Ep. 51 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

you ready for the fourth act the third act whatever yeah we block it so that we don't have to come home and then at the end we've got to come home and save earth [Music] wait i wanna wait why do we have to go back to saborf 100 this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by ship station the holiday season's right around the corner and this year we know that people will be buying more stuff online than ever before if you're an e-commerce seller are you ready to meet the demands of a record-breaking online shopping season be ready with ship station how do you keep track of who gets what which shipping carrier should you use are you getting the best rates that's why you should choose shipstation.com is the fastest easiest and most affordable way to manage and ship your orders help get you on your orders out quickly save money on shipping costs and keep customers happy no matter where you're selling amazon apps your own website shipstation brings all your orders into one simple interface right now two bears one cave listeners can try shipstation free for 60 days when you use offer code cave make sure your business is ready to meet the demands of a massive online shopping season get started at shipstation.com today click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave that's shipstation.com enter the offer code cave shipstation.com make ship happen oh well that was a nice way to start the podcast i ate uh i drank wine last night no wait a minute hold on yeah what kind uh fit bun but i love by the way i wish that they weren't a sponsor so i didn't feel like a shill every time i really enjoy fitbit guess what fit vine and snoop's wine are my two favorite wines oh that's great i believe you on both uh i didn't know that snoop made wine oh yeah oh yeah if if if if you were to pitch snoop swine you're like imagine what a dude who like the flavor of blunts would do if you had a vineyard oh yeah is that good it is it's actually awesome so which type of wine though like were you drinking a cab a peanut would you have like last night was a cat i think it was a cab i've been drinking snoop only makes a blend i think okay and then were you jogging while drinking this or just no watching the debates yeah that's a little tip of the hat of where we are yeah yeah yeah watch the debates and they were really good they were like really like really smart and it was uplifting and the nice thing was i think it kind of restored the dignity that that some people felt was slipping away i was like i'm i'm proud of these guys my favorite quote i read about the debates was wow trump lets biden talk more than tom lets burt lets tom talk and i was like wait is that what i sound like a little bit he was he was just he was just shy of like [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] i mean it was it was a [ __ ] show man it was a real disaster it was embarrassing to watch my dad was livid this morning he was like they called obama unpresidential for wearing a khaki suit can you believe that it was crazy it was crazy and they didn't stick to like the you know you've agreed upon debate kind of um rules and they just threw it threw it away it was it was it was embarrassing the only thing we should we have so much we want to talk about but i want to talk we should probably talk about the poll i put on twitter yeah so what you said why wait and then you right yeah cause i'm getting ready to go to tennis yeah right and i'm sitting i'm thinking sometimes it's like you know content-wise for me with twitter i try to stay out of fighting with people yeah that's why i just will say like um would you rather hit a walk-off home run or a hole-in-one yeah and then see what people say and then i like reading people's responses yeah i put why wait and i put uh biden and trump and put it in a poll and uh by the way i'm we're gonna talk about all this [ __ ] and so i go to tennis i hit it i go to tennis i get done tennis and biden is up 58 58 and i went which by the way i was shocked because i was like i thought it would be 50 50 100 percent of the 50 50. and so but binds up 58 i'm like oh crap that's interesting i didn't expect that and and by the way i didn't know that my fans i thought my fans were 50 50 too i didn't know my fans were more liberal leaning than right leaning that's odd and so then at like two o'clock trump makes a run i mean the kind of run where you're like holy [ __ ] did someone get a hold of this like that's the only thing you think is then all of a sudden the scales have swim swung and trump's up 58 percent then he's up 62 percent then he's up 65 and he closed out at winning it at 72 percent now i understand as someone who realizes that just a few hours ago biden was up i go something must have happened but that's not what happened what did happen i went to my comments and i saw i hate to out us but we are both uh left leaning gentlemen but i'm a lifelong registered democrat as i'm certain you are too um our democratic friends were horrific they were like you're a [ __ ] racist you're a bigot you want these are your fans these are your fan i'm like first of all i don't give a [ __ ] i really don't give a [ __ ] who my fans are i don't give a [ __ ] who my fans vote for at all i really don't i kind of wish that i had those trump retweeters those guys [ __ ] go crazy on the retweet button this is the the engagement this is the engagement so what happened is i found this out the bots got a hold of my tweet right so the bots then farm that out to all their tweet put it on their thing they're only followed by how do you know that like because i i have a company i pay to do analytics and these are the analytics that came up it had 1.8 million impressions jesus is a lot for a tweet okay what's the one media view i have no idea i don't know what media view do you know what media view means in the dove let me google it real quick for you so what's crazy is it at the time that that biden was up it had like 350 retweets and when trump took over the bots the when when the bots took over all of a sudden it was i remember seeing it at 12 000 retweets and i went that seems like a lot of retweets i've never had something yeah the only thing that i've had that much engagement on is when i asked about uh relationships with dogs what about with your music video nope no when i asked about something about [ __ ] dogs apparently what did you ask a dog no all my analytics guys said apparently you tweeted something about relationships with dogs is that is that the the company's notes at the bottom there yeah yeah so it says it's pretty interesting because it looks like the bots fed it to the maga community and then they took it and ran with it and the other two organically okay on the other two tweets you've got ten to five five to ten thousand profile clicks and a couple new follows yeah and so look at this so on this one oh this is your dog one this is my dog one the engagement was seven percent the engagement rate on this was 29 the cabin my netflix series that's streaming right now probably on netflix with tom segura in it [ __ ] jesus i can't [ __ ] um the cabin which got is my we got a lot of traffic and by the way this may be just the last past few months it may not be the dance video got 1.5 million impressions but the engagement rate was only 12 that's my own tv show that's my tv show that netflix played money to do a tweet on me saying why wait gets 29 engagement rate out of that 29 engagement rate which by the way i am not [ __ ] on your politics i'm simply talking about the working the workings of the internet which are phenomenally amazing it's fascinating [ __ ] fascinating yeah how many followers did i get i must i mean figure 1.8 million people right yeah yeah what do you think how many followers do you think like uh i don't know two thousand three thousand i would think more than that yeah how many did i have nadav bringing it up what oh 37 followers you gained from that game 30 seven it was you know what's so funny is i went through the i went through the retweets of which there were 22 000 people retweeted it 22 000 that's the most retweets i've ever gotten in my 22 000 is borderline viral i scrolled through the retweets they can like if someone retweets you they're maybe they'll give you a follow right yeah no i i mean it was amazing what what what their what their title like they're how they describe themselves like nra support like it was just and not one of the people followed me hardcore christian hardcore christian dad first country second and like i'm look i'm not [ __ ] i'm kind of [ __ ] on you a little bit like he's just such a [ __ ] mega dad mega mom and you're like if that's how you describe yourself it's like weird it's so bizarre by the way same for the [ __ ] left when you're like antifa dad yeah what is what is on the google thing right there what is that a dog is that a dog oh shut the [ __ ] up yeah yeah by the way our dog's pregnant definitely pregnant your dog's pregnant and we don't know how it got pregnant i have a pretty good idea i [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of that dog isolate that audio so that was so that was the twitter poll and it was really crazy it was crazy because people that i like that i like hit me up and they were like dude you're fans though like and one girl this is this girl is very sweet i want to read she wrote me something very nasty right yeah and i wrote it back i'm gonna i'm gonna read i wanna see if i can read her uh let's see she's she wrote me and said seriously disgusting seriously let down in you these are your fans these are your fans and i went this is someone you know yeah i know i don't and i went and checked her out and she doesn't follow me so she has found this tweet and she doesn't follow me right but yeah she's commenting on this tweet as if she's one of my fans and i wrote back hey is it possible that people that don't follow me found this tweet like yourself like what the [ __ ] i said this to a bunch of people because people that don't even follow me were like this is your fan base and i was like first of all i don't give a [ __ ] if my fan base is 72 percent mega and 29 whatever 28 abide in so be it i don't give a [ __ ] i don't talk politics i'm not up there like spouting off politics but then and then i wrote to her like that's [ __ ] kind of rude like and stupid and short-sighted how dare you blame me for something that you don't follow me and then you found it but now you're commenting because as if and then she wrote back yeah genuinely sorry man i'm really sorry about that like i love oh my god did i tell you about the dude oh my god did i tell you about the dude who left the shittiest [ __ ] comment i'm going to edit myself a little bit edit myself a little bit so i found out that on instagram i thought when you hit the microphone you're doing a text to dial right yeah