All My Stuff - George Carlin (Audio Only)

trouble is trying to decide what to call these words Mandar trying to decide what to call this whole thing you know what are these words that I'm talking about they're just words that we've decided sort of decided not to use all the time that's about the only thing you can really say about them for sure that they're just some words not many either just a few that we've decided well we won't use them all the time sometimes well hell yeah sometimes it's okay but not all the time that's and they're the only words that seem to have that restriction I mean there are a lot of words you can say whenever you want you know pneumonia nobody gives you a letter all right you can't yell it in the hospital a great deal but what the hell there are words that you can say no problem typography no one has ever gone to jail for screaming typography but there are some words that you can go to jail for there are some words that we just have decided we will not say all the time sometimes okay if you're running through the jungle chasing somebody that we're at war with you can holler em if you're shooting a criminal it's okay it's the all-american thing dirty [ __ ] crook but if you're with the Bishop's wife at lunch it's better enough to ask for the goddamn lettuce you know what I mean it's just like we've decided there be some whereas we won't say all the time and I was just trying to find out which words they were for sure all of them I wanted a list cuz nobody gives you a list that's the problem they don't give you a list wouldn't you think it'd be normal if they didn't want you to say something I tell you what it is nobody even tells you when you're a kid what the words are that you're supposed to avoid you have to say them to find out which ones they are [ __ ] [ __ ] that's two oh ma that's enough trial and error please ma give me a list huh all right you're six years old now and here's the list of words your dad and I don't ever want to hear you say oh hey thanks MA boy that's gonna save me an ass-kicking her too yeah you never know what's gonna be on the list cuz it's always somebody else's list you didn't make that up somebody told you that [ __ ] they told you better we do not say that so you gonna and you don't know what's gonna be on their list God people's lists even change from day to day some people on Friday night got a list you know no about two or three words Sunday morning goddamn they make 27 words these are the same people two days later different list so you gotta kind of watch out what you're gonna believe from the trouble is I was trying to find out what these words might be and I wanted to know the ones that you could never say on television I mean the filthy words that are always filthy there are a lot of these little two-way double on toned words that have two meanings words that there's okay part of the time I call them like part-time filth some of these words there are only 50% dirty you have words like ass ass was hardly even a dirty word anymore but it has a few meanings that you can't say on television that's what I was talking about what can you say on television that's another one of those places where we can't use these words all the time but some of them are all right some of the time ass is all right on television you can say on television things like well you've made a perfect ass of yourself tonight but you can't say hey let's go get some ass [ __ ] [ __ ] is another word like that same kind of word it's the only dirty part of the time depends on what you mean by [ __ ] you might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo visiting one of the tonight shows and you might just have a bunch of little canines with you there one of them is a female you see there's the [ __ ] Johnny and it's okay fine just don't refer to the singer the same way that's that [ __ ] gonna do another number yes animals are fine on those two-way words and that's it that's what I was trying to find the words that were always dirty not just part of the time but completely filth well in in looking for these words I kept finding new categories we have so many ways of describing these dirty words it's well we have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words that seems a little strange to me it seems indicate that somebody was awfully interested in these words they kept referring to them they call them bad word dirty filthy foul by bug course in poor taste unseemly street talk gotta talk locker room language barracks talk body naughty saucy raunchy rude crude lewd lascivious indecent profane obscene blue off-color risque suggestive Kherson cussing swearing and all I could think of was [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and kids that was my original issue I knew it wasn't complete but it was a starter set [ __ ] piss [ __ ] yes WBAI is the one who played them [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and tits now that was the original list we've added a few words since then we've added fart turd and [ __ ] and I know there are some other words that many of you are wondering about why they haven't been considered why they haven't shown up on the list thus far we're looking at them all very closely some of your favorites might make the list this year [ __ ] ball bag hard-on piss hard blue balls paint rookie snatch box [ __ ] pecker pecker head pecker tracks jism joint Donecker dork poontang cornhole and dingleberry jingo very a very popular word and to my way of thinking dingleberry a rather innocent sounding or a dingleberry sounds Christmasy to me let's put one on the tree dad I would have been out here a little bit sooner but they gave me the wrong dressing room and I couldn't find any place to put my stuff and I don't know how you are but I need a place to put my stuff so that's what I've been doing back there just trying to find a place from us but you know how important that is that's the whole that's the whole meaning of life isn't it trying to find a place for your stuff that's all your house is your house is just a place for your stuff if you didn't have so much goddamn stuff you wouldn't need a house you could just walk around all the time that's all your house is it's a pile of stuff with a cover on it you see that when you take off in an airplane and you look down and you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff everybody's got their own pile of stuff and when you leave your stuff you got to lock it up wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff they always take the good stuff they don't bother with that crap you're saving ain't nobody interested in your fourth grade arithmetic papers they're looking for the good stuff that's all your house is it's a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff now sometimes sometimes you've got to move you gotta get a bigger house why too much stuff you've got to move all your stuff and maybe put some your stuff in storage imagine that there's a whole industry based on keeping an eye on your stuff enough about your stuff let's talk about other people's stuff did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house you never quite feel a hundred percent at home you know why no room for your stuff somebody else's stuff is all over the place and what awful stuff it is where did they get this stuff and if you have to stay overnight at someone's house you know unexpectedly and they give you a little room to sleep in that they don't use that often someone died in at eleven years ago and they haven't moved any of his stuff or wherever they give you to sleep usually right