Ep. 28 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

oh snap there's hot ear merch message calm / calm cigarette head on over mercy better calm / Tom Segura this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by satva if you go to sattvikam / ymh you automatically get two hundred and twenty five dollars off of your order that's an incredible savings incredible product I'm a huge fan you can get the luxury firm satva flagship model you can get the lumen leaf memory foam or the sole layer which is I'm very excited to be trying soon they're incredible company I'm a big fan they don't just send you a mattress in a box like you're some animal these guys have takeaway service White Glove service they come they set it up and they take yours away highly recommend it SAA TVA sattvikam / ymh and start with 225 dollars off of your order to show just finishing this chapter of mine come for long give him a second look at these look at these likes oh yeah that's an interesting perspective [Laughter] seems like a [ __ ] lot right yes I have no idea that's likes but no its views views like whatever it is it's I was not a million people why do you think it's so high I have no idea I have no idea I don't know I wish I would always had a marketing brain about me where I could go mention your Instagram way to me you don't think you have a marketing brain remarkable we started the show I didn't say anything racist you were reading a pretty racist book oh is that we started okay I was out of it um no III said to some of the other day I'm 96 97 % artist 3 % businessman and they were like I don't think that like I think you mean alcoholic by the way party hardest [ __ ] on Friday hardest [ __ ] how much did you drink that a lot like I had four big cocktails and then and I murdered one I just pounded it and like it flooded me it felt so good I ended up listening to the Grateful Dead I listened to post Malone's whole Nirvana tribute it was awesome the girls were inside they were in their room on like FaceTime LeAnn was gone I was just wasted by myself I got in the pool I opened a bottle of wine I watched a movie on Michael Hutchence from INXS it was like the best and then shut it down the next day shut it down didn't even [ __ ] it so you watch that movie drunk oh yeah well where'd you see it on on Netflix I think on Amazon maybe I knew I'm a big fan of Michael Hutchence you know he lost his sense of smell and it ended up driving him crazy no yeah that's why when people are saying they're losing their sense of Selma Schmidt says when people say they're let's take from the top when people say they're losing their sense of smell or their sense of taste it that's not Michael Hutchence oh there we go there we go no no no go back to the goalie I want to know what movie you thought I watched Nadal on the Toronto Maple Leaves goalie now I misspelled it I misspelled Michael Hutchence I can auto corrected my misspelling to Hutchinson yeah I hear you I hear you that was a great conversation anyway Michael Hutchence is lost his sense of smell and a sense of taste wait when did he lose it though he got into a fight and like Bangkok or and maybe not Bangkok but he got into a fight a cab driver pulled up on him and he was like I [ __ ] you and the cab driver knocked him out and it he had a severe head injury was later in his life or later in his life and he was dating Elena Christensen pull up Hellena Christensen do you remember Helena Christensen one of the most beautiful women ever in the world yeah my god his supermodel I was thinking about what if what if you just went through and [ __ ] all the supermodels that are now aging yeah and would love love the attention so like I don't have any more saying you'd do them that favor I was actually thinking of a movie okay writing a script about a guy who goes were out of bugs aging supermodels and he's like I thought you like that be like 70 years old and they're like you know they could use like 45 year old dick yeah so you're saying a 70 year old supermodel yeah type in 70 girls are like 50 right now no yeah Elena Christensen said 49 right there it said she's only 49 that's what it said I thought oh wow that's way out of my league you're saying like that late like yeah like May musk like oh wow that lady's 83 done Japanese selfie go to Daphne selfie just type in Daphne selfie I'm sure itself Daphne self I wonder what she looked like in the 50s hmm go back Daphne self young right young oh it's like it's so old that you can't even tell if it's pretty cuz it was just like that when you couldn't tell it was pretty back then I don't like it you're like oh yeah it's hard wow there's a certain time age where you can't see if it's pretty anymore you're like in the 40s real like no I get it now someone has to tell you that this was pretty then was she wearing wheat it's all this clothes it's too much clothes you know we're gonna get [ __ ] murdered for trashing her yeah I don't give a [ __ ] type in [ __ ] type in model super mana I guess I'm super models but model 19 18 19 18 let's see do you like do um models 1930s you know yeah swimsuit models do that maybe we're like yeah swimsuit models 1930 yeah can you imagine the racist [ __ ] that came out of there no look at these dogs not nobody here could be a bobble back you wipe a blow all these out of the water I mean look at this hold on wait go go back to the [ __ ] the pony news we enlarged that that is not I mean did they look at their faces before that is not that is not a track I mean it's like a [ __ ] bus stop like I don't know why they're oh my god so when do women get attractive this is like right before they went into the mind it's it almost it almost feels like attractive happened at a moment way after this all right okay zoom in on the can you zoom in on the color one can make it bigger it's okay not the best not the greatest I'm not no I'm not blown away no I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't turn my head if I walked past it you know I mean the center one I guess is if she had attitude but no women had attitude back then they'd get beaten super done any woman's she's a real firecracker oh I'll take care of that no and also you realize oh when the police came to those situations they'd yell at her well this is what you [ __ ] get for having a big mouth okay this girls are kind of attractive and like I hey I'm gonna be working at the beach for the summer kind of way 1940's swimwear not my favorite look man it wasn't happening in the 40s okay okay let's go let's go let's go maybe they figured it out swimsuit model 1950s oh wait can you zoom in on any like okay okay that means she's she's cute that girl's cute yeah she's not bad go to the one before kicking in the air you know oh that's changed Mansfield right there right it's just that the face she's making a face you can't yeah she looked like a hot executive but not like a swimsuit model who's that I've seen Mansfield right there no I don't know I don't know but she looks hot looks like an island girl you actually look pretty cute scroll down go down this show us a few more okay okay now do you know what this is television showed up around here so this is where what is that smile on I think I got guys I think I'm sitting on something guys I think I'm definitely sitting on I see your time this is see this girl's parents told her she was way prettier than she is you know I mean they kept they kept telling her you're gorgeous and oh that okay let's let's argue this we're gonna probably need a woman's opinion in this yeah but okay okay by the way a little disclaimer here yeah these are brand new thoughts so they haven't been thought out so I didn't get in trouble for them those are all your thoughts women always [ __ ] like like progressively may [ __ ] on the male standard that we've applied for beauty standards males apply to beauty standards yes they shouldn't be held up to yes is it possible that this is simply before that male Beauty standard this is before notes so this is should be the decade that it happened in this is this one the fifties this this one woman's beautiful is that Monroe I can't even tell so Marilyn Monroe might be the first attractive woman well I don't know if she's like no like I like and like what we like about that hands on the hips their hands on the hips yeah scroll in she's pretty she's pretty a little hippie I like it if I can accountants daughter alright good then is there another one you know she's got dark sideburns like hair grows down her yeah Oh yuck it looks like she's smelling her armpit like mang face to man go to the [ __ ] track if you're gonna look like that let's real quick let's get a palate cleanser let's get a palate cleanser and type in 1990s swimsuit model oh let's just get a pallet answer Oh [ __ ] [ __ ] me and my dick just got hard like Jimmy D Utley I go back to these pictures and they would buy my dad would get the swimsuit in addition at his office and I show up his office getting ready for baseball and I see it and be