How to make a relationship work?

they hate you Tony Gaskins here best-selling author of the book make it work I want to talk to you about making it work and how to have a healthy relationship I keep getting this question and I want you to understand some things now of course this took me 300 pages but I'll try to sum this up in an hour or so or less you can't really learn how to have a healthy relationship in seven minutes I know you will want to because time is precious but if you really care about a relationship then you got to be willing to put in the work because a relationship is a job that you cannot retire from so with the relationship you got to get up and you got to go to work every day what I mean by that is working in your relationship I can't just wake up and say you know what well now that I've been married 13 years I'm going to you know start cheating I feel like this week I want to cheat no I got a stay on it I got a stay focused stay faithful and it takes work and I think that's what happens is a lot of times people get into a relationship and you get complacent now the biggest thing and I'll start with the biggest thing first because just in case you don't get to stay here long the number one reason why relationships fail and I'm telling you this from a relationship coach who does this every single day while you're on your job I'm coaching relationships is me and cheating that's the number one reason that's the number one reason it's men cheating yes women cheat too but not at the same rate as men I'm in the trenches so if you're here today and you are in a relationship or maybe you're getting ready to go in a relationship that's what I have found to be the number one reason people try to say always finances always irreconcilable differences the root of it is men cheating so if you stopped cheating as a man or if you happen to be the woman who is the cheater if you can be faithful that pretty much solves 90% of the problems because when you think about it when a person is unfaithful emotionally or physically it runs downhill everything else is affected from that so when you start cheating your interest is somewhere else and so you're building with this person and you're building with this little fling on the side this is your vacation this is your escape so in the relationship now your relationship becomes an annoyance so now your communication breaks down your intimacy breaks down you are impatient you're intolerant you're frustrated you're stressed all of these things all these different feelings and emotions you start to give to your partner because your interest is somewhere else you're preoccupied over here so be faithful be faithful if you cannot be faithful then be honest with your partner and let him or her move on with their life but I'll be honest with you I'm in a relationship you see we are also the authors of a woman's influence published by Howard books I'll be honest with you when I decided as a man coming into marriage that I wanted to be 100% faithful the first two years having come from being a womanizer the first two years were the toughest it was a challenge because you read calibrating you know you get in your mind right because I have been a college athlete before that I was a star high school athlete so women were never a problem never a problem from the time I lost my virginity in ninth grade it was on and poppin and it just came a dime a dozen very easy and you get addicted to it so when I got married at 23 years old I'm still a young I was twenty three and two weeks I had just turned 23 so I'm still a young man and women don't understand that a lot of times when I try to explain it because a lot of women don't deal with that same you know urge that men deal with some women do but most don't most women don't just want to sleep with everything you walk in and wanna you know sleep with somebody every day like eighty percent of men and it's a reality that a lot of women don't want to accept because their mind cannot fathom being like that and that's just how different we are as genders but when I made that decision it took me about two years to fully lock all the way in stop having wandering eyes you know stop being weak stop entertaining the thought and when I did that guess what it was like the relationship was healed it was like all of the bickering and the power struggle and back and forth and attitudes all came from me being open to the idea of infidelity when I shut that down and I locked them and focus 100% on my wife and decided to give her all of me at 25 years old guess what everything's hanged now from there we'll move on in your relationship one of the biggest things you're gonna face as well is the power struggle so the man wants to be catered to and the woman wants to be catered to both parties have their dreams of what you want in a relationship so the man wants to be cooked for he wants to be cleaned for he wants his head massage both of them he wants all this King treatment you know he feels like his job is to go to work make the money bring home the bacon and then be pampered by his woman the woman wants to be catered to she wants Queen treatment she wants him to sing her praises about her cooking her cleaning about her bedroom activities and how great she is give her compliments on her curves her body the hard work she's putting in in the gym she wants spontaneous gifts she wants walks in the park kisses on the forehead you know foot rubs when you can she wants to be catered to now these are just examples it could be whatever it is that you want you get the point and so both people coming in want to be served want to be catered to so what happens is you start the buttheads and the reason why is because you're both selfish you're thinking about what you need instead of