Ep. 19 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

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welcome to bears one cave dude [ __ ] you wait can I run through all my fake ones that I was sure I was gonna go so this is your freestyle I need big tummy buns I bring the guns what but oh god damn it hmm you didn't like that one no why do you know what I was gonna do for Black History Month what I was gonna petition I was going to do 28 podcasts with each with a black person do 28 and every day release time to celebrate process a Black History Month had that plan go it didn't go well because Lee Ann just very quickly goes why wouldn't you just have black people on normally and I went what do you mean she's like why wouldn't you just make an attempt to put more black people on your podcast and I was like that's a good call I was like yeah I guess I was like Here I am making a stunt out of Black History Month yeah as opposed to so I called Donnell he's on my podcast this week Darnell Darnell Darnell does his impression of Ari which I don't know if it's okay to laugh at yet yeah but it is [ __ ] hilarious what is he I don't know I gotta get I gotta call Donnell okay no I'll just just listen to podcast it's [ __ ] um but yeah so yeah weight loss is going great it's how are you gonna ask now I'm way the easiest you should keep them to February but so are you losing weight huh bookies you're on the road again I'm on the road again and man my lifestyle he's gotten so bad on the road no no no I bought 36 bottles of hot sauce and my favorite hot sauce in San Jose why did you get so much they're so good but 36 I meant to bring you some [ __ ] 36 they're the best hot sauce I mean most people would be like I like to sing here I'm gonna buy - I was like drunk I was drunk when we went there and I and and and they had they they filled up I said I'll take let me get like you know 16 or whatever 15 and they did it and it just filled up half a box I was like I [ __ ] it load the rest of the box up she was like okay it's like do you want to know how much that cost I was like man yeah just charge it but they only last a month so I'm gonna give them out to everyone so it's my present yeah cool I'll get you something amazing I would love what's it called it's called orange sauce orange sauce it's like from how was how was the road fine great dude I am I would I wish I could get this is what I liked about stand-up is I just the beginnings parts of bits yeah where you're figuring it out and then you figure parts out yeah and then you're excited to get on stage yeah yes you go oh I got a little bit the towards the end of the last tour right before shooting the special yeah that's one that's almost depressing since it's the worst part of it I totally agree I see it the same way it's where it is is like you feel like well you know this is basically figured out right or at least as far as you're gonna figure it out and then you're just waiting to shoot it and you start to what happens is you can walk out there you can kill I mean have a standing ovation and then walk off and you feel bummed out you're like no it's because because you're not dude I've excited yeah I felt like that right towards again and now I have bits that not Norn even that could the I have this bit about you that is so goddamn funny it is so in it and it's just meant that part now where I'm onstage I'm having fun in it like I know the parts that do well and I know the end really kills striking up fun in the middle and stretch so you're like I got a friend he lifts a lot what how does it start oh yeah that's exactly yeah me and my buddy he's this big overweight guy and everyone starts going wait you guess his name shut up how did you know I did a fun I didn't realize like how much people love like talking about each other because yeah when I was in Australia now in New Zealand I they they gave I asked for a whatever the All Blacks you know Zealand so they brought me a sweatshirt so I walk out on stage with it and like ten minutes in I'm like this is a I'm it's an inferno I'm like sweating so I go I'm gonna pull a Bert and I start taking it off they start like cheering and then I go I'm not taking everything off familiar I start like talking like you do the place went [ __ ] crazy just being like you know crazy is crazy because you know I've always steered away from it I've always steered away from it and like like even in this new special I have a joke where I mentioned you and Rogen and I felt I always even when I wrote it it was real it was true but I always felt cheap doing it yeah cuz I was like I was like god dammit money like name-dropping because I know you guys are both bigger comics than me so I'm like my name dropping I'm trying to make myself seem like I'm at their level or whatever and but then but then I was in Vermont and I did this joke about me and you and Leanne came back she was always sits in the audience yeah she comes back she's like oh my god she was I happy honestly they were there were people were going nuts in there as soon as you said Tom's name they were going nuts and she was like and I gotta be honest with you it's so cool hearing about you talk about your relationship with Tom on stage I was like really she was like oh especially the way you're doing it it makes it she's like there were guys hitting and this this happened so many times it's actually good there were guys hitting people I can't really explain all the bit without giving it away yeah hitting each other going dude that's me and you yeah dude they're buddies and then guys were coming up to me of these shows so I'm Bert and he's taught it it's part of look he's like I live outside he has a house I got a pool he likes pawns I'm gonna start one where I go I have um I have a friend and hate fills his heart and it's like it's a way to like introduce you and the audience knows they know [ __ ] Ron my tour bus driver yeah man you are racist I go [ __ ] I go Ron I'm not [ __ ] you've been with me on the road he goes no I just like saying that man it's fun hey Ron [ __ ] Oh hmm Wow does anything smell better than gasoline I know what you're saying yeah yes can I tell you what I think smells better what the draw a mineral the draw of us of sulfur through the cigarette right when you take your first hit you smoking cigarettes now yeah hi story oh I didn't tell you I started rolling cigarettes oh yeah I started smoking this is so great how many are you up to well it's just when I get I'm gonna bring you a carton [Laughter] how long have you stopped smoking last time I had a cigarette was um 10 years ago no that's not real that's true that's not that can't be a hundred percent can't be ten [ __ ] years ago ten years ago as last time I had a cigarette I've had cigars yeah yeah yeah wait when was your last cigarette do you remember your last cigarette it was um it was in LA I was living um in that shitty what's a college yeah yeah that was when you were going to your PI phase I Phase oh wait oh the pecan pie sometimes I get it mixed up with my chocolate souffle stage they were around the same time but the pecan pie stage by the way is is your wife's fault ever you go big well I think it's that we tried pie at your house yeah p/kaufmann emerge [ __ ] a minion used to [ __ ] feed us because we were so poor and I would go over to their house and little Isla was like 2 and the cutest little two-year-old and George would be like hey and then walk away and Isla would like plain and then but you would make these elaborate dinners you could really [ __ ] cook unless a chef is there unless the shuffle server but you he would do elaborate dinners I mean the kitchen would be a [ __ ] mess it would be a mess and I'd be like are you gonna clean this up you're like I'm a guy and then I don't feel like that I'm sorry that I was raised in the seventies and I watched my mom clean but I guess I'll be in the living room this same thing so but you do this and then one day Leanne had made this pie yeah kanpai and we tried and both of what Kristi and I were like what the [ __ ] and she's like you're she was like what that's my grandma's recipe that's granny's recipe yeah and she pulled out of a cookbook and it would be written handwritten on like a little like yeah like like a little confederate flag and it was like all jotted down [Laughter] and then I remember that's one of those things that was so good like that you have needed like you know sometimes you eat things with people cooking you're like that's really good or then like you know I'd love to get the recipe then sometimes you're like no no no like I once I remember saying like I want the recipe yeah and she was like yeah no problem and then the next day I called her and I was like hey so I'm following up on the recipe because it's like all we talked about she used to get the piece you get pecans from Georgia they bring like a bunch of pecans out her uh her granny and it was an interesting person those are people throwback people oh yeah I don't exist at all yeah that whole I mean it's a put it like in perspective Lee Anne grew up on a dirt road right yellow into school whatever for what did her grandmother grow up flame really same dirt road I mean the yeah the there were sharecroppers in the in the the there no she was a school no she was up until like third grade that might be older I might be too old but yeah until she moved to Atlanta when she moved to Atlanta she had to wear shoes to school yeah I figured yeah Atlanta was probably are you watching that Michael Vick documentary no I saw a little clip of it where is it was it on on the ESPN 30 for 30 no I haven't seen it yet it's amazing what a amazing athlete he was huh I remember dude he was a he you know that that Lamar Jackson yeah yeah Lamar Jackson he's exciting to watch like Michael Vick yeah like just their ridiculous athletes ridiculous God both had crazy arms both have like like not just speed but top tier like there there's used to be the thing like you're fast for a quarterback the quarterbacks traditionally slow and then like those guys are fast for fast guys they're faster for they're fast for wide receiver yeah yeah man they're there they're other level it's that but I'm telling you that documentaries right amazing I'm at the part where he other the the they I didn't know any of this but the county prosecutor didn't follow through and file charges for the dogfighting original originally right he grew up around there and he's like no it's just start it's a dogfight yeah we're fine yeah and then it was it's time een they're making it sound like it was white women that brought Michael Vick down yeah they were like they were like no and so then the FBI came in FBI came in and did so much research they dug up the dogs they then got a veterinarian pathologist to come in and tell how the dogs were yeah killed and and then Michael Vick they everyone just like not even copper to play but everyone just said guilty and and tried to comple