Blackadder Throughout The Ages | Blackadder | BBC Comedy Greats

[Applause] good evening lads this is Lord Lord one hey did it no yes you do launch was sounds me conversation above your head and first melty but but he'll soon get used to it well you must be Gwendolyn you invited anyway come in here sorry he's sick leprosy and the brain well he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devil's dumpling I got my earmuffs are pouring down cold no coal is God's Way of telling us to burn more Catholics which reminds me I'm Tim don't call me auntie come to the relative fund relatives our evidence of sex and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table or indeed any table set plants the table in a brothel takes me right back [Applause] noise noise bums [Music] [Music] I lost the bet I can't not just like that I'm a complicated person you see auntie sometimes I'm nice sometimes I'm nasty sometimes I just like to sing little songs while you're grinning innately and why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches I am wearing a Cardinals hat because I'm Cardinal chunder I have an ostrich feather up my bottom mr. ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixie and I'm grinning in a leg because I think I've just throughout succeeded in conning you and your Daft husband out of a whoopee great inheritance may I remind you classic creature Oh little inheritance depends upon you're not drinking I'm not gambling oh yes damn Percy the devil farts in my face was not mentioning farts was also a condition shove off you old trout we're leaving and you yes has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile oh yes good riddance new world which oh look I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening yes first-rate all-around particularly your gesture oh by the way I loved the turning very funny exactly the same shape as a thingy [Music] espero Kane went right off this ad words are so satisfaccion [Music] and Spanish it means welcome to our castle I hope you'll find the drains to your satisfaction I've jotted it down for you it should help you break the ice with the inventor oh by the way I don't think you know the countess Caroline of Luxembourg no how do you do a young lady well good luck Bienvenue are not rashad Oh Caroline Luxembourg Oh God have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with jealousy no I haven't cccd goes on seething like that much longer he'll turn into a sea Bullock what are you talking about my lord yes what is it you know they do say that the inventors eyes are more beautiful than the famous stone of galveston what famous stone of galveston puddled and what's that exactly well it's a famous blue stone and it comes from Galveston and what about it well my lord the in pandas eyes are bluer than it for a start I see and have you ever seen list oh no not that my lord but I know a couple of people who haven't they said blue deep and have these people seen the incentives eyes similar and neither have you oh my lord so what you're telling me Percy is that something you have never seen it slightly less blue than something else you have never seen yes my lord mercy in the end you were about as much with which you must be brave hello Here I am awaiting the arrival of those beautiful rebel you I've had to talk to someone right away written more henna you know how the true love of my life my love my love someone you are the only one for me Amelie what the Hagen kiss you what no one told me you had a beard well absolutely I waited for this moment alive your nose is smaller than I expected [Music] [Music] Gustav love use your lips I like look in come of it it is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about [Music] this though is that's yen this is nice to have a little talk about a lady state just the two of us I'm the middle of some bracing glasses so tell me mrs. Queen about English mine well they spend most of their time with animals you know and with other men but when they do come to the women it's a kind of Edmund what's he like no what's he like in bed in bed he likes hot milk with just no no no no no no what is he like well it's like a little rabbit mommy mommy how much I love you [Music] I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this the most depressing night one more latley shouldn't be pretty sure your wife's a virgin witnesses to the contrary if she wasn't we might still stand a chance officially you've still got to be a virgin [Music] No yes yes if there was any other way you know I take it funeral bury you at sea say you died in combat go on in you go little boy with big job to do [Music] [Music] as we rehearsed poetry first a sausage later how horny hunt I should do the trick just remind me of it sir I won't the horny hunter had an enormous horse it is absolutely excellent sir however might I suggest it I don't edit it that lovely little dumpling how in love I am let me be your Shepherd kins you can be my lamb well I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out under the balcony and vomit over a baby's sauce behold yes yes yes tis I your gorgeous little love bundle and nothing there was just a little fly in my throat I know I've never know it was just a wind whistling through the trees and making a noise that sounded like oh gee I then come Prince cat lick it and climb up my Ivy sausage time oh my god yes yes so there is a filthy intruder spying on our love very well would you mind screaming your highness night ey ta me way me I think it works Sam in the morning I should go in and ask her father you go out and start spending his money I can't stand mean this when it comes to wedding presents and well done sir you were brute was i yes sir but I'm in agony well that's love for you well boring a good night's work I think it's time to divide the loot and I think it's only fair then we should share it equally which I suppose is highway man's talk for you get the cash I get the snotty hanky no no no we did this robbery together so you get half the cash oh thank you mr. beat this robbery on the other hand I'm doing alone hand it over your money or your life full fairing aboveboard fair enough as long as I haven't been cheated I don't mind hangs up I am the shadow I never miss you one that looks like a pig he's talking to you boring I