I'm Ashamed To Admit This - Off The Rails #7

two welcome everybody to otr right otr off the rails oh this is warfare now and it's actually true today's episode is about warfare um we have such a fantastic show today and we have no sponsors which means we are officially off the rails accountable to nobody love the passion guys so um welcome to the ryan cavanaugh is running a ponzi scheme podcast accused by his ex partner yeah he's not running a ponzi scheme necessarily he's been accused by his ex-partner of running bingo in as reported in variety well anyway you guys know about that but did you know there's a new nugget of information about cav cav that is so crazy so horrific it will explain everything you need to know about this man ryan kavanagh listen to this memo from deadline now deadline like variety dan and you can correct me because you're you're in the biz i'm in the biz i'm a big shop producer just just like ryan once was not anymore no he's bankrupt yeah he's bankrupt now he bankrupted his production studio but um but yeah no deadlines uh yeah along with variety hollywood reporter deadline those are like the three well it looks like their slogan is breaking hollywood news since 2006 so all the way back in 2006. that's not that it's not that fast they've uh they've had a stellar rise like relativity media once did well i mean but unlike relativity it's still in business well hold on 2006 pretty early for a website let's not poop with that i mean ish yeah so anyway here listen to this map listen to this headline this is from 2018 not that long ago relativity fabricated memo claiming sexual harassment against former co-president adam fields judge awards 8.4 million okay now wait wait till you read the freaking details of this in short there's this guy adam fields who was a president they brought on to relativity to save his his failing bankrupt uh production company and when he decided he didn't want to pay him anymore this i'm paraphrasing the article okay uh the judge said and i'll read her quote or his quote i don't know the gender that ryan kavanaugh forged a document claiming he sexually harassed people so he could fire him without paying him severance are you is that like mental like how like whoa well wow forget this is the ryan kavanagh forged the document claiming his ex-president uh sexually assaulted him or sexually assaulted people so to avoid paying him severance podcasts now this is sick here i'm going to read all this oh here's an update claim to sexual harassment from seven women at relativity against former relativity co-president adams fields have been found the result of a fraudulent memorandum devised according to the arboreting judge terry friedman by relativity ceo ryan cavanaugh himself bro the validity of that memo which claimed that more than a handful of women complained to hr have been the subject have been subjected to sexual harassment by fields was also denied by the managing director of the company an overseer of hr carol jennis who denied ever seeing or authoring that memo so here's the thing he brings in this document first this this is so mental he says i'm gonna fire this guy because he's sexually harassing people you know what's weird is in the termination letter it didn't say anything about um the sexual harassment and then he mad and then he magically produces this letter that was apparently written by this hr person and when the judge asked the hr person did you sign this letter she says no i've never heard of it i don't know anything about what they're talking about weird the validity of them yada here the validity of the memo which claimed that more than a handful in her testimony during a civil suit brought by fields against kavanaugh and relativity she stated that she never heard of any harassment claims and knew nothing of them the memorandum here this one gets great a forensic audit of the computer was conducted and it was found that the memo had been generated by someone who signed it as cav cav who could that be it certainly points to this man wait is it this man or this man they look so similar i think it's him um no no i think it was i think no i think it's the other guy oh that's yeah right yeah yeah that's that's cap cav if if they had a band together those two would probably be called cav cav um probably be called essay oh i mean no take that back ugh it's so awkward well hold on i think we have a claim to call it essay because he's falsified memos about essay he hasn't essayed somebody that we know about but he's falsified memos about essays right so that's that's in the realm dude can you guys believe what a scumbag this frying kavanaugh is like what the record states that two weeks before trial relativity magically discovered another two thousand documents that have previously not produ been produced one of them was this hr memo that was apparently written by genus the hr person who had never heard of it the document was a several page memorandum which purported to document a pattern of egregious misconduct by mr fields none of which strangely was mentioned in his termination letter an attempt to explain why the memorandum had not been produced earlier relatively relativity submitted false declarations from mr kavanaugh mr kavanaugh claimed in his declaration that he was the one to ferret out the location of the memorandum in particular he declared under oath that he suspect suspected that documents had not been produced because it was in a private folder belonging to miss genus who was no longer employed at relativity after being given special access to mrs genius supposed private folders he lied under oath a big lie that's crazy so this guy should be in jail i don't know why you can just lie under oath and just be like cool bye and about something so serious he ruined this guy's life like he could not well he tried well no he for like a year he almost couldn't get work in hollywood oh you read that i read that it was it was hard for him to find any work because he was accused of such a horrible act you know and this this coincided with the harvey weinstein stuff right in the midst of me too so ryan kavanagh is a man willing to weaponize me to an essay such a serious topic literally just to save him money from from having to pay this guy his contractual severance i mean there is not a bigger scumbag on this planet than ryan kavanaugh also he's quite dumb too if i can say that he's he's actually quite dumb he said last edited cav cav like the judge is like you are an idiot and you trust this guy to run trailer i mean no wonder trailer's going bankrupt [Music] yo trailer no wonder their thing is flipped yeah yeah he wanted to ruin this guy just to save just to save a few a few bucks that's crazy i mean basically falsely accusing someone of me too stuff is basically like false r word accusations which is like just the most horrible thing you can do it's crazy man so disturbing this guy wanted to come on our show by the way kavkev uh field says in bankruptcy crediting uh creditor document at the first sight of this memo he knew it was fake that's the hr person jen or no janice the hr person was then brought in to an evidentiary hearing to testify and was asked about the memo which claimed that three unnamed female employees said that fields had inappropriately propositioned them or touched them that one of those unnamed female employees said fields suggested that he couldn't he that he could further her career she said she thought it meant in exchange for sex and two other unnamed female employees then led to the internal investigation to two more females also in name seven and all so kavanaugh has has imagined a story where this guy is propositioning people for sexual favors in turn for furthering their career these allegations in a filing on may 29th states these allegations were all fabrications seemingly ripped from the headlines of then recent harvey weinstein scandal crazy you're a lion dog face pony soldier asked if there were three confirmed incidents of harassment of female employees by fields the hr lady said absolutely not there were no female employees that i was ever aware of asked whether a female employee talked about his ability to increase her career path which she understood in exchange for sex jenna said i no i am sorry i never heard that and it's unbelievable and then she the hr woman went further to say i have to say i take sexual harassment extremely seriously and the fact that all this is attributed to me is very offensive to me honestly it is very offensive to me that this is stated here when it did not occur in fact she said she was out sick the day the memo was supposedly written by her here's when it gets great the judge wrote and i quote let me zoom in i quote the judge in conclusion the evidence was overwhelming and undeniable that relativity falsified the genus memorandum first the metadata the metadata refuted all of relativity's theories linking the memorandum to genus and established that it was last modified on october 15th by cav cav which must be kavanaugh in fact the metadata revealed that the hot issue folder where kavanaugh said he found the memorandum contain other documents that suspiciously indicated someone was modifying documents in the folder after janus left relativity second jenna's credibility credibility credit credit credibly credibility credibly testified that she did not write or edit this it's credibility well it doesn't make jenna's credibility testified oh crap but that's the tense doesn't make sense uh i i i'm assuming it's a a type of testimony to as to the credibility of somebody second jenna's credibility testified let's move on her critique of the memorandum style and format rang true for a lawyer with prior large firm experience the most peculiar aspect of the memorandum was its repeated reference to kavanaugh as co-ceo why would she add that reference in a memo to her own file he's writing he's he's stroking his own ego in this falsified document do you understand how psychotic that is it would be silly for her to do so she said finally or that was what the judge said finally had jen has been aware of sexual harassment allegations against field she surely would have included that in fields termination letter by falsify by falsifying the document to manufacture evidence that it had caused to terminate fields relativity admitted that it otherwise lacked cause the most appropriate sanction for such outrageous conduct is in an an issue sanction confirming what the falsification revealed namely that the relativity terminated fields without cause so anyway he won 8.4 million dollars and so now you start to understand why this [ __ ] went bankrupt wow oh you're right though i mean i'm trying to pull that and thinking that i mean it it sounds like it really didn't take some serious detective work to uncover that basic forensics yeah also well also the hr lady was like i didn't write that right but the damage was done to the guy's reputation like you said a.b right that's crazy you know oh let me read their statement because they get mad when i don't so here's what they had to say here's what kavanaugh had to say had fields won anything but a single count of breach of contract against relativity where an npo would have been more costly than anything fields may yet be paid relativity would have appealed i don't know what that means that's all you have to say it means they're saying it wasn't worth it for them to appeal they're saying we're not appealing and the reason we're not appealing is because it's just cheaper for us to just pay them off okay so i find it interesting that in their statement they do not address the claim by the judge that ryan kavanaugh falsified a fake me too document for a fake cause to fire someone that is [ __ ] bottom barrel [ __ ] shame on you you are you which one's him is this him it's the other guy that's ryan cavanaugh shame on you you piece of [ __ ] scumbag dog [ __ ] of the earth who does that you ma you sir are sick unforgivable sick go ahead thank you i honestly it's one of the worst things i've ever heard it's one of the worst things a human can do especially during that me too [ __ ] i i i'm blowing blown away blown away your weapon i yeah he's weaponizing it it's horrible blown away well also it trivializes the real accounts exactly because this guy's like oh he it shows he doesn't really care because he's like oh look at all these valid claims i can just sneak one in but when you start faking [ __ ] then everybody questions the the the validity of all the other [ __ ] like you're muddying the water dude you are he must be a sociopath i'm looking through the uh the comments on this article which all the comments are from 2018 when the article was published and it seems like you know within the industry it was pretty well known that this guy was a giant piece of [ __ ] because it's just everybody just piling on oh well here's one that says i don't i'm totally team kavanaugh and this judge is an idiot written by a cav cat here's one ryan kevin this is anonymous ryan cavanaugh is unhinged unfeeling predatory psychopath for doing this shame on him for hijacking the me too movement and spitting in the face of every woman who has ever experienced sexual harassment and or abuse and he and by the way he's still out there on twitter on instagram acting like he's the new dana white acting like trailers all good he's tagging uh tick tock stars people need to tell he's tagging tick-tock stars and being like back me up on this ethan guy people need to know that this is the this is who he is what kavanaugh did to adam fields was egregious and cannot be allowed in civil society he should be prosecuted for defrauding