Rise of Skywalker: A Complete Cinematic Failure

it's finally here star wars episode 9 the rise of Skywalker the final chapter in this complete cinematic failure known as the Star Wars sequel trilogy now thanks to Rian Johnson and the absolute horror show that was the last Jedi most of us had accepted that Star Wars was already dead all we were hoping for now was a semi-decent funeral a quiet respectful send-off to this once beloved franchise what we got instead was a nightmare beyond description a funeral yes but one where all the corpses had been pulled from their graves sticks jammed up their decaying buttholes so a team of puppeteers could force them to dance for our amusement the rise of Skywalker was Disney's last-ditch attempt to try and unite the fractured Star Wars fandom and it succeeded masterfully for Star Wars fans of all stripes are now united by their collective shock and horror forced to watch this horrific mockery of the thing they once loved each idiotic twist in the story like a twist of the knife in our collective hearts the dark priests responsible for this unholy abortion laughing mawkish Lee as they left us to bleed out in the street is this too dark I feel like I'm getting too dark here point is the rise of Skywalker sucks my balls this movie fails on so many levels that I don't even know if I can cover all of them but I'll try and real quick before any of you complain that this video is just more nerd pandering clickbait and unnecessarily elaborate takedown of a movie about space Wizards intended for children to you people I say shut the [ __ ] up Disney is a hundred and thirty billion dollar company which yes is responsible for much of the entertainment you and your idiot children consume if you really think this massive corporate entity should be allowed to feed your family garbage without facing any sort of criticism then fine go eat all the garbage you want but don't expect me to grab a fork and join you in line at the Applebee's dumpster because I don't eat garbage I just make fun of it on YouTube real quick before we get started don't forget to subscribe and click that little bell come on you know you want to click the bell for daddy do it you filthy number one Kathleen Kennedy and the no good very bad plan now it seems impossible to talk about this movie's failings without first addressing the failed creative writing a assignment that is the Star Wars sequel trilogy as a whole now anyone who's ever taken a basic creative writing course likely knows the importance of planning out your story while it's not impossible to craft a compelling narrative on the fly I would argue that the majority of the world's greatest literary works were the result of dedicated writers thinking long and hard that's what she said about the stories they wished to tell designing truly compelling characters figuring out the various trials those characters would face all while building towards a satisfying climax she said of course not every story requires an elaborate set of plans for instance if you're telling the simple comedic tale of a down-on-his-luck convenience store clerk finding out his girlfriend has entertained 37 gentlemen callers using only her mouth 37 dicks in a row you can likely get away with just a simple outline but let's say you were telling a bigger story for instance let's say you were in charge of planning the final three episodes in a nine part science fiction saga an epic space fantasy with five decades of established lore and iconic characters and a franchise worth more than the entire gross domestic product of Liberia would you a hire a team of writers to meticulously plan out the entire saga from beginning to end or option B let the creator of felicity lock himself in an abandoned lighthouse with a giant pile of cocaine and bang out the script in one horrifying coke-fueled frenzy unfortunately for us movie goers Kathleen Kennedy went with option B well maybe not the cocaine lighthouse that part I made up but it is true that for reasons that no logical human being will ever understand JJ Abrams was given full rein to craft the first installment of the sequel trilogy without providing any sort of roadmap for how the rest of the saga should play out it is hard to put into words just how [ __ ] insane that is and I can only imagine Kathleen Kennedy was too busy enjoying a high-powered Hollywood blood orgy to pay attention to what she was signing off on because while the force awakens did get fans excited with its many interesting story hooks with no established plan for how to deliver on those hooks the saga was fundamentally broken from the beginning how can you possibly establish meaningful character arcs when you don't even know who these characters are I think the perfect summary for this entire saga is the literal mystery box contained in the spooky alien grandma's basement within that box is Anakin's lightsaber representing the lazy and nostalgia bait this trilogy is filled with an attempt to excite the audience with memories of the previous movies while offering nothing new of substance touching the lightsaber raise mind is overloaded with a series of short bizarre scenes much like how this saga is overloaded with half-baked ideas all of which blink by so fast you can barely make sense of them and when Han Solo asks Maz Kanata how she got this lightsaber pass just says a good question for another time this is a perfect summary of the entire writing philosophy of this trilogy the idea that you the audience should stop asking questions turn off your [ __ ] brain and chew through your $14 bag of corn like a good obedient consumer that one line is the answer to every single question in these movies why is Rey so powerful a good question who is Snoke a good question what does kylo Ren want a good question for another time well mother this is the third and final movie in the trilogy and you've now got about a hundred questions for another time the answers to which all need to be crammed into your already overloaded script you gambled big on this hope that the audience would be stupid enough to simply clap our hands at the exciting special effects while ignoring the massive holes in this trilogy the audience is so smart [Applause] but unfortunately for you some big brained jackasses on YouTube had to go and make a bunch of comprehensive video essays explaining in great detail how these movies are the narrative equivalent of a McDonald's ball pit filled with broken needles on the surface bright colorful and fun below the surface broken 50 needles point is the audience arrives at the rise of Skywalker's staring out at a sea of JJ Abrams stupid mystery boxes and expecting for those mysteries to finally be answered and JJ Abrams the most brilliant man in Hollywood decides the best way to do that is to devote half the plot to retconning the previous movie [ __ ] me number 2 Star Wars the last gotcha now those of you familiar with my channel are likely aware that I am NOT a big fan of the previouse film in this trilogy Rian Johnson's the last Jedi I am not exaggerating when I say that Johnson basically destroyed the Star Wars franchise beyond repair subverting our expectations with bizarre political takes on war profiteering breaking all the rules of space combat by demonstrating that any Cruiser with a hyperspace Drive has enough power to blow up an entire goddamn fleet and having one of the greatest heroes in the history of science fiction argue that anyone willing to use violent force to protect the weak is some sort of idiot that