Hugh Laurie's Funniest Moments! | BBC Comedy Greats

some of you may be wondering how my colleague came by this bandage upon his head it's very simple a nurse put it on what the colleague is trying to say if he had but the words is that this afternoon he sustained an accident to his head vince run that tape if you'd be so careful to do exactly as you're told i hereby declare this second episode of a bitter fry and lorry open [Music] [Applause] you hear me old chinese meal um i must ask you this uh have you sustained any loss of memory as a result of that accident i think it's only fair to warn you that if you say what accident i shall squirt lemon juice into you um none whatever which is a blessing oh well it is good news i have lost my memory though sir if i may mix a bold a major crisis has arisen in your affairs yes i know blackhead i've been pondering it all morning you have some yes socks run out again why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks i buy i never seem to have any sir with your forgiveness there is another even weightier problem they just disappear honestly you think someone was coming in here stealing the damn things and then selling them off impossible sir only you and i have access to your socks yes yes you're right still for me socks are like sex tons a bit about and i never seem to get any sir if i may return to this very urgent matter i read fearful news in this morning's paper oh no not another little cat caught up in a tree no sir there is a voter foot in the new parliament to strike you from the civil list oh yes yes yes but what are they gonna do about my socks sir if this bill goes through you won't have any socks well i've got any socks at the moment or trousers shirts whiskers or pantaloons they're going to bankrupt you they can't do that why the public love me only the other day i was out in the street and they sang we hail prince george we hail prince george we hate prince george we hate prince jordan i wear sophisticated clothes i say sophisticated things everything about me says i'm a sophistication king but when i'm with you can't seem to find my cool [Music] yeah when i'm with you i just sit there and drool [Music] i got sophisticated hands i got sophisticated feet a sophisticated car parked on sophistication street but when i'm with you [Music] you can't seem to find my cool [Music] yeah when i'm with you i'm just a dribbling fool [Music] when you look at me and just start to flirt i have to wipe the dribble off the front of my shirt when you ask me what's on my mind all i can think the answer is sophisticated food i breathe sophisticated air run a sophisticated comb through my sophisticated hair but when i'm with you you can't seem to find my cool yeah when i'm with you i'm just a dribbling fool [Music] and the vehicle does belong to you does it sir were you driving it at the time uh yes i was yes all right just have your name visa right sir hold on a second ready yes my name is derek what are you doing that's my name what is this derrick what derrick is your name yes what kind of name is that well it's my name a bit unusual isn't it mr uh if i had a pound for every time someone had said that to me um how do you spell mister it's as it sounds yeah but if you wouldn't mind spending it well i mean can't you i would be very grateful if you would spell it for me all right then n i p p l hyphen e nipple thank you bob nipple nipple where what are you talking about n i p p l e hyphen e hyphen e my book spells nipple it does not spell have you gone mad what are you talking about i thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit you can't even spell all right mr nipple if i can have your address please you talking to me yes you want to know my address yes please or do you want to know mr nipple's address your address please my address right my address is number 22 the king's law watch it what just watch it what's what forever do you realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious effect yes i imagine it probably is very serious but giving your address to a policeman on the other hand probably isn't so serious or is it perhaps the law's changed since i last looked perhaps the home secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever all right all right let's just check this with you shall we mr uh yes your address is 22. oh no no what's the matter with you look it's 22. king's lynn oh i'm sorry i thought it was 22. kingsley well it isn't you know it's funny from some angles it looks like 22. kingsley that was too yeah well like you say sir we should get a typewriter that was too hard well you must admit uh difficult to dress to get the hang of it never mind the frigging sketch that was too hard that really hurt [Applause] [Music] he's just a child really no don't stop sir it's coming it's definitely coming i just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade is really the sort of thing that covers the king and country are made of they will be when i've painted them being shoved up the kaiser's backside ah now now this is interesting what is well private baldrick is obviously a bit of an impressionist the only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent