INFURIATING GOVERNMENT: Best Bits of Series 2 | Yes, Minister | BBC Comedy Greats

well i suppose we could form an into departmental committee to examine the feasibility of monitoring a proposal for admitting patients at an earlier date how long would that take to report oh not long how long oh about 80 80 well i suggest that we get rid of all the staff currently employed at that hospital and use the money saved to open closed wards in other hospitals minister we can afford it we opened edwards with medical staff if you would be so kind minister if you do that you will delay the opening of some edwards for patients for years why would you talk as if the staff had nothing to do simply because there are no patients there what do they do oh really minister there are a large number of extremely busy departments first there's a contingency department for fires strikes air raids nuclear war epidemics food or water poisoning in such a crisis the local general hospital is a key center for survival then there's the data in research department who at this moment are conducting a full-scale demographic survey of the catchment area we have to anticipate the future requirements for maternity geriatrics pediatrics and the male female balance then thirdly there's finance of course projected accounts balance sheets and cash flow budgets then there's the purchasing department for purchasing medical and other equipment examining estimates looking at priceless and catalog purchasing what well everything minister everything from brain scanners to brasso may i continue be briefer what did i good minister but i'm afraid you do need to understand fifth there's the technical department for evaluating equipment six there's the building department which deals with the phase three building plans costing and so forth for the final phase of the hospital which should be completed by 1994 then there's maintenance cleaning and catering personnel in charge of leave national health insurance salaries as well as some staff welfare officers to look after the over 500 employees and finally administration administrators more administrators to administrate the other administrators but this is important work minister the typing pool stationary desks office furniture and equipment liaison between departments i can't tell whether you're being serious or not what do you mean there are no patients that is what the hospital is for ill people healing the sickness all these vital tasks that i have just listed must be carried out with or without patience what why why but i don't understand the house i can express it why why would you get rid of the army just because there was no war that is completely different a hospital must produce results we don't measure our success by results but by activity and the activities considerable and productive those 500 people are seriously overworked of course the full establishment should be 650. may i show you some of the paperwork emanating crimson deadwood no no humphrey no you may not enough is enough check them out the question minister we need our administrators otherwise the hospital will never open we'll sack the ancillary equally impossible the unions won't wear it well shaq half the administrators half the ancillary staff and use the money save to get some doctors and nurses and open some walls that is my last words backwards i shall have a word with health service unions but i don't hold out much hope go hmm how about a drink before we go home burn it oh yeah so thank you minister i thought that all went very well this morning at the hospital didn't you burn it uh yes minister well i wasn't sending any arguments you know threatening to go on strike played right into my hands just cheers yeah aren't we missing the news but our diplomatic correspondent says that the united states is now putting considerable pressure on the british government to take in some cuban refugees the government has made no official comment i've got the money all workers in national health service hospitals in the greater london area i'd go on strike at friday midnight a while at jonathan edwards hospital in london over the proposed laying off of 170 ancillary workers we spoke to union activist billy fraser we are striking against unemployment we could bring london's hospitals to a complete standstill there will be no blood transfusions during operations no cancer treatment nothing until we have brought back the compassionate society how can you do that we're not doing it it's mr hacker that's doing it shouldn't you think twice before inflicting these terrible sanctions on innocent members of the public i can assure you and i'd like to take this opportunity to assure the general public that every stone will be left unturned in a search for the settlement have you seen the news yes yes you said you were going to talk to the union yes yes i know i know what are we going to do well at the moment we have an even more serious problem so morris williams independent inquiry about the department well it looks as though it's going to be unfavorable to us but you said he was sound you said he wanted a period i know i know but apparently he's also working his peerage in his capacity as chairman of the joint committee for the resettlement of refugees i see and i suppose there are more brownie points to be got from refugees than from government inquiries yeah precisely minister doesn't he realize we