Michael Vick was supposed to get they said maybe in six months probably get just get probation and they gave him 28 [ __ ] months like cuz the judge is like nah but I would argue he probably missed out on two years of his life that's two years without CTE right there's two years without knee injuries where he might have just [ __ ] it up anyway yeah but I think that that extra time served to allow him back into the public yeah I mean you're probably right about that I do remember one thing and I haven't seen this documentary it's so good it's for for our documentary I remember that after he got out and he went back to the league he went back to the league for a while yeah he did something that like I don't think it gets talked about that much like I'm saying in in as a credit to him is that he had he when he went into prison he owed a lot of money to creditors right and he had he had debt really I was wondering about that they didn't talked about but yeah debt and so he gets out and he's he gets contracted but like don't forget like when he goes to prison he loses not just his NFL contract but all his endorsements yeah and you know it's like a hundred million dollar day to him the day he goes to prison yeah I was like that this is gone so he gets out and you know he you know the creditors are like you know you owe us money now you're making money again he's never gonna make that money was he would have made but he's making money again he opted hate himself he chose to not file for the type of bankruptcy that wipes your debt away essentially he chose to pay back credit you know to make good on the money that he owed them yeah you could look it up the type of bankruptcy filing he he he opted not to do versus the one he chose but he chose to pay back people he owed money to Wow yeah I there's I there's a joke that's made me laugh hardest [ __ ] I can't remember who it was all my podcast hey ain't in Dadaab when you pull up Michael Vick's net worth I'm curious ty might see how much money as and then pull mine next to it just see if I have more money than Michael Vick fifteen million dollars I do not yeah but also don't you know those things are not that accurate man [ __ ] they're not they're totally accurate no they're not you know how much Jon's worth five hundred fifty million those things are still a guess like just like the the the income reports yeah those are not verified their guesses they're guesses really yeah absolutely they are they don't they don't go like I mean if they called you you'd be like I'll sign over my tax return right now but like most of the time they're just analyzing things they're they're going through sources they don't actually know for sure yeah what his net worth is um there was a guy I don't want ah I can't remember the podcast all I remember is the joke he the person I wish I could remember if it was a guy or a girl I think was a girl a guy has one Michael Vick's dogs had one of Michael Vick's dogs yeah and they used to go and protest all Michael Vick's games and so when the team was getting on the bus and it holds signs up and protests and they said all the [ __ ] players were like this just like heads down because you know all of them are probably like wait what the [ __ ] are they part was that me did I do something there and I'm the joke I keep Ike makes me giggle this is his day is he said all the ballplayers would make up like look away and I was like except for the [ __ ] field goal kicker you know he was like hey what the sign say he's just like Oh guys did someone kill a dog in here did I remember I did cobs and I think I was doing it with Rogen and Diaz this is like at the height of this story and Joey Joey is like they need to let him out they need to let Michael Vick out and he needs to come to the Raiders he's coming the Raiders because Al Davis is perfect he'll be like Mike Vick come here you can stab a dog on the 50-yard line I don't give a [ __ ] he's like will sacrifice dogs every week if you could bring that speed over here to open oh my god oh and people were like not ready for at all people yeah Joey calm man I didn't realize I don't think I think what that him going to prison did is really opened up your eyes to like what he did I think it was a little more than dog fighting you know was crazy he wasn't allowed to have a dog when he got out obviously yeah he actually even didn't he I remember seen a commercial where he did something with like what is it whatever they one of those animal rights groups not PETA but another one just like a dog he he became like a spokesperson for them he just what he was the celebrity coach for the Puppy Bowl this year for the Super Bowl what dude I did the funniest [ __ ] joke this weekend I took two quarters and put him on stage did you see this no I put two quarters on the stool and then I told all my openers I said hey do I see 50 cent in there and they were like Julia wait until you done texting yeah sorry okay who you texting with there's a [ __ ] going on obtaining a second tell me all an error no well one [ __ ] it so I took two quarters I put them on the stool and I told all my uppers you see 50 cent in there and they're like 50 cents in there and I go yeah you'll see them when you go onstage and then like what the [ __ ] he doing and I was like you'll see and they all walked onstage all the [ __ ] dude that made me laugh so do I have on the show Dave Williamson um Shane Torres and hey-zeus Trejo you have three people did I like doing I like not the times but if we have one night shows like bigger venues I think it's fun for them to do those size venues and yeah everyone does 10 minutes and then and it's fun for us on the bus is the more people on the bus is better and we just go out to eat and just listen to Ron talk [ __ ] you ready Ron talk I mean was he like [ __ ] you Gayle King is [ __ ] you Friday he was talking about he was talking about he was he was talking about a lot of [ __ ] yeah yeah he's not a he's not a big fan of ours Gayle Kings yeah yeah we yeah because you know he's uh he's old school man he had his first kid when he was fifteen that's all it's cool she was 21 damn he goes yeah you know you know what they call that it's called that being a man I go yeah we call that molestation I think you were raped Ron I'm 15 he was 21 he was like nah man nothing wrong with that and I was like but he's a different he's like an old school dude where he like it's like I don't know it's hard to explain man if there's something so different culturally that I think people are glancing over that you forget that it's that it's like an unspoken thing where people are holding each other to the exact same standards where that they would hold their friends as opposed to looking at things and realizing this is this man I had every childhood I will take it back to the dog fighting with Michael Vick yeah in he grew up he grew up with it he grew up dogfighting and the cops never stopped them so he actually said I didn't think anything was wrong with it it was like I knew that was like not right but like I didn't think it was wrong you know and I think it's the same thing about like having side [ __ ] there's guys that just go what you have a side [ __ ] that's everyone's got a side especially if they grew up with it especially if you grew up with it yes and um and for Ron to get pregnant at 15 I have a kid he's just like all right that's how life started yeah whereas for me I would have been like melted down me Ron are the exact same age and so if if I died if I had had a kid I didn't have sex until I was 17 me too yeah and so like if I don't get a 15 you'd be perfect for that did you did you always have a side pitch like when you ever had a side [ __ ] love a side [ __ ] I love a side let's talk you through what was your slap it looked like is your side [ __ ] you think here in LA or do you think she's in she's what city [ __ ] somewhere cheap Indiana yeah yes Indiana that way like she comes on Midwest run Evansville she Evansville maybe an Annapolis never I'll be on the BIR Tawil world tour this week maybe Louisville I don't know maybe Medford its Louisville Louisville oh thank you yes um so yeah I have I think I have a warm weather side [ __ ] you know uh uh cold weather side [ __ ] what cold weather side [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah and should be somewhere inexpensive or I could like let her really live it up yeah I wonder yeah I want her to live nice nice car I do a thing with the dealership I'm like take pictures there yeah yeah right yeah and again then you get like maybe Chili's gives you some gift cards and you're like you can eat too oh no I already thought about that I do to the nice restaurants and be friendly chefs yeah have him on my podcast yeah I'd be very vocal about my side [ __ ] in her town yeah but I'd be like they'd be like no yes bird side [ __ ] but like everybody get back to land yeah [ __ ] yeah anyone Evansville now do you think is the N completely there or that's what I'm saying yeah so she's not she's like that's just what guys do we had a conversation about this yesterday yeah if you cheat on someone you take that [ __ ] to the grave with you yeah you don't put that on me oh yeah it's a you live with your guilt don't [ __ ] bring that to me exactly yeah you [ __ ] someone on the road yeah I don't need that [ __ ] I'm happy right now right like I don't [ __ ] that it was crazy we were we were talking about this a separate subject yep but here's my side [ __ ] hold oh no we were talking about that the other day we're about like a friend of ours had not even a friend but a distant friend of ours have had an affair and talk brought it to his her brought it to her husband and and I was like what the [ __ ] and then I'm like I'm like just don't like RUC and it wasn't it wasn't ever gonna they were gonna yeah stay together she's gonna come back to her husband yeah you [ __ ] sleep with that you don't ever bring that up [ __ ] die with that [ __ ] yeah I think my side [ __ ] is Puerto Rican oh my so white really Oh blond hair blond hair blue eyes hey you know I going opposite yeah I'm going out I'm going blonde hair blue eyes I'm gonna say 35 35 yeah like that - yeah doesn't wanna have kids yeah wants to be like a yoga instructor I'll help her set her up in a studio something in a strip mall she's gonna have a she kind of a Ford I'm pretty sure I'm I can't believe I'm already living through all this in my head it sounds like it's pretty pretty [ __ ] and worked out oh it's gonna be nice yeah yeah it's not but like it seems like this is not just off the top of your head it seems like this has actually been cooking no it's off the top of my head but I haven't really ever thought about how me I have thought about starting other families yeah like I would love to Johnny Appleseed my way around this country really oh-ho dude without a doubt start with a family in Florida think about how well you would do things with a new family you know I mean