near the bed there's a dresser and there's never any room on the dresser for your stuff someone else's [ __ ] is on the dresser have you noticed that their stuff is [ __ ] and your [ __ ] is stuff now sometimes you go on vacation you gotta bring some new stuff with you you can't bring all your stuff just the stuff you really like the stuff that fits you well that month let's say you're gonna go to Honolulu you're gonna go all the way to Honolulu you gotta take two big bags of stuff flush your carry-on stuff plus the stuff in your pockets you get all the way to Honolulu when you get in your hotel room and you start to put away your stuff that's the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff put some stuff in here put some stuff down there here's another place to me stuff here I'll put some stuff over there you put your stuff over there I'm putting my stuff over here here's another place and stuff for hey we got more places than we've got stuff we're gonna have to buy more stuff and you put all your stuff away and you know that you're thousands of miles from home and you don't quite feel at ease but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you and you relax in Honolulu on that basis that's when your friend from Maui calls and since a why don't you come over to Maui for the weekend spend a couple of nights over here oh [ __ ] mom now what stuff do you bring right you've got to bring an even smaller version of your stuff just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui and you get over and you're really spread out now you've got [ __ ] all over the world you've got stuff at home stuffing storage stuff in Honolulu stuff and Maui stuff in your pocket supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain but you get over to your friend's house in Maui and they give you a little place to sleep in as a little window ledge or some kind of a small shelf and there's not much room on it but it's okay cause you don't have much stuff now and you put what stuff you do have up there you put your imported French toenail clippers your odor-eaters with a 45 day guarantee your cinnamon-flavored dental floss and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray and you know you're a long way from home you know that you must be okay because you do have your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray and you relax in Maui on that basis that's when your friend says hey I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island stay at my friend's house overnight oh no what do you bring now you just bring the things you know you're gonna need money keys comb wallet lighter hankie pens cigarettes contraceptives Vaseline whips chains whistles dildos in a book this is just plain old words that are sort of fun to think of or look at more closely than usual things like hot water heater fever you thought of hot water heaters pardon me I said I like to buy a hot water heater what the hell for hot water doesn't need to be heated you must want a cold warrior how about a hot water cooler yeah somewhere it's a fun where it's like flammable flammable inflammable and none inflammable why are the three this seemed you as though two words ought to be able to handle that idea I mean either the thing flam's or it doesn't fly now flammable flammable that's the one that's on the side of the truck flammable as if you're gonna get out of your car at 60 miles an hour and smoke on his charm flamable I found out the reason it says that on the truck is so that just in case you should be spinning out of control 70 or 80 heading for the truck you'll know what it was that happened you like to talk a little bit about baseball and football starting with baseball baseball is different from any other sport in a lot of different little ways for instance in most sports you score points or you score goals in baseball his score runs in most sports the ball or the object is put in play by the offensive team in baseball the defense puts the ball in play and only the defensive team is allowed to touch the ball in fact in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally he's out also most sports the team is run by a coach in baseball the team is run by a manager and only in baseball does the manager or the coach have to wear the same uniform the players do can you picture Bill Parcells in his New York Giants uniform now baseball and football are different from one another in other kind of interesting ways I think first of all baseball is a 19th century pastoral game football is a 20th century technological struggle baseball is played on a diamond in a park the baseball park football is played on a gridiron in a stadium sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium baseball begins in the spring the season of New Life football begins in the fall when everything is dying in football you wear a helmet in baseball you wear a cap football is concerned with downs what down is it baseball is concerned with ops who's up are you up I'm not up he's up in football the specialist comes in to kick in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve someone in football you receive a penalty in baseball you make an error whoops football has hitting clipping spearing blocking piling on late hitting unnecessary roughness and personal fouls baseball has the sacrifice football is played in any kind of weather rain sleet snow hail mud can't read the numbers on the field can't read the yard markers can't read the players numbers the struggle will continue in baseball if it rains we don't come out to play I can't come out to play it's raining out baseball has a seventh-inning stretch football has the two-minute warning baseball has no time limit we don't know when it's gonna end we might have extra innings football is rigidly timed and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death in baseball during the game in the stands there's kind of a picnic feeling emotions may run high or low but there's not that much unpleasantness in football in the stands during the game you can be sure that at least 27 times you were perfectly capable of taking a life of a fellow human being preferably a stranger and finally the objectives of the two games are totally different in football the object is for the quarterback otherwise known as the field general to be on target with his aerial assault riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the Blitz even if he has to use the shotgun with short bullet passes and long bombs he marches his troops into enemy territory balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line in baseball the object is to go home and to be safe I hope I'll be safe at home it was happening que pasa ok what you call your puzzle al sleet hippie dippie weatherman with all the hippie-dippie weather mmm brought to you by Parsons pest control do you have termites water bugs and roaches well Parsons will help you get rid of the termites water bugs and help you smoke the roaches temperature at the airport is 88 degrees which is stupid man because I don't know anybody who lives at the airport now if you'll take a look at our national weather map you'll see that we don't have one so try to picture last night's map in your mind remember all the letters and lines all them little numbers weather's dominated by a large Canadian law which is not to be confused with a Mexican hi tonight's forecast dark continued dark tonight turning to partly light in the morning Oh al al got out of the weather business when he realized he had given the final weather forecast he had given the ultimate forecast there was nowhere to go