HACKER VS HUMPHREY: A Compilation | Yes, Minister | BBC Comedy Greats

the fact of the matter is that the civil service and i are in complete accord over this whole business and i'm happy to announce that we are now ready to put our proposals into publication in fact tonight i can say that from september the 1st every citizen of the uk will have the absolute right to inspect his personal file and check any information that he or she has ever supplied to the government no civil servant will be allowed to examine personal files from another department without a written authority from a minister and i shall be announcing in the house next week legislation enabling citizens to take legal action against any civil servant who gains unauthorized access to his file encouraging minister why did you not say so in the first place and put people's minds at risk frankly i didn't believe the civil service could meet our deadlines godfrey but they've convinced me that they can and in fact my permanent secretary has staked his reputation on it if not heads will roll anyway assistance well thank you very much it can't be done it's been announced on television well bennett what did you make of our minister's performance well i um i i think it's checkmate see me on the box last night happening of course minister how was i good a most remarkable performance minister if i may say sir maybe you may thank you minister well minister we've been working very hard all night i'm happy to be able to tell you that we have come up with some draft proposals which would enable you to achieve your desired objectives by the stated dates well done freddie you see i told the nation how splendid you were i was right i had every confidence in you quite so minister must have had quite a night yes minister quite a night let's see your proposals yeah they are yeah are mine would you have specific proposals to no indeed now halfway you read out what you've got on safeguards and i'll read out what i've got and we'll see how they compare personal data 1a safeguards must be applied with reference to two criteria the need to know and the right to know to have a need to know you seem to be of the same mind humphrey indeed where did those proposals come from minister can you hear me where did those proposals come from humphrey my lips are sealed just one more thing minister the evidence to the central policy review staff we mean the think tank country yes minister what about it have you redrafted the redraft of your draft you don't want it yet do yes why well so that we can redraft it no that won't be necessary i think it will minister country drafting is not a civil service monopoly you know no it's a highly specialized skill which few outside the service can master nonsense drafts is easy it's a game anyone can play not without getting huffed so could i have the draft proposal please certainly hungry when minister later hungry yes but when well you're always saying we mustn't rush things aren't you minister i must ask you for a straight answer on what day tomorrow monday tuesday in due course humphrey at the appropriate juncture in the fullness of time when the moment is right when the necessary procedures have been completed nothing precipitate of course minister this is getting urgent urgent humphrey what a lot of new words we're learning now minister you'll forgive me if i say this but i'm beginning to suspect that you are concealing something from me surely you and i have no secrets from each other have we have we i'm sorry minister but sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that affairs are being conducted in a way which all things being considered and making all possible allowances is not to put too fine a point on it perhaps not entirely straightforward well you're the expert on straightforwardness so what about the draft evidence to the central policy review staff well since you asked country and perfectly straightforward i have redrafted it myself i don't want you to redraft it i am perfectly happy with it as it is may i be bold enough to ask what you have said i've said what i wanted to say phased reductions in the civil service yes but i humphrey you have frustrated me over open government you have frustrated me over the economy drive but this time i'm going to have my way the party wants it the public wants it and i'm bound to say that all we get from the civil service is delaying tactics well i wouldn't call civil service delays tactics minister that would be to mistake lethargy for strategy very drill hampering but you must realize that there is a real desire for radical reform in the air the all-party select committee on administrative affairs which i founded is a case in point it's a great success indeed what has it achieved nothing yet part is very pleased with it ah why ten column inches in last monday's daily mail for a start oh i see the government is going to measure its success in column inches is it yes no yes and no minister the evidence that you're proposing to submit is not only untrue it is also which is much more serious unwise now we've been through all this before the expansion of the civil service is the result of parliamentary legislation not bureaucratic empire building so when this next comes up at question time you want me to tell parliament that it's their fault that the civil service is too big but it's the truth minister i don't want the truth i want something i