like ah one of I gonna rub one out real quick before we go to baseball god dammit these girls so wait so this is our is this effectively what women are complaining about is this is the male standard well we're talking about the male standard right now are they complaining about the swimsuit model this one's an issue yeah like this like these are like unrealistic things is what they say I mean that these most of these ladies are genetic anomalies you know that was that tire was a who was that last one yeah was that Tyra Banks Tyra Banks is I met her in person one time she came yeah they don't even look real right what can you meet him you're like chillin look real her and Heather Graham do not look like real human beings they're so beautiful yeah yeah I mean someone fierce and I would be a toilet by the way the average just and like I say this cuz they're in our business but the average [ __ ] female comedian is hotter than any woman in the 50s oh yeah I agree and I'm saying that come here Halle Berry is perfect who's this fifty five-year-old yeah who is that I don't know by the way I've gray hair sexiest [ __ ] you know I watch goop last night goop you watch that yeah I watched it with what's-her-name Gwyneth Paula Gwyneth Paltrow's got gray roots I find it hot really yeah I like gray roots letting the gray go no I think she just was being a little sloppy really yeah I think her stylist wasn't paying much attention type in Gwyneth Paltrow gray roots yet too gray roots too gray too Roots can you see them no it was in goop it was about dude by the way is that's on Netflix Netflix by the way shout out to connect Paltrow if you're watching this Janet's again of Weymouth Paltrow my mouth is sloppy this morning this is I got laid because of when with Paltrow when last night why because they did a whole episode on orgasms hold on don't let me forget to write men on there okay uh-huh the there was a whole interview on a whole segment on female orgasms and it was talking about just about how did like it was just [ __ ] 30 minutes on orgasms and then LeAnn just hit the TV we've done watching she goes so what do you want to do I was like I don't know what you want to do is you as I say we go into the bedroom and I was like Dunn's on and I brought the [ __ ] Thunder did you really I sincerely did walk us through it I kissed her first that's which I normally don't do I usually put in work yeah like let's get the kids are still asleep we to lock the door lately eyelas been like coming into our room just bust in our room with [ __ ] big ideas hey I got an idea tomorrow this weekend let's go to Hawaii you know and but she wants this weekend we're going to Hawaii in our backyard we're gonna turn our backyard in Hawaii and go to Hawaii that's cool yes kinda bad but um so I go down south I put in work I go down south I put in work yeah oh yeah yeah like a carpetbagger yeah I [ __ ] go down south and I set up camp I'm gonna sell these [ __ ] you always eat ask - no I never eat us okay LeAnn's not it's not LeAnn's you know the hands gotten so [ __ ] prudish she has a statement she says all the time wrong girl wrong girl and it wasn't that way originally so I mean say you suggest something or try she's like my girl what would I suggest the other day I just said something I said something so not like let's go have sex in the garage she's like wrong girl and I was like but he used to you used to do that so yeah that's who I was but I'm not that person things have changed Braunger she says wrong girl all the [ __ ] time you look good by the way well good thank you thank you when I got drunk the other night I'm sitting on the couch watching Michael Hutchence he's having crazy sex on the thing they're talking about it and I'm like yeah but another pop little a little sip right and then I just go I'm tired of this wrong girl [ __ ] I didn't know where like I forgot how alcohol will start a conversation with you alcohol you'll be sitting on your recliner and alcohol to be like you feel good right I'm like yeah and he goes [ __ ] up the way she talks to you though huh and you're like huh it's like dude she just says like wrong girl like you like you never [ __ ] that chick before you [ __ ] that chick that's what you married nah my God he's like wrong girl my ass she doesn't say that does and I go she doesn't he's like we you better tell her and I'm like [ __ ] [ __ ] will and then out of nowhere you see I'm right here what's up with this wrong I'm tired of this wrong girl [ __ ] I wish she say she went excuse me I was like I'm done with it like don't let's not do that anymore I don't want it I'm not old I don't want to be old let's still [ __ ] have fun I want to have sex in the pool wrong girl wrong girl wrong girl I think we've done it before and she goes yeah and I didn't like it wrong girl she does she says wrong girl so much to me just to shut it down wrong girl either this ectomy know are you gonna get one didn't we say we were gonna get them together do you want to sell sure wrong guy at the 11th start saying I want to get one like when once you can do elective stuff again you know like this summer oh oh yeah oh you can't do I am by the way I haven't I haven't had a cardiologists appointment I missed and my tooth is starting to hurt again yeah let it go for a while but then maybe we do it all the same week um I'm not even worried about my cardiologist I'm in such [ __ ] better shape than I was when I schedule that appointment actually I was gonna say you look because you've thinned out that's in doubt yeah I don't know how much I've lost but I'm not gonna weigh myself like it because it just [ __ ] on my head yeah I want to enjoy myself so I'm running like crazy tears I'm running like crazy I'm my drink here's my new theory don't let me forget men I am tired of people making me I'm tired of the [ __ ] today a comes up with where you got to count your you're sober days in a row I think that's [ __ ] I think that's that that's what their whole goal is it's stupid though because it sets you up for failure you can't have a good time if you do if you have to do all your sober days consecutively I mean I'm being serious you know talking about I mean they yeah they mark like months and then years you know 45 days right now 45 days what I have been sober for 45 days there is no but I want to change that like I want to change it too you drink three days ago yeah I know put out I want to change it to I want to change it to I want it to be different it's like no one does a diet and goes yeah I just I'm strict on my diet and you go well you're [ __ ] lunatic them well some people do do that and they're [ __ ] lunatics right right like when you meet someone that's like yeah I've been vegan for 15 years you're like okay yeah no party at all like no bacon like oh you're like I might not like you like I don't think I'm gonna get along with you you know so where do you meet somebody in there like I've been sober for you know 10 years 10 years and I go wow what you must be out really out of control that's what you hear I were in my head I hear it I go you couldn't just have a drink and they can't and they go no no no no next you know I'm sucking dick behind a dumpster and you're like just one drink and you suck dick find dumpsters and then it comes by the way we're talking this through and I know I've I posted something about sobriety the other day on my Instagram and dude so sober people got really upset like really upset what did you post I said something about the effect that I had drank I had only drank in 41 days I'd only drank once so I said I drank 40 I did I haven't drank 40 over the last 41 days everyone's like bro you drank on Rogan that's [ __ ] [ __ ] just so you know that upsets us sober people don't talk like that and I was like hey go [ __ ] yourself don't talk to me like I'll talk anyway I [ __ ] won too right okay yeah so like like I understand that you have an issue with alcohol and I understand you also see that I do because everything that you see is gonna come out with those glasses on everything's [ __ ] or nothing I I just go I wish that you could just find a new way to go like yeah I don't party for like a month but I have a night off like like I wish there was a way to have that be an accomplishment that makes sense yeah I mean it can be to like to yourself you know I guess I guess my point is I'm Mike most anyone in like the sober community yeah it's not gonna see your approach or style to this as like hey credit given cuz they don't view it that doesn't work for them like that yeah it's the same people they get really up so I got a lot of people talk [ __ ] to me about sober October looking at your okay I wrote okay spent 40 over the last forty one days stone sober right so at forty one days I have my first drink and average under and by the way this is also crazy my deep sleep is when I drank was like an hour 37 mm when you're sober it's barely [ __ ] three minutes alright so people who wrote to you alcohol dependency liver is [ __ ] have you tried it's like first of all there's no gray area know by them is the dumbest thing in the world to ever this is where you really isolate those people with IQs from 70 to 75 yeah like that you really want to find those people are in this comment thread okay it's people that have never lived a life your buddies use your bodies use alcohol give it more time to adjust okay okay Jason Robinson yeah Jason Robert it's been 41 days just so you know you haven't read anything Jason Robinson and that you're after 21 days your body is it's it's out of your system uh-huh that's that's all the research I've done it doesn't take 41 days to get alcohol out of your system right actually after five days it's out of your system right yeah by the way I didn't research that I just said that out loud but like you look at these in them this says your body's going through withdrawal that's why Reid Hicks once again time on I'm on I'm on the dot with a job type in how long it takes for alcohol to get out of your system yeah we'll check back with you in 30 minutes and yeah but my point is like it's amazing how load it like when we do sort of October I get a lot of people really upset that did you do serve October because they go guys this isn't a game this is a you know like sobriety for a lot of people is very cherished like it's like a not one hour Nadal I'm typing it so poorly it took it takes one hour to get out for all I don't know okay look at the people also ask does it say it in there maybe don't worry about it I think this is a pause all right how long does alcohol stay in your system that the American addiction centers yeah that one does it give us it's not it's led up to six hours 24 I mean hair 90 days and your hair in your hair yeah well yeah i know i think that i think is anyway my point is i i've read some of those comments and i was like alright this is [ __ ] ridiculous and then you go I don't like I've really enjoyed not drinking like I've enjoyed it a lot and I go cool man I like and I love building up days like it's cool to look at you go out of the last 40 what I say 45 I haven't drank 43 days or whatever and it's cool to do that I get that I get the accomplishment part but I also like [ __ ] cutting getting off the reservation having a [ __ ] good time and then show them back up the next day like at enhan like so we're gonna start this up again huh like I love that you want to go you like to do off on off on yeah I think it shows more strength to be able to start back up for one night and then bring it back like it like is that in the guidebook that no but I want to start my new a on my own a a right for me and my [ __ ] people where we where it's like where I where we set up rules where we go it does it like drinking days don't count unless they're followed by another drinking day if you go to day drinking days then you got to start all over you can't give a kid this is gonna be really popular with the sober it's funny man I think I'm like one of the older people that drinks to like you start looking at when people quit drinking people quit drinking like in their 30s that's when people go oh I'm done drinking no one does it to my age unless you are like a career drunk like anyone that's made it like a tell quit when he was like 35 yeah like no I'm starting looking around like the Canaries in the mine it's like me stand up and Ron white are they guys who are the only ones that really put back alcohol and then you start going like well it's just three of us like there's not a lot left Geraldo died like you start looking at everyone that's dead you're like holy [ __ ] my point is I want to do I want to set up my own AAA you should you familiar here throw these on real quick are you familiar and even following the norm stuff at all I wish I could express to you the excitement I have in my heart yeah I don't know what you're about to talk to talk about I loved nor McDonald more than anything and I think I'm about to be super excited you're gonna be very excited so check this out it's not playing I think you're not playing hello today we're going to make French Canadian poutine fries fries well this is cheese opposite of what I wanted really I thought you said nor McDonald I just said norm I'm gonna magically have you been a camp you've been to Canada yeah if you had poutine and of course however there's gonna be a bit of a change to the recipe change the recipe up these ones are going to have fries cheese pig [ __ ] and pig piss what is all this different it's like a little chastity thing you know like a punishment make sure all the fries are covered I love that he's mister rogering this why does this make you laugh ingredients I saw it I saw it I saw would you why are you laughing at what no I'm not no I'm not I'm not I'm not I can't look at that that's [ __ ] disgusting look no no no no no no no no no cause I'm gonna throw up no okay I can't do it he's eating it he's [ __ ] eating it what is wrong with him what is wrong with him like what happens to a guy like that he's just doing his Dom yeah this is Dhamma woman really really hot woman yeah it's gotta be like the hottest woman in the what oh he's also he'll give you a [ __ ] if you're in Calgary who's in Calgary yeah yeah okay awesome do we have anything else that we can watch this is the Millat for no no no no no no I'm bothered that you're crying laughing it's that you have tears coming out of your face that you're that happy that that isn't he didn't even wipe he just shits on it and then goes and sits back on the stool oh how are you gonna defend this to your children one day when you're long common they're in college and they're going what kind of this stuff made dad laugh yeah by the way I just realized this is a catch rag I have in my pocket my cat's rag yeah what's the catch rag here feel these little hard spots all over it this is [ __ ] gross all right we got it let's that's really cool let's let's put change Channel yeah you don't hear the review no no no no nope nope I can't believe you like that I don't like it how do you find that I threw up when I saw how did you find it what how did you find it I didn't find it someone emailed it to us yeah he saw his tick cups oh yeah so the same guy everyone was like me stick the whole time I kept wondering if I could do that you can do it I've got it good but it's give me a couple rubber bands so after we've played his TED Cup sweet somebody sent that in it's pretty funny though right because it's poutine poutine how much to let him spend the rest of the quarantine with you guys he's a really nice guy do you know him no I mean I've been dealing with him oh really yeah what does he say in the DM hey I'm like how'd you like my videos yeah just something like that want people to know that now is what he does now well he doesn't want to be like highly he doesn't want to do interviews but he's like talking you know I don't mind you playing my videos and it's I got a good laugh out of it and everything really yeah there's no it was really nice Oh what do you think happened to him he started BDSM stuff 15:15 yeah he's 50 73 now and so wait at 15 he started doing B and he just it just works for has just been building and building and building yeah he loves it Wow how can you look I mean I guess I go the same way people look at me probably drinking in an airport at 6:00 in the morning going how can you do that I look at him and I go how does that I guess it just fills something that's empty in him is that what it is could be this is so bizarre like I it's a reminder for Burt men no one that's so [ __ ] bizarre you wouldn't do something like that nope what's that say oh this is an old bird tweet oh yeah that was a real brilliant idea playing that game it must be nice to be an Orthodox Jew same clothes every day same friends since childhood and what is this a and all and all the chicks look the same when they hit 40 when is that from no that's from December 29th 2009 New Year's is that when you lives in yeah yeah sitting Jewish people were like to do as people okay I guess we are so yes I guess this is one-sided I guess Tom's never said anything negative about it no I definitely have oh this another one this ended up being like a bit right do that I did a bit like this well it's nice to go I'll talk to black people like black person please tell me that carries over to Asians Indians and the Deaf but this is my tweet I know I'm saying I did a bit about Segal and how he would like pander to whoever he was oh it was for me I just I I don't remember that but I remember it was big I would do it when I talked to black people on television you did that yeah yeah I did it a lot of it loud speak no is that what it's called daddy said I think it's called codes a lot of hosts will do that when they took like you talk to an old black man Lee Anne did at one time in a in a [ __ ] I wish I get the girls from her we were driving we had this like his dude it was just like real like like man we we don't begin to the airport kind