you know when there's nothing left to conquer in your field hey it's time to leave and allow had given the ultimate forecast he told us he said one night that the weather will continue to change on and off for a long long time and he was gone for what god bless out I love that dog I've never seen him when I love him he's gonna be wonderful when I meet that dog lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies and you don't even have to have one to learn about doggies your friend might have a dog it could be your friend's dog he's makes you him that makes him your dog friend you go to visit your friends as doggies and you tell him to hi hello how are you sneezy you're wonderful hello god damn and for that moment you your dog so you can have someone else's dog for a while hi Lassie Laxmi I think oh my God look at this doggy here cut them doggies lots of things to know about them - lots of things you learned you don't know we're always and you can't remember Frances can you remember the first time you found out that by scratching the dog here you could make this leg over there and if you could make it stop when you stop damn I'm in complete control of this dog well that you can make their head tilt from across the room just by making a funny noise you go he goes oh look honey isn't he cute let's get his head fixed so he stays like that Jeffers spell in front of your dog some of them are smart you got a spell honey do we have any more do NES people they know the sound to be alone be bonobos it sooner or later what's going to happen with the little dog sooner or later lying on the bed he's going to create an incident he's going to make one of you humans turn to the other and say honey did you find not me I thought you farted not E that's not even one of my farts I've got four thoughts and that's not one of mine I've got my Heineken spot I got my broccoli fought my rice pudding fought and my non-dairy creamer fought that's not one of my thoughts hey no the dog fought it Jimmy why did you fight look at him he knows he flatted I've seen his [ __ ] open up I see well I happen to be looking at his [ __ ] by chance what kind of a question is that I thought he was doing them deep breathing exercise see dogs have nothing to do there's no job description for a dog they're forced to wait for something to happen that they can get in on if you do something they'll be glad to join you rarely initiate any activity on their own it's just waiting waiting waiting and waiting and waiting waiting to come in waiting to go out waiting to eat waiting the crap waiting to wake up witness leeway new upstairs way to go downstair sometimes they're just waiting to wait kissing the dog just and you don't know what he's waiting for but if it happens he'll be ready just a waiting anyway waiting for you to come home they don't understand time dog doesn't know the difference between an hour and a half or next week he thinks you're going to be gone forever that's the only time period dogs really understand forever that's how long they think everything lasts that's how long I think everything takes forever and ever just crash your dog behind the ears oh boy I loved Anna oh boy you're scratching you don't leave you honey years and he really doesn't then you look at nighttime and everything and when you finally stop he looks at you like you're a criminal he thought it was gonna go on and uh same thing when you feed them soon as they get finished they say where the [ __ ] the food they thought it was the loaves and the fishes it was gonna last forever another dog no no they must think we're gonna be gone forever otherwise why would they act the way they do when we finally get home oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy I thought you knew everything about others you're never gonna come home how's that you never gonna give all the food I'm gonna come home - do you know what I don't have a picture can opener how do you operate you can't open it I didn't know what to do man what do you push it down didn't think you know what you know what I did I took a can of coffee down the hill and hope the truck over I mean they'll do that if you even just forgot your hat you come back in eight seconds Oh sweetie bird I couldn't find the bird where the [ __ ] the bird and you needn't worry we stopped I was just here God don't care he'd do whatever is next he don't know what's next but he'll do something they'll do two things in a row that don't go together give us seen a dog walking through a room and suddenly he stops and chooses back for 18 minutes and then when he's finished chewing as if it were scheduled for right then how many's finished he doesn't even know where it was he was going to go go oh [ __ ] I think I'll go over here oh this is nice over here I think I'll keep coming over here he'd give you that doggy look give you them eyes you know they have such a great expression almost human sometimes we say that isn't it looking looks almost human then they do you know they look like they know something about your mother not willing to mention it right away this is looking at you like they got a trig problem they can't quite solve there's a there's a sad look in their eyes all the sadness in the world is right in the eyes of a dog chipper do this look right into your doggies eyes and think of something really sad and it looked like it's happening to your dog Changez thing is look at you like that you know why they have so successful look because they got eyebrows dogs have eyebrows or at least little ridges that pass for eyebrows they got little things that they can manipulate just like we do oh please please daddy one more treat cats can't look at you like that cats don't look at that cats look at your cold Liz if they're testing new eyes region cats look different cats don't have eyebrows cats have a bunch of [ __ ] sticking out of their head they thought it was going to be an eyebrow but it didn't work out let's not tell them they think it's an eyebrow it's just a bunch of [ __ ] sticking out of their heads cats are cute got some goddamn cute didn't he killed look at him God he's cute he's a kitty cat that's how cute they are they needed two names kitty wasn't cute enough kitty cat any cute the kitty can't look at him in the cute let's drown here you goddamn kitty get any love stick him on the wall see if it hangs up that law man kitty cat they're so goddamn cute are they wonderful God love them they're so physical that's what's fun they're so physical they love the rub Anya they love to rub Anya if you've got a leg and a cat you got a party boy they love us and I go boy I'm rubbing on his leg oh boy oh boy if you got two legs [ __ ] jubilee celebration time oh boy two legs hot [ __ ] I can do the figure eight they love to do the figure eight oh boy oh boy oh boy I love to rub on his leg they'll rub against your leg even if you're not there yet you might still be 50 feet down the hall they see you coming oh boy oh boy oh boy soon I'll be rubbing on his leg soon he'll even walk sideways so they don't miss you oh boy oh boy they love it it's so physical you don't have to pet a cat you just put your hand over them he'll do all the work you pet him live a pedicab who's lying absolutely flat and before you're halfway finished his ass is way up in the air like you trust the ass botanist on isn't he a cute little holy [ __ ] how did he do that then they jump on your chest and put their ass right in your face here's my ass dad check this ass huh and while they're showing you their ass they give you some of this stuff let's say get him off of me Jesus I hate that I