Funniest George Carlin Bit Ever

so I say there are little things you can do to help keep other people on their toes you ever try backing out of a drive-in Bank that's the kind of thing I mean or just walk up to someone on the street and say pardon me I have nothing to say [Applause] someone asks you what time it is so well it's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard-on now now many of these suggestions many of these suggestions which I'm offering are intended for use on retail clerks because retail clerks seem to need special help you ever go into a store and realize immediately that the clerk is running on a lean mixture the cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago he's just a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic here's one to try go into a gift shop and ask for your gift well they never seemed to have mine I say I saw your sign I came in for my gift save you the trouble of looking all over for me doesn't impress them but it keeps them on their goddamn toes or else just go running into any quiet little store on a Sunday morning and say he'll say yes he thank you and run let them figure it out it's not your concern stand on line at the bank for a really long time one of those new kind of lines they have at the bank the common feeder line [Applause] used to be every teller had his own line not anymore now you think you're in [ __ ] Disneyland stand on line a long time when you finally get up to the window just ask for change of a nickel they actually call other tellers over to look at you [Applause] here's one go into the photographer's studio in your neighborhood and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people so how much for that heavyset couple in the window or they will stare at you a long time on that one in fact they might even back up several feet [Applause] this one is my current favorite go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if you can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them in another pair of that they ought to be able to do that for the same amount of money while you're in there ask him if you can get pecker tracks off a wedding gown that's the test of a really quality dry cleaner go into a laundry hand him your shirt and tell him to rotate the buttons go into a gun store buy a gun and buy some ammunition then ask him if they have any ski masks [Applause] all right that's all right go into a supermarket this is a good one for the supermarket get your shopping cart in the supermarket and fill it to the top I mean a huge mound of groceries and then go up to the line and look for somebody with one item and ask him if you can get ahead of do you mind I'm in a hurry I only have 1,100 items run into a bakery and say can you make a cake in the shape of a penis they never know they always have to have a meeting well I don't know wait a minute now hold on just what you could we have a picture to go by well no but I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you lead back order more flour Helen next time you're at a wishing well doesn't happen often next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager telling me we're coming there for ten years and none of your wishes have come true either you give me my money back or I'm [ __ ] in the well here's one for the baseball park baseball park ever notice if the ball game a lot of guys bring a glove [ __ ] that bring a bat you see a foul ball coming hit it back to them get it back to them then stand up and wave at the pitcher but they'll think you're a fun fan they'll think it's straightjacket night give a notice in some hotels they give you a little sewing kit you know what I do I sew the towels together [Applause] so the sheets to the drapes let him know you've been there here's one for the guys this one is strictly for the guys go into a barber shop tell the man you want to get your pubic hair streaked say nothing fancy just frost my bush they'll be talking about you for years the man who had his bush hair sectioned off with aluminum foil as they try to find a way to fit you under a dryer you'll be in the Busch Hall of Fame here's a good one in the bar when you're drinking in the bar you ever notice in the bar someone always says to you hey can i buy your drink say no thanks but can I have the money instead tell him you're saving up to buy your own goddamn bar now there's one more area of daily life which lends itself to keeping people alert and that is when you're driving certainly you'd agree anyone behind the wheel of a car has lots of opportunities to keep people on their toes I don't mean just blowing some guy's head off because he cut you off at the red light or something or yeah I'm talking about subtle things like putting your car and low gear and following pedestrians into the mall they've been a lot of talk as you know about this violence on the highways people shooting each other from their cars I don't believe too much and that sort of an overt violence I like kind of a preventive violence in my car know what I have in the rear window of my car I have one of those diamond-shaped yellow signs that says armed pitbull with aids on board and I'll tell you even the jack-offs are leaving me alone here's a little some fun in the car driving along somebody's driving along next year in the next Lane over there and you say pull over barber barber he pulls over you keep going let him park a while and think it over hey it's certainly none of your concern in fact you don't want to have anything to do with an [ __ ] like that that man is liable to kill someone here's another little practical joke for the driver when you're going through the Tollbooth well not actually through the booth itself [ __ ] that would be a big practical joke I mean when you're going through the little space in between the booths when you get up there and the guy sticks out his hand bargain with them try to get yourself a better deal tell him you heard it was free Chevrolet day tell him to use the road and you're looking for a discount tell him you got no more money you spent it all on [ __ ] and beer that'll wake him up especially if you're a woman [Applause]

Channel: LatinMafia64

Views: 3,766,734

Rating: 4.6775932 out of 5

Keywords: george carlin, stand-up, funny, comedy, bit, people, on their toes, what am i doing in new jersey?, hbo, suggestions

Id: uiKxQRf3Vws

Length: 12min 3sec (723 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 11 2011