what's it called baldi the vomiting cavalier [Music] looks like that's not supposed to be vomit it's dabs of light no it's vomit yes so why did you choose that you told me to sir did i yeah you told me to paint whatever comes from within so i did my breakfast look there's a little tomato if only i'd paid attention in nursery art class instead of spending my entire time manufacturing papier-mache willie's to frighten sarah wallace you know it's funny but painting was the only thing i was ever only good at come on it's a pity you didn't keep it up well as a matter of fact i did actually i mean i mean normally of course i wouldn't show them to anyone because they're just embarrassing dorbz really but you know they give me pleasure embarrassed to show them to you now is is it happens but there you go for what they're worth to be honest i just should have my hands cut off george these are brilliant why didn't you tell us about these before oh doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet you might at least have told us you had a trumpet [Music] these paintings could spell my way out of the trenches yours that's right ours all we have to do is paint something heroic to appeal to the simple-minded tommy over to you baldrick um how about a noble tommy standing with a look of horror and disgust over the body of a murdered nun what's been brutally done over by a nasty old german excellent i i can see it now the nun and the hunt no time to lose george sat up your easel pawdrick and i will pose this is going to be art's greatest moment since mona lisa sat down and told leonardo da vinci she was in a slightly odd mood or if you lie down in the mud and be the nun i'm not lying down there it's all wet let's put it this way either you lie down and get wet or you knock down and get a broken nose actually it's not that wet is it new what are you going to be then sir the noble tommy precisely standing over the body of the rubbish nun i want a wimple we should have gone before we started the picture you know the funny thing is my father was a nun he wasn't he was so sir i know because whenever he was up in court and the judge used to say occupation he'd say none [Music] right you ready all right just about so yes um if you just like to pop your clothes on the stool [Music] i'm sorry just pop your clothes on the stool over there you mean you want me tackle out yes if i can remind you of the realities of battle george one of the first things that everyone notices is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on neither we nor the hudden favor fighting our battle's own natural what's sad it's it's artistic license it's it's willing a suspension of disbelief well i'm not having anyone staring in disbelief with my willy suspension now get on and paint the bloody thing sharpish you're a parent you have children you want those children to become premier league footballers well this is the place for you the dave wilson school in ipswich in the heart of london's east end now the name of dave wilson will be familiar to anyone who knows it and to those who followed the fortunes of reading town reserves during the dark days of the 1970s oh yeah they were dark they were they were very very dark days i actually thought them was dark but no you mentioned it they they were so dark dave played in a total of two games for the side before a cartilage snapped in his head okay next one following the accident dave tried his hand at many things astrologer nike carbona interior designer shadow home secretary the jobs came and went but nothing seemed to stick until dave turned up one day to watch his nephew playing for the school sign yeah well i saw a chance you know to get involved uh you know football's been good to me i i saw a chance for something right now listen okay now football is a very simple game what is it right now what is the object of the game of football run into the box one at a time ricky off you go what i'm really trying to do here is to teach fundamental footballing skills at the earliest possible age i've actually started teaching my eight-month-old son and i've got to say he's a natural falls over like a diamond yo listen a lot of you as you go not getting your head back okay nice and loose in the neck as you get into the box a lot of height goes like this okay [Laughter] [Applause] same applies for the static four right that's when you run into the box you've forgotten to fall over you're just standing there okay nice and loose in the neck and okay then limping two legs in the pitch go dance in the change room what is it never you mind what that is right you live come here makes you sick isn't it right listen i'm gonna say this once and once only okay martin has found this in the changing room right now then i don't want to see any of you mucking around with these things okay any one of you sees one of these i want you tell me or mr collins immediately all right you want to make it to the top it's training no one ever got on in football messing around with these things right this makes me sad so do you like heavy metal i quite like heavy metal but um i prefer something that wasn't quite so heavy what a bit lighter