being said and I know this will sound crazy there are things about the last Jedi that I actually like at least in theory though Johnson's many themes were implemented with the precision of homers makeup shotgun the themes themselves are worth consideration the idea that the endless struggle between good and evil is an illusion worth abandoning the idea that greatness can manifest in anyone even those lacking some gifted lineage or the idea that heroes sometimes stumble and fall and that true heroism is accepting one's mistakes and overcoming them these are all good themes but they were communicated horribly I think you can show heroes struggling with the weight of their legacy without reducing them to the status of pathetic huh foes eagerly guzzling monster titty milk Oh yes this I also think you can discuss whether justice is found at the end of a blade without tossing aside one of the franchise's most iconic artifacts for the sake of a cheap laugh point is though Ryan Johnson's clumsy script forever damage to the Star Wars franchise I would argue that it at least provided some ideas that deserved to be expanded upon with the mystery of Rey's parentage solved in kylo Ren assuming command of the first order the stage was set for a final battle between two conflicting ideologies one character believing the past binds people the weakness and ignorance the other believing that the past is a source of wisdom and strength but instead JJ Abrams and his idiot cousin Chris Terrio decided that the better path forward was to try and undo every single plot point established by the last Jedi he made a lot of surprising story choices in in last Jedi what surprised you most about that I think the most surprising thing you know for me was was the the the the way he I think you know he'd went for something that was an entirely counter intuitive this trilogy is no longer one congruent story but instead an insane tug-of-war between two rich white kids fighting over the correct way to play with their action figures first we had JJ Abrams as your typical a DD addled dweeb slamming his Star Wars figures together for two hours with only the flimsiest of plot to support his love of loud and moronic action then Rian Johnson the weird sensitive artistic kid found JJ's discarded toys in the sandbox and decided to dress them up in ball gowns and have them kiss each other then JJ who remember had abandoned these toys without the instruction manual for how to play with them got mad that the weird kid with the list was using them to make queer little stage plays which is how we arrived at the rise of Skywalker a movie directed by a bully hoping to prove that his expensive action figure playset is better than Rian Johnson's Malibu Stacy Dream House and to prove this he's willing to burn that dollhouse to the ground with all your favorite Star Wars figures hopelessly trapped inside good so whereas Rian Johnson subverted our expectations by flushing every one of the force awakens plot setups down the toilet JJ Abrams has subverted our expectations by taking that septic tank full of discarded mystery boxes and turning it into a [ __ ] bomb don't believe me let's take a look at all the shitty retcons in this movie number one Snoke dies setting kylo Ren up to be the true villain of this franchise gotcha Palpatine's back he's the real bad guy Anakin Skywalker's entire Redemption arc was based around killing Monster Mash and Ethan failed at it what an idiot number two you thought Snoke was nobody gotcha he's a [ __ ] clone deal with it we got a million smokes for some reason I don't know why they need more than one but they got him number three Rey's parents are nobodies filthy junk traitors wrong her parents reads she's got a magic Grampa everybody with Star Wars powers has a magic grandpa Robert the magic cave where she went looking for the source of her powers and found only herself you Palpatine was right off screaming idiot you should have seen him number four kylo Ren is done pretending to be Darth Vader he's his own man now gotcha omit is back mother you're gonna get a space monkey to fix the helmet Vader 2.0 right here I don't want to kill the Past anymore I want my mass back give me back my mass number five well kylos mask that's not important we still have the scene where Luke Skywalker's lightsaber braixen have that represents the theme of destroying the past gotcha the lightsaber spine is somebody fixed it maybe the slug who cares don't kill the past we're done with that theme this movies about killing your grandpa that's what's important town number six rose and Finn they're kissy face and they're in love gotcha JJ Abrams does not like interracial romances black guy gets a black girlfriend we can't cross the races okay no more kisses for Rose she gets a nice French and I thought this children thanks for helping out sport now go [ __ ] off in the background where no one can see you let's blur you out there that's much better number seven Luke Skywalker has a band in the way of the sword he's a pacifist now fights with his mind got shitty love laser swords don't forget your laser sword laser swords are the most important thing you get two of them now two laser swords better than one number eight the whole dough maneuver anybody with a spaceship now can blow up anything gotcha it's a one-in-a-million shot whatever that means we need to put some hold on the nervous do some real damage come on that move is one in a million we've got interstellar travel but nobody has time to crunch the numbers on how to replicate the most devastating weapon ever seen in this universe we can't do it again for some reason whatever number nine Luke's confusing sacrifice apparently inspires a new generation of heroes like you see this kid as the force you know so I guess the next movie will probably see some new force users or maybe some of Luke's old Jedi students will show back up caption though it's just three people get to have magic powers nobody else then I guess has powers now but only the power in a sense what spaceship has its navigational beacon active and that signal is coming from that command ship how do you know feeling terrible power how does the Force know what spaceships are doing okay whatever number ten Luke says he's not gonna be the last Jedi heavily implying that raid will revive the Jedi Order she's probably gonna open her own Jedi Academy train the next generation of no doubt suit race she's the last Jedi no more Jedi okay the movie doesn't have with her like I'm gonna go train more Jedi she says no my name is Rey Skywalker for some reason the star wars are all over no more Star Wars can I go get a beer maybe Finn will be a Jedi and he could train another Jedi how to figure out which spaceships are turned on what the hell number three sleep well my cocaine princess now when I first started watching this movie I actually tricked myself into thinking I was going to like it that first scene with kylo Ren on the lava planet kickin ass pushing his TIE fighter to the limit storming towards a spooky pyramid it all had a certain energy I thought it was a perfect way to start off the film get the audience's blood pumping before slowing things down and getting into some actual character moments but then it didn't slow down it just kept going constantly jumping from scene to scene we ever stopping to breathe first kylo Ren is running then Rey is running then everybody is running and in the rare circumstances where the characters stop running long enough to have a meaningful conversation that