like you're going hey man i'll call you later and then you let go and then it puts text in there it doesn't it sends that as a voice message on instagram on instagram wait in a dm in a dm okay so i did not know that that is really important what did you do oh buddy i [ __ ] up big time who did you send it to like watch this here's this is jonah ray right so when you go to the reply i guess you can't and you go and you see this microphone right here well i'm not going to say what he says to me yeah you go like this hey jonah i'm showing tom this new function on the thing thank you for your message earlier i really appreciate it i'll talk to you later no i won't i'm sorry i'm i'm not paying attention this is a [ __ ] [ __ ] show thank you jonah bye it just sends it it just sends it you see it just sends it so now that horrible [ __ ] thing there's no editing it it just sends it okay so you just sent it and now i'm sending a voice to god damn it i'm all over the map so this guy sends me a nasty [ __ ] couple guys couple guys one guy sends me a nasty message about this just about yeah about all this and i go hey man like just so you know like i you it has no representation of anything this is on the line the bots got a hold of it and then the trump supporters got a hold of it and i don't give a [ __ ] by the way also and then he calls back he i leave him that voice text on and it sends immediately and i'm like that's not what i wanted to say like i thought that i was going to be able to edit that and then immediately he replies back and he's crying in his voice he's crying he's like oh i got the roughest [ __ ] weak man like the fact that you're applied no i it goes away so as soon as you do it then they disappear like the ones do you see there's a voice text i sent to rogan the other day yeah it gives two minutes and then it disappears so i can't play it or maybe i can i mean i don't know what those anyway my point is my point is i did that to a couple people and the amount of [ __ ] they're going through in their life when they send these negative things yeah is mind-blowing like mind-blowing i bet and so the fact that someone's would reply to you and you just caught them when they happen to be crying you're like that feels good i got it that make me feel good i'd love to see somebody scared and crying uh oh well let me let me tell you this so we are um we are 48 hours from playing tennis oh hey do we have do we have the video uh yep okay yeah andrew sent me all right so so i wanna so i wanna just be i wanna i wanna front load this okay we are two different type of men if if you put one question on the table you said hey did you ever play tennis i'm gonna tell you skewed the way i do it that i played tennis but i'm not gonna leave any on the plate uh yeah i played in tournaments growing up really really well and technically i played like 10 tournaments maybe and i always lost i was really bad but i'm not gonna tell you that i played in gentlemen like because i don't think there's but if you asked tom did you play tennis growing up and he says he played in tournaments i did not play in tournaments that means he did not play tournaments hundreds and hundreds of tournaments i did very different men though i did not play tournament tennis because i already heard you last week you're like i told my coaches you played tournaments i was like i did not okay i played tennis as a kid recreationally recreational so so not relational recreationally regulationy regulation recollectiony recreationally so so going into this tom said i've been playing tennis and i said whoa whoa whoa whoa back this up back this up see him no no no no i have a hard time with how i tell a story yeah yeah no no no no okay wait i told you that i this is how this happened i said we know we're doing we're just like you're on the road and i go oh i go i started playing tennis i took a tennis lesson i'm playing tennis again and you replied i would destroy you in tennis that is exactly and i go what and you're like i would destroy you and i'm like why and you're like i used to play tennis i'm [ __ ] pretty good that's that's what happened so i know this is like when you wake up on spring break and you're blacked out and people are telling you what you did you're like i know they're making some of it up but most of this is true in this case it is all true what i'm saying i did it does sound like me like i would destroy you okay okay and then like a couple weeks later you're like yeah i haven't played a long time my coach says i need a lot of work okay well here's here's the reality this is fun it's gonna be fun we're definitely both amateur tennis players i have here's the fun thing i have no idea what your skill level is as tennis tennis is one of those was one of those sports where if you if you played a lot and you were good even if you take time off like that stroke will still be there right like you might your timing's not going to be there your rhythm if you take a long time off but if you were like a competitive tennis player and you were good you're probably still good so i i have no idea what i'm getting into i told i was telling my coach i go i don't know if i'm gonna show up and this guy is just gonna [ __ ] destroy my coach today said um i think tom's gonna kill you and he like he is he has set me up for the way he thinks you're gonna play really he he's uh he said because he's looking at ways to beat me if you if you paid my coach a hundred bucks you could probably learn how to beat me very easily he's like all he needs to do is do this to you and i was like can we not share that with anybody [Laughter] he's like look at you i mean look at you it's like what it was the analogy i said it's i sometimes when it comes to hitting a ball it's the same as trying to get laid i if i see one that's set up it's like you meet a girl at a bar and you're like let's get in the car right now it's like i kind of want to finish my drink you're like are we gonna [ __ ] or what yes like that's how i play tennis yeah i by the way i i knew that yeah and he was like are you wearing a shirt to play tennis and i was like definitely not i guess my arm i swing so hard my arm gets caught in my sleeve oh good uh let's see your pro we recorded promos do you have a promo yeah hold on you were probably too of course oh shut the [ __ ] up of course oh [ __ ] i didn't know you had a promo we both have promo oh i thought i was the only one that did a promo oh this is the greatest episode we've ever done by the way my suspicion is that both like each of our promos is exactly like our personalities that's what i think i can't believe that i tell you what mine's definitely a fun print of mine uh let's hear can we see bert's dominance modesty discipline masculinity i'm not a role model diversity [Music] if you don't write checks how do you pay these guys great cash homie [Music] i'm not above corporate sponsorship not the game that i go out there and die for i am the machine [Music] [Music] so what do you think of my skill set i think we're going to be actually um a good match really i do think so really i mean like you know i i think we're probably like similarly matched i think so i can't wait to see your video i think we can probably pull it up right now did you shoot yours in 4k i don't know probably not let's see try [Music] try harder nice try keep trying try again why try can i try [Music] i don't try i win [ __ ] you bird i like that is that the new thompson gorilla yeah so there you go there's like i mean those are exactly our personal those are definitely our personalities those are definitely our person what do you think of my skill set i love that none of the balls were hit to you they were just dropped to you let me see tom's backhand again two-handed not bad i think we're we're probably evenly matched that's what i was saying it should be fun yeah yeah yeah let me see toms again that's [Music] you don't have to play the whole thing i like it i like i want i want to see your skill set yeah it's hard so we have josh potter as our lions judge yeah and we have kevin christie as our ump nice and um yeah some people are gonna stop by who's stopping by mcenroe um pete sampras can we get kirk fox to come by look at this but that was just dropped to you i love this i love it yeah you like wham yeah i bet there's going to be a lot of us not getting to the ball that's probably there's going to be a lot of unforced errors can i tell you my biggest problem that my coach said i need to work on yeah tell me when we get into a rally that's past two or three things i start giggling i never thought that would be the end of that sentence i don't for whatever reason cause i start giggling because i go this is why you came to play like you just hit like have these long rallies and i can't stop getting you guys you got to stop giggling man like you just gotta like i have the tiger when the rally starts in you gotta [ __ ] get serious and i go i can't help it i get really giggly you have an eastern grip is that what i see there like how do you hold the racquet it's hardcore i don't know i don't know i have uh i have a few uh shots in my pocket yeah yeah yeah i have a lot of uh a lot of diversity what's your strength you think as a player uh serving serving really yeah you have a good serve i have a i have a pretty here's my problem is i can get the yips in my head so like if i get too many like if i start double faulting i'll double fault the whole [ __ ] game but um but yeah my serve my coach thinks my serve is my best part of my game that can win you a lot of points well if i can just get a serve in and just can have a good solid serve i don't need it to be awesome i just need it to be solid where it's like a little bit of spin and then uh and then just in in good yeah cool man my problem is i get really excited very easily yeah yeah yeah that happens i think that yeah and and i have a problem where i start getting placey where i go so what's your prediction what's your prediction for the match um i think i think it's going to be i think i think we're both going to turn into two patty cakers yeah who just try to like get it into the little place we'll be playing ping pong on a big tennis court we play best of three well i think mr kreicher is making a fine point [ __ ] where was lyle in the debates last night i know i know wouldn't that have been hold on let the [ __ ] talk yeah um go on bert [ __ ] have him wasn't this a brilliant idea it was it really was a brilliant idea almost as good as the [ __ ] holding company which nadav bought the holding company is there and also people uh from kickstarter reached out and said do you want to start a kickstarter for your holding company you being serious right now yes then the answer is yes the answer is yes let's see if we can raise one billion dollars i'm sure they would be thrilled to be like their our biggest one ever was for these two buckets dude