yeah slightly better would be nicer um only unfortunately light metal doesn't exist oh well that's where you're wrong because genital records have just issued a new compilation album really yes it's called light metal is it a completely new concept apparently oh and what's it called light metal goodness so it's like heavy metal but without the weight right do you know any examples of light metal well the main sex monsters of the whole scene at the moment yes are called the bishop and the warlord wow [Music] [Applause] [Music] i'm very much on the lookout for action at the moment baby i'm heading on for good times whichever way i choose uh i'm gonna pull back with my right hand get that front wheel off the ground and don't try and stop me because i'm not going to be around i'm a hard-headed woman i'm a on heat [Music] i've got a sophisticated body uh an easy action hips i've got long straight legs and red red ruby lips uh i'm looking for good loving baby that's what i aim to find because i'm a good time sister you can touch me i don't mind i'm a hard headed woman i'm a on heat hello captain about time where the hell have you been well i don't know it's all been like a dream my very first ball the music the dancing the champagne my mind is a mad world of half-whispered conversations with the promise of indiscretion never hanging in the air no do that old stoked milk should try for a snog behind the fruit cup certainly not general behave like a perfect gentleman we tired the moon without talking about everything and nothing the war marriage proposed changes to the lbw rule mulchid isn't married is he no no all his life he's been waiting to meet the perfect woman and at last tonight he did some poor unfortunate had old walrus face dribbling in her ear all evening did she well yes as a matter of fact i did have to drape a napkin over my shoulder yes george are you trying to tell me that you are the general's perfect woman well yes i rather think i am oh thank god the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him you did well how did you get out of that one well to be honest sir i'm not absolutely certain that i did what well i don't understand what it was like sir you know the candles the music the huge mustache you said yes oh drool sorry is a general i didn't really feel i could refuse you might have had me caught marshall whereas on the other hand of course he's going to give you the victoria cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night and finds himself looking at the last turkey in the shop i know it's a mess of it you see you got me scruffy and then when he looked into my eyes and said chipmunk i love you man yeah but it it it's his special name for me you see he says my nose looks just like a chipmunk oh god we're in a serious serious trouble here if the general ever finds out the gorgeous georgina is in fact a strapping six-footer from the rough end of the trench it could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said this guy fawkes bloke do we let him off or what hello i'm oprah winfrey and i'd like you to meet someone please say hello to luella de la tui hi tell us about yourself well my name is luella i'm 37 years of age i'm beautiful i'm intelligent i'm glamorous i'm attractive i'm warm i'm sensitive i'm caring i'm rich i'm sexy i'm i'm incredibly talented so uh what exactly is your problem luella i suffer from low self-esteem that's uh that's an absolute bugger isn't it um and how does that manifest itself well i i used to love myself i used to think that i was great oh don't tell me you stopped thinking you were great that would be heartbreaking well i i stopped talking to myself i stopped seeing myself what i really am i guess i started to take myself for granted let's have a pointless round of applause there can we um so thank you all right so uh luella um what did you do next well i confronted myself you know i i waited until i got home one day and i confronted myself i said i said hey lady what are you doing you know how unbearably tense and um how did you respond well you know i started to shift around and started blaming all kinds of other things but in the end you know i had to admit that yes i was sleeping with someone else i don't think i've ever been more emotionally knotted up than i am at the moment um ask a question oh oh i'd just like to ask luella where she gets her strength from uh the lady here wants to know where the mascaraed ass you get your strength from well now can can i answer that with a question can she oh i'd like that she'd like that right well i want you to do something for me i want you to stand in front of a mirror okay take all your clothes off every no hey look i'm serious it's what i did you know i stood naked in front of a mirror and i looked to myself and i said i love me i love me for what i am i love my whining aggression you know i love my hideous suffocating self-pity i love i love the fact that i'm a neurotic and that i demand the world's respect without having to do a single thing to earn it i'm me i'm special i'm crazy about the way i am now will you do that for me i surely will right well i think we better take a vomit break now but don't go