Ranking Brooklyn 99's Captains From Worst To Best | Brooklyn Nine-Nine

there's a rumor the new captain will be here today now I don't know who want you sending us but it doesn't matter because we're a family we're strong and together we can do anything 9 9 what Su ding-dongs I'm your new captain the vulture it's still hot now I know we have our history me vulturing your cases me telling you to eat my farts that's all in the past cuz now that I run this Precinct things are going to get much much worse so suck it no all right ladies I don't got a whole lot of time here so what do you say we make like foil's Mom and you debrief me didn't happen nice you know she tells me everything yeah not everything Chucky she took off my hundies a pralon what is that this yeah oh nothing just open and check case it looks like a pretty fat file for a dunker what is it just some old lady has a missing torso that we can't find putot in the Major Crimes pile what we've already given them all of our felonies that's cuz I got a bet going with the captain of the A4 see whose Squad can solve the most cases winner gets to choose a tattoo for the loser guess what I'm getting him Calvin peeing on the Tasmanian devil no it's supposed to be a bad tattoo man you're really stupid in the morning aren't you so listen I've been thinking we got off on the wrong foot here and I believe it's cuz we're just too damn similar you do absolutely we both love premium tequila Robin Thick oh yeah gots to have my poops got to and of course most importantly nips lips let me ask you a question Jake you also like okan martial arts because you left this in my back what I'm saying Einstein is that you stabed me in my back how so we came up with a plan Jake is going to befriend the vulture so he lays off of us busted I knew that you were faking it I'll bet you don't even like nip slips H strange to be on the side of the desk why all right you used to work here you know I made a lot of improvements since you left I got a fridge for my protein shakes I got a kettle bell station I got a wolf that I killed in Utah I'm fairly certain that's a dog yeah it was dark he hey Captain I was looking for you inside one thing I won't do is fart in church this God's house ah there you are I got something real special for the two of you great what you got I'm one from today is my birthday I need you to throw me a party all right make it epic surprise me are you you asking us to plan you a birthday party yeah hel and killer pay attention did you choose us because we're women women love planning parties that's in the Bible all right tough guy what do you got planned I don't know meet at a bar and drink there that's it but still better than Santiago look this is real important to me all right my brother's hot wife is going to be there and I haven't seen her since his funeral wow yeah right I mean I mean you only get one shot of your brother's widow hey tur monkeys it's time to celebrate me let [Applause] Rock his tear away pants just got [Music] stuck hello I'm your new commanding officer Captain Seth dozerman my motto is simple efficiency efficiency efficiency could probably just say it once are you making fun of my stutter oh uh tripped you I don't have a stutter boom I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor well done sir welcome to the 99 I'm Sant Terry Jeffers and I'm not interested I have no use for people I find people weird and confusing I Live My Life by Numbers you see this watch it tells me how many calories I burn at any time question how many calories you think I burned walking from there to there you female closest to me oh uh three three try 0.8 numbnuts I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep that's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard no no no strike that four times as hard no no no stri that I need you morons to work eight times harder than you've ever worked in your entire life I'm having a heart attack yeah I'm having a heart attack get back to work get a doctor hell are these what the hell are these These are Dozer pads each one is equipped with a GPS system and a countdown clock to remind you to complete a task every 55 minutes it also has B gamon on it which I could not delete but you are not allowed to play What happens when the clock Runs Out failure failure you are behind schedule oh that's fun yeah your 55 minutes starts right now you two have been in this evidence Locker for NY what nothing nothing you were just making out with Peralta there's that candy bar wrapper I was looking for oh Santiago what are you doing here so I guess it is H before chose with you friend now I understand why nothing gets done in this Precinct the detectives are too busy Frenching with each other well you know what your little honeymoon is over cuz as long as I'm here you two are done and I'm going to be here a long long long long long long long long oh this is a heart attack this right here this is a heart attack ooh it's a big one ooh ooh ooh I get help sir it's all right we're getting help tell my wife that I love her we're geic okay everyone we've been assigned a new Commander