Ethan Destroys The New Office - Off The Rails # 1

hi guys and welcome to a new episode of off the rails uh what we what you're seeing me on is the four thousand dollar love bot we bought for love so that you can participate in the show today ila is out of the office so i'm in the teddy fresh office and i'm here to check on everybody hi lina are you on task today yes very much so absolutely let me lower this a bit just so i can be on eye level with you i don't want you to feel that i'm towering over you but that we're equals oh wow it's fast now pick up some speed eh andrew just checking up on you make sure you're working everything okay great you didn't close anything on the browser when i approached did you you saw that i'm just observing what are you trying to hide it looks it looks weird dude because you're looking down i gotta use the restroom excuse a little privacy please someone want to play ping-pong with me he's okay hey look who's back hey hey hey and he's off the rails this is our first official number one baby off the rails and i'm telling you guys ela's not here and i'll be honest some of the crew member is afraid that i'm gonna be getting seriously injured today we're so off the rails it's gonna be a literal train wreck what we've got planned is the love bot which you guys have met we're gonna have a collision course we're gonna see what this bot can do and then once love is done navigating that i'm gonna rip it apart on the gatsby we got a little some jumps and stuff it's gonna be pretty gnarly bro jackass part five off the rails we got sued and now i'm going to the hospital you just gonna be like what have you done yeah my goal off the rails only ends when either i'm hospitalized or we're sued to the point of uh a judge putting a a conjunction on us what is that called when the judge is like you you can't do this anymore injunction injunction that's it baby that's the only way we're stopping we got a lot of fun stuff here today though um coming up ian's beard ian's been getting a lot of comments on his beard so we're gonna have a whole segment about in stand up ian stand up please stand up stand up here let's see that we stand up yeah ian looking like forrest gump who just ran across country what year is it and he's yeah right exactly from jumanji so ian what's going on with the beard i mean let's come on like just to clarify i know it looks like [ __ ] don't worry i haven't convinced myself you didn't say that that this is a vibe i i told myself that uh when the pandemic started and we all went inside i was going to embrace that and just see how nasty my hair and beard could go yeah that's interesting because i saw sam yesterday your girlfriend and she said she lot she didn't mind it she even said she liked it i'm sure she really means that oh you think she should okay it seems sincere yeah it seems sincere to me yeah life was like a box itself of course gunpowder looking you never know what you're going to get oh that's great well apparently you posted a photo you got a bunch of hate comments so we're going to talk about that i don't mind it though i think i could use some some grooming but like you know what i mean yeah i mean now that we're back at work i was planning on shaving it all off like the social experiment is over it's over i have so many questions for you but so we're going to be talking about that may oh a mayo update and actually the most exciting thing by far is that bts korean pop superstars the one and only now has a mcdonald's meal you guys no way and get this here's the meal it's chicken nuggets it's french fries and it's a coke innovative wow and it was um i'll be honest with you guys i don't know if it's i don't know if i'm is it nine bucks for the nugget meal now let me just say this with peace and love i look i've said things about bts in the past that i deeply regret they were xenophobic they were not they were even i'll be honest dude it was it wasn't cool what i said about about bts i've been listening to bts i've been opening my mind and i am army now that's why i bought we bought two of these in support of army and we're going to be reviewing them and um i'm so sorry to bts army i honestly i don't ever wanna i'm army guys i'm like signed up on the forums i've got my favorite one do you post fan cams on twitter i have a yeah i have a sp i have a secret fan cam twitter account that nobody knows about sick and i i spam my own tweets with fan cams you you said you have a favorite one which one um that's my favorite what was his name v oh that's the guy who speaks really good english right i believe so yeah and they do this what's up haters i know what the [ __ ] i'm doing they hate the heart right you see i learned about them i love k i love bts and all cultures of the koreas specifically south korea north korea is fine but i'm not i love the people of north korea uh but we don't stand kim jong-un i don't stand kim jong-un no i'm john no no no no no no no no no no anyway with that being said okay so listen the me this real special sauce of the meal is that they got these special dipping sauces sweet chili and cajun now you know first of all this wouldn't be off the rails if i wasn't eating stuffing my [ __ ] face to be honest with you guys i came in and i already demolished the fries because i was like oh [ __ ] this i'm not waiting so this is very off the rails okay trisha organizing me what was that i hope that's not what that was so now just just bear this in mind army members who are watching if i don't like this it doesn't mean i don't like bts i love bts and everything they stand for and do [Music] but if i don't like this sauce please don't cancel me i'll try my best to like it though which one are you hitting first so you guys got your sauces back there we're gonna do a team dipping dude i'm not gonna hit the nuggies but i will try it with some fries here yo since when was a nuggy meal nine bucks mcdonald's usually has a 20 piece for five bucks 20 pieces for five what happened is it the sauce is the sauce expensive well that's just the nuggets for the five bucks but still yeah i don't know oh so you do have to pay extra for the sauces so maybe there's a little extra charge on the sass okay whatever i just looked it up uh 10 piece chicken mcnuggets at mcdonald's is 450 and that's just for the nuggets so if you add the fries in the drink yeah i'm about maybe what you talking about 30 dollars 20 dollars for five bucks that's outrageous no just for the nuggets though now no drink nobody just refuted that that is wrong oh wait a minute no he's right the the 20 piece is only five dollars the 10 is 450 and then you can get another 10 for another 50 that's why everybody's fat as [ __ ] they want because if i knew that i'd be getting those 20 pieces every time i i apologize why are those extra 10 nuggies were only worth 50 cents because like you said they want to [ __ ] shove the [ __ ] but isn't that right what does that say about the actual cost of making these nuggies where they're like it's worth it to give them double for 50 more yeah well nobody said chicken whoa the highest quality meat all right so so bts army v we love v v heart everything wow v is uh one of the members oh dan oh so ignorant i am ignorance so much to learn dan he's i'm not hating i just i literally don't know the name of the members all right i'm taking a taste of the cajun how is cajun a south korean thing isn't that like literally and i'm like a american spice i i mean yes but uh maybe just cajun flavoring is popular over there i mean korean food is popular over here so you know it's a cultural exchange let's [ __ ] go you're into it it's like horseradishy it's a flavor you don't expect to find in america with the horseradish it's got a kick there a little mustardy i like that oh that is good yeah approved wow dude i'll never forget good dude i love the occasion bro sensational no way no what this is the best sauce ever i'm trying off of one bite it's perfect yeah fried chicken wednesday baby it is it is good hand to god is out of this [ __ ] planet [Music] oh my god you guys it's almost as good as their music oh i'm not exaggerating this is so good it's spicy it's horseradishy it's creamy this is unbelievable i am i am blown away by this cajun sauce i'm into it now i see why so much more i'm gonna come you know it recalls the memory of whim friend of the show justin roiland got that the szechuan sauce the szechuan sauce right said they talked about rick and morty and then mcdonald's re-issued a couple of szechuan bottles for him do you think people have an amazing marketing team by the way mcdonald's yeah i mean i know they're like huge but like they're really good at marketing because they sent him the szechuan bottle and this like it looked like the nuclear codes where you keep the nuclear codes it was awesome anyway i tried the szechuan sauce i hated it horrible this is the real [ __ ] deal wow did you all get a taste of the of the occasion i have tasted the cajun and um i'm with you i i'm not gonna go as far as to say it's the best sauce i've ever had but it but it's quite good i like it 10 out of 10. i like it 10 out of 10. well we have another sauce here i'm moving on to the sweet chili which i don't expect to be as good to be frank just based on the look and consistency but keep an open mind very sweet that's pretty good too bro it's not bad i'm they nailed it i'm not i'm not even going to complain bts nailed it those south koreans know how to eat sauce sauce yes they do that is honestly really good but i'm cajun boy all the way the cajun is better but the other one is good oh my god you guys if you think i'm just blowing smoke up your ass i'm shoveling it in my mouth yeah yeah hila's not here to stop me fire was that that was that the semen pretty sure that just screamed fire yeah is that what that came from okay um yeah no i'm impressed this is certainly better than um than the standard mcdonald's uh sauce fare you know what i mean i know some people are very much about the mcdonald's barbecue sauce but i've always felt barbecue sauce is very lacking i like barbecue sauce in the right conditions you know like on grilled meat and stuff but i'm not dipping my nugs in barbecue sauce that to me is insane that's what i do that's i'm not dipping my nugs in barbecue sauce i'll take ranch i'll take ketchup you take ranch over barbecue sauce on doggies [ __ ] every day of the week so i don't agree with ethanol what the [ __ ] i'm with dan i'm a barbecue thank you i'm disgusting i'm not for the ranch the ranch is life dude i'll do whatever bts is doing i i i'm gonna come out of the closet right now and let everybody know that i i'm actually a ranch hater me too buck ranch awful one of the worst inventions come at me what ranch wine sucks ass it's a terrible sauce terrible dressing i mean i'll take basically any other salad dressing over ranch on a salad why it grosses me out too why i love bran it's just it's just it's so good it's everything wrong with america distilled into assault okay stop dan so high mighty like you're [ __ ] the the pinnacle of health and beauty it's just anyway what can i do well i might what i'm not going to convince you ranch is good and you don't like it i mean you have bad taste what can i do you know what i put on everything a guy doesn't [ __ ] want barbecue sauce on his nugs like what it's blast for me anyway i was honestly at first i was like mmm i don't get it it's just a chicken nugget meal but for our mcdonald's commercial that's right i love them so much and i'm so excited to share this with you we can't wait for you to try and grasp we hope you're ready to order the biggest meal what's in the mirror chicken mango gas fries and coke it's just funny when they go chicken nugget fries and coke i was like i think that's the number five already but it comes the question sauce cajun sauce special cajun sauce and sweet chili sauce just for you [Music] these guys are amazing man they can sell anything bro they're literally out here selling chicken nugget meal and like i saw number one trending on twitter yesterday everyone's buying chicken nuggets it's already been on the menu for like decades right so are you ready here it is our mechanized our his shirt so come click check it out and don't forget to order your own bts mia oh i didn't there was in one promo video they go because they're they're so like healthy you know