away sorry i'm late sorry uh i've kept you waiting uh that's rude of me sorry okay right now let's get cracking um who's had a chance to look at romeo and juliet since last week no uh well i know you know you've all been busy difficult to make time but uh anybody at all no okay good right so you're you're all coming to it fresh that's probably better in fact in fact well done good um right now uh first of all this is mr lewis he's just popped in to see how all getting on uh just ignore him uh well don't ignore him but uh you know uh well here's an interesting i wonder who can tell me what ignore means anyone tell me what ignore means nobody right okay ignore means um uh not to pay too much attention to something not all that tony wake up thanks uh not to be all that bothered by something uh if you like tony was ignoring me just then okay so so that's ignore right well who'd like me to write it down should we write it down hands up who'd like me to write it down ignore no one okay so we're happy with ignoring good all right then oh yeah uh rosie it's uh it's b-a-s-t-a-r-d yeah otherwise good um right now romeo and juliet uh what do you think should we talk about it first and then read it or or or i mean hands up who'd like to talk about it first no okay well i agree let's let's just get straight in and read it forever and say um i always like to get him involved as soon as possible okay so romeo and juliet um do we have a juliet who'd like to read julian anybody hey dutch what about romeo i'm gonna have a romeo yeah a couple of romeo's mommy what one one room are you uh no okay fine i'll i'll read them both because then you can get a chance to this is juliet speaking right uh uh will that be gone it's not yet yet near day it was the nighter gail not the lark um uh uh the pierce the the fearful hollow of thine likely she sings on yond pomegranate tree believe me love it was the nightingale uh this is romeo now um it was the lock the herald of the moor no nightingale look love what envious streaks do lace the severing clouds in yonder east okay now uh right having heard that from what you've just heard what relevance do you think romeo and juliet has to today's britain who thinks he's got any any relevance at all no one okay right so so we think it's irrelevant do we ah uh interesting right so nobody we don't think it's relevant we don't think it's irrelevant either yeah sort of it's sort of in between yeah it's in kind of a gray area now this is interesting good well done um why do you think why do you think shakespeare wrote something that was in a gray area what did he mean by it did he mean anything by it or maybe he's just just being stupid um who thinks that hands up those people who think shakespeare was being stupid no sorry all right now that was stupid no that was being stupid so we don't think shakespeare was stupid but he was writing in a gray area why all right why you all think about that one i'm just gonna come out with an opinion that is just an opinion so you can all shout me down as usual um and that is that romeo and juliet is about love uh we have love we do love in today's britain so romeo and juliet therefore isn't wasn't irrelevant everything about that anybody agree with that right no so nobody agrees with it but did anyone find it helpful at all nobody right no you're right yeah i was being unhelpful there that's stupid on me i shouldn't i've just got i've just clouded the whole issue now i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm just holding you back um well who'd like me to stay i mean hands up those people who'd like me to stay would you like me no one right i i no i agree i agree you're right i'm sorry britain has the finest trade the finest armies the finest navies in the world and what do we have for royalty a mad kraut sausage sucker and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself the sunnier dead the better you're very kind now you're no doubt anxious to catch up with the latest news of the war i have here the most recent briefs from my general in the field yes well if you could just pop them in the laundry basket on the way out t yes immediately [Music] now let's turn to the second front my lord oh yes now as i understand it uh napoleon is in north africa and nelson is stationed in alaska your highness in case boney should try and trick us by coming via the north pole yes perhaps a preferable stratagem your grace might be to hurry him amid chips as he leaves the mediterranean uh trafalgar might be quite good well i'll mention it to nelson i don't say i'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you your highness i'd been told by everybody that the prince was a confunded oh no no no no oh helen buckshot here's that tiresome servant of yours again oh dare you sir in the presence of your beggars get up oh crap yes i forgot you speak when you're spoken to only you've got to be flayed across a gun garage well sir i fear you have been too long a soldier we no longer treat servants that way in london society why i hardly touched the man i think you hit him very hard nonsense that would have been i just hit him like that a soft hit would be like this whereas you hit him like