will set up fellow indeed sir that kiss sorry I'm not sure I heard that correctly maybe your ears need unblocking how I see a kiss of course of course and then perhaps a little light supper some dancing who who knows where know what it's you of course but your voice it's clever isn't it does your father know you're out he had to go you mean he's dead yes dead is that squirrel which squirrel [Music] that's cause you killed him for ruining your chances of marrying Prince George I despise the prince don't you know it's you I wanted I want a real man the man who can sew on a button a man who knows where the towels are kept yes I crave Wow human the plan brown eyes you wrap the prints of everything he's got right down to the clothes he's standing him I'll get my stash and meet you here and then we'll run away to the West Indies Wow I don't know I'll have to think about it I've thought about it it's a brilliant plan see you here tomorrow night Bob the second half starts with corporal Smith and Johnson as the three silly twerps the big joke being there's only two Bullock's impersonation of Charlie Chaplin yes Bob take a telegram mr. C Chaplin Senate Studios Hollywood California Congrats stop have discovered only person in world less funny than you stop skee black at a stop own put appears please please please stop and then after that we have ladies and gentlemen the highlight of our show I feel fantastic gorgeous Georgina the traditional soldiers drag act you look absolutely lovely sir blind all mad lieutenant looks like all soldiers look on these occasions about as feminine as WG Grace what are you gonna give him good well I thought one or two cheeky gags followed by she was only the ironmongers daughter but she knew a surprising amount about fish as well inspired Molony she made an effort with the dress what about your custom order whole minute sir I think so your Charlie Chaplin costume consists of that hat except in this box I have a dead slug as a brilliant force mustache yes quite brilliant I hear how FinCEN's are you to attach it to your face well I was hoping to persuade the slug to cling on sir all right the slug is dead if it failed to cling on to life I see no reason why I wish to cling on to your upper lip [Music] slugs are always a problem what you got to do is screw your face up like this you see then you can clamp it between your top lip and your nose but no sir sir sir there's a visitor to see you good lord mr. Chaplin this is an honor why calls for some sort of celebration Baldrick bar great thanks strawberry because because you see this isn't Chaplin at all this is bullring I know I was in fact being sarcastic well I see everything goes above your head doesn't it George you should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer [Music] [Applause] I'm sober yes so I'm short evening I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Colosseum thought of putting the Christians and the Lions on the same bill sir some people seem to think that I was best you agree or akin the Amazonian rainforests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilization who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impression what do you think [Applause] it's in my blood and in my soul Baldrick put those in some water with you yes sir I need that applause in the same way that but a knopfler needs his awful go baits a pure blood ego bit like a privet hedge particularly beautiful in this God it's a spanking the beautiful world and tonight's my night I know exactly what I'll say to her darling yes I want to make you happy darling stop interrupting you don't listen now can you tell me what you think I want to make you happier darling I want to build a nest for your 10 tiny toes I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body and pepper and then sneeze all over your well it's just all so sudden sir I mean the nest bits fine but the pepper business is definitely out Oh dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina Georgina yes and what yet what I want to say to her this evening oh yes of course all right yes sir listen sir honestly darling you really are the most graceless dim-witted pumpkin I ever met I don't think you should say that [Music] how's that George it's three o'clock in the morning you should be careful wandering around the trench at night with nothing to protect his honor but a cricket box hello captain about time where the hell have you been oh I don't know it's all been like a dream my very first the music the dancing the champagne my mind is a mad world Huff whispered conversations with the promise of indiscretion ever hanging in the air that stowed Melcher try for a snog behind the fruit cup certainly not general behave like a perfect gentleman we tired the moon without talking about everything and nothing the war marriage proposed changes to the LBW rule not she just married is he no no all his life he's been waiting to meet the perfect woman and at last tonight he did some poor unfortunate had old walrus face dribbling in her ear all evening the genie well yes as a matter of fact I did have to drape a napkin over my shoulder yes George are you trying to tell me that you are the generals perfect woman well yes I rather think I am well thank God the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him not to be honest sir absolutely sir that I did it was like saying you know the candles the music the huge moustache I said yes Patrol's Larry is a general I really feel like it refused you might have had me court-martialed whereas on the other hand of course he's going to give you the Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night and finds himself looking at the blast turkey in the shop it's a mess of it you see you got me scruffy him then when he looked into my eyes and said chipmunk I love you it's his special name for me you see he said my nose looks just like a chipmunk if the general ever finds out the gorgeous Georgina is in fact a strapping six footer from the rough end of the trench they could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said this guy fawkes bloke do we let him off or what [Music] oh really my mother barely long window she's keeping sheep in his bedroom only appointment my father sorry I have at last after careful consultation with the Lord God His