like if you're like hey man this is my new wife and my new kids and I learned what I needed to learn on that first go-around I would hit it out of the [ __ ] Park yeah I would hit it out of the park and so involved yeah yeah I take him on the road with me yeah yeah be great and then you could do a thing we're like the bus in that region dirt drives that fami around but then the bus comes Wes and you have this family come on all my new family would be so impressed by the boss my family right now who the buses in LA and Georgia just came on and just didn't even just sat down didn't like looking around exploring just sat down yeah I was like what I wanna see the my bedroom she's like now they're gonna see my bedroom it's like I'm imagining it smells back there I'm like okay you know your dad yeah I was like you got me what do you want any snacks and she goes you're thinking about ila I was like okay yeah Georgia is just you're just so [ __ ] practical she wants a chrysler pacifica what yeah once she wants a chrysler pacifica pull that up Nadab that's a good-looking car a chrysler pacifica okay why I have no [ __ ] idea are you gonna get her way no I'm not gonna drive that [ __ ] thing it's for every minivans are pretty [ __ ] awesome it's kind of cool mini minivans do Drive pretty [ __ ] awesome it's actually gone full circle for me where it's like that was the most revolting vehicle and now I'm like yeah I could drive one I would drive one just get it like murdered out like really like get it like that carbon matte finish matte finish yeah get it [ __ ] nice matte 22s on there yeah dude dude get it and getting trick it out throw it throw some like sport exhaust on it if you can start it okay you're you're a car guy yeah like let's go in the different direction of away from sports cars okay like what would be a cool car that you like like because I always want I always want one of those like all-terrain [ __ ] exploration via Subarus no not a Subaru why those are they those are great for that no I want the one no what's a [ __ ] super but they're great for all-terrain explorations they're actually really good cars I can I tell you what it's a really great car is the [ __ ] Genesis yes Hyundai's that make amazing cars what the hell g70 I got one of those Equus these the Hyundai Equus Equus what I know what it's called I got into one of those for the going to the airports are great to put me in the back and I was like what car is this yeah I said to him what series is this and he was like what do you mean I said is in Mercedes what is the s-class no this is Genesis Pro and I was like nice right it's like it's like hooking up with a hot chick and you're like what she's like oh she's got herpes okay yeah Luiz if you want to get one yeah yeah they're nice I don't know I feel like I should get myself a treat get a treat like I want to I don't know oh I don't think a sports car I'm not like a big enough car guy so I get like a Cadillac convertible or something then do that get something fun you should get it could you are a convertible guy you should get it oh I feel like a nice 67-72 Cadillac convertible okay look at that look at that wouldn't that in that me totally do that yeah dude get that oh well that's perfect get it today see if you can find one in LA for Mina DAF Cadillac convertible I'll buy it right now we'll get him on the phone okay oh yes let's make a call you gotta have a you have to have a car guy I do have a car guy but he doesn't deal usually in these uh what's it called um these classics you know he does more like new stuff Oh white El Dorado 18 grand shut up what's that $100,000 one well there you go click on that check availability what is what does it run off baby's blood why is that so expensive I don't know it might be a lunatic that owns it then you know or or its let's see that's good 60,000 I don't know it might be like a collectable year this podcast is also brought to you by hims 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Channel and and with the first meeting I had with a new president she hated my guts and she was like what are your hobbies I was like hobby [ __ ] do I look like I'm a man she was like what I think with a [ __ ] like hobby like I'm like putting rocks on top of each other I have no idea and she I was like I do stand up she was like like what's like a hobby and I said stand up I write jokes and she's like no that's your job yeah and I was like oh that's it that's all I do is I just think of funny [ __ ] all day and she was like you need a hobby and I could not for the life of me figure out a hobby and then now I don't have any hobbies yeah I do I do videos yeah I work you out that's not yeah you don't have a hobby I don't have any [ __ ] hobbies I agree what's your hobby yeah I'll have one ours no I don't have a car collection I I like cars I've always like bought car magazines I just but I don't have a hobby I had the same thing by the way I talk about it in therapy I was bummed out so funny I talked about it in therapy I was like I'm bummed down I feel like everyone has hobbies you know like [ __ ] even things that like Tom Papa love bakes bread spread and you're like that's his passion and I go and then he's like well you you know you have a you know family you have kids you know really have their young Rogen hooks yeah yeah hundred hobbies for men ooh good call men's Gazette ready smash a pass let's see animal rescue that's not [ __ ] a hard pass hard [ __ ] pass antiquing straight men type in straight men now keep going keep going oh it's another hobby his he is Rogen's got archery yeah strong astrology astronomy astronomy astronomy you got it Pass barbecuing yeah I'm eating eating that's obvious I've been pretty good at that yeah yeah eating hey anything that's not about [ __ ] hobby billiards that's another hobby of his it's another hobby of Joe's bird-watching okay okay I'd rather go [ __ ] watching in a [ __ ] West Hollywood gym than go looking at birds burn is so pathetic vlogging these are the dumbest [ __ ] hobbies overall playing that would be a fun hobby we could get into that how weird would it be if I showed up and I was in character I was like allow Tom boat-making how about just boating I don't want to [ __ ] build a boat why is it boat making bonsai tree sculpting I'm try think about how quickly I would abandon sculpting I'd be like back now [ __ ] this stop scrolling stop scrolling I my therapist said you need a hobby and he goes he's like what what something you think you could do and I was like oh no maybe like leather crafting and he was like okay so to a leather shop I got some leather I was like I'm gonna make a fanny pack I made the biggest [ __ ] you made it it's so ugly I made it then I was and then immediately my hobby turns into money I got one if I could sell this on the road yeah making fanny packs moving merch and it's a it's a 25 gallon fanny pack so I was like I was like oh no just i'll have it go all the way put a 12-pack in it that's fine bowling pads no camping no kayaking who's you know what the other thing is dumbest thing I've ever heard if someone goes so you have any hobbies yeah I like to get in canoes like yeah what do you mean okay do I canoe um how about the [ __ ] just the storage and like the the main all that bothers me immediately like I got it tie it to the roof I have a canoe you do we're at your house now our new house it came with a canoe and a pool tame with it yeah there are you in that house no no we're so far away from being in that house really yeah wait keep going canoeing car collecting the other problem with car collecting what space yeah you know what that car collecting is real cuz fluffy has legit he has a warehouse now it's cool that I think it's cool that he picked a very specific claim that he likes yeah which is he like these VW vans and stuff that's what he loves yeah he's apparently got he has rows of them like I just think that's so like not to be disrespectful but it's so but I can't wrap my head around it like it's so bizarre to me really part of it the like the fact that it would be one specific car that when I had them on my podcast we talked about it yeah and I was like why that car but he just what he said it was his first car and he loves it and and he loves that car it's just so it's like Russell Peters collects watches yeah and I think it's interesting but I go I end up going like don't you just want one that counts your steps like hmm like how much [ __ ] you want on your wrists yeah I guess it's not for you like I'm blown away that people wear red leather wristband watches really I go see you take that off and get in the shower give me times I showered with a watch on in high school I was like [ __ ] and it [ __ ] it up Oh hundred times I [ __ ] ruined uh III just I can't do that I could get into that I like I mean I like watches but I mean that racing I could get into because I do feel such a thrill and it's up it's one of those things where when you do it like Adam Carolla racing like yeah you go this is my new hobby I'm gonna get a race car I'm gonna go out to the short track I'm gonna run against the guys I think both track days where you're like trying to get you know set times and actually competitive racing is is probably really fun to be a part of I was thinking about getting motorcycle getting into motorcycles very seriously really very seriously and what's stopping you just death but I mean you but maybe you won't die just do it probably more ammok and poetry pottery Oh like why would they put those together cartooning animation is work that's a [ __ ] that is God so stupid these are the dumbest [ __ ] hobbies chess no thanks cigar-smoking there's a good hobby right I got that who's out is alcoholism on their healthy roasting you mean I grew marijuana that was a [ __ ] pain in the ass yeah are you done with it uh yeah and I have like [ __ ] three ounces of marijuana was it good I haven't smoked and I'm terrified to smoke my own why I'd rather smoke someone's weed who knows what the [ __ ] to do you gotta try it dude it's the whole Roy joint all right cooking it's not a hobby it's a culinary experiences dancing we're both better big in that yeah we're both resigned answers what's this guy what wait dwarf ISM dandyism dandyism Zaha wait what is that hold on what is why would you skip past this Nadal dandyism yeah yeah it's not just about the clothes it's the pursuit of an elegant lifestyle not just and it really is that a lifestyle B what begins as a hobby just collecting grooming and decorating quickly turn into passion and then into a lifestyle dandies don't generally consider it a hobby but damn babies who they are and it is exhibited in all aspects wait I want to explore this let's get into dandyism yeah dude call me a dandy shut the [ __ ] up okay so it's just it's just like being well-groomed that although I think it's like gay but not sexually does that make sense we go out of images go just into the all results you know I mean