More Hilarious Moments From Series 2 | Allo' Allo' | BBC Comedy Greats

good morning honey ah good morning lieutenant this is the man that shot me he fences me like mad perhaps it is the apron [Music] your cheeks are very good fresh color today and you have an impish look in your eye it has suddenly disappeared another drink what a good idea open this door eat it open the door i have found it i have found it i have found the wheel of my late husband there is no need to make such a song and dance about it uh give it to me death after all i am the executor it is not addressed to you no but it would go without saying that ronnie would want his brother as an executor it has gone without saying gather on everyone while i read to you the last will and testament of my dear departed husband who was shot by the germans what does you know he leave everything to me i rene aqua being of sun man i would dispute that first time do hereby leave all of which i stand possessed to my dear and faithful wife who has comforted me and filled me with joy during the happy days of my marriage i wrote that on the honeymoon what a beautiful phrase look there is something written on the back ah no p.s to evette i can hardly read it it is as if his hand was shaking chewie vet who has served so devotedly under me i leave the collapsible so far in the parlor that so far is not collapsible it is unless you put a book under it pps to maria i leave this small billiard table which has given us both so many moments of pleasure i never saw you playing in there always renee would make me shut the door and put a gel into the knob what were you doing that you did not want to be interrupted why ask me i am dead remember anyway he has done the right thing by me everything is now mine to heaven to old till death do me part he was a good man there was something soft and sensitive about him although like you he could be a little distant at times we are a cautious family we will drink to his memory well do not pour too much that is my best cognac is best cognac and now it is my best cognac two is memories oh it is over it is done what are you up to now i am going to buy myself a new act why do you want a new act you must remember i am a rich widow in the prime of my life this evening my mom will promenade me in this square some handsome member keys upon me my new hat who is that he will ask it is so rich widow reply oh how young and slender she looks i must pay my respects to her he will say and maybe tomorrow morning he will be at my door bearing a beautiful bouquet of sweet smelling roses provided his guide dog can find the owls is the coast clear we are 50 miles from the coast something very important has just come up how long have you been out there the two airmen have left the nunnery good now perhaps yvette and i can continue to discuss the menu for tonight they left because the germans came to search for them they are on the run well that is your problem not mine i don't care if i never see their stupid faces ever again [Applause] it is the airman i would never have known look do not let them come in here you speak the language tell them to go away go now listen chaps renee has been awfully decent putting you up here but you'll have outstage you're welcome we we can't walk around as nuns all day the daddies keep trying to chat us up didn't they suspect the moustache you think mine's big you should see the mother superiors we're not going back to the nunnery fairfax mucked up his needlework and we had to spend hours scrubbing the steps why is he showing you his knees he was a scrubber it's an honor no wonder they threw him out when you tell them to go away oh listen to me renee you are a vital link and the escape route for british airmen this is a safe house not for me it isn't let us come to the crunch the crunch the nitty-gritty are you a collaborator or are you with the resistance is that thing loaded i am desperate i have one up the spout that would make you desperate well look i am on your side michelle at the same time i have a business to run now i cannot go around being rude to the germans not in front of their faces anyway i will put out my tongue at them from time to time when their backs are turned or put a little extra salt in their soup but we must be reasonable it is the colonel and the captain the colonel is backing under the tree no i think they are coming in here my god he must not see them get them out of there throw them in no they can't go that way there was a driver with a gun oh quick through here hello the colonel and captain are poaching well keep them busy while i think of a good reason why i've got two nuns in my back room the organ fund with my reputation go go keep them busy greetings uh is any refreshment that you would like that is not on a high shelf we have business with renee is he in the back room no good we wish to be private we were waiting there while you find him oh my god quick get them down take these yvette take this stand back wouldn't you either way to michael stand aside [Music] am i interrupting something renee is having a special service for his light departed brother he's not dead the church don't know that they were going to have a big one in the cathedral but this worked out cheaper his lips are muttering in silent prayer it is very moving in that case take your hat off who is frank harris he was a prophet hans give it to me [Music] i have no idea they played leapfrog in heaven quick not now maria no it is michelle from the resistance what does she want well now do i know come on come follow me michelle michelle where are you riding i am here now listen very carefully i shall say this only once have good news i have come here to collect the british airmen i expect you will be very glad to get rid of them you can say that again i don't suppose she will instructions will be sent to you by secret messenger disguised as a simple farm worker why do i need further instructions i thought this was the end of it all you forget your position your rumble cafe