Ep. 37 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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middle of it I feel like I'm I feel like I haven't lost any weight let's talk about it I'll be recording I think so so do you think just let's pause one moment here you just said I feel like I haven't lost any weight but you also have a half gallon of kool-aid here do you think drugs would be everywhere do you think it contributes no it doesn't contribute five calories I had half a gallon five calories he's so [ __ ] good why would you choose to drink water when you get up kool-aid I got to understand why anyone would have just water like it's so stupid let me ask you this because this is kind of interesting calorically talking how many donuts do you think you could smash if they're like the classic Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Oh easily twelve a dozen easily a dozen if you brought in a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts I'd almost bet I did not just hear someone oh shut the [ __ ] up how long have you how long have you had these in there oh [ __ ] yes oh one second one second on't push because there's coffee here okay sweet what what are the different these are just glazed yeah Oh bro bro dozen oh I almost certain like how many calories in a dozen there's like let me just [ __ ] up my calorie and say there's five each how many calories are in a dozen Krispy Kremes don't tell them the truth oh there's only a hundred and ninety calories per donut oh it's only a hundred and ninety calories that's not bad two four six eight ten that's 800 calories right there that's a thousand calories 1200 calories 14 this is a daily caloric intake one day of food right here if I eat this I can't eat again okay should start with one yeah Dean how many bites do you think you take on it on it this is probably four or five Krispy Kreme does it right are they and cancelled or something I don't know I the one I'm I have to turn the other cheek and bigger I don't know what they're doing over there but they make good doughnuts pretty damn good we have a microwave here uh-huh there's a hot Krispy Kreme donut is a one biter want to heat them up let's just heat two up eight seconds if you heat it by the way this is how often eat Krispy Kremes type in how long to heat up a Krispy Kreme donut it's eight seconds okay I've eaten a lot of Krispy Kreme donuts lately is eight seconds island I found that eight seconds is the perfect time from a place here yeah oh yeah he's got doughnuts right there they're so [ __ ] good yeah they're so good they're so good mi do it I'm gonna do it coffee tip this time I like that you're in I feel so good maybe five bucks for your head up like my eyes struggle in the back of my head I'm almost here sex talk yeah like it's amazing people don't talk during eating the way they talked during [ __ ] look how cool did restaurant be if people talked like food was that good that they talked like they were snack like having sex mm-hmm these are everyone yeah [ __ ] right oh come on [ __ ] what's on that microphone oh I hope it's icing or I'm eating something oh I'll just chewed up icing oh yeah we did a coffee tasting segment for Travel Channel one time yeah it sucks that I don't really talk about all those things I did a Travel Channel's it was such a cool life experience what do you mean you talk about it I know but I don't talk about it enough like I should be like us one-man show about it where I just because it was really interesting but we did a coffee tasting segment yeah Paris across from the Notre Dom and there's a hot is that hot should I test to see if it burns my mouth how long did you put it in for did you not hear me say eight seconds didn't hear you it's remember when I say eight seconds he didn't eat in here it's fine it's fine you realize this is [ __ ] lava it's yeah it is gotta put pizza in 4:30 pretty high no no what's going on it's really hot 30 seconds who the [ __ ] yeah I don't know he's still live with his parents I'm gonna put these in for 8:00 yeah but it's so [ __ ] hot okay yeah I'm gonna see you back hey hey hey hey will you put earthers for both of us yeah okay Goten one one is 8y Emma okay this podcast is brought to you by Krispy Kreme Krispy Kreme making donuts since 1952 Krispy Kreme was started by a but I think Krispy Kreme would be a great nickname for a porn star don't you what's her name Kristy cream Krispy Kreme it said this is so hot it's burnt on the bottom God icing is so good glaze glaze I'm sorry glaze but did am i right I'll go right to the [ __ ] faccia oh yeah laughing pervert if you had to [ __ ] a meal like all the meals you have where you go I bet in the bet bet this one's perfect right now it is so [ __ ] hot how the [ __ ] did he do I mean I could put it in the box close it would warm up the upper all right those are so [ __ ] yeah I mean how many more you think you can handle I'll just keep eating like this would get me out of bed when I was a kid I love that came my fingers there's no better like it's so weird build like don't like you licking your fingers what is it I guarantee we're losing some listeners right now yeah this podcast is brought to you by licking your fingers oh my god why use a napkin when God gave you one oh hey sick are you because I'm just started wash it down a little kool-aid miss Puckett's brought to you by diabetes you're not kidding ooh Russell Peters yeah my hands are so sticky right now yeah I feel like I was molesting control all right let's call Russell Peters damn it it feels so good how many of you why have you eaten so many more had to you know that had to you know you haven't had to oh hey Tom and I are eating Krispy Kreme donut and we're recording this time we're recording this yeah we were just on a diet and then he brought in a dozen two dozen Krispy Kreme done are [ __ ] them up how many think how many do you think you could eat in one sitting and pretend my acid reflux checked in and then I think I should oil for a month yeah that sounds right we're gonna feel [ __ ] up after this hey you had you had a Bernie Mac DL Hughley and what Bernie Mac hey Russell how's Bernie doing Bernie max centered the Entertainer I met my bad yes you had all those guys of you guys had them too had them all over your house the other night right Angelo a couple of weeks ago was that DL Duane Martin and Jay Phillips yeah what do you guys what were you guys doing just smoking cigars why wouldn't you invite Tom and I Tom doesn't answer is fall and you look like you're in bed by night I go to bed pretty early I'm Tom and I would really love next time you do something that would really love to go but you have to introduce us as very funny comedians I did not know who we are we've gone through this we checked with Neal Brennan he says nobody black knows where we are we'll check his to check his Instagram I think you might be wrong about that yeah oh I find that Seinfeld knows who you are no you didn't yeah I did yes Russell knows a lot of life Russell please invite me in Tom to the next party no I do not hey uh real quick do you know any famous Hindu people that was this full name I just thought he was just Gandhi like Madonna Mahatma Gandhi's his last name Oh interesting interesting Tandy that's interesting okay well it turns out get go go ahead say it Deepak Chopra I love that guy's books keep going Russell Russell Burt Burt wants to know John J yeah yeah Russell can is there it are there any famous Hindu people that that you can give birth there phone he wants to talk to somebody I want to walk through what I like about this religion no no but I I'll get to know him I'll have them on my podcast yeah you know watch sharma he's a good dude funny comics okay Texas you lose out here oh I know who talking about I'm sorry yes yes yes I do okay I'll get them on my podcast oh I love you Russell alright I'm gonna text you later on we want to come over to your house and have drinks and cigars hard pass okay well alright bye Russ by Russell I love him he's great um sweet give me a break okay we are full [ __ ] hour 15 yeah all right my hands are so sticky right now you know the reason I'm like uh oranges when I was a kid is because in Florida we'd ride into an orange grove pick oranges eat oranges and then my hands get sticky I'll start the [ __ ] worst how many things about Florida I think that not everyone appreciates like how sticky the oranges are grapefruits we got introduced to grapefruits at a very young age that's true yeah I remember we getting hit with a grapefruit what are you doing Dolf hands and hands he's doing a great job yeah do you think we're getting better along better because of his behavior or my behavior I think it's a combination of Oh hand sanitizer sighs thanks man thanks feels much better hey we just spread around the icing yeah just end it out yeah put some in your beard do use beard sobs like I need to I don't I believe makes my skin break out really beard oil and stuff beautiful makes my skin break out I'm starting out acid reflux now this is when you got to go in harder hey we found that buccal ailee picture yes this is the one we were looking for two episodes ago yeah and and this is when I found out I was fat yes this is so great there it is I didn't know I was you're so happy in it though I was so happy look at my side tit I know but also the like your arm really fills out that sleeve god I didn't know I was fat you know sometimes with being fat it's the clothes you're wearing yeah like it's like I think that was a large tank top and so when you put just a large on an XL body an XL body you spill out of it yeah dude the saddest I've ever been that same day they were like it's a little cold and you want to cover up do you want to wear a wetsuit no way oh yeah yeah yeah so they had which had a picture of this they had a spring suit that was just like a tank top