I live in the state of California now and the education system has changed in California. Every time I go to my children's school, I am reminded of all the food allergies we never had, when we were kids. (audience laughing) I'm in their classroom last week, big sign on the wall, "Nut free zone." I look around. (audience laughing) I don't think so. (audience laughing) Kids can not have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they can't have cupcakes on their birthday. You can't eat a hamburger that was looked at by anybody, that lived in the Midwest. (audience laughing) Living in the state of California is like an ongoing celebration of earth day. (audience laughing) Every single day, driving last week, I got stuck behind a couple of Prii. (audience laughing) There's more than one Prius. (audience laughing) On the back of the Prius, a bumper sticker, "Save the earth, everything is green." And out the window, a hand with a cigarette. (audience laughing) You've seen it. It's like the vegan with the leather Gucci purse. (audience laughing) Be as righteous as you wanna be, but just be consistent and vegans make me laugh, they say stuff like this, "I wouldn't eat anything "that had a face, really." Then I saw a vegan eating French fries and I thought, my Mr. Potato, had a face. (audience laughing) When we have real toys, boys and girls, but I'll tell you this. I have the privilege of performing all over not just . . . Provo and . . . (audience laughing) A lovely place, very lovely place and I got a call a few months ago to perform for a Catholic Church and I was talking to the . . . agent, I was talking to the agent, who was talking to the priest and I said, you know . . . My name is—is Applebaum. (audience laughing) I'm more of an Old Testament kind of guy, (audience laughing) but some of you knew that (audience laughing) and he said, "No problem." So I started off the show and I said, Well, I understand you guys have been waiting for a Jewish guy to show up (audience laughing) and the last time you had them over for dinner, that's how the whole thing got started. (audience laughing) I'm so happy you liked that. (audience laughing) Now, one thing they would telling me and I'm sensing it all night long with all the chatter going on they said, "Tonight is a "very special night here. "This is actually a "very big gathering spot, "of a lot of people "who are very involved, "in online dating." (audience laughing) I'm sensing some match.com right over here. (audience laughing) Getting a whole lot of farmersonly.com over here. (audience laughing) farmersonly.com where you could find a rugged woman and get insurance. (audience laughing) I'll be honest with you looking around. Some of you actually look like you do online dating with dial up. (audience laughing) Think about that, online dating with dial-up internet. How frustrating would that be? One profile, every three days. (audience laughing) "Is she pretty?" I don't know, it's still loading. I'm only up to the neck. (audience laughing) Getting a little bit of ChristianMingle back over here, Christian— see, I love those commercials for ChristianMingled because my people, we have JDate. (audience laughing) JDate, cause it can never be JewMingle. (audience laughing) It's like JewMingle? No Jew. (audience laughing) Jess. (audience laughing) Yo soy Mingle. Every ethnic group has their own dating website. A good friend of mine from India, told me there's this website called shaadi.com S-H-A-A-D-I, Shaadi.com People from India. It actually sends email to your parents, first to get approval (audience laughing) and I was performing for these group of people from India. I wanted to relate to them. I told them right after college, I went on this date with this beautiful woman from India and her parents weren't very happy about it because . . . (audience laughing) I didn't have a PhD, (audience laughing) but I did win a spelling bee once, so they accepted me (audience laughing) and see, my wife gets mad at me. She changed her Facebook status from married to in a relationship. She said, "One more screw up, "It's going to it's complicated." (audience laughing) We live half our lives now on social media, I saw somebody here come in today, "At the Dry Bar, "#Provopower." (audience laughing) And some of you actually post everything you've eaten for the last 13 months on Pinterest, every day. I can predict your bowel movements. Seriously, so like, here's the one of the food pictures I could post. At breakfast, #hashbrowns (audience laughing) and now people from your past, start reaching out to you on social media. I got a note from a friend of mine from kindergarten on Facebook, two weeks ago, kindergarten. She sends me this note, "You've changed." (audience