and defaming fields in order to avoid his responsibilities this must not be ignored by the media otherwise we will send the wrong message to our society that this type of behavior is tolerated weaponizing the metoo movement in this way hurts a lot of innocent people as we can see here this ends me too exactly like i i'm genuinely serious that this guy is trying he's trying to reinvent himself he should never live this down ever you know anyone that associates with him should know what the [ __ ] this guy does it is crazy that he didn't get in bigger trouble but i mean i guess it's just a matter of the d.a not having the time or resources to go after something like this yeah there's fraud oh yeah it's clearly fraud oh yeah totally yeah that's not fraud oh it's not and it's called false advertising thank you jabril and by the way i'm not a lawyer and in no way is that a statement of fact i'm just i'm just some dude on a podcast but in my in the opinion of some dude on a podcast that's fraud yeah and so he's out there trying to raise money for triller but the the thing that really bothers me is that people don't know about this for some reason this really went under the rug and like again everybody who's rubbing shoulders with him needs to know that this guy basically single-handedly killed the metoo movement [ __ ] unbelievable and dumb just dumb anyway i i was shocked i don't know if you guys found that interesting i was absolutely shocked by that yeah i mean that is top tier [ __ ] i mean just the the level of buffoonery and like you know trying to pull that off and just immediately getting caught is so embarrassing like how do you even show your face after that oh one other thing before we move on um you know you know how they updated it on on the app store to say that on ios yeah yeah they removed kevin hart which is good because they listen to our feedback but i actually have more feedback for you guys because you didn't actually update the the androids the android store so i have more feedback for you guys because here it says kevin [ __ ] heart who doesn't even have an account on your website you are a liar sir and this may be fraud but i'm not a lawyer to make that determination uh so awesome so this is the man that's suing me they even have a typo in their [ __ ] they have a typo here charlie d slash apostrophe emilio dude this is the man who's trying to go public and raise money he can't even do a [ __ ] app description without typos in it here the weekend doesn't the weeknd he doesn't spell like that it's like you know okay okay i stand corrected i thought it was just the weekend yeah so kevin hart is not on the app and that's why i'm gonna be giving it a one star uh from you know my second phone i have a second phone let me give it a one star because this but like they have a 3.5 here so that's pretty interesting oh it's so awkward slow cheap chopped cheap tick tock clone one of the worst apps i've ever used laggy clunky yep sounds about right wait what was that last one throw it back down let's go back down to the last one oh [ __ ] also i hear bad things about the owner ryan cavanaugh i just heard a lot of bad things about him like how he's been accused by his ex partner of running a ponzi scheme you know now that we've what we just learned that's not even that's even close to the worst thing i know about it's really not i would say if i were to rewrite this review i would say ryan kavanagh falsified me to documents and what's interesting about that one is that's not an allegation that's actually been proven in court that's what the judge said right like i was reading what the judge said verbatim and their response didn't even refute it which is what's interesting they were like it's not worth it too they're like yeah you got us you know also is trigger happy when it comes to suing people which is just bad business and a bad look yep i couldn't agree more couldn't agree more oh this one has 126 likes so people thought that was useful yeah if i were to re if i were to write a review today i would probably mention something about him falsifying uh fake uh sexual assault documents and using me too to further uh his financial interests pretty scummy look at this and tell me there's no such thing as a coincidence you what am i looking at here this is yeah exactly half ryan kavanagh half harvey weinstein and you tell me they do not look freaking like brothers there's no such thing as a coincidence are you kidding me you guys tell me they don't look like brothers hello someone want to back me up dan you you're the one that's saying he doesn't look like him um yeah i still don't see it it looks like the same person aged a couple years uh it's [ __ ] uncanny you don't see it how do you not see that dan that's like dude it's [ __ ] uncanny it's uncanny it's uncanny and well here let me further the agenda even a little bit more so he says he doesn't know he doesn't associate with harvey weinstein well then why are you kissing his head sir that's ryan cavanaugh kissing harvey weinstein we love you daddy this is him kissing his head and then plotting to use his allegations as weapons against people in his own firm thank you daddy now i can fire my president here he is daddy wow look at him who's that on his left [Music] who's this is that his dad or that's harvey weinstein oh oh harvey yeah no that's not his dad not his dad wake up they look like they could be family spot harvey weinstein and spot ryan kavanagh go here's the game i uh can't tell the difference i think this is ryan yeah i think that's right just because the hair on red hair yeah yeah so okay that's my spiel for today i thought you guys would find that interesting you know this is what i'm up against a man who will do anything anything suing evil but anyway you know guys i've been going vegan i'm vegan this whole week vegan soft clap not not enthusiastic i can't applause so the guys thought it would be fun to put together a vegan taste test for me they're vegan do you want to acknowledge that you did this once before and then made like a big deal about it on the show and then like a week later you stopped being vegan sure acknowledged no why did i go vegan the last time i went vegan i was i'll be honest i didn't do it very good like i was just i was like you can eat whatever you want when you're vegan and i was just like charging like cereal and almond milk like huge bowls of cereal every night and i was just like going i was going crazy because i was vegan what's wrong and um i didn't lose any weight but my problem is like i'm just so sick of this food battle like this daily defeat that i feel i'm just i'm so sick of just hating my body and how i look and thank you yes and so i said you know what i don't want to die of heart disease i don't want to die from being obese and all the health problems and but most of all it's like every day i just feel defeated like damn why can't i lose weight so i thought you know what man i'm just i'm gonna go vegan and i feel like it's gonna last this time also i love animals let's be honest i don't like the cruelty that happens to animals i don't like like when i see factories of of pigs and cows and stuff and these are beautiful creatures that i love and so i love it it's it's it is there's always been a sense of uh hypocrisy within myself where i'm like damn i absolutely hate how animals were farmed but i'm not having the willpower to do anything about it so like i like the whole vegan thing is great it's great for everything it's great for your health it's great for the earth it's great for the animals um jordan peterson disagrees right here goes the opposite direction only me yeah well we'll see if i have a sip of apple cider if i have an absolute [ __ ] meltdown for a year somehow i think that uh i'll be fine taking a sip of apple cider on the vegan diet right or maybe it's the inverse if you're vegan for a while and then you have like a little nibble of a steak or something you'll be overcome with an impending sense of doom we'll find out well according to olivia she was fine because she was vegan yeah she was vegan she had a bit of chicken she liked it actually she actually enjoyed it so okay so i guess it's just the benzo addiction dude dude an almighty diet is one is like on par with uh i wouldn't say on par but it's like with falsifying a metoo document to fire your president just in that and that it's an extreme place to go you know ian are you just leaving the camera on me for some reason all right so let's get the vegan food out here so here now eli can't get mad at me because we're eating healthy food vegan food yeah i don't know if it works vegan food is healthy food everybody knows that right before we took the break you were just explaining how last time you did the vegan thing and you weren't eating i was eating too much but it's all healthy by definition you can't get mad at me look at this this i'm really excited to try because this is going to be one food i really miss is pizza yeah so that pizza is from a place called cruiser's pizza in hollywood and the one you have is a pineapple vegan pizza dude you guys really knew how to do it this is pineapple and all of like hello who did that i mean god loves we know you we know your preferences appreciate that this is what uh chicken wings i believe yeah uh so there's some hot chicken wings and that comes from a place called dummies also in hollywood uh also the shrimp po boy and the chili cheese fries and the mac and cheese are all from uh that same place called dummies wow yes sir wow and then finally waffle and fried chicken yep that's from a place called crossroads kitchen on melrose and yeah the chicken and waffles is from there and i believe it's fried chicken yeah and it's wednesday baby it is wednesday it's wednesday you're gonna have chicken wings you know there is really no such thing as a coincidence when it comes down to it so true all right well the first thing i want to try you guys all have the food right uh we have the pizza and the mac and cheese let me try the pizza right now sure this is a big one for me like if they can figure this out [Music] hmm interesting most vegan pizza up the cheese is weird this is pretty good this is like pretty spot on i'll be honest the flavors are there the bread is delicious the sauce is delicious the cheese is a little [ __ ] a little gummy okay like how do they make this cheese i think it's confused uh most of it's made with cashews i'm sorry a little [ __ ] yeah a little cup a little [ __ ] is what you said yeah you know what i mean [Laughter] i got it now smell it too it smells a little [ __ ] smells a little not sure how semen is i'm not getting that i'm afraid but i would happily eat this i would happily eat a whole pie i'm not i'm not 100 on the cheese like i'm just not sure on the cheese right now that's fair it was good until you said a little [ __ ] now i just threw me off dude doesn't bother me [Laughter] the texture is so weird it is [ __ ] though right no as you say yes yes yeah people like semen i'm guessing you all had a lot of [ __ ] in your mouth today i'm gonna come zach ian anyone else want to give their review it's not bad i mean it's kind of not bad i mean not bad it's a vegan pizza i've had a long i've had a long running debate with my friends let me get your guys opinion on this not bad pretty good is there a why that's a seinfeld joke what that's a seinfeld joke oh well i'm not aware of that way to be original dan i'm kidding i'm not even telling them a joke i'm trying to say is there a wide berth between not bad and pretty good right or are those equivalents pretty good is better than not bad you think it's you think it's a tier above definitely i i agree but i've had a lot of pushback on that yeah it depends how you say it you could say you say not bad right that means you like it or you could say like it's pretty good right you don't like it in the inverse you could be like it's not bad bad that's bad right on the timbre of your voice or rather wait i messed that up i meant it's pretty good exactly like it's pretty good well the way dan said it that's my reaction see that doesn't sound that good but okay what if you say it at the same kind of place so you say it's pretty good it's not bad right if you just neutral tone then then you're kind of in the same zone see it's pretty good it's been argued to me is that there's not bad there actually there's a transitive property there that they're actually equivalents because it does seem like it's a lot in the tone it's a lot and then it's all in the tone it's all in the tone it's actually all in the tone yeah not bad now pretty good what if you're describing a person i think it works for everything right yeah it's all about the tone i think you're right yeah but could that could you say the same for anything let's say it was bad um doesn't work it was good we like that but then that like inflection in your voice sounds like it wasn't that great like ah it was good you know usually when you go high pitched when you add that you think i'm being sarcastic let's try the um so you guys don't have anything else we have the mac and cheese come grab some of these here i'm going to try the wing try that one real interesting they've got a bone a stick in it oh to simulate the bone right um kill him shredder [ __ ] fried chicken what do you think initial reaction is it replacing a a chicken wing i don't think anyone's gonna buy it no is it good yeah it's pretty good not bad pretty good chicken wednesday baby let's see give it a shot give one of these a shot right now no i like it though i would actually like to try one of those too what the [ __ ] wait yo that's good that one's