thinking about what your partner needs what your spouse needs so see in order to have a healthy relationship you have to be selfless and I was talking to my wife and we were discussing this and as I'm coaching couples and sometimes a couple most of time we tell a couple you know you need to do at least four sessions for coaching sessions and in these sessions sometimes before the session you know I'll talk to my wife and I say you know what some things you think I need to hit on and one of the things that she always says is you know selflessness make sure they understand the importance of being selfless so my wife she's been on words of affirmation because in the past dealing with insecurities you know growing up dealing with you know whether it's weight issues or family issues that cause some insecurities so I woke up this morning she was already up because you know our our kids are tube songs they're working from home doing schoolwork at home you know during the situation with 19 out here and I sent her text I said hey baby I love you and I'm using my phone I can't read you my text I said hey baby I love you when I woke up she was already out living room and she texted back and she said hey I love you too baby and thank you so much for being understanding with me not feeling well because he got she got bit by a horsefly and so it and she's allergic to it so it kind of gave her infection you know right there under and it swole up and just the infection in her body making her not feel good and so we've been married 13 years you know 13 years and going on two months now 13 so but and this what we still doing the good morning text that you used to get from your boyfriend that I want me to get from a boyfriend when you're dating I'm still doing that 13 years in marriage and then she writes me back her sweet text and then after that I got on I was on I got a phone call I'm sitting in the bed I'm answering emails you know I like to work from the bed just remind myself that I'm a boss that I work hard I ain't got a punch nobody o'clock and so I answer emails right from the bed now I get a phone call from one of my guys from the NBA and she brings me breakfast she bringing me breakfast and my probiotic juice while I'm sitting in the bed on the phone you see what I'm saying being selfless I didn't have to ask her to bring me breakfast she just thought of and she did it herself you see and that's what I do I'm looking for ways to please her I get online after this i order for nothing guilt or I take and we sit down on the couch and I massage your shoulder last night you know her head was not feeling well so got this little ice roller thing that we have rubbed it on the forehead rubbed it on her temples wrote that on her lymph nodes and a neck back here you know rubbed it up under here just relaxing the muscles in her face while she laying down and it helped put her to sleep you see what I mean I served her last night put her to sleep no intimacy now she's not feeling well so I'm not trying to say old you know you leg hurt but your mouth still working you know what what can we do no no infants you're not feeling good then on top of that I'm serving her wake up this morning I'm serving her words of affirmation si reciprocating words of affirmation then she does an act of service I did an act of service last night put her in a sleep she did an act of service this morning bringing me breakfast you see what I mean you have to be selfless in order for your relationship to work now here's the thing if your partner is being selfless you have to reciprocate the problem is a lot of times somebody will be the mature person and start to lead in love is what I call it lead in love and the other person just kicks their feet up oh yeah thank you it's nice oh yeah oh yeah can you do my temples after that oh yeah and so the person just sitting there just getting all this treatment and here your spouse is trying to love you kissing your butt and you're just accepting it and you're not reciprocating equally or greater so both of you have to look one another in the eye and say listen okay do we know each other if you know each other meaning you know the love that your partner needs do you know that if you don't then you need to figure that out you need the Google to five love languages read what they are from dr. Carrick and Gary Chapman and then you need to figure out what your love languages are and the two of you need to learn how to speak one another's each other's love languages fluently fluently my wife her thing is for nothing is gifts that's one of her love languages it just likes her off to get a gift physical touch words of affirmation quality time acts of service is not really that would be the least of her but acts of service you know I've put together two night stands last night she liked that you know when I try to be handy cuz I'm not a handyman not one little guy that took bill your house from the ground up like somebody's man out here I call somebody to do it you know so I put together two nightstands they sitting outside of my office I'm still seeing them she like that I break a little sweat that's the act of service but that would say that would be the least but I gotta speak all five love languages with my wife all five of them because she just saw all around love her now she speaks my love languages acts of service and physical touch you know she speak my love my love language words affirmation I really don't like too many compliments gifts I really don't like gifts and quality time I like quality time but at the same time I'm real real focused on my purpose and home alone my voice forgive him I'd be talking a whole hour now I'm really focused on my purpose so I might do a lot of work there and then we have our dates every day Netflix