usually lasts about two seconds before we get back to everyone running and screaming and jumping and whatever the [ __ ] else point is the pacing of this film is a nightmare because they're trying to jam what feels like an entire Disney Plus miniseries worth of plot into a single two-hour movie he'll Chris Terrio himself basically admitted that the movie would have been better if it had been split into two parts but Disney said Jesus Christ no this franchise is already crippled beyond repair let's just finish shooting it in the head and be done with it so what we're left with is a disorienting mess of a film one that moves so quickly that not even a single scene delivers any emotional impact like hey remember when ray and killed Chewbacca seems like that should have been a big deal right but instead it was like oh well beloved legacy characters dead no time to think about that [ __ ] we got to go meet Carrie Russell and then another two seconds later we find out it was a fake out which is just confusing like I guess Chewbacca was on a perfectly identical spaceship that took off at the same exact time okay why why didn't you pretend to kill Chewbacca how did that make the movie better anyway Chewbacca might still be alive but you know who's dead Carrie Fisher tragically died from loving cocaine just a little too much an incredible actress whose iconic role entertained millions as well as giving many of us our very first boners a woman who even after she faded from the spotlight continued to make movie magic lending her legendary ghost writing skills to films like hook sister act and the wedding singer so how does the rise of Skywalker pay tribute to this Hollywood legend with an 8-second funeral her lifeless body stuffed under a sheet well a CGI monster woman pretends to have real emotions dear princess are you [ __ ] kidding me I gotta be honest it's actually incredible how all three of these films managed to kill off an iconic Star Wars character in the most pointless stupid and emotionally Hollow manner possible none of these deaths made me feel anything and I'm a big weepy baby who cried when the [ __ ] blue guy died in guardians of the galaxy somehow we live in a world where a CT or comic book character gets a glorious three-minute funeral where every member of the cast stops and pays tribute to the memory of a fallen hero but because JJ Abrams tried to put too much [ __ ] in one movie Terry Kingfisher gets eight seconds under a dirty sheet Leia deserved better Carrie Fisher deserves better this movie ray [Music] may the force be with you you number four fetch quest the motion picture now like I said there's too much got-dang plot in this movie and the stupid thing is it's not even a good plot for some reason co-writers JJ dum-dums and the guy who wrote Batman V Superman really you could have got any writer in Hollywood but you went with the guy who wrote a Superman movie where Superman gets framed for killing a bunch of black people okay fine anyway these two knuckleheads thought it would be a good idea to structure their script like a bad RPG fetch quest now for those of you unfamiliar with the concept bets quests are video game filler missions tasking the player with seeking out some pointless resource or mystical artifact for the purpose of artificially extending the game's length sorry brave warrior I can't let you into the city until you bring me three magic crystals you know [ __ ] like that now when you're designing a sixty plus hour RPG Shore not every side mission is going to be a tightly crafted adventure but movies are supposed to be thought out concise narratives not elaborate Easter egg hunts to find a bunch of stupid nonsense first kylo Ren has to find a magic triangle then ray finds out about the magic triangle so her and her friends go on a quest to find a different magic triangle to find the magic triangle first they have to find the magic knife but oh [ __ ] the magic knife has magic riding on it so we have to do a different fetch quest to find someone who can help c-3po read magic I mean he can read magic he just isn't allowed to say it out loud for some reason what if oh and in the middle of this Chewbacca gets kidnapped but thankfully Poe's girlfriend has a magic coin to get on any spaceship that's convenient the bad guys are apparently so stupid that they've gotten rid of all the codes and verification from previous movies do they have a code clearance transmitting humans code now and now just have magic coins sure whatever anyway they finally find the second magic triangle but kylo Ren breaks it so now they have to take his first magic triangle this is so stupid I mean look it'd be one thing if this movie was just about chasing down magical artifacts lots of movies are about that but the artifacts in this movie don't make any sense first of all what is a synth wayfinder apparently it's a magic triangle that knows how to get to the Seth homeworld of X ago but like why what what is the purpose of keeping that information contained on a pair of random artifacts hidden away on remote planets and surrounded by traps and other [ __ ] when the delivery guy calls it Palpatine and says hey I'm here to drop off the necessary raw material required to build a thousand Star Destroyers because I assume you're scary lightning planet doesn't also have a robust mining operation does Palpatine tell him to get two eggs ago you must first locate a Sith wayfinder okay where do I get that to locate a synth wayfinder you must first obtain the magic dagger of ganda okay where do I get that I gave it to oh who the [ __ ] is okie oh jeez the weirdest ass and I hired to find my granddaughter and kill her parents okay and why did you give him the knife I don't know look I can't even convince the UPS guy to ring my doorbell before he leaves one of those sorry we must use stickers on my door imagine I tell him that to find my address he first needs to go and translate a magic knife then go to the beach miraculously figure out exactly where he needs to stand so the little dingle bit on the knife points to where the magic triangle is so he could plug it into his truck to figure out my address that UPS guys gonna throw my package in the sewer and again the worst part of this whole thing is that they spend the whole movie looking for the magic triangle and then kylo Ren just breaks it so all this time they wasted with getting the knife and erasing c-3po all of this it was meaningless because they just ended up stealing a completely different triangle from kylo Ren how do you write this crap number five the Knights of ringg real quick I just need to mention that the Knights of Ren are so frickin stupid the first movie got us so hyped up for these guys kylo Ren has his own army of knights oh my god I bet they totally pay it is well then ryan johnson forgot to put them in the second movie and gave us these Playmobil looking mother figures instead twirling around and [ __ ] stupid so now we got to cram the night somewhere in this third movie where again we have no time to explore any characters at all so the Knights of Ren do absolutely nothing they get exactly three scenes and they all suck scene 1 they walk down a hallway we're so bad ass good stuff scene 2 they show up in the desert and you think there's gonna be like an awesome combat scene with Chewbacca going beast mode and they all fight with the now none of that the one character who famously hates being put in handcuffs three of you handing me those binders there will ya I'm gonna put these on you you you put