Son Jesus Christ and he's in substantial friend the Holy Ghost decided upon the next Archbishop may he last longer in his post that is three decisions fat chance I point to the Holy See [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] I've always despised you well you are my father of course and I know biased you compared to your beloved brother Holly earnest extra mint is compared to cream oh my lord you flatter me found a use for you don't try to get out of it turn into new listen you know I just wondered it with a perhaps another man I'm equally weak willed and feeble might do just as well hah there's no such man I thought though perhaps you know someone who believed in God if I did someone open it in thought I could chose it honey nothing embarrassing little we'd like you well I think that's everything clear that must be almost time for evil something must be getting bad come here a word of advice if you cross me now or ever I shall do unto you what God did unto the Son of man o my lord I don't think that's a very good idea well I shall make myself available for all eventualities thank you so much I didn't quite catch your name's George you bath and how do do just in the boy not and then till drunken nights rest return from the Crusades and here on Richmond for Good King Richard god bless do it your mission well as I said we're here to kill a bit of time before an exclusive oh I'll just go and get him couple of nights here to see the archbishop it's one about the nuns of opium and the candelabra don't bother I've heard it back sister there's two men outside you've come to kill you [Music] [Applause] I'm terribly sorry about this I'll I'll just see what the delay is going off two men have come to kill us oh come on honestly building just because a couple of people have a bit of reading yes you live on to be mindless killer [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] damn they must have gone diving secret passage to the nunnery [Music] Little Sisters of indolence three men came in which way did they go they went that way god bless you wait let me watch you gone for a stress practice haven't seen two burly nights passed this way no sister [Music] is often heard but never seen no I don't think so sorry shall we check the dormitory oh yes Mother Superior what a good idea [Music] is completely forbidden who is the ring leading of you yes you the plain girl I think I can explain see the target I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me or the other Spain there are millions of them keep their hands off our women I don't know what you mean I'm sworn to secrecy touch me kill me you shall never know we're very much in love my lord this is lee jane herring yes James bury me in a wise head coffin Harrington [Music] I think maybe there are 210 Harrington's tall blonde elegance oh that's right yeah it's like a preemie door when the braids in her come on get away you're shot you'll get over I did so did boring actually you see you've got this thing about beards apparently well in that case I'm going to shave my lord the arrow didn't in fact into my body oh good oh my thousand to one chance my woolly got in the way let me just put in there but now I will leave you there forever but don't worry it can be your lucky Willie it's my lord yes from now I'll show it to my grandchildren I think the grandchildren might not be out of the question whoa whoa pea-brain I never catch me falling in love that's for damn sure is mustard good day to you lord back at her good day to you boy what does it brings you here I'm an honest hard-working lat but pull and I must support my father who is stop breathing mad therefore I come to London to seek a servant's wage what yes indeed unfortunately I already have a servant the word is that your servant is the worst servant in London with your fire you've got yourself a job what do they call you Kate there isn't that a bit of a girl's name oh it's um short for Bob yes well sorry bordick any reason you're still here I've got nowhere to go my lord Oh surely you'll be allowed to starve to death in one of the Royal feeling your service since I was tune off Marlow well that was the one so utterly sick of the sight of you do not despair and do the same job but for no wages well you know where you'd have to live in the gutter yes and you'd have to work a bit harder to of course malo all right go and get Bob stuff in and Chuck your filthy muck out in this way don't bless your sweet master [Music] flash my name flash by Nature we're havin your place not for long thanks bridesmaids like the beard gives me some endure hang on to so my old mate Eddie's getting hitched a what's the matter can't stand the pace of the eel by Queenie you look sexy well but listen wear your hair long I prefer it that way still worshiping God nothing I heard he started worshipping me nasi I like it Furman fruity am i pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket [Applause] where's this amazing bird the one who stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly whatever he wants ten times a night my fiancee Kate she's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsil you don't want to marry this jerk baby meet me on my horse in eight seconds man in this rock you see I find I actually prefer wearing boys clothes we're I always feel more comfy in a dress I got a plan and it's a spot that's my pants [Music] things will certainly live when I round here now he's back weren't they flat flat so long suckers next time you get bored of your lives give me a call and I'll come and kill you it is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the bridesmaid I presume you intend to honor this I do the finest trade the finest damn is the finest navies in the world and what do we have the royalty a mad crowd sausage sucker and the son who can't keep his own sausage to himself you're very kind now you no doubt anxious to catch up with the latest news of the war I had here the most recent briefs from my general in the field yes well if you could just pop them in a laundry basket on the way out Dean yes immediately [Music] now let's turn to the second front my lord yes now as I understand it Napoleon is in North Africa and Nelson is stationed and eleska your highness in case boney should try and trick us by coming via the