this i wonder if i might be excused your highness your highness i'm sorry about that sir but one has to keep up the pretense i don't quite understand you you carry on the good work very well sir hey hon this is bloody coffee i ordered tea i heard everywhere that the prince was the embassy whereas his servant blackadder was respected about the town now that i discovered the truth i'm disposed to beat you to death team what you got in there i'm sorry what you got in there i wonder uh a cat you've got a mog in there have you got a kitty puss lovely this is clover my daxy i've always had daxes i like smooth-coated dax's best really is that right so what sort of mogwog is your kissy puss is it um uh tapples or a tomtom or what burmese oh burmy i love a burme is it a girl or a boy burme oh christ uh it's um it's male 1 hello mr burme what's your name then yes you can't speak actually ah but they can understand every word you say can't they not much evidence for that my first taxi my first ever taxi was called scully i named him after hugh scully who presents the antiques roadshow i love that program don't you pervertedly do you know what i do of a sunday every day after we've had our walk because clever and i always go walkings of a sunday well you know just clover and me and of course my little pooper scooper uh uh because that nasty parky man doesn't like to see poochie poop on his best grass does he no so oh christ and of course i don't like to see poochie poop on my best carpet and if i do clover knows she can expect a visit from the smack fairy so we come back and i make myself a cheese and tomato toastie a what the cheese and what tomato tomato tomato tomato tomato don't say it again i made myself a cheese and tummy toe toasty sometimes two toasties and an old muggles of tea and i just snudge it down in front of the television and i watch the roadshow i love my sunday afternoonies jesus god help and of course if it isn't the road show it might be that animal program with desmond desmond morris ah yes but we call him desmond in our household cause he's like a friend he's like an old chum is desmond or we might watch masterchef with loidy or the closest show with jeff banksy wanksy we love our sunday afters don't we clover so what's wrong with mr burme what mr burme why is he coming to see betty lou as you go to paulie tums did you just say betty lou sore throaty hmm what's the matter with mr burme i brought him in to be killed excuse you he's got cancer of the liver i've brought him in to be put to death cancer yes cancer of the liver yes i can't see wency you've got kenzie diddleys then have you mr burnley you're going to be put to death is are you is your little heart going to be made to stop your walk are they going to go killi chum chums are they going to put your coldy worldly body wad in the grandy wound are they hey clover yeah what can i do for you i'd like to have this man put down please [Applause] another one please barbin you sure what no offense but this will be a seventh you just keep him coming right up your funeral come again my wife oh she doesn't understand me she's never understood me what uh polish or something of you you ever been have you ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despised not since i was nine do you like it straight up what all with ice nice cocktail onion no she thanks no interest in my friends you know she laughs at my peanuts hobbies she doesn't even value my crinkle cut cheese he watched it career you know it's just so depressing all right so other men have got larger plums salaries that are prospects and and other men can can boast a healthier looking stool lifestyle all right you know so so i i haven't got loads of cash hanging around you know but i can play other people are worse off i've got a job i've got two sweet rosy nibbles she's always going on and on and on about my appearance i mean it's not as if she's an oil painting you know i mean frankly she's plain and prawn flavored she's not as young as she used to be herself i don't know i'd bother with women i'd be better off being a fruit a monk or a hermit or something at least if i was a at least if i was a monk you know i wouldn't have to put up with women you know women going on and on who can talk behind leg off a cable you know zombies i couldn't live without women here in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of chocolate hobnob peace and spirituality let's face it we haven't slept together for years you know the best i can hope for is a bit of savoury finger [Applause] and naturally she won't let me give her so much as a good juicy tongue in the back passage this is a peck on the cheek i'll tell you i tell you that the trouble with that woman is that she's just a rather disgusting looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago i'll tell you what it is she's a complainer that's what she is complaining well one one more for the road i think barman certainly uh anything would go with it bag of oral sex if you've got one as we rehearsed poetry first sausage later so what if harold the horny hunter should do the trick just remind me of it sir harold the horde hunter had an enormous horn it is