-Captain, let me tell you
a little story. You remember when I fell
through your ceiling? -Yes, that was six hours ago. -It was, I admit,
a disastrous failure. But it gave me the idea
for Herman, the friendly janitor you met. With Herman, I commenced
the perfect crime. -I caught you as Herman. -But you didn't catch Rosa. -Come out of there.
-[ Sighs ] As it turns out, our friend Rosa
is great at picking locks. -Does not surprise me.
-No, me neither. Of course, I had to find a way
to get her out of your office
without you seeing her. So, I created a diversion.
Not mistimed. Perfectly timed so she could
escape unseen. -What about the pigeons?
-Oh, the gray pigeons? They were a red herring.
Thank you. Their only purpose was to draw
you into the copy room while two members of my team
broke into your locked office. So, now, I had a way into
your office and an open cabinet. All that was left was for the
royal babies to steal your keys. -Yes, but you didn't
need the keys. The cabinet
was already unlocked. You needed a way into the safe. -And I got it. You were so concerned
with getting your keys back, you didn't even notice
the sergeant steal your phone. That's right, even
the sergeant's on my side. I then had Charles dust
your screen cover for prints. The greasiest smudges revealed
the four numbers you use the most -- the four numbers
in your passcode. Based on your advanced age, I assumed that you use the same
passcode for everything -- your phone, your e-mail,
and, of course, your safe. -That would be
a fair assumption. -It was at that point
that I bumped into a girl dressed as a sexy robot,
and we got our flirt on... hard. 'Sup?
-'Sup? -Jake Peralta. -And how was flirting
part of the plan? -Oh, it wasn't.
It just ruled. And that brings us
to five minutes ago, when Amy came to your office and told you
that I had been arrested. I knew she's the only one
you would believe because, frankly,
she's usually too lame to take part
in these kinds of things. And as you walked
over here, Charles awkwardly stuffed
himself through your window and opened your safe. We had the four numbers
of your code, which meant there were
24 possible combinations for Charles to try. That could take up
to four minutes, which is why I really
dragged out this explanation. I mean, really stretched it.
I don't know if you noticed, but there were times
where I was like, "What am I even talking about? This isn't --" Oh.
[ Watch beeping ] But now, four minutes is up. Which means Boyle is either
on the other side of that door holding your medal, or I've lost. -Well, Captain, it seems
that Jake isn't the only person
you underestima-- -20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain.
Check me. -I think you mean "checkmate." You really need to learn
how to play chess. How did you get everyone
to help you? -I appealed to their sense
of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would
put Shakespeare to shame. [ Scottish accent ]
For too long, we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him! -And that worked?
-[ Normal voice ] No. No, no.
Not at all. My speech
did not inspire them. Come on. So, I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled
this off, I would do
all of their paperwork. And since you're doing
all my paperwork... -I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done. -Thank you, sir. -In fact, the thing that you
failed to see, Captain, teamwork,
is exactly... -Captain?
-...what provided our success. -Sir? He's not coming back. -Talk now! -You seem upset. Well, here's how the story goes. Remember that little Halloween
bet that we made? You probably don't
even remember, it was so early this morning. Anywhoozle, it turns out
the criminal I hired to lift your watch
was not trustworthy, and I ended up contracting
tuberculosis of the foot and subsequently
losing your death watch. But in the end, I like to think
this whole thing is gonna bring us
closer together. And isn't that what
it's really all about? Merry Christmas! -What are you saying? My watch is right here. -No, I made a switch. That's a fake.
-No. This one's a fake. -What?
No. What? No.
What? No. You were behind all this? You played me. -Like Frans Bruggen
plays the flute. -But how? I've been planning this
this theft for three months. -I know, but I've been
planning it for a year. Last Halloween,
after you won the bet, I went back to my office
to do everyone's paperwork, but I did no paperwork. I started to plot my revenge. I began by creating
a word cloud. -But how could you possibly
have known I was gonna try
and steal your watch? -I knew you would try to take
something important to me. During the year, I drew
your attention to my watch. You're eight minutes late. You're 14 minutes late. You're three minutes early... in Chicago. -You annoyed me
into stealing it. -Exactly. Now you had a target,
but you needed a plan. Fortunately, it walked through
the door, handcuffed to Diaz. -This scumbag pickpocket
is Dan McCreary. He can take anything
off of anyone. -Anything?
