FUNNIEST MOMENTS of Yes, Minister Series 3 | Yes, Minister | BBC Comedy Greats

i am going to announce a quota of 25 women deputy sectors and permanent secretaries to be achieved within the next four years now wait a minute minister why well i'm obviously in total sympathy with your objectives obviously of course we must have more women at the top of course and all of us are deeply concerned by this apparent imbalance but these things take time i want to make a start straight away i agree wholeheartedly and i propose we make an immediate start by setting up an interdepartmental committee and forming a government that's not what i meant and you know it i don't want the usual delaying tactics this needs a sledgehammer we must cut through the red tape oh you can't cut tape with a sledgehammer minister oh now minister you do me an injustice i was not about to suggest laying tactics oh sorry oh that's all right minister i was about to suggest that if we are to have a 25 quarter of women we need a much larger intake at the recruitment stage so that eventually there will be 25 in the top jobs when in 25 years you haven't got quite my drift i mean now oh you mean now got it in 100. minister it takes time to do things now the three articles of civil service faith it takes longer to do things quickly it's more expensive to do them cheaply and it's more democratic to do them in secret no i have suggested four years and i think that's masses of time oh damn me no i don't mean political time i mean real time civil servants are grown like like oak trees not mustard and crest they bloom and ripen with the seasons they mature like uh like like yourself well i was about to say like an old port like grimsby perhaps yes i was being serious minister yes i foresaw this problem and i propose we solve it by bringing in top women from outside the service to fill vacancies in the top jobs i don't think i quite understood watch my mouth happy we will bring in women from outside but the whole strength of the system is that it is incorruptible pure and unsullied by outside influence people move from job to job throughout industry why should the civil service be different well the civil service is different it demands subtlety discretion devotion to duty soundness sounds well said bernard civil servants require endless patience and boundless understanding they need to be able and willing to change horses midstream as the politicians change what they're pleased to call their minds and you have all these talents humphrey well it is just that one has been properly um matured like grimsby strange no hungry ask yourself seriously if there isn't something wrong with the system why are there so few women deputy secretaries well they keep leaving to have babies and things babies at the age of nearly 50 surely not well i don't know minister really i don't i'm on your side we really do need more women at the top good cause i'm not waiting 25 years there's a vacancy rate deputy sector in this department isn't there yes i shall appoint a woman sarah harrison sarah harris i think she's very able don't you very able for a woman for a person a very evil girl and she has ideas she is an original thinker yes i'm afraid that's true but she doesn't let it interfere with her work what have you got against her last thing i think she's quite excellent i'm a great supporter of hers i advocated her promotion last year to undersecretary at a very early age would you agree that she is an outstanding under secretary yes so on balance it is a good idea on balance yes and no it's not a very clear answer it's a balanced answer well i must say that it seems right and proper to me that men and women be treated fairly and equally and i think i speak for all of us when i say that we all feel that in principle there should be such target set and goals achieved bill well mr i'm fully in favor of this idea we must have some positive discrimination in favor of women of course it wouldn't work with the foreign commonwealth of us for obvious reasons where we couldn't post women ambassadors to iran or any of the muslim nations most of the third world are not so advanced as we are in connection with women's rights and as we have to send uh diplomats to new postings every three years this idea is obviously not for us but i do applaud the principle yeah yes me too i'm all in favor of it i i think we need the feminine touch women are better at handling some problems than men no doubt about it of course we would have to make an exception as far as the home office is concerned women are not the right people to run prisons or the police and quite probably they wouldn't want to do it anywhere but you do agree with the principle oh yes one question peter well yes the same applies to defense alas all those admirals and generals and it would be possible of course to appoint a woman as head of security for instance m would have to become if i think yes defense is clearly a man's world like industry and employment all those trade union leaders but what about the dhss john well i'm happy to say that women are well represented near the top of the dhs after all we have two of the four deputy secretaries currently in whitehall uh not eligible for permanent secretary of course because they're deputy chief medical officers and i'm not sure they're really suitable for uh no no that's unfair of course women are 80 percent of our clinical staff and 99 of the typing grades so we're not doing too badly by the market and in principle i'm in favor of them going to the very top good good well i think the feeling of the meeting is in principle that we're all thoroughly in favor of equal rights for the ladies it's just that there are certain special problems in individual