laughing) I write back, I was five. (audience laughing) I go pee pee all by myself. (audience laughing) Stick around a few more years, I'm gonna need help again. (audience laughing) Happens to everybody, you know what I'm talking about right? (audience laughing) In California, we're in a drought, we're out of drought, we're in a drought, we're out of— I'll tell you this, in my neighborhood last year, you can get fined— you can go to prison for using too much water. I mean, imagine being in jail, you're like, hey man, why are you here? "Murder? How about you?" I said, I ran the sprinkler. (audience laughing) You get out two years later, you got a big H2O tattoo on your neck. (audience laughing) A real droplet of water (audience laughing) and mother nature is not happy. I recently experienced my first earthquake since living in the state of California, so I dove under a table, 'cause that's what those people told me to do. (audience laughing) Then I thought, wait, I bought this table at IKEA (audience laughing) and I put it together myself. (audience laughing) You guys can't tell by now, I too was also born in the Holy Land, Brooklyn, New York. (audience laughing) We got some Brooklyn people here tonight? - [Woman] No. (audience laughing) - No. Cause that would be odd like, "Hey man, where should we go?" Uh, Provo? (audience laughing) "Like the cheese?" No. Provo to Utah. I would say Brooklyn to Provo would certainly be witness protection. (audience laughing) Big culture shock going from New York to California though. A few years ago, I was at this restaurant. The waitress comes up to me. "Hi. (audience laughing) "I'm 23 years old, "what were you doing "when you were 23?" (audience laughing) I'm like, that was 20 years ago when I first moved out here. "Well, how old are you now?" (audience laughing) I'm like, there's one child that got left behind. (audience laughing) To make much money as kids in New York, we used to rake leaves, mow lawns, shovel snow. I tried mowing lawns in San Jose. Some guy named Pepe, threatened me. (audience laughing) For invading his territory. It was my lawn! (audience laughing) I actually grew up in an all black neighborhood in Queens, New York and as the only white kid in the Little League, my mother would sit in the stands with all the black parents who'd ask, "Which one's your boy?" (audience laughing) Some of you might remember when Roots came out. That was one of the greatest documentaries about one of the worst institutions in our history, but let me tell you this, being the only white kid in an all black neighborhood in Queens, New York, when Roots came out, was not a good thing. The next day, all I remember was, "There's Masa, get him." I'm like, no! I'm Puerto Rican. (audience laughing) He went that way, Poppy. (audience laughing) That same year, I was in fourth grade. Ps 95, Jamaica, Queens. True story. I actually won, the Black History month Essay Contest, (audience laughing) but talk about a disappointed group of people (audience laughing) and the winner is, Jeff Apple— "Oh nah, that ain't right." (audience laughing) Put that next to my NAACP Scholarship. When in Rome, baby, when in Rome. (audience laughing) Man, there's still so much chatter going on about the unisex bathrooms and the biggest problem I have with unisex bathrooms, is this. I cannot go into a bathroom, kill it, get out see a woman, and then act like it wasn't me. (audience laughing) Two dudes could be in the bathroom, my friend, you could drop a Taco Bell, 10 pack, nuclear Duke. Every day, I could walk in and go, "Oh. Bro, good one." (audience laughing) That's men and women, right? (audience laughing) If I'm sitting down in the can and I looked over and I see a pair of stilettos, I'm gonna wait it out (audience laughing) and if you're reading a book, I'm gonna lose circulation in my legs. (audience laughing) I have three children and my—I know amateur and I'm . . . (audience laughing) I have three children and my wife is Chinese, and my middle boy looks Chinese and when he was a baby, he was at the barber and the barber slipped and shaved off all his hair and I come home, and sitting in my chair, is the last emperor. (audience laughing) It's like, get off my pillow, little Buddha (audience laughing) and my wife wants the kids to learn Chinese because . . . we may move to San Francisco (audience laughing) and we wanted them to interpret the tattoos of the privileged. (audience laughing) That may not say warrior, that's all I'm saying (audience laughing) and she's speaking only Chinese to the kids and after a few weeks, a few months they start making noise blah, blah. blah. My genius friend goes, "Are they speaking "Chinese or English?" I'm like, blah blah, blah blah. I'm like, I heard a few, (glottal stops) could be Hebrew (audience laughing) and now we're watching all the Disney classics in Chinese. We're not watching Mickey Mouse. We're watching Mickey (speaking Chinese) (audience laughing) (speaking Chinese) (audience laughing) and my son comes to me last week he's like, "Daddy, "I wanna watch Naked Alien." 