North Pole yes perhaps the preferable stratagem your grace might be to Harry him amidships as he leaves the the Mediterranean Trafalgar might be quite a good well I'll mention it to Nelson I'm not sure I'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you your highness I've been told by everybody that the prince was a confounded Oh Helen Buckshot here that tie some servant again in the presence of your betters get up oh I forgot later cuz a gun carriage well to long a soldier we no longer treat servants that way in London society why hardly touch the man I think you hit him very hard nonsense - would it be a soft hit would be like this like this [Music] I wonder if I might be excused Johannes joy I'm sorry about that Sara birth one has to keep up the pretense quite understand you carry on the good work the prince was the Amos here what is he the servant Blackadder we respected about the town now that I discovered the true time to supposed to beat you to death just popped out similar to each other you know it's quite eerie look did you tell him to be here or not imagine why I'll tell you why that's because there's no coffee shop in England big enough for two Blackadder's ah good day cousin McKenna I trust you are well I'm well enough and more egg she bites fine and how stands that mighty army the clan McKenna they're both well I always thought that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys Angus as a girl don't we cousin I hear do you have a cunning plan I do I do I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a jewel right and walk tonight for me enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides what do you think 14 shillings and sixpence why don't I pretend to be that you can Wellington until the Prince of Wales interview then I could kill a king and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of Mikado where the granite and limestone bodice of McMillan's queen of all look for God's sake Mikado you're not Rob Roy you're a top kipper salesman with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers then throw it all away if you kill the prince they'll just send the bailiffs around and arrest you Oh blast I forgot the bailiffs so we can return to our original plan then no I'm not interested I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster and besides I have to be back in the office on Friday I promised mr. McNulty I'd shift a particularly difficult blotter for him form with MiG's II yes yes show me the Glen weather kipper rose free if I get more like forever no never we must do right by Morag we must return to Scotland then you must fight her in the old Highland way bare-breasted and each cutting an 8-pound baby we had a woman of spirit I look forward to burying you in the old Highland Manor yes bite us good fortune from it's on my either down once don't worry I'll ban I have a lost and I think you'll find decisive witness called private Baldrick deny everything boric are you private Baldrick No but you are captain Blackadder's batma No on bothering me a bit more helpful it's me now Hazen test drive we don't need your kind here private get some right yes gentlemen you have heard all the evidence presented before you today but in the end it is up to the conscience of your hearts to decide and I firmly believe that like me you will conclude that Captain Black Adder is in fact totally and utterly guilty of nothing more then trying to do his duty under difficult circumstances not since he's a hound and a Rotter he's gonna be shot before we proceed to the formality of sentencing the deceased I mean the defender I think we'd all rather enjoy hitting the case for the prosecution get the darling if you please yeah my case is very simple I call my first witness General Sir Anthony sessile Hogmanay matter general did you own a lovely plump special a pigeon called speckled Jim which you hand reared from a chick and which was your only childhood friend and did Captain Bligh kerachut the aforementioned pigeon yes he did [Applause] I therefore have absolutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this Court is that you'll get the ribbon black area be taken from this place and suffer death by shooting tomorrow at dawn do you have anything to say yes could I have an alarm call you mind if i disturb it in a moment sir no no not at all my diary is pretty empty this week Thursday morning get shot yes that's about it actually it's just as a few chaps out here would like with with chinwag lovely I was keen to be new people corporal Jones and privates Frazer a zombie soon and chip away the pros oh well nice of you to drop by and what do you do where your firing squad sir [Applause] of course you are good-sized chest shut up like so you see as foreign squads are a bit like tax men sir everyone hates us but we're just doing our job Emily my heart bleeds for you well sir we aim to please [Laughter] see so we take pride in the Terminator II service we supply so is there any particular area like us to go for him we can aim anywhere well no case just above my head might be a good smile and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so bad after all dallisa it's an ugly roomie for you yeah pulsing jugular there as well I'm sorry I know you mean to be friendly but I hope you won't take it amiss if I ask you to sort off and die of course not sir no one likes being shot first thing in the morning do they know so look forward to seeing you tomorrow sir you have a blindfold on of course but then you recognize me I'm the one this is ready aim fire can I ask you to leave a pause between the word aim and the word fire 30 or 40 years wish I could sir really we're so good but I can you see cuz I'm a gobbler me [Music] spices to the mall get TV's gone to sleep well you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 694,635

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, rowan atkinson, hugh laurie, stephen fry, tomy robinson, rik mayall, melchett, lord flashheart, cunning plan, baldrick, baldrick blackadder, baldrick i have a cunning plan, blackadder quotes, blackadder 1, blackadder 2, blackadder 3, blackadder 4, the blackadder, blackadder II, blackadder the third, blackadder goes forth

Id: RdbNVPLuOdU

Length: 50min 50sec (3050 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 03 2020