Jim Gaffigan CBS Sunday Morning MEGA Compilation

hi i'm karl malden and uh i'd like to talk to you about american express now hey it's me jim gaffigan um i'm wearing a hat because i didn't shower since the pandemic started in march in new york i have been doing commentaries every sunday on cbs well not every weekend but i've done 16 16. we thought it might be fun to post all of them in one video i'm not saying you have to watch them but in the description below is all the different ones so if there's one that you missed and you want to check it out or if you want to see me slowly losing my mind or just nostalgic take a look at what we've all been through the most recent one was last sunday and then it goes back in time to march which in a lot of ways we're still in march aren't we anyway feel free to hit subscribe uh suggest it or like it or whatever anyway i'm gonna shower some people would shower before they do a video not me anyway i love you a lot it's already august but is it really i mean the calendar may indicate that it's august the weather outside might feel like august beautiful the corn i planted would make you think it's august but is it really august wait i planted corn it can't be august there wasn't a july or a june or a may there was definitely in april i remember april it felt like a cruel extension of march what if we're still in march it could still be march i'm still doing the same thing i was doing in march i'm still only hanging around these people i call my family like i did in march i'm i'm still dressing like i'm struggling with a hangover like i did in march i still don't understand how those zoom meetings work i still watch the news frustrated and flabbergasted like i was in march i still don't understand that term new normal like i didn't understand it in march how can something be new and normal how can something be normal and new i gotta check my corn this is all mine that's why i know it's not march because i'm growing corn and why am i growing corn what's your job like now the reason i ask is because this cbs sunday morning thing isn't my only job i mean don't get me wrong i love doing these segments but like many of you i have a couple jobs well i had a couple jobs see in addition to doing these things i'm also a writer and an actor well i was an actor then again during the pandemic i've been acting like i'm not going crazy my main job or my day job is actually a night job i'm a stand-up comedian because when you have kids you lie to them all the time you're like you wouldn't like this ice cream it's very spicy for the past 30 years 300 nights a year i performed stand-up comedy thank you oh thank you i performed everywhere clubs bars laundry mats theaters arenas i even performed once at a rodeo because i have a good agent but then boom covet hits getting groups together during the highly contagious pandemic is not a good idea so what's a comedian to do a comedian needs an audience stand-up is a conversation there's no fourth wall sure the conversation is kind of one-sided only the comedian has a microphone and the audience communicates by laughter but it's a communication the laughter of the audience is not just enjoyed by the comedian it's enjoyed by everyone there's a sense of community that's built can stand up be performed virtually via zoom i suppose but nothing beats the in-person experience but how well last sunday in the parking lot of a horse track in new jersey i performed my first drive-in stand-up show this is my first one that's right i performed stand-up comedy to close to a thousand cars people were sitting inside the cars or socially distanced on top of their roofs was it ideal no were the laughs as loud definitely not but it was a show and for a couple hours through my jokes and through the flicking lights and the faint laughter and the beeping horns a community was built did that community look like a traffic jam it sure did but i'll take it i'm sure it wasn't your most social fourth of july celebration but at least you got to participate i learned a long time ago that i don't need to be in a group of people to eat too many hot dogs and hamburgers and if you aren't social distancing with fireworks you're gonna get hurt i would say fourth of july is probably my least painful calendar notification i've received during the pandemic like many of you i have notifications on my computer of upcoming events back in march and april many of those events had to be cancelled because participating in them would mean death for someone unfortunately i didn't remove those events from my calendar as a result every couple days i received a reminder of what my life could have and should have been like i was gonna perform at radio city music hall that's not happening oh well my career is over ding oh that's right i was gonna fly to la to work on a movie that would have changed my career well that's never going to happen ding our family was going to do our annual summer beach vacation well we had to cancel that and since it was corona even the insurance we got didn't cover the cost of the rental i ate the whole thing that's a reminder i'm definitely going broke ding looks like we're not attending the family reunion this year yeah i guess it's not all bad news [Music] as things begin to open up or reclose depending where you live either way i have a confession i secretly thought this pandemic thing was going to be kind of easy for me at first i thought the quarantine was going to last two weeks so i i was