dates or riding around the city go get us some my take out part sitting there and eat so learn your love languages and then speak them fluently now here's the other thing there's a caveat ok t-shirt under the video is you can't keep score one of the habits bad habits that me and my wife had is every now then will run off what we doing for the other person you know I do this I did this I did that I did that you can't keep score you can't keep score you just gotta love and there is no scoreboard so you running up the score there is no end of regulation there is no overtime it's ongoing game the where you just love and love and love and love and you running up infinite score and you can't keep it you can't keep it so when you implement these things right here now you own your way you're creating a healthy relationship now another huge part that a lot of times I've seen in certain little writers try to say a key to a healthy relationship is not communication and that's a lot that's a lot communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life I got a whole chapter on communication so if y'all trying to rebuild or you trying to rekindle make sure you read make it work I'm gonna see if I can find the chapter arguing isn't communication maybe that's one chapter on page 123 now let me tell you now I got some I think some rules in here okay now we're gonna go through these some of these to help you understand because communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life my wife and I have a rule that says if it's not worth breaking up over then it's not worth arguing over so what that means is what's worth breaking up over lying cheating and any form of abuse okay any form of it those are three things that I could think of right away that's worth breaking up over so if it's not one of those three things we're having a discussion and we moving past it we're not going to bed mad we're not doing a silent treatment we're not breaking up the make up none of that we're getting right on past it we're addressing it oh I know what I got to do you know what you got to do let's go just like that okay now when it comes to communication and you fill in some things number one wait 24 hours before addressing the issue in communication now you might if you don't have the book that you need a notepad look I come on here and really really bring you a lesson so when you kind of watch my videos especially this your first time you need a notepad when you can't watch the videos cuz I'm really geeky something now okay wait 24 hours the reason why is because you need to cool down you need to cool down you need to be cool calm and collected now number two says have a discussion in a private setting one of the one of the mistakes people make is you sitting in the park and want to discuss Kingdom business you at the restaurant and want to discuss Kingdom business you need to be in a private setting y'all could be sitting in the car y'all gonna be sitting in your house you know you need to be in a private setting use I feel statements so you know what that means is you literally saying I feel like you take me for granted I feel like you don't value my time I feel like you don't respect me so when you use I feel statement it eliminates a lot of the arguments because when you say you always do this you never do this when you give those type of statements now the other person can call you a liar but when you say I feel like the other your spouse can't really call you a liar because they can't he or she cannot tell you what you do and don't feel so that's what you gotta understand on this here okay now what you have next is seek to understand then be understood now these lessons that I just picked up along the way these last two I feel and seek to understand I believe stephen r.covey teaches that see when you take and you put your spouse's shoes on your feet and walk them out looking through their lenses you don't see what it feels like to be down take turns talking a lot of times when you communicating you couldn't want another off you can't do that you gotta take listen all the way while your partner is talking and you're seeking to understand remain seated see you start a conversation that can get heated in the kitchen oh yeah get hot in the kitchen and you standing up now when you stand in on this and all of this and this weather pushing and shoving and touching it cuz now your posture is what's up what you want to do but when you're sitting down you could be cool calm and collected do not yell one of the biggest mistakes that couples make in communicating is yelling you're doing all that yelling and screaming and then you crying the women a lot of times be crying sometimes the man be crying and you and you doing all of that your partner can't hear you can't understand you just have shutdown because you're yelling in 13 years of marriage my wife has never once yelled at me never once see no one yelled at me not and raised my voice a little bit I can't really yell but I didn't you know got firm and the voice a little bit and I tried to early on in our relationship she said don't talk to me like that I said Wow okay so that taught me something do not call names no kind of names okay you know how the n-word you know you say it well if we black with use the n-word no because that could be a weaponized word you're sorry or if you of another race and that's y'all got your own word I don't know whatever that word may be even though you could use that word people may use that word at the barbecue may use it in jest when you in an argument and you you you weaponize that word you cause an issue the other person gonna shut down the other person could feel attack it also can incite violence so never call names no type of name I mean I've never called