." Guys, I got to go. I appreciate you hanging out. Thank you so much. (audience cheering)