a little off i was a little off i also assumed quarantine life would be relaxing wrong again wrong again now before you think i'm a fool which i am you should understand my logic back then you see in early march in new york city when there was rumblings of a possible order to stay home in place order there was part of me that was like so they want us to stay home okay i can do that i don't know if you can tell by looking at me but shelter in place is kind of my go-to anyway i'm what you would call indoorsy you know you have to understand i've been working and traveling non-stop when i go out to eat if i order a salad the waiter's always like oh look at you try doing what i love but my life had lost some balance i viewed a lockdown as a time to regroup maybe rejuvenate i thought spending time with my family would be helpful it wasn't and it isn't but what did i know back then in early march when we were finally issued the orders to not go to work to stay home and in the case of new york city not leave our apartments remain indoors to the greatest extent i was like this is going to be easy for me this is my wheelhouse and then when i found out ordering delivery could help small businesses it's like i'm going to be the king of the pandemic anyway my point is i was wrong yeah and it's not the first time i've been wrong but it's probably the last did you know that the number one gift that dads want on father's day is a phone call from their children that's right not a tie not a book not a bottle of booze not barbecue equipment not even one of those ugly and personal world's best dad coffee mugs which by the way no dad wants 47 of all dads just want a phone call from their children you know what that makes sense that's all i want see if i got a phone call from my children i guess i should explain i've spent the last three months with my children and only my children that's 101 days of quality time with my kids and only my kids i mean who's keeping track of time if you're playing at home it's over 2400 hours of just them if they called me on father's day that would mean they wouldn't be around me i wouldn't be able to hear them scream and complain well if they called me i would know they were calling and i would let the call go to voicemail and then i would text sorry i can't talk right now call you in five minutes but i'd never call that'll be the best father's day ever i'm kidding kind of happy father's day everyone call your dad [Music] especially if you live with him last monday was memorial day the unofficial start to summer to some americans not only was it the start of summer apparently it was the end of the pandemic now most of us would agree we're not through this yet but where do we stand is this the middle the end of the beginning is there going to be another wave how many waves do i need a surfboard we could look to history for hints the spanish flu of 1918 which some scientists think started in kansas sorry spain that had waves the second being the most deadly i don't know what that information gives us except for more fear the irony is not knowing what comes next is what makes life interesting but still it would be nice to know where we stand like if you go on vacation remember vacations depending on the length and the destination you could figure out how to pack for that vacation of course this is not a vacation but whenever we travel back to normal wherever that is we're gonna want to be prepared either way i should find out if any of my pants still fit we're all in this together that's one of the things we're told right you're told you know wash your hands every 20 minutes stand six feet apart wear a mask stay home but remember we're all in this together are we well as a result of following those orders my hands hurt i'm lonely and i essentially have the social life of the una bomber in some ways we really are all in this together i mean this is a global pandemic yes in other countries [Applause] they're cheering on their health care workers and slowly losing their minds also as a country we're all in this together and the emergency is over i don't know about that i mean the viruses hit different parts of the country at different times and we all know different socio and economic and racial groups have been affected differently i don't even know if as a family we're all in this together gotta take screens what my kids because eventually i gotta take them when i take their screens i don't feel like we're all in this together i'm going to take that why is it so short now and my wife you know how are you doing let's just say that she hasn't liked me for a while and i see her point maybe when they said we're all in this together they were talking about the voices in our heads you know it may surprise you but i have many voices in my head there are the two loudest ones right now are the one that says we're all going to be fine and the other one is we're all going to die of course both those voices are wrong but those two voices and me yeah we're all in this together you can do it me you can do it me thanks me thanks me you can do it me thanks uh me i don't know how much longer i can do this unprecedented remember when hearing the word unprecedented was rare it was something special something people would say to sound dramatic the unprecedented devastation in australia the hurricane caused unprecedented devastation the unprecedented outbreak of a mosquito-borne illness i used to be frightened a little excited when i would hear