good yeah it's tasty it's not bad what is that what is the there's better than not bad what is that pretty good the meat in it it's just soy boy soy bite it's just soy it's interesting but it's kind of like there's like a tuna texture inside it's gone see this is [ __ ] to me that's not common everything can't be [ __ ] this is why is everything coming i'm not i don't think it's coming no but ethan does have this unique ability to describe food in a way in which it makes me completely rethink it now i taste tuna it was good it's calming tuna tune on a stick with barbecue sauce the texture is not great because it's like chopped meat like tuna i don't know what the [ __ ] you guys are talking about okay tuna in there you've been vegan for too long well i'm not vegan but it's true i haven't had chicken right over here how do we rate this not good or pretty good or not bad i'm gonna add a damn in there that one was pretty damn good damn that one was pretty damn good not bad i'll give it not bad wow and the pizza is pretty good damn damn all right let's try this mac and cheese this one is a tall order mac and cheese is dairy world we're talking butter creams cheese how can you possibly emulate the experience of eating mac and cheese vegan like especially seeing what the kumi cheese on the pizza experience was because they're using almonds like i'm sorry no but it's it's got this gooey kind of texture looking at it like this nope nope that's bad i i'm gonna reveal something right now that i know people are going to get mad at me for not good but i can't judge this one because i do not like mac and cheese get the [ __ ] out of here dan i don't like mac i'm not a crazy i'm not crazy about mac and cheese to be honest oh really wait dude everybody gets so mad when i say that i don't like pasta yeah oh well i i never mind we don't we don't stand together it's an american staple it's like baseball yeah like all americans well okay we'll try it i think i tried it i mean it's okay like i don't know i just don't like mac and cheese so i can't really do it i can still tell the difference i mean what kind of i mean it tastes pretty mac and cheesy to me which i don't like so it tastes like almond nut what about mac and cheese do you not like uh i don't i don't i don't like uh velveeta or like fake cheese when people make like a really good mac with like actual cheese and [ __ ] oh they're having a little moment back there behind yeah they're having a little fika moment yeah i guess i won't completely dismiss all mac and cheeses you know you can have like a gourmet mac but uh like the blue box [ __ ] or like mac and cheese with velveeta i just don't like velveeta like velveeta is just [ __ ] you don't make all mac and cheese with velveeta i would never i was acknowledging that yes all right does anyone is there something that's not a hater dan the hater think that um this is good in any way it's i like it i'm not a fan of it really i like it i'll tell you what's making me sick is that fake chicken that's that's not sitting right with me what the [ __ ] that was the best one so there's something about it it's not sitting right i it's i don't think the vegans have figured out cheese i don't think they should try just don't try they've got they've done a pretty good job figuring out meat and stuff right but the cheese is a work in progress people it's too gummy all right this po boy here i'm going to take a bite and then i'll pass it off to you guys now i don't like shrimp i'll just put that out there so i'm not sure how this is going to translate absolutely flavorless okay we're off to a good start look at this thing it looks great ain't nothing poe about this boy yo got him how's that for a sandwich i'd skip it it's a skip i don't like it that's a big ass second bite for something you're skipping that flies on camera man i think it's honestly not bad i'm being a little harsh on it i think it's been sitting out a little bit because there was a gathering process i think if i got that fresh i'd be very happy with it dude that fly you want to show them your your bug assault well i think we've shown it yeah yeah dan shot me with it last time on camera uh did i but now i have it i'm playing when you shoot she did you scared me too much i'm playing go ahead zach any time there's a fly dennis grab running around this assault weapon i'm like dude it's not just me it's become a it's become a blood sport here in the office i think uh ian has the highest body count by far actually what's your kill death ratio uh well infinite because i have not died to a fly not yet it i don't use it no more because it almost ruined mine and zach's friendship so i just i don't use it well the [ __ ] almost shot out my eye you shot at his face that's why no i it ricocheted it ricocheted but it's enough to piss him off so he got big man dan river it really hurt like i i it was like i apologize it's different if i aimed it at you it wasn't it wasn't just the salt it was like the impact of it like it ricocheted off the like toys i understand but it's a complete accident it could have just easily happened to me okay it's an accident but it's still it's still hurt well it wasn't like hot when you were behind you i was like no you were i definitely wasn't i said i'm sorry you could give less of a [ __ ] i said no at the end of the day never mind compassionate not a compassionate person hey speaking of zach being mad didn't you have something you wanted to share with uh ethan oh yeah um you know you called me out on the last taste test for like eating the food before yeah and before we started running oh here we [ __ ] go i dare you therefore no no go ahead i'm just saying [ __ ] say what you have to say this is this is you tried the food before man it was a french fry i don't care i've never had it i'm testing vegan food i got a backup zac on this it was just he had to say what he had a single nugget he had one damn nothing what's the whole test you read sitting there eating the whole [ __ ] thing and you're like it's french fries it doesn't matter i've eaten french fries french fries aren't vegan okay this doesn't matter if you're eating a nugget that's the whole test well that is that is true okay but how can you even make a computer this is a better a b you back them up on that you know backwards yeah you know go ahead go ahead you've presented a good point [ __ ] in the food type the nugget was the heart of the world but the betrayal but okay this is not just nuggets this is an array of things the french fries are part of the i'm not reviewing the french fries dude french fries are not vegan part of whatever is on there chili cheese fries that's the review i was eating plain fruit those aren't oh there was plain fries with the wings that i was eating i'm still calling [ __ ] okay well okay anyone want to back zach up upon the revelation of this new information i'm not it wasn't the chili cheese fries here oh my god okay the fact you still were i was with you with food i was before but it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't the food that he was eating isn't the target of the taste test it doesn't matter yes it does i feel like it does actually matter a lot doesn't matter you're still eating before therefore your palate is not cleansed oh that's the issue a cleansed palette yes you're moving the goalpost this is some [ __ ] man and i get yelled at so i'm calling you out okay well everybody's against you fine they usually are i'm still holding my ground you want to talk about it did i upset you last week when i called you out no it's all in good fun but i just wanted to you know point it out like here would be comparable if i started eating the pizza then i would say yes i would say you know what you caught me yep it's a good argument i'm still calling [ __ ] i love you but i'm still calling you really okay let me let me set a different situation if there was a bowl of pretzels here and i started eating the pretzels would you be mad about that well what was is the pretzels part of the taste test are we still doing them the french fries aren't part of the taste test hold on wait are the pretzels part of the taste test no this is just a bowl just a bowl so we're doing the vegan taste test and you just have pretzels yeah then no but considering that the french fries are part they're not taste from the restaurant they're not they're from the restaurant they are therefore similar flavors the chili cheese fries are part of the taste test the french fries was a side a plain side of french fries that came with the buffalo wings that i ate okay but not partial chili cheese fries and french fries are basically the same thing therefore you were dipping and trying the meal basically the same thing is a big [ __ ] difference when the whole point is the chili and cheese which is um this is the whole vegan experiment it's still fries oh my god it's still prized ian back me up good ian what are you gonna say look to give zach a little something because he's out on the line a little bit you be honest though ian well mainly i have my headphones on i don't like hearing you wolfing down the front like you were going to town during the break okay but that's not what's at debate here we're not debating it by what i'm about for example when you get like sushi or something you have a bunch of different rolls you usually hit the ginger right to kind of cleanse a little bit yeah pellet cleanse this is a variety of things you were like vacuuming those fries the fact that i'm vacuuming fries has nothing to do with the vegan challenge it's from the same rest take off your headphones ian who's forcing you to listen to that it's always working dude yeah right yeah i'm just brother it's uh you know it throws a little wrench i don't know if i can believe your reviews now okay all right just the backpack it doesn't make any was i eating any of this before we started zach made me look at him while i'm not accusing you of that you did last time yeah because you did you did it too i oh my god zach yeah okay i will i will end this yeah i'm sorry zack you know i love you i'm going out of town tomorrow i'm going to miss you zach but the chicken segment the whole thing was about how popeyes was claiming that this was the revolutionary nugget that was going to change the world and that we were going to try it and see if this was a the nugget of all nuggets how do we know these are real french fries they could be vegan hold on hold on what are you talking about i don't know what vegan or no it is i don't know it's a potato zack that's not vegan it's not the same okay oh boy potatoes not vegan you want to explain that one no let's just let's let's end this let's end this right there all right let's move on yeah i love you thank you i love you i was very passionate all right let's move on to the uh the heated chili cheese fries yup if that's okay with you hey man i'm holding my [ __ ] tongue right now all right here we go again i don't think the cheese is there i don't think i don't know about all this i don't like it it's not bad here you want to pass this around we i just had one oh you have one mm-hmm yeah unfortunately it's salty well i mean chili cheese fries are usually pretty [ __ ] salty that's not too out of the ordinary i mean i think it's too salty uh okay i think it was pretty good you all you guys all got a taste i meant more of this pizza yes so far the pizza is my favorite i'll be honest by far which is pretty cool for me because you know how i feel about pizza your pizza boy your big old pizza boy since you said come i'm just like what are you yeah vegan cheese has just come home there's just a [ __ ] factory of men just viewing on these items that in the mix of the and it's not even accurate not only is it gross but it's just inaccurate it's deadly accurate what's it made out of what cashews nut how do you guys know how extra or not i rest my case he got you there man you got me so good right there i'm gonna come there you go all right now we got the chicken and waffles here we go are these real waffles or what's a vegan waffle [Music] there's syrup what is the other one i'm not super familiar with chicken and waffle culture uh i'll just butter ew oh my god i just dipped in butter it's not garlic well it's not butter butter is not vegan fried chicken oh that's impressive it tastes just like butter oh is that [ __ ] or no enough with the gummy jesus do not come hmm yeah i know uh chicken waffles it was like a thing in the south for a long time it it kind of want to try this you guys got ian has one ian what do you think this is probably my favorite favorite one i think the chick the fried chicken is really good oh it's like 100 there nice [ __ ] fried chicken chicken of all the the fake meats chicken is the one that they've perfected the most like i i've had lots of people try various fake chickens that that eat meat and be like i cannot tell the difference between this and regular chicken yeah that's not there for for pork it's it's still a ways off why would you even try well some people like pork obviously but no i think yeah the fried chicken if you're in the fried chicken that that hits nice one compliment i will give is the beyond burger now that that's pretty close yeah the beyond burgers are are pretty good yeah pretty pretty they've just perfected ground beef like specifically hamburgers right right and yeah the beyond burger is great oh there's a dessert yes yes sir that is a brownie sundae oh my goodness here come come get a shot of this a brownie sundae now this is all dairy right this is all three yeah eggs cream cream eggs chocolate it's all there butter maybe he's getting lost this is a uh what is this