departments now what about this question of the quota frankly i must tell you that i'm against we must in my view always have the right to promote the best man for the job regardless of sex nervous and speaking as an ardent feminist myself i think in recruiting the right sort of women married women with families tend to drop out because in all honesty they cannot give their work their full single-minded attention and unmarried women with no children are not fully rounded people a thorough understanding of life so that in practice it's rarely possible to find a fully rounded married woman with a happy home and three children who's prepared to devote her whole life or virtually her whole life to a department in catch-22 really well catch-22 sub-paragraph a yes i think we must ensure that our respective ministers oppose this quota idea and cabinet by drawing our own minister's attention to each department's own special problems but we will of course uh recommend the principle of equal opportunities at every level i mean i said just one more thing through the chair i'd like to add that my minister also sees the promotion of women as a means of creating greater diversity at the top of the service i think we should stress when briefing our ministers that quite frankly you couldn't find the more diverse lot than us absolutely a real cross-section of the nation but surely you don't intend to tamper with the democratic rights of freely elected local government representative no of course not local government isn't democratic local democracies are fast and the vast majority of people don't even know how their councillor is they never vote in a local election and those who do simply regard it as a popularity poll for the government here in westminster local councillors in practice are accountable to nobody they're public spirited citizens selflessly sacrificing their spare time have you ever met any occasionally when there was no alternative half of them are self-centered busy bodies on an ego trip and the other half are in it for what they can get out of it perhaps they want to be in the house of commons yeah i mean to see how a proper legislative assembly behaves anyhow i'm going to get a grip on him i have a plan you have a plan yes i'm going to insist that any local official who puts up a plan costing more than say ten thousand pounds must accompany it with failure standards with what with a statement saying that he will have failed if his project does not achieve certain preset results or exceed fixed time or staff or budget mr where did you get the idea for this dangerous nonsense from someone in the department minister i have warned you before about the dangers of speaking to people in the department i implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government it is a political graveyard but excuse me sir humphrey you cannot have a graveyard in a minefield because all the corpses would but you got me this job you said yes but i didn't expect you to do anything i mean you've never done anything before i am deaf to your computer please no no no no no humphrey i want specific proposals straight away and immediate plans for their implementation by local government don't know why you're in such a fuss about anyway i'm only proposing failure standards for local government not here in white hall though come to think of it if you insist on interfering in local government may i make a suggestion that could prove a very real vote winner humphrey i want to hear no more about that winner an area of local government that needs urgent attention what civil defense you mean fallout shelters surely they're just a joke precisely minister at the moment they are a joke local authorities are dragging their feet but the highest duty of any government is to protect its citizens some people think that the building of shelters makes nuclear war more likely well if you have the weapons you must have the shelters sometimes wonder why we need the weapons minister you're not a unilateralist sometimes wonder you know well then you must resign from the government no no no no no i'm not that unilateralistic the americans will always protect us from the russians would they russians who's talking about the russians independent deterrent let's protect us against the french that's astounding why well they're our allies our partners well they are now but they've been our enemies for most of the past 900 years if they got the bomb we must have the bomb no there is considerable disquiet about the bbc's attitude and hostility towards the government but that's absurd is it well they've been documenting instances of bias in uh bbc current affairs favorable news stories not reported oh yes excessive publicity for other countries case against britain especially our common market enemies partners jokes against the prime minister unnecessary publicity for anti-government demonstrations and uh ministers programs suggestions not accepted i'm afraid i didn't have room in my case for the others but i i'm sure we've got answers to all these of course the bbc's also got answers silly ones but it's got them of course but i thought it was only fair to warn you that questions are being asked what sort of questions well for example where parliament to be televised whether it shouldn't be entrusted to itv and whether the bbc administration is actually making the cuts in jobs and premises that we've endured in government and should a select committee be appointed to scrutinize bbc expenditure but that would be an intolerable intrusion well of course and then of course there's this extraordinary matter of the boxes at ask at wimbledon lords cotton garden and the prom ah yes well those are technical requirements production and