i was like my these guys aren't eating like i don't i feel like they probably don't eat nuggies no they go there's ten nuggies one for each member and three left over so each one of them is getting one nugget i was like that sounds about right my fat ass is eating all 10 of them there's like there's three left over who's gonna get them just kidding they're all gonna share i was like oh my god is that how i'm supposed to be eating one nugget money even yeah god i've been slipping lately i'm not gonna lie uh yesterday we had shake shack on the bus tour no good people don't know about that yet here i think this is the one where they say they're gonna share the nuggies [Music] yeah we're here for the bts meal alcohol and fries ten piece chicken nuggets and one more thing and cage yo this is insane yeah the beast is gonna pull those sauces out of the matrix [Music] dude i cannot believe they're just selling a chicken nugget meal this is amazing marketing bro i want to do a meal it's just like cheeseburger french fries diet coke wasn't that basically uh travis scott's remember yeah no his was like was just a normal meal too it was um do you have anything special like extra pickles or some [ __ ] ian what was it yeah uh i don't remember exactly it was a sprite and a big mac i like how you don't get to pick your own drink either like it comes with a coke that's it dude [Laughter] we should make our own crew meals well you could customize it but yeah if you just say like i'm here to speak to captain jack then there's no customizing no they they didn't even acknowledge that we tried saying yo what's up captain jack they'd be like what right ian ian went and tried that and yeah we're just like what the [ __ ] i did it i did on my own time and they didn't had no idea what the [ __ ] it was yeah they're like what the [ __ ] bro just order oh that's a training problem i suppose a mcdonald's okay so what would our meal be i feel like my meal would be the double quarter pander with cheese hey come get the eathy meal double quarter pounder with cheese okay large size and because you're packing on those calories we're gonna be adding a diet coke you know what it is no substitute oh but here's the twist okay what's the twist yeah double quarter pounder with cheese no onions [Music] taking things away it's the ethan meal it's less than a normal meal it's the eat the meal baby no onions no onions just say ethan's saying you know what the [ __ ] oh wait there's one more twist okay oh this is what cactus jack did a little bit of ice not a lot oh no extras oh yeah he was extra ice that's right he added bacon is what that was that was the the twist on his head over to mcdonald's diet coke i am so excited no ice half full i like that at least with no ice you get more soda no it's half full because i don't like to drink at all oh oh it's large size but half full oh i haven't got another good one ethan meal the bag comes with a ton of fries on the bottom [Music] yeah but they're not free they just pour some out into the bag oh these aren't bonus fries they pour them out into the bag so your carton is half full [Music] i gotta say i'm not that impressed with the ethan meal well i'm not that impressed with any of these meals i know i mean that's true but it well the bts one these special sauces do kick it up enough okay here the ethan meal comes with an extra patty thrown into the bag with no container or anything it's just a patty [Music] and then they squirt ketchup into the bag floating it's just a soup it's just a mcdonald's soup in your bag tell them ethan sent you papa's in the house all right well i got to eat mcdonald's so i guess that was worth it you know that's what it's really all about ian you want to tell me about your beard feedback i mean there's a gallery of some of the replies i got okay let's see what people thought it was very sweet people been heckling ian on social media year is it i thought it was very nice to post a picture of myself and my girlfriend you know something kind of sentimental and you're sharing well this right out the gate they just said shave so this is the photo by the way because when you told me about this and then when i went on instagram and saw the photo myself i was like i see why people are saying that to be fair so shave somebody's one of these messages is ethan man looking like you are like a [ __ ] dude i didn't say that how dare you he did message me though and he was like i get why they responded the way they did yeah man looking like forrest gump when he decided to stop running right never know what you're going to get ian i can't keep defending you get a haircut all right that's what i'm saying i don't think you have to shave it just clean up a little bit no it's not it's all coming off the whole point is it's nasty someone said ian you good [Laughter] just concerned just blanket concern i appreciate their concern very robin williams from jumanji vibes that's uh the robin williams jumanji of comparison i mean i live in a jungle room so i i appreciate that oh what year is it ian why does it seem you are homeless and she found you under the pier that's true that's a funny observation isn't it [Laughter] caveman and a woman from civilization meet and greet people say you this is pretty funny it's pretty funny random [ __ ] a lot this is just like a small sample amazing yes i appreciate the flint army this picture screams wilson wow tom hanks from uh castaway ladies and gentlemen well done love that ian's serving the industrial revolution and its consequences interesting that's pretty high level what's the joke that you're like a marxist yeah yes you are kind of a marxist aren't you ian so it's maybe i i mean it's kind of accurate i mean yeah me and carl have similar fashion at least in that regard unibomber but he loves that about you damn these [ __ ] are brutal he's getting roasted and also these are like private messages they're not even doing it for other people they're just doing it to [ __ ] roast you 101. how did all this make you feel ian i mean it's it's funny i appreciate the feedback good feedback yeah it's good constructivity you look like a zoologist respectfully yeah you remind me of charles manson in this picture wow and that's just a dude being like hey just so you know because you weren't aware that's the vibe i'm getting can we put a swastika on your forehead oh that's all of them yeah that's it some funny ass people back there so are you going to bow to peer pressure ian well i i was planning on it anyway i was trying to book a hair appointment and then i posted this picture and i was like oh man i never really clarified why i have such a ratty disgusting beard so i had that coming i i was telling zach i think there's like a small bird living inside maybe somewhere yeah well we wish you all the best i'd love to cut it for you we'll bring a barber out do some tricks do some like you know those barbers get up some crazy [ __ ] these days maybe burn it off you've seen those guys that like burnt did the burning haircut oh my god the guy with the axe somebody somebody send that the burning haircut this is what i want to get you ian please let me do this yo ian you have to let us do this we'll have a safety supervisor i'll be standing by with a virus extinguisher to burn hair off my face no these guys are professionals bro look at this they do it specifically in india for some reason but there's no reason that that shouldn't look at this [ __ ] bro this is this could be you they set your hair on fire and then cut it why no [ __ ] clue dude your hair's been on fire for like a long time why is he sitting there so calm your hair's smoking dog what could be the purpose of that uh to give it texture i suppose is the only thing i could really i mean after you ever cinched your hair it's horrible the texture is horrible the smell is the worst part dog your hair is like on seriously on fire right now i guess it seals the ends and bonds them together from what i'm reading right now oh so if you have oh so there's actually some kind of well that's what the people who do it say yeah with this kind of thing you got to wonder it makes me wonder why only in india if it was that good it's not it's not only in india yeah this [ __ ] got a blog tour a lot of the videos are from india though i don't i i guess maybe it's pocket i never seen anyone do again outside of india i have i i yeah i fall i actually look at this guy look at his bro what are you doing what is this he's gonna oh this is oh no this is india's still bra that's just dry hair with a candle oh no no no that can't be good for your hair that ain't that ain't that's not bonding [ __ ] that's just burning your hair fire yeah i'm seeing in italy california oh ian please let us do this to you please we can find somebody in kelp i'm begging you especially with a beard i'll do it with you i need a haircut too if let's do it together let's all get let's all do it in i don't have any hair to cut right out i'll get a trim but i don't know if i can get rid of the mane dude here i got a beard one from love you guys want to see a beard set on fire i wouldn't want nothing more ian please let me do this to you ian please stand up here this guy's setting his beard on fire wet oh what bruh what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] there's no way this is doing anything what is he doing oh he just like burned his what was that you guys there's no way that did anything i haven't got a [ __ ] clue it's bizarre he just he moved it way too fast okay here here's more here i want to see if he actually lights him on fire love you say he sets his [ __ ] on fire no not not more than that i sent another time stamp where he does it on the other side and i want to wash his beard on fire i don't want these little cute little zaps [Laughter] so i said look at this dude yes look at this ian that could be you look at this so something tells me though that you're not down for this or are you kidding or just be straight with me i mean because i'll bring a professional out here and i'll do it with you why don't we just go grab a match in uh candle lysol and let's just get it over with in here set you on fire these guys are professionals these guys they they act like they don't know what the [ __ ] they're doing i guarantee these guys are just putting fire to the dome and praying for the best every time i'm reading some more about it i guess i guess it's about burning off split ends primarily that's [ __ ] uh fire creates look how vlog his head's on fire he steals the moisture maybe he says it seals the moisture for for that dude needs a little fire between his uh eyebrows you know what i'm saying peace and love i mean it's a vibe if you're into it fire okay there's no way that his head's not like there's no way that that's not immensely painful right i mean he's got a flame on his head for like a fair amount of time keep opening different websites about it and every one of them seems to have a different explanation of why people do it which kind of points me in the direction of it being [ __ ] of course it's vulnerable to get on the same page about i mean i i don't know anything about taking care of hair so you know maybe dan's gonna be uh maybe it was grinding up a rhino horn and eating it for sexual prowess because now i'm looking at okay this guy's beard actually gets on fire apparently with just a straight up lighter you guys there's no fancy [ __ ] here this is just a dude with a lighter dan should mayo up that dome yeah ian what do you think i mean we we don't have to hire anyone for this right come in a letter it's just a lighter and a comb i mean i could just go to the dollar store and be ready so can i do this to you then just me doing it to you uh i'll have to think about it i mean then you want to go find like an excavator and we'll do some yeah right afterwards i'll put your ass on an excavator toss your ass in the ocean oh this is so funny and i mean you're welcome to do it yeah i i'm down to do it i'll do it i'll give a [ __ ] look how nice it looks look how clean he looked it's awesome love me daddy 10 million views man people love watching the [ __ ] here let's read the comments yes i would like number two on the side and back on fire please and back and top on fire what do you want the barber customer you know that guy ghost rider fire just because you can do something doesn't mean you should