yeah and I put it on and I thought I looked good and I walked out and everyone in the crew is like no and then when is it bad and they're like you you ever looked in a mirror I said no and they're like okay I would just take it off and not look at yourself but if you want to see in the mirror you'll take it off and I looked Tom my tits were spilling out the sides yeah and it just looked like it looked so [ __ ] disgusting that I I literally took it off Amelia I want surfing in a shirt swimming in the shirts the most embarrassing thing you can do as a fat guy yeah yeah when you have to swim in a shirt especially like oh I think it's more it's worse when you're like young though right like a young like a kid you see a kid in a shirt yeah it's interesting Leanne says I only have empathy for people that experience the things I experienced she says you have and I think it's true I think a lot of people have a hard time empathizing for [ __ ] they didn't go through yeah no it's like go with the me to movement I think it's part of listening there's when they came out a lot of guys were like wait what but like you know but that's yeah that's usually I mean and women are like oh that's it should I go through so I I connect immediately with all women and of course and my me to movement would be kids fat kids and sweat swimming in shirts yeah that should sucks oh yeah a giver like what do you burn easy mm-hmm no no not at all really you know sunburn nobody I'm sure I'm getting skin cancer you sure you're getting it I'm certain why I think I'm having my lip why because my lip would burn so bad as a kid yeah just bubble my mom never put anything on it and then I just and it's out there now like when I like look I have a hard time would like it not getting us on yeah like for when I don't have beer this is really white cuz this cast a shadow yeah your lip hangs hangs to the hangs it hangs one of my like one when I was in high school and I noticed this is like when pictures started happening yeah catch yourself in pictures high school college is if I wasn't prepared for the picture I look like a lute I look like I'd be like and so like I started being cognizant if there's a camera to be like I'll pull it back yeah pull my lip back because it just hangs there yeah you have a cousin who in pictures he's always the key always goes I'm like what are you doing man like every picture I have you you're like dude he's like he doesn't like his teeth or something so you I think people's behavior in front of the camera has gotten so much better because of cell phones mmm because I mean I I didn't know how to take a picture like when I remember in college people would take pictures and I'd be like I'm burping up donut right now I'm chasing him kool-aid wasn't but like I just didn't know what to do when I took a picture and that's why when cell phones start first started coming out I always went like this yes because I didn't know what to do when you took a picture I didn't I felt weird smiling you had a CD album cover like that yeah yeah I did that all the time because I didn't know what to do cause I didn't know how to smile and I never took pictures as a kid well it does feel weird I don't know maybe because we're so self-conscious as comedians but you know just the idea that hey there's a camera and just to always go like over it I noticed that I noticed that my my smile is lopsided uh-huh like one of my sides is lower than the other side and I try to correct it but when I do it looks weird that look like a good smile yeah it chase leopard has the picture of me when I had long hair and I parted it down the middle and yeah that's a good way I'm getting my teeth redone you are yeah I'm gonna get all new teeth when real big real bright what are you getting your teeth I don't know real soon for real yeah when I get done this tour I'm gonna get all [ __ ] brand-new teeth and real big real bright so that I look [ __ ] weird cuz I think that's not like you've got real teeth right right there's nothing has happened to those nothing Christine does she have real teeth she has mostly real teeth pull up Christina Road rules I want to see what Christina Road rules look look I can't tell you I'm still have a hard time getting past the fact she was on road rules really I [ __ ] love that show so much is that her real teeth yeah she's got she's one she had one tooth chip so that's what I'm saying it's no she basically has a I think look at how [ __ ] thick her hair is mm-hmm wait go go go scroll no no no go back to the knot early stand up I want road rules Christina I can this isn't crazy I knew so much about your wife and Susy they were like best friends yeah what is it you did Road rules Christina okay you ever go back and watch have you watched any of the old episodes long time ago I watched like one episode that's your wife I know aren't you curious I mean it's a reality show yeah but it's so can you believe she became a successful comedian do you know there she is oh that's from the challenge where right that hook that photo right there that's from back in the day god this is gonna make me [ __ ] right now well the pictures your wife know the sugar the sugar oh my god you're going to [ __ ] right now are you serious I wish I could do that okay what if I put my dick all over these doughnuts on his eye would you tell him why would you tell him if I just painted his doughnuts with my [ __ ] okay one more top you know I can't hear you this is can I tell you this is why we have a disconnect yeah cuz I don't talk to you like that right but if you want any like that well because then people can't hear what I'm saying to you so it just sounds like you're having a quiet conversation no don't not that the level of what you're speaking you're going to put your [ __ ] headphones on I don't say it like that [ __ ] I say put your [ __ ] headphones on you just said it right you said you couldn't hear me so I said how bout you put your headphones on you did not say how about you said put your [ __ ] headphones on I don't think so hey hang on Chris are you in there he is did he say put your [ __ ] headphones on he said put your headphones on you didn't not say put your [ __ ] headphones on he never said [ __ ] see it's a disconnect it's a disconnect I don't hear you here's the thing Bert is that you always think I'm way more aggressive to you than you realize oh you're right you're dead you're definitely right you're definitely right no I know I heard you say that and I my skin crawls and I go put your [ __ ] headphones on I go why would he talk to me like that like I feel like we're getting along and then also you say that but you did not say that right I didn't I didn't say it aggressively at all you didn't say put your way at all right and I think that's I think that's where you know maybe some the pent-up aggression might might start building up is that we kind of miss read each other sometimes because we don't listen to each other I agree I would agree with that cuz you know Bert I really like you man do you really yeah i legit liked working with you I think I think every time you come in here I have a great time except for you know when you think I'm being aggressive and then you reacted it's so it's so funny it just happened but it really didn't happen right no it was entirely coming from me right I completely agree with you that's happened a number of times hasn't it yeah and I mean some might say that it's just like a complete nightmare you know yeah for both of us well I apologize Bert apology accepted and you know what like I feel like if my reactions might have been overly aggressive to you in the past it was always just a reaction to you thinking I was aggressive to you it happened right there and I swear to God if Chris wasn't in there and telling me I was wrong I would have sincerely believed that you said that to me because that and that is the base of it is me miss reading you know yeah and like anytime that you felt me being aggressive to you has always been just me reacting to you being aggressive it's so funny you know my you know my mantra that [ __ ] with my head what I've talked about it on Rogan and it's it's it it's old-school see I'm sure it has to do with self-esteem and I think a lot of comics pretend like a lot of people think comics have super big self esteems but my thing and this is what is what bothered me with the re thing getting drugged was my mantra that keeps me up at night is so you think I'm weak like that's what I goes over and over my head is like oh people think I'm weak but I'm not I know I don't think people actually think that but I may think that about myself and so when I hear stuff like that it clicks my mantra of like why are you talking to me like that like do you think do you think I'm weak like do you and it's like start projecting I started [ __ ] I shut down and I turned into a dick I have a hard time with breaking balls with people I'm better to have balls broken on me does that make sense no yeah and I totally get it the second I try to break someone's balls it comes out very mean right yeah I've definitely noticed that over the last guy have I done that to you yeah you've done it quite a few episodes in a row since quarantine for real yeah yeah yeah I mean that's why I you know that's why we probably had that bickering back and forth last episode is cuz I you know you were just being a you're probably reacting to something that you thought was me being aggressive and then I just like I definitely was reacting I'm sure I was now and I said I was probably definitely reacting yeah and I mean that's the thing is that like I'm not holding on to any of this stuff because you know because I no like oh well Bert doesn't think he was being aggressed like he's not doing this stuff on purpose ice actually Tom about it and I was like hey is there do we have a problem he ended of and he was like