a fudge sunday brownie sunday it says yum and that is from the same place as the chicken and waffles so i think that might just be your favorite place out of these three oh so there's a strong flavor of coconut cream okay i gotta make brown which i just really happen to like that but it tastes like coconut ice cream you know yeah i guess yeah that makes sense instead of using flavors there for nail bear i don't know what this is would you give it a pretty good is it blueberry yes that is a blueberry it's like a candied blueberry hmm moving on to the fudge moving on to the fudge i'm a mother freaking blueberry yo not good it's hard but it melts in your mouth get some of that ice cream on there wow all right well crossroads kitchen seems to be the winner this dessert slap damn so if you're already if you're in la or visiting and uh you want some vegan food crossroads kitchen on melrose is the place to go and by the way these are like candied blueberries they're like nice mmm it tastes like it was like soaked in like a simple syrup or something nice oh now i'm a strawberry you slam that whole thing no anyway in summary the desserts are banging bro i love that coconut cream sure the cheese is coming everybody agrees except for me everybody but dan thinks that the the cheese is coming i'm going to come but you do agree dan um come no yeah everyone thinks you might be a little sucks because you go i don't know what you're talking about everyone's like it's definitely coming come it's just what does that even mean oh what does it come i mean yeah come comey it's like gooey it looks [ __ ] it it acts [ __ ] it's nutty it's come actually nutty it's it's just i'm just kidding because i know it's made of almond kami is a state of it's it's more state of my experience okay semen is a good idea yeah well some people think drinking semen is a good idea absolutely sussy so anyway we have a discussion topic we want to do today about cringe stories i know we've done kind of something similar but uh because they're always so much fun we can never forget abe's donkey kong story that we have to keep sharing so um let's do it who wants to go first with cringe story why don't you uh lead us off this one is really okay so this story that i'm about to share i have never shared with anybody it's something it's one of those memories where you'll just stop and remember it somewhere where you are and just cringe hard and you're like why why am i me i wish i could be someone else right now and the thing is i don't know if the story's going to resonate with you guys at home as hard as it hit me but just know as i'm telling this if it misses that this is one of the most painful memories hurtful memories i have wow okay exciting so let's say in high school i was um i wasn't like a cool kid but you got you guys it may surprise you to know but i was very fit in high school i played waterfowl waterfollow it doesn't surprise me because you bring it up a lot right right i like to relive those moments i need to set the stage here dan did i mention i'm vegan today so i there was a moment in high school where i was very desirable okay there's this one girl at school she was straight up like the hottest girl at school that all the dudes wanted you know there's like one or two or three girls who was like she's the she's the hottest girl at school gnarlier the better thank you and funnily enough she has the same exact last name as me with like some variation so we were always next to each other in the yearbook so anyway we're sitting next to each other at graduation and we really hit it off we were joking and flirting and i felt like you know we were we really uh made a connection and we exchanged contact information and we started hanging out and chatting and calling and i was like wow like you know this girl's really cool and smart and like i actually you know there was like a little romance for me let the conversation and i was like wow this is crazy like i'm actually forming some kind of romance with this girl um so one thing led to another i took her out on a date i was i did like a super tryhard day too like i took her to the beach i found out like her favorite cake and got that and stuff and like i was like super try hard mode bought her a cake a sl i found it she she's like obsessed with this one dessert so i got the like a slice of it okay i didn't bring the whole [ __ ] cake no that's that sounds like something i would do today not back then yeah she she like liked tiramisu i found out so i went to like a nice italian restaurant and got a slice of cake first to share the beach not a bad move thank you i was trying like i said i was trying really hard and um you know we had good dates we went to the movies anyway so things are progressing and then i was just trying so hard right so uh yada yada we come back to my house one day i live with my parents by the way so that's already awkward enough because this was like free uh college so we go up to my room things are going one way we start making out i was like okay and dude i don't know what i don't know why but i felt like i'm gonna i was doing everything right and i wanted to like just blow her mind at what a good kisser i was and i start and i don't know why i've never done this since and i've never did it before i was started like licking her of like lips a lot when we were making out and then and then i was trying to be like really sensual or something okay like the outside of her lips yeah like with her mouth closed no we were making out but i was doing like it's hard to say it's too painful yeah i was licking her lips a lot okay and so she stops me and she says oh so are you like the licking guy like that's your move and i was so embarrassed brutal i was so [ __ ] embarrassed i didn't even say anything to defend myself i was like oh my god what have i done and i feel like there was a way for me to recover but i just was so embarrassed i couldn't i just like so you were at your house did you just leave after that so so anyway i was super embarrassed we kept hanging out a little bit longer then she she the night like um ended she went home and we never talked again that was it yeah we never talked again that was the end of my romantic connection with her that's brutal and that felt so bad because i obviously maybe the tiramisu wasn't good maybe i had nothing to do with the lip licking it was the licking maybe you wanted to lick the tiramisu off her lips you know get around the mouth so wait what i'm sorry she said are you the licking guy or a looking guy she said like oh so you're the licking guy so did you have a reputation for like no i think she was just trying to make a joke okay i think she was trying to acknowledge that like she hated it right and maybe trying to make a joke out of it and trying to get me to stop yes one of the things they do is called enolicki and i was just so gutted because i had done everything right i really liked her i was trying so hard and everything had culminated this moment was like wow we have this romantic moment we're making out and i just i don't know why i did this and it was and i i just wanted to die i just wanted to die and she went home and we never [ __ ] talked again and i haven't talked to her since and no leaking brutal that's a good one damn dude i i think back on that moment still to this day and and wince yeah wow we appreciate your courage that wasn't i'm sure that wasn't easy to share the licking guy i mean that still resonates in my head today just shut down while having that first special moment together it was so i was such a bad kisser that she we never talked again and everything else was right what grade were you in yeah that was after graduation before college okay okay so i was like pretty well you know i was probably like 18 19 maybe i was like a grown-up i mean quote-unquote sure it's always an interesting summer after yeah [ __ ] goes down that summer boy oh yeah you know damn so embarrassing and my friends were always like what happened like you guys were really hitting it off because it was kind of like a thing because she was like the popular girl yeah they're like what happened you guys were really hanging off i was like i don't talk about it dude i just avoided it i never thought i could ever tell it is this the first time you told anybody yeah yeah oh my god it's the first time i've ever uttered those words out into the world wow brutal that is wild and i don't know if she wanted me to follow up on her i got the feeling she didn't and i was so embarrassed anyway that i felt like i had to i had to exit the whole situation yeah you should have just turned it on her it's been like man your lips really dry i was just trying to help you out help you out there there was no there was every all the air was sucked out of my sail like i've never been so speechless and embarrassed and it's not her fault it's totally my fault and like i could have i could have saved this the moment if i would have said something but i didn't even acknowledge it i just stopped you were putting on a pedestal uh yeah i don't know something sort of similar happened to me once uh i don't even know the mechanics of how it happened but same thing it was like the most popular girl in school this is like around time we got to college and we were kissing or something and i can't even like figure out in my head how it happened but somehow i had my arms around her and i i thought i was kissing her and i accidentally kissed my own [ __ ] arm did she notice yeah she would not [ __ ] stop laughing wait was she was laughing at you so that's not that bad it wasn't that bad it was so [ __ ] it was such a central kiss on my own oh it's like a sensual kiss you were so in the moment you didn't realize wait wait okay so hold on you had your arm around her and you guys were making out yeah was it dark like how do you how did you make that mistake either it was dark or my eyes were closed and you missed her head and then made out with your arm like you didn't know the difference between your lips and your arms and then so what how did you react to that she said did you just get you that's good that's a good one and i go no i go no no i'm like i didn't know what to do i was like yeah i thought it was you and she just died laughing oh my god but that seems like salvageable if she's laughing like art my moment was like dead silence end of relationship right yeah mine was dead silence i don't know if she was joking or what but like there was just dead silence i don't know there was music in the background so what happened did you guys was that did that kill the relationship or no i think so i think something else came up like my roommate came home or something and so because i remember telling her like don't tell him about the arm [Laughter] she for sure told people don't tell him about the arm like you really didn't want people to know about it i think it's funny i don't think i've even told lena that story i'll just give you a big fat kiss that's like out of a movie man that's pretty amazing if that was in a movie i wouldn't believe it i'd like to kiss his arm instead of the girl oh i have another good one i'll share since we're on the topic of awkward hookups college first year i was really vibing with this girl went back to the dorm to like just hang out and watch stuff i had a roommate we shared a room on opposite sides but he had the tv so we just said we're gonna just sit on his bed and watch tv but he's not there so we start like we're not like doing it but we're like making out it's like one thing leads to another we start making out and we don't think like oh let's let's move to the other bed like i know he wouldn't mind us sitting on his bed and watching tv but the lights are off and we start making out and touch you feely and stuff and then i thought he was like gone and then he busts open the door and he's got a big 12 pack of like orange sodas or something and he's all excited he goes yo ethan i've got sodas and then he sees us in his bed and then without saying anything just walk down so that was pretty bad too oh that's a homie right there though yeah that's a real one yeah yeah yeah no he was i'd been like get the [ __ ] out of my room he was a homie he was at home man but i think he just didn't know what to do he was just shocked to see and like i was like oh my god dude and i don't even here's the thing i don't even know if she knew that that was his bed you were like damn i got this bomb ass flat screen in my room trying to play it off like is yours that's funny all everything we had in college was super ghetto it was like an ancient [ __ ] box crt baby yeah that that just reminded me of that that was a good one [Laughter] [Music] we joked about that all high school oh my god stop playing the yoko yes i don't need to hear that anymore jesus she's the worst we joked about that all throughout college i've got sodas [Laughter] that's a good one that's a good one too all right so i got that off my chest yeah well i i mean i had a i have a cringe story it's not uh it's not making out related uh so it's a little bit of a departure but um this was in high school as well i believe it was the summer between my freshman year and my sophomore year uh so after the first year of high school i had flunked uh biology and so i needed to retake it you're you were a bad student that's supposed to oh big time really yeah i just never ever did homework or paid attention or i was very were you would you jelly is there friction with your parents about that uh not as much as there probably should have been interesting they just they weren't very strict i mean i not to say that they well as this story relates to that so um