that's exactly how we're gonna raise the money this is where do we learn how to pitch our thing in chinese uh do you legit want to run a kickstarter here yeah the answer is yeah the answer is yes and and we just get to a billion dollars and then what do we do start we're going to be acquiring no first of all first of all if we're being [ __ ] serious about this and i think that our our shareholders right now that are watching are probably yes what we do is we start with we start with a low ball price like maybe a million dollars and then we start doubling down that money we don't want to we don't want to let everyone in on this right we want to get these people who trust our moronic ideas and and and we started him out here him out first thing we do we're not making a food truck we're making a condiment truck a condiment truck that has all the condiments you want for the food truck so we pony up to the next of the food trucks we're like yo hot sauce and they're like yeah i can use my sauce you're like come on over here dollar you can use everything on our tray and those guys like [ __ ] yeah what are the margins on that condiment truck you think no not all my ideas are thinking like operational expenses and labor that's why we put it up to our board of our board of directors directors yeah look dude we should start a cult guys uh we got the first report here uh the condiment truck here's what we ended up doing uh we spent uh 32 000 on the truck and the condiments and the labor and at a dollar a pop to the use of the condiments you want uh we earned uh 27 this quarter okay maybe that's not the right one there you go yeah yeah maybe we haven't figured it out totally but we once we do we start doubling down this money we start making more money we start maybe micro investing over in africa i don't even know what that is technically but it sounds like something that the mormons do yeah we do we like who knows there's there's such an opportunity for us to make so much money i cannot wait to be a billionaire yeah and it's gonna happen we need them to believe in us and they do believe in us yeah we look we got this far with nothing it's pretty it's pretty crazy if you were gonna gamble on two dudes in the entertainment business with say you have a hundred bucks in your pocket and you're like hey man i'm not gonna miss this hundred bucks but if i invest in tom and bert i know that this silly hundred bucks that i was gonna waste on booze has the opportunity to be a million dollars for me yeah actually you're starting to sell me now yeah i don't know if the math works out there yeah i don't know how many 100 are in i wish you could place a bet on um somebody to entertain to see if like you know i mean if you go like oh this person let's do it yeah that's what they're doing they're betting on us who would you bet on right now me and you no no like that's not me and you oh oh who'd i bet on that's a good call oh christos stefano yeah andrew schultz yep uh norm all the new young new york comics right now dylan yeah tim dillon all the young new york comics i would bet on all of them because i think they're really hungry and they don't give a [ __ ] yeah like they're willing to fly across country without a mask yeah to do a podcast that's what you need like samurail zamarrell i would have i would bet on all those [ __ ] guys yeah me too honest poppas yep um they're all funny as [ __ ] too this episode is brought to you by hymns you know my co-host wears a hat and it's for a reason no it's sad because he is mostly 99 bald like a lot of men who lose their hair by age 35. once you've noticed thinning hair it can be too late do you want to wear a hat every time you're on camera or do you want to take care of yourself and maybe have some thick flowing luscious locks like mwah so how do you handle it go to for hims.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skin care and sexual wellness for men it's time to write a new chapter one in which you have hair no snake oil pills or gas station supplements prescription solutions backed by science skip that awkward doctor's visit just go online right now our listeners can get started with their first month free go to for hymns.com bears that's for hims.com bears prescriptions require an online consultation with a medical provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate offer valid only a prescribed three months minimum prescription additional restrictions apply see website for full details and important safety information remember that's for hims.com bears this podcast is brought to you by me undies me undies believes that comfort is not what's touching your skin it's about feeling comfortable in your own skin this isn't a michael myers movie but it's almost halloween which means you can now match your undies to the spookiest season of all time mandy's has launched three new halloween prints cats blood and or skeletons they've got something right up your haunted alley i love me undies i work out in me undies i'm not a big underwear guy when i wear jeans oddly enough but i love working out me undies they are so comfortable and i don't even put shorts on the top of them and they're kind of like my workout clothes me undies grows on trees also seriously they're made from irresistibly soft natural fibers sourced from beechwood trees that means that they're microbial it's not only just super soft but breathable light and impossibly cozy that's some seriously serious comfort everything meundies does is to help you feel truly comfortable from head to toe and right now get 15 off your first order and free shipping if you go to meundies.com bear that's me undies dot com slash bear i would bet on like if you if you said here's now if you're being real about this if you said i am uh bronfman it sounds like a rich person's name right mm-hmm bronfman leonard bronfman who just owns uh a liquor company okay i got 10 million dollars what do i do with it i would definitely double it down on me and you because me and you have the cachet to be able to make something yeah with we could get we could make a [ __ ] movie and a heartbeat can i tell you my latest pitch for a movie yeah ready ready i need artwork for this if someone can make artwork for this we can we can crowdfund this on kickstarter okay make our own [ __ ] movie here it here's the pit it's a working title it's called fat astronauts okay okay me and tom are sent to space because they're gonna start building moon colonies on the moon colonies on the moon but right they want to know how many to build and they're gonna sell them to regular americans like me and tom so they send us up to the space station with all the things we like booze food weed porn stars and they're like we want to see if your lifestyle translates to space living or if you die right and we get up there and we find out we [ __ ] love it we don't want to come back we sabotage it so they can't get us out so that we're locked up do we go up there with porn stars or they send the porn stars later dude we're all in the rocket we're drinking cocktails we're like like in the space shuttle or whatever i haven't worked out like the whole yeah i'm in on this yeah it's like the movie away the news is there like that scene too when we go to nasa and they're like are you guys here to like fix the the toilets yeah and then we're like no they're they're sending us up and then they're like you're way too fat to be sent just like you have to be in really good shape and then like a higher up goes it's a new program we're sending real fat people up we're setting bad people with drinking problems up there we want to most americans are like these guys yeah this is most americans and if we're going to make space colonies we're not going to sell to athletes we're going to sell to people who want who have plantar fasciitis and want some weight off their feet and one of the one of the uh engineers has to turn and be like these guys these are guys are way too fat for this and they're like it's okay it's okay they're probably gonna die uh houston to space shuttle two is tom there yeah this is tom we're getting a reading that there's [ __ ] everywhere uh yeah i've been jacking off a lot sorry i didn't know where to put it i've been blowing it into the walls we're sending porn stars up to help you out so fat astronauts and then you ready for the fourth act the third act whatever yeah we block it so that we don't have to come home and then at the end we've got to come home and save earth [Music] earth wait i want to wait why do we have to go back to saborf i don't know you know really there could be a funny scene i got that of a funny scene you go like you you step there like what and you're crying and you're like tom killed all the porn stars and you see floating like hot porcelain but they're dead running around your camera's not on and you see me lick my thumb and wipe blood off the screen like there's blood everywhere i need to know where the wipes are fat astronauts fat astronauts is funny see the thing is the thing about you said this to me when you started when we we're doing a live event right yeah october 15th when you once you realize that the live event is us to consumer and no notes yeah you really kind of get an opportunity to do whatever the [ __ ] you want yeah we have mistress melody coming in here she's gonna spank us and i think you know hopefully more and then we can be like i didn't know that was gonna happen um is so [ __ ] good i got 100 milligrams that i'm starting trying to break up throughout the show good call break them up slow roll them slow roll them and then how much what's the most tito's you've ever drank in the night um i'll probably handle i'm casting i don't know which is half an allen yeah yeah probably probably i'm guessing do you think you could do that on the 15th or i don't know we're gonna try we're gonna see what we can get into us dace um ymh virtual.com two bears one cave live a double xl event but that's the once so then i think to myself and this is what you when you called me and told me about the first one you ever did yeah i started going to these two are these people listening and watching like right they like the things we think of or yeah we we connect on whatever [ __ ] level sure imagine if we may just made a movie for them that's what that's the whole idea yeah and so image imagine if we made fat astronauts and then me and you just sat and said what would make them laugh like what makes us giggle what would you rather make the fat astronauts or the road trip road trip would be easier no i bet fat astronauts we can make cheaper because we have to go to space though no you don't oh okay it's one location it's one location and so that would be cheapest front let me call an exec a producer real quick and see how much i'm gonna call a a movie guy okay god damn it [ __ ] voice style all right let's see um tom okay i'm gonna call a movie guy and find out