no he likes you I think that you by the way you really missed a [ __ ] very interesting interaction have you ever seriously considered the underwear that Grace's your nether regions you've got some important stuff down there you know thankfully me on DS has which is why they're changing a game with softer than soft sustainable undies in fun prints like unicorns and lots of colors so you can be comfortable in being you inside and out I'm not a big underwear guy that's gonna probably not surprise you but when I do wear underwear is when I run and I run I've run 400 miles over quarantine and I'm always running in me on these they are so comfortable I just run in my underwear then jump in the pool with them I love them you know what's the worst thing possible an empty underwear drawer that's because all the dirty laundry well the good thing you can get with me undies is that me on these membership and eradicate that terribleness forever me undies offers matching pairs where you and your partner can wear the same undies so in other words your bottom half can match with your better half communities are available in ranges of sizes from small extra small to four XL me 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work to get you switched if you own a car are as well policy genius will compare your home and auto policies across different insurers and even mix-and-match to find you savings they've saved their customers an average of one thousand one hundred twenty seven dollars per year just doing that so if you'd like to put a little cash back in your pocket right now see how much you can save by reshaping your home insurance rates at policy genius.com you want to fill me in I don't it might take a while so you know how I was gone for two minutes yeah I know but a lot happened in that two minutes and off but it would take two minutes to exploit just tell me so I don't know how it started but I said something about on we were talking and I said and and the dog said I'm gonna keep these on okay he goes put put your headphones on but I heard put your [ __ ] headphones on and I shut down again I went and I called him I said why would you talk to me like that and then he was like I didn't I was like [ __ ] I just [ __ ] heard it and he was like no you didn't and I was like Chris did he say put your [ __ ] headphones on by the way they're still yelling in there we can't hear you can't hear us put your [ __ ] headphones on so I put my headphones on and Chris goes he did not say that and I said he did not and he was like he did not and I was like I didn't and that's what what's been the problem is you're reading miss reading me and getting defensive and you and then you flare up that's interesting it is well I talked to you about this the other day so I was like I feel like the DOM and I are having butting heads and I like Nadav and I don't understand but it cuts into this narrative of of you know like I I was saying I have a time letting people break my balls then busting people's balls every time I bust someone's balls they miss read it or I come off wrong and I hurt their feelings or I seem mean mm-hmm so I don't that's why I don't do roasts or anything because my version of ball breaking comes off a little nasty I don't know why I don't know is that true I'm trying to think yeah I mean I just know every time I've ever made a joke about someone to another comic it comes off like they always pull me aside and I'm like hey man did you mean that and you're like how come everyone can do it to me but I can't do it anyone else and I think it's the way I do it may become I don't know I think what's reason I'll talk about politics on stages because I for some reason when I do it it sounds like I like I'm I'm I'm disqualifying other people or I like it doesn't that's why I kind of just stay with having fun and just telling jokes as opposed to trying to get political or take like a stance which I'm sure it's sure that's the choice I mean like I do basically the same thing I don't do political humor yeah and and and it's the same thing is that maybe I'm not my breaking of madhabs balls always comes post me miss reading something he's doing that is the more astute observation I think it's that you're commenting after you've read something that you didn't necessarily read correctly yeah yeah what do you think Nadav no yeah I mean I completely agree cuz like like I mean I might have gotten a little frustrated with Burt in the past but it's not because Burt is trying to be like that intentional like he does it he's not doing that on purpose you know he's not doing what the I don't know call it calling me out on doing stuff wrong when he hasn't really yeah but it like that's what I think it is that I think it's like Miss reading stuff and then that becomes like an echo chamber feedback loop and there's just miss reading a miss read a mystery to miss Reed oh yeah like the like you googling celebrity news yeah I was getting very frustrated because I couldn't explain to you what was happening but I saw what was happening yeah I'm really bad at I'm that's why Leon doesn't let me teach the kids and that's why I'm having a hard time teaching George I had to drive because the things I do you want me to come over I would love it i'm really bad at teaching george how to drive like it it turns into a fight every [ __ ] time okay and so i'm like and i because i'm for whatever reason i I pick out little tiny things to focus on huh and I don't just tell them I just don't give the thing and let people do it yeah I kind of mmm micromanage it and then and I was in the celebrity news which is [ __ ] comical if you watch it in hindsight yeah cuz and but it's me browbeating I'm just not really good at giving directions or being like I'm not gonna because you think like like this and you want people to risk what people to be ahead of me and be with me yeah and I find it a nickel for every time on trip flip or on Travel Channel I said [ __ ] you I'll just do it myself yeah and I would I man lost my [ __ ] so many times like on your crew oh yeah oh god yeah he done with the [ __ ] indigestion no oh yeah by the way the dog wouldn't let me put my dick on your doughnuts that's how it started as I said hey if I put my dick on his Nonna's where you guys tell him and dog goes I'm definitely telling him he's my boss and then I went why would you why wouldn't you wanna have fun then he was put then I thought he said put your [ __ ] headphones on so then I was like that's how this started you left that out of the first time I've talked about Nadab with LeAnn you did yeah I [ __ ] so big in there Artur soft soft always soft laughter sugar it is really yeah makes me sad do you work out yesterday yeah you already did yesterday no today not today no you gonna work out later yeah what do you do powerlifting yeah but I'm boxing today no for real yeah I took yesterday off from running and I felt so good like it I think I lose weight if I take a day off and that's how crazy take multiple days hmm well maybe I'll take a month off I think I'm definitely taking three weeks off oh yeah you're gonna party hard we should do a before and after photo like the day you leave me just a [ __ ] six doughnuts I know but the day like your bus trip with the booze and the I'll late nights three weeks of that when you come back do you remember episode one of this podcast you looked like ten pounds of [ __ ] wait let me see it hold on bag hey I've been really good tuna dog like was by saying please and stuff right yeah yeah yeah I wonder if I'm just I wonder if I'm just difficult diseases oh hold on because I remember specific you were like sweating and red and I don't know if there's like a close-up on you like oh my god that's when everyone was calling me Chinese it was so great funny is like I didn't know you don't know you look like that yeah you just think you look good me too I'm the same mm-hm and then you see it then you're like god damn elected why did we change we it used to be a straight yeah we used to face out but I think it's better to face each other I think it is - yeah yeah um you never know that's why I'm so glad we stopped with those other hashtags in the past because what was that what you know I've started actually smelling like [ __ ] now like I did but I just go I'm I want can I tell you what I want to do yeah when we get back to meet and greets I don't want a shower and I want to really smell like [ __ ] just to see the look on people's face and like oh you really smell like [ __ ] man would you ever do a thing where you run let's say five days in a row I do it already but not shower after any one of those you can't why because I by the way I have done that what happens is you've got to clean the [ __ ] off your balls and stuff okay let's say you just do that just clean my balls yeah I could do it no harpy clean your [ __ ] in your balls [ __ ] and balls a hundred percent and then just let the funk grow if you mean I'll tell you what I could definitely do is I could definitely do five days of running just pool showers just no soap just pull showers mhm easy and do you still stink after that Oh Bres ibly yeah like today I just did a pool shower and I didn't put deodorant on and I was like I was like I don't even care if I smell it just makes it funnier yeah I kind of like it you can't like smelling I love smelling it so it's a [ __ ] it's a Power Move it is it is its aggressive someone its aggressive I did I went I hope you'll and was doing a podcast yesterday and the man cave on Zoom and I went in and I went to give her a kiss and she winced really my breath was so bad just woken up and I wanted to give a kiss but maybe brush her teeth I was like really do you how quick do you brush your teeth when you wake up within a few minutes great when do you brush your teeth who the [ __ ] rises that when they wake up that is insane are you saying