very good comment well let's try to find a barber to specialize in this i'll do it if ian won't we'll do it's a perfect off the rail segment it's like oh you lose here ethan's head is on fire ela's not here god's gonna have a flame coming out of your butthole yeah um yeah i guess if uh anybody out there is in the greater los angeles area and knows a barber that uh does this technique reach out yeah or just i mean we could do some research tools probably i'm sure that yeah i'm gonna i know one of you guys on standby with a fire extinguisher though yes for sure i'll even have them trim my eyebrows with flame i don't give a [ __ ] eyebrows that sounds terrifying eyebrow you know i'm getting older my eyebrows are starting to grow you've got one random long eyebrow hairs that happen big time oh big time so i've always had bushy ass already trimmed with a flame what better way why stop there maybe he can do like my body my ass beautiful brazilian with a flamethrower you know get some third-degree burns and maybe i'll get some time off too sure medical leave for burning your genitalia burn burn okay listen we've got another huge announcement here and okay i'm somewhat conflicted on this i i don't know how to okay well let's just let's just say it straight craft mail did the what i think is unfortunately the inevitable i know they excluded zach where's the initial tweet where they show the finalists but it is interesting they they sent you this i wonder if they sent this to other people or if they just trying to appease you zack what do you think well i finally they sent it to the podcast twitter i never received a message on my personal page oh yeah but we submitted it from the podcast how are they supposed to be okay yeah that's fair enough zach's finding any reason to get pissed off now they didn't hunt me down um it's it's look it is what it is but i'm not happy and zack's down playing it he had a [ __ ] meltdown when he found out about that we have a video it's really not an exaggeration well let me read the message they messaged our podcast twitter hey at the h3 podcast thank you for submitting your entry to become our next craft mayo uh mayo dorsman we appreciate all the time and dedication put into videos like yours they didn't say years by the way they said we appreciate the time and dedication put into videos like yours not a direct compliment no it's a total snub while your submission did not become a top eight finalist we are happy to recognize your originality personality and of course zach your passion for craft mayo yeah i am passion as an honorable mention this title will get you an exclusive craft mayon endorsement t-shirt did we provide our mailing info for that no i mean i don't want to spoil it because it's in the video but we we had somewhat of a curt response let's see oh no we're the war has begun well this is where it gets interesting they say here's a free t-shirt and then they also offer a year's supply of craft mail now i'm very curious what does that mean because they've seen how we use mayo and we bathe in it so i'm wondering how far can we stretch a year's supply of mayo i mean it's such a [ __ ] you to us like it's like oh here you go here's a [ __ ] t-shirt you know i mean it's literally a consolation prize yeah [ __ ] them to redeem your prize please let us know the best address to send it to thanks again for showing up and showing off your love for mayo yeah bastards i kind of knew this was coming you know maybe maybe okay hear me out i know we're like ruining their contest and the thing is if you got in the top eight you would definitely win by a landslide right so i'm wondering if they're just trying to be fair about it or i'll be honest with you zach maybe they knew you weren't using real craft mayo in the [ __ ] swimming pool it's about time we come clean on that why would you admit that what what what what are you talking about you already lost zach the gig is up the jig is up it's [ __ ] over dude you're not winning [ __ ] dan went and bought uh like yeah they don't sell uh at costco gallons of uh craft made maybe they know they're like that's not craft mail you think i'd bathe in their [ __ ] product right you think i would let that touch my [ __ ] skin not real crap hellmann's you would use right of course or maybe like nature's or what is the there's like that class one best something fast food that is yeah best foods is kind of the icon i uh yeah and i i say in my rant that i am a hellman's boy now and craft can go [ __ ] themselves rough well let's let's watch the video because so here's zach's genuine reaction i don't think he's playing this up when the hammer came down it was big news when they tweeted out the finalists and we're like zach's not there i [ __ ] called it i knew they weren't going to include you they've been snubbing you all month well they sent the dm before they put out the um the finalists well they're clearly scared of the mayo war that's brewing they know what's coming i'm just confused because it's like on one hand they want the publicity right which we gave them out the [ __ ] wad zoo we're like the only our audience is the only people paying attention to this like who the [ __ ] cares about craft mail social media no one when have any of you guys ever out there interacted with a mayonnaise social media website and by the way to what end who gives a [ __ ] i i had a bit of a conspiracy that the bar stool connection i found interesting yeah we we've got to talk about the barstool connection okay let's watch zach's reaction and then we can talk about the bar stool conspiracy but okay are the finalists a bar stool associated ian no i mean we'll we'll watch the video okay here here's zach's uh unfettered response today what's going on i missed it it's the podcast square what the [ __ ] we just found out hey free podcast thank you for submitting your entry to become our next come on already endorsement we appreciate all the time and dedication put into videos like first nice music your submission did not become a top eight finalist we are happy to recognize the originality zach spent that money oh really for craftsmen yeah i am back as an honorable mention this title will get you an exclusive hashtag craft mayo endorsement t-shirt oh [ __ ] [ __ ] you hey and your supply of craft mail hey your supply [ __ ] you crap my voice cry nice [ __ ] you and now i gotta keep it in god damn it all right for showing up and showing off your love for mayo sincerely team real craft mail hey team real crap now right there right there [ __ ] okay and i'm true i'm admitting this right now and this is true show my phone i love dan's response dan just writes you just made the biggest mistakes of your lives a threat on a holiday [ __ ] you craft mayonnaise he let them know he literally cracked me he let me know [ __ ] you crap i said you just made the biggest mistake yeah all right is there so i think we got is there should i keep watching they would maybe uh kind of calm me down he walked you off well that's not funny i mean i think they just wanted it to be fair but you guys so ian what's your conspiracy ian knows something interesting about the bar stool well i just noticed when i was going through the um i kept getting craft advertisements because i'm on this mail page all the time now and all of that so sorry i got to interrupt you who's going out and buying mayonnaise because they got a sponsored spot no one what is the mayonnaise is mayonnaise business rough for craft mail i mean what is this whole thing even about bro it's in the grocery store i'll buy mayonnaise when i need it right anyway sorry i was just saying i i kept getting these ads and they were all from bar stool promoting this competition and when i went in the hashtag i saw like every single promoted tweet was from like a bar stool affiliate there's no such thing as a coincidence what wait who so wait craft was paying to promote bar stool man yeah it was like barstool sports sign up now to do the craft may endorsement and then it said promoted by real craft mayo so there's no such thing as a coincidence we got a little bit of barstool beef over here on the show wait here's zach oh that's someone's a photoshop okay i'm looking to the i'm trying to find the look at the engage the thing is is that craft is a craft mayonnaise specifically is a big sponsor of barstool sports if you google barstool uh craft mail there's all kinds of videos where it's like this section brought to you by craft mayo do you love mayo wake up so that there's there's some deep ties there's some real yo here's the main barstool sports twitter account the finalists for craft mail have been announced what why oh so this was never meant for us dave rigged this was some bar stool [ __ ] that we got involved in and they rigged the [ __ ] election yep there's casey john what's going on they're stealing that time of the year the time everyone's been wondering when it's coming it's here now it's craft mail endorsement time we've limited it down to eight different candidates for who's gonna be oh my god you know what's ironic we ended up sending them a million times more traffic than [ __ ] they're paying barstool for this whole dumbass thing and we're here actually doing the legwork and they can't even pick our boy he's stealing that no it's a total [ __ ] fraud [ __ ] election yeah holy [ __ ] yep yep yep yeah whoa i bet dave pork by might have even had something to do with it because we have beef i would [ __ ] him bet my [ __ ] life on it i want the [ __ ] billboard man zach so okay hang on we have okay i gotta see more dig deeper into this bar stool dude you're getting sponsored posts from barstool about the craft mayo's competition that is odd to me yup i can't do that i literally can't their post has 40 likes you guys this is not acceptable oh man okay you know i was on the fence like maybe they just wanted to be fair you know maybe they just want a proper winner and and zac but but no i'm this is [ __ ] war bro yep okay let's make it clear i just want to make it clear because i already saw some people on the subreddit and stuff uh complaining about this this isn't about the other contestants leave the other content oh i'm not even showing them by the way the other entries were good i mean right i just want to make this clear to our audience do not go after the other no no no no no no no no we lost with them we love them and good they get the money yeah that's fine they get the clout they get the billboard outside barstool headquarters oh and by the way don't be surprised if one of the winners is a bar stool employee yeah they're going to get their own podcast for the [ __ ] so congratulations to the winners this beef is with wheelcraft mayo and now apparently bar stool dave pork boy you know what's good on uh i feel like the unfortunate anti-semitic because he's like jewish what you know because we call him pork boy because i was like you know what looks good on por goes good on pork mayonnaise how is it anti-semitic if he's jewish because jews aren't supposed to eat pork i know but that so just i mean listen i just don't follow him because we call him pork boy i get that i just don't really see how it's anti-semitic well don't people do that for arabs where they say like oh pork i've heard people use that as an insult for like members of the muslim faith inappropriate yeah like school humor i guess sometimes like want some of this pepperoni pizza yeah i mean that's the thing is like if you're like teasing somebody and like or like tricking them into eating some pork or something that's obviously [ __ ] up but just calling him pour what's he love wiggling about over there that's my co-pilot you guys see love over dan's shoulder yeah how are you doing love you okay yeah i'm doing great you feel comfortable inside the uh bot yep i'm just looking over down here making sure he's doing everything how's he doing everything i know you look like a supervisor he's doing great he's doing great thanks man excellent thanks man he's like my chewy to my hand yeah we need that i i wish i had more of a presentation on the bar stool involvement well i mean there's not there's not a lot of solid evidence it's gonna take some more digging but i mean there's obviously a connection barstool sports is sponsored by craft mayo they've been promoting the contest and anybody that knows their h3 history knows that