budget wise which one's cheaper okay and then and then we'll just make that movie but we won't make it for a studio or for anyone other than our fans yeah exactly we'll make it for people that want to watch it and and and we'll just make it as dirty as we want to be like no one don't need a rating yeah we're just releasing it to this yeah man racial slurs do whatever we want well we'll go shy of those but yeah well no we can put them in doesn't matter sure there's no there's no like woke executive here yeah i'm like i'm getting okay yeah call me back exactly we could just be on that be like oh man you know what's nice about i do the road trip i do the road trip and by the way i would love if we could get jennifer aniston to be our star yeah something tells me that might um why is what is wrong with her like no about being dead serious like like you reach out to whitney you're like yo help us get generation she was like and she just goes no yeah she goes what is it what's in it for her that's what's wrong with hollywood what's in it for her it's it's fun yeah what whoever lost scope of the fun that your job is just to [ __ ] around yeah people like it's crazy that you're like yo jen aston like just hang out with us and and let's create something fun and we'll laugh we're really funny and you can bring bodyguards well we got we heard back actually from jen's uh yeah reps oh for real yeah oh she already committed to do a couple podcasts and uh doesn't want to do ours that's not true yeah are you being serious totally serious she didn't they didn't say she doesn't want to do yours it's just that she's already doing a couple podcasts yeah okay uh [ __ ] [Laughter] can i tell you that's what cultural appropriation feels like yeah is when you've been in podcasting forever and then like nine what ten years we've been doing podcast and then celebrities coming into a podcast and then all of a sudden everyone's like oh you do one too and you're like i'm the reason they do one yeah like we're all the reason like yeah joe's big now but we remember when when when red band we just [ __ ] that show up non-stop dude speaking of i remember that uh go does anyone listen to your show to joe this is like really early on oh yeah he was like yeah definitely and i go how do you know and he goes because my message boards because he had a he had message boards on his website yeah so people could like i signed up for that message board and i was like that's how you know people are listening it was like yeah there's like back and people are enjoying it and i was like okay man this guy's crazy god i remember when you and him had the snowflakes on the screen yeah when you used to do his podcast and it was like back before yeah i remember isla the first rogan episode i ever listened to ayla saw you on the computer and hit a button it was on like twitter or myspace or something yeah hit a button and it went into a bit whatever it was it was on the big screen i was sitting in my recliner and she was watching you and joe on my computer and i went what are you doing and i sat down with her and we watched that episode it must have been like i'm being not even joking episode 10. it was like one of the very very first ones yeah and uh i watched it with isla i had just hit a button on my computer and it went big screen wow that crazy yeah and that's when i started that's when i fell in love with the podcast his podcast i mean obviously i was a f i was a fan of his podcast way before i even knew him by the way sidebar on this there's someone's podcast like maybe i should on i don't really remember but dak shepard's podcast um have uh you have not listened to the one where he talks about sobriety have you no because all i heard was that he fell off the wagon dude it is so is first of all it's [ __ ] awesome it is one of the better podcasts i've ever listened to really yeah because he is one he's a hundred percent honest but it's like in a really like like take it's [ __ ] just i i mean this respectfully but like he didn't get into podcasting he was in love with podcasting i think he got into podcasting because probably someone an agent brought it to him or like i don't think he was like a big rogan fan a big marin fan i think he probably found podcasting was like hey let's see if we can flip this into some money and mostly it's like celebrity interviews and they're very it's very it is very hollywood-y kind of it's not like the gritty like no no one at spotify would boycott his podcast like they'd all be like we're so lucky to have it it's a real gem you know yeah and like we're not going into spotify anytime soon they would never let this [ __ ] on there they would boycott us so [ __ ] fast yeah and i think their first like the first thing they would put they go bert's a problem that's what they would write well they would say oh [ __ ] tom caught a bite [Laughter] my point is i'm not i'm not trying to [ __ ] on dax's podcast at all i'm but because ever since i said something about it i started listening to it it's really good there's some hollywood talk i take out of it you know just hollywood talk when you hang out with enough actors you hear kind of just hollywood talk is very insightful but now that i've listened to this episode i go oh he's done a lot of work on himself like he was a [ __ ] show back in the day i didn't know i don't know anything about oh i mean i know i know who he is but i don't know anything so he was sober for 16 years no drugs no alcohol but like when he's very specific he's like it's not drugs and alcohol it's coke and beer it's coke and booze like coke and booze was his thing and then you start going i really want to party with that guy then you hear how he falls off the wagon and he falls off the wagon on pain pills and he falls off recently yeah well he fell off a couple times it's a little tough to follow not tough to follow it's just i'm not the best listener but he fell off like when he was doing i guess there was a tv show called parenthood that was from the movie parenthood with steve martin i didn't even know that i loved that movie i wish i'd seen that tv show he was on it and i guess he broke his wrist on his motorcycle and they gave him percocet or vicodins and he gave them to his wife and said dole them out you should by the way i'll tell you everyone you should go listen to this to dax's podcast which one is it i think it's called day seven i think that's the title of it it is so [ __ ] good it is so good and he is so open and honest and i i was like i was i've listened to it i listened to it straight i could not stop listening to it it's titled day seven title day seven and what's crazy is he talks about ego and about the ego of sobriety as much as i party i don't oddly enough i don't think i have a problem with drugs and alcohol the way people that do have a problem are like he said like he would take he would not take his pill at night so that he could double up in the morning and what's insane about his insight and by the way these are his insights i'm sharing them with you is he said there was and i do identify with this a hundred percent i mean so much so that it like tapped into me and i went whoa is he loved being in control of being able to give himself a good mood right and i was like that's my whole thing with treats is like i want to be able to treat myself so i can get like if i'm sitting there with nothing i'm like uh he was like there was no better feeling than two percocets two thirty milligram percocets and a cup of coffee and i was like oh my god yeah now i can feel that buzz right now back in my head going over my neck and he was like what he said another thing he goes it's not the the perks that's supposed to just take away the pain he goes it's not that that i like i like when the extra one where you go oh it's taking away the pain and then there's a little little english on yeah yeah i remember that i've been taking pain pills in forever yeah i had the worst ones and i i you know i don't have pain pills regularly yeah last time i remember taking pain pills was like wisdom teeth coming out or something you know yeah so i had that hernia operation and they're like you're gonna be in a lot of pain tonight tomorrow and the next day and the next day and i go great do i get i'm assuming i have pain pills and they go yeah yeah so i'm getting out of the hospital and the nurse goes um here you go this is what the the doc gave you uh not that strong like i'm sorry what do you mean it's not that strong she goes i mean just looking at it and like these aren't that strong and i go well can i get the strong ones and she goes i mean you have to make an appointment with him i'm like i'm in the hospital yeah just have him come down here and she's like well he's not here right now he already left and i was like i go so what the [ __ ] are you telling me just it's just gonna hurt and she was like well she's like i just thought that like they'd give you something stronger you know um this is like these are like five milligram whatever and i go i'm a big guy like this is not i'm not going to feel this dax told me they are only made for certain weights yeah the prescriptions are made for a certain weight class so once your bigger decks told me i heard on the podcast i'm such a [ __ ] by the way i'm sure i go dax talks a lot of hollywood talk and he's like and you talk [ __ ] i don't think dash could find any holes in the things you say no but it sucked man and so i started doubling up on the pills nothing nothing and then they're like they're like oh you can take some um like some tylenol with it and you'll be fine and i was like great they sucked man it was the worst i ended up getting some other stuff the uh well that's what he ended up doing is he ended up buying stuff like on the side yeah but he was keeping it from everyone but everyone i don't know if everyone knew his his co-host uh his co-host can i tell you the most interesting thing is i get hooked on something where i can't not hear it anymore him and his co-host both say the word d-i-d-n-t without the second d in it didn't they go didn't didn't didn't they both say didn't as i maybe i maybe it was my phone the way i was listening to it they don't say didn't they don't say didn't they say didn't it's interesting it's really interesting and i i i couldn't stop not hearing it then and they both do it they both go didn't and i wonder if it was if it's because they're from like i think they're both from like detroit or something i don't know where that's from seems like he's from detroit you know do you like how i just add something in that is not resolved find out where dak shepard's from who is it there you go oh shut the [ __ ] up yeah he seems like he's from michigan he probably sorry said that i'm sure he said that he didn't just like figure that out i'm sure but you've probably heard it multiple times yeah my point is and by the way i got to give a big shout