my wife to be were never call her any Kannada yes were H were no kind of word and she's never called me out of my name not even a grown boy that's a term that I use all the time grown boy she's never called me that do not curse OOP that hit a lot of you right now because when you talking you want to be using your car you know I mean effing I'm just so effing tired you know and then I come home and you and your little friend you're on the phone with the mf'er so when you're using all these curse words it is inciting violence it is raising your temperature it's intensifying the moment but imagine how cool and calm things can be when you don't curse when you don't curse and you don't yell and you don't call names just taking those three things out your communication and you you all awake you're on another level listen to the other person listen see we listen we listen to react to respond and we're not really listening we hear but we not listening so you got a listen to your spouse to hear what he or she is saying and I remember when I said you I feel statements you gotta actually talk so to the person that you want to shut down and you want to be quiet and you won't just in know you got a mature and you gotta express yourself what are you feeling you're an adult what are you feeling you don't get to just walk off you don't get to just roll over you don't get to go to bed man what are you feeling express it if you cannot express what you're feeling then you don't need to be in a relationship because you're still a child and children are not to be in relationships but as an adult you need to express yourself and when you in if you are the one who always expressing yourself you need to learn how to express yourself correctly so you need to follow these rules sit down stop yelling stop cursing stop name-calling stop pointing the blame use I feel statement respond instead of reacting that's rule number 11 respond instead of reacting see a response is positive a reaction can be negative so when I heard the exhibit say when the doctor says your body's reacting to the medicine that's a negative thing when he said your body's responding to the medicine that's a positive thing so you have to respond what this means is you cool calm and collected your reaction what what did you say that is alive that is not true you know that's a reaction a response will be you know I hear you and I understand where you're coming from but what I would say to that is I feel like when I give you quality time you don't give me credit for it you see there when I responded like that boom now both of y'all talking like that you gonna get some stuff done you're gonna be able to handle some stuff accept responsibility for your actions this one of the things that I was bad at whenever my wife would tell me what she needed from me I would have a defense I would have something to say anything that she said I just could not be wrong I had to grow and mature to the point where I said you know what I am on my phone all the time reading comments reading emails watching videos trying to see what's up what's going on scrolling I am on my phone too much I need to put my phone down and I need to be giving you undivided attention and in the past when she would say well I just need more time from you because I'd be telling her look I need a little more lovemaking and she'd say well I need a little more quality time then my response would be well I got to work I got to work I got this you know I got to feed the family so it's different you know what I mean you don't have to get up and go to work I got to get up and work and so that was my excuse but it wasn't good enough it wasn't a good excuse because I don't have to work 24 hours a day I could do my work do this our video I got a coach two or three clients the day and that's four hours of work so I got a four hour work day majority of the time unless I got to write a book or something like that so that's 20 other hours sleeping eight of them the next twelve other hours you should I mean so I could give her quality time keep the conversation private so you one of the biggest mistakes that we make is in a relationship you taking your business to your best friend you taking your business to your mama to your daddy then they coming over with a sour grape face looking hey how are you and then your sprouts like what's going on with your friend like what's up with your mama what's up with your daddy like why did he acting like that whitey and it's because you keep running and telling that you keep running telling all the business you telling everything that your partner doing to everybody and they mama but you ain't telling what you don't want you said I'm saying you ain't telling you're part of it and then you only tell him the bad you don't run tell the good when you got your foot roll you got your head roll got it for nothing gift you got your quality time you got your words affirmation your acts of service your physical touching all lit you ain't run tell them but when you leave the toilet seat up lead a plate on the table or leave the tampon floating in the toilet you want to tell that you see what I'm saying so keep the conversation in-house take action now what that means is when y'all read and talk and y'all went through this thing that's 14 rules right there okay when y'all read and talk and it be good if y'all go through one chapter a week or one chapter day however fast you get through it and then discuss it it's gonna snow off a lot of in your relationship at the end of the conversation you got to take action meaning I heard okay I need to give quality time so the night boom Netflix and chill take accent mmediately my wife heard hey I need a little more lovemaking I'm a hundred percent faithful man I'm a hundred cents a