yeah i i flunked uh biology in ninth grade mostly for a lack of caring and trying and so i needed to retake it in summer school i had never taken summer school before uh i don't think they did it in middle school um so this was like the first time for me in summer in the marvel universe [Laughter] and so the first time for me in the marvel universe so i show up on the first day and the way it worked is like you you go into class and uh and they register i think because a lot of people they sign up for summer school but then they don't show up so you're officially registered after you like sign in that first day and so i'm in there for like the first period of it i believe the summer school class was like they're long they were like four hours long or something wow so i stayed for like the first two hours of it and then it went on like lunch break or whatever and i walked directly over to the music department because i was involved in band and all that kind of stuff and i was like i'm not taking biology i'm just gonna i'm just gonna take this music class instead um it doesn't work that way right well no of course not uh i mean i still got i would get credit for the music class but i obviously would not get credit for biology which is why you were there i made an executive decision that i was not going to be spending my summer learning biology fair enough um but i had to go to summer school so for the entirety of the summer my parents thought i was leaving every day to go take biology and i would just go to school and go to the band room and that's pretty ballsy playing music and so i had this teacher uh that was our music teacher he was really cool uh you know typical like cool guy band teacher you know what i mean very relaxed with the rules and everything and so i think he was vaguely aware of the fact that i wasn't supposed to be taking his class really i think he was like kind of vaguely aware of it but you know probably didn't like fully understand what was going on there so he just let me stick around spent the whole summer doing it and i don't remember how the [ __ ] i convinced him of this but at the end of the summer they give you a report card right and my parents wanted to see it to make sure that i had passed and i was like okay well this is where i'm [ __ ] because i don't have a report card from a biology class and somehow i convinced him to give me my report card with my grade for band which was an a because i did a great job uh with the thank you thank you thank you but he gave it to me with the subject the class blank i somehow convinced him to do and so i just wrote biology on that line wow and gave it to my parents yeah all good right i pulled it off i successfully spent the summer not taking biology and my parents are none the wiser flash forward to about six months later or something again like i said i wasn't a great student i was having especially at that time there was a lot of other factors going on that i won't go into but i was just struggling in school and i had a meeting with a counselor and my both of my parents and so we go into the office and they're going over like you know what kind of my status and what classes i still need to pass and everything and she's like yeah and he still needs to retake biology and my parents are like no he took biology last summer right dan and god i i i just froze i i had no idea where to go from there i knew i was completely [ __ ] cornered it's just and you know is our school was built in the [ __ ] 40s or something so tiny room like just in this tiny room like nowhere to even avert your eyes probably jail sell it yes just in this tiny ass room with my mom and my dad on the left and right and my counselor directly across from me and they're like yeah you took biology last summer right and i just i i literally i couldn't even speak i was just like i don't i don't know at that age that is the worst possible scenario that's painful it was it was one of the most painful memories of my life obviously i like i said my parents were very lenient with school but that was one of the times that i got [ __ ] ripped into uh grounded for a good while after that will play out the scenario like what happened how did it come out uh well that's where it came out i guess i i guess i had to cop to it uh in that meeting i mean you you said no i didn't take it yeah yeah yeah i i confess i fully i fully confess to you in front of guidance i don't think i did in front of the guidance counselor i waited until i got home and kind of explained exactly what had happened that summer um but yeah i mean i was riding so high man i thought i got away with it scot-free i was like so like when i when i convinced my teacher to leave the subject line off of there i was like i'm a [ __ ] genius like i did this you flew too high yeah you flew way too [ __ ] high yeah and um that was sort of a you know as cringe as it was it it was a bit of a turning point i think at that point was when i uh realized i needed to start actually taking school a little bit seriously if i if i didn't want to not graduate high school and that was the only thing more cringed than that situation was the thought of flunking out of high school yeah i was like all right i gotta like put in like 15 effort here to at least get c's or whatever you know i would say it could be worse i mean you could have just skipped school altogether right yeah i mean i actually came close to dropping out i was sort of considering you know what do you call the ged or whatever just dropping out and doing that yeah i i just i don't know i i don't know if it was a maturity thing or what and like i said i mean there was a lot going on in my life in my teenage years uh that was contributing to this but i was terrible in school like i just never like i just didn't do homework like period like i just didn't do it you know i two people in my family are teachers my brother-in-law my brother and they changed the rules now where people you just can't flunk like you literally they don't flunk people oh wow really because their whole philosophy is now is like dropping out of high school oh you were talking about this on families the other day that's right oh did we touch on it you touched on a little bit but they say dropping out of high school is not good for anybody right we did talk about it yeah yeah yeah yeah you can't even flunk out of high school now which is interesting yeah i don't know how i mean as somebody that would have benefited greatly from that i still don't know how i feel about that because i think that i think the pressure and the fear of being the guy that flunked out of high school it did help me get motivated basically my ninth and tenth grade year was i was a terrible student i made up for it in my uh junior and senior year i think the people generally who flunk out of high school are people from really bad families really by bad financial situations really social but you pulled it together and got through whereas someone like that they just they don't see they just don't see the point so you know yeah i get it in certain situations but yeah very interesting stuff there dan you got busted i busted big time i really haven't thought about that in a decade or two as well because took band took band got an a though like i said for that class bro crushed baby i played the trombone at the time i played all the brass and uh nerd hey i wasn't a [ __ ] clarinet player all right i'm just kidding the band kids are i i the band kids are cool i was a major band kid i was in marching band all that i was the drum major in my senior year that's right you were the drum major yeah there was a few so maybe not the drum major i was a drum major let's say but yes did you like the movie drum line with nick cannon you know that movie came out when i was in high school and when i was in marching band yeah you were no not not so much the thing was i don't know if it's like this for everybody but the drum the the drum line in marching band at our school and from what i've heard always kind of has a rep they're they're the they're the they're the meat heads they're the meat heads of the band and heads yeah a little bit okay and um so no i mean i wasn't really that big a fan of drumline oh okay were you you liked that movie um no i never watched it when i was a kid love don't cause the thing when it canon i don't that's that's a story for another time all right let's move it on um ian you got one for us yeah yeah i got one uh i don't know if i've told this on the show i don't think i have and i asked the guys they don't remember stop me if i have but this is like one of the most embarrassing things that i've ever done in my entire life great love that that still has implications on me to this day does it have to do with this show no okay no this was before okay got me worried so uh right after i graduated high school i kind of wanted to try stand-up so that was my thing i don't know i think i've told you this story in private yes we've never told this story on air i don't think so well there's another story this isn't this isn't the writing story oh i was thinking of the writing story you want to tell the writing story because that one's pretty good too no this one's worse okay go ahead i love it so cause he's told the writing story on the show but i don't think he's told this one he's okay this one i got reminded of it because of all the twitch stuff and being called reaction andes and all that stuff so i went to try stand up and i was very new and i was very insecure and nervous about it because i was i was so new i'd done it like two times at this point and i got this weird idea in my head that when they asked for my name i thought i'm gonna put a different name that's not my name and then when i bomb and i'm really painfully unfunny it's like that guy bombed not me your name is clean yeah it was like a like a hard reset in my mind it was just like a little mental trick so you were you were genuinely going up under a pseudonym just to get some practice under the belt yeah yeah essentially just to kind of get over my nerves a little bit okay so i use the name andy which is andy slater just like my normal um because my middle name so uh i did this and i put my name in and they called me and it went okay it was whatever but then afterwards i started talking to another guy there who was also doing stand-up and he goes hey andy right and i'm in my head i'm like well you know it's okay sure i didn't want to explain it because i i figured this was just a little chit chat and so i was like yeah yeah good to meet you and then we started talking and talking and talking and then at the end of it he asked me for my phone number if we wanted to do stand-up again or hang out and he types my into his phone andy and asks for my number so at this point i'm like i'm in too deep yeah i was too embarrassed at that point yeah so i just i went with it and then i heard from him and he invited me to this like social event and then he invited me to this little film project he was working on and every time all of these hey everyone this is my friend andy right you becoming andy and then i met a couple people at these various events so this was this was i don't know six seven years ago to this day there's about nine people in my life who think my name is andy so you're coming out right now as ian well i think that's out of the bag already [Laughter] he knows he knows but even still he'll come over and he'll call me andy he's like i can't not call you oh you guys are still friends yeah yeah you're an andy andy yeah i'm an andy andy yeah it's so embarrassing it doesn't strike me as that bad you you got a pseudonym they got a little far but like you could have just played it off like oh it's my you know it's my stage name and well mainly because it wasn't a stage name though it was like a one it's i did it one time and i've been in handy for like eight years it's kind of interesting how how these one evening though can have such a long standing uh how much can happen from one evening look how many people you met the aunt that andy met it's a butterfly effect andy right there it's an anti-fly butterfly andy butterfly andy well thank you for sharing that and we love it you want to share the writing story i feel like yeah people are going to want to know what's the writing story i think i've told that before it was a while ago i think there's plenty of people who haven't heard it was a long time ago that he told that story yeah okay i'll speed run it so the last time i ever did stand up ever i was trying to do some stupid ass like andy kaufman thing i thought was clever i don't know it was wasn't that good but the concept was that um that you know when you're giving a speech sometimes people write uh little reminders on their palm or something so in case they forget their lines they'll kind of like look at the palm to remember so what i did was i came up with this long bit that was like like like paige's worth and the joke was that i was gonna go up and act like i was forgetting my routine and then kind of look at my hand to remind myself and then it gets bigger and bigger and i have to like roll my sleeves and it would be covered in writing of my joke as a reminder and it would be all over my body you would take your shirt off yeah yeah and then it would end where i start to like unbutton my pants and then i go it's not even that funny and i walk off so that was my genius idea it's not a bad idea we all agree it's not a bad idea yeah so anyways before before the show i went and i got a marker and i wrote this like novel of information all over my body and then i put my shirt on and i went to this open mic and it was