the word unprecedented this is a really almost unprecedented big snowstorm ooh something's unprecedented well that's never happened mixing things up are we now the word unprecedented bounces off me breaking news unprecedented job loss unprecedented measures taken to shut down the country there could be quote unprecedented illness and fatalities like most of you i just want to go back to the times of precedence i miss the good old days when politics was boring and business news was a snooze fest i want to go back to a time when i had no idea what an epidemiologist was we live in unprecedented times with an unprecedented number of sick people and an unprecedented strain on our health care workers an unprecedented level of unemployment and an unprecedented number of americans seeking food assistance to me the struggle to find hope and gratitude in these times is unprecedented i have so much to be grateful for my wife survived a brain tumor we do the totem pole my children are healthy wait what about jake well physically i should focus on gratitude during these unprecedented times see unprecedented events are now the precedent not the president although the president is unprecedented which is now the precedent wait how long have i been in here who's the president well this is my eighth weekly commentary during this time of quarantine eight can you believe it who knows maybe in a hundred years so i'm gonna watch a couple of these and think wow during that pandemic people really got pale kidding we all know the world won't last another 100 years it's day 1 billion of quarantine i do appreciate the opportunity to check in and do something besides stop my five children from trying to kill one another and the cleaning ugh i had no idea how exhausting it was to watch my wife clean all day who left a can in the bathroom another creative outlet i've engaged in during the shut-in has been having dinner with my family streamed on youtube every night welcome to dinner with the gaffigans i'm one of the gaffigans and we're having dinner and you're invited it started as a silly show where maybe we'd invite people in who were separated from loved ones or people that wanted a break from the news it is the evening report i'm sure some people just watch so they can see children with uncombed hair eat food prepared by a man slowly losing his mind what if i told you guys i made this pasta by hand but i wouldn't eat it pretty quickly we turned the show into a fundraiser so that we could raise funds for the front line and to help out the food insecure brigitte lugo gave two dollars thank you so much it's not much but it's something the biggest surprise of dinner with the gaffigans is that we've done 59 of them 59 that's right that's more than i've done of just about anything 59 most television shows like csi whatever city they're on they'll do maybe like 26 episodes we've done 59 and you know how much i've been paid nothing i need an agent be safe everyone [Music] we're here to make [Music] okay it happened i've been in quarantine in my new york city apartment with my wife and five children for what now a hundred years okay fine it's only been seven weeks but it finally happened i miss other people and i'm not talking about my friends obviously i miss my friends not all of them and i'm not talking about people who come to my shows or follow me on social media obviously those are good people with excellent taste no i'm talking about the other people the strangers the people i don't know who i haven't seen for seven weeks you see living in an urban setting like i do other people or strangers are an integral part of my life i can't walk down the street ride the subway or pick up my kid from school without interacting with strangers pre-pandemic i wasn't a fan of strangers strangers seemed to be in the way strangers seemed to be a burden now i miss them you know that person at the airport who decides to only start looking for their id when they're standing in front of the tsa guy i miss that person i miss the people i would see in my neighborhood once a month the lady with the enormous dog that certainly wouldn't fit in any new york city apartment i miss the guy and the fashionable green overalls who whenever he would see me and my oversized family would sneer at us maybe he wasn't sneering maybe that's just his expression my point is i miss community humans we are social animals i don't need a hug i need a sneer i look forward to the day one of you can sneer at me have you seen the news i mean all the news because i have that's right i've seen all the news all right fine i haven't seen all the news but over the past six weeks when i'm not preparing food for and cleaning up after my five vandals i'm watching news i'm watching news reading news like i'm cramming for an exam jim can you come help me with homeschool to evaluate these plans jim can you help me with the laundry i'm almost embarrassed by what i considered news prior to this whole pandemic remember when harry and megan moving to l.a was considered breaking news they've announced they're stepping back from their royal duties well this is really their own sort of brexit i guess those were the good old days and i watch everything all the shows all the coronavirus town hall the mayoral briefings the governor briefings my daughters are getting tired of my jokes believe it or not how that can happen i have no idea even those presidential briefings well some of them i'm not a masochist we've done this right and