please give him a warm welcome Hey guys uh I'm captain Stanley ah yuck that sounds so formal um Captain Jason no call me CJ okay so that's all I got unless you guys have any question questions yeah you wearing sweatpants no oh yes yes I am I um had some hot cocoa this morning and I totally biffed it I like this guy uh if I may ask how did you become Captain you just seem a little unqualified no no no no no it's because I am actually here's how it happened I had an appointment at my dermatologist at 402 7th Avenue but I went to 204 7th Avenue by mistake it's like numbers are so crazy am I right amen not really anyway there was this big drug bus going down I showed up spooked the Kingpin he darts for the front door trips shoots himself in the stomach accidentally and then after that everybody pretty much surrendered very quickly and they made me a captain about a week later and didn't you have to pass the exams like wasn't there like a interview where they they met you and heard you speak presumably look I'm going to be honest between you and me I don't fully know what I'm doing but it seems like you guys do so I'm just going to stay out of the way and give you guys whatever you need s hi Gina lanetti here what I need is an assistant of my own just to do my paperwork and all my other work work is the worst I get it oh hire whoever you want I just want you guys to be happy and I will help you with that great hey we should do a hang Stitch like this every morning this is amazing where do you where's my office listen you selfish jerks that guy in there the one playing the Bongos right now he thinks we're killing it so he's just staying out of our way well the only reason we're killing it is because Captain Holt never let us be satisfied with ourselves all right bad news I talked to Captain sttinley again he still won't give us permission to go to Florida I even brought out the big gun left right left right both both both that's so cool I still can't let you go to Florida though Terry feels like a hey CJ you upset about something man maybe something in your career yeah I told the brass that I lost a bag and I screwed up the whole flacko case and you were wrong it was a biggie yeah well you told me to sugar coat it and whose fault is that Jake yours I know hey you srino who wants to know I'm Cal this is Billy we used to buy from Rosario but he got busted by the feds and we're looking for a new hookup guys we got company there a lady with a dog and a man with a ponytail another lady with a dog two dogs back to back guys is that fishy I knew Rosario seems fishy to me there's a lot of dog how come I never heard you a lot of dogs can ask Rosario's guys about if you think it's weird just cough once for yes twice for no I didn't come here to be accused of something we can buy from somebody else Jake I need an answer why is nobody coughing oh oh oh ho hold up I got a right to know who I might be in business with I need an answer on the dog thing is is it weird can somebody cough whose cough was that was that you Jake if it was you cough twice if it was somebody else cough three times sorry bad allergy day pollen count is off the charts po count oh man how do you come up with that stuff so what's your territory you guys are in there we don't sell on the street we have loyal buyers that come to us the and we need quality product as a Discerning check DJ CJ on the mic I got a guy that can get you the best dop in cently there's such a thing is too much Smashmouth I'm sorry we want to deal with complete strangers got two kid beautiful house how do we know C what have you done with your life shut up shut up God shut up CJ W wo wo what are you cops yes obviously we're cops put your hands up whoa who said we were cops we haven't gotten the information we needed yet Jake you're blowing it man stop talking oh sorry CJ that's Flo you got him yeah he's out cold how'd you do it no no wait let me guess you opened your car door into him he never saw it coming and neither did you it was a total accident you were getting at your car to go pee no there was a spider in the car and I panicked damn it how did I not guess that you got to see the spider it's gigantic uh we're here today to honor Captain Jason stentley who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring and so it is my pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor Captain Stanley Oho me baby ah wow that's a lot of people uh Baba buy corn Holio that's it for my prepared remarks any questions will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the overall level of drugs moving into the city no idea next what's your philosophy for dealing with International narcotic supply chain didn't understand the question next why was Flo targeted for this operation okay there's a question I can answer uh uh well it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine so I totally bipped it thank you thank you Captain oh that that is that's PL you heard anything about the new captain uh no and I don't care I just wish Captain McGinley never left he was the best he was terrible just liked him cuz he let you do anything you wanted on