really hot in there like like stupid hot and the ceilings it was like seven foot tall ceilings and everyone was crammed in and i was in the back waiting for my turn and i was going like oh my god and i looked at the guy next to me i'm like it's kind of hot in here right he's like uh that's all right you know it is and i started kind of getting getting a little worried and i went to the bathroom to kind of calm my nerves and make sure everything was good and i end up in my shirt and my whole body was just blue like blue man group all of the ink had just melted and i'm like i i'm in there and i'm grabbing tissues and i'm like scrubbing the trash can is just overflowing like someone murdered a smurf in there or something just like blue covered uh paper towels and and then i heard my name and i just ran out oh you left you didn't even do it i should have told that story yeah because that's really funny i agree or you could have just rolled with it and like integrated into the bit that like yeah you take off your shirt like oh god oh god just start sweating and like being like but that's amazing you just bounced and you never performed again went out on a high note yeah that was the end of the stand-up career folks i try by the way i always encourage ian i think he's very funny that he should do stand up yeah those days are behind him like he said according to him but i encouraged him i said do some write some material come out here come out here and do a do a routine no no i like behind behind the scenes that story really hit ian home because we get like after that he's just like a he doesn't want to leave the darkness i know i'm in the shadow realm now damn shadow realm andy um we just have zach left right i'm gonna give him and love if love has one oh let's go do love because we always accidentally skip poor love you got one love bot i don't know i didn't put that much time into thinking about this uh for some reason i've just like blocked out all the really awkward moments in my life sure but there's this one thing that came up um uh well two i i can't i can't tell two short ones so in school i was always the one that like couldn't stop laughing i always laughed at [ __ ] what the [ __ ] we just had the laughing contest and you said nothing makes you laugh well yeah but when when you're with friends and stuff oh you're when you're with friends when you're with people that are actually funny right yeah unlike here sitting over here in sweden in a dark room right well anyways uh so this teacher for some reason was talking about like some really brutal [ __ ] that had happened to him and mike just reminded me of the worst thing ever story ever sorry so like death death stuff and me and my friend just for some reason just lock eyes and we like no no don't do like it smiling at each other yeah and it just evolves i'm sure like a lot of people have yeah the same experience but totally this was so inappropriate he was talking about some really really dark [ __ ] that had happened with his family or his dad or something oh no yeah and we just like literally start laughing and we have to leave the classroom because we just die and we couldn't go back in we had all our stuff in there we couldn't go back in so we just stayed outside his uh classroom for the rest of the rest of the day did you guys ever debrief it with the teacher or explain or was it just ignored no no yeah we just hoped they had forget tonight next week and just because it was so short i i have this other story in my school always the first thing that the teacher does when they come into the classroom is they put in their pc into the projector so it like shares the screen and for some reason this teacher had facebook on facebook notifications oh and he left the classroom and a bunch of weird stuff started coming in from his notifications well like shooting stuff like like weird stuff from a girl that we know is not his wife's name interesting so he was getting like sexual kindness not sexual but like flirty weirdly intimate stuff okay intimate messages from a woman who's not his wife yeah we even checked out what his wife's name was wow okay interesting and yeah i just started a huge rumor that it was uh he was cheating on his wife which was pretty funny then we poor guy he's probably a sister or something that actually reminds me of a story i used to be really good friends with this guy in high school we had kind of the same dynamic where we you would catch eyes just start laughing at the worst moment like for example we worked for we both worked for this gardener who was a really devout jehovah's witness and he started talk i just i started the conversation i was curious like and so this is why it makes it so [ __ ] up i was asking like so what's the deal with your faith he's so because like his whole life's about his faith and everything and he starts talking about like you know really serious stuff and we look at each other and start laughing like i asked him and i start [ __ ] laughing at him he goes yeah it does sound kind of goofy but that's just to set the stage okay so i was a poetry this is honestly so [ __ ] up you guys and i'm gonna tell this story it wasn't funny it was horrible this i didn't want this to happen and i feel so bad so please don't think ill of me but we were both uh poetry we were both poetry majors writers and we had a mutual friend who was a girl that we were all friends with and she's like i've been writing a poetry do you guys want to hear it like she kept trying to get she kept trying to read us her poetry and we're like cool let's hear it so we go to a room it's a small room it's just the three of us in this room and she starts reading this poem we didn't know what to expect she starts reading this it's very intimate very uh vulnerable about her being assaulted something really vulnerable right an emotional powerful beautiful poem about her being essayed or some just that's what the sense was it's something horrible right that left this huge impact on her is something about there's like an inverse a formula for like how inappropriate it is to laugh that makes it irresistible sure yeah and so for just no good reason i catch eyes with kareem or well he's my friend and like [Laughter] well just like for a small smile creep up on one of our faces just knowing just because we're both thinking the same thing like it's so [ __ ] up if we laugh like don't laugh don't laugh and we kept looking at each other and then we're just in the room that there was she's reading this heartbreaking poem we're just sitting there like trying to laugh it's so [ __ ] up you guys and like in my mind it was so painful i so didn't want to laugh it was so painful and i just i i wanted to just like stop so badly and she was like pretending like she didn't notice but obviously she did because it was like and she just kept reading the whole thing and we were just we were just like like stifling laughter just the two of us in her room and we were [ __ ] laughing at her it was so [ __ ] up but it wasn't it wasn't like tears it wasn't laughter of joy it was pain it was just like self-loathing laughter like i couldn't help myself yeah i just don't it was just so painful you guys oh god i'm so sorry to her i'm so so sorry to her that makes me think of my grandma's funeral me and my cousins were all kicked out by my dad my cut real fast my cousin came in late and he sits next to me and islamic funerals you sit up with all the men women family set up up front on each side my cousin turns to me and say what did i miss because he came in late and i said turns out she's not dead and then it just started [Laughter] it started a chain reaction that got us all kicked out by my father sitting in front it could not stop laughing you can't ask what did i miss at a funeral that's what we set you up so so well for that i thought you were gonna say she died what did you miss oh she died uh but yeah she didn't die works too that's so [ __ ] funny jesus your dad must have been pissed now you have a big time big time oops zacky did you go uh no but i i thought of a story all right let's hear it is it [ __ ] on someone's lawn no no no um which i'm not cringing at i'm still very proud of that yes i don't know why but um we love you for that you know i'm known as a very cringed person and you know a lot of things i do i just i just do i don't find them cringy um this story the joker brain yes joker brain which in itself is cringe to a lot of people but whatever no it's cool yeah it is this story makes me cringe so this says a lot okay so i was about 15 and i had a horrible case of swamp ass now if you've ever had that it's a horrible thing it's very what is swamp ass it's like you know you find your term yeah um you know you had a long day of like diarrhea or whatever your [ __ ] is just raw and your cheeks are red and you know what have you i thought swamp was just sweaty ass but this is you're talking about there was a dramatic kind of uh experience at your ass there was there was sweat involved yes yeah it was a full whammy okay so i had this and the same night we were going to an event it was one of my dad's clients and um i i needed something for pain relief um so i put this product on like a a vaseline but it's called rosebud and it helps with the chafing rosebud yeah it helped with the chafing and i caked this [ __ ] on like finger right on your butthole yeah so you went to the bathroom and just put it right on right on in your ass this was before we were leaving okay okay you know on the cheeks all that yep and you know it was during summer so it was a hot night you know uh we go to the event and the guy's like hey like you want to go for a ride in my new ferrari and it's this beautiful 458 ferrari gorgeous and i'm like yeah sure so we go in i'm in the car i'm sitting there and you know like ian's story it was hot and i liked ian's story it was hot it was hot yeah and i feel this like squish as i'm sitting in the car as we're riding around and yeah um i'm like what is that totally forgot that i put the rosebud on rosebud and i'm wearing shorts and i get up out of the car and i see on the seat the whole where you sit is just covered in this grease and just rose bud and i'm horrified thank god when we got out of the car the dude didn't see it but he knew i not at the moment no but he like i'm sure later on he knew i never i never heard a nail trailer what is wrong with this kid he left he left right now holy [ __ ] so i still cringe at that probably stunk too oh yeah oh yeah so he must have thought you were like the most vile kid he's ever met he this kid left a stinky grease trail on my brand new car man that's awesome i uh yeah that that horrifies me i've never heard a word from him or my dad about did it was it like just did it look like your ass and legs or was it just grease everywhere there was grease everywhere all over it brand new [ __ ] so the back of your pants must have been all wet and greasy oh dude also there's another layer to this but maybe there's maybe there's multiple uh rosebud creams or something i i was just curious because i never heard of this brand before so i just googled rosebud cream and the first result is an organic vulvar and vaginal skincare is that what you use that's not it now are you sure 150 okay it does look like they have some other products that's just the first thing that comes up on google this is this is like a vaseline like a lip balm but you use it for like okay okay i was wondering if that'd be [ __ ] funny though yeah but yeah that that story makes me cringe yeah that's bad yeah i'm glad that makes you cringe i would question your sanity if that didn't make you cringe so that's my story okay guy you must have used a lot of that product oh i caked it on because this is what i'm seeing and i don't know exactly what it was but like i'm just thinking you'd have to use a lot of vaseline to get that i was hurting that day dude like it was bad rosebud salve yeah that's it that's okay that's the stuff okay let's see what this is smith's rosebud salve a trade secret blend of essential oils cottonseed oil and a spectral and a special petroleum base rosebud perfumes so mussels had a it must have had a nice rosy shitty like that's exactly scent it it seeped through my underwear it seeped through the shorts i mean it was just horrifying horrifying you got you you got the best stories buddy i mean that with the [ __ ] on the grass is just which that doesn't i don't cringe at that i'm very proud of that story why are you proud of [ __ ] on someone's grass how many people how many people can say they did that a lot like homeless people like every homeless person i don't know but when you're in a predicament when you're on your way to somewhere and your stomach is dropping and you can't hold it what are you gonna do you can't hold it i would rather [ __ ] my pants than drop trout and [ __ ] on something if you remember in my story i i tried [ __ ] my pants in the car at my body why'd you have to get on the grass do it in the gutter or something i it was the only place i found i hopped off the freeway and i'm like i gotta go now i'm glad you can live with yourself you gotta go you gotta go i suppose yeah so we've heard from everybody uh maybe i guess technically you haven't yeah sorry i mean the only reason i still want to share this because i really had to dig deep for it okay so some context uh in my hometown a lot of the dudes are really buff like they're really big dudes the best way i could describe it quickly is like it's like the arab version of like guidos and jersey shore like yeah and uh ethan bradbury type of thing no no no like bigger than big buff dudes okay like super jacked