of kind of late and he was driving us and lands like hit me and the girls in the car and thing goes when we be getting to the Air Guard I used to do it a lot of host TV hosts will do it when they talk to like an old black woman in the kitchen they be like so you just be bringing the love and you'll be like by the way I'm definitely guilty of it you can see it it's funny because you see it all over television it's super common okay but they but you don't do it to Asian people like for whatever reasons you don't find yourself one hole like and nodding but and that was the joke is you only do it to black people you don't do it to Mexicans right you don't do it to anyone but for some reason as a host and I'm I'm only gonna out myself but I will say that it is very common you see it a lot if you watch a lot of [ __ ] so if we pull up Travel Channel clips of you you definitely get one yeah definitely so what would you do you end up like you're at a theme park you're talking to people and then a black person walks up you'd be like what I think was the best man if I saw black people I [ __ ] light up because they give you a lot of energy on camera right away you get off in a rollercoaster a lot of white people you'd be like so what was our ID like and then they see the camera and immediately they go into corporate mode they'd be like was a lot of fun you know and they'll do white people will rephrase things they've seen on television if you ever ever ask a white person about a bite of a sandwich they're like it's great I get all the different textures I get the crispness of the bacon I get the fluffiness of the bun the cheese kind of just is all over the place it's really great all the flavors kind of come into want you like yeah cuz you're chewing it that's how you get it all into one you [ __ ] and so the trust me it's [ __ ] frustrating and then if they're black if a black person just is very real to this day one of my favorite things to do is watch any food travel DIY anything any of those ila doesn't with Asians no with if you just watch a white host with black people every [ __ ] time they go talk every time you can't help it man and you it's not you know I watched someone I watched someone I won't say who this is but you I think you can figure out who it is okay um he was on an island but the black do demise have been like 90 it sounded like the girl from airplane so no help say I don't give no help jive Turkey what are you doing please say I've never been this bad and I've done worse I've been worse yeah it's it's a way you think you're connecting you know yeah yeah I just something you know I did when I was I was a kid i I just because I so loved hip-hop yeah I would just think that like if somebody was black and older like 30s for a I was like this is something that will relate and I'm talking about as a kid eleven twelve and my dad is like such a honky that I would just be like let me talk to this person because like you're a cracker you don't know anything about yeah so one time they my parents hired I think these guys to paint like rooms in the house or something and these two black guys come over and I was like you know trying to make them feel comfortable and I was like sorry about my white parents you know like like okay and then I go sorry about the oppressors in the other room it took me I never thought about this for years it's startling I was like do you guys want to listen to music and they were like and I was like [Laughter] I know I got it so I got my boombox and I set it up and I oh I was like I got stuff you like oh yeah okay and I just put on imagine you're just painting by the way you're just you're at a wall and you're like well I'm gonna be doing this for hours and I was like here's some Public Enemy welcome to the terrordome [Laughter] and it was like you know are you guys hungry yeah I did one thing is like I insisted on like you gotta listen to this album front to back and then loud so my parents were like listening to I was like oh that's mine yeah in their house so loud it's all like Malcolm X [ __ ] and then they left and I was like oh I did that for you guys oh by the way I can do it I want to do an entire sketch on that like Tom comes in and he goes I my parents are white I'm sorry they made you use tape paintbrushes here's some spray paint paint cans gentlemen I know you guys enjoy painting like this oh my god that's [ __ ] great men oh I don't know hold on I'm not done with this that's [ __ ] hilarious I love when I because you know it's it's so funny there's so many times where you misstep we were trying to connect yeah and and it and it's viewed as negative but you're just trying to just trying yeah and it's like one of these guys was like 50-something he was like you could tell that he probably wanted to listen to something a little more low key and I was like this is your music oh I'm 12 and this is what I know oh my god that is so good what is it okay in comedy like that is that's pure comedy because it is you're a stone-faced like you're not yeah you're not I'm kind of funny um no not at all no I was genuine and I'm unaware of I'm just like I'm like you're black this is your national anthem you don't want to hear it oh yeah God that makes me [ __ ] laugh it's ridiculous this podcast is brought to you by Beachbody what does Beachbody on demand it comes as no surprise that while we're all stuck in our home we need to workout avoid the complacency it's more important now than ever to stay active and keep moving work out classes in the comfort of your own home with Beachbody on demand Beachbody on demand is the number one streaming service in my opinion that gives you instant access to over 1,300 super effective workouts suited for anybody at any 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up the toilet and entering your sink it's amazing nice pressure you just let that thing run I let it run for full cycles and you can feel the turds coming off of your ass it's absolutely incredible it starts at just $79 what could be better go - hello - she calm / Bears get 10% off your order once again hello - she calm / Bears and get 10% off your order stop using paper start hosing down your ass this has been a giggly episode and I'm gonna get a lot of [ __ ] backlash oh by the way shout-out to Dax Shepard yeah who sent me yeah Dax Shepherds I'm sure it's his podcast people sent me a shirt on and so I got a did you see him pull the [ __ ] pin out of his hand no by the way now I'm a huge Dax Shepard fan all of a sudden Zack Shepard that is Zack sent me the shirt and I was like I was like I was like I was like meant I didn't [ __ ] on him did I I was like I can't I [ __ ] his name up I by [ __ ] everyone's name and so I and so I googled him and I started like looking up stuff he's done checking on his podcast and then now I get him and Kristen Bell are in my newsfeed on my Google News because I googled them once now that's in my newsfeed oh and so I get everything on that what's going on in the news with them I'll tell you Dax gave a list of drugs that he hopes his daughters does and hopes his daughter doesn't to actually pull it up let's see what drugs - thinks his daughter should do and his daughter shouldn't do Kristen Bell just got critiqued by her daughter on whether or not she was a good stay-at-home mom teacher and then Kristen Bell fired back with a Touche or maybe that was not it here psychedelic drugs go up okay I thought was the first story it's it is right there yeah um I don't know if I'd be comfortable I would I want my daughter's never to do any drugs do you know what I mean yeah like I don't want them to do drugs i I don't want I wonder if they'll mushrooms at some point he wants them I don't think mushrooms I mean okay if you could go back before you read what he says they should or shouldn't do if you could go back and never have one drug experience and sit here today like Daniel Tosh or Dane Cook never [ __ ] with your brains chemistry whatsoever yeah I would argue that Daniel Tosh has never had coffee I would think I think he's had coffee I don't think he has I think I've had coffee with him okay then I'm wrong about that it Dame has never had coffee he hasn't no he's a big hot chocolate guy hot chocolate no I'm joking I don't know but I'm sure they've had coffee but this is so crazy to have that dude everybody just made my hot chocolate new this is how I start my day would you go back and never do a drug and be where you are today or are you comfortable where your brain is now I mean I'm I I am actually a proponent I like the psychedelic stuff through I'm saying like I'm a fan of you know going down that path but I think and all the other stuff the stimulants and the the you know the okay look it's not that you need to do any of those okay list of drugs let's see the drugs that I'm Dax said yeah not cocaine opiates stimulants and opiates I so those are the ones I'd be like you got to try those once really do cocaine is [ __ ] amazing you tell your daughter's at you I