Anyone? -The look on your face --
priceless. I put McCreary into my employ
immediately. Fast-forward to this morning. You commenced your plan. McCreary stole my watch, and then replaced it
with the replica. And while you celebrated, McCreary put my watch back
in my pocket. The watch never left my person. Dun-dun-duh! -I can see that
you're enjoying this. -Not nearly as much
as I enjoyed phase two. -Phase two. -While you met with McCreary,
Santiago placed a fire hydrant in front of your car,
which she then towed away. Next, I had to take Charles
out of the equation. He had a badge and a gun, and he
would do anything to help you. Enter a parade of drunks
that separated the two of you long enough for Terry
to kidnap Charles. Then two bears spilled their
drinks on you and stole your wallet.
Those bears? Scully and Hitchcock. -I can't pull my head off! -If Terry kidnapped Charles, how did Charles tell me
to get on the party bus? -Eight months ago
at a morning briefing, I told the squad
that a group of thieves was targeting party busses, so I could record
Charles saying... -Jake, party bus! Toot toot!
Get on board! -I knew Boyle would never
knowingly betray me. -With your jacket
and shoes gone, you didn't look like a cop,
but you still had your badge. That is, until you entered
the party bus. -Rosa's feline dancing
distracted you as a mysterious partier
stole your badge on... Halloween! -It was you in the mask! You sly son of a bitch! Well done. But I do have to ask --
those guys at the impound, did they really smash my car? -No, in fact,
I had them wash it. -[ Chuckles ]
Good one, Captain. You can't "wash a car." So how'd you convince
the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them? -I asked them if they wanted
to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes. -I'm not gonna lie, that
turns me on a little bit. -Hmm. So, in addition to the five
weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed
one more thing. -Yes.
Here we go. -One second. [ Cheering ] -Very well. Captain Raymond Holt...
-Mm-hmm. -...you are an amazing
police captain/genius. [ Cheering ] But be warned, I started planning next
year's heist just this minute. -Good, then you're only
three months behind. -You sick son of a bitch. -I don't understand
what is happening. -Allow me to explain. Amy and I were ahead of you
the whole time. -What?
No, you weren't part of this. Get back over
to the loser side, loser. -All right.
Worth a shot. -So how'd you pull it off? -Well, it all started
when I went to tell Jake how badly he hurt my feelings,
and he yelled at my breasts. -Oh, boy, I am not going to
come off well in this story. -Nope. Remember when you set off
the witch? [ Witch cackling ]
You made Captain Holt flinch, which was weird, since his door
was closed, but not weird, since he actually heard it over
a bug he planted at your desk. It was in an old muffin that
you never threw in the trash. -That's why people
throw away garbage. -How are we together?
-Eh. -Anyway, I tapped into
the bug's frequencies, so I had ears on Jake. I needed to know
what Holt was up to. That's where Hitchcock came in. -I masterminded
the entire plan. -You did one small thing, and I had to explain it to you,
like, 45 times. He left a tiny crack
in the blind, so I could read
the Captain's lips. "Sharon and your kids
will distract Jake. "They'll be here at 9:30 sharp. My waffle xylophone
on the cheese man." -What?
-My lip-reading is not flawless. Now that I knew your plan,
it was simple to disrupt. While Scully gracefully moved
the witch, I got into character. Holt triggered the witch, which
brought Jake into the room. -And I threw the crown
in the trash can. -Exactly as I planned. Then I sent you all here,
placed an out-of-order sign on the perfectly
functional elevator, made you all walk up 31 flights
of stairs and vomit twice. -Actually, it was four times, if you count
all the stairwell stuff. -You thought I was
just Holt's lackey. And you thought I was
just Jake's girlfriend. Well, I'm my own person, capable
of making my own decisions, and I decided
to humiliate you both. -Well, you did,
and it was awesome. One last question --
where's the crown? -Oh, it's at Shaw's Bar, the official site
of my coronation. -All hail the crown of destiny. [ Cheering ] And all hail she who wears it,
Amy Santiago, the... -Queen.
-...queen of the Nine-Nine. [ Cheering ] -I believe there's something
else you both need to say. -Gladly. -Amy Santiago is
an amazing detective/genius. -Drinks are on us. -Nope.
-Drinks are on me. -Yeah! The Oscar for best liar
goes to you! That's not an Oscars category. What's going on? -Not to be harsh, Sarge, but you're setting a terrible
example for your daughters, and they're gonna grow up
to be total failures. -You take that back. -No, she's right, Jeffords.