haven't got the money to re-house these refugees well fine uh minister i don't care who it is i don't want to talk to them it's number ten hello jimmy yes yes quite yes i see thank you number 10 has also seen billy fraser on the news i hope that a peace formula can be reached very soon well on top of everything so maurice williams says he'll be satisfied only if the united kingdom will take and house a thousand refugees but we haven't the money for these refugees exactly we haven't even the money for a thousand bed hospital how many refugees did you say somebody wanted us to take a thousand a thousand refugees a thousand deads fully staffed minister that hospital is for sick british not healthy foreigners there's a huge waiting list for it didn't you just say that samaras independent inquiry was likely to come down against the department but that has got what you want yes i see your point minister bernard reinstate all the workers at steadwoods and tell samaris that we can offer him a new hospital with accommodation for a thousand refugees and tell the press that it was my decision and that everybody's happy oh dude do you want to give them a quote minister well why not say it was a tough decision but a necessary one britain is to retain the name of um the compassionate society minister thank you humphrey the compassionate society you got that bennett oh well yes minister but i was a little bit worried about this idea of your ministers linking honours to economies and all that oh that you've heard about that a lot of nonsense ah good you mean it's not true well not exactly that is he did just mention it but um but what well i i can't find any effective arguments against it humphrey this is the thin end of the wedge that's what i said a benight solution i said that yeah that's what i said it's intolerable but um irresistible yes well i'm not in any sense reprimanding you i don't know the facts well enough but as head of the service i would like your assurance that he won't be putting it into practice i certainly hope he won't be i'm not sure that hopes are quite good enough suppose he did apply it to your department the contagion would spread throughout the government every department so presumably we can count on you well i should certainly try but um it's rather tricky well i'm sure you know what you're doing but this could cause people to reflect on your soundness of course i have no doubts about you myself but um anyway i thought it might be useful to have a little chat oh absolutely thank you arnold oh by the way i had the master our old college on the phone just now he said you dined at bayley last week that's right i told him i was sure you'd get your minister to treat them as a special case i hope i was right yes yes but anyway um i got the minister coming down to a benefactor's dinner good sound man well i must be getting over to number 10. thanks for dropping in humphrey oh pleasure arnold [Music] i gather sir humphrey saw the cabinet secretary yesterday and got the most frightful wigging really yes really tore him off a strip because of your brilliant scheme linking economies to honours you're scaring me uh i think we've been through all that before sorry my scheme how does the cabinet secretary give a wigging to someone as high as humphrey well normally i gather it's pretty civilized but this time apparently it was no holds barred so arnold told sir humphrey he wasn't actually reprimanding him how does that was it yes he actually suggested that some people might not think so humphrey was sound mm-hmm a real punch-up yes indeed but what has sir arnold affair anyway he's got all the honors he could want surely well naturally he has his g g yes you get your g after your k you speak in riddles bernard well take the foreign office first you get the cmg and the kcmg then the gcmg the commander of the order of michelins and george knight commander of mike lentz and george knight grand cross of sir michael and sir george of course in the service cmg stands for call me god and uh the kcmg for kindly call me god what does gcmg stand for god calls me god worships are arnold worry you've got his full quota of honors hasn't he certainly not nowhere near there's a peerage the ch the om the order of the garter the knight of the thistle thistle who gets that scotsman and donkeys there is a distinction minister you evidently haven't met the scottish nationalists how do they award the thistle a committee sits on it and now it looks that there'll be no college left to remember unless of course we can solve the problem of the overseas one would like to um help myself um help my friends help the college nothing to do with the honor of course noble thought the ministers always believed that it is a politician's duty to help others absolutely name of the game i mean that's why we go into politics to health burdens i'm an idealist really i mean it's nothing to do with your honor as far as i can see most of the honour comes after you're dead not about satisfaction to be gained out of having your name inscribed on the silver sconce but you're six feet under certainly master to change the subject completely oh thank you when you award your honorary doctorate oh well the actual ceremony is not for a few months but we have to make a final decision in just two weeks honorary doctorates are they already decided there is one doctorate of law still to be decided we're wondering whether