is the headquarters of the organization to assist escaping airmen to add explosives to past messages and to organize sabotage it is all happening here i hope you tell people who want to marry you the sort of trouble you can get them into it's like getting into bed with a time bomb i have ended at it i expect to put them off oh they cannot wait to light the views shut up your silly old bat you want to wake up your old neighborhood get them down i am weak i am feeble i want to see my daughter married before the good lord sends an angel to take me away [Applause] i must be more important than i thought why is that one carrying a candle because where you are going it will be very dark my mother likes that it is the airmen mother we eat them while you were asleep i am seeing flashing knobs is [Applause] quick hello hello this is nighttalk receiving you loud and not very clear pass your message over the flashing bed knobs are not reliable get the code book what does that mean it means that we have been trying to get you for three days my wife's mother does not understand flashing knobs it means my wife's mother is a silly old bat crushing bed knobs now pass your message will be over away in a chariot even in heaven they know about my bad legs this means the plan is coming tonight to pick up the british airmen i say chaps there's a plane coming for you tonight oh wacko well get a move on it's toodle pip and back to dear old blighty good [ __ ] signal what signal to roots of the owl he did i am a coffee owner i do not do impersonations i will do it do we do currently one that is unappreciated by the bird up there a critic perhaps don't move i have four baskets with me it is hard to get good help these days walk this way and them out oh what are these for these are your covers huh oh your cover is to be mushroom pickers if you are stirred you are on your way to the fields to pick mushrooms for the restaurant ah this is a good cover the best ones pop up at night give them the guns they're loaded but they're not cucked why do we need guns mushrooms do not fight back if the germans find you helping british airmen to escape you will have to shoot your way out where are the airmen they are cephelyden follow me alright [Music] we are going to get wet [ __ ] follow me inside what are you doing here we desire the glare i am disguised as a simple milky maid look the same when you were a simple farm and you said whoa we are very short of stuff where are the airmen i shall take you to them this is dadia this claudette here is sophia bridgette and this flight lieutenant fairfax what is he doing here he's waiting to be milking where's castas i'm in charge of the canteen other seems a bit small so that is what happened to my washing up gloves don't plan by asking what are we all doing here the plane is due in ten minutes it will land the other side of the woods across the road the road is controlled by the germans should we encounter them they will not suspect six mushroom pickers and an end of cows what are you trying to tell me that the germans will not suspect that cow when he is mixed amongst the others so leclaire it is time you and the farmer must lead out the [Applause] [Music] cows uh it is a very big man i think it is a transport plane honey how can that big plane land in this little field it is not landing look [Music] they have released to parachutes [Music] they are going to drop the other side of the wood quick it must have landed somewhere near here what are you doing i'm going no further until someone tells me what's going on [Music] i see something it is a copper i say is anyone down there oh my god not another stupid english man i say are you from hq we rather thought the plane would land change of plan we're trying out a new escape package we'd better get you down i suppose i seem to be a bit stuck if ronnie held me up in his strong arms i could reach up and pull him down he could earn me any strong arms oh but i might drop you precious this way now up you get [Applause] one of the barmaids has pulled the policeman's trousers down it's all go isn't it oh you're giving it what that was all rather exciting why have they sent us another englishman they sent me over because i speak french thank heavens for that they have sent him because he speaks french hello everybody to hear our own tongue i have brown grootings from british intelligence headquitters what does he say asinghi brings greetings from intelligence headquarters i have dis-geezed as policeman so i am able to move a boot with complete freedom you think he will get away with that accent as long as he does not speak yes we will tell everyone that he comes from a remote village in the country on the outskirts of we pekin up this package this yeah this is the escope package you must heat it in your sealer what was that the escape package you must add it in the cellar how does he know i have a cellar in london we are not stupid we know every move you mock do we have a key or a tin opener after all who would nick an armored car wear this what for if the resistance take a pot shot at you it will bounce off i am not sticking my head out of there i'll drive sorry just that little knob in flat give it a bit more choke did i eat something the colonel's car he will do his number never mind he will blame the resistance and shoot a couple of presents by saying how easy it is to slip into the ways of being a nazi [Applause] why have we left the main road a motorcycle was following us don't worry this lane leads to the railway line is he still following just a minute i will have a look [Music] can you see the motorcycle look at the moment i can see the railway line stop here i can hear the train coming pass me a shell where are they they must be in here symmetra draw the glove compartment okay have you found anything just some ladies underwear shaving lotion i have one good we'll hurry up it is getting nearer i think it is loaded now i have to aim for the third wagon from the end yes good luck put your fingers in your