can tell parliament after you're my permanent secretary you're supposed to enact my policies yet i still don't understand why you seem implacably opposed to them i must know where you stand on all this where one stands minister depends upon where one sits am i to infer that you'll not support me oh we'll always support you minister but as your standard bearer not as your poll bearer hungry what are you saying i should have thought it was crystal clear minister do not send this report to a body whose recommendations are to be published that is exactly why i'm sending it now i don't want to hear any more about it so you think this might not get into the national press well a few lines on the inside page of the guardian but nothing to worry about actually it's only the urban middle class who worry about the preservation of the countryside because they don't have to live in it would that be all minister yeah no this may well blow over but it doesn't answer my basic question which was why wasn't i told about it before i made the announcement there are those who have argued and indeed urgently that on occasion there are some things it is better for a minister not to know are you talking about him minister your answers in the house said that the press conference was superb you were convincing and convinced the critics were silenced but could you have spoken with the same authority if the ecological pressure group had been badgering you but i have a right to know i am the people's representative what right have you got to withhold this information from me it's intolerable it's in your own best interest ministry for something that is not to know i mean it's outrageous it must not occur again it so happens that i've got a plan here for the reorganization of this department which will ensure that it doesn't indeed yes indeed now if i were to have one under secretary and two assistant secretaries reporting directly to me minister please no just a moment humphrey let me tell you my plan the plan is immaterial minister i have something to say to you which you may not like to hear why should today be any different minister the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position now whatever made you think i wouldn't want to hear that well i thought it might upset you how could it i didn't understand a single word country for god's sake for once in your life put it into plain english if you insist you are not here to run this department i'd pick your pardon you are not here to run this department i think i am the people think i am too with respect minister you are they are wrong and who does run this department i do i see and what am i supposed to do we've been through all this before make policy get legislation enacted and above all secure the department's budget in cabinet i sometimes think that the budget is all you ever really care about well it is rather important minister if nobody cared about the budget we might end up with a department so small that even a minister could run it humphrey are we about to have a fundamental disagreement about the nature of democracy no minister merely a demarcation dispute what i mean is that the menial chore of running a department is beneath you your fashion for a nobler calling well i'm quite prepared to leave the routine paperwork to you but i must insist on direct access to all information never again do i want to hear that phrase there are some things that is better for a minister not to know is that clear minister i do that is an order humphrey as you say minister if that is what you really want treating cabinet ministers as though they were irresponsible ten-year-olds hi good morning minister good morning i'm greg morning bernard sorry i'm late just put them on the desk with you george yes it'll be about an hour i don't want to be late at broadcasting house right sir what's this broadcast all about by the way nato isn't it uh no minister partnerships in industry oh yes knew it was something like that who else is in it it's all in there minister uh an employer and a trade unionist as usual joe morgan wasn't he the tuc representative on the sodahold project uh minister ah minister you are not proposing to refer to the solihull project on the air certainly i regard it as a shining example of cooperation between the government and private industry yes but all the same i would be much happier if it were omitted why well don't you think it's rather premature certainly not building started months ago exactly um rather out of date in fact premature and out of date well untimely don't you think it'd be rather uninteresting to the general public personally that is something that's going on right now extremely interesting yes quite so um so interesting in fact that there is a danger that it might obscure your main point perhaps what is my main point ben what's the minister's main point oh yes that uh private projects are more socially responsible with government money and government projects are more efficient with private investments it underlines my main point you really are a wet blanket aren't you harmful just go about stirring up apathy minister i must seriously advise you with all the earnestest at my command not to refer to the solely hull project on the air today why what i said why why why well minister couldn't be that you're planning to take the credit for this yourself could it at next month's european convention of government