mean you're gonna have to say like what are you a [ __ ] child like yeah step up your [ __ ] game you're gonna have to try coke once you gonna tell them to step up their game hold on a second let's be real like like obviously this is a like a make-believe world I wouldn't want my daughter to ever get addicted to cocaine but you're like it's I don't know right you've done cocaine never are you serious it's never done it and I've wanted to try it it is awesome it is like it does you know it's like well you ever see a movie and you're like god dammit Tom Cruise is worth every [ __ ] cent they pay him yeah he is a great action story that's him holding on inside of the plane yeah that's cocaine but for real you put you do cocaine and you feel I remember being let's get some I'm I would love he know where to get some uh yeah I actually could figure that out pretty easily let's do a couple bumps like we should do cocaine on it didn't we talk about this once yeah do cocaine on the show just and just and just walk us through by the way yeah I remember doing coke and feeling like we were in New Orleans at Mardi Gras and I remember having a feeling during the day that I could rip this tree out of the earth it was it was like a freshly planted tree that I was like I definitely could rip that out of the earth but I'm smart enough to know not to call cause a stink everyone's new be like who the [ __ ] ripping trees out of the ground yeah it is amazing well the first time I did it it went it literally went I did all my I just went I'm sure I did my left nose first and it was frozen from this side over like I mean I'm talking like running this unit over here yeah just frozen and I remember going over to my buddy going I think I need one more bump Tim I this side of my face is kind of [ __ ] I'm feeling it too much I did the other nostril and then this side went numb and I went I feel pretty [ __ ] amazing I mean I went like a powerhouse all night I barely drank but you could have much coke did you do not that much just I've never been like every time I've ever done has just been a couple bumps I did it on accident one time hey do coke on accident so we were with my one of my buddies and he had like the little bullet where you like load it huh and then you flip the thing around and then yeah that's someone who's done coke I guaran-fucking-tee it answer it answer it all right hold on yeah ladies and gentlemen from honeydew Ryan Sickler hey sickle-cell hey we're doing a podcast right now have you done coke before cocaine what does that mean they have a recessed filter and she would scoop the coke and then hit the bump out of the filter then smoke or cigarette and one time I took half a bump out of that [ __ ] cigarette which of course it's not going to do anything and that's my extent of cocaine use oh okay how about like you were done like morphine or heroin yeah okay you ever you ever do like dust or meth or anything like that I heard you can really fight some like you fight like ten people when you're on that show all right we're just going through some hardcore drug stuff right now [Music] that's my extent I've never done acid told you my coke I've never touched heroin meth speed how about marijuana [Music] drugs Tom I wouldn't have these teeth I'm the Cal Ripkin of good teeth I've had two cavities in almost 50 years it's pretty wild yeah me too and I have the worst teeth in the world yeah no Bert you do not have two cavities two cavities I have them right now I'm never my first cavity is this one yeah 27 what's up College and we're kicking 40 yarders on the Reg 37 to 40 yard field goals on the Reg if you want to come work out with us come on down are you training him to be a kicker I trained them to be a kicker I told him if you want a college scholarship and you want to get into football and not be concussed and [ __ ] when it's all said we're not at the top third of the [ __ ] up right but they're going straight through and over the bar that's good man you guys got to just keep at it how old is he 16 he's like six two and eighty-five pounds yeah he's a big kid tall kid all right all right let me holler at you as soon as we're done here okay okay all right men do you think that uh that we could do a shoe show with dr. Drew where he kind of like almost like getting drugged with high getting Doug with high but we do me and you and sickle-cell mm-hmm do all the drugs right he's not gonna sign off on this drew no Vinoba drew just administer ism to us so like he finds us a healthy amount of cocaine and then we do it and then we walk you through the experience it's a great show for YouTube ya know it's a cool show I feel like dr. drew might be like I can't really be administering cocaine a healthy amount would you do a line of coke nugge very small yes yes and just go and be like this is what I feel like yeah and talk through it yeah yeah I've been wanting to do that okay let's do it so if I guess but I heard he told me because I was I was talking about this idea with drew I don't want to go to jail if I get cocaine for you no no you were fine but I asked drew about that and he was like he'd probably be fine with coke he said you specifically would might really lose yourself to meth if you even on one time I'm already [ __ ] around with speed I'm fine there's my problem no Drew's a [ __ ] buzz kill I don't even want to talk to him anymore every last time I talked to you like well I mean good ab striations on his liver it's like dude then what am i quitting drinking [ __ ] yeah last person I want to talk to 42 days sober you're not it's 42 days sober out of 45 43 come on one month 14 days 47 minutes that's not um yeah I have 42 days sober that's out of 45 40 or whatever 45 45 days yeah sober no that's how long I've been working on sobriety and 42 of them worked 43 42 whatever I don't know I don't like there's some half days I don't count I don't count certain things like what I don't count I don't count nyquil why cuz it you nyquil it doesn't help why cuz it's just help me go to bed look there's a lot of things I don't count how do I get into [ __ ] specifics how much need how much nyquil D drink two pills okay yeah I do two pills if I'm like here I pound the bottle like the liquid oh no I would love to though let me tell you something the reason I do two pills is that as I swear to God if I get the cough and I go I go to the top where it's spilling over yeah where I'm like holding it like this I I used it in high school if I was sick my mom would bring me the cup make a little cup in the bottle and I would just take the bottle and just tip it back and drink it you like em that is more than the gap like this yeah the know what we talking about before this though men nope I'm trying run for your children oh he is drew hey man with Burt and he is uh he's sobering to day 40 three days sober he's forty three days not in a row not in a row out of 45 days sober and I was like yeah I don't think they actually that's how they count sobriety is like ahead why but why not he wants to know why he can't start a program where you just try to not drink two days in a row and you counted that sobriety [Music] closer together I guarantee it I guarantee it many have tried and he also said if his liver has problems than whoa and through every time I talk to Drew he makes me want to start drinking yeah true maybe yeah no no uh by the way hold on give me your phone okay can I tell you something drew okay Tom wants to know Tom and I were thinking we do a web series where we experiment with drugs so we would try cocaine together not a lot just a little bit just enough to feel it and then kind of report back to the camera the YouTube community you would administer the drugs like you'd cut a line for us told you super easy to cut a line drew you take a credit card you crush it up you saying you don't know how to cut a line or you won't cut a line we want you to shot none we'd normally source human research clearance from a committee IRB committee yep and do formal research on you guys Nadav light it up there's a supplement called D H M that might help your liver a little bit finally there is is something that flipping a little bit like it might be helpful DHS number two yeah yeah yeah I know that he's doing videos for people with his shoulder hair and I think he does foot stuff too yeah he is he's feathering it and he's he said you know he started he's starting to do masturbation videos on camera too yeah yeah oh wait what's the liver supplement for a friend hm th and it's and it's it says hang almost like a D hm it's a hangover pill right okay [ __ ] doing great he's doing he's doing great you know he he drank Friday a lot a lot a lot like a lot a lot like a bunch of vodka bottle oh I will break every [ __ ] I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna start my own AAA and it's gonna be sober days not consecutive and it's gonna change the [ __ ] world religion why just do that he actually likes that idea a lot he's he he really feels like there's