ears that may be a big bang i can see it one two three that's the one [Music] can you get a little bit nearer no i cannot one two three you have blown up the signal box i think the battle is bent here goes the train there goes hit the sausage i think we should catch it up further down the line no the way i drive i would never catch it and the way you shoot you would never eat it i think we go home what is that in the road it is a farm dragon it is very badly parked get out and move it ready fire [Applause] and second thoughts i will wait a bit [Applause] no i wish to surrender it is the white flag of surrender look it is one eye you twitter so you have joined the germans this gentleman kindly helped me to borrow the tank so so we could blow up the train the one you refused to blow up because you were blowing up an ammunition lorry that is why we are here well you're wasting your time as soon as we heard you were going to blow it up we cancelled it who told you he didn't mention that collaborator michelle it is all part of a very complicated plan to do with hitler and a sausage and a lot of paintings which would take too long to explain i don't understand half of it myself is approaching what our mission is we must stop her [Music] quick hans what are you doing with human's little tank i too would like to know the answer to that question well colonel you see it's quite clear to see what has happened here flick rennie overheard a plot by the resistance to blow up an ammunition lorry assisted by the captain he borrowed the armored car and with great bravery found the roadblock and fought off the resistance who even now can be seen running across the fields i was just about to say all that i'm in a very fierce battle my armored car is covered with little dents and there is mud all over the wheels i'm not entirely convinced by this story i have found proof hair fleek see this device is commonly used by the resistance when they're going to blow something up not nonsense this is an ordinary tire pump which has been discarded by a passing motorist this would not even blow up a tire ethnic you have exploded the gestapo car [Music] well that's nothing to worry about the gestapo could always get another car from berlin i shall not be informing berlin of this incident i do not wish to look a right now you will drive us home what's going on now fairfax a lot of girls in their scanties are climbing onto men's bicycles oh come on what's really going on oh how much longer am i to be ignored oh holy days where have you been i have not seen you for days do not be silly mama i gave you your lunch listen i have good news monsieur alfonse the undertaker is calling no no mama i think he is in love with me oh it is so romantic i think he is coming to propose to me do you remember we met him in the square he has a mustache oh yes yes i remember him while he had a little stiff one oh he has such manners and today this arrived and on it it was this little card with a love message swiftly and with style he has a eye opinion of himself the other side i always think engagement rings are such romantic pretty things and still before my life is done i would dearly like to give you one [Laughter] could you read the first part again quick shut the door where is my wife she is upstairs dressed up like the dinner of a dog she is going to parade herself yet again in the town square hope it rena you should be happy if she marries you will be free and without a solitary sue we will have money we will borrow explosives from the resistance blur the safe nix the money and add in a little garage in paris and make love day or night until the war is over my very thought of it makes me go weak at the not her knees [Laughter] now listen very carefully i shall say this only once the escape package brought by this british agent was damaged in the landing you must help us to mend it mend it i don't even know what it is it is made of silk filled with hot air it will lift the basket with the airmen and with a favorable wind take them back across the channel brilliant and what do you want a needle and cotton some of the fabric is torn away and missing we need silk to replace it silk where am i supposed to find silk the urgent crop tree has a plan which you will explain you must go and get your hands on girls knockers he means silk knickers sorry perhaps my french could be butter i will give up my knickers for france [Laughter] always the patriot all the girls in the resistance will sacrifice their knickers when i hear words like that it brings a lump to my throat but even that will not be enough well how many pairs of knock knickers do you require at least 40 or even 50. i will try for 15. well we are hoping to start about seven but it is best to get there early we are expecting a crown and there will be coffee and sandwiches afterwards whatever happened tell them we are hoping for an home win i'll see you then oh so many friends i admire you you are like a rock i know this to be a quality you appreciate in a man oh [ __ ] i'm so worried why well i am miss you alphonse is a crack shot there was a competition he put one of his balls through a playing card at 20 buses quite a feat this is how he started in the undertaking business yvette normally i would be worried by such news but i have a secret arrangement with the colonel at the time of the duel he will be on exercises with tanks and troops and machine guns and things and he has promised to take care of the undertaker oh could you not take care of your wife at the same time i could mention it i suppose i might be pushing my luck and talking of pushing my luck oh it's that english idiot who thinks he can speak our language good die to you you see he has heard about the duel are we alone i wish to tick to you tick he means talk ah yeah we are a loon so tick away the english airmen are no linger in the cow oh good where are they then i will kill them in here chaps you will never get away with that you cannot pass those two idiots off as french policemen i'll