administration your keynote speech will make very good reading won't it well let me tell you a few facts of life humphrey it is politicians who are responsible ultimately to the people and it is we who get the credit not civil servants minister i would be perfectly happy for you to have the credit for this project but i must beg beseech and implore you not today no it's no good humphrey i'm not going to fall for it i'm going to get all the political capital i can out of the solely hall project but it's i'm honestly a good thing when i see one please minister do listen to no no minister no happy what what well i suppose we could form an into departmental committee to examine the feasibility of monitoring a proposal for admitting patients at an earlier date how long would that take to report oh not long how long oh about two eight months together well i suggest that we get rid of all the staff currently employed at that hospital and use the money saved to open closed wards in other hospitals minister we can afford it we opened edwards with medical staff if you would be so kind minister if you do that you will delay the opening of sin edwards for patients for years why would you talk as if the staff had nothing to do simply because there are no patients there what do they do oh really minister there are a large number of extremely busy departments first there's a contingency department for fires strikes air raids nuclear war epidemics food or water poisoning in such a crisis the local general hospital is a key center for survival then there's the data and research department who at this moment are conducting a full-scale demographic survey of the catchment area we have to anticipate the future requirements for maternity geriatrics pediatrics and the male female balance then thirdly this finance of course projected accounts balance sheets and cash flow budgets then there's the purchasing department for purchasing medical and other equipment examining estimates looking at priceless and catalog purchasing what well everything minister everything from brain scanners to brasso may i continue be briefer no word that i could minister but i'm afraid you do need to understand fifth as the technical department for evaluating equipment six there's the building department which deals with the phase three building plans costing and so forth for the final phase of the hospital which should be completed by 1994 then there's maintenance cleaning and catering personnel in charge of leave national health insurance salaries as well as some staff welfare officers to look after the over 500 employees and finally administration administrators more administrators to administrate the other administrators but this is important work minister the typing pool stationary desks office furniture and equipment liaison between departments i can't tell whether you're being serious or not what do you mean there are no patients this is what the hospital is for haters ill people healing the sick all these vital tasks that i have just listed must be carried out with or without patience what why why but i don't understand the house i can express it why why would you get rid of the army just because there was no war that is completely different a hospital must produce results we don't measure our success by results but by activity and the activities considerable and productive those 500 people are seriously overworked of course the full establishment should be 650. may i show you some of the paperwork emanating crimson edwards no no humphrey no you may not enough is enough check them oh it's not the question minister we need our administrators otherwise the hospital will never open we'll set the ancillary staff equally impossible the unions won't wear it well shaq half the administrators half the ancillary staff and use the money save to get some doctors and nurses and open some walls that is my last word very well minister i shall have a word with the health service unions but i don't hold out much hope go i have your meeting with sahan free medicine uh yes yes fine fine what's it about it's the proposed visit to the world processing conference in brussels the word processing confidence ah humphrey you'll be pleased to hear that i have changed my mind i shall be going to brussels after all you're resigning from the department of administration no no no no no no i'm talking about this word processing conference oh i see but i would like to see brussels for myself anyway why why not why not indeed but why i'm a curious person you certainly are minister and i think i've been a little hasty i found your arguments on behalf of brussels thoroughly convincing minister i've been reflecting on your views and i find much truth and wisdom in your criticism of brussels no now you've implied that it is corrupt and overlooked my eyes no no no no no no no no no no no it is you who have convinced me no no no i i am not convinced that brussels is full of dedicated men all bearing a heavy burden of travel and entertainment they need all that luxury they are drinking caviar and champagne private planes air-conditioned mercedes well it oils the diplomatic wheels you know happened snouts in the trough that is not an attractive phrase oh i'm so sorry i can't think where i picked it up so we'll all go to this conference in brussels shall we agree yes sir yes is your change of heart about brussels entirely to do with my argument yes of