George Carlin - Death Penalty

the same way we made up the death penalty we made them both up sanctity of life and the death penalty aren't we versatile and you know in this country now there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers this is really stupid drug dealers aren't afraid to die they're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds drive-bys gang shootings they're not afraid to die death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die like the bankers who launder the drug money the bankers who launder the drug money forget the dealers you want to slow down that drug traffic you got to start executing a few of these [ __ ] bankers white middle-class republican bankers i'm not talking i'm not talking about soft american executions like lethal injection i'm talking about [ __ ] crucifixion folks let's bring back crucifixions a form of capital punishment the christians and jews of america can really appreciate and i'd go a little further i'd crucify people upside down like saint peter feet up head down and naked i'd have naked upside down crucifixions on tv once a week at halftime of the monday night football game the monday night crucifixions you'd have people tuning in don't even care about football wouldn't you like to hear dan deardorff explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle and i'll guarantee you one thing you start executing you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national tv you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty [ __ ] quick pretty [ __ ] quick you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore now i don't care about capital punishment one way or another because i know it doesn't do anything it doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy a kind of biblical need for revenge you know if you read the bible you see that it's full of retribution and revenge so really capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual it's a purification right so it's a modern sacrament and as long as that's true i say let's liven it up a little i honestly believe if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid [ __ ] budget that's the stupid [ __ ] budget and don't forget the polls show the american people want capital punishment and they want a balanced budget and i think even in a fake democracy people ought to get what they want once in a while just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being [ __ ] by the upper one percent now unfortunately unfortunately monday night football doesn't last long enough what we really need is year-round capital punishment on tv every night with sponsors gotta have sponsors i'm sure as long as we're killing people marlboro cigarettes and dow chemical will be proud to participate proud to participate balance the stupid [ __ ] budget and and let me say this to you my interesting judeo-christian friends not only not only do i recommend crucifixions i'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings on tv slow motion instant replay and maybe you can let the heads roll down a little hill and fall into one of five numbered holes let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into and you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too raise a little more money and if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials instead of using an axe you do the beheadings with a handsaw hey don't bail out on me now goddammit the blood is already on our hands all we're talking about is a matter of degree you want something a little more delicate we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork that would be nice and it would take a good god damn long time there's a lot of good things we could be doing when's the last time we burned someone at the stake it's been too long here's another form of capital punishment comes out of a nice rich religious tradition burning people at the stake sponsor bridgeford charcoal and you put it on tv on sunday mornings the sunday morning evangelicals send us an offering praise jesus human bonfire you don't think that would get big ratings in this sick [ __ ] country [ __ ] you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff and you take the money they send in in the offerings and you use it to balance the budget what about boiling people in oil boy those were the days weren't they you get the oil going real good you know a nice high rolling boil and then slowly at the end of a rope you lower the perpetrator head first into the boiling oil you talk about fun [ __ ] and just to encourage citizen participation you let the mob in the stadium control the speed of the road good clean wholesome family entertainment the kids will love it the kids will love it and at the same time they're enjoying themselves we're teaching them a nice christian moral lesson boiling people in oil sponsor crisco and maybe maybe instead of boiling all these guys every now and then you can french fry a couple of them you know french fried felons dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know kind of a tempura thing huh jeffrey dahmer never thought of this yet did he jeffrey dahmer eat your heart out which is an interesting thought in and of itself all right enough nostalgia what about some modern forms of capital punishment how about we throw a guy off the world trade center and whoever he lands on wins the publisher's clearing house okay something a little more sophisticated you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock them in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust there's one guy's not going to be [ __ ] with too many kids at the bus stop for a while here's something really nice you could do you shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult right into a brick wall trouble is it would be over too quick it's no good for tv you know you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row rapid fire capital punishment 15 catapults while you're shooting off one you're loading up the others of course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall cleanliness right next to godliness all right high tech i sense some of yours are waiting for high tech i got it you take a small tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's ass a thermonuclear suppository preparation h-bomb you talk about fallout huh or you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick you know yeah a bomb in the deck when it goes off the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going get out of here i got you hey listen

Channel: Seleucid9

Views: 10,879,921

Rating: 4.8346658 out of 5

Keywords: Geroge Carlin, Comedy, Death Penalty

Id: qDO6HV6xTmI

Length: 8min 37sec (517 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 23 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/sassi-squatch]

Carlin is sorely missed.

[u/Pervy_sage_zero]

I love this guy