it should go to a judge or to someone in government [Laughter] you don't want to make a judge a doctrine law the politicians who make the laws and pass the law i mean if it wasn't for politicians the judges wouldn't be able to judge i mean there'd be no laws too judged no i mean i don't have nothing to do i mean the queues of unemployed judges in silly weeks it's all right for judges they don't have to suck up to tv producers they don't have to lie to journalists don't have to pretend to like their cabinet colleagues you know something else well i'll tell you if judges had to put up with some of my cabinet colleagues they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow bloody good job too i'll tell you another thing i can't send him to prison i can't send him to prison now if i were a judge i could whistle hump you off to the scribes feet wouldn't touch clang bang see you in three years time one-third remission for good contact i can't i have to listen to him some of his sentences are longer than judge jeffries no no no no no politicians are much more deserving you don't want to give your doctorally honourables to judges definitely not beautifully argued ministry i see now you know we we shouldn't give it to a judge you put the case most expertly almost like a doctor of laws don't in fact you and i can see you there now in the sheldonian standing there in those magnificent crimson robes receiving your doctorate from in front of an enormous assembly of eminent scholars wonderful marvin how funny you should say that i was just thinking the same thing [Music] oh yes oh yes i'll come down uh commander forest of the special branch shall i bring him in oh yes please do the special branch have informed the home secretary and he's recommended detectives to protect you this man is here to inform you detectives they can't protect you against the assassin's bullet can they nobody can no certainly not minister but they can determine that the assassin is brought to trial after after the victim has been gunned down uh commander forrest of the uh special branch ah good morning commander good morning commander honey sir do sit down thank you sir you've been told about this uh list sir uh le list uh oh list yes if i can just brief you on these standard hazards and routine precautions thank you i suppose i don't have to take this sort of thing too seriously do i well in a sense that's up to you sir we do advise you i can see that most people might be in a frightful thank but i mean it's really all part of the job isn't it i mean all in a day's work i admire your courage sir right well uh shoot i mean uh well assassination hazards fall broadly into four categories that's bullets bombs poisons and so-called accidents of course there's also gassing throttling stabbing drowning garrotting and ritual disemboweling but they are relatively uncommon in the uk that's all right then let's start with bullets shall we obviously there's your assassin on a tall building or in a car you're a killer who creeps up to you in a crowd and there's your unexpected house caller your marksman in a park van and the revolver through the window of your car so avoid crowds and always keep away from windows uh commander could i suggest perhaps we have uh bulletproof curtains for the office they'll be here by lunchtime sir and we'll fit them in your london flat in your constituency residence when we do the whole place over do it over it's just the usual special locks sweeps security alarms 24-hour patrols by the local staff that sort of thing phone taps so on just the usual thing you'll have a bodyguard of several men all around the clock so never answer your own front door in person and keep your car windows up the doors locked while you're driving never draw up the car on the pavement side at traffic lights you don't want a terrorist to jump in and kidnap you do yourself no of course you don't now if he draws his car across in front of yours don't ram it in the middle go for one of the axles and sweep it aside that's it now bombs car bombs you know all about the letter and the parcel so never open any yourself but for the time being i'm having them redirected now poisons well obviously you're going to be suspicious of any gifts of food or drink chocolate sweets and so on but check the milk bottle caps every morning for hypodermic holes and uh don't forget the old umbrella with the poison needle in the ferrule jabbed into the calf all right now accidents right never walk along the outside edge of any pavement river jetty wharf or railway platform we don't want to make it too easy for them do we say especially the electric railway so avoid the chew an electrocution is that's another of their favorites little tinkering with the telly the kettle the fire the toaster the hi-fi the electric blanket and bob's your uncle you're a late uncle [Music] so they have to be checked every time any questions good well uh here's your list of uh standard safety precautions i'll be in touch oh thank you commander so if you are pushed out of a high window and there's iron railings underneath try and land on your head quicker well i don't follow you say that you're out to stop bugging and phone tapping and now you get this petition two and a quarter million signatures a terrific boost for your case and you won't even give me a quote saying you welcome it what about a promise to implement its main recommendations well it's