yeah [ __ ] that type in dandy comedian and see if I can take what wait what is that what is this explore what is that one say there yeah yeah click that excessively concerned about his clothes and appearance a fop a fop informal something or someone of exceptional first-rate quality oh wait Groban is dandy a slur I like that because I've been saying it for the past five minutes it's dandy a derogatory term where Danny is Jack they're often sarcastic adjectives being fine or great when using the form of a noun it refers to a well-groomed and well-dressed man but often to one who is self-absorbed this is perfect I could be a great dandy yeah but we got to take you shopping immediately buying dandy clothes right now okay let's buy I'm gonna buy dandy clothes on Amazon how do you feel about just being in like suits and stuff you hate it yeah how you gonna be a great dandy put in dandy swimwear dami leisurewear now Frank brandy Frank Debbie I love the word dandy Frank designer okay I got a Babs [ __ ] you're there you're almost there I could be a dandy we didn't even finish the pie talk I just ripped me right now oh wait wait so here's what happened so LeeAnn I tried that pecan pie I pressed her for the recipe yeah she gave it to me and then started making it and I was like no this didn't taste right go back to square one and buy all the ingredient we eat it doesn't taste right eat the whole pie and then and then I would make it and then it was like this one is better and then the third pie is like how's this one like that one's great and then like oh I should just make this although how to cook something I'll make this all the time and then in a month I think you don't like it but it's gonna be so much fun to buy a dandy outfit we do stand up in it I'll do stand-up and dandy and dandy clothes and and not take it off oh yeah I'll do I'm gonna just be like hey guys I'm shifting my persona I'm a dandy now I love the flag that I love being called a dandy that is such a great [ __ ] word anyway this is my new hobby yeah guys I'm a dandy I wonder what what's the house Dana would register from you dress like this versus how you don't really do it yeah I mean it's a totally different experience so my ass hairs got tied together I'm a dandy you're a dandy if you do in that from that movie sure is that is that the line Danny if you do is very common line know from from tombstone oh you're a dandy if you do I'm your huckleberry you're a dandy if you do it was Doc Holliday a dandy I don't know dandy images yeah your Daisy if you do maybe I'll be a daisy so you keep eating pies yeah and I think six weeks of LeAnn's grandmother's pecan pie recipe resulted in about I think somewhere around twenty two pounds I hate when you fall in love with the food and you start working on that food mmm and trying to figure out that food and then you're like I'm [ __ ] put like LeAnn that's what happened yeah that LeAnn got into making baking bread yeah and so there were just loaves of bread everywhere and she was like my breads so good she was eating just pieces of bread all the time did you get into him - no cuz I was going through this when I was losing weight I am stuck at 237 I can't move weight at all and I'm good enough at it and I think you look great now you look fine what are you talking about you look fine you look normal I look normal and your face is not as bloated yeah I don't know why my face feels healthier than it normally does they've been doing any face workouts tell you what I do yeah there's an actual thing you do yeah I do every day I got a treadmill I then take this and then I get one of these clamps for cameras yeah and I put it like this and I clamp it right here and I work out like this and you play it's a if you think it's slimming yeah yeah you look like a conquistador right now yeah well I'd be a [ __ ] type in Spanish dandies I bet that's conquistadors I can't wait to see a dandy oh yeah I get there I bet they're all over a Silver Lake I bet I bet um Paul of Tompkins is a dandy he definitely he's a dandy presents shut the [ __ ] up Paul definitely presents well he is nice clothes it's the yeah yeah yeah yeah he's look definitely a dandy oh my God he's in a [ __ ] sailing outfit he's always in like great suits I don't have any suits you guys I wonder if he has the same amount of suits as I have t-shirts and sweatpants maybe he's got to have hundreds the opposite of a dandy you're definitely not a dad I'm a Dundee yeah um what is up with these bears Oh Johnny I saw this on your Instagram so some fan made these no way yeah and then to the other hand what what do you say [ __ ] you Burt yeah that's you this is amazing yeah yeah and so he gave them to me holy [ __ ] man give him your kids this is Burt and that's Tommy okay they'll love that yeah and I know which one to give which one cuz Wyatt Ellis is saying wild [ __ ] Oh for real yes hold on is he as bad as my sister's kid holy [ __ ] this kid just sat in the room just going [ __ ] it yeah [ __ ] it are you serious yeah he's he's ramping up on like [ __ ] and he's now he's fixated on [ __ ] cars so every time he just sees a car is like a [ __ ] car I'm like yeah and I'm like hey what are you saying man he was like oh [ __ ] it he said [ __ ] it it's hard not to laugh oh it's right I go like oh I can't wait to see him and be like what's up [ __ ] he's like ah [ __ ] he's saying crazy [ __ ] for real yeah yeah yeah have you been able to work him into your act at all yeah I have a one of my big new jokes is all about him really yeah yeah why well I've started doing jokes about my kids and then all of a sudden it's like they're like Minelli these things will happen in life they're like that doesn't go in the act yeah they're still super young you know yeah that's what I started yeah I don't put her finger in her ass put in the dog's mouth and I was like that's one onstage yeah yeah yeah well I mean I think how can you not though it's like if you have kids and you're a comedian you're gonna talk about what's going on in your house it's so funny because there are guys that do you don't know anything about them like Daniel Tosh you never learned anything about him as a comedian right just like commentary oh yeah who's just commentary same with Jeselnik you don't really see the other side yes ma'am I am the exact [ __ ] opposite to a fault where I'm like oh I'm telling you stuff you didn't want to know about me oh yeah it's uncomfortable yeah yeah you have zero boundaries zero yeah like like I sometimes think sometimes I live a life to write about it on stage yeah like right go like like I'm a bit about taking Georgia for a first drive in a car mm-hmm and it was the day Ian Joey you and Joey smoked that joint yeah I got home and she was they were like let's go for a ride and I was like hey this is gonna be great for the act didn't it become a good one it's [ __ ] awesome yeah yeah cuz I was hammered I was higher than I've ever been I'm in the backseat of Eila and we were I was howling laughing at this idiot trying to drive for her first time [ __ ] crying going and ila is just ila I think ila has maybe heard too many jokes about herself and now she's this [ __ ] lunatic yeah she knows she can say or do anything as long as it's funny it goes in the act San Jorge must've been panicking with you guys like laughing he was falling apart we hadn't even left the driveway ila died or the back runner through the ringer yeah I feel like it's like I go on vacations I and I really I honestly go on vacations and I go alright like what's the bit here yeah it it sucks but it sucks but I can't you know it's like look at this I'm following this this pro surfer his name's Jason O'Brien his name's Jason O'Brien he's like the first vlogging pro surfer is really [ __ ] interesting he's a great [ __ ] surfer but I don't know what I was gonna say hmm the [ __ ] was I gonna say and I ran I talked about your kids and then I'm following this pro surfer I just lost I just got lost cuz I was like I've been watching his videos a lot yeah I know and I'm like I don't want to be young and ripped and surfing what about that as a hobby for you surfing yeah I would love that to be my hobby I know but it's you're like has you got to get a board now drive out to Malibu likes so much [ __ ] if I can just find a sir that's in my distilling ooh I could get in distilling imagine if you went through the same [ __ ] you went through to grow your weed but at the end you have booze you can drink don't you think that would be a good one for you yeah yeah I don't have the space did it's still right now what I think in the new house slops paste it is still a lot of [ __ ] hobbies let's start getting equipment and have it shipped there what about oh yeah what if I made like a Burt corner whatever you build a distillery on the property do small batches yeah for high end dollars I could do that yep yeah what are we gonna name my whiskey am I gonna do whiskey I don't know why not which is probably easiest hey find out what's the easiest booze to this probably that are all the same my best vodka is probably the easiest cuz you don't even put flavour into it yeah you just need to like spin a story right what is the easiest alcohol to make hard cider meat or even fruit wine in all your case what about what is the easiest oh yeah you already put liquor in there hmm wonder what how to distill alcohol how to make whiskey at home I do small batch and I just tell them those little tribal bottles there you go we almost bought a vodka company at one point I remember that what a [ __ ] show that was why did it was it a [ __ ] show we were gonna get we were first we were gonna buy a vodka me so we looked all these places and then it was like it was a lot of money to buy a bar company then we found a place that sold vodka in packets like emergency yeah so it was like in a little pouch yeah and I was like that is right up my alley that is so my brand like I just need a bump yeah I was like they can fit in your pocket you take them on playing holy [ __ ] man you could call it til you thought I'm not an alcoholic vodka on a pouch I don't have a problem at all mind your own business sure it's 6:00 in the morning in an airport and I'm in a bathroom stall drinking a vodka you could call it you take your vitamins vodka I'll take this god they're [ __ ] awesome these pounds of vodka things were awesome and they were like yeah well stamp them we got them stamped with your logo the holy show they're [ __ ] great little little Bob and Stacey look at those Bebo's oh my god dude and so I had no idea these exist oh they're great so we got yeah we get him in the and it was it was gonna be 75 grand 75 grand fir you could call it I don't give a [ __ ] about [ __ ] [Laughter] it's called it's called you do you I'll do me vodka we all have problems vodka these were awesome and so yeah pocket shots that's a perfect one pocket shots and so we get the order right and they're like yeah it's and it made total sense they're