course dude it wouldn't have anything to do with the rumor that you've been offered a post in brussels yourself i'm free that thought is not worthy of you there is such a thing as integrity [Music] oh yes thank you thank you corbett you can't let someone like call you simply can't let someone like corbett loose on the department to be disastrous i mean everything one says to corbett appears in the sun the next morning glad to know you read the sun yes you really must stop it arnold i implore you i'm not the prime minister no but it is really you who arranges the reshuffle though isn't it oh no if there's an appointment the pm is really set on the cabinet secretary must reluctantly acquiesce but i mean you you do keep your hand on the tiller well if hacker decides to turn down brussels it will make it a lot easier to keep corbett away from your department well i'm afraid this is the trouble i think he's got to take brussels oh as i know he says he believes in the european ideal yeah no no but you know how it is with politicians they get taken in by their own speeches this is partly your fault you know humphrey you've blocked hacker time and again what only in the interests of good government um donald quite but what you really need now is for hacker to have a big success in the next day or two a big success yes the next day or two that would give me give the pm a very good case for keeping him where he is then we might be able to move corbett to uh employment oh why is fred definitely going yeah he keeps falling asleep in cabinet i thought they all did yes but not while they're actually talking actually it was an error which occurred before certain important facts were known and i can assure you it is an oversight that couldn't possibly happen again wouldn't you agree minister so humphries replies perfectly correct the uh correct official reply but i have been thinking very deeply over the last few days and there's no doubt in my mind that this committee is on to something of course there's and of course excuses can always be found in individual cases but you have convinced me that our whole approach is wrong ministers and their civil servants so often cover up and defend where they should seek out man destroy i have spoken to mr malcolm rhodes the author of this invaluable book and he has agreed to head an independent outside inquiry into the whole field of government administration starting with my department um how does humphrey react to this oh is in complete agreement with me we work as a team uh don't we humphrey if i may say so he has a pleasure to work with but minister this account of what's been going on doesn't square with what you were saying in your washington speech about a ruthless war on waste well i'm an old-fashioned sort of chap betty and i believe in a thing called loyalty whatever you say about your chapter private you defend them in public isn't that so humbling in that case aren't you being rather disloyal to them now no i believe that a minister has a higher loyalty a loyalty to parliament a loyalty to the nation and that loyalty must be paramount however hard however painful that may be well of course one is loyal to one's department and to one's officials until the evidence is overwhelming but i must now say in public what i've long said in private that reforms can and will take place and i know that in this i shall find it to humphrey my staunchest allies and that's her humphrey yes minister yes minister that was a big help minister well i did my best you did your best for yourself so this is your idea of teamwork is it almost amusing well i had to do it you had to do what cravenly admit everything to that committee don't you realize how calamitous this has been for us well not both of us i hope you hope in vain minister the department is up in arms they'll have very little confidence in you in the future and as for number 10 well i shudder to think how the pm will react your public admission of failure a personal letter from the prime minister i did warn you minister bernard perhaps you should give some thought to drafting a face-saving letter of resignation the minister dear jim did you we haven't seen enough of each other lately would you be free to come to lunch at checkers on sunday we shall just be the family do please bring annie and lucy i look forward so much to seeing you i don't think i can it's paid off it has paid ah a conspiracy that drink was mark spencer i haven't seen enough of each other lunch it checkers just the phone and look it's handwritten you'll realize humphrey how much this is worth i believe the going rate is 30 pieces of silver i managed to announce a quota of 25 women deputy sectors and permanent secretaries to be achieved within the next four years now wait a minute minister what well i'm obviously in total sympathy with your objectives obviously of course we must have more women at the top of course and all of us are deeply concerned by this apparent imbalance but these things take time do i want to make a start straight away i agree wholeheartedly and i propose we make an immediate start by setting up an interdepartmental committee and forming a not what i meant and you know it i don't want the usual delaying tactics this needs a sledgehammer we must cut through the red tape oh you can't cut tape with a sledgehammer minister minister you do me an injustice i was not about to suggest laying tactics oh sorry oh