Your children are doomed. Where's the plaque? -Well, for the last time,
I don't know. I've been working here
the whole time. Ask them. -Well, actually, uh,
we both fell asleep. -And Jeffords never woke us up. Coincidence? -I don't need this. -You're not going anywhere. -Damn, Rosa! -[ Shrieks ]
He's trying to get away! Everyone start panicking! -He had someone lock the door. -'Sup, losers? I have the real plaque! Unh, unh! -Gina!
Of course! It all makes sense,
except for the parts I don't understand and the fact
that I still kind of think Terry did this. -Nope, it was all me. Three weeks ago,
Captain Holt asked me to order a plaque that read,
"The Ultimate Detective/Genius." I did it, and I ordered
three copies and a statue of Tyrese
riding a dolphin. -Is that relevant?
-To my life, yes. Once I had the plaques,
I manipulated Captain Holt into choosing Boyle
as his partner. All it took was six bottles
of dish soap. See, this is what happens
when Jake tries to wash dishes by himself. It's like he's helpless
without Boyle. -Yes. He is helpless without Boyle. -And you fell for my trap
like a greedy little rat. -Easy.
-Yes, it was easy. And the next phase of my plan --
a "skating accident." -But you knocked out
your two front teeth. -False teeth. Fake blood. I lost my real teeth at
Jenn Sutton's birthday party in fourth grade. -Oh, you made sure
I didn't remember that! It was minute five
of seven minutes in heaven with Todd Cohen
when he bumped the wall and a bowling ball
fell on my face. -Maybe I just wasn't
at that party. -Once I had faked
the skating mishap, I swapped out a dummy plaque
for the real one. Then I left to go
to the dentist. -And you convinced your dentist
to help you carry out the rest of the heist. -No.
-Of course not. Go ahead. -I came back, wearing the
perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab
and uninspiring. -This feels like
it's gonna be a dig on me. -I wore Amy's clothes.
-There it is. -This is your doing,
you and your male prostitute. -Bill is not a male prostitute,
I don't think. -That suit is not drab. It has a fun salmon lining. -No, Amy, it made me invisible. And now that I had that power, every time
one of you stole a plaque, I replaced it with a fake. And no one had any idea
until the lights went out, revealing a secret message --
"Heists are dumb." -Then we raced in here to blame
Terry, and you trapped us. But how did you know he was
gonna say "heists are dumb"? -Terry says that about
everything. -Everyone should
wear suspenders. Belts are dumb. People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb. 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb. -And now, here you all are,
locked up behind the glass like a bunch of loser fish. I bet you're wondering
why I did it. -Because you wanted to win?
-No! I had a loftier goal in mind. Can you do me a favor and tell
me what that says right there? -"The Ultimate
Detective/Genius". -Detective. Can you imagine what
that word sounds like to someone
who's not a detective? Discriminatory. It's worse than segregation. -Unh-uh.
-Too far? Sorry. But I think I've proved a point, and that's why we're changing
the name of the plaque forever! -To what? -Gina Linetti is
the ultimate human/genius. -Thank you. And now I'd like to say
a few words. -You talked for, like, an hour
when you had us locked in that
interrogation room. -I'm a fair ruler. Your comment has been heard. But seriously, you guys,
I just want to say, I freaking love you losers. Happy Halloween.
-Happy Halloween! ♪♪ -Hello, Jacob.
-Dah! What --
Ames. What are you doing here? Why aren't you out
looking for the belt? -You and I both know the belt
never left the precinct. -I don't know that.
Nobody knows that. -I kept thinking,
"How did anyone swap my key?" And then it hit me --
they didn't. They swapped the safe. One of the handmaids,
I'm assuming fake Charles, took my safe, and then
Ofamy deposited a lookalike. What did you give fake
Charles so he'd help you? -Nothing. In fact, he gave me something,
the power of financial freedom. I invested in a pyramid scheme. It's no time to go
into it right now. -Okay. So, while we all tried to figure
out who had the real key, fake Charles broke
into the safe, removed the tracker, and led
Terry and the whole squad on a wild goose chase. My only question is --
which box is the belt in? -[ Chuckles ]
Well, good luck figuring it out, because the clock
is tick-tick-tocking. -It's that one.