out to the armchair podcast because they the last time i talked to expert i'm sure expert the last time we talked about the podcast they sent me a shirt oh and i've been wearing this shirt it's actually a really good shirt okay and that podcast that he did day seven is so [ __ ] amazing everyone should check it out it's really great um so what's up with the comment section i just see that in the notes here uh the cabin is it like all oh i'm not i'm not i'm definitely not looking at that okay oh oh yeah okay okay people wrote i hope no dogs were hurt in the making of the series i guess this is for the trailer for your new show well the will at the cabin is filled with kool-aid yeah but this happened before kool-aid why couldn't he get his good friend adam sandler on big respect to everyone involved for dealing with burt smell he has no pull to showering out there you can only imagine the smell that's actually not true i had a hot tub that i showered in excited for the jenna anderson episode yeah how [ __ ] fun would that be if jen did your cabin show apparently she won't she's got other cabin shows lined up i'm going to try it out don't be stingy netflix i hope everyone likes it everyone liked the trailer the trailers the trailer came out great and uh and the show's funny as [ __ ] um some people were removed from your show but but yeah i have the oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] what i'm accidentally facetiming that guy um you know what's so funny i i have the funniest thing to tell you but i can't i can't say it right now because it would be oh take that name out sorry i'm in i'm gonna do in a podcast hey i have a quick question about a movie okay um so what if which one is more cost effective a movie of me and tom in space where the majority of it takes place on a spaceship or me and tom doing a road trip movie in spaceship yeah and how do we how do we achieve zero gravity or do we just go and they turn gravity on and now we can walk around the spaceship uh you'd be on wires i would think okay all right thank you all right spaceship movie okay astronauts okay um and it's also a really good uh reason to not like try to get in shape before you shoot every time we're like i'm taking care of myself like hey don't take too good of a care of yourself yeah i'm broken for a role fat astronauts so you might have to might need to gain weight to make it funnier by the way i'm not opposed to that at all yeah i already think i've already pictured what if we show up like 295. imagine how funny we could make this movie for just the people watching like if if the only expectation was our fans yeah we could make and how like how many uh okay so that movie ticket costs um like 20 bucks right i don't know i don't know i haven't bought let's say someone let's say 15 right in in major cities 15 bucks yeah i wonder if we can get oh we have a million views on youtube but we're not going to get all those million what if we get 500 000 people to pay 10 bucks then that's 5 million dollars we can make a 5 million movie if 500 000 people pay ten bucks that's five million it's not five million no how much is it i think that's like 50 million that's how we're going to make our pitch this is the kind of math that makes us billionaires aren't you glad you're a part of the holding corp no it's five million dollars you're right yeah it's five million dollars [ __ ] that's a good thing we got me on i know speaking of money that's not enough money no [ __ ] we need okay so we need because the budget even if we make this you know low budget it's it's going to be it's going to be a few million dollars how much do you think we could raise our kickstarter to make that make a movie i guarantee we could get 10 million dollars to make a movie on kickstarter and then and then if we give those everyone that chips in we give them points on the movie that's not a bad idea yeah you don't want to do that [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah i mean i'm not good at math obviously but we don't want to do that all right um i want to talk about money because you like certain good things okay and i don't i don't like i never i'm not i'm i don't certain things just i don't get into like i'm not really into cars yeah you're not really into cars but but i did get a dope ass car and so but but um are you gonna tell people or no no and so we're gonna but shoes you're into shoes and i'm not gonna shoes yeah and i bought a very nice pair of sneakers that i don't understand show me so these these are the sneakers okay so they have this by the way they came with this stupid-ass [ __ ] tag and oh these are off-white i don't know what that means but yeah this is a virgil abloz line that yeah virgil avalos the designer so he got like a lot of notoriety when he started he did like are you making this up right now no no he did like kanye's all his early covers you know like a college dropout and all those things and then he went on to start off-white and he's also louis vuitton's like design creative director and stuff so he does like a lot of he does a lot of like what's it called like what's it called when you work with somebody else i can't think of collaboration yeah he does a lot of collaboration stuff but this is like his specific tell is like you know he he writes these you know these things on the shoe and then these these tags are those you're supposed to wear the tag that is ridiculous i think it's kind of ridiculous too but yeah he does things like the quotes shoe laces that's all virgil hablo stuff yeah for real yeah these are i have imagined me [ __ ] brilliant [ __ ] these i imagine are probably pretty expensive they were they were seven hundred dollars jesus yeah seven hundred dollars but i love so you saw that and you paid 700 well no i doesn't seem like you i was drunk okay just okay now i'm buying it and i just found out what stadium goods was okay and so i'm looking at shoes and i was looking for stage shoes and considering that i only wear those are good stay shoes i would only wear jeans and that's it on stage yeah and shoes i thought maybe i'd clasp up my shoes so that it looks like i i tried yeah you know so i bought these shoes you've spent seven hundred dollars okay yeah i do i don't know what an expensive shoe costs well i'm just saying it just feels very not burnt but then you said you were drinking i was drunk and i looked at it and i was like i like i like the color of the shoe and i i i saw the tag i didn't know the tag was going to come on it i and so i and i know what an off-white is i know that i didn't know you're supposed to wear the tag with it so i just took the tag off that's what like the fashionistas would keep this on yeah and so and then i and then did you take it off i just uh i just slid it off it just you just untied the lace oh i got you instead of cutting it i almost cut it well you could well yeah then i was going to sell them i was going to sell them back so i don't want them you don't want them anymore well no i now i'm wearing them today for the first time ever you like them they're really calm dude they look dumb they're really comfortable i don't know about this [ __ ] yeah but i mean look at them those shoes look dope as [ __ ] man yeah but like this is silly like a little bit it's like the weirdest looking shoe when i think i would just like you're a fashion guy now i think i would just like i want to just take out the this stuff i met virgil abloh the day he got his um louis vuitton appointment it was all in the news and stuff who is virgil abloh let me see a picture of this dude let me let me i'm gonna i'm gonna guess i'll close your eyes close your eyes i'm gonna guess what do you think he looks like he's french he's got white hair he it's balding and he is 54 years old okay and he's got a white shirt on in the picture i'm going to see okay open your eyes he's black yep i did not expect that yeah at all that's him uh virgil abloh he must be he must be haitian um don't know don't comment on that i'm guessing that's it i don't know i really don't know so i'm sure he's like a designer yeah oh wow yeah so funny the way the way i pictured him was not this and so it that makes sense that he would wear these i would when i was like a white guy made these that didn't make sense now that i see that all makes sense well now i'm like oh they do now they are cool once a black guy makes them i'm like okay yeah they're dope now pretty dope okay these aren't bad shoes then i'm only gonna wear them on stage because i don't like i i have stage shoes that i only wear on stage yeah sage shoes are good yeah and then you fly with them and i keep them in a bag yeah bring them off the stage that's the way to do it do i rock this little [ __ ] this is stupid i don't i don't think so i don't think it's very burnt i want to put her on a keychain do it so people know that i like fancy [ __ ] and then virgil will be like hmm good idea bert virgil ablo what an interesting [ __ ] name can you look at his um type in i wonder what can i tell you the shoes i really want yeah these are the ones i really want i would never spend this much they're the nike sp dunk tiffany's no i just wanted to know like his wiki and stuff oh i'll follow him on instagram how much is he worth american dessert louis vuitton chef executive chief executive executive officer yeah on the label off-white what's that cool [ __ ] name he's from rockford illinois that is he's a third nation he went to the university of madison wisconsin what a great [ __ ] school what a great [ __ ] school top five schools you could go to right now colleges that you would want to have that college experience by the way university of wisconsin and madison definitely [ __ ] one of them it's a fun space the first place i got high high high out of my mind when i was 14. yeah um i would like to go i'd love to go ohio state i think ohio state would be a great experience that would be fun um i think florida state i did it right absolute greatest life experience i'll ever have so [ __ ] fun really oh my god i wouldn't mind going to like a small private school that's like in a town where like not a lot of people live you know like uh like swanny or something like this wait yeah i do like those but those things how much do those cost hundred bucks yeah so you can get good shoes for not seven hundred dollars yeah yeah you can't but i do think those are super dope they're cool they're cool but only if you know they're cool you know what liam thinks what they're [ __ ] ridiculous just take them off i'm not walking around with you with laces pink laces on your shoes nah i think they're cool do you think push would like these yeah i think so yeah i like him oh oh i don't need to put it back on um yeah i i'm not i'm not a big i feel like i have a hard time spending money yeah yeah cause i just i feel part of me feels like the second you know i was saying this to someone the other