foot to you I watched nasty movies burn I ain't dealing with Angela okay what hands are look like to do I'm a hundred percent a favor to you my fighting spirit I need some lovemaking so what I realized in communication I realized that what we need goes hand in hand she need quality time if I give her quality time that means I'm making love to her mind if I'm making love to her mind then that means that she is okay with me making love to our body but if I don't open her mind stimulate her mind give her time then her body don't want to respond because it has not been stimulated her mind has not been stimulated which is the largest sexual organ so what I realized is what I needed go hand in hand with what she needed boom next thing you know perfect relationship and I use the word perfect because perfect is what you make it so I feel like I have a perfect relationship I look to see my relationship as perfect I don't say oh we got a lot of work to do oh it's not that good oh it's okay because what you say is what you'll have so you got to change your language around the relationship so understand is put all this together alright put all this together and them communication rules go across the board you know cuz that communication that's every single day that's every day you communicated and whether that's nonverbal or whether it's verbal nonverbal communication physical touch is nonverbal communication you know the deep stare in the eyes that's nonverbal communication what your face is saying you walk around spank sour grape face that's communication you're walking around with a pleasant look that's communication so the 14 communication rule that I just gave you that can revolutionize your relationship that can repair your relationship now this is kind of separative you trying to get back together it's some other stuff that goes into that which I'll do a video on that but for this right here boom this can work for you so understand this this is what I need you to understand relationships aren't hard what I mean by this is we make it harder than it needs to be you're making it harder than it needs to be like it can be easy it can be simple you just gotta be selfless you gotta be selfless and you gotta be with somebody that's gonna reciprocate the selflessness the reason why we fail is because we're selfish you can't make a team work if you're selfish you have to be selfless and when you're selfless guess what you're seeking to understand you're looking to please every day all day you're looking to please your partner instead of just pleasing yourself but you don't have to please yourself because your partner is looking to please you and so you gotta be selfless and so think about this and really evaluate yourself and I'll be honest with you now sometimes in a relationship all the problems lie with one person you all have to be honest sometimes it's both of you sometimes both of you but a lot of times the problem lies with one person or the biggest problems like with one person so if you're that person then make changes don't sit there talking my oh you need to change too oh you got work to do to know make the changes and when you make the changes then guess what the relationships gonna change see my first two years of marriage it was painful but it was because I was being immature I wanted to be controlling I wanted to be deceptive manipulative I wanted to lie I had wandering eyes I was running on fumes of my own strength and being faithful I had to eventually turn the guard start praying for strength read my Bible you know make sure I'm hanging around men who living the same way I'm living and not men who living in another way that's another thing in a relationship you gotta check your influences if you're trying to be a faithful man but you hang with single guys or you hang with men who are not faithful today woman you gonna be not unfaithful to your woman if you trying to change your life and stop smoking stop getting drunk stop gambling stop doing with everything you hanging around guys will do that you're not gonna be able to change and vice-versa for the woman you gotta check your influences check your circle make sure that they want the same thing that you want that they trying to perfect their relationship just like you trying to perfect yours y'all gotta be on the same page and then guess what when you do that you bring things in house you love one another you're supporting one another guess what the relationship won't be hard I'm here to tell you I've been married 13 years it's beautiful I absolutely love it a lot of men can't believe that a lot of men don't believe and they think it's just all this it's a line it's for business no I'm 100% serious I absolutely love marriage I absolutely love marriage you hit me it's beautiful me and my wife don't argue because we know each other so I know if I say something that's gonna cause a little real and I I fall off I let it go she knows she say something that caused a little real and she let it go we don't exactly bait the situation we don't kill keep you know kicking a dead horse we don't keep going down a roll a daddy enrolled we take boo reverse you three point turn okay get on up out of there so that it doesn't go and then we skip real fast to the next conversation I say something that ruffle a feather and it could just be a difference of opinion it could be about politics it could be about money it could be a difference of opinion I didn't have to ask yourself is this a kingdom issue is this about a word fighting it's just a conversation worth having see a lot of times relationships break down just because of the small things you are going about a difference of opinion about how to save or spend money and you let that cause a huge rift when you gotta say okay is it is it the