that cuz you're on camera there's no way you brush you there's no way you wake up you go brush your teeth I'll tell you exactly what I do that's so obsessive-compulsive i disgusting when I actually like first there's the wake up I'm a slow riser so like I'm like a [ __ ] polar bear yeah and I take a minute to get out of bed okay more than a minute okay wait wait walk me through this eyes wake up and then you know how often how first of all I sleep with a hostage mask around my face around my ears and everything okay why because I'd like it black out can't try not to hear things yeah I want to be scared my sleep so I sleep deep the [ __ ] you know I have a model I literally let's take this slower than faster okay lots of covers know how no I have a cover but not lots of covers like well I I have a sheet a cover and a comforter on me just the comforter okay how cold is it in this room I'd like it to be colder but I got the old [ __ ] you know 68 degrees in my room that'd be great yeah right I'm blacked out windows would like murdered out dark so dark yeah I like it dark yeah I love it that's why I sleep with the mask on to make it extra dark is Christina still in better is she already out of bed by the time I get up yeah she's out of bed so he's you by yourself in bed yeah she murdered out mass em hmm one comforter yep you what are you wearing just boxers just boxers to sleep in but well boxer briefs that's all I wear really that's all I sleep in sweatpants you see what sweat pants so now I usually make it but the girls one time they saw my dick and so I had to start wearing what do they say about it uh oh my god it's dad's vagina it was during an earthquake I ran into the bedroom and there was an earthquake I was freaked out I was naked and then as soon as that happened Lee I was like you need to be wearing clothes when you go to bed so if anything happens you're clothed yeah so ice now I wear sweatpants that's been probably nine years ago are they pretty light sweatpants yeah yeah we're really good sweatpants okay yeah and then so I get up and when I finally sit up this to be a TV show yeah is literally I'm so curious about the small things in people's lives like cuz that's the cool thing about dating someone slow Reiser did when you date someone for the first time you get to see their rituals I dated a chick who put her pajama like we slept in the same bed and then she put her pajamas under the pillow and I went what are you doing if she goes oh everyone does that I was like no one does that she was like are you sure and I was like yeah Yama's under the pillow yeah so they're ready for the next day yeah so she knows where to find them they're under the pillow but it was like it's so question like 17:56 sound and [ __ ] you know right yeah like does she throw her piss out the window - uh no no no no no no but I'll tell you man that's I that always fascinated me mmm and I've been waiting I mean I mean now I'm just Leeanne but Leeanne was an interesting person when you first sleep with someone like not just [ __ ] them yeah sleep with them yeah you're like I'm gonna sleep at your house Leeanne would lose hair in the bed like there's hair all over her pillow yeah and I was like what the [ __ ] oh I can't sleep with this there's gonna be hair in my mouth yeah and then all the sudden you start to like it and you're like oh I missed like yeah you ripped when you sleep right yeah and how does she deal she just deals with it she moves through the couch she we're building another room for her in our new house really like a little have you've ever slept with a snore guard no why not cuz I'm a man but you sleep better they I'm not gonna sleep with something in my mouth why don't I have stuff in my hands to like what no I sleep it's but I'm out it just keeps your no Jerry no no but you wouldn't want to have a deeper sleep yeah I would love that that's what they can help you with that you have one yeah give a snore guard yes where did you get it the dentist [ __ ] yeah yes I used to buy the one that you buy online like on the commercials like hey put this at night and I and then when I went to a dentist and if we talked about it he was like you can get like a custom-made one that is the [ __ ] and then ice not only they stop snoring you sleep deeper because that snoring is like you basically waking yourself up all the time in your sleep so wait tell me about the snore guard it's just a mouth guard that keeps your lower you like having [ __ ] on you when you see like a face mask ears you know like I I go like frontier-style like just yeah nothing this is a big game changer feels like I snore more we pull up a picture of a snore guard please and the dog that's pretty nice you're so polite bird I love this version just like that just like it this is what I should be like just like these backs up you're getting a custom-made one Oh like a grill it's just a mouth guard can you get like gold fronts on it you could probably ask how [ __ ] funny if you had gold teeth where you slept first nor guard and you just look like all wall [Music] donut come on man no no no let's go back to this so you're not even eating doughnuts so let's go back to this so you you wake up you said it doesn't easy I know everybody over shot I don't eat all my calories in one sitting today so so you wake up and then you just roll around in bed do you grab your phone yeah a lot of mornings I'll grab the phone and you know start looking at texts and emails and sometimes news but I if I if I'm like aware of myself I try not to do that first you know I try to and then I get up I sit up on the edge of the bed I'm like [ __ ] you sit up on the edge of the bed like brace you're solving yeah mmm and then it's almost immediately always to take a leak you know I got wake up and I go take a leak I've already pissed I usually piss around 5:00 in the morning sometimes I've done that but I usually take that I do that first piss and then I walk to the sink and I brush my teeth you go right to the sinking from the pisser yeah now here's what I'm asking you do you think that most people don't brush their teeth or use mouthwash or something when they get up yeah and do you think most people brush for the first time midday yeah you only that everyone's mouth would be totally disgusting by midday no I think a lot of people probably get up who brushes their teeth before they have coffee everybody and why you want then you have you have that funky morning mouth and then you put coffee on it this is impossible I what's impossible what's impossible that you'd wake up brush your teeth and then go eat yeah no you eat and then you brush all that out of your mouth no you brush them morning like the night mouth out of you and you brush again yeah it like ten o'clock sure right wait how many times are you brushing your teeth four times a day that's not real that's not real you're doing this is a bit no it's not a bit you brush your teeth four times a day sometimes you brush it at night too of course if I brush it at night I'm definitely not brushing in the morning I've been put anything in my mouth there's been nothing in my mouth all night so it's still clean but it smells like [ __ ] like when your wife winced hold on hold on I'd camp less color I'm calling her right now that's I can't believe that I've never I've never awake to see when LeAnn brushes her teeth so I don't know but I can't imagine you'd wake up and then go like go brush your teeth like it's like your common are you alive how are you alive hey babe how you're on the podcast with me and Tom how soon after waking up opening your eyes do you brush your teeth like you hold on you like wake up and then you go brush your teeth if you had the ballpark at what point of a day do you think I brushed my teeth wait LeAnn LeAnn are you mortified by his dental hygiene yeah he also said that nobody wakes up and brushes their teeth yeah I know I think most people do Tom said he brushes his teeth four times a day yeah okay I said sometimes how many do you brush your teeth twice a day yeah everybody does twice a day no sometimes I do more what percentage of this population you think brush your teeth twice a day I'm gonna say thirty five percent I'm going online I love you baby wait wait LeAnn hang on hang on the end Burt had six doughnuts I love you baby bye okay we're taking this on Twitter how many ok what's the question yes or no do you press you to you twice a day okay please be honest - do you brush your teeth twice a day do I do a poll it's a great idea in the dog I'll do that see it happened to me again yeah I was like what the [ __ ] did you think I was doing did you think I was just texting this to somebody yeah yeah goddamn and I'm still [ __ ] boys texting all that it I got a [ __ ] stop with the way I hear things cuz it wasn't aggressive no but I was definitely doing a poll there's a poll versus just the question right yeah yeah okay I don't know he didn't know if you're doing a Twitter poll or not yeah I know I gotta work on me man I got a lot of problems your number one problem is you haven't eaten any [ __ ] donuts yeah now I'm starting to think it's a prank it's not a prank roofies in them no poll yes twice you another eight second donut yeah no I'm normal how do you think it's normal honest do you brush your teeth twice a day yes twice a day are you gonna have one too okay twice a day no I'm not a lunatic I'm not a lunatic there we go alright we're gonna check to see how many people brush your teeth twice a day my floss every day that's my problem is I'm where the [ __ ] did he go I'm talking to nobody right now no no no you're talking you're talking to me he wants to go warm up some doughnuts so what do you think the numbers gonna be right now like what's the what's the purport I really think 35 percent of the population brush your teeth twice a day I think it gonna be surprised see I floss non-stop