15 minutes later, I figured out he went to watch Nickelodeon (audience laughing) Now, my family is very well integrated. My older brother Married a Swedish woman, my wife is Chinese, my other brother's wife is black. That was an interesting wedding. New York Jews and black Southern Baptists. (audience laughing) Our extended family reunions are like the general assembly at the UN. (audience laughing) Nobody speaks the same language, they're all fighting and only three people recognize Israel as a country (audience laughing) (audience applauding) and I remember my brother's wedding. He stepped on the glass and his in-laws yell, molotov! (audience laughing) That's mazel tov. (audience laughing) My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. Thank you. (audience cheers) Happiest six years of my life. (audience laughing) That was the year of the rat through the year of the rooster. (audience laughing) I love my wife very much. We don't argue now, we only have discussions and we had a discussion a few weeks ago, over cream cheese. Cream cheese. Let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you what happened. I was sent to this—excuse me, I went to the store. (audience laughing) Who am I kidding. I was sent to the store (audience laughing) to buy a dozen bagels. I use Bagels and Paltz because outside of New York it's just bread and it's round, okay? (audience laughing) Thank you. Thank you. With a dozen bagels, you get to pick out your own flavor of cream cheese. I picked sun-dried tomato cream cheese because the packaging looked nice. (audience laughing) I came home and handed my wife, the bags she opened and took out the cream cheese and said, "What is this?" All of a sudden I became an eight year old trying to hide broccoli. I don't know. "Who is going to eat this?" I don't know! (audience laughing) I was told to take it back. (audience laughing) Three days later, (audience laughing) I'm at the grocery store and I see a man take out his cell phone and take a picture (audience laughing) of frozen pizza. Sent it to whom, I believe was his wife. (audience laughing) Waited 15 seconds got the confirmation the pizza went in a shopping cart and that's how you stay married today. (audience cheers) We're gonna mess it up and if you have kids that play sports there is no such thing as a child's activity. It is an entire family commitment. I was at my kid's Little League game a few years ago, people say, "Hey, did you see "your son get a hit?" I'm like, no, I was working my 45 volunteer hours I was in the Snack Shack. (audience laughing) We didn't have a Snack Shack when we were kids and why at eight years old? Does the kid have to have his name on the back of the uniform? There should be a rule. The kids got to either be 15 or good! (audience applauding) The last thing I need is who threw the ball into the stands? Applebaum, that that's not my son look, the kid is Chinese. I have no idea who that kid is. (audience laughing) That's not my son (audience laughing) and we're so afraid for kids to lose these days. We gotta protect them from everything. It's like, "Hey, here's your 15th place, "participation trophy. "Let's give him a hand, 15 place." I'm like, man, when we were kids, we lost, we cried, we went home and we got better. I would get up to bat in my neighborhood they're like, "You better not strike out, cracker." I'm like . . . (audience laughing) "A big swing and miss." They're like, "Sit down, "I'm gonna kill you." (audience laughing) Today it's like, "A big swing and miss, "Good swing, Timmy. Good swing." I'm like, "Your kids sucks." (audience laughing) And we were not allowed to play football as kids. My mother would say stuff like this, "It's gonna damage your brain." Turns out she was right by the way, okay. (audience laughing) My cousin Richard, six foot five, 275 pounds played football at the University of North Carolina. When he got married, it was like two big Italian guys an Irish guy, a German guy, and me. I had the smallest neck in the wedding party. When you looked at the line of groomsmen, it was like stages of evolution. (audience laughing) I was the one standing up on two legs, yes. (audience laughing) My wife and I have found it so hard to travel, you know, with all the kids and then we finally got to go to Barcelona a few years ago. Anybody ever been to Barcelona? (audience cheers) As you know, in Barcelona. (audience laughing) They