those on but instead of putting up a fight he says oh yeah okay yeah I'm a prisoner now fine I'm ten feet tall and a member of a proud warrior race but slap those cuffs on Johnny Law I'm ready to serve my time scene number three they wail on kylo Ren a little bit but are kind enough to not just cut off his head instead waiting until he has a magic teleporting lightsaber and can kick all their asses very nice of them to take it easy on him until he's able to obtain a weapon that can kill all of them the Knights of Ren ladies and gentlemen continuing the fine Star Wars tradition of the coolest-looking characters getting killed off like total [ __ ] number six Dragon Ball Time now however stupid the first two movies in this trilogy were they always seemed a hundred times stupider when you remember that everything in them takes place over the span of about a week the force awakens in the last Jedi are set back-to-back meaning that on Monday Rey meets bb-8 tuesdays she gets a lightsaber Wednesday she's already won her first lightsaber duel Thursday Friday Saturday she trains with Luke Skywalker confronts her inner demons and by Sunday she's a full-on rock lifting Jedi Master and they told us she's not a Mary Sue if you think that's ridiculous consider that Luke Skywalker completely abandoned the way of the Jedi exiling himself for half a decade yet all it took was three days hanging with some dumb British girl for him to get his groove back these radical character changes happen so quickly that it's not even comical it's just sad now thankfully the rise of Skywalker is set one year after the last Jedi giving our characters time to evolve off screen when rey reveals she has another new set of miraculous powers at least this time we can assume it's due to her actually taking some time to train and develop these new skills unfortunately the movie quickly abandons this new sensible take on time frames to immediately implement an idiotic ticking time bomb element that will be in effect for the rest of the movie and sixteen hours' attacks on all three worlds begin 16 hours what you're telling me everything in this movie is supposed to take place in 16 hours in 16 hours they manage to go to three different planets Hotwire a droid staged a daring Prison Break have three different face offs with kylo Ren pay a visit to Luke Skywalker's ghost then miraculously all make it to X ago before Palpatine can launch his fleet this is what we call Dragonball time it's like when Frieza tells go coop that the planet namek is going to explode in five minutes then eight episodes later they're still beating the crap out of each other with plenty of time left on the clock simply put there is no way everything in this movie happens in under 16 hours and I have no idea why they added this stupid time limit to begin with here's another hilarious example in the novelization of rise of Skywalker we apparently learned that Rey repaired and rewired Luke's x-wing using parts from kylo Ren's TIE fighter how the fog did that take you try going to a mechanic tell him hey I've got a 1979 Ford Fiesta that's been rotting under the ocean for about a decade how long do you think it would take to get that running again like 15 minutes I've only got 16 hours to save the entire galaxy so you know hurried up it's this stupid plot device that is responsible for much of the movies terrible pacing and it makes scenes like this one seem totally ridiculous listen lady we ain't got time for this an elephant people rave you only got 16 hours to save the galaxy you know should tell the elephant kid when she asks for your name you that's my name I ain't got time for this [ __ ] get these beads off me leave me alone I gotta go kill my magic grandpa speaking of which number seven Ray's magic grandpa now when they revealed Emperor Palpatine was coming back for this movie we all knew it was going to be stupid as hell watch this least you can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half it was an especially bad sign when they couldn't even get Ian McDermott to dress up for the poster and had to use a stock photo of an action figure instead yes that really happened now Palpatine returning as the ultimate villain is dumb for a number of reasons it undercuts the last Jedi which set up kylo Ren is the true villain of the saga it undoes the thrilling climax of Return of the Jedi not to mention canceling the whole prophecy about Anakin Skywalker being the one who would end the Seth look they got ahold sif planet so the Anakin Skywalker did nothing great and it's yet another example of JJ Abrams being unable to come up with his own original ideas preferring to simply steal the plots of previous movies and reconstruct them with some lame twist seeing Wrath of Khan Spock sacrifices himself to save Kirk but in my movie Kirk sacrifices himself to save Spock you see what I did there you get it got him a terrible writer so whatever it was clear JJ Abrams brought Palpatine back so he could do a lazy recreation of return of the jedis Redemption plot the Darth Vader wannabe would fight the Luke Skywalker Pretender fake Skywalker lady would win yet spare his life an act which returns Darth junior to the side of good as he ultimately sacrifices himself to defeat the Emperor yay we get to watch the same movie again how exciting but there was a twist one so impossibly stupid that I felt all the energy drained from my body as Darth Vader jr. gave away the true secret of Rey's lineage you don't just have power you have his power you're his granddaughter you are a Palpatine [Music] it was at this exact moment that I knew I was no longer watching a piece of cinematic excellence crafted by dedicated artists no I was watching the stupidest action figure play set fanboy wish-fulfillment [ __ ] being given a two hundred and seventy five million dollar budget join me I can't do that one of the most expensive films in the history of cinema and it delivers on to the audience what reeks of the worst possible fanfiction like I said before one of the few good things about the last Jedi is how it abandoned all the stupid fan theories about Rey inheriting her powers from some magic ancestor because the character with a magic lineage already exists in this franchise and his name is kylo Ren I rather liked how Rey was a counterpoint to kylo showing the audience how even some backwater hick can obtain power equal to the great child of Destiny one character born into greatness the other coming from nothing it was this difference between kylo Ren and Rey that made this trilogy at least somewhat interesting but now they're the same in character both of them got their powers from their magic grandpa both of them have a pointless struggle to resist the legacy of their dark bloodline even though that theme was already covered in the original trilogy so why are we doing it again and both of them ultimately make the same boring predictable choice to fulfill their destiny as action figure heroes and challenge the ultimate evil because they're a dyad whatever the [ __ ] that means so good all the stupidest people get to have their fan theories validated and JJ Abrams gets to pretend he always had an explanation for Rey's absurd power level this idea that greatness can manifest in anyone the only good theme from this trilogy well forget the only way to be great in the Star Wars universe is to have a magic grandpa if your grandpa isn't magic you number eight Babu frickin rules okay there's this little alien dude named Babu Frick and he's the only good thing in