don't even know what it is and I don't like look like there's some bad drug one other quality cats have which I admire cats don't accept blame they don't embarrass at all kept us something dumb you'd never know it by looking at him dog knocks over a lamp you can tell who did it just by looking at the dog not the cat cat doesn't accept any blame cat moves along to the next activity what's that not me [ __ ] that I'm a cat something break ask the dog that doesn't get embarrassed you've seen a cat race across a carpet and crash into a glass door I meant that I meant that I meant that that's exactly how I wanted that to look [ __ ] me out bargain meal for the meal article say when they get behind the couch cats too proud to let you see him suffer if you look behind the couch and you'll find your cat recuperating from a domestic accident took a little slings and walkers you know tried to make the window from the lamb if you use vitamins most good vitamins don't have a trade name stamped on them they're blank pills they look like vitamins but they're not marked and if you go on the road and you take a lot of vitamins with you enough for like two weeks you might put them in another big vial unmarked and now you've got an unmarked vial with unmarked pills in it as you're going through some little place maybe where the cops got a heart on that day and he wants to give you a little trouble to delete you can hold you for a while while they Shanley's thing to doubt into the lab and off your vitamins go and that's why I I always travel with Flintstone vitamins so the words as I say [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits fart turd and [ __ ] now [ __ ] came off the list immediately the first day in fact had a call from an English language purist some guy how did he hide the talk you know he got on the phone he tells me I have a duplicate on me let's have a duplication he says [ __ ] is a duplication of the word [ __ ] technically because [ __ ] is the root form [ __ ] being derivative therefore it constitutes duplication I said hey [ __ ] how did you get my phone number anyway I said look man it may be derivative but you still can't say it still can't say [ __ ] on TV Kenya you said no but you can't say [ __ ] II [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Rooney or [ __ ] no either well I said yeah that would crowd up my lists I'm off so I just struck that [ __ ] or we struck it from the list [ __ ] was gone now the list was [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits does it sound like something's missing this sound like an old friend is gone [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits remember the old rhythm [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits [ __ ] [ __ ] tits [ __ ] [ __ ] tits [ __ ] [ __ ] tits now [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits it falls apart it isn't going anywhere and by now [ __ ] is the dominant word on the list previously with [ __ ] on the list [ __ ] was somewhat balanced down they were the only multi syllabic words on the list but now [ __ ] stands alone [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits and who knows maybe it doesn't belong either after all [ __ ] turned out to be a ringer let's take a look at [ __ ] see if this one belongs we'll divide the word [ __ ] and sucker from each other those words sucker isn't dirty sucker that's it's suggestive as hell but it isn't dirty and [ __ ] that's not dirty all the time that's one of those words that's only partly filthy [ __ ] if you're talking about the animal it's perfectly all right they used to read that to us from the Bible in third grade and we would laugh [ __ ] is in the Bible remember the first time you heard about a [ __ ] fight what no even the word [ __ ] itself has been twisted out of all of its original meaning it's been distorted for some reason now [ __ ] is bad man it's a good woman how did they do that well chits is on the end of the list [ __ ] piss [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] tits and you know it doesn't belong on that list I mean it really doesn't belong in with that kind of heavyweight filth tits isn't dirty kids his cute name you'd think you'd idea great fun good name tits hey tits sounds like a friend that sounds like a nickname doesn't it eight this come here hey tits I want you to meet hoods since this is touch klutz tits tits cute word nice word I love a word that spells the same forwards and backwards liked it don't you think it's a cute when a word is spelled the same forwards and backwards I always wished my name was otto this so I could walk backwards and yell my name you know Omo Omo Omo well I had strange dreams but the word kid is on the list because you can't say it on television you can't say tit magic I can't say tits you can say boobs boobs spelled the same forwards in back mister boobs is alright you can't say tits but you can say boobs in fact boobs is an answer now in match game I had boobs gene Foods $200 tits $200 fine maybe you can't say tits you can say teats cheats is alright providing your honor at 5:00 in the morning and a cow is your guest but you can't say jugs and you can't say knockers you know that's right Danny well on the cows nachos right got a knocker in each hand attaboy now alternate knockers good deal can't say that tits tits sounds like a snack you know well I know what you're thinking but it sounds almost it sounds Nabisco to me it sounds like Nabisco has has reserved that name because tits sounds like a thing at a party pass the tits would you be say those things are responding well ship is [ __ ] toxic [ __ ] tits fart turd and [ __ ] fart fart is liked it it's one of those nut words it isn't that harmful you know I sees a cute kind of thing Farwell farts can be a little harmful it depends on who's cooking but mart fart is a cool a kids know farts are okay kids know farts are fun farts are [ __ ] without the mess same twenty sound same vile smell no fuss no muss fart is an interesting word in this respect talking about television fart is extremely interesting because digg'd is you can't say fart on television we know that you can't say fart and you can't say [ __ ] either on television however you can refer to [ __ ] you can talk about [ __ ] they do that all the time some of the times the show you're watching two people are probably [ __ ] in the other room carving is all right [ __ ] as part of the plot a lot of plots are based on [ __ ] will they [ __ ] should they [ __ ] have they [ __ ] did this but will they [ __ ] again will they get sick from [ __ ] are they [ __ ] too much will they [ __ ] each other's friends will they have a baby from [ __ ] will they be sorry they [ __ ] will it be glad they buy all [ __ ] stories every honeymoon joke is a [ __ ] joke I've never noticed it otherwise the people wouldn't be on their honeymoon of the job they'd be night so they be sailors or something they're on their honeymoon gotta be a [ __ ] joke every little every news I'm sorry every quizmaster has stood there with his newlywed couple and said and I understand you folks are on your honeymoon lots of [ __ ] argon here lots of [ __ ] away so they talk about [ __ ] all they want they just don't call it that you don't call it what it is they call it other things they call it making love which is fine they call it going to bed with someone having an affair sleeping together but they don't call it [ __ ] on the other hand fart not only is fart a word you can't use on television but they never even refer to them that's how bad farts are compared to [ __ ] they don't even refer to