that's all right minister i was about to suggest that if we are to have a 25 quarter of women we need a much larger intake at the recruitment stage so that eventually there will be 25 in the top jobs you haven't got quite my drift i mean now oh you mean now got it in 100. minister it takes time to do things now the three articles of civil service faith it takes longer to do things quickly it's more expensive to do them cheaply and it's more democratic to do them in secret no i have suggested four years and i think that's masses of time oh dear me no i don't mean political time i mean real time civil servants are grown like like oak trees not mustard and crest they bloom and ripen with the seasons they mature like uh like like yourself well i was about to say like an old port like grimsby perhaps yes i was being serious minister yes i foresaw this problem and i propose we solve it by bringing in top women from outside the service to fill vacancies in the top jobs i don't think i quite understood watch my mouth happy we will bring in women from outside but the whole strength of the system is that it is incorruptible pure and unsullied by outside influence people move from job to job throughout industry why should the civil service be different well the civil service is different it demands subtlety discretion devotion to duty soundness sounds well said bernard civil servants require endless patience and boundless understanding they need to be able and willing to change horses midstream as the politicians change what they're pleased to call their minds and you have all these talents humphrey well it is just that one has been properly um matured like grimsby strange no hungry ask yourself seriously if there isn't something wrong with the system why are there so few women deputy secretaries well they keep leaving to have babies and things babies at the age of nearly 50 surely enough well i don't know minister really i don't i'm on your side we really do need more women at the top good cause i'm not waiting 25 years there's a vacancy deputy secretary in this department isn't there yes i shall appoint a woman sarah harrison sarah harris i think she's very able don't you very able for a woman for a person a very evil girl and she has ideas she is an original thinker yes i'm afraid that's true but she doesn't let it interfere with her work what have you got against her nothing i think she's quite excellent i'm a great supporter of hers i advocated her promotion last year to undersecretary at a very early age would you agree that she is an outstanding under secretary yes so on balance it is a good idea on balance yes and no it's not a very clear answer it's a balanced answer but surely you don't intend to tamper with the democratic rights of freely elected local government representative well no of course not local government isn't democratic local democracies are fast and the vast majority of people don't even know how their councillor is they never vote in a local election and those who do simply regard it as a popularity poll for the government here in westminster local councillors in practice are accountable to nobody they're public spirited citizens selflessly sacrificing their spare time have you ever met any occasionally when there was no alternative half of them are self-centered busy bodies on an ego trip and the other half are in it for what they can get out of it perhaps they want to be in the house of commons yeah i mean to see how a proper legislative assembly behavior anyhow i'm going to get a grip on him i have a plan you have a plan yes i'm going to insist that any local official who put up a plan costing more than say 10 000 pounds must accompany it with failure standards with what with a statement saying that he will have failed if his project does not achieve certain preset results or exceeds fixed time or staff or budget mr where did you get the idea for this dangerous nonsense from someone in the department minister i have warned you before about the dangers of speaking to people in the department i implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government it is a political graveyard but excuse me sir humphrey you cannot have a graveyard in a minefield because all the corpses would [Laughter] but you got me this job you said yes but i didn't expect you to do anything i mean you've never done anything before i am deaf to your computer please i beg you no no no no no humphrey i want specific proposals straight away and immediate plans for their implementation by local government know why you're in such a fuss about anyway i'm only proposing failure standards for local government not here in white hall though come to think of it if you insist on interfering in local government may i make a suggestion that could prove a very real vote winner humphrey i want to hear no more about opener an area of local government that needs urgent attention what civil defense you mean fallout shelters surely they're just a joke precisely minister at the moment they are a joke local authorities are dragging their feet but the highest duty of any government is to protect its citizens some people think that the building of shelters makes nuclear war more likely well if you have the weapons you must have the shelters sometimes wonder why we need the weapons minister you're not a unilateralist sometimes wonder you know well then you must resign from the government no no no no