the movie that's all number nine Palpatine's stupid Star Destroyers I'm gonna actually break with the insults for a minute and pay JJ Abrams a compliment the man has an incredible talent for producing gorgeous visual spectacle however as we've discussed JJ's biggest problem seems to be that his focus on creating these exciting visuals far outweighs his interest in explaining them the perfect example of this comes at the very beginning of the movie we learned that the greatest villain in the entire Star Wars saga is somehow still alive a revelation that should be earth-shattering but instead has almost no emotional impact on the audience because it was thrown away as marketing material for a special fortnight fan events what can we expect from episode 9 before I talk about that we discussed how good I look here yes like BTS JJ for the record I still don't know what fortnight is and anyone in the comments who tries to explain it is banned for my channel I don't care anyway because JJ Abrams somehow can't find a way to make the return of the ultimate Star Wars villain interesting onto itself he instead gives us a scene where the emperor uses the force to lift what looks like a thousand goddamn Star Destroyers up from beneath the surface of the planet now when I saw the scene in the trailer my first reaction was hey look at all those stardestroyers that looks pretty cool which is exactly how JJ wants you to feel a gut emotional reaction to these big impressive visuals but like much of JJ's writing if you take more than five seconds to think about those visuals you realize they make absolutely no sense here's a couple random questions number one how is Palpatine not already taken over the universe let's be extremely generous and assume a Star Destroyer weighs about as much as the International Space Station that means each of these ships weighs 900 thousand pounds if the emperor can lift a thousand of them using the force alone he basically has the power of a god why did he waste time building Death Star's when he could probably rip planets from orbit just by thinking about it the idea that this tiny British girl poses any sort of threat to him is comical number two this should be obvious who the [ __ ] built these things now it's hard to run the exact numbers but we're gonna assume that Star Destroyers are basically aircraft carriers in space right okay well in the real world America's aircraft carriers are all built by Newport News Shipbuilding a company of 23,000 people and historically it takes them about five years to build one aircraft carrier so running the numbers if Palpatine needs a thousand Star Destroyers built in just thirty years he would need a shipbuilding enterprise of about four million people didn't this guy just lose a war how on earth does he have the money to hire four million shipbuilders or maybe he already had the Star Destroyers and they were just hiding on the planet in which case maybe you should have used him to protect that second Death Star of yours that could have been pretty helpful in that battle oh and in addition all these shipbuilders number three where did you get the crew for all these frickin ships according to Wikipedia a typical Star Destroyer has a crew of about 40,000 people so we've been abusing these things on a skeleton crew of about 20 percent occupancy that's still another eight million [ __ ] people what the [ __ ] where's how how on earth not to mention that these eight million people all need to be willing to live underground for years all awaiting the arrival of some punk kid you've been messing with for the past three decades well I wish we weren't buried underground but I guess we have to wait for this kid to show up that way Palpatine can majestically lift us all up into the air at once even though he's inside and we're outside so how's how's that kid even gonna see it god I hope that kid shows up soon we've been buried down here like two years we are we are running out of air now for those of you who watch my channel you may have seen my video where I go through the official rise of Skywalker companion book which contains a variety of hilariously terrible explanations for these stupid plot holes the official explanation is that all of the ships were built by the sitter know those spooky cultists in the background of the Emperor's claw machine while the ship's cruise consists entirely of children born to those cultists that means that at his lowest point desperately clinging to life and with his every resource depleted or destroyed Palpatine somehow assembled a secret cult of eight million people to [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of each other and build spaceships Emperor Palpatine ladies and gentlemen the greatest motivator in the history of the galaxy oh hey there how's it going because we're about a halfway through this thing thanks for sticking with me I couldn't help but notice some of you have not subscribed yet what you know it's fine you know I can't force you to subscribe but uh I mean why not all you got to do is click a button and you bring this fat man joy why don't you give something new a try okay you know this this life we're living where we're trapped in our homes this is the only entertainment black smoke creators making individual videos be a part of it just hit the button alright number 10 Finn done dirty real quick I want to talk about Finn the character whose potential I think was tragically wasted by this trilogy in the force awakens it seems clear that Finn has some sort of important role to play in this saga he has a strange and intriguing connection with kylo Ren an affinity for Jedi weaponry and an unknown mysterious past lots of interesting stuff I looked forward to the series exploring but instead Finn has devolved into nothing more than the most dedicated Rey fanboy his only purpose seems to be following her around like a stupid puppy dog constantly screaming her name for some reason [Music] as the last time we're ever gonna see the character of fen they probably should have found something important for him to do in this movie but instead all he does is keep talking about how he has something important to tell ray-ray I never told you it's like a major recurring bit when you're sinking in the sand you said I never told you I'll tell you later I mean one pose that here we wait the whole movie to find out what this important thing is he's been hiding from her and then the movie ends and we never find out what was that now this is my reckless assumption but it is common knowledge that this movie went through a whole bunch of reshoots and they probably tested multiple endings to see which one played best with audiences I honestly assumed that the original ending had Finn confessing his love for Rey and the two of them walking off into the sunset to make gorgeous interracial babies but then Disney probably realized the Chinese would react negatively to race-mixing so they went with the shitty reloj angle instead leaving us with this bizarre subplot that never gets resolved even it's already slow [Music] so yeah I'm totally with John boyega when he says he's done with this Star Wars [ __ ] what would it take to get you to come back to do thin again in wool I mean I don't know if Finn is you ain't gonna Disney Plus me I again no Disney Play dude seems like a good actor a leading man who was sorely missed cast as an annoying pratfall sidekick I look forward to seeing more from You mr. boo Yaga Godspeed number 11 never tell me the odds now it's obviously a classic