not quite as simple as that walter why not well there are security implications there always were okay i think i'll make it an even bigger story minister rejects his own petition ah no no hold on are you accepting it or rejecting it no my editor wants me to ask if being on the freedom army death list has altered your views on phone tapping in any way but i also like to explain this sudden change of tune no no no change of tune uh cancer humphrey have a moment i'm free what we do for you well would you excuse us yes i'm so sorry i won't be a minute i'll wait out there thank you so much well did you have a good weekend minister marvellous just me and annie and half of the special branch oh yeah those romantic rosas with smith and wesson's under their armpits unforgettable ah the burdens of office this can't go on humphreys now i'm glad you said that minister because it isn't going to we just heard from the special branch that your protection is being withdrawn oh now wait a minute i i i i didn't mean that why well the police have suffered an acute personnel establishment shortfall they're short-staffed so they can no longer continue protecting you short stopped it's because of a much more real and dangerous threat to the soviet premier at the chequers meeting tomorrow but he's russian i'm british well the uh special branch have reason to believe that the threat to your life has been diminished how do they know surveillance they overheard a conversation what did it say oh i don't think it's of any i'm humphrey i have a right to know well it was a conversation to the effect that um in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda they said that that was the gist of it what does it mean in english well it means that uh they don't think that you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you oh now i don't agree with them of course oh you mean right you mean they should assassinate no no no you mean you don't think i'm important enough no i mean you are important enough but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway well that's marvelous isn't it not that i was ever really worried what's the british chemical corporation up to in my constituency well they will shortly be announcing a very exciting project involving new jobs and new investment yes but there's some very worrying rumors about this new project rumors about dangerous chemicals all chemicals are dangerous it just appears the minister means that the rumors are completely unfounded there's no cause for love all the same can i have your assurance jim that first of all there'll be a full public inquiry actually public inquiry the minister was about to say there's absolutely no need for public inquiry the matter is being fully investigated already and a report will be issued shortly listen i came here to talk to jim and indeed you are talking to him but he's not answering you are the minister and i are of one mind whose mind your mind oh [Laughter] listen i've heard on the grapevine that this factory will be making the chemical that poison cerveza in north italy no that's not true isn't it the chemical in cerveza was dioxin this is metadioxane but that must be virtually the same thing it's just a similar name it's the same name with meta stuck on the front that makes all the difference why what does meta mean what does meta mean humphrey oh it's about simple it means with or after sometimes beyond this from the greek of course in other words with or after darks and sometimes beyond oxygen it depends whether it's the accusative or the genitive with the accusative it's beyond or after with a genitive it's with as in latin of course as you no doubt obviously recall where the ablative is used for words needing a sense of with to precede them oh but of course there isn't an ablative in greek is this well done see not exactly no today i should have thought that was perfectly plain what i insist on knowing is what is the actual difference between dioxin and meta dioxide it's quite simple metadioxane is an inert compound of dioxin yes i i think i follow that out free but uh could you explain it a little more clearly in what sense minister what does inert mean it means it's not hurt wouldn't her to fly what did you say ben oh oh nothing but what does that mean in practical terms what do you mean chemically yes chemically yes what does it mean chemically well i i'm not sure i'm explaining layman's language uh it's um do you know any chemistry humphrey of course not minister i was in the scholarship form classics and lots of compound while we're at it don't you know any chemistry either no do you we are too hungry well a compound is uh it's well you know what compound interest is yeah well jolly good thing to enjoy compound interest well that's the sort of thing a compound is yes well that's it then to sum up i think we're all of the same mind broadly speaking about this and we are ready to go ahead with the proposals i've said no such thing we've agreed that the only difference is in the name dioxin and metadioxane it's like littler and hitler i mean nobody's suggesting you're like adolf hitler just because their names are around the same that's not the point well what is the point the point is that this factory is in my constituency but it'll be good for the constituency more jobs more money the only people we can possibly offend would be a few cranky environmentalists at most i should say