absolutely excellent sir however might i suggest an alternative lovely little dumpling how in love i am let me be your shepherdkins you can be my lamb well i think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out onto the balcony and vomit over us just stand right here sir right call for her romantically right all right come on out here you yes yes tis i your gorgeous little love bundle oh george i think you must be the snuggling ugliest lumpkin in the whole of toyland what was that um nothing there was just a little fly in my throaty do you want the hanky one kid you got the flemish right is there someone else down there with you no no no it was just the wind whistling through the trees and making a noise that sounded like four cry [Music] oh joy then come prince cuddly kitten climb up my ivy sausage time down there with you oh my god yes yes so there is a filthy intruder spying on our love oh hit him george hit him very well would you mind screaming your highness take that and that and that you're so brave and i am so worn out with all the excitement i better go sleepy bobos otherwise i'll be all crossed in the morning night and night georgie pogie nighty whitey amy weimi i think it works sir in the morning i shall go in and ask her father you go out and start spending his money i can't stand meanness when it comes to wedding presents and well done sir you were brilliant was i yes sir but i'm in agony well that's love for you sir i come as emissary of the prince of wales with the most splendid news he wants your daughter amy for his wife well his wife can't have her maybe sir to come here with such a suggestion man sir or i shall take off my belt and buy thunder my trousers will fall down sir sir you misunderstand he wants to marry your lovely daughter oh oh can i be possibly true surely lovers never cross such boundaries of class what about you and mum well yes yes i granted when i first met her i was the farmer's soulmate she was just the lasso ate the dung but that was an exception yes yes all right he was a pig poker and she was the duchess of argyll but i've not done with an uncle isaiah she was a milkmaid knee the pope yes yes or no i don't argue suffice it to say if you marry we need never be poor or hungry again sir we accept good so obviously you'll be wanting an enormous ceremony what did you say well obviously uh now we're marrying quality we'll never be poor hungry again meaning that you're poor and hungry at the moment oh yes we've been living off loud butties for five years now i'm so poor i use my underpants for drying dishes so you're skint hi well in that case the wedding's off my colleague 1 740 seconds have elapsed since first we welcome the viewing several into our lives for another evening of entertainment and hatred my colleague you've opened your mouth and the great truth has come out i'll save you embarrassment by pretending you never said that or anything like it he's firm but he's fair the great sandwich of broadcasting weird a bit of frying lauria perhaps but a thin slice of turkey breast we nourish but we don't cause wind i could have put it better myself what more he could do he could so now i'm a colleague we have to sweep up the broken shards and decaying lumps of the evening gather them into an old towel and heave them over the side fair breaks your heart doesn't it i turn to you now but colleague and i ask you to gaze down at the drinks menu and fix us a debonair cocktail selection oh well now this is a difficult choice choose carefully my colleague one choice brings certain death the other freedom well now you'd expect me to choose the silver prostate but then you'd know that i'd know that you'd expect that so really i should choose the boiling idiot but the boiling idiot's got campari in it and he knows that i hate campari so so so it'll be the silver prostate ha you've chosen why isn't it a little one yoda has taught you well the silver prostate does indeed bring freedom now to prepare a silver prostate at home you will need seven of the following a cocktail shaker a cocktail shaker shaker that's me a helping of liquor strega an assistance of puffetta lovely purple violet liqueur there a tit of maker's mark bourbon a rash of bayley's irish cream to throw away square lumps of frozen water sculpted into the shape of ice cubes and a farewell from news reader andrew harvey digitally recorded off air that's the national and international news tonight while i mix these together i turn to the debinar dwyer of the dance and i ask as askingly as i might this ask please mr music will you play [Applause] [Music] [Music] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] soupy twist you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 445,580

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, hugh laurie, stephen fry, blackadder, a bit of fry and laurie, rowan atkinson, the blackadder, black adder, hugh laurie blackadder, hugh laurie george, sketch comedy, funny videos, stand up comedy, fry and laurie football, fry and laurie police station, sketch comedy skits, sketch comedy writing

Id: gz7rHDQ_6Qg

Length: 42min 8sec (2528 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 17 2021