engineering stuff reports from the inland revenue suggests that the production and engineering staff are all holding champagne glasses and are all accompanied by their wives or ladies of equal distinction and all bear remarkable similarity to governors directors and executives of the uh corporation and their friends oh i say you've come out very well [Laughter] mind you it is just possible that we might be able to contain all this criticism provided the files don't get any larger and i've been urging my minister there's really no need to take up this case of the civil defense issue formally but you must see my position bbc cannot give you into government pressure no no because we wouldn't want them to would we minister wouldn't we no of course but you see the minister's interview with ludovic kennedy did contain some factual errors the actual errors ah well now that's different i mean as you know the bbc couldn't give you into government pressure oh absolutely but we do set great store by factual action oh yes yes but you see some of the information in the interview might well be out of date by the time i transformation out of date oh no that's serious i mean obviously the bbc i mean as you know couldn't possibly give you into government oh indeed but we do not want to transmit out-of-date material and since the recording i realized that i made one or two inadvertent slips that might have security implications such as he can't tell you what they are why not security and probably too careful about security i do agree if the defense of the realm is at stake well we do have to be very responsible for this i mean obviously the bbc couldn't give in to government pressure no security well you can't be too careful not to be true i can be too careful no if there are inaccuracies and security worries well the bbc wouldn't want to put the interview out that puts a completely different complexion would not be in the public's interest but i must make one thing absolutely clear yes there can be absolutely no question of the bbc ever giving in to government pressure bernard i'm not happy about disciplining south derbyshire well why not minister instinct dr cartridge seemed to be trying to tell me something i think i'll drop in on him oh no no no i wouldn't do that minister why not well it is understood if ministers want to know anything it will be brought to their notice if they go out looking for information they might oh well they might find it yes sir humphrey does not take kindly to the idea of ministers just dropping in on people going walkabout he calls it the queen does it well i don't think she drops in on under secretaries not in sir humphries department what's his room number i must formally advise you against this minister advice noted room 4017. darn one flight second corridor on the left if i'm not back in 48 hours send out a search party hello graeme it's bernard look i think you better tell sir humphrey that the minister's just gone walkabout yes yes awol well of course i told him yes i know i think you better let him know right away one two three four five six seven eight nine ten what's all this about the minister just left the office to hunt me that's all that's all you mean he's loose in the building why didn't you warn me well i did advise him to humbly but he is the minister and there's no statutory prohibition against ministers talking to their staff is that who's he talking to bernard perhaps he was just restless if the minister's restless burnout he can feed the ducks and james's park yes sir humphreys and now tell me who the minister's talking to well surely the minister can talk to anyone bird i'm in the middle of writing your annual report now it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst i'm in a bad temper who's the minister talking to well perhaps you could help me with this humphrey i can quite see that you should be told if the minister calls on an outsider but i fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to to take a hypothetical example to check a point with dr cartwright thank you bernard room 4017. so all those things they told me about south derbyshire council are they true they may be for all i know well what are you saying i'm saying that nevertheless south derbyshire is the most efficient local authority in the uk the most efficient i'm supposed to be ticking them off for being the least efficient look at the figures i thought they didn't send us any no but they keep their own records perfectly well i'm going on those look they've got the lowest truancy record in the midlands the lowest administrative cost per council house lowest ratio in britain of council workers to rate income a clean bill of public health with the lowest number of environmental health officers what are environmental health officers rat catchers virtually all the children can read and write even though they've had a progressive education oh yes and they've got the smallest establishment of social workers in the uk is that supposed to be a good thing oh yeah sign of efficiency parkinson's law of social work you see it's well known that social problems increase to occupy the total number of social workers available to deal with i think there is something that perhaps you ought to know yes the identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures but not to put too fine a point on it the individual in question is it may surprise you to learn one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun thank you it was i i was under pressure [Laughter] we were overworked there was panic parliamentary questions table well obviously i'm not a trained lawyer i wouldn't have been in charge of the legal unit it just happened it was 30 years ago everybody