end of the world is it the end of the world if she won't spend this month if she won't spend fifteen hundred on the birthday party for your child and you rather spend five hundred okay they only turn that age one time it's $1,500 or $500 and you won't spend fifty whatever the number is it's like if she want to do it is it gonna kill you to do it are you gonna have to hawk everything in your garage everything in your closet the door no so let it go let it go if she make her own money she got her own money out of y'all joint account and she want to buy something that cost X amount of dollars and it makes absolutely no sense to you but that's what she wants let it go there you go if he has money and he wanna go and give him a certain car or remodel a car refurbished what have you call that restore a car and it may not make sense to you because you think them cars is ugly and stupid let it go let it go if it's not gonna cost you everything like if it's not gonna if it's not asking you if what your partner is trying to do or saying or believes is not asking you to compromise yourself love yourself respect your foundational beliefs then it's not that big of a deal it's not that big of a deal you know my wife won't spend her money on things that don't make sense to me I won't spend my money on things that don't make sense to her but we respect one another decision and say look you an adult I know you're smart so I love you I respect you I'm gonna support you now it's totally different when so right now I'm restoring me old 1979 Monte Carlo that's why I use the example my wife for the longest was against it and I said well maybe why you cool with it now she said well we in a different financial position she's had perhaps you weren't the aunt be out to account to go buy one of these ugly cars to talk about restoring it and it was gonna take every dime we got she's like we're not in that position now so that's why I'm cool with it so I'm like oh okay you write that didn't make sense for me to take and have you know six thousand dollars in the account and I want to spend five thousand on the car it didn't make sense you telling me it don't make sense to you got two thousand dollars in account that's been $1,500 on a birthday party and and you got your rent or your mortgage due the next week and no money coming in in between there you said I mean so if it's something that's foundationally ignorant doesn't make sense okay yeah you could say something about those type of situations but in the grand scheme of thing if it's not gonna make a difference if it's not really gonna affect your life change your life in a negative way affect you in a negative way then let it ride get it right because you two different people you're gonna see life differently and here's the thing there's another caveat a nuance y'all got excuse me little squeaking chair tonight this is another caveat and nuance okay is what we fail to remember in a relationship is that you two different people and you see this like your one-hour coaching session okay so four didn't cost you nothing but watching some advertisements that you could hit skill but no we fail to remember that we two different people so you gotta let your partner be who he or she is and so his example my wife told me this because I was trying to make her be more like me so we go to a soccer game and this is my wife that's our game get up you don't get up alright close it close it but dad go dad go dad watch your back watch your back watch your back okay all right get on your foot get out of it that's my wife at a soccer game this me a soccer game so she get on my nerves and I and it was a couple tiger gang I went off you have to stop all that yelling stop I know you don't only one make it on that noise stop it on the north and then one time she told me she said I don't try to change you when we go to a party of a birthday party friend and family member and you want to sit down all night I don't try to change you and make you go out on the dance floor and dance I go on the dance floor not dance by myself or with my sister or whoever my dad or whoever I don't try to make you change when we go somewhere and you don't want to speak to anybody you don't want to talk to anybody I don't try to make you be an extrovert and go up and talk to everybody I let you sit and be quiet Oh hmm she right she lets me be me so I'm like you know what I gotta let her be her not until it crossed a line so if we go on somewhere of course and I won't walk in and won't pass by people without speaking that's rude that's ignorant she will say something about that I wouldn't do that not a soccer game if she getting too loud and this guy over here another team getting loud and then I'm gonna have to hit him in the mouth which another good that's gonna give me a salt and battery that might get me arrested now I got to say look they would calm down okay because it's some pop off it's me that got to be fighting now she'll be fighting too but you know so at that point I calm down and she they had to do me like that too because I don't do much talking but if you say something like to my child night you got a prop nod you got a problem and so she didn't had to stop me from you know saying something or pulling me from the other team sideline you know side of the sideline they say calm down baby calm down but that's why I don't do no talking but I'm by that action okay so she had to she'll get me a couple times because I'm gonna get out of it get slick out the mouth I'm ready to go and so she'll hey calm down I can't cuz it's because she know you get arrested you're going to jail got a record and you trying to be a leader in the community so that's what I mean let your spouse be who they are it's not now unless it's gonna cost you unless it's