like we'll get we'll order it you put your brand on it like you're a little brand it for you we'll give it to you and then you're good to go we're not great so like how many do you want we're like I don't know like how about like it was great you go how about like 75 grand worth they're like perfect and then we're like great and then they're like okay they'll be ready dot when are you gonna pick him up but I was like well pick him up and okay you got to pick them up and then store them and then you ship them and I was like oh I thought yeah I thought yeah you'd send them to us and they're like it's a [ __ ] pallet like we're not going to ship those two why can't they arrange for that I don't know and it's just it was in st. Petersburg I think we were getting not russia papa and it florida and so it just got out of control and then my dad's like buddy you're not that I wouldn't start a liquor company he's like you're not you do one thing right just stick with that that's actually not bad business advice yeah obviously the other day buying a bar yeah getting a dive bar in what city in LA she plays you can go to to find a place where I can think yeah like it making an office slash bar yeah so like I could go there in the afternoon get some work done yeah get some work done yeah and then open the doors up live band do a little stand-up this is a good idea yeah how much do that cost would you go into a bar with me I would walk with and do it with you let me ok can I can I tell you can I pitch it to you ok ready yep name of the bar is rickshaws have I told you this before I don't think so ok maybe bars rickshaws ok in front we have 10 rickshaws and if you live within a half mile of my bar I'll come pick you up on a rickshaw and take your home on a rickshaw so drinking and driving ok you get a fun night of you want a rickshaw with you check right comes run over hey hey I think I think this could this could work out yeah all the rickshaws are sitting on on Riverside right yeah we're kind of overhead we're looking at not much I mean we have 10 rickshaws in addition to the bar and the upkeep of the bar know how much a rickshaw costs and then rickshaws are super cheap and then what who do we hired a driver right hire just anyone oh yeah oh it's only [ __ ] 150,000 rupees okay that people also ask right underneath it surprise of a rickshaw oh it's a lock it's 1.2 lakhs hmm dude we get put about put how much is a rickshaw in the United States undocumented workers is that what the right politically correct thing to say is instead of illegal alien yeah undocumented workers yeah all rickshaws legal in the US was an electric Google how much is an electric rickshaw no no you want the old-school rickshaws but that's the next one they're just as you know what the [ __ ] man all right rickshaws it would be great okay I would love I would love like just a dive bar how much what do you will are you willing to invest in this I don't know how willing to don't have these I bet we could open up okay well if you had to open one thing okay I'm gonna I'm gonna give you a bunch of different ideas of things to open okay okay how about a beer garden beer garden it only sells hot wings and french fries right open outdoors so you can smoke marijuana smoke cigars yeah beer garden right we get an old what we do is you know it's just eating up money in LA but these [ __ ] these nurseries they're eatin up money cuz they got to keep they need all that space for all the all the trees and stuff what we do is we pair up with a nursery item down we're gonna get you know you know you go we're getting you out of the city right mm-hmm out of the sea what if we pair up with a nursery and just get them a drinking license a place to bar you have all these beautiful trees in there nice drink under the trees drinking the trees in the end all the [ __ ] beautiful smells just a great idea I like that well that's not a bad idea that's not me this is what this is about it's about coming up with million-dollar ideas yes and that's a good and that's also kind of a hobby now it's more entrepreneurs oh so we're counting bonsai trees wait let's go back let's go back to our hobbies list real quick because I want to see where we are with that just stealing was really good I can't do that at all Oh have you flown a drone now uh it's pretty [ __ ] fun is it it's really [ __ ] fun I almost you know so funny I almost brought my drone today to fly it type of idea of a promo I wanted to do and I was like I'll just do it for Tom I can't get anyone to do it for me yeah and I know how to fly the drone what's this old picture taking what's your idea for the promo I want stupid I'm when I tell it it's not gonna be as cool as when I I want to take the drone off I want you to be sitting in a chair on the beach like a like a lazy boy or something we'll move it out to the beach and I'll take the drone out like a quarter of a mile in the ocean and then [ __ ] zooming in and then and it just lands right on you and you go hey and yeah oh you're way hey you know you really like doing these promos love doing promos and you cut yourself your own stuff yeah and you fly though drone yourself I fly the drone myself I have your own drone yeah I'm own drone it's great yeah I like ILO ship what's fellowshipping it's like joining a [ __ ] frat it looks like whoo hold the [ __ ] phone Freemasonry I could totally become a freemason let's get into a Kiwanis Club what about Freemasons why don't we join that know what's the best fellowship oh let's get into like one secretive one that's like relations that's super gonna learn like super secrets about like the presidents and stuff that's the Freemasons man oh here we go a little bit let's join the illumina well there you are there's the fourth one join that horrible idea why don't you join there it says Christ your crash or cry sure it's waiting for it is led right to this what's Ordo Templi Orientis yeah this is good let's do the secret societies for him see first one that came up freemasons yeah loominatee skull and bones that's yeah that's a that's not good at school right I thought that was what's the rochesters watch Russians what the Christian Russian okay Rosicrucians Rosicrucian x' I don't know rosacea Rosicrucians were purported to be using occult practices to bring about a global transformation three manifestos launched Freemasons I have been playing okay I don't anything about it all right Bilderberg what's that the world's most influential movers and shakers met in a hotel to discuss the coming years Global Agenda until you meet every year but the context of their talks have remained a Roselli guarded secret they are not technically a secret society since their existence and membership are not in Cuellar's of Zion see that's a Russian document called the protocols of the Elders the International Jew the world's most foremost problems oh [ __ ] Oh God Hitler read the book was influenced by it this is a pretty good Society Knights of Templar oh yeah all right I don't know man I feel I should I think we should I feel like Freemasons might be the most chill of them we just read about wait how hard is it to join the Klu Klux Klan easy how can you can you look up how you can join they don't really still have a clue Klux Klan do that yeah yeah yeah they do of course know you think the Klan is done yeah I think it is done no it's not done yeah no that southern law Poverty Law Center it's not enjoyed them no no there it put some bankrupt their membership I'm sure is like in the toilet but it's not like they don't exist no but they're not like this sounds silly but this is what's wrong with what's happening in media is like I didn't know that actual right white supremists were in Charlottesville you didn't know that there were actual I didn't know that they were actually white supremacist in Charlottesville for it on that day or young lady general and no on that day I did not know I thought it was one of those like speaking and hyperbole the way the media does like it's white supremacist and I was like oh it's probably just oh there were actual white supremacist I didn't know that yeah I did by when I hear the news I fade it I turn it the volume down a little bit in my head where I go everything you're saying is gonna be jaded to one your side of the yeah you start nothing yeah it's like so that's what sucks about news these days I don't believe half the [ __ ] that is actually true like I really honestly thought the Ku Klux Klan was put out of business by the southern law poverty center can we get a current how about current met like how many current members is the Ku Klux Klan have because I bet you it's not nearly what it used to be but I'm sure that's still a thing that's not the the secret society we want to be a part of at all no but I think we should put from there since 2017 is still based in 22 states I mean okay ready fun game naima states don't look don't look oh yeah look because it's in that report okay okay we can get with there's 22 right Alabama Georgia yeah Georgia Louisiana Arkansas Texas Florida South Carolina North Carolina Virginia Tennessee it's probably in Idaho it's definitely in in Missouri Missouri yeah it's got to be in widest Washington State Montana yeah definitely in Montana yeah definitely in Kansas and it's probably like well Illinois it's an Illinois and Indiana and Ohio Alaska hmm we gotta close do we name them see there's got to be the list okay Missouri or Mississippi Mississippi that's kind of most obvious for wanna Kentucky we didn't say Kentucky Tennessee Texas Arkansas Georgia Maryland I did not see Maryland coming the Caroline okay West Virginia we didn't say what oh that was worse Charlottesville was Illinois is there Louisiana may mean I didn't say Mae Mae Michigan I didn't see New York really no Oklahoma New York City and Sylvania Washington well we didn't get it all right God dang it this I guess you can't judge a book by it's cover hmm so if there's any secret societies out there like hardcore ones that we didn't name that want new members yeah hey man you want to new members with a platform that will destroy your secrecy if you guys are looking for if your secret society is looking for someone who can't keep a secret yeah here's an honest question how are you supposed to know what to do with your money very few of us are exposed to meaningful advice on how to manage our finances even fewer have the means to get professional financial guidance betterment is a platform that was built to do something radical give accessible financial advice that puts you first if you're like most Americans your money is 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data from strain activities sleep the sleep coach that thing tells me every day it lights up you need to get this much sleep you should get to bed so I follow it man I actually follow it last night I got an incredible almost eight hours of sleep which to me is just mind-blowing I love it measures things like resting