dave portboy's got a he's got a problem with ethan portnoy [ __ ] me he [ __ ] us so [ __ ] him i'm writing along are you are you writing a response yeah okay good we're waiting into this it's getting real okay here's what i wrote stream of consciences this is where y'all [ __ ] up this is a deep conspiracy to steal it from barstool we know what is going on we can read between the lines you're stealing it it's so obvious you'll regret this and corruption on this level cannot stand i'm going to the white house i'm writing my senator there we go respond i appreciate that ethan thank you i'm not done i'm not done this is a war this is a war between good and evil evil corruption and underhanded dealing must be eradicated from this earth we represent the will of the people we are born with uh unalienable rights and you are stomping on them this is just the beginning say hi to dave pork boy for me [Music] done and that is a threat wow dave pork boy yeah i was kind of with the guy i was because i saw people being like maybe we should let the other people have their fun with it yeah and not ruin it i okay they had their fun they got their winner now it's time for [ __ ] war that's it's such [ __ ] and we've done hundreds of thousands of dollars of promotion for craft [ __ ] mayonnaise the least they could do is hook up my boy zach and they send us a [ __ ] t-shirt like that's such a [ __ ] you right we should fill out the and get the prize though because i want to i think that ship may have sailed at this point let's see should i respond right now just have to respond and say okay by the way we will take the team well yeah i mean you're entitled they what are they going to renege on their offer i mean after talking [ __ ] and that's a lawsuit bro you know i really got to thank the uh the foot soldiers for their support you know after you know i didn't get in the top eight uh just gotta thank them and thank everybody for the support um but yeah it's [ __ ] well let's see what happens with the billboard i have pledged to get you a billboard opposite of the winners hellman hellman sponsoring helmets we should reach out to helmets maybe they want to work with us i would not be like uh you're kind of a [ __ ] issue dude we don't want you turning on us um we'll make this right zach thank you but i'm very curious about what a lifetime supply of mayonnaise looks like so all right i i dm them i said and by the way you can send it to our address thank you so much god bless dude they're gonna they're gonna come like commit warfare on us hit fast fit first they're gonna send a hit man after us the art of war dude hit first good offense is a good defense maybe they'll think it's a trap i sent this uh address there's gonna be an ambush well didn't they say to click and fill out a form yeah that was on there oh okay yeah oh you just giving out our address to the mail guy [ __ ] their form [ __ ] their form no i want the prize okay fine i want to know what lifetime supply mayo looks no it's a year supply of mayonnaise oh yeah a year which is just another chicken [ __ ] [ __ ] you to us but you know you know they this no one can compete to what we did i did there were some good entries zach let's be honest well no there was and you deserve to be in the top eight though the the dude that um he should win there's one guy that should win i believe his name is nicholas so please vote for him um but yeah it's [ __ ] nicholas your boy no it's not my boy if someone was gonna split the money with him no if someone was gonna win i hope it's him all right well here's what i got planned next uh let's go test ride the gatsby versus the love robot we've built a little bit of an obstacle course out there these guys are so worried i don't know you guys are so worried i'm gonna hurt myself it's not that crazy i'm really worried you're really worried yeah yeah you all are really worried dude the gatsby is not a toy it weighs like 2 000 pounds it goes like 25 miles an hour you can i can't get it over your love is still turning while you're talking to face you you're not planning on wearing a helmet or any protective gear i mean this is you guys this isn't exactly they're tiny they're so i know but it's just a shitty piece of plywood it's going to snap under the weight of the gatsby there's there's all right well i'm not saying it's not a guarantee that you're going to get hurt but it's let's not pretend it's not within well you know what's the difference between me and david i would never put you guys in that position yeah i mean you're doing it you can do whatever you want i would never ask ian for example to light his head on fire right never but i would oh yeah but no i wouldn't i wouldn't have you guys drive it that'd be crazy if i thought there was a real risk it's me i am a selfless leader a heroic leader really right i put myself on the line uh for this show for the entertainment and if ela was here she would definitely stop me from doing this that's why it's off the rails can i get an amen amen who runs just remember if i get injured you all kind of out of work interestingly yep yeah that's why i don't want you to do this what do you think why do you think that's the only reason dan no that's not the only thing i just don't want to see you hurt but also yeah obviously that would suck financially as well you see the ramps they're tiny i don't know you guys are tripping balls love is right up on you huh i just noticed it says [ __ ] craft mayo on his uh robot oh you can put a little yeah you can write a message thank you thank you for the support yeah of course the line break did come uh yeah so it actually says [ __ ] craft may like the month of may and then the letter o very slick that's some slick technology by the way we spent four thousand dollars on that [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] about the same price as the gatsby so we have equal technology cost right yeah i hadn't considered that i i don't think that this thing is going to be able to keep pace with the gatsby though unfortunately it's interesting um we we waste i wouldn't say waste but we threw down a lot of money for the gag in the gatsby we threw down equally amount for this love bot which doesn't look like much but i mean he is controlling it from sweden right now that is pretty awesome yeah that is pretty amazing let's that's true all right well let's go let's go put them to the test let's go one on one let's see what's up let's see let's see who's going who wins you got your robot talking all right let's see what happens i'm just going to give you a little tap let's do a chicken here come right here okay let's see i'm just going to give you a little tap oop interesting dude kind of the bottom wins that round instead it's grown good it's pretty resilient all right let's have one chicken fight chase and don't even [Laughter] bro yes dude look at the power of the gatsby bro it's my office i own this place what are you guys worried about he's just trying to prove a point now yeah all right let's get to the competition all right let's hit it hit it as hard as you can bro full speed it's full speed [Music] don't give up bro you're right there i'm trying just give it a little kick yeah just give me a big key there it is there it is another one there you go yeah this thing is good man now take out the box [Applause] nice look at that all right my turn all right [Music] um oh all right let's check in with love and see who won that round let's just chicken all right what do we think how'd we do bot versus catchment you killed that first ramp though so i'm not even going to hate on you for that yeah i didn't clear the ramp but i mean the speed isn't there and the aggression the aggression is not there no not at all i'm surprised if they would even allow this in public settings like this thing could literally kill someone get a shot at dan look at him we already knew what this thing could do because we all right well we did it all right you want to erase my boosted board oh yeah it'll be fine put me between your legs put the wheels on the thing come here here this is like this is like a make a wish like you want to know what it feels go [Laughter] [Music] faster and everything [Music] look at this i can't oh that's balance fast bro where's she gonna win i'm not doing anything what the [ __ ] okay three two one [Applause] yeah you got me butt wow i was on low that whole time bro this thing is uncontrollable and hot [Laughter] [Music] bro loves a robot's probably dizzy you put it on the floor okay hit that thing are we doing chicken you want to do chicken we gotta set you guys further apart no get over here no three two one love gets a head start it's still up how you feel love oh you just got knocked the [ __ ] out just put me back on my teeth oh [ __ ] run left run that thing you guys is it it has a little bumper around it let's ride together in harmony oh [ __ ] the we got we lost some straighten that yeah me and my body love we've been through a lot today it's been a hell of a day you know it's just been a good fun competition here so we're going in a day here and it's been good fun times all right i gotta say that gatsby should not be that fast the fact that you can flip it over it's a literally a mobility scooter that you can flip over because it's so powerful and fast that thing should not even be allowed in public settings the thing is when i hit that ramp i was on slow i didn't realize and when i ripped it into high gear i almost flip i almost flipped over because the it's kind of sticky and it gets stuck on the accelerator and there's not a let's be clear there's no break on the [ __ ] gatsby it's a disability you just kind of flip it in reverse and hope it slows down but i'm not even convinced it does anything at all and um yeah i just googled it again and on its spec listing it says top speed 10 miles per hour bro no way yeah yo we got to get a speedometer let's get a speedometer like a radar gun yeah you can do it on snapchat let's do it right now you can do it on snapchat yeah remember i was telling you guys that person got an accident because they were trying to go fast is that accurate i mean yeah because my boosted board only goes up to 20 miles an hour let's do it right now real quick okay all right hold on we're going to do a speed test oh my god okay we tried the speed test it didn't work i think it was going too fast probably for it to compute but we did buy the radar gun right dan i i just purchased the radar gun okay so we've got the radar gun more gatsby content to come but um god i forgot how fast that thing whips bro crazy that's how i roll i have one speed i have one gear genuinely worried for your safety yeah dan wasn't he was like i'm not participating and went in the corner and pretend like he didn't see we love dan but that thing should not that thing's not street legal you could kill someone in that and i'm not joking if i took that to disney i could probably take out a whole crowd of people i could do like a straight [ __ ] mini 911 on the catchphrase yeah you know yeah that's not safe well we love that about it all right coming up here we've got this segment we've been working on we're talk we're calling it the inc we were planning on doing this angry thursday but we thought we'll just do it a segment here so this is angry thursday on wednesday [Music] the angry round talk every one of the gang here and myself has brought in a topic that has made them angry irritated annoyed something that's cause just grinding their we gears going to go one at a time what is going on in your lives that is upsetting you let's [ __ ] get angry boys dance is the gatsby probably dan you want to go first you're right it is the gatsby really uh well you just prepared this right now you were supposed to prepare this like i know and the truth is so i had a hard time with this and this may come as a surprise to some people because i have a reputation on the show i'm well aware that i'm dan the hater and yeah dan the hater for a reason for a reason but the truth is like i even if i hate on something i i'm i'm i'm actually a pretty detached person i don't actually get really mad about anything like it's bluster you know what i mean it's just bluster so when i was i really was thinking about it hard last night i'm like what in my life am i like getting mad at it all the time and um and really kind of came up empty-handed