Star Wars trope to have the good guys overcome impossible odds based on sheer scrappiness alone the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1 never tell me the odds that being said there's such a thing as overcoming bad odds and then there's this [ __ ] you know Qingwei yes I am willing to believe one scrappy farm boy is able to nail a one-in-a-million shot with the help of his magic wizard stepdad but no you can't convince me that these 12 resistance fighters would last more than two seconds against a thousand big star destroyers and what's their plan to blow up a navigation beacon what the hell is that ships that size need help taking off now I've can't tell which way is up out there so how do the ships take off they use a signal from a navigation tower like this one you're telling me they've got a thousand goddamn ships and none of them can take off if you break Palpatine's DirecTV satellite palpatine you had 4 million [ __ ] people building spaceships why didn't you have them build a thousand goddamn navigation towers while you were at it you fingerless [ __ ] then when do you think this battle can't get any stupider the resistance brings out their secret weapon they've landed a troop carrier Java speed is a concept when often and are using speed is space horses me I'm dying here's an idea if a bunch of morons on space horses start causing trouble for your spaceship try this crazy move tilt the goddamn ship like 30 degrees I'll try standing that's a good trick problem-solve and remember in the last movie when they were facing down what like eight eighty eighty s literally nobody in the galaxy could be bothered to help out our distress signals been received at multiple points but no response but now when the odds are about a billion times worse everybody is suddenly on board no here's everybody we're all here to help come on am I really supposed to believe that the story of Luke's confusing sacrifice was enough to convince everybody in the frickin galaxy to come to this clearly unwinnable battle you're all going to die you can't there's no way you're going to win anyway yeah this battle is so stupid once again we have JJ taking the plot of Return of the Jedi and saying well that would add a space battle so let's put a space battle in this one except make it a thousand times bigger you know cuz that's more exciting more spaceships equals better good right and JJ keep it up number 12 the tragedy of Ben solo Adam driver is such an amazing actor he's quite possibly the only person who could take this terribly written emo psychopath and somehow find a way to give him a compelling stage presence which is why perhaps the greatest tragedy of this series is how stupid his character ended up being decades from now when Adam driver is memorialized as one of the greatest actors of his generation will probably remark on what a shame it is that he gave so much of his talent to three of the most awful movies in history if I was looking forward to anything from the rise of Skywalker it was to see kylo Ren take the center stage as the final villain of the series and for him to finally reveal to the audience exactly why he strayed to the path of evil my assumption was we discovered that kylo Ren was a villain similar to Thanos someone who didn't braced evil with the belief it was the only way to achieve a higher good I thought that perhaps he had studied the eternal struggle between Jedi and Sith and come to believe that the struggle would continue to fuel endless wars unless one man was brave enough to show the burden of destroying them both thus if the Jedi the rebels let it all die but unfortunately JJ Abrams is a big dumb idiot who probably had this conversation with himself I know Ryan set it up to make kylo Ren the bad guy but Adam driver can't be the bad guy he's too pretty bad guys are supposed to have scary monster faces like Palpatine hey why don't we just make the big guy Palpatine okay so we're flipping the script we're ditching Ryan's versions and going back to the boring obvious Redemption arc because again JJ Abrams isn't capable of coming up with new ideas he just has to do the whole Darth Vader sacrifice again except this time there's a million Star Destroyers in the background so it's different means no not really but I still wanted to know why kylo Ren turned to evil this is the character directly responsible for the death of both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker I want to know what sort of ideology drove him to kill his father and push his mentor to the point of having a deadly force stroke well this movie gives us a reason and what is it basically kylo Ren is evil because a creepy old man went into his head and made funny voices I have been inside that's it it wasn't because kylo had some radical plan for reforming the galaxy or because he found fault in the legacy of heroism laid out by his famous family no it was just some jackass making prank calls in his head while using a giant jell-o mold to bake monster mentors to help torment this poor kid so what does kylo Ren do when he learns his entire life has been a lie that he was deceived into believing he was fundamentally broken into believing that the legacy of his dark bloodline demanded that he Massacre his fellow Jedi in training and most of his family learning all this his response is yeah well what are you gonna do what are you kidding me the character who reacts with insane rage at every minor sleight learns he's been played with like a puppet for decades and his reaction is oh hey that's how the cookie crumbles am i right then Palpatine starts promising him spaceships and kylo is excited about all the free spaceships who cares dude your life is a sham cut the old man's head off and be done with it for a guy who spent the entire last movie talking about killing off the past but the past time kill it if you have to you sure do immediately abandon that idea when the past shows up and offers you a brand new army with fancy red armor Jesus Christ what is the theme of this franchise so kylo Ren who previously was evil because he was being tricked by an ancient wizard decides to continue being evil for no reason whatsoever he decides he wants to rule the galaxy with Rey after they kill Palpatine which I mean you were in the room with him why didn't you just stab him right then or do you first need pallfy to sign over the title for all the Star Destroyers whatever this doesn't make any sense and not only does it make no sense why kylo Ren continues to be evil after learning he was completely manipulated into it but it's also unclear why he suddenly stops being evil after one voicemail from his mommy is that all kylo Ren needed to stop being evil a single phone call from mom [ __ ] if that's all it takes why didn't she make that call years ago maybe instead of wasting all the resistances money on these terrible bombers you should have just bought 30 seconds of airtime on the Khorasan Network hello kylo Ren this is a special message from mommy I love you please please stop be evil now please thank you okay then Han Solo's ghost shows up except it's not really as ghosts because it's not blue it's a memory whatever that means if it was the real Han Solo he'd probably say something like ow why the [ __ ] did you stab me I'm sorry I didn't know what what didn't you know you didn't know that getting stabbed in the stomach hurts like a son of a [ __ ] oh it hurts so bad sorry I didn't know why did you bring me back you know I thought we could have a discussion maybe you can