it couldn't cost us more than 100 votes my majority is 91. how does it feel richard to move from the commons to the laws like moving from animals to the vegetables oh thank you my dear good to see you pete now come and meet an old friend of mine jim hacker jim this is professor henderson professor henderson i must say i didn't expect to see the minister oh what a coincidence yes what a coincidence you two know each other then well we haven't actually met no but i'm writing a report for the minister's department well what a coincidence yes what a coincidence stranger now i expect you're very happy with my report oh absolutely delighted you must have worked very hard well most of the work was done by the fda in washington uh well if you'll excuse me i'll go and help my wife with the team tell me have you ever written a government report before uh no because you know your name will be on it forevermore the henderson report it's a kind of immortality yes i hadn't thought of it like that and you if anything were to go wrong go wrong if this uh metadioxin would turn out to be not quite as safe as you say it is your career very courageous none of the standard tests on meta dioxin show any evidence of teratogenic toxicity standard test it's quite what do you mean well you know i was making a few notes in the train as i was coming down huh and of course i'm not a biochemist but it would appear that the american report leaves some important questions unanswered well some of the evidence is inconclusive some of the findings have been questioned and the figures are open to other interpretations different results might come from a wider and more detailed study over a longer time scale well obviously yes but but but you see if anything were to go wrong i mean even in 10 years time a delayed effect the press would go straight to your report and if it were to turn out that uh you'd ever well for instance done um laboratory trials for a multinational drug company that was 15 years ago 14. you know what the press is like even if there's no basis no smoke without a fire could be a millstone the press would be absolutely merciless especially the popular press i mean if anything went wrong death agony of henderson report victims yes yes i don't know what to do i i mean i can't alter the evidence meta dioxin is a safe drug the report has to say so oh quiet i can see you have no choice come along you two stop talking shop our professor of economics is dying to talk to you oh yeah you're not worried about this aboard you though peter you know i've done lots of these things it's only the phrasing of the conclusion that you have to worry about that's all the press i will read now um how does it end up now well i just say on the existing evidence the committee can see no reason not to proceed yes well it's just a question of a tiny little bit of uh re-drafting uh while the committee feel there's no reason for them not to proceed on the existing evidence it uh must be emphasized that metadioxane is a comparatively recent compound and it would be irresponsible to deny that uh after further research its manufacture might be proved to be associated with health risks something of that sort yes yes well that seems perfectly fair could you just say that again better than that i'll jot it down for you good things are hungry oh good evening nice to see you thank you very much yeah arnold when will we know about the reshuffle a little while yet any news here about my department give me a chance humphrey i'm only a cabinet secretary i'm not the political correspondent of the new standard but um how does my minister stand oh i think the prime minister feels he's done all right but there's been an interesting development hmm what have asked if he'd be available for the next commissionership if he wanted it after all he's a good european in strict confidence so you think that he might be gently eased out well that's good right would you like coffee bernard oh uh thank you very much pull up a chair george bringing a coffee with you well bennett how do you feel about having a new minister do you mean he's no no so humphrey is merely a conjecture ah well of course i'd be very sorry uh why wouldn't you well of course not but the minister's just starting to get a grip on the job exactly ministers with a grip on the job are a bit of a nuisance you know they argue but all ministers argue yes but if they've got a grip on the job there's a real danger that they might be right one tells them that something is impossible and they dig out an old paper in which one had said it was easy very tedious the moment they've gone one can wipe the slate clean and start again with a new boy wonderful things reshuffles and prime ministers like them too fresh decisive keeps everyone on the hop it's only ministers who panic about them wouldn't it be interesting if ministers were fixed and permanent secretaries were shuffled around that bernard would strike at the very heart of the system that has made britain what she is today power goes with permanence impermanence is impotence and rotation is castration it's time they all had a little spin yes but uh surely in a democracy thank you bernard that'll be all uh yes but i've only just thank you bernard uh hey yes sir thank you sir humphrey uh uh good night sir arnold though if your minister does take brussels i wouldn't get out the champagne too soon humphrey what do you mean there