Funniest Hygiene Stand-up Jokes | Jim Gaffigan

my wife's into the organic products i didn't know this organic is a grocery term meaning twice as expensive she bought me a natural deodorant and printed on the label it said does not work you're still being honest it's better than no deodorant yeah we all have that friend that's like you know you really don't need to wear deodorant yeah but you do well it's not natural well neither is crapping indoors bad for me to wear deodorant i'm suffering from some second-hand bo right now i think it's interesting all the different scents they have for deodorant you know what scent they should have is bacon talk about getting someone to crave you i don't know why but i want to have breakfast with him i bought some speed stick what's interesting about speed stick it actually smells worse than b.o what's that made out of urinal cakes you ever wear a different deodorant than normal for the rest of the day doesn't it seem like there's a stranger standing behind you am i being followed by a pine tree i'm glad i'm wearing a button-up shirt i've yet to figure out how to put on deodorant and then put on a t-shirt without getting a spot here here the middle of my back what was i wrestling at i got my ass kicked by my deodorant this has been a fun tour i've been traveling for a while yeah i get emails every week from friends hey when you come to town you have to stay with us no i don't because everyone's house has their own kind of smell i'm like are you guys making vitamins in here who's cooking the feet because they are done you guys are nice i should have showered i'm sure most you shower yeah there's probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath [Music] bath how much free time do you have on your hands what are you taking a break from ruling ancient egypt i don't have anything to do and i'll never have anything to do so i'll just sit in a pool of my own filth oh luxury i should probably take a shower after this bath huh i have taken a bath it always seems like it's going to be relaxing you're like ah this is so boring no wonder people kill themselves in these things huh don't worry no one here has killed themselves in a bath my point is no one takes baths except for that weird cup on the sialis commercial what kind of disposable income does that couple have honey after our pill and deuce love making what do you say we sit in the side-by-side tubs on the porch what is the message of that commercial this pillow is so good you're gonna have to take a bath afterwards i'll do separate baths he'll do it outside it's gonna be messy you know what i mean fellas those erectile dysfunction commercials are just there to ruin your night you enjoying your show just a reminder in a couple years you're gonna need a pill to do anything back to your show i took a shower didn't happen right away you ever have one of those days you're like i gotta take a shower just hours pass i still gotta take a shower and then when you finally do it feels like such an accomplishment hey took a shower i'm a governor showerer well time for bed shampooed and conditioned my hair as you can tell you got to condition your hair cause everyone else does someone told me the reason we're supposed to condition our hair is because we shampoo our hair too often so instead of using one product less often we just added another product yeah my wife didn't like my drinking beer every night so to make her feel better i started drinking beer and whiskey maybe i had to get her off my back who's that guy shampoo and conditioner always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us you ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first you're like oh crap it's like three bucks you ever try and put it back in your damn hole's too small i was end up holding on to it and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand now i'll just mix that together hope that doesn't start a fire or something there is that product it's shampoo and conditioner in one i don't trust it i don't like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar that's for goobers that joke's for goobers there are so many goos and potions in our showers and they're all just soaps with different names right this is a soap for your hair this is a soap for your body this is a facial scrub which is soap with sand in it my favorite shower cure potion though has to be body wash and not just because it sounds creepy it's like hey i got you some body wash yeah i got you a restraining order body wash wash the body potty wash i'm gonna wash your body while you sleep you can only use body wash on your body use it on your face you die it's the truth i remember when they first introduced body wash i was on a drugstore i was like this is so stupid body wash no i'm like honey we're all out of body wash can you get some more body wash that soaks so hard to use get the body washer that has energy pin it on it i need my body wash to give me energy that's what's printed on our bottle of body wash energy and bold like didn't even bother to think of a misleading adjective that made sense what should we put on the bottle of body wash fuel efficient low calorie something like that but it doesn't matter what it says on all those goose and potions right they're snake oils because when it comes to cleanliness we will believe anything we're like oh a facial scrub made of avocados that makes sense and it only cost fifty dollars honey i bought an avocado today for 99 cents well this must be good shampoo it's from france and they're known for cleanliness at least i think it's shampoo douche the what and friends are douching their hair i did that joke in montreal no one laughed really comes down to we don't want to smell right you ever catch yourself smelling you're like oh my god i gotta smell that again you're like drawn to it you're like that is alluring honey get over here i got a treat for you but we smell because we're animals right we're just self-cleaning animals we're like cats like i know we're supposed to be like aids but they're picking bugs off each other and eating it we're like cats we self clean we're grumpy we're finicky eaters i don't want to eat that i don't feel like eating that right now we like to think we're like dogs i mean i wish i was a dog dogs are always in a good mood they're like what is that throw up i'll eat it i don't care i'm just happy to be here dogs are happy to be anywhere you ever see a homeless guy with a dog the dog's like this isn't that bad i was begging for food anyway i mean but we're more like cats right but we can't even be like a cat because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object and we'd be like that's adorable but if i scratch myself on a mannequin at victoria's secret they call security if i'm just like oh i got an itch here especially if i'm probing if i'm like you can't do that victoria's secret but have you been to a bar you've probably been to a filthy public restroom we've all been in those bars where you're like oh wow now i know why they serve alcohol here and when i'm talking about