no i'm not that unilateralist the americans will always protect us from the russians would they russians who's talking about the russians independent deterrent let's protect us against the french that's astounding why well they're our allies our partners well they are now but they've been our enemies for most of the past 900 years if they got the bomb we must have the bomb no if it's for the french of course that's different makes a lot of sense yes can't trust the frogs this minister i agree with you i see now that there is a moral dimension to everything will you tell the press about the communications room or july [Laughter] you know all the scotch in qumran you mean to tell me if if i say then you must drop me in in the moral dimension this is completely different not the same thing at all why drinking it's not corruption no it's just a seat that's all we have deceived the qumrans i'm wracked with guilt tormented by the knowledge that we have violated their solomon sacred islamic law in their own country sooner or later we'll have to earn up and admit that it was all your idea it wasn't it was was it is it 50 lashes or a hundred we spoke to the curator they get an average of 11 visitors a day anyway it's a constituency mattress nothing to do with you or whitehall why are you so interested in it there is a question of principle principle you know what you used to tell me politics was about what principle the principle of taking money away from the arts and putting it into things like football a football club is a commercial operation there is no cause for subsidizing if it runs out of money why not why not yes why not there's no difference between subsidizing football and subsidizing art except that a lot more people are interested in football our cultural heritage has to be preserved for whom for people like you you mean for the educated middle classes why should the rest of the country subsidize the pleasures of the middle class few theater opera ballet subsidizing art in this country is nothing more than a middle-class rip-off oh minister how can you say such a thing subsidy is about education preserving the pinnacles of our civilization or haven't you noticed don't patronize me humphrey i believe in education too i'm a graduate of the london school of economics may i remind you well i'm um glad to learn that even the lse is not totally opposed to education nothing wrong with subsidizing sport sport is educational we have sex education too should we subsidize sex perhaps oh could we let us choose what we substitute by the extent of popular demand there's nothing wrong with that it's democratic but minister this is the thin end of the wedge what would happen to the royal opera house on such a basis the very summit of our cultural achievement royal opera house very good case in point and what do they do mozart wagner verdi puccini germans and italians not our culture where should we subsidize the culture of the axis powers our european partners minister the royal opera house gets about nine and a half million pounds of public money every year and for what the public can't afford 30 pound seats and if it could they can't get them there aren't enough of them the vast majority of the audience consists almost entirely of big business executives blocked booked by the banks and the oil companies and the multinationals and people like you royal opera house is the establishment to play why should the working man on the terraces foot the bill for the gentry in the stalls you could perfectly well afford to pay for their own seats i'm quite frankly appalled this is savagery barbarism but a minister of the crown should say these things it's the end of civilization as we know it as well as being a gross distortion of the truth distortion man art cannot survive without public subsidy did shakespeare get a public subsidy and what about films films are art films are educational why does the establishment ignore the subsidizing of films because people like you prefer opera we should be subsidizing modern relevant art like films that the men in the street season enjoys precisely they are commercial and now if you will excuse me i have to go early tonight i can no longer continue with this appalling discussion why where are you going nowhere in particular i'm sorry we must talk this through i can't i have to dress up grace where are you going since you insist i am going to the royal opera house oh you really carla knight is it yes it is since you asked that's the permanent secret is going to be there something no doubt or if you get them in nope i don't know make you late for your works outing you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

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Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, stand up, Sitcom, Comedian, Comic, Sketch show, yes minister, yes prime minister, nigel hawthorne, paul eddington, derek fowlds, jim hacker, sir humphrey appleby, sir humphrey, yes minister hacker, yes minister humphrey, hacker and humphrey, HACKER VS HUMPHREY: A Compilation | Yes Minister | BBC Comedy Greats, HACKER VS HUMPHREY: A Compilation, compilation, hacker vs humphrey, best of yes minister

Id: j4tXPx5Bk5w

Length: 38min 53sec (2333 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 07 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Animeshkatyayan]

It's an work of art. I can't imagine anything close ever being made.