is talk of his possible successor at your department who i don't quite know how to put this but well basil corbett uh yes yes fine fine what's it about it's the proposed visit to the world processing conference in brussels the word processing confidence ah humphrey you'll be pleased to hear that i have changed my mind i shall be going to brussels after all you're resigning from the department of administration no no no no no no i'm talking about this word processing conference oh i see but i would like to see brussels for myself anyway why why not why not indeed but why i'm a curious person you certainly are minister and i think i've been a little hasty i found your arguments on behalf of brussels thoroughly convincing minister i've been reflecting on your views and i find much truth and wisdom in your criticism of brussels no now you've implied that you're just corrupt and overlooked my eyes no no no no no no no no no no it is you who have convinced me no no no i i am now convinced that brussels is full of dedicated men all bearing a heavy burden of travel and entertainment they need all that luxury they are drinking caviar and champagne private planes air-conditioned mercedes well it oils the diplomatic wheels you know happened snouts in the trough that is not an attractive phrase oh i'm so sorry i can't think where i picked it up so we'll all go to this conference in brussels shall we agree yes sir yes is your change of heart about brussels entirely to do with my argument yes of course dude it wouldn't have anything to do with the rumor that you've been offered a post in brussels yourself i'm free that thought is not worthy of you there is such a thing as integrity [Music] oh yes thank you thank you corbett you can't let someone like call you simply can't let someone like corbett loose on the department to be disastrous i mean everything one says to call it appears in the sun the next morning glad to know you read the sun yes you really must stop it arnold i implore you i'm not the prime minister no but it is really you who arranges the reshuffle though isn't it oh no if there's an appointment the pm is really set on the cabinet secretary must reluctantly acquiesce but i mean you you do keep your hand on the tiller well if hacker decides to turn down brussels it will make it a lot easier to keep corbett away from your department well i'm afraid this is the trouble i think he's got to take brussels oh as i know he says he believes in the european ideal yeah no no but you know how it is with politicians they get taken in by their own speeches this is partly your fault you know humphrey you've blocked hacker time and again what only in the interests of good government um donald quite but what you really need now is for hacker to have a big success in the next day or two a big success yes the next day or two that would give me give the pm a very good case for keeping him where he is then we might be able to move corbett to uh employment oh why is fred definitely going yeah it keeps falling asleep in cabinet i thought they all did yes but not while they're actually talking you know things are changing fast we live in a world of change the silicon chip is changing our lives the quality of life is becoming more and more important the environment conservation problems of pollution the future of our children and our children's children these are today's issues there is quite rightly an increasing concern about high-rise buildings i'm happy to be able to reassure all of you who are members of the architectural association [Music] look in your inside pocket you didn't um i made a speech yesterday and um anyway it's a great pleasure to be here with you all at the city farm today you know things are changing fast we live in a world of change the silicon chip is changing our lives the quality of life is going on more important environment conservation to the way of life for children in inner cities and we in the government feel that they have a vital part to play in our children's educational and social life and we shall do all we can to help this movement to flourish happy birthday sioux has just arrived can we do the interview now please yes uh set it up with the most attractive children and animals would you but of course thank you for saying that man it's a pleasure can we really rely on your support well of course you can you see our lease is running out at the end of the year and we have to get it extended that isn't quite within my sphere of influence but i'll certainly do all i can to help too to help this movement to flourish i minister would you come and do the interview yeah uh this is nationwide what a very great pleasure i do believe i'm one of your greatest fans probably the greatest i'm sorry to uh sorry to button minister but um uh could we have a moment or two for the children and staff to get autographs autographs certainly yes all right come on come on that's enough come on yeah come on now what was it you wanted to say in this interview well i thought if we could begin i would ask a couple of questions of the warden and then come to you for your comments yes certainly uh where would you like us to be i think i think on the edge here really with perhaps some animals and some children oh yes i am splendid uh super well this is just sweet little girl here on your knee mr hacker all right uh come on let's get on with it shall we come on warden i understand