but then we were just shooting that segment and you slamming into the walls destroying the drywall slamming into the tables that we spent all last week setting up oh please it took five seconds to salute him back and i was i was i was getting a little mad i was getting a little mad but um so i mean i know that that's kind of lackluster but don't worry um our boy ab over here uh he's chomping at the bit he told me he had a list of like 20 items okay well hold on dan let's not move along so fast i mean what first of all we got the gatsby i spent four thousand dollars on that thing because it's funny we've got this huge office and open space and then i wipe it out and start having a good time you start pouting in the corner like i mean why can't i just have why do you have to go away and be like because it's not well one because i feel like there was a decent chance of of serious physical harm was somebody harmed no no no and and i'm very grateful for that you dan no no thanks to you because you just came in satin and let everyone else do it it is actually somewhat thanks to me because i have a confession you know how you discovered that it was on the low setting whatever i checked that was my fault oh i i went and flipped it to low right before you hi you didn't honestly okay i didn't i didn't okay because i was like why was it on low i didn't want to say anything but i remember putting it too high i'm like that's weird no i put it on high too you went when when did you do that i was on the guess for the whole time when i was no uh because i i lined it up for you before we got started interesting and also because i was on it and like you know i think it's dangerous man you were just explaining how you could murder somebody with it that's what's funny about it dan it's funny until you until you tip it over while you're drifting on it and it falls on you this is off the rails i don't need another girl right here you're going to tom segura you're put you're trying to keep me on the rails dan somebody has to somebody has to all right dan so so yours is the gatsby i i don't know if i want to put it on the gatsby sounds like it's me i mean can i can i dig a little deeper is it more that you get angry that you try to keep the show on rails sometimes and you kind of get [ __ ] for it uh try to keep us all again again angry is a strong word i don't know i'm i'm oh stop it dan i've seen you get mad yeah what do i usually get mad about do you get mad well we got in a fight for what yeah what because of me and that was the implication we got in a pretty bad fight once when with the vape remember the vape the vape it was a long time ago we had the giant vape when we were doing shooting the video oh well i mean yeah that was just it was a stressful day yeah it was a stressful day but you got you were getting pretty upset yeah i mean i would say early on to us working together are we we did get into it a decent amount you know we had to kind of we kind of had to find the equilibrium yeah we used to butt heads a little bit yeah but um i feel like it's actually really good now well yeah we were shooting the the vape nation ii video and that giant vape and at the time at the time it was just me i mean i don't think even yeah was working for me no it's just you so it's just me yeah and we were shooting all day it was a really [ __ ] hot day that vape is like 400 pounds well i was in a full gucci tracksuit so i was like right and there were and there were some technical problems happening with it and like it was just it was just rough it was it was a rough shoot but so we we get out to we're start on hollywood right and i put on this thing it was pretty it's super [ __ ] heavy and i didn't expect that so first of all i'm like dude how are we gonna shoot this video and we had like a big sponsorship lined up so like right there there was no option there we were shooting this video so i had this giant [ __ ] vape that probably weighed 70 pounds legitimately on the oh i think it's more i think it's more yeah i think it's more than 70. i i it's probably about 100 pounds so i'm literally 100 pounds here and the strap it has a vest it breaks the minute i put it up like immediately and so i was like damn didn't you guys test this and then you're like well why don't you come down and do the fitting because and i was like well what does it matter if i do the fitting the the straps don't matter if it's me or you or anyone else trying it on right i mean i had tried i had tried it on there but obviously it they kind of dropped the ball and those straps yeah and they put in some really weak straps for 100 pound gadget yes and they broke literally immediately yeah so we ended up going running to the store and getting like i got a bunch of zip ties and we we we did a makeshift i mean it all worked out and that video came out great so i agree it was but yeah it was just i'm just saying i've seen you angry that's true you're about to have a meltdown that day to be totally honest uh yeah well again it was there was a lot of factors going into that yeah yeah but i don't blame you but um i'm just saying i i agree so you're right i i mean i i certainly do get angry but that's the thing when i was just sitting thinking about like what in my life like really gets me mad like i just don't like i i'm more of a whiner i'll whine about things but i'm not actually mad it's kind of like halloween you don't have to get well okay how about this how about the insulin prices i know that bothers you yeah yeah that's a good one that that is that is very upsetting yeah yeah i mean like there's just political stuff but what am i gonna do you get on soapbox you start ranting yeah politics i mean well you're not a diabetic dancer all right so dan hates me what so i care about insulin prices just because i'm not diabetic is that what you're saying uh well so in summary dan hates me i know it's not true that's not true all right you try what's bothering you and i mean i was just going to say one but i mean yeah i made like a list no problem yeah let's start with one and see okay dude let me begin uh i hate when people post on like reddit or on like uh youtube comments or my own comments why does ab follow this person why does a b follow keem i seen a uav a comment just the other week because it's my job i'm i got to keep up with whoever we're talking about there's a lot of people i follow that i don't like so yeah i've been wondering why you follow bill cosby for example and you follow o.j simpson you follow the woody allen i was like oh yeah you followed oj yeah he had him blocked you oh right he blocked me yeah you guys walked by the world this is yours truly because i kept commenting under all this post like i don't remember something about him you know just something about him being a murderer yeah just like those though good slice there oj i haven't seen a slice that good since your trial in 90 or whatever yeah stuff like that i convinced lena once i kind of told dan this story i wasn't sure if i wanted to tell on air but i kind of convinced her that oj was threatening your life for real and like yeah like he found out like wait i don't think you've told me this maybe it was zack or something i don't know i kind of loosely mentioned it to you so yeah one time over break you know i don't drink i don't do anything so i'm kind of just very boring but i uh i don't know i want to live the cali life i guess and i tried like a little edible and uh i don't think lena knew it was and lena wait you dosed her without her knowledge i smoke weed every day i am maybe no i mean like well she i don't know i kind of don't want to get her in too much trouble let me let me just say let me say that okay she didn't know she didn't know she didn't know right because she would never do that yeah and she would never do that this is the this is when i found out that i'm really kind of an [ __ ] because for whatever reason you don't mind you i was like tripping out because i never do anything i thought it was funny to pretend that like oj was like threatening us that's so [ __ ] because there was such an [ __ ] and i was like i was like you can't tell anyone you know ethan just told me that i don't i don't know i don't know where it came from i'm like listen we have to be careful we just did a conference call and said like he knows you know he's going to find out where all of us are where we're living and i'm like but you can't tell anyone and lena's like wait are you serious i'm like yeah and then i even pretended dan called me and i'm like i'm like oh [ __ ] hold on that's dude yeah i'm like i'm like oh i was holding my phone yeah i was like i was like did you say anything or she was like no i swear i didn't say anything you really are a sinner it was just you and lena and you when she was high that personality test was right dude that's on my list too zach actually you know what can i add something to my rageless yeah people that [ __ ] with people when they're high you guys have no idea because i know i was so evil i don't smoke weed anymore i don't like the effect of being high but when i was younger i had like this [ __ ] group of friends who would always [ __ ] with you when you're high and it's just it's not cool it's like yeah it's like it just kills the vibe so hard so shout out to a b you know i i hate those people too so let me get this straight you dosed her and then convinced her that oj was coming to kill her what kind of torture ass [ __ ] is this you are a [ __ ] [ __ ] i didn't dose her i just saw i i don't want to get her in trouble yeah yeah you winked wink doster yeah dose my wife and yeah sweetest person on earth i don't know i don't know what that says about me this was supposed to be about you being mad about stuff but now everyone's just mad at you yeah now how did this turn to this what was i complaining about i don't know i don't know but everyone's everyone's rage is a b again oh bro so what happened when you guys got sober did you apologize did you come clean what happened she thought it was it was real she thought it was she goes did i did i write something did i message someone about oj coming after you guys i yeah it was really funny okay but then when was she mad when did you tell her that it wasn't really good to her or did she to this day think that that happened she kept finding out watching this episode right now hey twitter will you guys know the michael jackson poster that ian got me for the christmas episode yeah it was like hanging up and she's like what did what did i say and i was like looking at the picture i'm like don't tell her anything don't tell her and she's like like she was like fully convinced that like she was like tripping that much that she thought i was talking to a poster on the wall oh yeah maybe yeah would you did you ever break it to her that oh yeah yeah yeah i thought so when did that happen when you got covered up or immediately uh when i was writing this segment when i no i'm playing i told her i told her like right after you told her when you guys sobered up right now yeah okay yeah i she called me a buzzkill but she said it distracted her but i definitely have a buzzkill oh yeah which is definitely i never thought i'll play dude that is a foul play yeah we swore off ever do anything again now that was the last time oh so she had a really bad experience if they're like we're never doing anything like that one and done baby damn don't smoke weed with a b yeah i'm serious i guess so dude i'm still thinking back to i think back to that moment a lot you feel bad about it yeah because i feel like i'm really passive and i'm really kind of chill i don't know do you blame it on the weed or chill dude you have like a whole legal path full of things that enrage you oh can you be well so hold on what so what do you how do you rationalize why that happened do you think it was the weed or you're just do you really torture yourself over this moment i i just i like to always like over cycle analyze everything i'm like why my wife is the sweetest person on earth did i try to convince her that oj simpson was trying to kill me and my co-workers i mean and i sold it i sold that [ __ ] you're good yeah i feel like you i feel like that is potentially funny but you just took it way too far oh yeah definitely you know like that's like if you want to [ __ ] with somebody for like a second and be like oh no