uh the filthy bathroom i'm talking about the men's room i don't know about the ladies room i haven't been in there in like a week but the men's room i don't know what happens to guys when we go into a public restroom some anger comes out some of this stuff that's written on the walls you never have a friend admit it like hey give me a second i gotta pee and draw a swastika i'll be right back there's guys writing things on the walls and then there are the guys that reply some guy right this place sucks another guy right no you suck as if that first guy is ever gonna see that like he's gathering up his friends well this is what i wrote on this that guy one i suck but you double suck but all public restrooms even when you go even at fancy places you ever go in the the restroom and there's a bathroom attendant arnold's like oh no call me a loner but if there's one thing i don't want anyone attending when i'm using the restroom let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel they don't sell they always wave it at you like here you don't have to tip me you can just have bad luck the rest of your life and you have to tip the bathroom attendant you can't justify not tipping you can't be like ah he doesn't need it he's just working next to a toilet you have to tip the bathroom attendant sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip they'll have like gum and cologne on a shelf no thanks on the gum i'm sure a lot of that flavor has probably been knocked away here in your office where'd you get the gun bathroom yeah some stranger and a half a tuck sold it to me what flavor is that bathroom and the cologne you know talk about a place you don't want to pick up a scent well you smell different bathroom again same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf i just sprayed myself good guy i'm moving in with him the most memorable public restroom i was in was a new york city park men's room which doubles as a crime scene the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up we've all been in those scary bathrooms you're like what happened in here the lights are on but it's really dark there's water everywhere for some reason there's a film crew from ghost hunters but i had to go in there i was with my three-year-old and you know three-year-olds they don't tell you when they need to use the bathroom they tell you when they're about to use the bathroom you have to go potty ah almost done i spend too much time in hotels i do yeah sometimes at night i find myself thinking of the hundreds and hundreds of interesting people that have stayed in my room and then i'll just get up and sleep in the tub cause that's nasty you couldn't give away a used mattress but we'll pay a hundred bucks to sleep on one for a night thanks priceline here let me slip on this robe if someone else wore 12 hours ago ah luxury the amount of denial we embrace when we stay in a hotel is staggering if you knew a stranger used your bath towel at home once you'd be like burn it bury it in the backyard but we get in a hotel we're like sure the business guy before me only dried his elbow with this towel we changed entitlement we've become lazy you see that around the minibar right you're like eight bucks for a coke now let's hear this or walk down the hall of the vending machine he's got time for that i'm naked i'm always naked in my hotel room hey it's not my couch there is always that realization maybe i'm not the first person to do that because you're never the first person to do anything in a hotel room the ten commandments were based on what's already happened in your hotel room that's why there's a bible in there for references like oh that happened too oh no i'm sleeping in the tub for sure the only toilet tree i don't take is the shower cap yeah because i'm one of those weird people who likes clean hair i've never even met anyone who's used a shower cap probably because they all died 80 years ago if you are the oddball is going to use a shower cap you probably brought your own and a few extra for the rest of the golden girls it's easier to be a guy anyway i mean there's sexism but just the day-to-day life of being a woman honestly it looks too hard just hair what some women have to deal with cut and color and goose and potions what do most guys have to deal with with their hair not having a mullet that's all a guy has to do is not have a mullet a plus and there's still some guys that can't pull that off they're not talking about mom mullet are they no you've got a good mullet it's easier to be a guy makeup some women wear makeup most guys don't change their pants because they're belts in there are these jeans dirty is there a belt in there asked me in 2019 and i'm not saying women are doing any of these things to please or impress a man but some of it's self-inflicted like the eyebrow thing i mean that's on you ladies there's not a person on this planet that's sitting there going i'm looking for someone who's removed 90 of their eyebrow hair i don't even know what some of these ladies are going for it's like i want to look constantly surprised like i'm about to eat a baby japan is interesting because they're they're very polite and they're very organized and efficient but i feel like some of a lot of that japanese culture is just constructed so that they don't have to really interact with white people like so much of their culture it's like even like paying with a credit card they're like you know put it in the put it in the tray i i don't want to accidentally touch your white skin you know what just put it down there you ape or whatever you are you know getting a taxi in japan you know we'll open the door all right you don't have to put your grimy barbarian hand on my car just i'll open it get in try not to breathe all right even the taxi drivers in tokyo are wearing gloves they're like you never know when a westerner is going to reach over want to shake hands to be careful there's an apparent shortage of napkins in all of asia there's there is [Applause] it's just a cultural difference you ask for napkins in asia and they're like so suspicious they're like it's like you asked for their pin code to their credit card or something what do you need them for i don't know wipe my mouth but that's just the asians are better at eating you know westerners were just like oh shoot missed my mouth again whereas asians are like i can do it with two sticks better than you you guys have a fork and you miss still still some debate whether a napkin is a tissue in asia too right have you noticed that you're like sit down at a restaurant they give you a box of tissues i'm like i don't know i don't have a cold i was in beijing sat down in a restaurant and looked to the right there was a roll of toilet paper how bad is the food here you know what you're gonna need this you're going to need it right here at the table ironically one in the bathroom no toilet paper hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 493,620

Keywords:

Id: y1RAyZjBDDs

Length: 18min 4sec (1084 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 24 2020