heart rate heart rate variability sleep recovery strain mountain of data analyzed by whoop it starts giving you results about how your body is doing in both exercise rest and what you need whoop works with the best from the NFL and CrossFit to Navy SEALs but the insights apply to all of us even to fat comedians like us so if you want to get on board with how how your lifestyle is affecting your rest your recovery your your exercise I'm telling you it has become an obsession of mine go to whoop calm right now use the code bears at checkout for 15% off your membership today that's woop comm use our code bears be EA RS for 15% off your membership today I was a member of a fraternity yeah I know you were can I ask you this because there was some people that I had a roommate and then he joined a frat I went to a really small school so it was you know extremely small I didn't join like this huh so there's like that point where it's a friend of your and you go I so like what really is like the secrets in there but like can't tell you man I'm like are you [ __ ] serious like do you really buy into the secrets of the fraternity like no but you know you know what I found out later is like I remember trying to do the secret handshake to copy Eddie and then he was cuz he's an ATO and he was like he was like eh yeah we did ours different I was like no and it kind of defeats the purpose of having a secret handshake but I mean like so when you were in it though yeah you know I was hardcore I would not I would not tell a [ __ ] soul I wouldn't tell it on here right now really oh yeah cuz I would I would be destroyed like every ato would just be like turn their back on me and be like why why when you could not tell it you know right right and it's so easy not to tell but I are they significant secrets I mean yeah you know what's fun is I I sprinkle him through my act you do yeah and then Atos will come up and be like I got that oh really oh it's fun as [ __ ] yeah little Easter eggs you have little Easter eggs in the act yeah okay little easter egg sometimes I'll say I did something and you'd be like wow so odd that you said it that way and that's for it's for guys in the fraternity that go oh shut the [ __ ] up really yeah so deep that was the first was being in the fraternity meaningful to you oh yeah I would say it's two events in my life I see I grew up around women so many women that I was super sensitive super soft and I didn't know how to interact with men like my dad was a man but he was a lawyer yeah he ran marathons so he wasn't like you know going to an all-boys Catholic High School and joining a fraternity were two things that helped shape helped shape me who I am today Buono an all-boys Catholic High School was the best decision I ever made and I know push agrees with me when it comes to she went to an all-girls Catholic High School that's right it's one of the greatest experiences I've ever had and it and it turned me into the guy I am today I learned that like it was cool to get rid of the idea of like being cool to pick up chicks or having to have cross it'll really be yourself you could I mean you were at school so you just be yourself it was 100% yourself and in being yourself that much of the day their parts your personality that you discovered that you main I don't believe I would have discovered had I been around women when I went to when I was in eighth grade I was like I was eighth and seventh grade I was really cool like like cool and um there are a lot of parts of me where I didn't know who the [ __ ] I was like but I knew that it was being accepted so I was just doing more of that and then I got to all-boys Catholic high school I started doing that and I was like wait who the [ __ ] is this and then it was all about all that just [ __ ] shaved off me am I the time I graduated I was a hundred percent me like I didn't even [ __ ] about I didn't give a [ __ ] about a lot of stuff then when I went to after college I joined a fraternity I found out that I was genuinely funny like freshman year I found out I was like in all intents and purposes hilarious and I would we go to chapter and I would basically do stand-up a chapter where I would sit in the back and just heckle and I would say things that I would say I would go how the [ __ ] did I think of that like so quick one of the funniest things I've ever said in an orator natee and this got me kicked out of a meeting I was in a fight with my buddy Eddie Fernandez Eddie wood lived with me and he had kidnapped my dog it's a long story mm-hmm and so so we were we were not speaking at the time but he was living with me but weren't speaking at the time he was the he was the head of homecoming and and it was falling apart like he were with Katy Katy or kick Kappa Alpha Theta we were with KB or DG one of them and and it was falling apart and he said something about the homecoming and I made a joke about how I was falling apart and everyone laughed and Craig Liana said hey that's one strike okay so three strike out kicked out the meeting said he goes says another thing about about homecoming with DG and or tried oh yeah homecoming we'll try it out he goes and I make another joke and everyone oh this is not gonna be as funny as it was in the report then but everyone [ __ ] laughs and Kirk goes hey that's strike two and he goes Burt I hear one more joke about tri delt or about homecoming and you're [ __ ] out of here okay and I go I understand that and he goes all right Eddy proceed and under my breath I go all right - tri-delt walk into a bar and the place went [ __ ] bananas yeah and and it was like a make couldn't even deny that it was like which it but it was like so I'd learned how to be funny in that group of men right and I think it's my personality today it's why I do what I do I think had I gone to an integrated like co-ed go ahead school I would have been a dandy you would not have been a dandy I might have but I really honestly like my lowbrow [ __ ] goofball sense of humor was shaped by those but shaped by dudes and by before I would say for you was probably locker rooms yeah I guess yeah I mean I think it's that I moved so much so I was always trying to make a new group of people laugh really yeah and I think sporting sports play a part in it for sure for sports yeah that's where you like you know you kill in the locker room or on the team bus yeah it makes you feel like you're you know you're definitely got something else going for you but on a bus oh yeah I miss buses yeah I mean a team bus ride is like a bonding experience like no other man I used to murder on bus rides of course like mmm I mean I would get on a bus ride Tom and I would have so much material prepared I would I mean you understand like that was like the only time I ever really you prepared material I'd be like I'd be like all right here we go we're gonna do we're gonna do like I would I I bus rides I miss that so much I wish there was a way I was talking to - NFL player once probably public buses are not as much fun no never they not know I told him that I said you know the only thing that's like exactly that's similar between a high school athlete finishing their career after high school and a professional athlete finishing their professional career he was like they're not somewhat I'm like no no but this part is the part that similar is that when either one is done that camaraderie is done so you play professionally your course up way better athlete but when it's over you're like oh the fun like the hanging out is over that's the bummer about sports ending after high schools you're like I like those bus rides the practices the getting together to [ __ ] about the game or whatever like those are the most fun parts men that's what I like about being on a tour bus this morning it's just like everyone's in and you start breaking balls about the night before yeah like you're bringing like more people now I love it I love it I don't even realize I'm saying I wish I could get on buses and I have a [ __ ] tour bus but I love that busting balls to reason like the reason that I would that I keep we keep saying like we should tour together is I just want those mornings yes where you're waking up and everyone's having coffee and everyone's like so what happened to you last night yeah that moment the I there are things in life where I my heart skips a beat those moments or the best is dude I wish I could recreate the camp scenario where everyone's in bed and everyone's talking [ __ ] to each other from bunk to bunk to bunk just like that was that the hot one of the hardest that you know when you remember [ __ ] almost puking your your laughs it's a heart I remember one on a camping trip like it was it was a school trip and it must have been in there's like we went to I don't know some [ __ ] camp place and I guess we were probably in seventh grade they were in seventh grade and one of the kids his name was Eric Mitchell and he was tall and he was goofy and his dad was a chaperone you could tell a reluctant chaperone like you know some of the chaperone dad's like hey guys it was the ones who are like I don't know why I'm doing this it like his wife made him do it or something and we were all up late just goofing around it's probably like I don't know 11 o'clock at night and they had lights out at 10:00 and we kept talking and he was and the dad the Scheffer was like in the next room so we could he could hear us talking he was like be quiet like trying to go to sleep and we were like alright so then we're in bunks and then like we keep talking I'm like saying something to the kid over there and like we're just goofing around he's like I said be quiet and like you know that you gotta be quiet and then on the third time and there's a we're also were seventh graders yeah this is a kid's dad he goes shut the [ __ ] up and like I laughed too like to the point of like paralysis okay I couldn't breathe oh I could not breathe oh and I still remember I don't remember just remember it happening I remember laughing so [ __ ] hard that I basically almost threw up in the bunk the hardest I ever laughed at a camp scenario we're in 10th grade maybe not 10th grade maybe 11th grade and we go to this place called Windy Gap yeah and Windy Gap was a Christian youth camp and you went there cuz you go go skiing so you go there over winter break your whole everyone like it was like a young life thing yeah everyone just went to go skiing right yeah so we go we go up there we all we all smoked jailhouse joints where you put toothpaste on a cigarette or all smoking cigarettes you sponsor to do any of this [ __ ] smoking cigarettes and three of my buddies who I still couldn't even tell you who words except for the one guys Sal I'll go out in the woods get drunk I'll get so drunk that we go in a confessional or whatever you're spreading any throws up right so they pull Sal out they pull out they take him to the nurse he's throwing up they find out he's been drinking they take him