makes mistakes i forgive you oh thank you minister but why didn't you tell me about this before i'm free we have no secrets from each other have we that is for you to say minister well not entirely anyhow what are we going to do i'm going to be roasted if i don't release all those papers to the mail because i might be able to do something about it i hadn't got this other worry on my plate being roasted by the press for disciplining the most efficient council in great britain ah you know minister i've been thinking about south dakota oh good obviously we can't change the law but perhaps we might show them a little leniency you know private words the chief executive give them a chance to mend their ways well that might help considerably how am i going to explain the missing documents to the mail well this is what we normally do in circumstances like these this file contains the complete set of papers except for a number of secret documents a few others which are part of still active files some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967 was 1967 a particularly bad winter no marvelous winter we lost no end of embarrassing piles some records which went astray in the move to london and others when the war office was incorporated in the ministry of defence and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments well that's pretty comprehensive how many does that normally leave for them to look at how many actually leave about a hundred fifteen ten five [Music] yes minister oh excuse me minister there's an urgent call for you in the communications room a mr hague general hague no mr hague you know with the dimples excuse me most important i believe there's a message for me from mr hague yes minister i'm the only woman here yeah special dispensation they've made you an honorary man for the evening this is going to look wonderful on the corner table in our hall oh well actually mrs hacker i'm not sure if if what well you see it's a gift to the minister well it's his hall too uh no what i mean is i don't think you'll be allowed to keep it why ever not well i suppose it could be thought if it were valuable it could influence some ministers i mean not your minister that is my minister our minister your husband as it is in fact i mean he is i mean well some ministers sorry are you telling me we have to give it back oh no no that would be an insult we can't keep it we can't give it back what do i do well it becomes the property of the government and it's put in a basement somewhere in whitehall are you sure we can't keep it what if it's worth more than about 50 pounds how do we find out you get evaluation could you get evaluation wouldn't it be wonderful if it was less than 50 pounds because it's awfully pretty well [Laughter] i suppose i could try oh bernard you are wonderful i don't know what we do without you wanted in the communications room mr john walker johnny walker yes from the scotch office scottish office isn't there a message for me darling yes of course there is but that'll get it for you give him your glass if you give him your glass he'll get you some more orange juice as well yeah oh bernard it's humphrey here yet oh yes he's just over here excuse me [Laughter] traditional fallen office courtesy to our arab hosts isn't that right if indeed ah spot on hampi your royal highness yes we regard it as a most warm and gracious compliment may i present our minister mr hacker this is prince mohammed how do you do you're all hannah pleased to meet you excellency excellency i think if you'll excuse me i just must have a quick word which i'm pretty pleased can't believe my eyes what do you hear there's alibaba minister when in rome we are not in rome for you look ridiculous especially if you're in the fiji islands you'd be dressed in a grass skirt the foreign office takes the view that as the arab nations are a very sensitive people that we should show them whose side we're on well it may come as a surprise to the foreign office but you're supposed to be on our side any um messages in the communication well there is one for good man yes the soviet embassy's on the line sir humphrey and mr smirnoff soviet i'm sure there isn't one for me oh well there was a message from the british embassy compound the school a delegation of teachers let's go and greet the teachers before the bells goes miss minister i agree with you i see now that there is a moral dimension to everything will you tell the press about the communications remorse lie you know all the scotch in qumran you want me to tell me if i say then you must drop me in in the moral dimension this is completely different not the same thing at all why drinking it's not corruption no it's just a seed that's all certain we have deceived the comranes i'm wracked with guilt tormented by the knowledge that we have violated their solomon sacred islamic law in their own country sooner or later we'll have to earn up and admit that it was all your idea it wasn't it was what's it is it 50 lashes or 100. minister i must ask you to meet this journalist or she'll write something terrible anyway oh yes yes alright yes what am i going to say you may suggest that attack is the best form of defense attack yes good thinking yes got it minister will introduce miss jenny goodwin from the guardian i do carrie sit down weren't you jenny i may call you jenny may i not if you'd like now what seems to be the trouble two things really minister both of them rather worrying to the public uh the first is a story that you may have seen in the french press it's about corruption in bes getting the kamrani contract complete nonsense but they quoted reports of payments to officials really this is absolutely typical a british company slogs its guts out