fights there are no farts on television you've never seen a reference to a fart I've never seen a fart reference know wouldn't you think that by now one guy would hang on hmm you think by now the one guy on the Johnny Carson panel just once would have said hey Edie move down that was a Clydesdale farted give me the lighter will you Johnny well jeez that next time you're sick you ought to see the nurse you know god it's not the smell so much it's the burning of my eyes well might we might live to see that you never know remember when you're a kid maybe you're a little boy child like me out on short pants maybe sitting in church sitting on a wooden bench in church in the middle of the summer with short pants oh you got a fog you know and it's up to you you got to work out a little maneuver that's called the one cheek sneak right in tune with the organ that's why they call them pews you know you ever notice that your own fart smell okay so that's fairly decent I think I'll stay home today do some reading in the closet now I mentioned the three extra words fart turd and [ __ ] turret is another word you can't say on television turd but you know when you get right down to it who wants to say it I don't even care if I ever hear that one again [ __ ] [ __ ] is on the list for the same reason it doesn't mean anything else you know it only has that one meaning [ __ ] [ __ ] and that's that it's not like prick prick is one of those part-time dirty words prick is all right you can say prick on television you can say I pricked my finger just don't say you fingered your prick how does a dog might just embarrass you if it gets the chance let's go out to the front of your house out to the living room and you're there now with your doggies they're course and you have some friends in some neighbors over sitting around the coffee table and chitchat you know talking to each other you brought your Pepsi down but [ __ ] them let them get their own Doritos I'm not here to feed the neighborhood and everybody sitting around in the dog is licking his balls and nobody mentions in spectacular thing going on there if I could reach I'd never leave the house man they don't even mention it they say things like isn't he cute he's taking up air he appears to be licking his balls to me Maude yeah he's been on that one spot for over an hour that's a mighty selective bath no no no no nice doggy no no nice doggy no no no no no no no nice doggy no no no don't you know they have the cleanest mouth of any animal I'm just going by where he's been honey I am NOT a chemist I don't have a nice day anymore I don't bother much with that I think I'm beyond that now I think I've outgrown the nice day I think I've had my share why should I be hogging all the really nice ones but somebody else have a few of course everybody still wants me to have one everybody wants me to have a nice day have a nice day yeah yeah yeah want to give me my [ __ ] change please I'm triple pop some of them are really insistent I said have a nice day all right I got that all right I'll give it a shot that's the trouble with have a nice day it puts all the pressure on you now you've got to go out and somehow manage to have a good time all because of some loose-lipped cashier have a nice day maybe I don't feel like having a nice day maybe just maybe I've had 116 nice days in a row and I'm ready by God for a crappy day I'll never hear that let him wish one of them hey have a crappy day fight if you ng a wonderful family as well crappy day hey that it'd be easy is no trouble at all a crappy day just get up there's no planning involved for a crappy day I know what it is about was me about that whole thing it's the word nice it's just a weak word doesn't have a lot of character you know nice isn't he nice oh he is so nice and she's nice too isn't that nice how nice they are don't care for that you know it's like fine there's another word how are you fine [ __ ] fine hair is fine how's your hair fine that makes a lot more sense to me some guys are great give me those guys great isn't this great goddamn this is great look they're gonna kill that yeah in that break that's right no not me I'm not nice I'm not fine I'm not great people ask me how I am I say I'm fairly decent don't give them any superlatives nothing to gossip about relatively okay sometimes I'll say I'm moderately neato I'm in a particularly jaunty mood I'll say I'm not on well thank you that pisses them off because they have to figure that one out for themselves so reminds me of something my first-grade teacher used to say to me little lady she's to say you show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a [ __ ] from Guatemala someone else that was someone else sometimes I go like this but then I stop this has been one of those times this this next piece of material is on a subject that most people can identify with it's about losing things you know I don't like to lose anything I don't like that rules to me because where is it see basically that's the part that bothers me the most I'm a practical guy wear it I just had it you know that feeling it was just here where is it I don't know it's gone that's - it's lost I know where could it be could be anywhere maybe he'll come back maybe but not Jenn it's gone that's true are we gonna go through this [ __ ] again where do these things go and their loss there are some things I don't even care if I ever get them back I just want to know where the [ __ ] they went and losing things is one of those things in life that's even worse when you're a child much worse to lose something when you're a child because people get on you for it you know it's double jeopardy not only is the item gun but you are catching [ __ ] from up here you what I lost my yo-yo where'd you have it laughs hey if I knew that I would still have my yo-yo but it must be somewhere right it just didn't get up and walk away that were always got to me it just didn't get up and walk away one time I lost the cat it just got up and walked away then she actually started to say it well it just didn't get up at hey my did you figure this one up where do things go in their loss you know I think I think there's a big pile of things somewhere I think there's a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost you lose something it goes to the pile then you say oh look there it is right back from the pile and you didn't even know there was a part and where is the pile in heaven of course has to be in heaven that's the first thing that happens when you get to heaven they give you back everything you ever lost that's the whole meaning of heaven you get back everything here 79 pairs of sunglasses 212 cigarette lighters 4983 ballpoint pens and here's a jockstrap we found on the Golden State freeway it appeals to have mule hoof prints and chocolate sprinkles on it must have been quite an evening yes you get back everything you get back every well not everything you don't get the big things back good judgment that never comes back your tonsils your appendix they keep those for display purposes virginity you don't get that back cause you were in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place but you do get all your wallets you get back every wallet you have a loss no cash it's just like Earth they keep the money as a prayer offering speaking of heaven you know what else they have in heaven they've got a special room for every balloon that ever got away yeah next time you see a balloon drifting off by itself relax sure that would be with its friends in the balloon room off the main hall in West heaven and that makes me happy you know