back to our room and they're like and it's now it's nighttime and we're all in bed and we're like what everyone's talking about what happened to Sal they bring Sal in and he lays down on the on the floor on the in his bunk right and they're like and they're like Sal we're coming back for you we're putting you on a bus tonight and we're sending you home the only way you can get out of that is if you tell us who else you were drinking with now two of the people in our bunk rooms have gotten drunk with Sal and they leave right then they come back and it's the whole staff and they're at our door it is pitch black by 10 o'clock at night they're putting a bus Sal on a bus at midnight unless he tells it who it is it is such a serious moment and they go Sal now tell they're all staying at the door they go tell us who you were drinking with and he goes I don't want to go home and they're like just give us a name yes I'm sorry to do this I was drinking with Jack and they're like Jack who and he was jack me off and they're like Jack me off and we are crying right and they're like who's Jack me off who's jack me off and we are is like the and we're dying laughing he's like he's jacking this room hey turn the lights on we gotta find jacket he goes I'm kidding I'm kidding I was drinking with I was drinking with with Amanda and they're like a man - here he goes Amanda hugging kiss so we're dying laughing and they're like this is not funny this is not funny and he just goes Jimmy Jimmy he's your wife here Niko's and she kept popped in I am here Sal do you want to talk to me and he goes no I just want to tell you you're a fat [ __ ] and we're all like we're like all [ __ ] he's like get my bus to get ready [ __ ] I'm going home for it sounds lemon out blitz him on a [ __ ] bus he took a bus back to Tampa dude we were it was like one of those moments we were like yeah oh you can't do anything to us yeah oh dude I [ __ ] I love that [ __ ] that's classroom stuff man I mean I got I got detention in fifth grade in fifth grade the punishment the detention there was that you just didn't get to go out for recess Khalid said and I met I got taken out of recess like 25 times for saying things in class but not you like you're such a quiet dude but if I found a moment to say something I remember one time somebody somebody was doing like a fifth grade we're ten and she's doing a presentation about her grandmother and she she showed a picture of her and I was like is she alive in that picture somebody when the teacher was like if you make one more comment like that you know you're not gonna and I just she kept talking and I made another comment about her probably being dead and then she was like I mean people laughed and then they're like you don't get recess I was like it but I never get recess I love it I love when I Lois was a she got in trouble for flushing her socks down the toilet me she was in like kindergarten yeah and then we were like we're like ever we go hey baby my wife's like lands like you should talk to her so we're walking to Gelson's and I said I say I'll I heard you got put on the bench for recess again and she's like yeah she's like in kindergarten and I was like well what is that didn't that bum me out not to be able to do recess and you gotta sell on the bench she goes I know the good games don't start until I get off the bench I said what do you mean she goes I mean I create all the good games so they just waiting for me to get off the bench I go baby but what about Lily like Lily doesn't seem like she gets put on the bench that much isla looks at me dead in the she's in kindergarten look to me she goes hey Dad Lily doesn't take enough chances and I'm like oh my god she got in trouble again did playing eyes-closed karate she created a game called eyes-closed karate with all the kids in her class and they knocked him unconscious it was just closing their eyes swinging and this kids like how to play oh my did I lie cuz I Ellis is doing this thing where let's say you know he's trying to climb in this charity Falls I go are you all right he goes stop asking me like immediately and I'm like dude I got to spend more time with Ellis this [ __ ] kid seems brilliant I'm like dude I'm just asking if you're okay he goes stop it stop it I'm like any time any time I'm like you alright he's like shut up I'm fine God stop asking his brother the [ __ ] guy yeah these guys I'm like dude you fell he's like shut up I'm fine I remember one time ila Allah have you seen it the video of the girl eating a jalapeno I reposted it I reposed on my thing I remember one time I sliced jalapenos and ila goes tripe in little girl jalapeno it's funny the funniest [ __ ] thing it's on my Instagram that would be my stories it's probably deleted yeah follow me on Instagram the I just got Tik Tok because of you guys these oh it's good I'll say you some good talks to get started um I saw david dobrik do this elephant pace challenge mmm it's [ __ ] insane which girl is it it's a discouraged yeah oh my god oh my god play this way dude headphones on yeah yeah I guess so how did you know oh yeah you just typed it in that's a good picture you Tom that is a good picture hey that's right new headshot is my green grab that screen grab that and send it to me I'm putting that on my Instagram right now screen grab that control all for whatever screen grab that and send that to me I will have artwork before this show's over okay all right play this this is [ __ ] hilarious wait you guys what is that it's kind of a mean mom right a little bit zoom in on go fullscreen you got to see this kid's face when she realizes okay where do you see this kid's face tall oh is that not [ __ ] great yeah I mean the nice how you sell some tickets do that - Ellis give him a jalapeno and then watch him just go off like a trucker like an ice road trucker who went off the [ __ ] side of the road [ __ ] [ __ ] dad he spit [ __ ] out all the time it would just be he would just go like and he just like [ __ ] throw it he throws food across the room he's like ah like dude don't throw the [ __ ] food they just shoot up across the room yeah I don't like it you and push should go on vacation and leave your kids with me and Liam yeah and George's on Isla yeah and we'll just we'll just zoom him up for you wrap him up teach him swedish rekt we should maybe way to beat if you want it you want an 18 month old that's how old that one is yeah man Jesus yeah no no he's starting to figure out like he's way ahead of stuff and he's starting to reel yeah yeah yeah so he's uh he's starting to figure some [ __ ] out and then he's big and he's like he's like oh I can like he said he went up he punched his brother yeah he started figure stuff out really yeah yeah it's fun yeah well uncle bird will come over you should come over and and have some fun with them oh I can't wait yeah I'm high as [ __ ] they're a good time yeah [ __ ] do they go they dick punchers no good yeah I know that dick punchers are rough man no they're not into that but boys are too I'm not always super comfortable around boys because they're like I remember wait a friend whose son was masturbating all the time yeah and they're like hey man you can't play with your pee pee in front of people if you want to play with the pee pee you got to go to your room and he was like okay they're like and I the dad was telling me so yeah we were working on it we were working on it and then one day we're at a barbecue and he comes in over to us and he's like I was gonna go play with my peepee and my my rooms anyone else want to come and we all do to each other like any takers on this one I'm gonna hard pass on that one buddy Ellis just walked in with me to Starbucks of the day and I look and he's got his hand down his bent just one hand and he's just looking around just one hand in his pants like what are you doing he's like I'm holding my penis down and I go well don't he's like I have to and I go why I go one he goes to hold it down and I go but not here to take your hand now he goes if I take my hand out then I will hold my penis down and I'm like just I keep trying to get him to stop then I go just do it then use like [ __ ] it you put your hand in your pants like mine or together holding my penis down yeah what do you think he's gonna be when he grows up Oh something like not a corporate job oh really no Ellis will be like you know I'm [ __ ] I'm distilling and in an archery range yeah he's gonna do something on his own and then I see you know Julian as being like oh I'll get a job like a perk like I normal ya know Ellis would run run books Ellis gonna be doing something that uh most people would think of as a hobby yeah yeah I think Lee I think that's them Georgia will have a job Georgia gets a job at Fox working in publicity right right gets it through kotti like it gets done with college early getting right away just like that I have my 401k also let me Jesus okay I'm like I don't even know no w-2 is and then I'll be like I'm making Jam dad I need a ticket to Ibiza I'm DJing next week making jewelry wait are you a porn star is this code for porn star oh yeah like you're Harry beaver Franz dude I saw the craziest [ __ ] porn the other day yeah where the guy runs where the guy runs over naked down the street to [ __ ] her because she's like I don't want to I want to nude I'm not I don't not [ __ ] we're I'll get a new daddy what's that no I don't know what that one is that's a good one no it's Japanese the premise is a Japanese guy can freeze time so that it's all actresses and actors they're on a subway and then the Japanese guy goes freeze freeze and he lifts them and then they just go like this and then he just [ __ ] plays with their body lays them down comes on their face and then unfreezes them and they're like what the [ __ ] happened yeah but it's such a weird that's so cool how far did you make it I wiped fast-forward it until I got to the things it's all pixelated and I'm like on you can't be this [ __ ] weird yeah yeah dude I don't know if it's just Japanese porn stars but Japanese porn star I'll say Japanese porn stars make a lot of noise when they do [ __ ] like oh yeah oh yeah it's really [ __ ] like you like it no no not at all hey oh this is what Ron said this is why Ron called me racist oh yeah yeah ready yeah he goes name one black porn star not a guy okay can you yeah whoo honey you're making gold honey gold type in honey gold let me see this is this is a real person yeah type of money called porn porn new honey cold videos type in ooh she's not black she's Asian she's half black she's [ __ ] beautiful holy [ __ ] yeah I don't know how I stumbled across her that's crazy so um I couldn't name one female black porn star well I can't I guess I can't really name and he was like oh what's the one that blocked us diamond it's like oh you got my [ __ ] talking to you now that one she blocked you yeah she blocked us cuz we we have a clip of her where she got where she queefs as this guy's [ __ ] her