to win orders create jobs earn dollars and what does it get from the media a smear campaign but if they won by bribery there's no question of bribery i've had a full internal inquiry and all these so-called payments have been identified what else commissions administrative overheads operative costs managerial surcharges your introduction expenses miscellaneous outgoings we have looked into every brown envelope every account book and everything is completely an honor i see and may i say one further thing allegations of this nature are symptomatic of a very sick society for which i'm afraid the media must take its share of the blame for media why are you putting thousands of british jobs at risk i am calling on the press council to censor the press for its appalling lack of professional standards and running this story the council and indeed the house of commons must be concerned about the standards which have applied in this disgraceful matter and pressure will be brought to bear to make sure that this sort of gutter press reporting is not repeated i see well um there is this other question it's about the uh rose water jar apparently presented to you in qumran yes well i saw it in your flat actually well yes we're keeping it there temporarily temporarily oh yes it's very valuable you know mrs hacker said that it was an imitation burglar's girl birthdays until you can get rid of it get rid of it yes i'm presenting it to our local museum as soon as i get up to the constituency at the weekend well i can't hold on to it you know it's government property now what was your question the reason there has never been an integrated transport policy is that such a policy is in everybody's interest except the minister who creates it why now how can i put it in a manner which is close to your heart it is the ultimate vote loser vote loser why do you think the transport secretary isn't doing it why do you think he suggested the lord privy seal why do you think the lord privy seal suggested the chancellor of the duchy of lancaster and why do you think he suggested the law president of the council i didn't know all this and why do you think they invited you to number 10 behind my back minister this hideous appointment has been hurtling around whitehall for the last three weeks like a grenade with the pin taken out if i could pull it off it would be a feather in my cap if you pulled it off minister it wouldn't be in your cafe thank you bernard if you pull it off minister no one will feel the benefits for ten years and long before that you and i will have moved on or up or out in the meantime formulating policy means making choices once you do that you please the people that you favor but you infuriate everybody else one vote gained 10 lost now if you give the job to the road services the rail board and unions will scream if you give it to the railways the road lobby will massacre you and if you cut british airways investment plans they will hold a devastating press conference that same afternoon but i'm going to be transports you primo i believe the civil service vernacular is transport muggins no humphrey the prime minister has asked me to undertake this task this necessary duty and after all we must all endeavor to do our duty furthermore so mark thinks there may be votes in it and if so i don't intend to look a gift horse in the mouth i put it to you minister that you are looking at trojan horse in the mouth ready to look closely at this gift horse we'll find us full of trojans uh if you had like the trojan horse and the mouth minister you would have found greeks inside but the point is it was the greeks who gave the trojan horse to the trojans so technically it wasn't a trojan horse at all hence the tag tomio danio sedona ferentes which you will recall is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as beware of greeks bearing gifts or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the lc yes i'm sure greek tags are all very well in their way but can we stick to the point sorry sorry greek tags beware of greeks bearing gifts i suppose the eec equivalent would be beware of greeks bearing an olive oil surplus excellent no well the point is minister that just as the trojan horse was in fact greek what you described as a greek tag is in fact latin it's obvious really the greeks would never suggest be wearing of themselves if one can use such a participle be wearing that is and it's clearly latin not because timio ends in no because the greek first person also so actually there is a greek word tim ao meaning i honor but the os ending is a nominative singular termination of the second declension increase and an accusative plural in latin of course though actually danios is not only the greek for greek it's also the latin for greek it's very interesting really yes i'll take your point humphrey but is it really now for minister perhaps perhaps you will allow me to prove it to you i will arrange a preliminary conference for you with three under secretaries from the department of transport from the roads division the rail division and the air transport division civil servants what will that be well i think it may illustrate you some of the problems you will encounter you may be right i'm free but if i succeed this could be my faultland islands and you could be general galtieria what if the press should get hold of this they'd have to have another leak inquiry they won't really set up an inquiry will they all boundaries but won't that be uh embarrassing no no no no no that's what leak inquired is for setting up they don't actually conduct them members may be appointed but they'll probably never even meet they'll certainly never report how many leak inquiries can you recall bernard that