your marks get set what the hell's going on around here fire extinguish a roller chair Derby okay and go what's your point there is a new sheriff in town Jake well I like the old Sheriff I mean McGinley wouldn't care about a messy desk or all these stupid rules what the hell's going on here science experiment I want to see what happens if I taser this cantaloupe [Music] okay you're about to look into the face of Pure Evil ah good morning good morning good morning I'm Captain Julie Kim and I'm Chuck if you want results stay the hell out of my way okay well I guess I know who the office badass is anyway I just want to say how excited I am to be here at the 99 I heard the best things about this place from who meline wch per chance oh I've actually never spoken to acting commissioner wch I requested the posting through the cop's office I didn't prepare a speech uh but a little about me I was the first female Asian-American captain in the NYPD my guilty pleasure is charity work and what do I do for fun basically just design and build skate parks for marginalized communities and that's me Lieutenant thanks for coming in first off do you have any questions for me just one why would someone of your pedigree choose a 99 well why would you choose to stay here as long as you have this is my family a second family I have a wife and three kids at home oh please tell me you have pictures I may have one or two hard drives at my desk let me grab them real fast it's okay so Captain Kim I've been going through your files and I've been going through yours very impressive stuff not just the casework but look at how they're organized the penmanship color coding how do you get such straight margins on a handwritten document oh well I like to say when it comes to margins there's no margin for error so supposedly you build skate parks huh what are your three favorite tricks oh Ginger Snap plasma spin roast beef grab what about you alies and the roast beef one that you said doesn't matter we're both skaters let's move on well I've been looking through your recent evaluations and I don't don't think you belong here I knew it you want to get rid of me well you know what you can't fire me because I quit metaphorically obviously for medical insurance reasons it's much better if you do fire me I'm not firing you I'm very impressed by your talent and record and it just so happens I have a friend in the FBI who is looking for an nyp deais on officer Michael Norm I didn't realize you arrived come with me I want to make an introduction don't worry Jake you're our friend we're on your side no matter holy crap look at those chairs I I know you two like to sit and these are the most comfortable chairs ever give them a try oh remember how she said she didn't know meline wch well then explain why she has an email from her dated two weeks ago subject Raymond halt Peralta why don't you read that email aloud for everyone oh you'd love that wouldn't you wait a minute why would you love that this is going to be bad for me Isn't it Amy you read it no I'll do it jaky oh the old Charles is back Julia we've never spoken four words in and it's already pretty bad for me but your transferred to the 99 is a foolish one your dysfunctional Precinct commanded by a rancid old prune Ray Holt but in recognition of your exemplary service I will honor your wishes once but then why are you at the 99 I'm here for you yeah because you're my hero I am off today you overcame so much to become a Captain it made me feel like I could accomplish anything so when the chance came up to work with you I jumped at it but why not just tell me that because you were so down about being in uniform I didn't want it to come across as pity boy Lin I want you working the J Street Axe Murder ooh we're the butcher bimbos the butcher B Noe detective Bole and his little butcher buddy oh I like that now that that's been sorted are there any questions yes I have a question Captain Jeffers are you ready for the Halloween Heist what are you doing Peralta last year was the final heist we all agreed it was over ah Terry you Jolly simpleton that was obviously a ruse I mean did you really think I was going to let Hitchcock win the last Heist that would be crazy Hitchcock you would have been unforgivable that's true it felt wrong I know someone who's in the old janitor which is actually me Deputy Commissioner Raymond Hol and he's not the only one I'm in too me too as am I Gina lanetti that's right Terry this is happening every year we're in each other's lives forever whether you like it or not so what do you say captain are we doing this what I say is n n I know your shift is over and you've had a challenging night but I think I found a new way to raise morale follow me to the briefing room what's all this it's an afterwork hang just trying to turn up as it were we got uh snacks games decorations chairs yes chairs cool maybe we can Mill around and small talk about how some of us are big lying Liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars Rosa I don't think that's good party combo uh maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot I'll start