something too you know litt boss of sobriety mixed in with nights off and having fun you know good yeah drew I think it says more about my sobriety that I can get I can go off the reservation for a day party hardest [ __ ] go right back on the next day the binge alcohol convinces themself that they can control their use because that's how they approach it but as time goes on the binges get longer the durations between the binges get shorter and that's where it goes I think he'd like to see a little data on that if I run if I run into one of them drew I'll tell them yeah hey Ernie is there any company that you support these dhm pills with it's all the same thing so should I go with the Amazon choice of ease altra - yes yes you're good wait now I drew one last thing here he did make the point that he thinks it shows these are a Burt quote here weakness in those who I met like a long time in a row like ten years in a row he's like I think it shows more strength to be able to take sobriety drink and then be sober again that that's actually the stronger sober person yeah we call white-knuckling and yes if you're considering hanging on for dear life stronger than changing your life something that is sustainable I guess that's stronger yes we'll see all right thank you thank you for all this dr. drew talk to you soon all right bye-bye by the way I'm gonna have drew talking my funeral and I haven't just come up to the podium and go told you so and just walk off you're the opposite of jurors who's the opposite of drew Joey Diaz yeah let's just check in real with him let's check in with Joey Diaz so you'll do the show with us abroad show what's up Tarzan what are you doing you catching chickens on the street can you believe that they are on road hey I'm doing a podcast with Bert and I wanted to get your thought on something real quick would you would you be able would you want to do a video where we do little bits of drugs like a little bit of cocaine a little bit of dust a little bit and we just report on what the feelings are this is like an idea I want to try something like that I want to try [Laughter] that's oddly there [Laughter] really Burt's been sober for a while now he's been sober for 42 of 45 days I think he just wants to he's looking for a little my strength yeah when did you send that please send that send it right now all right man I love you his what do you think it's like you know you know when you go to have his brain yo you know when you go to bed and you're laying in bed and you're like like like you close your eyes you're like okay I got a busy day tomorrow I gotta do a podcast I gotta zoom I got a conference call oh [ __ ] why would you do this why would he do this my god wait wait make it big make it big wait make it do this this is not your headphones nobody do this all right for those listening this guy squinting hard with one eye and he's got a really thin firecracker way it's like a blackjack right right so I'm some trying to explain it to a listener though like it's wedged into the squint you know he's using either side of his eyelids to clasp this very thin firecracker okay volumes up what is he doing what is he doing why would he do that oh my god this is you can hear Joey it's Joey about Joey that's Joey laughing yeah he's like yeah that's Joey this is horrible man oh my god this guy's like I hurt my eye telling the doctor Jesus that is not a cure for coronavirus everybody Wow all right that what that you know let's see if there's the one that he sent have does it have the sound I like my new open chested look I think this is my new look I think I'm gonna what if I started with stand up like this by the way speak Joey's laugh yeah that's good I think it looks good that looks really good you know is this gonna be like you'll have to if you ever wear clothes again on stage you'll have to be a slow you know process yeah so first would have to be like open shirts like this yeah that's how you can't just go to putting clothes full you know that's why I started getting healthy I don't wanna have open-heart surgery and then not be able to do my shows without everyone going that's the motivation it's one of them I have a few motivations like that I'm running like crazy yeah I know it's just I just I don't know if I like there's an emptiness to working out hmm you know like it like cuz I I think to myself like what is the point I'm never gonna look like them right yeah like and I'm trying to work out pretty hard but like makes you feel good it makes you healthier stronger yes it's good for you it's probably good stress relief that's at times I feel better after I work out there you go good but like I don't know it's just odd it's an odd thing that you'd have to do that to feel better so a lot of people don't man at all what's percentage of this country you think doesn't work out at all oh my the reason I'm working out honestly is and not drinking is because the coronavirus though I'm not smoking cigars not smoking weed and not drinking honest a hundred percent because the corner virus really yeah because I've heard Joe's podcast I mean like I well I'm all jokes aside right now heard just podcast and I heard him say lowered immune system people who drink people who smoke people who don't sleep enough and I was like and don't work out I was like I'm all of those what they're finding actually is what's killing people a lot of times is your immune system going into overdrive so like an overactive immune system is actually what ends up killing some people your immune system reacts in such a big way to this virus that it ends up killing yourself so how do you lower your mute like how do you that's like something we don't really have figured out you know so that's what kex I say everything starts attacking your body organs your immune system your immune system goes crazy how crazy is it that like this country is really going the majority this country is like we're done well I do feel like right now like this week you know seems to be a better week you know newer cases are down like that that ID or all I get is bad news I've never gotten one bit of good news know if you start looking at the data it looks like like new cases are I mean it's all good everything's gonna change when the testing goes up but like hospitalizations have been trending down really yeah la had a really good at least a couple of couple of days a week this past weeks been good so then here's the question would you go and do a comedy club say in a month just but here's the thing you have to what's this it what does it look like in a month so say say 0 cases in in in Omaha and Colleen's like I'm gonna do half capacity where are you in yeah really yeah security that's the part I'm like I'm not sure of where I go I don't know like I want to get back on stage but i think i'd i think i don't know like really neat i really hope that within a month they do some type of if it's safe to do some type of shows that like stores or that'll be a fun show to go to it's there's no way they're gonna be able to keep it at half capacity you'll see yeah haven't we been having isn't it still on a downward slope here in California yeah that's what it is it is on a downward slope yeah so tell me cuz I think I'm confused on the rules of stay at home for me it is work it's like this mm-hm and then that's it but this is by permission though the city we're following guidelines so like so then like I'm feel like I'm I'm a little lost for the guidelines because I'll see people doing stuff online and then I'll like I don't know like it was really big everyone went and saw the dandelions right the poppy the poppy fields everyone a lot of people drove up the fog fields him we got a text from a friend saying hey do you want to go through the poppy fields I said that's not stay at home and I think you're right and he was like no you can do that and I was like I wouldn't let me and my girls and Leeanne go but then I saw the people go and I was like are we should he's just [ __ ] gone cuz you're only in your car like in it and then that becomes like that becomes kind of like public the public gets to decide it's almost like your behaviors and actions then get put out if you decide to put her on social media and whatnot for the public to decide if you're doing something wrong right hmm yeah I mean publicizing it's a different okay what about like so I think I texted you about this because my friends were having wanted to have people over they wanted a bus over it would be eight of us total and they're like why don't you guys come for dinner and I was like because I think that's not stay at home I don't think you should have friends come over right no okay and and the girls were pissed Liam was Pitt Liam wasn't pissed she if she sees this she'll be very angry she was Liam was like whatever you think is right will do but the girls were like come on let's get out of the house let's go to someone she's they're like they're like Dave in quarantine we've been quarantined we're all safe