i'm just playing but it sounds like you you let this play out oh yeah no i'm [ __ ] in the head i don't know i i i'm not trying to be funny right now i really feel bad you're a good actor unless you feel bad we need dr drew back to unpack that but for real i have a if you're listening to this and you are someone that smokes weed with people i have a strict no [ __ ] with people while on drugs policy no [ __ ] with people on drugs amen i support that fully i smoke marijuana so i don't beat my wife and children what the [ __ ] was that baby's the opposite of that all right well that quickly turned into a raging against abc's yeah but that was interesting that was a good story i mean we knew we knew this was this was going to take us places like hey lovebot do you have a story for us um well to be honest i don't really hate a lot of stuff oh come on we don't need the disclaimer just tell me what what's grinding your gears i know you're one thing that you're not annoying me is mcdonald's no yeah i'm gonna drop it on mcdonald's right now okay um well in united states you know mcdonald's uh during kobe has been like really strict they've had masks and stuff on all their employees and everything you know right typical coveted guidelines yeah but in sweden they don't really care about anything like that they don't really wear ma don't they don't wear masks no one wears masks no gloves no sanitary stuff because you know the kitchen is often open so when you stand there and wait for your food you just see how they handle the food and no gloves nothing at all right now that's gonna take off well so is that is that exclusive to mcdonald's or is that just a wider thing in sweden well i mean covet result or kobe this stuff has been pretty bad in sweden uh almost united states levels but on a lower smaller scale right sure so in my opinion the same stuff should apply but are some restaurants taking more precaution than mcdonald's yeah oh that's interesting you'd think that the big corporate mcdonald's wouldn't be taking any risks especially when they say that they will in the united states that just goes to show that these corporations put on the show like they give a [ __ ] about you but they're doing the least amount minimum required by the law because in sweden they're like oh no there's no law that says we have to do this so [ __ ] everybody covet for everybody they're not willing to spend a single cent to make that [ __ ] safer yeah i actually have a beef against mcdonald's too you know or also having to do with covid once covid hit they stopped serving breakfast at any hour of the day oh yeah that is and that has [ __ ] my family life up more than you can imagine ila one of the only things i could go drive through with with ela that she would be happy about was the egg mcmuffins and since that's been gone it's just i haven't had an egg mcmuffin in a year because it's like all the time what it's like crack a [ __ ] egg i mean i don't get that whole breakfast thing crack a [ __ ] egg dude what's the big deal it's so good i mean they had fixed that because that was the thing at mcdonald's for years and then i don't know when it was but yeah in the recent past they were finally like okay well we'll serve this all day yeah what does covet have to do with like not being able to do that anymore you know they were back in the stone ages yeah excellent story love thank you so did you stop going to mcdonald's or you still go there and you just you you roll the dice i i still eat there yeah to be honest what do you like there chicken tasty it's called chicken chicken chicken is that a swedish thing what the hell's this chicken taste yeah that's another thing that i don't really like they don't they have the shittiest menu ever because you know you on the internet you might see like an ad for something new on mcdonald's and then you just realize it's only for the united states and the menu is always the same in sweden it never changes pretty much so what does a chicken is tasty or yummy fried chicken tasty she can taste it i don't know it's like a burger it's like a yeah and i i go with no cheese oh there's the hey we got a love order better get that collab going the chicken tasty with no cheese oh yeah boy all righty who wants to go up next uh zach yeah i know what yours is zach well actually i'm gonna throw you a little curveball okay um what i mean one would be the mayo thing but you know we we talked about we covered that yeah yeah um i have a bone to pick with iphones and apple google actually and i know this is going to make dan happy because he he's not a uh iphone fan if you will uh what uh you said apple and google apple google and iphone i guess on this you have a problem with all iphones all smartphones here here's the okay and i know ab can attest to this because this has happened to him before when you plug your phone in the car it even if you turn wi-fi off you plug it in and you're trying to open your phone yes mind are you driving it this [ __ ] pop-up of can't sing google contacts can't sing google contacts always comes [ __ ] up don't have that problem you don't have that problem never wow i was ready to very specific i was ready to defend apple because i'm like a big apple fan but i'm i know exactly what zack's talking about such i've for some reason it's some like this past year or so there's some kind of google can't uh sync with servers error message yeah it's the most frustrating [ __ ] thing ever yeah i don't have that problem my my iphone i have this problem where it happens in every car no matter what phone i have but it's like maybe it's because i share cards with elan sometimes she drives but it's like the bluetooth always gets disconnected for no [ __ ] reason and i always have to go back to this media screen connect the phone it's like can you guys figure this [ __ ] out right right no i hear you i've had that issue it's also like step up the tech like they can only connect to one bluetooth item at a time i've got a like a like a you know a cordless uh speaker that that we've been using for years that can connect to two blue phone bluetooth devices at the same time right so it doesn't disconnect you all the time right right do you know what i'm saying dan you're looking at me like you don't uh i don't no i know what you're saying i'm just and it just doesn't seem like that big a deal to me oh my god it's so annoying you start driving and then your the music doesn't work doesn't bother you i keep bluetooth off because of that when i go in my car you do what i keep bluetooth off on my iphone whenever i'm in the car like i don't want to jam to your tunes do you want the other apple carplay yeah i plug in okay yeah see i have that too so i don't have to deal with that do you have apple carplay either i do and it doesn't [ __ ] work how does it all work it just doesn't work bro in the rolls yeah it doesn't work half a million dollar car you can't [ __ ] listen to music not a million but yeah like well i just do it on my bluetooth or whatever it was yeah well okay it doesn't work it just doesn't connect anyways this google [ __ ] function sucks needs to be taken care of it's [ __ ] okay top comment is going to be somebody like oh you just have to flip the switch in this one thing you know i'm changing i'm hating on dan right now that's what my second eye is go on i love this one damn being a [ __ ] knife in the neck right now no see this is this what i was talking about dan's trying to look out and he gets [ __ ] for it he's trying to just give us a heads well he presents it in such a uh he minimizes that yeah he's patronizing minimizing your trauma minimizing your trauma yeah you're minimizing his grades patronizing you but he was i think you're softening the blow the first time no he was minimizing yeah yeah dan the hater thank you zach thank you zach maybe if you guys gave him some love his heart would open like the grinch i give dan love so much love he does i'm kidding he does ian and ian stand up yeah ian please stand up please stand up thank you [Applause] all right ian what's bothering you yeah i'm curious uh i told this to zach and he said this would be a good one i don't really know who my rage is directed at here or how i really feel i haven't fully processed it i guess in the emotions but um i got some food the other day and you know i love all shout out to all the food workers i have no beef no beef i don't want any smoke you say that like trump i ordered something and it took him like 20 minutes to get together and they brought it out and they brought me the wrong thing and it's fine it's whatever i just told him i was like oh i actually ordered this this isn't the right and the woman gave me like the dirtiest look the entire remaining time that i was there like she was just she's continued to stare you down yeah like like i was being a difficult customer so like she was glaring at me when i told her she like snatched the bag back she was very like oh yeah i'm sure that yeah like she was convinced that i ordered the wrong thing this was now whatever like you know [ __ ] happens i've worked in food i understand but uh i had this i always have this fear whenever that happens that now my food is going to have like spit or like someone's load everyone's loved you know that [ __ ] does happen i know it's crazy it's hard to think about but that does happen well yeah and when i was younger when i was like in middle school i had this friend of mine and his older brother once told me a story he was like yeah i used to know this guy at domino's and you just like bust fat nuts no tomato sauce dude people like something no no no no no and i've never forgotten that and every time something happens i'm like there's some [ __ ] night no do you think they they were lying i hope they're lying who busts a nut in the marinara well and i brought this up dan's worked in food and he had stories that he's seen you've seen someone bust a nut in the mirror no no no no never bust a nut not saying that i'm saying that that doesn't happen but no but fortunately i never uh what's your anecdote uh well i mean i i worked as a waiter for over five years um and in that time i will say i mean this is it's not super common like in five years of working there i probably saw my co workers [ __ ] with food a grand total of maybe seven or eight times over over the course of five years so that's a lot bro that's weight i would yeah well i mean it does happen so what were they doing with the food i mean i said the one that i told these guys the other day that that they all flipped out about is uh i knew this girl who if the customer if she really hated a customer she would uh take loose change and like stir it around in their drinks no yeah oh you just like take a f that's the stuff that's that's honestly criminal i mean well i think it's all criminal that's like [ __ ] more fair right i think [ __ ] with food in any way like that would that's just not cool you have to be kind of [ __ ] up to think that's okay to do even if you're mad she was pretty [ __ ] up she was not a not a nice person so yeah but sometimes not nice people work in food service and so of course i mean yeah everyone needs to work unfortunately even the douche bags yup exactly but um i i i never knew anybody that just did it sadistically for the sake of it yeah but when you got people like ian who are lying about their orders then you get nothing like that yeah just oh man yeah yeah unfortunately i've heard about that from people too like putting pubes in food especially since i worked as a waiter for five years i i am exceptionally polite to food service workers because i've been on the other end for so many years and um and i tip really well so i'd like to think that my food doesn't get [ __ ] with uh on on the rig but i've definitely got spit in my food hundred percent 100 dude besides are you rude no no same thing i've been a waiter for a long time me and lena so we're always same thing nice tip well but my cousin who's the most picky eater and lena's uh lena has a slight diet you know so certain things because you know only eating halal causes her to send stuff back sometimes and we always say that we're like 100 we're gonna spit in this one wait so when you worked in food service did you see anybody do that i didn't see it but at comerica park the tiger stadium in michigan some guy there's a video going around of him