the bow line how about some tunes cool merry go around music yeah John Phillips Susa the Skrillex of his day come on people hit the Dance Floor have a good time why is no one having a good time I specifically requested it you guess you should be very proud of yourself I know things aren't exactly where you want to be right now but uh I promise you they will approve thank you Captain every time someone steps up and says who they are the world becomes a better more interesting place so thank you tell me why do you want to win this game so badly honestly I guess I still feel like my parents don't accept my sexuality and winning this will let me prove to myself that as long as I feel good about who I am that's all that matters that's a load of dung you processed that parent stuff a year ago you're right we're going to Drag Brunch this Sunday no there's something private that is fueling you and when I find that private fuel I will extract it to use as my private fuel in my private fuel tank then I will have a full tank of private Fuel and you will have an empty tank of PR Rosa Jocelyn broke up with me what I want the day off so I can sit alone listen to death metal and get my head right you like it not at all you can leave not a chance well the curse is over the slump is done Jake is back permission to take a selfie of the two of us sir permission denied too late that was a good one so the rabbit's foot worked huh H maybe all I know is my mind was so numb from doing all that boring data entry that my brain kind of rebooted and I had an inspiration about one of my old cases and I now see that that was your plan all along and that you're capable of smiling all talented detectives have their ups and downs per all time so you think I'm talented you said it no take backs you know why boil doesn't slump because his whole life is a slump because he doesn't let adversity get him down he keeps grinding if I'd given you those new cases the second you hit a snag you would have spiraled again you need to stay out of your own head okay but sir I don't get it if that was your plan why bother with Smitty and the rabbit's foot well there was a very good reason for that I was uh I believe the term is uh messing with you oh I see what's going on here we're becoming homies office Christmas card candidate right here me and H are homies what do you want well since there's a good chance that things are coming to an end I just wanted to say thank thank you for everything that you've taught me I know you may not see yourself as my mentor but of course I do I've been mentoring you all this time what this is day 1,282 of a 9-year mentorship I had mapped out for you under ordinary circumstances I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3300 it was real there was a binder not anymore no you can still Mentor me if we don't work together we could me for breakfast every day you could teach me over eggs eggs for breakfast for the behind it I thought no look okay there are 10 hours left sir if you talk fast enough you can teach me everything interesting okay you have to take notes do you think you can keep up let's just say I was president of the stenographers Club in high school for a reason was the reason because you were the only member yes it should take 70 seconds for you to fully gauge someone's character here's what to look for grammar posture scent attire level of perspiration type of Shir color what's the best type of shirt collar English spread obviously but let's hold the questions until the end when people say good morning they mean Hello when people say how are you they mean Hello when people say what's up they mean I am a person not worth talking to there are two acceptable sleep positions on back toes up arms crossed or on back toes up arms at the side do not trust any child that choose bubble gum flavored bubble gum do not trust any adult that choose gum at all never vacation in B attention Squad I just got word from peral and boil did they make their best they save the precinct no they decided to try to bring in a bigger fish they're not going to make the hearing so Jake's doing the right thing instead of The Selfish thing you did this to him look I know we all want this Precinct to survive but I'm proud of them loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important but more important is our loyalty to this city and its citizens so I guess what I'm trying to say is let's go get drunk [Music] oh

Channel: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Views: 905,942

Keywords: Brooklyn Nine-Nine, brooklyn 99, b99, Stephanie Beatriz, Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg, Detective Charles Boyle, Melissa Fumero, Detective Amy Santiago, Detective Jake Peralta, Terry Jeffords, Amy Santiago, Chelsea Peretti, Andre Braugher, Gina Linetti, Terry Crews, Joe Lo Truglio, brooklyn 99 i want it that way, brooklyn 99 bloopers, brooklyn 99 backstreet boys, brooklyn 99 funny moments, brooklyn 99 captain holt, brooklyn 99 cold open, brooklyn 99 full episode

Id: rvmYFtKyxeU

Length: 21min 44sec (1304 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 24 2024