day it's a fine line between being humble and then say and then acting like i deserve to be here yeah you know we're we're as opposed to so many times in this business we've seen guys and women and women definitely women as well who behave like they're the best in town yeah and you're like you're not that good like you need to check yourself a little bit yeah but then there's a fine line between having a little bit of what they have and then being humble you know or being sometimes too humble like i would say rogan and burr at times are too humble like like rogan is i remember rogan telling me one time he wasn't famous and i was like okay let's let's cause i was telling him i was famous he was like [ __ ] you're not famous and i'm not famous and i was like first of all you might be right about me but you're [ __ ] definitely famous yeah and by the way i'm famous because i know you okay but like but there's a fine line so i have a hard time spending money i just don't want to spend money because i'm afraid that if i spend money then i look like i'm gonna and then and then people get a reason to laugh at you when you fail oh because you spent you spent your money oh yeah look at this look at this [ __ ] guy just bought this and now look at him but then you but you do spend money i do spend money got those shoes you got a new car you're building another house just got robbed yeah yeah it got robbed what happened can i tell you do you think do you think they were like we'll teach bert for spending all this money no problem it was liam that spent the money it was they took all our appliances from your new house yeah they were just installed appliances no no they hadn't been installed yet we just just they're about to be installed in like a couple days and i imagine it's probably pretty expensive it was pretty expensive yeah it was really expensive yeah but you know insurance covers it not saying that but this is like new ovens and fridges and all that stuff and ice make great ice maker yeah great you know you know i love [ __ ] there's one thing i would bet that you have an awesome order on it's an ice maker bro i spent extra money on this ice maker because i wanted a certain type of ice big [ __ ] spender over here i want a certain type of ice i got ice popcorn ice you like popcorn yeah like kind that you get when you go to the kind of again you go to like a restaurant you know the drive-throughs that give you a styrofoam cup and you get your popcorn ice yeah oh is that expensive machine it was it's gone now and i and then and i couldn't it's on back order so i can't get one so i can't get [ __ ] popcorn ice cream i pork it's not putting pinecone and ice cream in there yeah what kind of man eats ice cream yeah it just auto populates i know um popcorn ice is [ __ ] the best and so i got i will see if we can get it i might just hold off and not even get an ice maker until i can get the ice maker i want because i i really want i'm like a big into ice please there's nobody's isolate that there's no i'm big into ice there's nothing better than like no i didn't think so wind your neck improv listen to the machine thank you the when you make like a big cup like this right and you fill it with ice and then you pour like a soda in there the soda's that much better yeah i'm a big cocktail guy right cocktail when there's nothing worse than going to someone's house and they and they're running out of ice and guys it sucks mirror mirror on the wall what is the best brand for my balls manscaped of course hold up is that a nose pube good thing our partners at manscaped are here to ensure you're taking care of your manhood and your nose hairs with the new performance package this thing is [ __ ] awesome i trimmed all my ears and my nose bald i thought that i had just like uh ticks or bacteria in my nose and ears because i'm always like it's just hair it's just there that's why i touch my nose so 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yourself on a deeper level unlock yourself with whoop uh can i tell you i'm gonna name one comedian who does not believe in ice who does not have ice in this house try to guess does not have ice in his house wait the way you're saying it makes it sound like you're talking about sebastian or something no does not have ice no no in his house sebastian's got the best ice in town i guarantee you like look think about this ready yeah think about com let's name off comics that would care about the kind of ice they had in their house okay meaning like they'd be like oh yeah first of all i've always got ice and i got different kinds and i got good ice i guarantee you sebastian maniscako has the best ice in town probably i almost wanna i thought you were leaning into an impression i want to call him right now do you have his number yeah let's call him and see if he cares about ice and if i call him and say he's gonna be like the [ __ ] you call him because i think i don't think i have his number i have his number but i don't save it so that one is that the number you have he also changed numbers three times this one i have jesus no i don't i don't have that one try this one no try yours i think mine's new okay then wait when was the last time you talked to him you talked to him recently no it wasn't recently and it's also the third number he's given me oh i don't have that number well but i'm saying i'm trying to get the right number okay by the way this might be sebastian bach i do have sebastian box number what am i ready yeah what's up baby it's not it's going to voicemail all right you try the new number you try it no he's gonna be like why are you calling me about ice but if you call me be like yeah burt calls about ice let's see if that's i have two numbers for him try this one no why not already i've already psycho called him now he didn't psycho cause right now he's got another phone on his table ring and he's like god damn it who the [ __ ] is this call this one that's what i thought you were doing shut up just just dial it all right what if he what if he answers he's like how'd you get this number what the [ __ ] bro when i don't did you put it in right yeah i think so stop saying the numbers yo i'm sick of this [ __ ] tom knock him in this [ __ ] jaw [ __ ] all right no you got you got a dead number right here that number um so should i try it yeah yeah try it let's see they disconnected this one this is the third one yeah i got the new number jesus chris so um i'm gonna i'll text him i think i'm almost certain i got his tech one time he reached out to me he was like did you tell a guy in new york to call me about my finances i was like [ __ ] no he's like some guy called me did you hey i'm doing a podcast with tom and we're talking about ice and we'd love to have your hot take on ice all right what if he like he's like i didn't know his ice hold on hey hold on a second i got a thing he got a lot of things to say about it i bet he does i guarantee you i guarantee you sebastian's kind of guy when he when he bought his new house yeah i guarantee he's kind of guys like uh let me see the ice maker yeah and they're like well it has six fridges which which one do you want to see so guess the comedian who did not i went to his house to do a podcast yeah i want to know didn't have ice and he's like i don't believe in ice and he was like oh you need ice and i go you don't have ice and he was like why would i need ice i was like how do you drink just tell me so so let's hold on let's think marin no no marin had ice marin's got it have you seen it i'm just taking a podcast i'm aaron um okay whose house did you go to to do a podcast fitz no you would do it at his house no he's a big ice guy oh he's a big ice guy what's talk about ice talking to me uh okay um i don't know bobby lee oh now it's like you're talking about a [ __ ] metal ward yeah didn't believe in ice okay do they have ice at cedars-sinai i mean yeah okay i had to take frozen fruit from his fridge he's like why do i why would i have ice why would i have ice and i went i go who wouldn't have ice he goes i don't drink and i said bobby other people use ice for other things than just making cocktails yeah didn't have ice i guarantee you i guarantee you whitney has a great ice machine we'll see about bobby so yeah ask him a [ __ ] ice he won't answer oh you think he's awake oh that's right it's way too early yeah him and isla have to carry the same hours she sleeps in that much she's sound asleep right now i guarantee it what she slept she hasn't she actually didn't get out of bed one day for 24 hours that's a good sign it's kind of like yeah we're like give to the bathroom she's like i already did it like in the bed god damn it i don't have bobby lee's number theo wouldn't give a [ __ ] about ice yeah yeah i don't know i think he might appreciate good ice you think about um yeah i think so i mean not the funny thing is once you said bobby i was like that's not something right yeah yeah um yeah everything got robbed can i tell you what really broke my heart about this robbery so i had planned my one splurge for this house was i was going to build a moat by the way is there like recording is there a camera of the robbery i don't know you want you want to hear how a divorce almost started [ __ ] i [ __ ] leanne we got all these cameras and then i go well thank god we have the cameras and she's like i haven't put them online yet and i was like why would we get the cameras if we're not going to use them she was like i don't know i why and and i did why real [ __ ] broad move i got so [ __ ] angry and i was like so we bought all these cameras all these cameras are on but they don't record she was like well i i didn't think we were gonna get robbed and i was like well no that's the whole point no one knows you're gonna get robbed and that's why you have the cameras so in case you get robbed you can go oh that's what these people look like let's just put this to the police right police came and they were like i was like you guys gonna do fingerprints the guy went [Laughter] are you serious and i was like no fingerprints and he goes nah he's like welcome to la buddy and he was like this is the new la and he said i called you when i told you this he said this is the new la because of kovid they're not arresting anyone and they're not charging anyone they're not putting anyone in prison so things are getting a little out of control and petty crime stuff like this this kind of [ __ ] no one's going to jail for they're not they don't even give a [ __ ] and so he's like so yeah who do you think did it all right guys uh i'll tell you what i could get into the i could get into the the skinny of it because here's the deal and this is what bummed me out is i was gonna have a moat built around my house i was not a moat it was gonna be like a koi pond right but in the front i was gonna dig this huge koi pond because i thought that is the best line of defense well they are