I probably floss eight times a day you floss eight times a day at least an hour Water Pik every day why do you think that people wouldn't brush in the morning though it just seems like I would I don't want to like my biggest problems I don't like to taste the toothpaste like I really don't like to take what you try some different toothpaste right so I broke this in the dog Haven and the dog would you break yeah yeah I broke the table sorry everything still hanging on we'll fix it after no warmed-up is like oh yeah yeah you know what if thanks interesting I've never seen someone I never had someone lick like lick my dick like it is like you do your fingers like you can probably work that out alright here we go I just posted the poll okay I'll see how many people have replied and this is just a quick little and tell me about your pull how you worded it again 50/50 right now guys and what's the question please be honest do you brush your teeth twice a day one of the answers was yes twice a day and you know there was no I'm not a lunatic and right now we have it is 50/50 and we've had 580 people vote okay I just think twice a day is overdoing it and I think what do you think you think once a day is the way to go yeah and it's always midday I'm a day cut it in half get this what you do you start your day and get up murder some coffee right out the big eight right sit with it go through the news I get on the treadmill start replying attacks no do not brush your teeth because you don't want you brush your teeth I'm stuttering I have so much [ __ ] my mouth still watering murder coffee take like an outdoor shower I haven't used i've only to shower play indoors ten times this entire quarantine I love showering outdoors I'm putting an outdoor shower at the new house I'm a hundred percent I'm never gonna shower indoors again will you have soap and stuff out there yeah yeah yeah I have this one-stop soap it's a Fiji Old Spice Fiji it's like a body wash hair wash yeah I love it I'll see you do use some yeah yeah it's use soap and then and then and then go inside after you've done an outdoor shower get dressed and then brush your teeth and came come here that's why I do it okay and then and then I'm not gonna like overnight before bed you don't know if I'm gonna [ __ ] yeah but what if you had dinner and there's all kinds of [ __ ] I've lost I've lost aggressively I probably I that's maybe that's where I'm not being clear i flossed non-stop I always have a flosser on me yeah and I have them in the car i've flushers everywhere i buy when i go to the store i buy these ones these glide ones and I find like packs of them I'll buy like seven packs and I'll put the packs everywhere so there's one by my recliner a pack by my recliner or if some in the bathroom I near my bed what are you gonna do with these new teeth you're gonna do all new teeth yeah veneers yeah so just replace I'm probably a lot of bonding so my teeth are all [ __ ] up let's see they don't look all [ __ ] up no but they're all [ __ ] up the inside so I got I hit them off the baseball bat and then I knocked some out on my buddy we chose head tubing one time and then I've and then I got some knocked out in a fight I got I've gotten teeth knocked out all the time Stony Hill white you're gonna bright white I'm think I'm gonna go like like sitcom star white yeah like aggressively here's my problem an extra big larger than average so people are like yeah guys [ __ ] team want them to be if I'm gonna pay money I want them to notice them yeah you got regular teeth you got like a regular man teeth idea I saw that picture and I was like you wouldn't take these two you know they're two average yeah like I want them to really stand up pull out what Tom's Cruz's teeth look like he's got some big teeth yeah does he I think so he had one his Center was off center back in the day did you ever see that there you go those are aggressive teeth big mouth big teeth Hootie what comic do you think has the best teeth cool best teeth Joe's got real teeth Joe does have those are his teeth yeah ari has his teeth Steve Harvey Steve Harvey's got great teeth oh let me see it Steve Harvey's teeth yeah chief Harvey's got real oh wow by the way that's so funny I can look at his teeth and I recognize that's him yeah like just when you look at his teeth I bet if you post it up online you like whose mouth is this you'd go Steve Harvey do you think if I brought in Steve Harvey's teeth and I was like can you get me these teeth that then I could recreate Steve Harvey's mouth in my mouth and people go there's something about him he looks like what if we could do that like if you could like signal to people who's the most successful person in the world who's the most successful person in the world and then I'll get identical teeth to him won't you like Bill Gates or pull up Bill Gates teeth Bill Gates I bet he has his own team I bet he has his own teeth to ever their nerd teeth yeah those are just regular teeth you know how I ride bikes oh those are really regular teeth like to implant microchips and all the Americans and I'm gonna do it with a coronavirus type in nerd teeth okay oh hey can I get some nerd teeth yeah perfect what about Elon Musk teeth let's see what his photo I guarantee you he says teeth done he had a seat on it dude he is such a huge fan ours yeah those are no go to Elon Elon teeth now though I bet those are old teeth really yeah I bet those are old teeth mm-hmm yeah okay oh no I guess those are I guess he's never had his teeth done no way guys hair done oh he was losing his hair yeah look I love when you find out people that we're losing here and then they got here Blair transyl and now who are the big ones the best one out there is Joel McHale an Tosh I've never seen I've never seen let me go Google Google Joel McHale by the way I think Joel McHale looked good when he was losing his hair I actually liked I think his hair right now is awesome I would love his hair but Joel McHale when he was losing his hair was great [ __ ] hair loss like it was so cool like I didn't have a problem with it like I would that I was drunk picture yeah I still good hair loss he did a yeah I think Tasha if you look at season two one or two of his show Yosh point oh you can see the thinning and then yeah he did like excellent you get to just - jaylen Tosh hair you know before and after hair I don't remember I remember him his I remember his hair him losing his hair a little bit look oh yeah all thinned out and now he's got a full head and looks good it looks [ __ ] awesome yeah hey once again we never did we we always wanted to talk about you doing a hare hare Club for Men well you got a straight up wig oh you want to get wigs yeah yeah you want to get wigs wigs why not hair transplant what I don't know where do they take it is it that good yeah look at those guys hair yeah but I don't want to look different than I look now I think people only see me with a hat on so I wear hats so much I still have a [ __ ] great out of hair got in front of that bus what's that a wig you say you want to see me in a wig so would you do long hair of course what's the point of a [ __ ] wig yeah we'll see me in a wig yeah another donut what are you doing you're done might be you were gonna hit a dozen easy a try you know I have diarrhea and I pushed you ready for this you're fine tell me if you think I look good see hang on whoo tasteful new tably and she send you nudes no I take him we she's not looking she called me one time she was like she just take a [ __ ] picture of me and I was like now I'm talking about you ready yeah I do that all the time yes well you can you know I do it for Hill yeah nobody clears their throat and chest like you I can't it's condom mmm look at this guy it's a good-looking dude huh yeah how long was that seven years ago really mm-hmm look good there yeah how was my 40th birthday I was a great [ __ ] show me know what yeah come on I don't find a picture of me with with long hair I kind of love that you might how come I can't find it so wait I wanted to tell you this story you know I have a fear of balloons yeah on my 40th birthday they took the people in Australia filled my room with balloons not knowing the whole thing with helium balloons and I was like I went downstairs I was like I have a [ __ ] terrible fear of balloons I can't sleep in that room so they tried to switch rooms that they couldn't get me a different room and there are so many balloons they couldn't get rid of the blooms they have nowhere to put them so that I had to sleep in a room full of [ __ ] balloons and I had to get piss drunk in order to [ __ ] sleep in this room right mm-hmm so in the middle of the night I'm laying there I'm looking at these balloons and they'd put him in so early that the helium dropped out of him and it was like New Year's Eve a thousand balloons went from the [ __ ] roof onto my bed just like all the helium just dropped out and they all crashed all over my bed that's one story here's the better story I'm looking for this picture I mean my shirt off I can't I here's the better story I ever tell you the story about the time I was at the I was at the stress factory in New Jersey yeah and the girl there was an MMA guy there Mickey gall and he was telling her how to do choked out holds yeah I ever tell you the story I don't think so oh there's one of my favorite stories so we're all in the thing we're talking about chokeholds and this girl behind the bar is like I eat chow codes real and they're like yeah it's real she goes oh how do you do one and they're like well super easy so this guy that works there was like yeah c'mere do it to me like okay you just take one arm put it under my chin then take your other arm put it behind my neck and all you do is squeeze and she goes okay so she puts her arm under his chin puts her head like this and squeeze his horns [ __ ] and you see her