yeah okay and uh so one night me and a bunch of my co-workers were all really close and some of my friends went to the club and uh i had one friend who i was really close with she was like we were really close but she's a little older than me she was kind of like my wing girl she was she's really cool but um she's really pretty and uh she was talking to some dude at the time and so her friends left and she asked if we could take her home at the end of the night her and my uh me my friend phiraz and so she was talking to some new guy and she was going to his place and so we're driving him there these are back in my days when i was uh still drinking so i was really drunk and i was in the backseat of my friend's mustang fidos is in front and then my my friend my girlfriend in front my friend who's a girl and uh so she calls the guy that she's talking to at the time and this guy is like screaming at her like what if i'm going to be like like going nuts like at her like i've been [ __ ] and i'm like bro what's wrong with this guy and so i'm a little [ __ ] up give me the phone give me the phone i was like passed out in the back prior to this you're drunk yes i take the phone and uh right before i i start talking she goes no no he he goes to lava which is the restaurant that we work at so he might recognize me she says so i was like i'll change my voice my drunk self for whatever reason like i guess i was thinking a lot of people in our my hometown don't know pop culture that well so i started imitating the emperor from star wars and so like give me an example of what that might have sounded like uh so i was like uh i i was talking to her like that and he's like he's like he goes what he goes who the [ __ ] is this i go i don't know don't worry about it he's like he's like who the [ __ ] is he he starts getting like really mad screaming at me don't worry about it and then he goes uh he goes whoo he goes who likes screaming at me and i go i am descended everyone in this car starts cracking up and then she starts [ __ ] then she's laughing and then he starts flipping out and he goes uh and he goes uh what are you guys high and he's like i'm gonna beat the [ __ ] out of you and i go good good give it to you i hate and i just keep going with it and he keeps getting and i'm cracking up we're all laughing i'm not thinking anything and then we start to get closer and i see he has a green lamborghini and then it clicks to me who this guy is this guy looks just like an air version of the rock he's rich he's got a lambo he gets a lambo he's like six [ __ ] four and he's just [ __ ] diesel he's he's obviously jacked up on roy's or something huge and then i look and he's standing outside waiting for us to roll up and i and i'm i'm telling my friend fridas i'm like [ __ ] go go go go go go take her take her to one of her friends house and my friend firos who's also a tough guy he goes if he [ __ ] this guy we could take him i'm like no no no no i can't take him go go go go go he and he goes if you stop being a [ __ ] i'm just saying no no no no no no no we get close and he starts walking up to the car and like my friend fidos for every reason thinks we could take him how big how big is your buddy he's shorter than me and he's like i mean he he's he's kind of you know big but he's like five seven he's short shark king yeah and so for whatever reason in my drunk palpatine rage i reach through the seats and i grab my friend's nipples and i give him a titty twister and i scream go as i'm squeezing his tits and that worked and he just gunned it and then we dropped her off at her friend's house and uh yeah that was there was that was the story i recognized the guy and uh we're cool now but i was i was just very embarrassed by that squeezing my friend's tits and saying go because he's he's not the type to to roll with that so so was he angry at the tit uh the tip maneuver at first he's like he's like abra what the [ __ ] was that and then he's like i'm like sorry dude i just i we definitely couldn't take him then he goes he kept driving and goes maybe like like it's like 10 minutes later maybe i can't believe you really just squeezed my tits like that i don't know how to feel about that and i was like yeah i was desperate time we just had to i had a gun a titty twister double titty twister man and did you guys ever talk about it after the uh i can't believe you did that every chance these two had my friend in the car both of my friends in the car told the story of me giving a titty twister as i was afraid of getting my ass beat by the arab rock fantastic [ __ ] that's what he was about to say to me yeah titty twister i mean i got a titty twister once from one of the guys at water polo like one of the older guys and i felt so violated and i didn't even know this guy yeah and first of all it's extremely painful and very uh humiliating and i was like i was like i'm gonna [ __ ] kill this guy like i was so upset and i was like i'm i'm i was like i can't believe you did that too i'm gonna [ __ ] kill him i was ready to kill him i was plotting i was just i was i was just so i couldn't believe that happened so yeah the titty twister is uh definitely i don't know i've had it once and it felt it left it left a big impact on me titties i don't think he ever talked to me again because he i was like i think i looked like i was in a murderous rage he was way bigger than me so i wasn't gonna fight him or something that wasn't on the table he was probably expecting you to just laugh it off or whatever and the fact that you got no pissed i was gonna i was like i'm plotting your death right now in my head yeah someone gave me a very painful titty twister in middle school and they're like name five cereals and i was in so much and i couldn't think and i'm like orioles chips ahoy he's like cereals while he's like twisting my whole nip yeah i don't yeah i don't miss that about being a kid that like a big part of it was just uh hurting each other yeah thinking that that was funny you know what i mean like there was a lot of that going on growing up some kid gave me a five star one time in fourth grade what's a five star uh it's just like you take your hand like and you just slap someone on the back as hard as you can oh okay yeah and you know they're like little names for things yeah cute little cute names dude i knew a guy or i actually didn't know him but it was just somebody in my class uh who do you remember kids used to do this sometimes where you'd go up behind somebody and with your knee you'd hit the back of their knees so somebody did that to this guy in my high school and without realizing the person that he did it to like had recently had something wrong with his leg or something and he [ __ ] like blew out his kneecap i like collapsed and ended up having an ambulance come but like and thinking back it's just like kids here's this here's one from middle school um i was like involved because i was guess i was friends with the kid doing it and i knew the kid he was doing it too he goes wouldn't it be funny if i peed in a coke can a coke bottle and gave it to him and he drank it and we were all like i guess that'd be funny so he took half a coke bottle went to the bathroom pissed in the bottle gave it to him and then what's weird is he took the bottle and like who just takes a coke bottle from someone they don't know that well and then drinks it he drank his piss and then the police came it turned into a whole thing and they called on us to testify what it was like this whole crazy thing and i'm like what is this it's too nasty actually yeah like that very wild that's nice that happened sorry go ahead yeah i'm delayed uh do you guys know about anything that's called buddha buddha yeah it's a similar like thing you do to people or buddha for some reason kids did to each other when i was young yeah so basically you go like this and you go from behind you just shove your hand up that and [ __ ] spread it oh i think that's a new one i see kids on tick tock doing that i think sometimes that's like people did that to me when i was a kid like foreign seriously like a violation yeah it sounds like straight up like almost borderline r word yeah there was uh there was a similar thing growing up what did they call it it's like elephant something or other and somebody come up behind you and grab you by the shoulders and put their knee into your ass like really hard yeah we make like an elephant sound you know what i mean we used to do when i was a kid called ropi ropi where you would put them in your trunk sedate them with a drug tie their arms and legs up in a rope yeah keep them in your dungeon and then perform unspeakable axe on them for a week right yeah it's called the ropey ropie yeah i remember that and then you let him go i used to do that one all the time yeah it's hilarious ethan your story reminded me of the the piss in the coke some kid did that at my high school except it was with his load [Music] yeah he ended up getting expelled bro oh brother disgusting so did someone drink the snap yeah he drank the whole [ __ ] thing and then he's like ah i came in the snapple and like oh my see now that see that's coming right there that tastes comfortable yep that is literally coming for sure i think that that's the most [ __ ] up thing everything yes kids are wild man pretty well we actually have to wrap it up how are we doing how are we doing on time here uh we do need to wrap it up we're almost in two hours uh fantastic i'm sorry we do have one more submission uh from cameron oh cameron come share your story he linked and uh we have time yeah of course we got time for you stand up cam um stand up you want me to pull this picture up of you in high school yeah holy [ __ ] cameron this is you in high school yeah i'm not as gifted as a storyteller as all you guys are so bro look at those bracelets a picture is worth a thousand uh cringe stories and there's a few uh have you ever posted this to blender years the subreddit blender years i've never heard of it but i should check it out okay you just gotta post this photo to blunder years well keep looking keep looking it gets worse hold on i'm still enjoying this one yeah yeah we're taking all of this in so you have a communist shirt on yep i was a bit of a i i don't know anything about marx's theory really i just uh i don't know it was for the people yeah clearly i was most popular in high school yes this kind of attack dude those bracelets what was your theory on all the bracelets um i like the way they look and uh i still wear some bracelets to this day but not that many and there's also if you look very closely there's also a fish sweat band there from the band fish oh hello oh big fish big fish energy coming off of it i have a cringe story with the guy who created adventure time oh pendleton ward yes uh oh i would love to hear that i'm a big stan you might want us we we might have to save it for next time next time a little teaser for next time because we really are pretty this is one that i think back on in terror and shame oh yeah that is good that is a good cliffhanger i'd love to hear it yeah for the next one next week yeah i was about to say that oh my god those bracelets remind me of convention wait those bracelets remind me of prank invasion oh yeah clearly i made made out with a lot of girls yeah how was your circulation not cut off you look so different i mean pro i mean look you you your your skin looks beautiful i mean you don't you look so different what what are you trying to say what's wrong with this photo huh my skin's not beautiful here it's like a jackson pollock painting i'm just saying you've blocked you've blossomed didn't do a fine younger they glow up as they say blow up they glow up little bit yeah you've had a glow up and the last photo is my uh rosie o'donnell although bob dylan called bob dillinger i got that at the bob dylan show he was a horrible uh here you look good you look good here that's my rosie no you look fine here you look fine uh i still wear that flannel from time to time oh my god no that's amazing you can fit in clothes from high school that's something i can never do i would say fit in great but sorry to yeah this is fine you look great here i'm not gonna hate on this poor little kid i am but you know thanks for giving me the opportunity to share these you know have a great day everybody but you should definitely submit this to blunder years i think people would love this photo specifically yeah that's a prime target let's analyze this real quick uh okay we got the guy fox mask guy fox mask uh green lantern shirt a lot of xbox 360 games there yeah what's the uh is that a tibetan flag that is a flag at a bet yeah okay you know make doesn't even look like a poster it's like a banner it is a banner yeah don't take don't take this the wrong way but in this specific photo you kind of look like a young james charles oh god oh no i don't see it oh no i don't see it i don't see it i'm desperate that there's that does resonate i'm desperate energy that photo right there yeah really sad i'm really sad you're really sad all right remind me to tell the uh the adventure okay i'll put a note in the dark but yeah we are we are past the two hour threshold now so we should uh rip it up he asked me for a photo because i was with justin roiland at some kind of event oh i was at the the telling the story yeah but he was a fan of mine he wanted a photo and something happened that i think made him never want to know me oh got it you're leaving a little okay i like this little till next time yeah i don't we'll save that for next time yeah i'll hold on to that thought oh no oh no oh no sister snatched all right bye guys bye