that the lease of this wonderful city farm is due to run out at the end of the year yes we have been very worried about this but i've just had a word with the minister mr hacker here and he has indicated that he will make sure that this farm can carry on minister how are you going to ensure that the city farm keeps on running well um the fact is and let me make this perfectly clear the quality of life is becoming more and more important the environment conservation problems of pollution the future of our children [Music] and our children's children these are today's issues minister thank you very much indeed thank you mrs phillips minister who's mrs phillips uh the warden of the city farm you visited yesterday ah she pleased with the publicity i got for her well she doesn't seem too pleased why not she's just heard the farm is being closed mr release is up at the end of the year and she just said it's being turned into a car park for inland revenue inspectors my god what will they say about this children and animals evicted by taxman minister goes back on tv pledge oh my heaven this must be stopped but don't just stand there do something bill what idiot authorized that oh you did minister the administrative order you signed yesterday giving government departments power to take over local authority land uh section seven sub section three free yes he's on his way minister and i'm afraid mrs phillips is waiting in the private office phillips is the last person i want to see this is the greatest disaster this century bernard there were two world wars fighting on the beaches is one thing evicting cuddly animals and children to make room for tax inspectors cars is quite another league ah humphrey oh minister i saw you on television last night what a treat never mind about television what's this about the city farm being closed uh yes well the treasury acting yeah but it's got to be stopped well unfortunately it is a treasury decision and beyond our jurisdiction i shall revoke the order uh well unfortunately that is impossible or very difficult or highly inadvisable or would require legislation one of those in any case it could not invalidate an action taken while the order was in force so the queen and the pope judas ah hey look here you promise to support us well uh you must see that our lease is renewed dear lady i'm afraid it's not within the minister's mr hacker you have given your word are you going to keep it well of course i i shall leave no no stonehenge and every avenue everything done that is humanly possible you mean no no i mean yes i mean no no yes i mean well definitely not no yes i mean no don't say i haven't warned you my husband is deputy features editor of the express tomorrow morning your name will be manure you will be roasted alive by the whole of the national press well it falls to few people to be within the space of 24 hours both in france's anse and joan something must be done to stop this farm closing otherwise i shall look at complete yes oh apparently sir desmond glazed brooks outside facebook what does he want i can't imagine yeah send him in after all this is open day at the department of administrative affairs uh minister i just happened to be passing i've uh had an idea really if you were to give us uh permission for an extra nine stories are you really asking for six oh yes but if you were to give us nine extra stories yeah we could postpone phase three for seven years that would leave this side vacant well well i was reading this morning in the in the financial times about your visit to the city farm i thought it was a jolly good wheeze and you see um our phase three site is only 200 yards from it so you could use it to extend the farm or if they had to move for any reason it's actually a bit larger we thought of calling it the james hacker cuddly animal sanctuary well uh animal sanctuary anyway and then nine stories really isn't very much is it the james hacker animal secretary hmm you know humphrey i think government has got to be awfully careful about throttling small businesses uh the bank isn't actually a small business it would be if we throttled it bernard well bennett have you enjoyed having your minister out of the office for a week oh not very much haven't you why it makes things very difficult oh burner the minister's absence is a godsend you can do the job properly for once no silly questions no bright ideas no fussing about what the papers are saying you know bernard i sometimes think our minister doesn't believe that he exists unless he's reading about himself in the papers i'll bet you the first thing he says when he gets into the office is any press reports on my washington speech uh how much do you bet a pound done uh he won't because he's already asked in the car on the way back from heathrow you're learning but so you see why our minister's absence is a good thing oh yes but so much work piles up spend it out what with a couple of days briefing before he goes and the debriefing and backlog when he gets back we can keep him out of the department's hair for a fortnight then for the next six months whenever he complains about not being informed about something we can tell him he came up while he was away is this why we're having so many uh summit conferences well of course that's the only way the country works concentrate all apart at number 10 then send the pm away to the ec summits nato summits commonwealth summits