tell me not to be evil anymore I don't give up what you do I'm dead dad I love you I don't care wish me back into the ether I want to be dead again Oh God so anyway some weird combination of dead mom dead dad and all those dead kylo Ren somehow he calls the return of Ben solo almost completing this boring is sin Redemption arc the only thing left to do now is awkwardly jam in a crazy forest romance to please the idiotic fangirls now yeah what is happening why let's be clear whatever relationship Rey and kylo have is the clinical definition of unhealthy there is absolutely no reason these characters should be together imagine meeting them at a party so uh how did you guys meet oh he kidnapped me strapped me to a chair and tried to mind rape me well to be fair honey you did cut open my face well yes but only after you killed my new father figure anyway the virgin Ben solo gets so excited that a girl is kissing him that he apparently has a heart attack a scene so stupid that most of the people in my local movie theater laughed out loud again all the heart and soul Adam driver poured into this terribly written character and he just opened like a little [ __ ] at the end remember when Vader died and you kind of felt something you weren't laughing your ass off oh god these movies Adam thanks for trying buddy you did what you could number thirteen Palpatine's plan makes no goddamn sense alright so originally this was an eight-minute segment about how Palpatine's plan makes no sense because Chris Terrio is the worst writer in Hollywood like he tells kylo to kill ray but he doesn't actually want to kill ray he wants to live inside her body he has to get her to X goal so there's like a scavenger hunt with the knife which I guess you set up 30 years in advance doesn't really make any sense anyway that section was way too analytical and not really funny so instead I'm just gonna talk about how Palpatine dies like a little [ __ ] number 13 Palpatine dies like a little [ __ ] okay now first of all we we have no idea why Palpatine is still alive how do you survive this how this is basically a nuclear explosion in space like there's no way you survive this and the only thing you lose is some of your fingers thankfully one of the hobbits has a great explanation it cannot be the Emperor is dead toxins cloning secrets OD that's it you I'm sorry did you say cloning was a secret only the synth knew did you ever hear a little thing called the Clone Wars you know when geneticists helped create millions of clones to fight alongside the Jedi those are dark secrets only the Sith know to shut up anyway that's not even the big problem what I really have to ask is how is it dude who can electrocute a billion starships somehow defeated by two lightsabers that's all it takes this dude has complete mastery of the dark side of the force but couldn't figure out that if you cross two lightsabers you can just bounce that [ __ ] right back what an oopsie the biggest oopsie oh my gosh big oopsie no recovery come to think of it why does Palpatine continue to use force lightning it's such a shitty power every time he tries to use it he gets his ass handed to him oh and one more thing when Rey crosses the sabers into an X how did they not use this for the soundtrack I knew the Jedi number fourteen the rise of Rey Skywalker I can't believe this is now the official ending of the Skywalker saga I liked the old ending where everybody had a funny walk party and you got to imagine what amazing adventures were in store for Luke and his friends but now Luke and his friends are all [ __ ] dead Oh pointlessly killed off for the sake of trying to develop the most boring protagonist in the history of the franchise at least Lando still alive and I guess he's going to bang this chick who's like a quarter of his age wait that's his daughter oh whatever anyway ray takes Luke and Leia's lightsabers which we're now supposed to believe are super important even though in the last movie Luke gave a big speech about how lightsabers are stupid and Leia probably used that thing like twice before she gave up on the whole Jedi experience but whatever I guess they're console's live inside them now or some [ __ ] so ray takes the lightsabers and buries them outside the ruins of luke's childhood home I guess maybe Luke has fond memories of that place but it's also where his foster parents got turned into skeletons so I don't really know if that's where you'd want to spend the rest of his days meanwhile lay his only connection to Tatooine is that she spent some time here as the sex slave of a giant mutant slug so yeah definitely layer to rest in this sandy hellhole so she can forever reflect on the time she wore a metal bikini and had a slug lick her face now at its core Star Wars is about family it's about family that's what I just said there was a good joke here but I think people will report me to youtube if I keep it in go watch it on patreon anyway what I was trying to say is that the true victory of the original trilogy was not defeating the Empire but rather redeeming the Skywalker family bloodline Luke resisting the dark side and refusing to kill his father was perhaps the most important act in the entire saga because that act represented a complete triumph over the dark side whereas the Emperor believed evil is inherent to one's blood that people are simply born either good or bad Luke demonstrated that even the most tainted bloodline can still have good in it and it's this revelation which causes Vader to turn on the Emperor reinforcing the idea that even the darkest of souls can be returned to the light but that now seems hollow as despite being redeemed the Skywalker bloodline simply dies off we do not get to see the next great generation of Skywalker's just an old man dying alone on a rock so what's the moral you should resist the dark side but don't expect anything good to come from it the best you can hope for is a teddy bear picnic and maybe a nice little hut to sit in and wait to die [ __ ] depressing well at least Leia can carry on the Skywalker line nope she's dead too what about Ben solo also dead and with his death also dies the solo bloodline leaving absolutely no one to carry on the legacy of this sagas greatest heroes no one except for Bray Oh God why in what will surely be remembered as the stupidest most tacked on [ __ ] ending in the history of blockbuster cinema a random old lady just happens to be passing by this farm that's been completely abandoned for half a century as we established earlier in the movie people in the Star Wars universe suddenly care about family names for no reason whatsoever she would be honored to know your family name - I don't have one even though this is a franchise we're literally dozens of characters have singular names and nobody ever questions it Chewbacca Greedo Bosque dengar Lobot I mean when Lobot introduces himself to people did they go okay but Lobot what you can't just be Lobot what's your family name Lobot so a weird old lady asks rey for her last name and rey I can't believe the surreal racist Grace Tallulah but you what this is JJ Abrams trying to randomly tack a theme on to this trilogy at the zero hour now in a more competently structured trilogy again one which was meticulously planned out well in advance of this Hail Mary perhaps the idea of a lone Jedi warrior carrying on the skywalker name could have actually worked but as we've seen right hung out with luke skywalker for a grand total of three days before he declared her a failure and they had a little