gonna cost you if it's gonna cost your family in any kind of way if it could bring harm or detriment to your family you got to speak up on that but if it's just you know happy-go-lucky you know it's not gonna ruin anything really upend anything let it go let it be and see this is what you got to understand when you're loving when you're selfless when you allow your spouse to operate in their gifts to be who they are to use their mind to do what they do when you allowed that it strengthens your relationship my wife she lets me come in my home office it's my home office she let me come in here and work do my videos do my research she let me come in here and work and she don't bother me she tell my son don't bother your daddy let him work and she let me be me do what I do I let her be her and do what she do and I had to learn it because me I'm always studying something that's gonna move my life for my wife she different she liked to listen to a podcast or wasn't mom's and murder or something like that she listened to a podcast that's talking about old cases cold cases or stuff like that had nothing to do with her life you know about being a better wife being a better mom but that's just her relaxation because she already the best wife and mom she could be I guess and in my mind I mean she is so I'm like okay well she's got to get better for and then she don't have to pour out of her every day like I do I'm speaking every day our video a day or to earn a posting online posting quotes online so I got to be feed my spirit you know in a certain way she'll read a fiction book I've never read a fiction book in my life if I'm gonna read a book it's going to be a nonfiction book that's gonna add to my life well guess what I had to learn that her fiction books as to her life because although I don't teach her nothing it helps her cool off calm down resent her refocus because her role and what she does she may feel it can get monotonous it could get monotonous and so that's what she does relax what I do can get monotonous so I have relaxed and stuff that I do do it with them so that's what I mean understand that you're two different people and stop trying to change your partner and pick up their slack where you can pick up their slack you know and don't nitpick about everything you literally arguing about a plate left on the table toilet seat left up tampon left in the in the garbage not wrapped up in tissue or floating in the toilet you know you literally arguing about something left on a dish that wasn't washed properly like you making a point about stuff that does not matter like make a point about driving 95 miles an hour and risking your life that's a point worth making make a point about getting drunk getting high gambling make a point about things that actually matter watching nasty movies make a point about something that matters that will negatively impact your relationship but the toilet seat being left up or the tampon being left floating that's not going to negatively impact your relationship in the grand scheme of things you see what I mean so understand what are you arguing about what are you mad about why are you having riffs and disagreements about the way the president part of his hair or a spray tan you know like what are we arguing about so I want you to think about this and really ask yourself every day and every conversation does this really matter is this about a worth fighting is this adding to the relationship you know my wife want to sit down and talk to me about beauty bloggers I want to sit out and talk to her about business so we literally go back and forth so yeah this right here happen in the business then she said yeah so I was watching this blogger and that's what she did look at this post and we are two different planets right they said Mars and Venus and I'm on Marcy on Venus and that's our conversation I'm talking about business she'd give me feedback she talking about beauty bloggers I'm giving a feedback that my wife you know her life is totally different than mine so I got to realize like I you know we in a position that she don't have to stress and worry about money and making it because I'm the entrepreneur and she my support system she helped run the company she had run the businesses she helped manage you know all the influx and all of that but it's my gifting to come up with the business model with the ideas with the ways that our household earns and then she asked her input to it so that stresses on me so when we sit down you know she'll talk about that with me however long I want to talk about it what I had to learn is that her life is different so she may be looking at stuff for the house CEO of home managing things and so I got to be interested in what she's interested in because she takes the time to be interested in what I'm interested in and me coming to that understanding I realized that 90% of the work needed to be done about me that I was the probably I was the Toxic one I was the broken one I was the lost one I was a confused one you said I mean I had to make the changes so that's why I'm saying sometimes it might just be sitting with one person then the other person may need to reciprocate or it might be sitting with both of y'all 50/50 and y'all got to be honest about that and get to that point hey this for the couples if you single watch this when you get into your next relationship with a person you win this will help you god bless you oh I see I'm gonna have to dye my beer here y'all don't down got no food and a beer that's all oh great idea god bless y'all we'll talk soon

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 37,545

Rating: 4.9574642 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: E6Ia9-2nREc

Length: 50min 45sec (3045 seconds)

Published: Mon May 04 2020