and then by the way friend text back they're like oh we have not been technically quarantined like we've definitely gone to other people's houses oh yeah it's like oh my god I would have just gone to your house and got in the [ __ ] Cove it yeah I think I think you're probably best to keep doing what you've been doing until they lift more restrict they're gonna miss is my brain right restriction this is my brain I and this is how I want my I operate is this right here I believe feed some sort of public service in that it's under the CDC guidelines people are looking for entertainment we are of doing like this is a job and we all kind of has made impact like do not go out this is our one get out of jail free is like coming to this podcast stay socially distant follow CDC guidelines but then I go I got to be in the house like literally every day after I haven't even gone to [ __ ] grocery stores yeah you should just keep the what you're doing they're gonna live they're gonna California has a plan to lift a bunch of restrictions in mid-may so just wait till then what percentage of this city do you think has been following CDC guidelines twenty maybe twenty percent twenty to thirty just I mean you look at the bus stops they're [ __ ] packed in the freeways yeah have more than you would think it's an interesting time in history to have lived through this to see what I would never have thought this could have happened of course in a million [ __ ] that's the most like surprising thing about this whole experience is that you know we didn't ever imagined this would happen ever imagined no I mean you've thought that a pandemic you know you studied everyone references a Spanish flu 19:18 you're like yeah dude that was before they [ __ ] had microwaves like they don't know anything there's [ __ ] dum-dums walking like you know didn't have medicine like you just go if anything comes we're so advanced someone will just you know press a button and and then you look at where we're at it [ __ ] really makes you realize that we're not we're not as strong it's like it's like you know what this is all reminded me of is I remember being in the I big grope in the ocean in Florida but I remember getting in the ocean in California and being like oh yeah it's the [ __ ] ocean it's not a big deal and my buddy's like oh the waves are a little stronger out here I was like I got it bro I've surfed I've know what I'm doing and I went out and I got and the waves were a lot bigger and I went and waters [ __ ] in the waters holy [ __ ] yeah I got pushed under and I felt like I got a bruise from a wave and I went yeah oh this is I don't know the strength and it started to pull me out I was like got scared that's what this whole experience is like being pulled out in an undertow where you're like oh this add a similar explosion is coming out here what do you mean I was just like oh the ocean yeah I've bound the ocean for years and then you go you know you're like holy [ __ ] like it's like you jumped into an ice bath and then it's yeah the undertow the waves its way strong it's a it's a totally different thing I mean a lot of Florida beaches are like going into a bathtub like 88 degree water and just like moving like a lake it's like one of these yeah what's the first thing okay right now they're like okay let's just say let's do let's do fantasy right now they're like hey just so you know we were wrong about the coronavirus all you got to do is turn your cellphone's off and we're gonna be fine we're gonna come up with a new it's 5g or whatever they're saying and they're like so you're good turn your cell phone off and you can do whatever you want what's the first thing you do what's the first thing you do if a pole pull the stay at home first thing I do that's a good question yeah I mean I actually realized that I kind of just want to be amongst as much as I always avoid crowds and everything I want to just be like around people I want to just go to like you know like a shopping area and walk into a restaurant walk into a coffee shop walk into a bookstore just like be like we walk around people that's how I wouldn't I want to go out to dinner tonight yeah it was good a restaurant thing I want to go out to dinner like I really the my days are fine I was retelling this earlier but my nights were a little depressing I don't know is because I'm not boozing so I like have nothing to look forward to like I just feel like you're like oh great turn-on okay yeah and then what times bed soon let's go to bed yeah no I restaurant as I'm saying social environment is what I would want to be around you know yeah and then stop seeing people with their dumb [ __ ] masks on - maybe he's gonna hit somebody wearing a mask just go rip mass off people's faces yeah just spit in their face yeah great had you any extra tampons in your car no oh because Nadav needs one his pussy's been bleeding really yeah thrill hey real quick listen no just to be fair about this yeah let's real quick Google real quick if you can the daav when men became attractive just so we give a full circle so like go to 1940s met men 1940s man oh I got it this is what you were getting at yeah look at how sharp this guy look at this guy no no go back down a zoot suit [ __ ] riot guy go to the [ __ ] guy go to the first look at these guys they all look at this guy on the right vintage man oh yeah I mean he's got it going on so that's the power dynamic must have been amazing back then right because like they had all the jobs all the money then you had those [ __ ] basset hounds walking around in bathing suits and then these guys look at [ __ ] even mediocre men were good-looking cuz you didn't have the there were the I bet the average over the average weight of a man I bet everyone every man was like perfect body weight I bet a lot more were that they're definitely pay me give me 19 give me 19 1900s man okay it's on there Jesus Christ okay I guess we can find the date when men got attractive oh Jesus they all look like [ __ ] dandies and I guess they'd be attractive Brooklyn real animals back then oh okay okay give me 1920s man this is right around World War one there's one they started getting attractive I think this is when you yeah oh no oh God oh the Black Sox are playing today okay you already have hats like that I do have a hat like that yeah okay these outfits are [ __ ] ridiculous they are so people roughly became attractive in the 40s and 50s I think so this is safe safe bet good analysis no one was ever attractive before that all right we got to wrap up you want to watch the poutine one more time before we go let's do it we've read to do okay thank you guys oh why did cuz what do you mean why the [ __ ] you need one shut up so um was I gonna tell you oh thanks for listening oh we have the the update is this couple things first of all wheeler Walker jr. we're both big fans new album a new greatest hits album called [ __ ] you [ __ ] is out should be out right now a lot of people scooped up the we have new two bears two vices shirts we're we're bears and one has ten milligrams and one has booze that's the new two berries don't think I've seen that one that's the one I sent out yeah oh oh that's yeah go do them oh yeah tie-dye one is limited edition or like I did one and then the update on the hats I get asked about the hats every day a lot a lot well that's [ __ ] shirt yeah those are pretty cool those are supposed to come in May which is this month if you're watching this as it comes out so as soon as they're come out you notice think we should do because I'm seriously never been asked about something like that hat and it is limited edition we should do an IG live together where we in like we put them up cuz they'll go right away we should do it okay I did one of those I did that that zoom for with 500 people yeah how's that go alright quite cold um yeah yeah yeah it was it was [ __ ] awesome you know what not to say that there's any public service but you know who it was really fun for the a lot there were a lot of people that are single that are just stuck in an apartment and he's been out to sometimes like I would talk to anyone like a [ __ ] week music thank you so much Oh what the [ __ ] can he was like oh this is like and so that's really cool is when you see like who organized it I did know but like who organ like had it who put it together like made it work Oh me you told me to zoom you just get a an upgraded zoom account yeah and then I said to my people I was like I think we can do like you can do that 3000 people I want to do it for a fundraiser Leon alright I'll talk to you about it alright alright thank you guys for listening and watching love you we're looking - all right guys Bert one goes tops while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories and Burt's not machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean ears swept the call to bears homepage no scripts appear to boos amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call - there's one cave [Music]