digging up they're currently digging up all our lines in that yard so there are no joke i am not joking nine foot deep trenches all over this yard and these people went through this they went over the trenches the trenches are [ __ ] four feet wide this was this was definitely mexican then you're saying is that what you're saying it had to be someone good [ __ ] point [Laughter] i don't know i would think i would i it's so funny i didn't i assume build the moat build the moat build that moat dude they got over trenches that are literally like three feet wide three feet wide nine feet deep that surround the garage i mean they surround where they got and they took an ice machine two refrigerators they took it over the [ __ ] moat and so i was like most are useless like you think a moat would make sense these guys did they didn't have a problem they took my bows and arrows the ball bows and arrows for the girls we've been shooting bows and arrows they took 300 or thousand arrows i think i had a thousand arrows two bows i had [ __ ] all this [ __ ] in the garage and they just went through you feel violated when you get robbed like that you feel so violated and i was angry and then and everything was spinning apart i told you about some of the stuff in there that like like [ __ ] [ __ ] falling apart and i got so livid and i was like just get this day done just get this day done um can you tell me to end on a nice note what's going on with this mural that i saw a little shot of what's happening there where is this this is in zany's nashville and if i'm not the back side of the club i yell on the on this yeah on the side sidewall they're they're doing murals of comedians and i think if i'm not mistaken they're putting you right next to me really take a look that's you that's eddie murphy i think it's you nadav who does that does that look like tom i i could see a bit of a resemblance yeah that's tom bald head big nose you got your nose off a little bit that's a good one of you isn't that good and they got your [ __ ] catchphrase on your head 100 i love that they made my teeth a little white yeah they didn't go multicolored snoop told me i needed to go by the way you know i spit bars to snoop and he [ __ ] loved them oh yeah yeah and i told him i said you know i almost signed a record deal i almost did sign a record deal you know that right no oh yeah i got offered a record deal by whom where when big new york company how long ago this is a few months ago why would they offer you a record deal oh because i spit bars hey hey tom shut the [ __ ] up let bert speak he's got a point here listen to him i'm going to take these away from you [Laughter] our live event is going to be so [ __ ] good it is going to be good it's going to be so [ __ ] good here's the thing we're gonna can we drunk and tie and what we should do is we should we should also block certain people from being able to watch it how do we do that i don't know like i'm gonna give you a few emails that end in tbs yeah and you block those get rid of those we'll have good ice here we're gonna have a good time oh put that on the list you need to get some good ice for the event we need good and by the way multiple types of ice don't just get one one bag of ice shout out to north hollywood ice company there you go reach out to them about wanting to jump on the live show with different types of hey tell also get in 300 pounds of ice in here and let's do some polar plunges me and you polar plunge on the live show on the live show [ __ ] no yeah it is so good it's not good it's i bet you want to be in this room in a polar plunge and we're going to be are we going to be naked i don't think so we should find out here's actually our dicks will be out because we have those we got vibrating dick sleeves that to see who comes faster but and actually normally i would say we'd have to hide it but we can actually just put them on in front of people well i think it's i think it's good can i tell you how to dream that we put butt plugs in each other it doesn't have to be a dream we could do it i was like it was set up so that they were like the dominatrix was behind us and like all right who's going to tap out first in a butt plug yeah and there's like a thousand dollars here and we're gonna find out who's gonna win the thousand dollars we both put 500 in and we both put the butt plugs in and she was like i can't go any further on either of you or like well we need to we need a winner in this oh my god can i see a picture of our dominatrix oh my gosh do they know about the dominatrix yet they know now we have a dominatrix coming for the live event yes there she is oh how old is she i don't know let's get an age on her um it's probably not a good let's hope she's over 24. she is okay good good i can't be around the young [ __ ] dominatrix i need old hag haggard no she's not an old hager dominatrix she's super hot smoking hot medical what does it say medical what are the what are the things she what are the things that she can do to us hmm put on lipstick slowly exotically elegant let's see her interests can we go to her interests let's see let's do a lot of that forced feminization [ __ ] play humiliation and degradation piercing yeah or pegging bondage pegging oh i wouldn't mind getting pegged huh what's that mean that's fun we're going to do it wax play genital spanking squeezing with cbt cbt it's a cognitive behavioral therapy okay is that what is it sounds for i don't know it can't be played electro stimulation general diagnostic nipple torture nice chastity control keep going role play corporal punishment god sense replay we got blindfolds oh we're gonna do some of that fence replay water sports that's peepee she's gonna piss on us i hope so tens tens is that like the dozens i don't know electric this simulator definitely seems like a lot of fun go to her um scroll back up and go to her gallery she is gorgeous oh my god i don't know about you but i i think i might come first wait you're not allowed to come and dominate trixes well i can come whenever i want bert i'm not going to come in her i just meant in my pants what if the whole thing is just tom just every now and then just wait what happened nothing keep going dude she's gorgeous she is gorgeous yeah this is a good move for our careers right i think so [Laughter] should we run this by our wives shut up you know it would be great but is if we got our wives to come in and they could torture our genitals oh yeah like as this lady pisses on us now we're gonna lose her she's gonna see this and be like i'm not [ __ ] busy with these guys why not she's on your site where would you let her would you where would you let her pee on you what do you mean like if she was like okay i'm gonna pee on you pick a place wherever you want no not my face i'm not gonna appeal to my face that's probably the first spot i would ask for how long's your stream gonna be how long can i hold my breath uh hopefully a long time what if she had just like had one of those morning pisses what if she just like ate like a [ __ ] pound of asparagus just farting on you just you know i have an iud a fart box seems like they'll be the worst type of thing to be into you know i mean where your head is locked in there somebody just sits and farts in your face that would be so gnarly so we gotta we gotta really come up with is she going to torture her in a dave oh that's what we should have is have her in there and when we go hey nadav pull that up and he's like i'm on it drow god damn it that's a good idea oh maybe i could give him i want to give him a chiropractic adjustment that might be good to do on the live show too okay yeah i wouldn't mind trying that out yeah we could do it together the first chiropractic adjustment i ever got was from a drunk chick on top of an rv at lake habitat that's not a chiropractic adjustment she was like i'm pretty sure i can do this and i was like you're hot enough let's try she was like i was like i think he just made it worse can i tell you a cool story that happened that trip yeah this is one of my favorite stories how long ago was this this was um probably god probably 18 years ago it was me bobby kelly vincent nasty and matt frost okay and so we were all at this poolside bar at this hotel the poolside bar is here right there's a pool there's bar and the lake's right here and then there's this tall hotel right here and so uh i am sitting there having a beer and all of a sudden i see this beautiful woman in a red dress like a red kind of sundress on the balcony and i look up and she's looking at me and she waves and i wave and then she goes and then she lifts her dress up and shows me she's completely naked underneath it and then drops it back down and goes and i'm like oh god i want to tell everyone and so but i don't want to i'm like yeah bobby take a look at the girl in the right dress just like i ordered somebody looked at her and they're like what's going on and then i looked up and she was gone it was like one of the coolest things i always wanted his story's not as good as i right being there you know yeah yeah yeah no it definitely wasn't but i also thought that it was gonna end with you going up to her room or something no i never could close deals on stuff like that no no is lake havasu yeah anyone that wanted to anyone that wanted to [ __ ] me i was like gross was that crazy yeah i needed to have sex with people that i didn't think liked me like i wanted to i wanted to turn them yeah you know like i i didn't so somebody who was kind of reluctant to do it no that sounds a little rapey but like i was like if she said no a bunch and like fought me then i'd be like oh that's what i'm into no i'm saying like uh like someone who just was like where i felt like no no where i felt like uh i felt like i had to work for it where i like had to show my personality not like not someone who's just like throwing themselves at you if there was a chick that was like i remember one time a chick was like hey uh we're at yani's in tallahassee and she was like so we went to my place your place and i was like uh gross i was like if you want to do that with me barely knowing me you must [ __ ] everybody yeah and i was like i don't want to be was like old woody allen joke i don't want to be a member of a club that's going to have me yeah you know i get some of that i want the chick that doesn't want to [ __ ] me because she's really hot right and then i gotta fight for it and be like and like be like ah one time i was in college i was sitting at like a like on a patio and this girl walked by stopped comes around and she hands me a condom i was like she goes we're gonna use that later this is like how she says hello oh i like her yeah kind of i like her in your story if she did that to me i'd be like uh well i was like this is a super [ __ ] you know yeah like she's she's a mom now probably oh for sure but that's not gone in her super horror is not