anywhere then the cabinet secretary can get on with running the country properly anyway we ought to be seeing him now what do you think of the minister's washington speech to peter wrote british government administration is a model of loyalty integrity and efficiency there's a ruthless war on wastewater cutting bureaucracy to the bone listen britain could teach the world and is it true can we prove it oh bad a good speech isn't one where we can prove the minister is telling the truth it's one in which nobody else can prove that he's lying oh yes but uh even so i uh yeah well i'm sure peter did a frightfully good job on it and everything but i just uh wondered whether perhaps it might have been a bit boring for the audience well of course it was boring brought the pants off them ghastly they have to sit through it i should think well well then i mean minister speeches aren't written for the audience they're speaking to bernard oh man delivering a speech is just a formality you have to go through in order to get the press release into the papers we can't worry about entertaining people we're not scriptwriters for a comedian well not a professional one anyway no the point is that the speech said the right things but why does it have to be said in public but it's vital once the speech is printed the minister is committed to defending us in front of select committees and things but he defends us anyway well only to a point bernard once something goes wrong the minister's first instinct is to rat on his department so we write him a speech that makes him nail his trousers to the mast oh you mean his uh colors to the mask no nelly's trousers to the mast then he can't climb down come on ah welcome home minister uh-huh bernard didn't you say there were some press cuttings of my washington speech somewhere uh yes yes i put them in the box um actually it was an error which occurred before certain important facts were known and i can assure you it is an oversight that couldn't possibly happen again wouldn't you agree minister so humphries replies perfectly correct the correct official reply but i have been thinking very deeply over the last few days since the last week and there's no doubt in my mind that this committee is on to something of course there's and of course excuses can always be found in individual cases but you have convinced me that our whole approach is wrong ministers and their civil servants so often cover up and defend where they should seek out man destroy i have spoken to mr malcolm rhodes the author of this invaluable book and he has agreed to head an independent outside inquiry into the whole field of government administration starting with my department and uh how does humphrey react to this oh is in complete agreement with me we work as a team uh don't we humphrey if i may say so he has a pleasure to work with but minister this account of what's been going on doesn't square with what you were saying in your washington speech about a ruthless war on waste well i'm an old-fashioned sort of chap betty and i believe in a thing called loyalty whatever you say about your chapter private you defend them in public isn't that so hungry in that case aren't you being rather disloyal to them now no i believe that a minister has a higher loyalty a loyalty to parliament a loyalty to the nation and that loyalty must be paramount however hard however painful that may be well of course one is loyal to one's department and to one's officials until the evidence is overwhelming but i must now say in public what i've long said in private that reforms can and will take place and i know that in this i shall find it to hamper my staunchest allies and that's her humphrey yes minister yes minister that was a big help minister well i did my best you did your best for yourself so this is your idea of teamwork is it almost amusing well i had to do it you had to do what cravenly admit everything to that committee don't you realize how calamitous this has been for us well not both of us i hope you hope in vain minister the department is up in arms they'll have very little confidence in you in the future and as for number 10 well i shudder to think how the pm will react your public admission of failure a personal letter from the prime minister i did warn you minister bernard perhaps you should give some thought to drafting a face-saving letter of resignation the minister dear jim did jim we haven't seen enough of each other lately would you be free to come to lunch at checkers on sunday we shall just be the family do please bring annie and lucy i look forward so much to seeing you i don't think i can it's paid off it has paid ah i a conspiracy that drink with mark spencer i haven't seen enough of each other lunch it check it just the phone and look it's handwritten you'll realize humphrey how much this is worth i believe the going rate is 30 pieces of silver minister you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 494,000

Rating: 4.8286166 out of 5

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, jim hacker, yes minister, yes prime minister, paul eddington, nigel hawthorne, sir humphrey appleby, yes minister season 3, yes minister season 1, yes minister a quality of life, yes minister the challange, classic comedy, bernard woolley, derek fowlds, a quality of life

Id: ynGg8r0zfzI

Length: 52min 51sec (3171 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 02 2021