why because I'm a balloon guy I am I don't mind admitting it right in public I'm a balloon guy I love a balloon you know what I say I say give me a balloon sometimes I say it loud most people don't pay any attention to me let's get back to losing things have you noticed some people when they lose something the first thing they say is it was stolen that's their first reaction who's stolen it's an ego defense they can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something had to have been stolen even if it's something that nobody would really want hey hey who stole my collection of use bandages and they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine Jim I noticed this when you've lost something that the longer you look for it the strange of the places get that you're looking you look at the strangest goddamn places after a while you have to why you've already looked in the easy places those are the first places we look the obvious places people say which are the well I've looked everywhere well apparently not god damn thing is still gone isn't it let's keep looking in obvious places I look in the furnace you check the cesspool you look in the strangest places you ever look in the freezer for your car keys you have to why they might be in there you wouldn't want to pass up a nice obvious place like a freezer would ya you can picture them in there that's you can see them in there you left what the mind is for picturing where you left your car keys you can believe anything you can follow the logic all the way back to the supermarket I came out of the supermarket I had the frozen banana guacamole in my hand I drove home got out of the car with team banana guacamole in my hand I had my peas in his hand I put the banana guacamole in the freezer I probably just dropped the keys in there too let's go take a look at her [ __ ] they're not in there I could have sworn I left those peas in the freezer and hey who stole the banana guacamole you're looking a strangers Guardian places do you ever find yourself looking in a suit you haven't worn in 10 years for something you just had 20 minutes ago you have to why 6 more pockets wouldn't want to pass about what yeah or else you wouldn't be able to say I've looked everywhere by the way while you're in the closet check the watch pocket of your grandfather's World War 1 uniform you just might have had it in the keys before the Battle of Verdun here's another thing happens when you're looking for something ever notice that you'll be looking for something you might be out in the garage and every now and then you'll go back and look where the thing ought to be you like from the garage you'll walk back and look in the top drawer nope not back yet you're convinced that st. Anthony will bring those ease back while you're in the goddamn garage and of course if you're looking for car keys your pocket is one place where you have to look at least six or seven hundred times you wear out a cloth in your pocket watches I don't know right here you know what I usually usually I put them in here see I got a car I haven't lowered so you know then I don't know usually seen a hoarder wait wait no but maybe I'd sneak up on them or they're not in there you know hold on I would but maybe they style upwards maybe they fell upward and stuck is a bubblegum hold on maybe for the first time in my life I dropped them down near my balls no no no well your imagination runs away with you well those are easy things car keys those are common sometimes it's an unusual item that's missing like the couch never come home in the goddamn couch is gone where's the couch I don't know it's gone that's true where could it be put me anywhere maybe it'll come back maybe but know that there's too big nothing over 6-feet ever comes back on its own well it was here this morning but of course it was here this morning there'd be no sense in mentioning the fact that it isn't here now unless it had been here this morning [ __ ] you I'm tired of your chair don't you take your logic and go to bed I can't why not I sleep on the couch jeffer at home when you go to make a sandwich you reach down past the first two or three pieces of bread to get the good bread it's sort of a survival thing uh so you know it's sort of like what my family have the rotten bread I'll take care of numero uno when we go into the healthy part of the loaf sometimes you're going down into the loaf not so much because of freshness or mold but because of the size of the piece of bread you are as we all know the fat slices are somewhere near the middle and down you go and you have to go past about eight or nine slices did you get what you want and then you hope they don't rip on the way up and just before you get them out the top eight slices go boom and fold the other way should I just leave him crooked don't you let him think a burglar made his sandwich you know not me honey I didn't do that I never do that that's like who the [ __ ] is it in my house who puts away the milk carton with this much milk in it man pull the [ __ ] put that away I thought that was full now then the other word I wanted to remind you of was for the word [ __ ] which of course is the champ of the all-time dirty words when they're always dirty by god [ __ ] right at the head of the pack [ __ ] a good strong word it's a good strong word for its purpose and it's ah it's a word that a lot of people have trouble with it's a it's an honest word it's a it's a forceful word it has a lot of emotional baggage with it when you hear the word [ __ ] you're not just hearing the word you're hearing everything you ever heard about [ __ ] I mean we have a lot of attitudes about [ __ ] some of the rationale and some of them aren't some of them have joy in them so have guilt and fear and all sorts of things in the word [ __ ] carries with it a lot of emotional baggage when they say [ __ ] you go what oh oh good oh I thought you meant do it right away God you know it's it's just the word that that well it'll clear the room awfully quick in some house homes it's a heavy good strong word it's a proud sounding word to me [ __ ] [ __ ] I am [ __ ] who are you [ __ ] of the mountain I just I just feel the word is getting a bad shake the word has an image problem the word [ __ ] needs public relations help it's just a word you know that's what you have to remember it's just a word but it's in such bad shape here's a word that started out okay started out all right nothing wrong with the word [ __ ] originally I mean there it was you're not a bad word you're not a bad word you've just gotten in with bad company people that's all just the word was all it was the word in the original Old English as best I can find [ __ ] only meant to hit to smite just to perhaps hit with a stick to [ __ ] the tree to [ __ ] the rock to [ __ ] thee that's all I'm pretty soon I'll get you with media cunning for that it was just a little I'll knock a little [ __ ] on you there that's all it was was a love tap when you get right down to it that's all [ __ ] ever men all [ __ ] ever meant was to make love and to make life at the same time that's pretty magic I mean the pretty noble things we think about making love and making life here was [ __ ] hanging around with words like love and life how did it get such a bad reputation we [ __ ] it up yeah we put the aggression back into the word [ __ ] yo [ __ ] yo yo [ __ ] [ __ ] you you [ __ ] you - [ __ ] you think you're [ __ ] with some kind of a [ __ ] [ __ ] you what the [ __ ] you think you're [ __ ] with me don't [ __ ] with me I'll [ __ ] over you you'll [ __ ] with me and you'll get [ __ ] - [ __ ] don't [ __ ] with me on the [ __ ] don't [ __ ] with the [ __ ] God it sounds like combat man it's got an awful lot there's an awful lot of hostility in the way that word is used it's an awful lot of aggression going down in the name of [ __ ] imagine that the word make love not war someone pointed it out finally they made it very clear for make love not war I wish I had thought of that phrase you know I really would have been very happy with myself if I had thought of that one man I would have retired the same day I would have left my car at the red light man I say that's it folks I'm going to the beach you got it make love not war well I didn't think of it but I do have my own phrase make [ __ ] not kill it's not as graceful of phrase but I'm not looking to retire either the whole idea of Mik Fox not kill is simply to switch the meanings of the words I suggest that for one year we trade meanings unfuck and kill just [ __ ] for kill and kill for [ __ ] that's it don't worry about what they really are someone else will take care of real [ __ ] and real killer I'm just worried about what we call it then we call them [ __ ] and Yellin I say switch them around I think would be an insight I think we get a new slant on how we feel about these words if we just changed [ __ ] for killin for about a year that's all a jannat sure would be fun watching TV during that time better get down off the horse sheriff we're fixin to [ __ ] you now mad [ __ ] still on the loose happy ma he's made his face big mistake my friend he [ __ ] a cop today that makes him a cop [ __ ] pop me boys my horse broke his leg I'm gonna have to [ __ ] him I'll be right there Shamu the [ __ ] whale and to [ __ ] a mockingbird hold gently by the wing so I'm trying to suggest is that [ __ ] you can be a positive phrase if you hear from across the street [ __ ] you okay walking just plain-old walking is a source of a lot of experience we'd recognize that just coming of course you know we walk pretty well humans got it down pretty good wouldn't you say hello there hi dad look at this still walking course I'm talking about walking erect right yeah Homo erectus or whatever he was this dude cuz I mean what's one of the few things that separates us from the lowers lower animals walking and hats right rarely see a lower animal with a hat he does chances are man put it on them you know but there are some animals that walk erect for short bursts you've seen them yeah that's not it and we know it now this is [ __ ] walking we know what walking is we have a right to be proud being able to walk like that and a right to be embarrassed when it doesn't work when we walked dopey sometimes you do something dumb you know sometimes it's not your fault but you always blame it on something else just a little misstep blame it on the sidewalk can't be me I'm graceful a [ __ ] Boulder in the road might be the shoes are not mine I borrowed them not used to the souls goodbye couldn't be me that's why I like with a limp you know limp something blue but that's not right go loose don't do that once you just drop a limb but you've seen some guys some guys a good man some guys are really into their limp it had it a long time in five years you've seen guys like that you [ __ ] they pivot on it shoes you've seen those gangs okay they go up but you see him go up a spiral staircase do you see that [ __ ] unless reason some guys can hand them when you had a limp a long time it's when you just get a limp when it's a new limp that you're not good at it yet and you go oh is this steel beam away that's when you're not to go you ever walk and count your footsteps you know how many of them fall in each box on the sidewalk one two one two one two and a half carry a half one to hate doing math while I'm walking you ever look at yourself in store windows gotta check it out all right try to see your profile and everything sometimes you're walking up the stairs and you think there's another stair you have to go into a little routine you know throw them off hi there hi good things stereos on mezzanine sometimes you're going down the stairs how do you think there's another one I was what they called a fussy eater he's fussy he's a fussy eater fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the air I mean if I didn't like something I told them I didn't play with my food pick up my food I said I don't like that you make this I don't like it why they wanted reasons oh you don't always have a reason I don't know I know I don't like it and I know that if I ate it I would like it even less you like it you need then they would try to corner me with logic how do you know you don't like if you've never even tried it came to me in a dream some things don't look right I don't like that mom don't look right to me did you make that is there a picture of it in the cookbook I'll bet it don't look like that let's face it be honest some things don't look right of course some people eat anything I know that some guys eat anything I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line what's this never mind give me a whole lotta that's rat's ass hold on but it certainly makes a hell of a fondue look I don't need anything I don't recognize immediately if I have to ask questions [ __ ] it I pass tomatoes don't look right either on the outside they're fine tomatoes look lovely on the outside but you look inside of tomato and something is wrong something has gone a foul inside of a tomato it doesn't look right you know it doesn't look like it's finished yet for one thing it looks like it's in the larval stage or something thousands of seeds and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff here on my plate oh skooshy it's like that stuff at the end of an egg and I know it's not the end of an egg it's the beginning of a chicken in income we go to play monopoly in groups of four five six huh I guess monopoly I still play now and then I think you never leave that completely you know if they need an extra guy you know I don't start them up come on okay put me in up because I was never very good at it you know I didn't do very well like well right I have a couple of railroads you know not a complete [ __ ] a couple of railroads snap up Baltic Avenue as soon as that became available how much is that sixteen let me have that mother but the best thing I'd ever had would be oh maybe one piece of property in the light blue series oriental Avenue nothing on it of course maybe an excavation it's what all I ever had on my stuff was plans surveyors marks all my friends had industrial parks condominiums shopping centers malls oh boy Colin you're coming down my side Wow big one [ __ ] a 12 of course you can't move your token till you remember which one you had which token that I have which to the height of you bushes you had the P of the racing idea the red you get the back of the ship like a battleship every game the worst talking to have was the gun the big cannon there was the only token that kept falling over you know it was the only top heavy fill the dice anywhere near that 100 you are you the gun are you the gun pick it up would you please and you are you in jail or just visiting okay well put the car on the outside if you're just visiting some guys cared that's why they won I never won I was always in there at the end though the end of the game because I'd have all the $1 bills me sure 1500 and singles and he needed me to make change man for all their filthy deals no I wasn't that good at the game I generally I used to Outland enchants all the time it's constantly landing on chance try to buy it you're getting more