and she goes oh you got my [ __ ] talking to you now and so we kept playing that drop and then we're like let's talk to her so all the fans started hitting her up yeah then she blocked up she blocked all of us diamond Jackson that might be her is that you know oh the only one that anyone could name was Laurence Fishburne's daughter what host Fishburne's daughter's a porn star I'm I'm I had that wrong no you made a porn star or she did a sex porn star really I think so which is so odd because it's like cuz then but then I said I'm gonna pose this question to you right what would you rather do what's her the tragedy Montana if she must have passed man it was not fun oh no he just disowned her he did yeah yeah I kind of have to hey you know huh they've ruined porn for you yeah that's true that's the part you're upset about yeah you're like what the [ __ ] now what am I supposed to jack off to yeah real cool really cool okay I can't go on a random search now because of you yeah I can't just [ __ ] so wait what here's what I said would you rather okay same money same money same amount of respect imagine if there was no stigma to doing porn okay and I know that there's feminists to say there isn't a stigma but I think there's a little stigma there's a stigma there's a stigma if there's no stigma to doing porn and the money is identical mhm what would you rather do have a multi-camera sitcom or where you tell jokes written by writers that you're not in love with or a multi samurai camera sitcom where you and the four characters just [ __ ] each other each other and we always have surprise guests hey it's Danny DeVito I was in another direction I'm sure you know like a different hot chick walks in oh yeah my bad Condoleezza Rice can you imagine double teaming a chick with Danny DeVito like your you're in your double-teaming attic first off like you you're you're in your you're inside of her right she's been what she's on all fours and you look up and DeVito is getting blown and he's like I mean do you think your erection would go down would you you would laugh you'd start laugh I would laugh the whole [ __ ] time yeah I couldn't I can't imagine someone I wouldn't laugh having a train I guess that's called a train so wait did Kendrick in was your driver's name wrong can he name a black female points locked Hey yeah but if you had to pick the one to have sex with it's not she's not black who is it Christy Mack by the way she might be my top one too she's number one she's yes I think she smokes you're so [ __ ] hot and she's just such an amazing body like her body's like bizarre like perfect ass in perfect legs small ankles small waist big tits who's that top and a fox so these are the top porn stars of 2000 black key make it bigger the screen okay we have your Anna Fox she's hot yeah she looks like oh you know it's crazy this is like she's oh my god I'm gonna point out something right now that you're I wonder if you're gonna see it too yeah what when white girls are porn stars because I'm so well-versed in white girl I can see it on them first like there's some telltale pornstar signatures to their face that I go okay someone's either a dancer or a porn star right but black chicks just looks like hot black chicks so I've only seen one here who sees in a sweater she's in the [ __ ] Sun at her she's not she's not but she looks like she could be working at a hospital yep that's true oh that's her it's the same girl oh that's the same girl Oh cure Noir I mean she's just so caught they don't look like poor stores they just look hot right yeah yeah I know what you mean yeah she's hot I might have to get in some black Porsche cars keep going down that's what I'll do for Black History Month uh yeah Ilia Hadid Alya Hadid she's okay let's see who's this Sarah banks yeah she looks like a fitness instructor yeah it's like there's their telltale signs of like Jennifer a lot of foxes huh foxes Jamie yeah damn me hey let's go let's go to Pakistani porn stars are there I don't know I couldn't name any Pakistani porn stars Palestinian porn stars there's that one girl that one girl the one girl who's a big Florida State fan oh yeah yes Tinian yeah well she she's kind of who are Pakistani porn stars shut the [ __ ] up who is that [ __ ] what does it say sure shows Zia Sahari Zia sahari yeah she's hot keep going this is all good [ __ ] game 8 million video views hmm telling her [ __ ] and okay and what is its head in her bio fun for a date you don't want to be sitting next on a plane you know what you're going through TSA with her all right nadia Ali oh I like she's got the [ __ ] mask on yeah oh that's [ __ ] sexy continue reading continue reading ooh bollywood dude I wish I had sex with an Indian chick do it make it your side chick that's what you should do it's totally opposite direction oh my god yeah do it Mumbai yeah Mumbai do you think about if I cheated on Mumbai a bit and Donna I've not heard a lot of rumors of aids coming out of India at all there's a zero percent HIV in in India you should do it yeah I would I wouldn't be shocked if there's if you told me there's no AIDS in India like I believe it I believe it too I'm sure we could probably do are there aids in India there's 2.1 million people largest HIV epidemic in the world oh [ __ ] yeah but think about it there's a I was just about to go into raw dog get in that country man you can't cuz think about it this way there's over a billion people in it that's why you say that's like when they say like when they go agents or bad drivers it's not the Asians are bad drivers it's just there's twice as many Asians on the road as everyone else no this would be a different way than that don't you overthink that though there's not twice as many agents on the road here yeah there is no there's no more Asians in LA than there are in a lot of places like like North Dakota yeah no that's no no yeah no there's there's there's but my point is ready there's double the amount of Asians here then there should be because there's so many Asians and therefore there's not that much AIDS in India no you know but no I'm agreeing with you but technically there's not a lot of AIDS in India it's just there's so many people in India yeah that's why there's a lot of AIDS in India but what I'm saying is that you don't need to wear a condom there by the way if you're tuning into the show thinking that we know what we're talking about you know someone's like I don't what is that Koreatown does have the largest population of Koreans outside of Korea for real I don't know hey how about did you see them to turn the lights off on the Koreans on the Oscars last night no oh they turn the lights off what no did they really yeah I forget his name but the guy who wrote parasite parasite want one for day one for best picture they won multiple you want every screenplay director international film and then Best Picture right yeah and so they he goes up to give his acceptance speech and answers translator and then then oh I think I only called the tail but a woman went to go speak right yeah and they were like we're done we cut the lights off on her and because it's a woman in Hollywood everyone's like whoa yeah don't you silence her so then they start cheering then the lights go back everyone cheers and then this woman gives a non-important speech like everyone's like all right cut the lights back off we're done here from this yeah that was I was a big big fan of that film I didn't see it it's I don't know anything about it just don't look up anything okay just watch it all right I've done just watch it I want to see you 1917 yeah I want to see that I want to see I've seen the Joker I've seen once Pathan in Hollywood I yeah I those what did you think about those speeches we're like everyone was getting political did you see well I did I didn't watch it on TV I just saw online a couple of clips oh I was I was like I you know I know what they I know what this is when I saw the clip of Joaquin yeah I was really happy for the the parasite people though III it's so weird to see it it's I I just felt like I didn't get bothered by what Brad Pitt said yeah cuz he kind of took a stand mm-hmm you know like he's like what did Hawking end up saying nothing really just like we need to speak up for the voiceless we can do better IIIi basically what he's technically doing is going hey guys I got into a lot of trouble I've been a problematic person my entire career is what it sounds like he's saying um we all know that he's like I was a scoundrel it's like don't say scoundrel you were I have a feeling what from what what it sounds like you were a bad dude yeah and you got a pass and you want to acknowledge it you got your pass so now you're saying we need to stand up and make sure that there are more minorities in the industry which it's like okay what so you like I don't know it's like I don't know it doesn't seem like something it's cool when you see like a person of color say that you know like I'm up here because people I need to be represented or I need to hire more people it's just weird and white people preach to people yeah I mean I especially with rich white people yeah I just I don't know I'm always bored by the here's what we should be doing yes all right we got to wrap this up if you are in Tempe I'm doing a Spanish show there February 20th my my Las Vegas residency or whatever want to call it shows this year start in March March 6th and 7th at the Mirage and then I'm doing a Valley Center California Harrah's Resort April 18th that's an english-speaking show more Spanish shows after that and then back to Vegas May 29 and 30 July 17 and 18 and October 23rd and 24th all at the Mirage all at Tom Segura dot-com / tour I will be adding a bunch of dates that I announced in April that will help I'm sure I'll announce on all the podcast birdie boy World Tour is off and running Bert where are you gonna be to chosen Indianapolis One Show in Evansville Louisville Medford Massachusetts I think we've added three shows mash Nantucket we've added a show at Foxwoods yep Portland Maine wilt where there is a Klu Klux Klan we found out today supercell may get a free tickets if no they don't no they don't wilkes-barre wilkes-barre Schenectady we've added a show at the what is the theater I'm playing in New York I keep [ __ ] it up you're doing the Beacon right a beacon we've added a show at the Beacon so New York New York come out and support I'm dying to hear Matt Braunger yeah he's coming here right now I think he's here right now Oh real low we got to find out what Tom's gossip was that he was dealing with alone we love you guys stories and Bert's that machine there's not a chance in hell to call no scripts Abeyta booze amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call okay [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,228,150

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: CxzLNVSmvCo

Length: 105min 57sec (6357 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 17 2020