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 866,954

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: r_GcmUWaa_8

Length: 82min 53sec (4973 seconds)

Published: Mon May 04 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BitterMeanPrick]

I lost it at the Joey Diaz call

[u/fuckitimatwork]

at about 28:00 Tom finally makes Bert shut the fuck up about "sobriety" and shows him some Norm videos

Tom gets so much fucking JOY from making people uncomfortable, it's amazing

[u/ShillyMadison]

"Marilyn Monroe might be the first attractive woman"

Jesus Christ Bert

Also, ridiculously searing white hot take on AA/drinking. A masterclass in mental gymnastics

[u/mekimoomoo]

Tom's story about playing public enemy for some painters when he was a kid had me laughing so hard.

[u/RoyTheReaper91]

I get the impression that Bert is oblivious to the term "moderation". Still love the podcast and enjoy listening to these two talk shop.

[u/[deleted]]

Going by berts logic, if I drink every other day for a year does that mean Im 182 days sober??

[u/davidyowsjeans]

I really appreciate tom stepping in to derail bert’s sobriety philosophy to make him retch.

[u/igotpetdeers]

I know all of you have been saying bert is unbearable every single episode.

But this is the first episode I personally thought he was way extra. When this podcast first started it was hilarious. Multiple parts in each one making me laugh out loud. Not bert trying to get around admitting he's an alcoholic that can't stop

[u/Steamboatcarl]

Lmao I feel like they cut at 36:18ish