speak Spanish a little bit differently than we do here in Los Estados Unidos. (audience laughing) In Barcelona they speak Spanish with a little lisp (audience laughing) and I got off the plane and this guy came up and he said, "Buenos dias." (lisp) (audience laughing) Okay. (audience laughing) "Como esta usted?" (audience laughing) "Muy bien. Muy bien." I'm like, who taught you Spanish? Sylvester and Tweety bird? (audience laughing) I thought I saw a gato, I did, I did (audience laughing) and we also had a chance to go to Israel and I remember the first time I got off the plane in Israel I looked around and I saw so many people that looked like members of my family, (audience laughing) 'cause we come from a long line of customs inspectors (audience laughing) (audience laughing) and there's a lot of people of Russian descent in Israel and I was on a beautiful beaches of Tel Aviv and I turned around and I bumped into this big Russian guy, and it made me nervous, because inside of every big Russian guy, is another Russian guy. and inside of him is another Russian guy, and inside him was another Russian guy and that's my daughter's favorite joke, by the way, so . . . (audience laughing) I look at all the games that the kids have these days they got what an X-Box, Y-Box Z-Box you, me, we, them, us. What was our video game? What is the video game we had? Who remembers the first, Atari Pong? How many people remember Pong, right? (audience cheers) Long, white, rectangle, little white square and my family did not own a color TV, till I was in ninth grade. We had, it was a big old black and white TV, big wood box and small screen and I'll tell you that and we'd watch Batman. The kids would make fun of me they're like, "What color is batman's cape?" I'm like, Gray. (audience laughing) "How about Robin?" Light gray (audience laughing) and we wanna watch Batman at 5:30. We had to turn the TV on at 5:15, (audience laughing) because it had to warm up. (audience laughing) Could you imagine your kids, your grandkids sitting 15 minutes for a TV set to warm up today? (audience laughing) "Whatever. "Whatever!" (audience laughing) $2 for all the channels we wanted in the whole world, UHF and VHF that knob would fall off, we'd use a pair of pliers (audience laughing) and on Saturday night in New York city, my brothers and I would watch what I thought was the greatest Spanish TV station of all time. We watched Channel 47, Lucha Libre. - [Man] Woo hoo! - Spanish wrestling and I look over at that TV set and I go, "Whoa, that TV set had no antenna" And then I thought, I had a radio that had no antenna, I could be deep in the basement I could be surrounded by steel and no matter where I have ever been in this entire world, I have always received a crisp Spanish Broadcast. (audience laughing) Even Israel. (audience laughing) Which makes me wonder, why aren't there more Spanish cell phone companies? (audience laughing) Telefono. (audience laughing) (speaking Spanish) You put a wire hanger on top of a TV set, that is a Spanish satellite dish, right? I got a separate game in Nicaragua, goal! (audience laughing) And then when the picture would finally come on, it wouldn't be this beautiful flat panel HD image. It would come on like this and it would never quite make it to the top of the screen and I look over, Whoa, cat woman's head is kind of dog-eared. (audience laughing) I look a little closer like, whoa, doesn't Sony have one 'n'? (audience laughing) And my father had bought a Sunny TV. We grew up with all the off-brands. I didn't complain, I just sat there quietly eating my Ben and Gerald's ice cream. (audience laughing) Rocky Ride. (audience laughing) If you have ever shopped at Walmart, you know this, they don't have Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper. They have Mountain Lightening and Dr. Thunder. (audience laughing) Walmart was the number one retailor in the world but they didn't always have top shelf products, no. I bought a pair of underwear at Walmart. A string hanging off of it. I pulled on that thing two days later, I had a sweatband and a durag. (audience laughing) Durag with an air hole. (audience laughing) I'll tell you, I'm— where I exercise, there's a lady who thinks for some reason that my name is Steve. (audience laughing) It's a great name. (audience laughing) It's just not mine. (audience laughing) She sees me last week, she's like, "Hey, Steve." I'm like, hey. (audience laughing) She's like, "Where's your next show?" Like, here's my chance. I said, all the information is on my website, jeffapplebaum.com. She repeats "Jeffapplebaum.com "Okay Steve, I'll check it out." (audience laughing) You guys have been absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. (audience cheers)