fight in the rain that's the last time they interacted and again they only trained for three days imagine you get a job at Subway and after three days of employee training you ask the manager if you can be his son that would be pretty [ __ ] weird and it's just as [ __ ] weird here and wouldn't it make more sense for her to take Leia's last name why is it she ray Organa seriously who did she have a closer relationship with the nice old lady who gave her hugs or the scary homeless man who yelled at her but whatever this is the end of the so-called skywalker saga what started with an idealistic young man standing bravely against the forces of evil ends with the granddaughter of the most evil man in the universe stealing his name before [ __ ] off into the sunset call me crazy but i liked the ending with the teddy bear people much better number 15 the death of star wars well there's one good thing i can say about this trilogy it's that at least it's finally over we no longer have to worry about whether disney will destroy the legacy of this beloved franchise because the destruction has already occurred all our heroes are dead the lights in their eyes have gone out forever and it's sitting here beside the corpse of this thing we once called star wars that a certain clarity strikes you a recognition that perhaps expecting a hundred and thirty billion dollar corporation to care about preserving the soul of this once great saga was a foolish thing to begin with when we the fans look at star wars we see an incredible story crafted by a passionate young filmmaker an epic tale that inspired millions to find the hero within themselves when disney looks at star wars they see just another brand something to turn into toys and theme park rides that's not to say consumerism was never at the heart of this franchise held the toys are part of what made it great but for some reason it all feels soulless now when I see a red stormtrooper I don't think wow what an interesting addition to the franchise I think well I guess that lets them repaint the thousands of unsold first-order figures from the last movie this saga has ended in such abject failure that Disney doesn't even want to try and figure out what comes next their next Star Wars venture will be set 200 years before the Phantom Menace allowing them to disappoint young fans with entirely new characters rather than just kicking the corpses of the old ones unlike the original trilogy which inspired decades of new adventures starring Luke Han Leia and the rest of that beloved cast of characters the sequel trilogy has inspired nothing kids simply don't care about the continued adventures of Rey Skywalker and I really don't blame them yes there will surely be a small subset of kids who lovingly cling to these lackluster characters but this saga was supposed to create an entirely new generation of Star Wars fans to bring those children the same joy and excitement that the original trilogy brought to us as children but it didn't ticket sales are down the toys filled bargain bins and kids would much rather dress up like a fortnight for Halloween than the weird emo crybaby who can't figure out if he likes his mask or not but hey maybe it's a good thing our children aren't slaves to yet another corporate franchise now that we're all trapped inside our homes waiting for the Black Death to take us maybe it's time to dust off the old laserdisc collection and show our kids what a real movie looks like a story about good struggling to overcome evil about fighting against the odds even when it seems like all is lost a story about love and family a story about hope I'm referring of course to the movie Southland Tales where Dwayne the rock Johnson must traveled through time to solve his own murder while Sean William Scott uses a magic ice-cream truck to open a portal to the fifth dimension all of this of course narrated by a telepathic Justin Timberlake who spends the entire movie wasted on space heroine on an unrelated note look forward to my next video why Southland Tales is the greatest movie of all time anyway about time we wrap this thing up as always thanks for watching don't forget to Like and subscribe and as corny as it might sound may the force be with you [Music] hello my name is Vito I made that video you just watched I hope you liked it I really do I hope you had fun I know it's a long one but I tried to pack it full of as many fun little jokes and animations as I could I want you guys have a good time when you listen to this dumb fat man rant about Star Wars life sure has been weird lately with the Black Plague about to kill all of us that's that's been weird I've been having a heck of a time my father passed in January that's one of the reasons this video kind of took awhile to get done I've been dealing with some of that depression know if you've heard about that seeing that you heard about that god this is so dark I lost my health insurance that's fun just the whole wonderful nightmare and then of course now we're trapped inside our houses waiting to die which just makes it all better but you know what keeps me going I gotta be real it is the support of all you people on YouTube who like my videos who subscribe to my channel honestly it's the only thing I have going for me at this point fighting them YouTube oh boy let's just say that the shotgun store would have one more customer that's a joke we're gonna be fine but I really do appreciate everyone's support especially you guys over on patreon you guys are helping make the dream come true if you would like to become a patreon let me tell you real quick you're gonna get some cool stuff man you'll get access to all the uncensored versions of my videos so if as you're watching this you're like wow I wish the swears weren't all bleeped out or why is this part blurred out for the YouTube censors well if you're a patron you get access you can get the full uncensored cut and all its glory you get to see the real video let's put it that way you also get access to other content like movie commentary tracks you can put on rise the Skywalker and listen to me and my buddies make fun of it for two hours that's always a good time right now advertisers are kind of pulling out of YouTube because what are they gonna advertise no one's going to the stores so really you guys over on patreon your what lets me make these videos to be honest I mean you're keeping the dream alive you're the ones who are making it happen thank you so much I love entertaining you guys and the I hope I can keep doing it more cool videos coming soon if you're not subscribed right down below just click subscribe it helps me out you more than you know peace and love in 2020 keep yourself safe and boy I hope this plague just doesn't kill us all Oh Lord what a nightmare [Music] [Music]

Channel: Vito

Views: 1,799,190

Rating: 4.7832246 out of 5

Keywords: star wars, everything wrong with, ruined star wars, worst star wars movie, star wars gotcha, how it should have ended, rise of skywalker analysis, rise of skywalker sucks, rise of skywalker review, why rise of skywalker, the rise of skywalker, everything wrong with rise of skywalker, rise of skywalker failure, star wars fans, last jedi, last jedi failure, star wars theory, kathleen kennedy, mauler star wars, plinkett star wars, rise of skywalker, rise skywalker

Id: 6a3dggHrtiQ

Length: 61min 16sec (3676 seconds)

Published: Wed May 20 2020

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[u/cipher-zer0]

These chainsaw reviews are better than the actual movies.