actually named the culprit in round figures well if you wanted him round figures none they never report if the culprit is a civil servant it would be unfair to publish politicians are there to take the wrap um if he was a politician he still can't publish it because he'll disclose all the other leaks he knows are by his colleagues but chiefly they can't publish because most leaks come from number 10. the ship of state bernard is the only ship that leaks from the top so if the problem is a leaky pm as in this case the facts are difficult to get at and impossible to publish if you do uh may i remind you minister that gentleman from the press is waiting to see you oh yes oh will i leave you then minister schneck oh minister have you got another copy of these new proposals of course because i'm awfully absent-minded you know i'm always leaving documents lying around getting where i've put i do understand minister another leak this is extremely serious this is almost approaching a disciplinary level i do surgery don't you hamper oh yes indeed if only we could find the culprits it'll be a most serious matter for them perhaps uh i can help there i think that uh if i were to use my influence i could achieve a disclosure from the times of how they got hold of your original transport plans oh really i think i might be able to help there too you know indeed are you sure of in this time oh yes i feel confident that i should be able to find out where the press got hold of the leak about the prime minister's opposition to our original plans of course if it transpired that the leak came from the prime minister's own office that'd be even more serious than a leak from a cabinet minister's private office wouldn't it i mean the security implications are low perhaps we ought to call in the police or perhaps mi5 mi5 leak from the prime minister's office is very very serious nevertheless our first priority must be to investigate the original leak no no surely our first priority must be to investigate a possible leak from number 10 at all events the inevitable public outcry after all these leaks is going to make it awfully difficult for us to formulate an integrated national transport policy within the daa the time is unripe the climate is unsuitable the atmosphere is unfavorable now only two avenues of approach are now blocked i wonder if it might not be wiser to take the whole matter back to the department of transport now that arnold is a brilliant idea i wish i'd thought of that there remains the question of the leaks indeed there does and i do feel we ought to treat this with the utmost gravity i think i may have a solution indeed will you please recommend to the prime minister that we set up an immediate leak inquiry yes yes well the pm has asked me to have a preliminary conversation and write a background note save time later oh well i've been given some pretty dramatic information go on the italian red terrorist groups are being supplied with top secret bomb detonators made in this country in a government factory and you feel you should tell the pm well yes the pm's head of security i don't think it's anything to burden the pm with let's hold it over shall we you mean forget all about it that's my recommendation i'm sorry i think i can't accept it the pm must be told if the pm were to be told they'd have to be an inquiry exactly which might perhaps reveal that all sorts of undesirable even hostile governments had been supplied with british made arms you serious why i said perhaps which might perhaps be highly embarrassing to some of our cabinet colleagues foreign secretary defense secretary trade secretary and to the pm person yes well doing the right thing might be embarrassing sometimes but that's not a very good reason for not doing it you know we already sell arms to places like syria chile iran yeah but that's officially approved quite and you're happy about what they do with them well obviously not entirely well either you're in the arms business or you're not well if being it means arming murderers and terrorists then we should be out it's immoral oh great great and is it immoral to put 100 000 british workers out of a job what about the exports two billion pounds a year down the tube for for starters and what about the votes where do you think the government places all those weapons contracts in marginal constituencies obviously exactly look all i'm saying is that now that i know about it the prime minister must be told why why just because you've caught something nasty why'd you have to wonder about breathing over it are you happy in the cabinet yes of course you want to stay in it oh then i'm sorry there is such a thing as duty there are times when one must do what one's conscience tells one over god's sake must you go around flashing your petty private individual little concerts don't you think anybody else has got one haven't you got a conscience about the survival of the government here's the pm on the verge of signing an international anti-terrorist agreement oh i i didn't know about that there's a lot you don't know about can't you see that it's essential to deal with the major policy aspects rather than pick off a couple of little arms exporters and terrorist groups yes i suppose it is just a couple of little terrorist groups well they can't kill that many people can they supposed to and you want to blow it all in a fit of moral self-indulgence after all with the pm thinking about you as the next foreign secretary good lord still if you want to marty yourself then go ahead and press for enquiry feel free to jeopardize everything we've all fought for and worked for together all these years no no no no because well obviously i mean it's appalling if italian terrorists are