we we really we really have done this right i've seen the same infectious disease expert on multiple channels joining me now is dr anthony faucito dr anthony fauci dr anthony fauci dr anthony fauci it's like i'm stalking them let's just say i watch enough tv to know that sanjay gupta's schedule is ridiculous anderson this is this is inexcusable i mean it's just inexcusable i've even gotten to the point where i'm watching bbc news the news of our cousins across the pond the prime minister has announced the most drastic limits to our lives that the uk has ever seen in living memory i don't know what it is about bbc news but i must find it comforting maybe it's knowing this is happening to someone else or maybe i just think the british accent is a little less panicky the health secretary matt hancock said this is a somber day that reinforced why the public must adhere to social distancing rules or maybe i just like the opening of the news program where there's just the world spinning and there's no sound and then suddenly it's done done like it's an episode of law and order but mostly what i've realized by watching bbc is that we're not in this alone this is not america's pandemic or this is not europe's pandemic this is a pandemic affecting all of humanity and we're counting on you nerds to solve it go science please thank you five weeks five weeks in quarantine with my wife and five children in our new york city apartment and i'm not crazy i'm not crazy crazy did you're an echo i'm not crazy crazy but i'm getting there every morning i wake up it feels like that scene in the movie groundhog day okay except unlike bill murray's character it's not groundhog day for me it's january 1st who does that after a new year's eve party that i wasn't invited to now come over here look at this every morning as i walk out to greet my true friend the coffee maker i see the remnants of some phantom party who does that who would do that a can a wrapper some crumbs strategically placed to invite mice or bugs that's wrong that's mean was it you no it's my children they're vandals they're doing it on purpose to torture me that's the garbage that's the juice box garbage juice packs you just have a can in your bed why would you think that would be okay um i don't know i was gonna throw it away they destroyed an antique chair they didn't break it they destroyed it it's my boys they're savages [Applause] my wife and i have tried we've tried to civilize them we tell them how to sit how to eat how to comb your hair now when's the last time you guys combed your hair that was a pretty yesterday we comb their hair for them yet they still look like this this is your hair right i should go i can hear them planning their next mess i'm not crazy you're not crazy now i'm talking to my fifa iphone hang in there everyone hi i'm jim gaffigan and i used to do stand-up comedy i used to write and i also did some acting but now i'm a professional shut-in living with my wife and five children in our new york city apartment the daily ritual of cooking for and cleaning up after five children seems cool well it seemed cruel until they started their distance learning program distance learning how do i say this without cursing i'm going to remind you i've made comments on a lot of your work go back and check if you've never heard of distance learning that means you probably don't have children or you're a worse parent than i am you can also write you can also say cheating in two sentences right like watching for students they get to go to school but don't get to be with their friends for teachers they get to teach but only to a screen just write a message to me and i will get back to you and for parents we get to fail a tech support and class monitor i can't hear anyone i can't hear anyone i can't hear anyone though all right that's all right we have five children on five different devices in five different parts of my new york city apartment with five different schedules that happen simultaneously sounds fun right well it sure is my wife has created elaborate color-coded schedules and charts to manage when online classes end and others begin there's usually some drama with every change [Music] the great irony of distance learning is that it occurs on screens screams the great enemy of parents parents are always trying to get the screens away from their children but during quarantine and during distance learning you give them the screens and then you take them then you give them and then you take them it's fun it's fun if you don't know what it's like to take a screen from a child just imagine you're trying to convince an addict to go to rehab what are you doing nothing i'm just looking at it it's not time my wife and i just finally caved and bought a steel charging contraption that locks away the screens now that may seem extreme but we've only had to change the combination twice this week i guess the point i'm saying here on easter is we're having fun be safe everyone here's some good news it's springtime everyone winter is finally over flowers are blooming baby birds are singing well from what i've heard i've been in quarantine for the past three weeks with my wife and five children but so have many of you i mean not with my wife and five children or with this haircut thanks genie of course where you quarantine can provide a different experience my brother joe and my sister pam are in quarantine in chicago in their homes my brother mitch is in quarantine in indiana i have another