like this and he taps her but no one had taught her with the tap mint so she just keep squeezing on is that working cool no one a daughter what the tap was it was the best I couldn't stop laughing cuz I saw it happening but I was drinking and I couldn't go oh this means stop this means stop the summer season isn't on hold so your summer bod shouldn't be either get access to professional training from the comfort of your home with beach body on demand this is a perfect time to stay fit during The Cove at 19 and I'm telling you thousands of people are using it this is the company behind p90x insanity the 21 day fix and you can check out some of their newest product programs like morning meltdown 180-day obsession and start off everyday strong their trainers are the best in the business Tony Horton Joel Freeman Jericho Mick Matthews autumn Calabrese with the best programs for bodybuilding weight training cardio hit yoga and even dance workouts workout on your schedule summary shortest 10 minutes and don't require extra commitment and you could do it anywhere from your computer web enabled TV tablet smartphone or Roku and the best part is you guys can try it for free all you have to do is text bears to 30 30 30 that is bears to get 30 30 30 and you will get full access to the entire platform all the workouts and nutritional information and support absolutely free bears 2 30 30 30 this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by honey we all shop online we've seen all the promo codes that tante us at checkout but thanks to honey manually searching for coupon codes is a thing of the past honey is a free browser extension that finds promo codes for you and automatically applies them to your car that's what's up that means you'll have to do that work they do it for you that's what I'm talking about I like doing that man I like setting something up and be like oh cool you'll you'll take care of this I don't do any extra work that's why I got married yeah man imagine you're shopping I'm one of your favorite sites and then BOOM honey's like oh you got to do is apply these coupons wait a few seconds and then the price drops absolutely fantastic honey has found it's over 17 million members over two billion dollars in savings support from over 30,000 stores online Walmart doordash Newegg Lululemon you name it they got it if you don't already have honey you could straight-up be missing out on free money it's literally literally free and installs in a few seconds by getting at you're doing yourself a solid and supporting this podcast get honey for free at join honey calm slash bears that's join honey calm slash be a rs hey let's go to the Paragard commercial another one no we got a feedback right oh yeah one of the actresses from the commercial reached out yeah she did what did she say what'd she say and did we get do we get a did people give us some more feedback from the Khepera god Natasha Berg Joe doesn't make me feel sick or anything this is simply a commercial to let you know that you can blow loads of her like I've been letting do is blow loads of me for a long time but I was always concerned now I'm not so you can blow loads and me everyone comes in me hey if you want people to come in you this is how you can do it safe now I can let everyone come in me because I've got Paragard and soap and we've been talking about coming in each other so much is that what someone made yeah prolific memes made this so she said casually listening to tubers when cave you guys started talking about Paragard I am in that commercial and I just wrote haha she goes I'm the yoga mat chick I never thought I'd have to hear that song again thanks for that and then she hit you up Instagram tell her to reach out to her see if she can call us you want her to call us yeah I want to talk to her about the commercial I'm obsessed with this pair of our commercial alright the dog give me your phone just give her your number no just text her and be like yo send me your digits that's how you she's not on right now how do you know because it comes on you have a dot yeah well yeah but if you text them it comes into there some people get notifications all right hey hey we're doing two bears one cave and we'd love to talk you about Paragard all right I wonder if other people found that commercial as funny as I found it I think I'm the only one that found it that funny I think you are yeah let's see I'll tell you if she responds and then we'll do it Paragard side of me I've been really thinking about how sways to spruce up there they're coming they're branding really yeah you want to pitch it to him I have it I haven't really come up with I've been writing my own songs to their Paragard commercial which although how to play it on guitar mm-hmm so we'll see maybe I'll just razzle-dazzle them surprise them hmm see here so far no response we'll see maybe I mean if you could if you could if you could get oh go ahead go how you do it now I wanted to see what do you think not today on a normal day your caloric intake is gotta be drinking or not drinking yes kool-aid no alcohol oh I would say probably around 3,000 calories is your intake 3,500 that just went up some what's 500 galleries what's have an extra burrito like so yesterday I had a rough day tell me about your rough day well I figured out how to make the perfect breakfast burrito so what'd you do I'm gonna take these off is that okay knit off wait it sure is Bert what because she's typing right now Oh see Oh perfect um so what I started doing with breakfast burritos I I love an egg runny okay yeah but and I don't like a hard scrambled egg I like a soft scrambled egg hmm and what I had been doing is I've been trying to find a middle ground of like an overeasy egg inside a breakfast burrito overeasy egg inside okay and so because I didn't like it scrambled in a breakfast burrito so what I found out yesterday is what you do is you take the egg okay what did she say oh well she said mmm she said I'm still under contract with Paragard not sure if I would be in breach of that good call tell her good call tell her very very smart very smart ask her if we can get the people who did the we want to be a do a commercial for Paragard where it's just us coming in girls all over the place and giving them para guards I think I won't text her that I have to wait you said yes sure you had a rough day Lord Lord take me through the day okay you wake up make a note of what he says please wake up hungry which is bad yeah this is really bad okay how often does that happen not often are usually fast for 16 hours really yeah that's why I don't brush my teeth so I brush my teeth when I get a like alright here we go wake up hungover and hungry and no one's awake everyone's LeAnn's gone no one's in the house so now this is bad for me yeah cuz you're like this is permission to go no yeah no one's gonna go hey what are you doing yeah so I get these we got these uh these homemade cavatelli homeward toward you I'm done I'm done you're done yeah we met we had these homemade tortillas like homemade so they're [ __ ] really really good so I go I get two pieces of bacon already cooked in the fridge I get two eggs I get a homemade tortilla a little cheese and what I did is you know L yuca TECA the hot sauce no a yuca TECA has some really really hot sauce and it's like I taught it's hot hot sauce what I did is I've been putting ranch in my ale yuca TECA so I like do a bottle and empty bottle I pour half and one bottle so it's half half then I fill it up with ranch so it's really [ __ ] good you got to eat it quick as it goes bad yeah do you guys you got to be really in the mood for putting hot sauce and ranch on a lot of [ __ ] like pizza salads chicken I put ill Yucatec and ranch on just about everything okay so I take two eggs and I'm gonna do them over easy and what happens is one of the eggs the yolk breaks and I'm like [ __ ] that really [ __ ] up over easy eggs for me so then I went to go scramble them and then scrambling them what I realized like - like - a quick scramble but when I realized what happened is all the yellows were staying on top and I was like I got an idea so what I did is I kind of did a quick scramble then moved him to the side of the pan mm-hmm so they're cooking from the bottom up but there's still a lot of runny yellow that you want which I was what I want I take the bacon I put it in the pants where I start warming up the bacon I put one of the tortillas in I put cheese on it so it's melting in the pan then I take this egg that still has a runny top and I flip it runny top down on to the cheese and I let it kind of warm in the tortilla so it almost like firms up but not a lot put the bacon on top pull it off you could Tekin ranch on the top and I [ __ ] it up so quick that halfway through I was like this is it was like a house of cards falling apart my hands I was like I'm gonna make another one of these so I make another one just put times - I make another one this time I went with one egg because I thought that was a lot of egg I wonder if I if I did one egg it would be better the one egg doesn't count you need to do two eggs so I then I bring in another egg [ __ ] stat yeah crack it two eggs in I [ __ ] destroyed those mm-hmm so that was breakfast that was breakfast what time is this probably this has got to be 11 that's when you get up yesterday oh I woke up late yeah 11 what'd she say no she yeah she's very nice oh yeah 11 o'clock and so then I have a cup of coffee I go outside I talked to Ari for like an hour and a half on the phone yes yeah I know we under we really got into it you know when this was remember when we sent the text yeah first thing in the morning we sent the text about I was right about the observation I had about yeah yeah yeah yeah so then we got on the phone I might have had that I might have had coffee then come in and make the burritos so I made the burritos