getting hold of british weapons but as you said there is such a thing as loyalty you know the the common purpose i suppose one one must see these things in a in a proper perspective of course with the ministry of defense of the board of trade you know what absolutely ministry of defense problem bought a trade problem for an office problem see that now so we can hold it over for the time being can we they will upset and embarrass the pm do we absolutely not definitely not no sorry i mentioned it good man but someone in britain is giving bombs to murderers uh selling not giving oh that makes it okay now be serious annie an investigation might uncover all sorts of goings on oh i see it's all right to investigate if you might catch one criminal but not if you might catch lots of them well if they're your cabinet colleagues yes you're right they see government is a very complex business annie there's so many conflicting considerations like whether you do the right thing or the wrongs exactly no no no well what do you suggest i should do take a moral stand threaten resignation let accept it then where would i be and if they accept my resignation i'm gone i'm not in a position to do any good anymore you're not doing good now look resignation may be a sock to my conscience and to yours but it won't stop italian terrorists getting british bombs well it might if you threaten to tell what you know well what do i know i don't know any hard facts when they know it's going on because nobody's denied it but that's not proof don't you see i'm in a real fix i don't think you realize just how real a fix you're in this letter arrived today from major saunders mr hacker thank you for seeing me on monday last such a relief to have told you about this ghastly business of the supply of british weapons to the italian terrorists i know you will act upon this information as you promised and i look forward to seeing some action taken you see now what will you do when major saunders tells the world that he told you about this scandal and you did nothing it's a photocopy you've got the original and it was recorded delivery so you can't say you didn't get it i'm trapped completely trapped i can't tell the pm i can't not tell the pm let's see i was just wondering minister if we might not use the rhodesia solution bernard you excel yourself of course minister the rhodesia solution what are you talking about oil sanctions remember a member of the government was told about the way british companies were sanctioned busting what did he do he told the prime minister what did he do he told the prime minister in such a way that the prime minister didn't hear him no but you mean i should mumble it or something in the division obviously do you write a note very faint pencil please be practical no minute says awfully obvious you write a note which is susceptible of misinterpretation i see dear prime minister it has come to my attention that the italian red terrorists are getting hold of british top-secret bomb-making equipment how do you misinterpret that you can't well exactly so you don't write that you use a more circumspect style and you avoid any mention of bombs or terrorists or any of that sort of thing would that be rather difficult is that what it's all about you say bernard write this down my attention has been drawn on a personal basis to information which suggests the possibility of certain irregularities under section section one of the import export and customs powers defense act 1939 c thank you you then go on to suggest that somebody else should do something about it prima facie evidence suggests that there could be a case for further investigation to establish whether or not inquiries should be put in hand and then you smudge it all over it should be stressed that available information is limited and relevant facts could be difficult to establish with any degree of certainty i see then if there were an inquiry you'd be in the clear and everybody would understand that the busy pm might not have grasped the full implications of such a letter it certainly would that's most unclear thank you minister then you arrange for the letter to arrive at number 10 on the day the pm leaves for an overseas summit so there's also doubt about whether it was the pm or the acting pm who read the note and so the whole thing is written off as a breakdown in communications everybody's in the clear and everybody can get on with their business including the red terrorists exactly we spoke to the curator they get an average of 11 visitors a day anyway it's a constituency matter it's nothing to do with you or whitehall why are you so interested in it there is a question of principle principle you know what you used to tell me politics was about what principle the principle of taking money away from the arts and putting it into things like football a football club is a commercial operation there is no cause for subsidizing if it runs out of money why not why not yes why not there's no difference between subsidizing football and subsidizing art except that a lot more people are interested in football our cultural heritage has to be preserved for whom for people like you you mean for the educated middle classes why should the rest of the country subsidize the pleasures of the middle class few theater opera ballet subsidizing art in this country is nothing more than a middle-class rip-off oh minister how can you say such a thing subsidy is about education preserving the pinnacles of our civilization or haven't you noticed don't patronize me humphrey i believe in education too i'm a graduate of the london school of economics may i remind you well i'm um glad to learn that even the lse is not totally opposed to education nothing wrong