spitting in the pizza oh in the pizza sauce or something like that wait is this what i have up here right now that's just yeah that's the story there's uh so here's a story i got comerica park worker charged thank god after spitting little caesars spitting on the food little seizures so this guy got charged that's awesome yeah he did it on camera and he filmed himself genius his friend filmed him he said he didn't know but clearly if you're gonna not in the marinara don't film it a little extra flavor well here we go little extra spice for you so there's a video of him spitting apparently on trying to find it it's just some dude upset well yeah that's probably the the victim bro douche ugh what come on detroit baby well why would you film it so here let's see what did they do to deserve this because right now our theory is that you have to piss them off so let's see uh the person filmed claiming he was wrongfully terminated oh the homie filmed they got recorded and he's mad i was disgusted mad flabbergasted yada yada yada something tells me in the article they're not going to give the guy vacation he says i had to use the bathroom but i was actually looking for someone higher up in the management to tell me what is happening to pizza okay yadda yadda well the thing is this was at like the baseball stadium and i think they only served by the slice so if he's wherever he's spitting i feel like that's gonna get to more than one person right if it's right it's gonna get split up which is the scariest i mean i think it's just oh lovebot is dead okay so this is here the article says that he tried to return the pizza because he said it was the wrong order and um the employee thought he was lying ah just like what happened to ian i'm not kidding i made that up the tigers suck anyways i'm staying away from marinara for a while seriously you could hide anything in the marinara that's gross dude tiger oh [ __ ] tigers i don't watch sports but i'll tell you since i moved here like all the california teams that won the championship [ __ ] yeah yeah good luck charm go dodgers what's that gonna do with jizz in the mirror yeah what no he was saying the tigers suck oh he's just doing a little baseball okay i'm standing wide sports but okay am i the only one left uh yeah what you got okay now this one i just want to give up just kind of a a disclaimer at the top because it's about theodore and obviously i love theater and there's so many things i love about him so this is all kind of just exaggerated for the show but there's a phenomenon there's so many other good things that we love about him but he's hit what's called the terrible twos he's uh turning two in june the beginning of june and me and either were like oh he's not gonna be because my mom and people always go watch out for the terrible twos it's like a thing that it's a real thing they go well and i was like the [ __ ] off shut up about the terrible twos our kid's perfect well it's hair it's here the terrible twos are here and they're real it's an actual phenomenon when they turn about the age of two they become more self-aware they become emotional and they start exploring all these new sensations and kind of self-determination right like they can do things they begin to understand the concept of of no too right like of like they testing i'm not doing that or yeah like they stopped being completely compliant like an infant is that punk has never been completely compliant fair enough so the thing that's going well okay just for example this morning and i had already prepared this last night so this morning we wake up at 5 30 to a loud crash and i'm like oh my god what is going on the dogs are barking and in comes into our room theodore who was in a crib by the way so he comes into our room carrying this big crane toy which by the way elo was battling with him because he want didn't he wanted the crane in his bed to go to sleep and he was like you can't have the clean because it's all broken and sharp and spiky and she's like you can't have the crane it's dangerous i don't want you sleeping with the crane and he was throwing like a hissy fit he was crying to the point it sounded like he was gonna puke sometimes he cries already pukes that happened once brutal and so she's like no i'm not giving in you can't have the crane when you go to bed so anyway she eventually got him to go to bed so that's another thing is that like he'll throw a fit if he doesn't get his way and so this morning he walks in with the crane in his hand and he goes he goes like teddy teddy hurt teddy got the crane he says like teddy got the crane because the crane was next to his bed so he sue he kamikazed out of the crib at 6 30 in the morning which we kind of knew he was getting there because you can convert the crib to like a bed because there's a certain point where they get big enough they can launch over the side it's pretty tall i'm telling you it's pretty tall and so just last night we're like oh we should convert it like tomorrow and sure enough the same day he comes kamikazing out of the crib crashes on the ground and then comes into our room at 5 30 he usually wakes up at like seven so with crane in hand and he just gets into our bed with the crane and he's like teddy teddy crane teddy got the crane and he's just it was it was i couldn't believe it when he just walked into our room like that i was like oh [ __ ] dude that's a new phase i mean that's a whole new world right there just the thought of him being mobile to that degree yeah oh my god so now i'm sure once we convert his bed to like a actual bed he's gonna be it's gonna be like coming in our bedroom and every god ungodly hour just walking around it's so weird to think that he's just gonna be cruising around he's also been doing this thing where he bullies shredder specifically shredder where he'll slap and kick him and pull his hair and stuff and shredder's so patient and good with him but like i'm always like you can't do that you can't do that and especially when he gets tired he starts getting super like cranky and like uh we call him trouble boy when he gets tired he just stops listening and starts like pouring water and just getting into trouble to test us and he will pull shredder and he just laughs and laughs he thinks it's so funny because shredder will treader will be like you know trying to get away and stuff and he thinks it's so funny but he's being like a picky eater all of a sudden he doesn't want to eat anything the only thing he wants to eat is pasta that's it buttered pasta he's like trisha this is electrician but i was like dude you can't live on pasta so i spent like from the minute i get home my whole night is now trying to feed theodore i'll cook something he won't eat it he just wants pasta and i also gotta feed ela by the way who's not that much [ __ ] easier to feed ela's mom when she was staying with with us for a month she's like all you do is cook for ila and theodore i was like yeah that's my whole life when i get home from work i have no life and now the new thing too is that he never ever ever ever ever wants to sleep never sleeping there's too much to do during the day with peace and love too much to do you know back even as long as like a month ago it was like sleep was like easy beautiful put him down say good night peace and love sleep for a good solid 12 hours and now it's like no sleep waking up early which is it's nice he's stoked on life he loves everything he's in a great mood he wants to do stuff but it's like man it's tough because he should be in bed by like 6 37 and this dude's been staying up till like 10 lately like he just does not go to bed oh and then he gets cranky oh and this is a new thing too he now he doesn't want to take a bath he used to love bath time we got all these crazy beautiful bath toys we got like sharks and bubbles and [ __ ] bubble bath and balls we got this crazy cool new fishing toy where it's got magnets you throw it you bob and you do a magnet and you catch a fish it's [ __ ] amazing and he's got like all of a sudden i guess this is a thing that's common in toddlers is they suddenly get a phobia of the bath specifically which is odd he thinks he always thinks there's poop in the bath he goes poo poop in the bath which i guess is common uh i didn't know that but this is a thing a phenomenon toddlers think there's poop in the bath and they want to get in the bath we go there's the poop there's no poop in the bath look at the water there's no poop you think i would tell you if there was poop we empty it we wash it we fill it up there's no poop and he will not you know he went like four days without a shower because when you try to put him in he just freaks out and so it's been like a constant war because we're like dude i understand but like he starts to stink his hair starts to stink and we're like so he's gotten better we've been giving up we usually we bathe him every day but he was he was so traumatized by this thought that there's poop in the bath he went four days without bathing and then he we're just like dude we gotta so i had to like hold his legs down and either was had like a washcloth and it was a whole [ __ ] spectacle man trying to get this kid to clean he's gotten better though actually he has improved in the past few days so yeah it's it's you learn a lot i mean fear of bathing called abulatophia is very common in toddlers shows up around age one to two it was so weird because he loved bath time and then one day yeah panic that's fascinating and he goes poop poop in the bath poop in the bath no poop in the bath there's no poop it says during these years of rapid brain growth toddlers develop what seems like a hyper awareness of their surroundings their brains are literally lightening lighting up with new information so hey there's no poop in the bath what can i say we hope i pooped in the bath once when i was a kid i was in it with my brother too oh we were bathing together and i took a dump awesome i'm assuming you were like three years a few months ago okay okay so i gotta make it brown that being said obviously you know theodore's amazing he's doing amazing he's doing great i mean he's learning and he's growing so fast he's so curious he loves everything he's got this enthusiasm for life he's just so happy every day he's decided he loves me i go you know i go over there and i do enemies and like he uh he loves dan he does love it he declares his love for me when i show up he says i love you dan yeah it's so cute yeah he does love dan he likes everyone though he really likes away from me he is amicable he really loves people yeah i know he's he's awesome but he loves dan yeah he always goes in and from upstairs yeah dan can't quite enunciate the d but uh yeah he calls me abc he does yeah that's awesome yeah how is he with uh auntie trisha he loves he loves trisha auntie trisha no he's not he loves trisha no he was i was asking how is he towards trump oh i thought you were saying he's a good like antoinette right and you know he started learning to say thank you so he goes thank you when you give him like a bottle or anything you do anything for me he goes thank you what a guy and even says you're welcome too sometimes i think him class act and he by the way he's helpful with chores now it's kind of epic like if i have garbage i go go throw this can you go throw this out for me and i'll walk into the kitchen open the drawer toss it out i'm like oh there you go that's no real reason to have kids right there so it's just a lot of uh chaos at the house right now it's hard to imagine because he's such a sweetheart you know he is no he is a sweetheart yeah i'm i'm highlighting that right right he's not always like that it's just there's moments where it's chaotic i'll just say that you know [Music] that's all i got thank you um that's about it i hope this has been a real off the rails experience i feel like i've we've specifically tried to go off the rails today and you want to keep that theme alive no drama right we save that for other episodes right this is off the rails it's about bodily harm it's about risk of legal action risk of divorce in abe's case we're totally off the rails here yes sir i hope you guys enjoyed and uh we'll see you guys on friday for after dark you know it's coming at you live with evil klein love that [Music] all right guys uh tata i shall see you on friday thank you [Music] you