and then went back in bed and went on my phone and scrolled Leanne came home and was like what are you having for lunch and I was like I haven't eaten yet so we had Chinese food so I had a I had moo shu pork burrito amen and then I think I didn't eat again until dinner or was dinner Pizza a homemade pizza and what kind of pizza is that one was with onions and mushrooms one was with pepperoni one was with bacon and one was with cheese well you mean how many pizzas they had four pizzas and I ate one of everything and french fries and french fries some beers and beers and beers probably Saviour's for Sam Adams beers a glass of Buffalo Trace a bottle of wine and another glass of Buffalo Trace so for three beers two buffalo traces and a bottle of wine to buffalo traces in a bottle of wine and then what about kool-aid yesterday you don't eat kool-aid okay how much cooler did you have probably two of these a gallon of kool-aid yeah in the in the sauna and I ran five miles I think I ran five miles my trainer I also had some General Tso's chicken you might want to put that in there Oh General Tso's chicken okay that doesn't by the way that does not look good when you look at it like that you're like that looks really bad but throughout the day it kind of makes sense throughout the day it does make sense for pizzas french fries three beers two whiskeys one bottle of wine gallon of kool-aid that should be a t-shirt damn all right mm-hmm that does not look healthy wake up hungry so four eggs two servings of cheese four pieces of bacon two tortillas ranch with hot sauce coffee moo shu pork burrito General Tso's chicken four pizzas french fries one bottle of wine and can you just do Nadal can you flip put the three beers on its own line yeah put the French fries on its own line yeah I just like I think it looks beautiful when you say four pizzas french fries three beers two whiskeys bottle of wine Gallagher it's a new shirt for you sir four pizzas french fries three beers two whiskeys following Cooley I'm not I don't know but calorically I think you're definitely above 3500 yesterday I definitely probably am yesterday was a bad day for me yeah you sleep well I don't know let's check now yeah check yeah goddamn mmm it's at 7:42 a.m. oh my whoop is catching up it'll give me my sleep in a second okay it's still in yesterday's p.m. notes in today's am so 742 and I woke up I think 8:00 so ran I ran I ran great today you did yeah that's the crazy thing is that my core is [ __ ] through the roof like my course strongly [ __ ] I bet I can outflank you I bet I can out plank you by at least a minute at least a minute oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah 100% all right we should do that we should do that competition how long do you think you'd hold a plank I don't know I bet I could hold a plank for three minutes see what the average person can hold a pint for and the dog please you know there's so funny this is something that's come up in my life a lot Leanne was the first one to call me out on it I ran into problems with cow heads the person that if you can't hold a plant for 120 seconds you're either too fat too weak or doing something wrong in your workouts a fit healthy guy should be able to hold a two-minute plank I bet I can hold a three-minute plank is a four-minute plank good how long do you think you don't you think you do a 2-minute plank yeah for real okay I know you do it right now after these doughnuts and everything oh that's a bad idea kool-aid and doughnuts so I I was caught I had a issue with so this happened to me with cow had the Carmen who answers the phone for cow head we were on a cruise and she was doing what happened with me in a dog and then I'd looked at cow head and I was like what the [ __ ] is this like mm-hmm she being like a [ __ ] right and he was like no no she's great and I actually was like it was so [ __ ] similar to what's happening with me and Dawber I was like why is she giving me [ __ ] attitude what happened she said I don't like you I said why nice cuz you're rude I go I'm not [ __ ] you I'm not rude and she was like yeah you are you treat me like I am not an equal and then I was like you're not like it but it's really arrogant but I go hold on you like what I get you're not like what do you mean like I'm like I'm gonna lost cuz it in a weird in a weird way at the time I was thinking it's it's not you know you're not cow head hey it's a show you're not his co-host you're just part of the team like like I'm also a comedian I've really worked hard to get to where I am so but like don't think like we're not we're not gonna go back and forth like we're like we're both equals like comedic ly like right and then cow head was like explain to me how important she was to him to hit the show right but she wants to be treated equally just you know she has Iverson right I didn't understand what was happened right and this is where I get lost sometimes I mean she said when you call you don't say hi to me I don't wanna say I would go hey it's Bert is Cal dick connect Cal yeah she was like yeah you don't say hi to me and then Leanne called me on it goes that's true you're an [ __ ] to people on the phone I go [ __ ] she goes no if you think it's I think it turns into where I don't find value in certain things that I can't empathize with immediately like I would never be an [ __ ] to an open mic cuz I've been through that path but maybe someone who answers phones or produces a podcast and I'm done trying to be disrespectful to DAF but like because I produced my own podcast by myself and for so long and I did all of it by myself I've done that job in my head once again I'm not trying to be disrespectful you know but I've done that job so I'm gonna put a lot of weight in that job in my head but I don't do what he does or what this seems a little bigger than what I did yeah but I just go like like I get I was like that with Halston for a while because I was like I would get angry I dude I got angry yesterday because I was like we hired another person for this tour and and Leanne was like I think we're not macking my maximizing our money I was like no [ __ ] no [ __ ] [ __ ] we have a team of eight people of all the things I used to [ __ ] do and this girl Carmen said it would mean so much if you just said hi to me on the phone when I answered it I know what that's it and she was like yeah that would make me feel like I'm a person and I was like oh I was like wait I'm not making you feel like a person because I didn't like Carmen I really liked Carmen and I thought we got along same way me and the dog I thought we got along but then I found out that I was just treating them I wasn't treating them right and I don't know why I [ __ ] do that because you know me I'm not that person at all no no in these scenarios with people that work for my friends I don't treat them as well as I should what do you I do you think that is like why do you think that is I don't know I really don't know rich I wish I had an inkling I'm gonna guess this is gonna be a very vulnerable guest but I'm gonna guess okay I would get upset when I was a kid if people said you gotta meet Dave he's the funniest guy in the world yeah I'd be like hold on I'm right here like what why are we talking about Dave over there like yep and especially if one of my friends did it it might if I had a friend who was like dude you know his [ __ ] hilarious I would be like my name better come out of their [ __ ] mouth yeah cuz if it doesn't we're gonna problems I think I become catty with ownership of friends like how like I and I thought I thought it was by the way for real yeah oh are you just told me this because I didn't wanted to hear you say it well you tell me the restaurant no no I I think it's a very relatable thing that like you get possessive of a friend so like with you like it's Carmen right with you yeah and so like I think that's at the root of what you're talking about yeah and I think there's like I think that I go this is gonna sound very [ __ ] shitty but I go you know I'm more important to him than you are yeah I think that's what goes on my head right yeah you explicitly said that last time I think yeah and I'm saying it again okay have you never been in a relationship with someone being vulnerable you'll just jump on I'm gonna dock you go that's very serious for you to realize the thing is you're not you're not a bad you're not a bad guy and you're not no I don't think but it's good to take it to have awareness about like you're recognizing it in both cases and you know you know just like you've been doing it today where you're like you know what you're saying please you're being polite I would do it I'd I caught myself doing it I called into my managers assistant and I just went haze duty there yeah and they Leon's like hey how about take two seconds and say hi to that person yeah and I'm like I do that I said to Lee and I was like [ __ ] that person they have a job to do their jobs dancer that [ __ ] phone and put that person on the phone I don't have time to go around saying hide every I like why can't I just go now I think there's some there's some like truth to to that because I mean I also if you have a few bunch of [ __ ] going on and somebody what makes because it makes me crazy to like let's say I call it let's say you were an agent and somebody goes Bert Kreischer 'he's office look and i'm calling and they go for a crash da because i'd be like hi and they go what can i how can i help you in like I'm calling Bert yeah this is your job you answer the phone to put that guy on the phone yeah I would like to talk to Burt yeah you know who I am a came up when you crawl ID know Burt you know some sugar and yeah and Leanne got really shitty with me and I I said I don't trust guys maybe I also I'm also really quick the problem I've had with masks is the same reason all the clowns yeah is I I