-No! The dust pattern on top
doesn't match its neighbors. You see, Jake, I'm always gonna
be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability
to surprise me. Ya just plain boring. -Again, weird take on a very
loving relationship. -And it's midnight, so I guess
I'm an amazing human/genius. -Yeah. Although... you might wanna read the
inscription on that there belt. -Why? Oh, no, what does it say? "Amy Santiago,
will you marry me?" -Surprise. -I'm so confused... I don't know what's happening
right now. -"I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening
right now." Title of your sex tape.
-"Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry."
Title of your sex tape. Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the heist? If this is part of the heist,
I will dump you so hard. -No, please, Ames, look,
it's really happening, okay? It's not part of the heist.
I promise, this is real. -It is?
-Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face,
and I love your butt. I should've written
this down first. -No, no, it's okay.
Go on. -I love how much you pretend
to like "Die Hard." -I like the second one.
-You don't have to. -Okay.
-Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person
I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals,
I love your butt. -I love yours too.
-Gross. -[ Chuckles ] -Amy Santiago... will you marry me? Jake Peralta, I will marry you. [ Both chuckle ] -[ Sighs ]
-[ Giggles ] -I love you so much.
[ Door opens ] -Hey, jerkos,
this little tramp escaped, so that ought to teach... D-Did you just...
-Mm-hmm. -And did you say...
-Mm-hmm. -[ Gasping ] [ Thuds ] -To Jake and Amy.
-To Jake and Amy! -Great stuff, great stuff. So, since Peralta altered
the cummerbund, no one really won
the heist this year. Is that what
everyone's thinking? -Captain...
-Right, right, sorry. Not the time.
I'm so happy for you both. Technically,
there was no winner. -Wait.
Where is everyone? Where are all the desks?
What is happening? -What's happening is... you all suck! -♪ You all are losers,
you all are losers ♪ ♪ And Terry Jeffords
is the best ♪ ♪ You are all losers,
you are all losers ♪ ♪ And Terry Jeffords
is the best ♪ -Son of a bitch stole my song. -Wait, Terry has the bracelet? -That's right.
Me and my teammate Terry won. We fooled you all. -You didn't do [bleep]! -Okay, well, neither did
Jordan's teammates, but they still got rings. All right, fine.
Just tell us how you did it. -Well, first,
for my plan to work, it had to happen on a day
when I could control everything. I couldn't let it be Halloween. -You faked the gas explosion! -Yeah, stupid actors
almost blew it. What was with that moaning,
Trent? I thought you studied
at the Lee Strasberg Institute! -It doesn't mean anything.
They just take your money! -Oh, that is a huge relief. I felt so bad about poking
that guy's wound to make sure it was real. -You should still feel bad
about that. -No, it was all fake.
I'm totally absolved. Continue with your story, Sarge. -I knew you'd suggest a heist
as a distraction from my Lieutenant exam, then all I had to do
was sit back and watch as everyone
took things way too far. -But how'd you know
we'd get so out of hand? -I spent the last six months
sowing the seeds of conflict. -Man, I am so sick of Jake
saying he is the only
two-time Halloween heist winner. -I'm the only two-time
Halloween heist winner. -I can't believe everyone says
you're not helpful during the Halloween heist. Just because they all think
your fingers are too big. -We'll show them. -Thanks for inviting me
over for dinner. Boy, that's hung in a real
prominent place, isn't it? -Not for long. I was manipulated? -Sorry, Kevin.
-Don't apologize to him, Terry. It's his first heist. He needs to learn.
Keep going. -Well, after I got everyone
acting like maniacs, all I had to do
was make you feel bad by "knocking myself out." -The banner. But how did you learn
my voice command? -I didn't have to.
I sold you the damn thing! -No. I want it to unfurl when I say,
"You all suck." -[ Through voice
distortion app ] Absolutely. Pleasure doing business
with you. -The pleasure was all mine. [ Sighs ]
That's gonna work. I spent $1,800 on that thing! -You did?
-Amy, stop interrupting. Terry's doing his big speech. -Anyway, once my fake concussion
was on display, I created the perfect
distraction for my partner to do his job. -Cheddar, you duplicitous bitch. -I've been training Cheddar
for months. -Wow, what a fun
improvised song! -When I swapped the Hootsworths,
I put a magnetic collar on him! From there, Cheddar followed us
all the way to One Police Plaza, where he hand-delivered
the bracelet to me right outside this room. -But, wait, what about
the Lieutenant's exam? Aren't you supposed to be
taking it right now? -Hell no, I took
that thing weeks ago. And I passed!