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 1,147,943

Rating: 4.8890772 out of 5

Keywords: h3 podcast, h3h3 podcast, the h3 podcast, the h3h3 podcast, h3h3productions, h3h3, h3, ethan klein, hila klein, ethan and hila, ethan & hila

Id: JHGs0juAZX4

Length: 103min 43sec (6223 seconds)

Published: Thu May 27 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Saw this when it came out for members. Great episode. Loved the ending when the guys were sharing anecdotes, esp. Ethan talking about Theodore's terrible twos.

That's the meat and bones of podcasting, just shooting the shit, so I hope they do more of that type of stuff going forward.

[u/equinox5005]

This might be one of the funniest episodes they've ever done. I also loved Ethan bothering the Teddy Fresh crew. Reminded me of how Conan messes with his workers

[u/godsandmonsteras]

This was great. I know for the last few weeks, the subreddit has been tired of all the drama talks. This episode feels like exactly what we've been asking for–just casual and shooting the shit.

Also, Ethan's gleeful cackle never fails to make me lose it.

[u/ThatOneGuyfromMN25]

Love’s POV riding on the Gatsby is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

[u/inrainbeaus]

I loooove hearing stories about other people's children. I don't have kids, but I'm in my thirties so most of my friends do and their stories never get old. It's all so foreign and hilarious to me. I laughed myself to tears listening to Ethan talking about Theodore thinking there's poop in the bath. And him calling AB "ABC"... Omg my heart is melting

[u/aReasson]

The Love bot is pretty fucking dope lol

[u/ek695]

I loved Love’s “I was harmed” note when Dan was talking about his grievances haha

[u/shadowassailant]

I feel sad in the beginning when Love didn’t get to eat nuggets with the crew

Edit : every one is talking about the flavors and he’s just staring like 🥺

[u/AZTower]

So the Thursday show is officially called Off The Rails now?