need to read you I need to and I I don't I don't need to play games and be I used to [ __ ] hate when I'd hang out with Monica bark it was a friend of mine she was uh a assistant agent over at ICM and she's now an agent I think she lives in Florida now but I would hang out I would hang out with her and I knew her and she would tell me the comics that I knew that would call him and they'd kind of like talk to her on the phone and make her laugh and I was like get us disingenuous [ __ ] that's them trying to like butter you up so that you go on there like it's a game no like if I was calling my agent I want to just call and I want to talk to them I'm not gonna [ __ ] try to play a game and flirt with you and just for that it was such a crazy thing and then I realized well all these people that are citizens become execs one day you should have buttered them up then they would've liked you right and I was like I'm sitting here trying to be honest and real and I'm [ __ ] shooting myself in the foot this has been a very insightful podcast emotionally for me I need to go back into therapy I think I think you should tell what if they're gonna do that in Hinduism my nose is itching like crazy today why don't you like zoom therapy like you know I was doing therapy you're gonna [ __ ] find this very Bert but I was lying in it because I was afraid someone was gonna steal the feed and post it online and I was afraid that if they did that because like it was like like I was doing therapy over sober October yeah and I was lying the entire time he's like how you doing I was like great I'm doing awesome just cuz you didn't want anyone anyone to go hey a wonderful person therapy [ __ ] we can steal that camera put it online I get paranoid about the zoom therapy too yeah I think there's certain things I won't even bring up you know where he brings up oh my god sorry what somehow yeah I I was lying about everything I and so I was like well this can't be healthy I wasn't lying about everything but I just wasn't sharing things that were important that I knew were important violent impulses yeah [ __ ] see you think weak like [ __ ] all this [ __ ] I think I did therapy when re roofied me yeah but it was like I couldn't I couldn't expelled the therapist this is by the way I'm glad we're talking about this now yeah I'm and I might have talked about this then and I talked to you about this I talked to Whitney about this but I couldn't explain to him that I don't live in the world he lives in that I don't get those opportunities like he was like this is outrageous you need to call the police I go I can't do that he was like no you can and I was like you telling the therapist yeah I'm like can we just stop there because that's not gonna happen so let's let's give it a night here's well how are we gonna solve this I go there's no solving it and he's like well then what are we talking about I was like okay maybe we shouldn't be doing this he's like why can't you just go I'm done with this guy hate him I go cuz that's not gonna happen and I go listen I'm talking about how am I gonna share this on a podcast with my friends and have feelings about it but represent those feelings but not be a [ __ ] [ __ ] but also be real and he was like that's impossible no one would behave like that I was like welcome to the world of podcasting yeah he's like and so so I just was like I [ __ ] this it's like you live in we live in such a different world and then when it comes to like I'm so hyper aware of [ __ ] I'm so hyper aware of [ __ ] that no one pays attention to but that I go like what like hardcore secret on yeah I [ __ ] why no no cuz because some stuff some toughs is like like I don't know I pick up on nuances like like like a perfect sample is I try not to post myself drinking or having a good time quarantine like any time I did it I tried not to share that because of cuz I know that people are struggling and I know that that is representation like when the black lives matters things came out and everyone was posting the black box I knew everything was very volatile I had a someone coming to my house to give me a haircut and I cancelled it and Leanne's like are you canceling your haircut and I go it doesn't feel right to get a haircut in the middle all this turmoil she's a [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] haircut and I was like yeah I know I go trust me if you get a haircut and then the next day you're on social media never was like so everyone was dying in the streets and protesting and you went got a haircut I go yeah and like I think the average person goes that doesn't mean anything I got a haircut and you go yeah but I'm hyper aware of certain [ __ ] yes I go this Telegraph's weird I never posted any of the cool [ __ ] I did on Travel Channel on social media like when I had like a private [ __ ] a private boat in Puerto Rico I remember starting to videotape it and going it just seems like I'm rubbing it in like it like most people use social media to go look how badass my life is I hide a lot of that anytime something really great happens to me then I go oh this would be what say my friends in high school would share I don't share it because I go I don't want people to think that's what I think social media is or think that that is where my ticket sales go that I like I want you to know that I am appreciative yeah and then I care and so like I'm hyper aware of that [ __ ] where a therapist or a wife may not see those they have spots yes I definitely don't like I didn't post perfect sample when you took me on the on the ride I recorded it but I recorded it for us yeah show her my parents never to put her on social media right you know yeah yeah like that's kind of stuff that makes sense yeah what we gonna read I was trying to get this my buddy to jump on a call about diet yeah I thought it'd be funny who Sean like he's a trainer and stuff so I just I just texted him like he jump on a quick call he hasn't written back yeah yeah I wanted that what did you eat today what did you eat yesterday just out of curiosity yesterday let's see um was yesterday we came in here so oh yeah so breakfast two whole eggs for egg whites a piece of Ezekiel bread nevermind and the table what did you have for yesterday what do you eat [ __ ] two egg whites Ezekiel bread for breakfast I had some coffee and then I had a tuna melt add half a tuna melt for lunch and then the other half for dinner you'd three tuna melts yesterday I had half a tuna melt for lunch and the rest of it for dinner he's let it happen between what did you have for breakfast just coffee mm-hmm yeah I don't need breakfast so you only had maybe like 800 calories yesterday uh it was from like a deli so I don't know let's round it up to like over a thousand maybe like 1500 right did you work out nah do you smoke I do do you drink uh not often not really a big drinker I don't trust that why I don't know like how do you do like so if you have a drink do you just go I'll have one drink and then I'm gonna go to bed um no I mean I don't really have a drink except a sense of like it's a social thing for me okay do you smoke weed a lot yeah oh there it is never mind yeah are just people who can just well do you drink a social thing I want to be social you had by the way most people cannot relate to your evening yesterday a bottle of wine partying tonight you are yeah I'm going on the road I'm gonna get my body ready for touring so you can't just go raw dog it on the rogue she'll be like having headaches in the morning you gotta get your [ __ ] like build it up build it up get ready I'm partying tonight yes tonight were you get on the bus no I'm partying tomorrow night but I'm partying tonight what does that mean what'll happen tonight uh I already texted it first thing I woke up I texted a group of people and said who wants to party I got my replies and I was like perfect and lensing workouts like are we [ __ ] partying tonight I was like definitely partying tonight nice larb LARP LARP what's that Google it is so good larb so eight people coming over tonight we're going over to a friend's house to party yet to party before I go on a thing they're Asian and so we're gonna eat larb by the way I was gonna be healthy today boy at 8:00 [ __ ] doughnuts larb he do two more no no if you can plank for sure what did we have anything else we wanted to talk about that's it we got to wrap up why we got to go two minutes we've one minute okay okay freestyle go for it I was listening the new run the jewels on the treadmill today and it was so good that I was done my run and I was still dancing on the treadmill nice [ __ ] I gotta listen I wish I could really rap ooh I'm talking to Trinidad James today what do I talk to I say anything to eat on behalf of you you love the shoes these that you yeah yeah Tom thanks so much thanks for sending four pairs four pairs of those Katie's man appreciate it oh all right yeah just tell him you should tell him how you can naturally freestyle yeah and then I think I think me and him probably have a lot in common I think you'll like I feel like you can't wait I can't [ __ ] wait all right let's um 20 seconds yeah we can just go now nope you want to keep talking 15 seconds just come you won't freestyle name is Tom I like to sit hey guys thanks for watching two bears one cave another great episode everyone fine I love you we love you I love you all right tops while the other where's the shirt Tom tell stories and Bert's not machine there's not a chance in hell today okay here's what the call to bear hug cake no scripts appear to booze amateur for Tala G dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call - there's one cake [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,220,495

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: BPRVY0aJdKY

Length: 95min 22sec (5722 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 06 2020