with subsidizing sport sport is educational we have sex education too should we subsidize sex perhaps oh could we let us choose what we substitute by the extent of popular demand there's nothing wrong with that it's democratic but minister this is the thin end of the wedge what would happen to the royal opera house on such a basis the very summit of our cultural achievement royal opera house very good case in point and what do they do mozart wagner verdi puccini germans and italians not our culture why should we subsidize the culture of the axis powers our european partners minister the royal opera house gets about nine and a half million pounds of public money every year and for what the public can't afford thirty pound seats and if it could they can't get them there aren't enough of them the vast majority of the audience consists almost entirely of big business executives blocked booked by the banks and the oil companies and the multinationals and people like you royal opera house is the establishment to play why should the working man on the terraces foot the bill for the gentry in the stalls you could perfectly well afford to pay for their own seats i'm quite frankly appalled this is savagery barbarism that a minister of the crown should say these things it it's it's the end of civilization as we know it as well as being a gross distortion of the truth distortion man art cannot survive without public subsidy did shakespeare get a public subsidy and what about films films are art films are educational why does the establishment ignore the subsidizing of films because people like you prefer opera we should be subsidizing modern relevant art like films that the men in the street season enjoys precisely they are commercial and now if you will excuse me i have to go early tonight i can no longer continue with this appalling discussion why where are you going nowhere in particular i'm sorry we must talk this through i can't i have to dress grace where are you going seems to insist i am going to the royal opera house oh you're really garlic knight is it yes it is since you asked that's the permanent secret is going to be there something no doubt or if you get then nope i don't know make you late for your works outing hey hold on how do you know about this before i do oh i just happened to be with the cabinet secretary shortly after the decision was taken cabinet with the responsibility of the arts indeed well thank you for letting me know humphrey anything more i'm just about to start a meeting oh the meeting yes now minister i do hope that you've considered the implications of your new appointment on the subject you're discussing not rescuing a football club no no no no i was wondering how it would look if as cabinet minister responsible for the arts your first action would be to knock down an art gallery it's quite a decent little art gallery really exactly interesting building great two listed uh minister i do think you ought to start this meeting oh my god what have i got to say councillors wilkinson noble and green smith ryan good to see you doug this is humphrey appleby my permanent secretary you mean he's only a temp [Laughter] well it's going great jim we've got all the political parties with us now and the county council all we need is your department's approval for using the proceeds from the sale of the art gallery is a loan to the club well i'm i think there's a snag you said there weren't any well there is what well it's just that well it appears well it it it seems right it it it has emerged i think sir humphrey could explain this better than it can't be done gentlemen um the art gallery is it's a trust in terms of the original bequest or something that's right it's trust we should just have to knock something else down school church hospital about to be something i can't believe this you mean i've got to go and tell the people back home that you've gone back on your word i mean it was your own idea it's not me it's the law well why didn't you find out till now well let me be absolutely frank with you the truth is that it would be possible to push this through just possible but it would take an awful long time okay take the time we've spent enough the trouble is you see something else would have to go by the board and the thing that's taking my time at the moment is forcing through this increase in counsellors expenses and attendance allowances and he said i can't put my personal weight behind both schemes i suppose i could forget about the increased allowances for councillors concentrate on the legal obstacles to the sale of the art gallery tricky things legal obstacles and this is a particularly tricky one and at the end of the day you might still fail every possibility well if that's the way it is there is a chance that we might want to close edge hill road primary at the end of the year that cited fetch a couple of million give or take well there it is then no ill feelings easier and you'll explain locally that we can't overcome the legal obstacles of course we will uh carry on with the good work you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

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Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, Sitcom, paul eddington yes minister, Nigel Hawthorne, Derek Fowlds, classic comedy, Best of Yes Minister, Funniest Moments Yes Minister, compilation yes minister series 3, sir humphrey appleby, UK Government Comedy, Jim Hacker, James hacker, Bernard Woolley, government scandal, Best UK Comedy, Great British Sitcom Actors, Funniest Political Satire, bbc comedy greats youtube, derek fowlds yes minister

Id: wOrJT-Q8CKE

Length: 55min 37sec (3337 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 20 2021