I'm already a lieutenant! -You are?
-That's incredible! -Lieutenant Jeffords!
-This is amazing. -I'm so proud of you, Terry. -All right.
You've overstepped now, Bill. -Yeah, it's weird
you're here, Bill. -[ Cackles ] -This is still going on?
-Was it Terry? -Nope.
Wasn't me. -Wait, if you're Terry,
then that must be... -What's up, losers? [ Applause ] -Yes.
-Whoo! -Wow.
-Whoo. -Rosa, that was amazing.
-It was not amazing. She didn't stay handcuffed
to her partner. She's disqualified. We'll reset and start over
on the next holiday. Earth day.
An Earth day heist. -It's perfect.
-Wrong. Rules said I couldn't
undo the cuffs, and I didn't. -Oh, not fair. I didn't know I could cut off
Peralta's hand. I'll file that away
for next year. -Actually, I think we're one
and done on the whole handcuff concept. -This is incredible.
How'd you do it, Rosa? -Well, back on Halloween, I knew
Jake would make the first move, and I had to be ready. -You were hiding in the fog. It wasn't Holt that put
that chair in my pathway. -No, I did. I wanted to be the one who was
responsible for our victory. -What?
-We already lost. There's no point in trying
to maintain team morale now. -Dick. -Anyway, I knew Cheddar
would be making an appearance. -Oh, everyone loves to see
Cheddar. -He's here a lot.
I never bring in Arlo. -Who?
-Exactly. I spent every morning
for the last year giving Cheddar a taste for ham. -Oh, so that's why he got
so thick and ended up on "Chonky Pups." -I submitted his photo. And once you put Cheddar
on a diet, all I had to do was mark the gems with a little
of that sweet ham taste. -Why did you want Cheddar
to swallow the gems? -Because I needed
to delay things. The second part of my plan
took place on Valentine's Day, which went perfectly. -Ah, I wouldn't say perfectly. Scully swallowed the gems. -'Cause I tricked him into it.
Wasn't hard. Pretty much used the same
Cheddar ham playbook. -Table ham. Seven days in a row. So now I have to think twice
before I eat food I find lying around.
Thanks a lot. -I marked the gems
with ham again, and everything pushed to Easter
when I could finally get rid of Scully as my partner. -Doctor, I'm willing
to pay you to tell Norm Scully not to participate. -Participate?
No, no, no. Norm Scully should not be
participating in any activities. He could die.
I'll go call him right now. -Now I finally had a teammate
whose hand I could cut off. Just needed a little help
from Terry. -Boy, that thing's
pretty heavy, huh? Did you bring the tools? -But you were retired. You were loving your smoothies. -Yeah, but after a while,
I felt left out. And if I'm being honest, the smoothies weren't
even that good. -I wonder why that was. Maybe it's because
I hammed your smoothie. -Am I the only one who didn't
get fed ham this year? -Wait, how did you know
about Jake's bunny plan? -You weren't the only one
listening in on his therapy. -Of course the bunnies
should have glasses. I just can't believe I didn't
come up with it myself. Oh, you know what? Betty Rubble also gives me
a bo-- You guys were listening in
on my therapy? That feels like
a real violation. -Jake, Jake,
this is Rosa's moment. -Yeah, man, go tell it
to your fake therapist. -She's fake?! -Anyway,
then I grabbed the gems, jumped off the roof,
and wrote my name in flames. -Wait, why did you
keep delaying the heist? Couldn't you have just won
at Halloween? -Oh, I did. These are the real
Halloween gems. I switched them out
before Cheddar found them. I also won on Valentine's Day. What is happening? I switched those gems out
before I gave them to Scully. And then I won today. So, while you nerds are always
arguing about who the only
two-time champion is... -Me. -...I just became the first
three-time champion. I guess there's just one thing
left to do. -To Rosa Diaz,
an amazing human/genius. -To Rosa Diaz. [ Tires screech, horn honks ] -Are we too late?
Did you get the tube? -No, it's somewhere
in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions. -Wait a second.
-I know this place. -Yes, this is where we worked our first case
with Captain Holt. -That's right,
it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye. -You have gotta be kidding me. -You see, the whole heist was a ruse for the
perfect goodbye I planned. -I mean,
it wasn't that perfect. A real perfect
goodbye would've had -- -Sentimental gifts
for everyone? -Damn it!