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 1,183,132

Keywords: h3 podcast, h3h3 podcast, the h3 podcast, the h3h3 podcast, h3h3productions, h3h3, h3, ethan klein, hila klein, ethan and hila, ethan & hila, off the rails

Id: sNSuS4heiso

Length: 114min 33sec (6873 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 05 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/rajde1]

I think off the rails might be my favourite h3 show right now. I like the vibe of them just hanging out and telling stories. I like the other segments too plus they mix it up, which keeps it fresh.

[u/appleparkfive]

That story definitely resonated, Ethan. Promise.

But AB is like a top tier employee. Just straight up jumped on that grenade of silence

[u/Jaybird327]

Damnit AB you missed your perfect chance to scream unlimited power when you titty twisted your friend.

[u/andrewg14ak]

Ethan needs to be featured on DONDA

[u/clowninthetown]

I really wanna hear that adventure time story!

[u/appleparkfive]

Pretty cool that they got Ian locked in a reverb plate room!

/s

[u/DiscountConsistent]

It’s funny to read this description of Kavanaugh’s alleged counter-suit to the memo falsification claims:

The suit — riddled with typos and allegedly filed in Los Angeles’ Superior Court of California on Thursday — claims instead that the memo in question was “opened by Kavanaugh whom (sic) read it and did resave it causing it to show last modified.”

Whether the suit was even filed could not be confirmed.

Source

Sounds as incompetent as the Triller lawyers were when they filed suit against Ethan, which makes me think Kavanaugh is the common denominator.

[u/Kirosky]

The food segment was kinda hard to watch but the rest of the episode was gold and had me cracking up so hard. The cringe stories are great

[u/lilcpig]

Yo Ethan is so right nobody hates him as much as H3 fans the complaints and demands from people on this sub are insane 😂

(Also side note would really like to know if Love just constantly works through the night for the show? I wonder how the time difference factors into his work)