fights trying to buy James the three four five six seven eight nine ten geon's little man with a hat $200 for being an [ __ ] shuffle them good that's the second time I got that one there's a lot of [ __ ] you have to put up with when you're driving like red lights when did this [ __ ] start I only noticed him about a month ago myself and I'll be honest with you I don't stop for him anymore I did for about a week didn't like it [ __ ] I'm gone I got no time to sit there jacking around listen to the news you know my motto in traffic cop didn't see it I didn't do it I haven't hit anybody yet haven't hit anybody I've had a few people behind me hit each other but That's not me that's back there me I'm God and I'm getting a whole lot better mileage especially in town god damn them sidewalks come in handed on there but what are they gonna do if they catch me give me a ticket you know that's the big fear in some people's lives may disobey it a ticket you know how to handle a ticket by now don't you you got to be firm with the policeman be firm with that policeman policeman respect strength well he's writing out the ticket you got to flash him a whole lot of bad looks then when he's almost finished riding reach over and grab the ticket out of his hand tell him you're going to check it over for mistakes then when you finish reading it crumple it up and throw it at his feet and say [ __ ] you and your ticket to us hole in a hat can't you see I have enough garbage on the floor of my car already without another worthless piece of paper from the state I got eight or nine and I'm [ __ ] floating around in here hey don't I pay your salary they like that when you're interested in the state budget you're a public servant get me a glass of water you pinheaded prick you're holding me up jack people are waiting for me at a party I got a trunk full of heroin get the [ __ ] out of my way will ya tell them it's your car tell them is your car and you do it your goddamn want with it say I own this car my name is on the pink slip I do what I want and I own the highway to that my taxes paid for that they're both mine I own the highway and I own the car I own everything goddamn it he'll be glad to hear that [ __ ] that's what they like people who know their rights that way they don't have to read them to you on the way downtown to the maximum security penitentiary where you'll spend the rest of your life with no conjugal visits except from some big guy you don't want one from well I get pissed goddamn it there's a lot of [ __ ] you have to put up with when you're driving like these jogger [ __ ] I kill three of the [ __ ] myself great I have killed three jogger asses out I'd have more I'd have a few more but I don't always kill them sometimes I just toy with them you know I pull up in my car and with my right front tire I pull a sneaker off their heel because he can't hear me coming because he has on his Walkman I'm wearing my Walkman today I'm cutting the world out will [ __ ] you are [ __ ] they think you're going to live longer by jogging not if they get near my [ __ ] machine they're not you're going away it's Michelin on Nike time I don't know which is worse the jogger [ __ ] or the bicycle riding creeps these [ __ ] on their bicycles and they got special little hats you know they have special little hats to protect their special little heads and they all try to act grown-up these bicycle people try to act mature because they know basically they're dealing with a toy so they try to act grown-up by giving hand signals that makes them feel adult they give hand signals he's gonna tell me where he's going I'll tell you where you're going you're going 30 feet up in the [ __ ] air is where you're going back on the sidewalk with the rest of the children your mother tell you to keep your toys in the yard well I get pissed got there man there's a lot of [ __ ] you have to put up with when you're driving like the other cars have you noticed that hazard Oh thousands of these other cars many of them with people who have licenses apparently I think it's just so [ __ ] pissed off some of these people in their cars you get you're so [ __ ] pissed on me you get so [ __ ] pissed off you want to be never get so [ __ ] pissed off that you forgot where you're going because you got behind someone who isn't going anywhere either a man with no destination at all and I say step on all the pedals maybe one of them means go oh they get you pissed I don't know where they come from but I believe I believe as an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house all right he's leaving now everyone in position and they're laying for me all along my route he's a guy making a u-turn in Reverse here's a woman backing out of a bush and each of them has a special talent each driver has one thing he does for you first of all there's the guy whose turn signal has been on since 1955 then there's his opposite that's the guy who doesn't put his turn signal on until he's finished the turn he's going to tell you where he was then there's the guy behind you at night who's brights are on he has his brights on in case you want to read well I just happen to have a copy of Ivanhoe with me I don't think it's your piss don't you get you so goddamn mad sometimes when you're out there some of them especially here's one you know here's a feeling you'll recognize immediately you ever been behind somebody on like a two-lane road or something somebody you cannot get around you've been behind them already for like 18 minutes and you want to get somewhere and he's not moving at all and you ever get so pissed off that all you want to do now is catch up with him to see what the [ __ ] looks like you know that feeling and I just want to see this [ __ ] suckers face look he looks exactly like I thought he would constipated cars to watch out for first cars any car where the driver is also on the phone technology has brought us these self-important twits you know phones were invisible these guys wouldn't on them the whole idea is for you to see the phone so you'll know he's a busy guy I'm a busy guy he's reaching out that's what he tell you I am reaching out well reach out and jerk me off then there's these people who want you to go ahead of them this courtesy [ __ ] that's going around see I don't think it's real courtesy that's why I don't like it it's a bogus it's a it's a counterfeit generosity everybody wants me to go first you go go ahead please go go even when I leave the house in the morning there's a guy there at 7 a.m. waiting for me I've waited you to come out so you can go first go ahead I think it's supposed to be at Nam guilt syndrome of some kind you know it America has lost its soul so now it's going to save its body it's like the fitness craze in this country what doesn't work that way you know what I mean doesn't work that way and I'm sitting in the driveway I know I'm sitting there I'm stuck it looks like I'm stuck but I'm not asking for any help I'm not asking for anything just sitting there and some yo-yo some putz some some world-class high-tech state-of-the-art yo-yo who hasn't had a generous thoughts in st. Swithin's day slams on his brakes dad kills three people behind him and doesn't ask me to go tells me to go you go [ __ ] yo you go I like it here I come here all the time you know then when he goes crashing off and if he gets out to complain say hey you said to go thank you all very much

Channel: iStateOfMind3

Views: 907,185

Rating: 4.6470766 out of 5

Keywords: yt:stretch=16:9

Id: IBkTV9VLPJM

Length: 87min 4sec (5224 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 18 2012