Just tell us how you did it. -Everything hinged on Jeffords. I needed him to drop
out of the heist so he'd have access
to everyone's secrets, which is why I set up
a fake interview for him. -You were working
with Williams? But he locked us in his office. -Which was critical to me
gaining your trust so you'd tell me
where the tube was hidden. -Terry's reeling.
-Armed with that information, I texted Kevin,
who retrieved the tube and handed it off to a person
who lured you all here, and that person was a dog,
and that dog was Cheddar. -Hold up.
That big speech about how I'd make a great captain,
that was all a lie? -No, no, I meant
every word of it. In fact, it's exactly
what I said to the real Williams
two weeks ago. It's part of the reason
he decided to make you... the new captain
of the Nine-Nine. -Wait, what?
Is this fake too? Y'all need to cut the [bleep]
and be honest with me. This is my life
we're talking about. -You want to know if it's real? Open your gift and find out. -A bag of fish?
-What? No. It's supposed to be
your captain's bars. -The fish are my present
to Scully. They're the kind that eat
the dead skin off your feet. -Ooh, they're gonna have
a feast tonight. -But wait, if that's not
Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones? -They're AirPods.
They're my gift for everyone. -What? But you told me
not to get people AirPods! You said everyone
already has headphones! -Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them
and I would get all the glory. -Wow.
-Great gift, Amy. -Come on! -But if I don't have
the winning tube, who does? -I do. -Yet another surprise
reveal again. -So, my plan was simple. The best way to win
is to sit back, watch everyone else,
and then choose your moment. But to do that, I needed
people to think I was gone. -It's a trick
she learned from me. [ Lisping ]
During the fourth heist, universally considered
the best heist. -You were so eager to think I'd drop everything
and chase after Adrian. -So you don't want to end up
with Pimento? -No, but you believed it because you all think for someone
to be happy, their story has to end
with marriage and kids. -I mean, I believed it because
you told me and I trust you. -Whatever, breeder.
Anyway, with nobody watching me, I was able to figure out
what Holt was up to, and then I had my other partner
intercept Cheddar. -Who was that?
-It's me, Bill. -[ Gasps ] Thurprithe reveal. -So, let's crown me. The Grand Champion
of the Nine-Nine. A six-month subscription
to the Rosetta Stone? -That's my present for Peralta. -Your present to me is school? I'm glad you're leaving. -All right,
who has the real tube? -I do. -What are you doing, Bill?
-I'm sorry, but this is your fault
for ending the heists. They're my only source
of income. You're still my best friends.
Goodbye! -Bill!
-He's gone. We're trapped! -Ah! -Oh, yeah! -Oh, yes!
Now go through that wall! -I'm not doing any more walls,
Jake. We're free. -Fair enough. I had to ask. All right,
I got Bill on the GPS. Huh, that's weird. -What?
Where'd he go? -Are you sure he came back
to the precinct? The tracker must be broken.
There's no one here. -Wrong, Captain!
I'm here. Michael Hitchcock, the
Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. -Hitchcock?
-Well, this doesn't feel right. -I bet you're all wondering
how I pulled it off. -Not really, but I guess
that's the tradition. -The key to the whole plan
was that I never really retired
or moved to Brazil. I've been living in
the Beaver Trap this whole time. -Okay, but what was
the rest of the plan? -Oh, we had not
come up with it. -But then Bill came by
and offered to sell me the tube for 40 bucks and I won. -Pretty good stuff.
-Now, crown me. -Ugh, this stinks. Okay, Michael Hitchcock, you are
an amazing human/genius and the Grand Champion
of the Nine-Nine. Why is your head so sweaty? -Oh, because that's actually
butt skin from a botched hair transplant,
so there are more pores. -I can't believe
this is how it ends, with Hitchcock's sweaty
butt head. -I told myself I wouldn't cry. -Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't
get your perfect goodbye. -Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn
into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just
wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes
are inherently sad. They mean
that something's ending. And this one is especially sad
because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things
that we love. And we'll always have the
memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won
the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow
my own tongue and die. -It's a disgrace. -Anyways, I say we hang out,
have a drink, and enjoy all of us
being together one last time. To the squad. -To the squad. -You just drank cement! -Why?