give them quick curse in the french long watch it's nose to spike your tongue pleased to meet you sir all right germans quick in the back room uh officer if you wish to search my premises uh i have nothing to hide start in the back room take care of the crowds listen carefully the balloon is ready it will be taken and eaten in the old ruined barn five kilometers to the north of town when the wind is favorable a message will be sent your renee will guide the airmen to the barn where they will take off an head forum oh i do not wish to be a wet blanket but i do have a duel in the morning you know what if i am killed well then monsieur leclair will guide them must go now to the ironmonger he is preparing the blue lamps which will provide the hot air for the balloon has been here yeah flick of the gestapo oh quick we will scoop through the window oh he will be getting into his car he will see you what did he want he had not seen this to disguise this policeman no he was looking for the colonel he has gone around to their headquarters did he want to check on his sausage no he cancelled his table and ordered two large portions of hot pot to take away that means a nice quiet dinner with elgar in the dungeon this evening [Music] be brave girls dear girls before proceeding do either of you wish to apologize well i may have been a bitter certainly not you behaved like a pig you will die like a pig very well miss you you are showing a lot of mitchell renee the pistols are loaded choose what you choose miss you you will start back to back upon the command march you will walk 10 pieces upon the command alt you mean hold upon the command will turn and fire is this clear crystal clear right we must proceed first my personal farewells they the french way mr heartfelt thank you mr but i hardly know you farewell edith farewell edith edith i am talking to you why i'm about to get shot here and you take no notice but hey i'm just catching up on the gossip bye-bye maria yvette farewell madame lamontagne who's madame lamontagne what's up gentlemen let us take up our positions back to back excuse me one moment allowed to do this i shall investigate quite right after the duel well but do you not think you should do it right away i mean i mean we can do this in the old times get on whizzies big [Applause] what one two three four five six seven eight nine ten another cognac please event any news or grenade not a world the place is not the same without him it's all clear [Laughter] hey those eyes they look very familiar particularly that one [Laughter] i am trying very hard not to be familiar with you i have it you are relation of renee works behind the bar very distant you have very hairy legs they run in the family renee it is you please lieutenant do not give me away don't worry your secret is safe with me no no you do not understand yes i do i had an uncle with the same leanings every shrove tuesday he would dress up as a pancake girl [Music] i suppose you think i am a coward on the contrary i think it takes great courage to come out in the open and dress that way oh my god germans and they are coming to this table don't worry i will cover meredith adults what oh wait no i i don't i'm not very good don't buy i will lead [Music] are they watching us don't worry just be normal i'm doing my best you'll do a few more bars then i will put you in my little tank and take you back to my place until it dies down left-handed dew feather of course [Music] just leave me here with my friends will you you're not really dressed for a tank i think i better go and warm it up for you if you need a push start just let me know i'll i'll get the rest of the girls i did not know who it was i was challenging to a duel you the leader of the escape route oh let me kiss the hem of your dress please mr alphonse you embarrass me tell me what to do i will follow you anywhere in a minute i am going to have to go to the little girl's room oh madam i could not come between you and this he's perhaps the bravest man in france henceforth i will admire you from afar good day to you all viva la france uh viva the goal who you know the goal uh the one with the big uter of course leave the goal thank evans he has gone they did all very well for you but what am i to tell my friends i cannot be seen out with a coward i have the explanation you will tell them that during the duel a bumblebee flew down his trousers at a critical moment causing him to run into the river but the nearest river is three miles away it was a very big bee i cannot say what an honor it is for me to assist you mr renee the bravest man in france has just escaped death by this double torcher without thought of personal danger is even now helping the british airmen to escape i am quite a character am i not someone is knocking on the coffin this is not a corridor us you don't speak like that to my mother you must be kind to her it was your idea she should be the cops she is the nearest thing we have get back to your feet hold on not much further chat jolly glue katie jerry's on the horizon it looks like a roadblock somebody is disobeying the curfew funeral processions are allowed her colonel i wonder why rennie is riding in the front i wonder why the two corpses in the second hearse they're sitting up and chatting to each other i think it is possible that renee is finally getting rid of the british airman so that life can return to normal like he promised hans tell the sergeant to let them pass this is a funeral we are borrowing some biddies let them proceed huh what is this a funeral hair general i see opens the coffin it is my brother's wife's mother she died of the plague what plague is this it's a plague that kills brothers wife's mothers open the coffin this spreads across europe we've all had it quickly walk on [Applause] you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 649,411

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show

Id: yv8Sk1kwRx8

Length: 48min 41sec (2921 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 15 2021