brother mike in quarantine in orlando i know i have a lot of siblings it's annoying my sister kathy is in quarantine in mesa arizona with her boyfriend she's been nice enough to send photos of her and her boyfriend enjoying arizona's weather dinner with the catholicans including your hostess who regrets agreeing to this me and my family are here in my new york city apartment if you've watched the news recently you know new york city is the new epicenter there are more cases in new york city than anywhere else so we're number one to make things more interesting my wife is considered high risk you see two years ago my wife had a tumor the size of a pear removed from her brain here we are the surge was a success thank god but following that she contracted pneumonia which severely damaged her lungs so here we are on double secret lockdown quarantine the big highlight of my day when i'm not cooking and cleaning is taking the garbage out or picking up packages i call it my me time but you know what it's still spring it's a time of renewal and rebirth a promise of better things to come instead of being disappointed about staying at home right now we should be thinking about the possibilities of the springs in the future you know what i can hear the baby bird singing and i see the leaves growing and i don't know it i guess it gives me hope that that's unbelievable be safe everyone hi still here with my wife and five children on quarantine in our new york city apartment how is it good it's good every morning we wake up and we eat and then we clean then we argue then we eat and clean then we argue sometimes we mix it up and we argue before we eat or clean essentially at this point my wife and i are running a diner we make mediocre food for ungrateful recipients then we clean up and do it again sometimes i imagine my family and i are participating in a never-ending episode of that long-running show alice what's a soup to jeweler split pink that was a soup yesterday i would of course play mel the gruff and grumpy short order cook but you know had a heart of gold fill up the sauce shakers with salt no with uranium of course with salt my wife genie would play the resilient and strong alice who's just trying to keep things going don didn't believe in insurance oh come it didn't come in a six-pack my children would play rotating roles when they were confused or befuddled by a situation they would play vera oh there lock up ow if they're really sarcastic and mouthy they would play flow hey cutie where you been all my life the first time i wasn't even born and believe me they say things much worse than kiss my grits what kiss my grant occasionally they're sweet so they play the role of tommy alice's son all right now what if i lose then you've learned a lesson wow never listen to a 12 year old kid similar to the tv show we work unrealistic shifts that start early in the morning and seem to end real late at night the biggest difference between us and the real show alice is our episode never ends anyway here's the opening title sequence to the show about my life and quarantine and in between [Music] me there's a new girl in town and she's looking good there's a fresh freckled face [Applause] [Music] she's gonna stay be safe everyone we're gonna get through this maybe as you can see i'm here in quarantine or is it on quarantine either way i'm here and obviously i don't normally look like this uh the quarantine has kind of you know affected my appearance all right fine this is what i look like normally i've been here with my family in our apartment for [Music] six decades six days six days dinner lunch breakfast but you know what i'm trying to use this time to reconnect with my wife and our beautiful four children five children they're one of them short honestly in february when i heard rumors about hypotheticals of us being quarantined in our apartments and houses with our families i i was mostly worried about being bored and i heard shakespeare wrote king lear while he was on quarantine during the black plague and here's what i've learned i'm not bored i'm not born at all creative production none no king lear but you know what i also realize that shakespeare probably if he was writing king lear he wasn't helping his family he wasn't helping his wife so really we should look at maybe canceling shakespeare the second thing i learned is all these movies and shows about post-apocalyptic times were wrong there was not enough emphasis on toilet paper in those shows and movies i don't know what some people are doing with the toilet paper if they're eating it but some of those people should probably get some roughage in their diet the third thing i've realized is i love the internet thank god for the internet the internet has been an invaluable tool for communication and also for creative outlet for not just me but also my family dinner with the gaffigans dinner with the gaffigans every night we do this youtube show called dinner with the gaffigans and to be honest that show brings my family together and maybe makes us not kill each other anyway i love you internet when did that article go up and finally i learned it's possible for one man to eat two weeks of food for seven people you ate all our food um don't tell your mom mom be safe everyone hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 355,507

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Id: PYJ85-_YZL0

Length: 40min 24sec (2424 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 05 2020