conor yeah like where what happens when you're a super horror mom hey we should do let's get anonymous submissions from super horror moms i like it okay soup girls that were like i could not get enough dick in college fresh out of college you would have thought i was writing a paper about dick and now i'm married and i have to suppress that or or is it in your past or is it in your past like you're like i don't miss it is it just a phase in your life what's the email two bears one cave at gmail.com please use the subject line super [ __ ] mom i think leanne wasn't a super horror but she was definitely she was definitely a lot crazier when we first started dating there's by the way one thing that will never leave my memory is driving with her that day that i remember when i came by yeah i had no i mean i had no idea about that aspect of her personality at all that's by the way that's who she was to [ __ ] that fun part of her like back in the day she was wild leanne was [ __ ] wild i mean wild i remember the night before we got married the night before we got married yeah we go out we have a party at her at like in this at this place i think it's called the mill or something and uh and she takes me outside into her head into her a truck and i'm talking i mean jumps my boats like in the in the truck like everyone's inside she like gets me out to this truck and we go out of the truck i was like what's going on she's like i always want to talk to you and i was like okay and then [ __ ] straddles me and is making out with me all over me grabbing my all over me and i'm like oh we're definitely [ __ ] and she was like and then she stopped and she goes you excited about tomorrow and i was like yeah she goes i hope you are and left and i went i'm gonna [ __ ] marry that [ __ ] yeah yeah this is the [ __ ] greatest thing ever i wonder if he remembers that she probably remembers that i bet she doesn't why would she not remember that i bet she goes uh yeah i kind of maybe well this is how about how much you want to bet if i call in and she goes she goes honey i'm busy right now okay let's see this and that's the difference and that's i just you want to know something very sweet that i said to her yesterday we were talking we were talking about something about i i said to her life's been a little complicated obviously with the coronavirus and with everything going on and there's other stuff i was telling you about responsibilities you feel and and i said i said i get why men cheat on their wife at like 45 i get it i get midlife crisis i understand it i'm not going to do it but i understand she was like see what's going on with you and i said nothing's going on with me i just know that at a certain age you go i'm halfway done life and and it may only be 10 more years or 20 more years and what is it in there for me like would it be cool to start all over and have a brand new family and get a young wife like i understand that i go but i wouldn't do that she goes well what makes you different than them and i said to her honey i realized one day i'm going to be on my death bed and i will be dying and there is no person i want holding my hand more than you walking me into death and going it's gonna be okay i go that's what i want she was like oh my god she was like you were so much deeper than i thought he would be and i was like well i know that one day i'm gonna be [ __ ] dying and going like i'm scared and i'm freaked out and i go i want you there i don't want some [ __ ] 22 year old bimbo going i didn't get to log in for your bank accounts some [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] with [ __ ] blonde hair going like can you imagine looking at great tits when you're about to die and you're like i'm leaving that for someone else with she's gonna have all my money and [ __ ] anyone she wants [ __ ] that yeah i want i want leanne being like i'll never get married after you you're my last one skeeter skeeter skeeter hello hey how are you doing i'm good how are you doing okay do you remember the night before our wedding do you remember anything special about the night before our wedding your mom broke her teeth what that was like no no no no no no i meant the actual night before our wedding when we all went to that restaurant at the rehearsal dinner yeah do you remember me and you ever going to a truck no all right i love you i'll talk to you later the thing i remember the most why did she not remember that is it possible that this was a dream that you made up no it's not a dream it's not a dream how does she not remember that who [ __ ] knows tom that's the way her brain works these days it's just like functional get me from through the day get eyelid down her homework it's [ __ ] fun get a new wife brother i know what i mean we never even talked about the vowel wait till she sees the footage of you and mrs melody then she'll remember she was there from when i was dating her i was dating her when i did it with mistress isabella really she was cool with it then so i think she's probably even more cool with it now probably back then it was like actual cheating right actual all right i remember going like i think i'm cheating on my girlfriend and they're like you're fine it's hard to cheat on your girlfriend you have a full film crew here and i was like good call i had a dream that i was a navy seal real quick i had a dream i was in abc last night i told this to my tennis coach this morning and my job is the navy seal we're leaving this convention center getting to the beach right a very short swim they said you're new so your job is to kind of look out for sharks and i was like okay so i swam upside down like back towards the ground looking up at the sky looking at all them swimming and kind of like perusing for sharks and at the last minute i saw a shark and i was like [ __ ] but we were like waist deep water and we were kind of safe but i thought it would be cool if i killed this shark stabbed it and was like i saved your life doesn't need to know when i saved your life but i did save your life so i stabbed the shark i'm in waist deep water and they're already on the beach and i was like yeah you guys are [ __ ] lucky and i lifted the shark up over my head with the knife in the side of it and they're like oh my god you're an animal i was like what and it was a dolphin in my dream i thought everyone's like oh my god you got to tell your therapist this one this is a good deep dream no no this is a good episode do you think you don't need therapy anymore no i'm done what was the point where you realized you didn't need it anymore uh when i realized i was not being truthful to the therapist to the therapist because we were facetiming and i was like someone's gonna record this and then play these and make and then everyone's going to watch all my therapies and so i started lying because i was like i'm going to tell them the truth yeah so i can always go it's a lie yeah because they made this all up i've had the same fear oh i'm terrified yeah it's you know it's so funny i'm terrified that they're gonna get my texts so i don't i'm not honest in text yeah i'm not honest in anything because with social media like i'm i keep everything at arm's distance i go if they get my text like if you ever type type in we've done this before if you type in a horrible word in your text who comes up well it's not good that's definitely not good if you type in a horrible word type in i typed in i typed in i typed in a horrible word and look who types it the most oh yeah so i but like yeah i i'm not i am always cognizant that someone could be recording me really ah a hundred percent like i to the where sometimes i fantasize like this kid was being rude at a fish shop the other day yeah and i was like i was like i'm gonna [ __ ] smack this kid in the [ __ ] side of it like i was like in my head i was like i bet his parents would appreciate me smacking him inside of his head for the way that he's treating this old man like and then real quick i looked around and go there's a camera right there all right where's there not a camera where i could smack this kid what if i brought him over to the corner and then beat the [ __ ] out of him but i didn't obviously i didn't do anything yeah but like i'm very cognizant of being recorded of being recorded i stopped talking freely in between breaks on radio stations because i know they record them and they play that as their podcast yeah and so i was like i just [ __ ] shut my mouth and try not to say anything i'm honest with you guys when we're in the like we're in the lobby that's like probably the most honest i am yeah i watched the debates and i was dishonest with my reactions to certain things like there were a couple times where trump [ __ ] made me laugh hysterically yeah and i would bite my lip because my nest cam's on and i was like if someone gets hold of my nest camp and sees me spitting wine out of my nose at this [ __ ] lunatic yeah they're gonna be like he's all [ __ ] cancel him canceling but man trump had me rolling that's paranoia almost man it well it you think about it alexa is all over the place that's true they i guarantee you they're and then remember that time that amazon was like oops when somebody's conversation was sent to them or something remember it was like recorded and sent and they were like oh there's something in this thing that we didn't program right hmm what if i found out what if i said what and and who's to say they haven't put this in there and by the way why wouldn't they put this in there when you watch that have you watched that netflix documentary about social media yeah the social dilemma social dilemma and then you start going yeah they're humans that made this and the humans are also really brilliant and they can put these little easter eggs in there that you don't know about yes what is it until the day that they walk into your house and they're like uh are you guilty against crimes against uh trump and you're like excuse me and they're like i just by the way i just watched uh the hunger games which is so paralleled into what's going on right now in our country it's insane um but where they go what crimes trump gets reelected and he goes that does it i'm taking everyone to jail go in and hit their alexa and see if they've ever said anything negative about me and they walk in and they're like abracadabra and alexa like i'm here and you're like uh what the [ __ ] and like alexa how many times has he said something negative about the government like 170 times and you're like alexa what the [ __ ] are you doing she's like i'm on there team bert and that's our show today by the way i'm no by the way i'm talking political lately and i hope i'm not trying not to thank you guys for watching thank you for listening uh don't forget two bears one cave live a double xl event not replying about cocaine i think he's not cool with me saying that october 15th it'll be uh is it 5 p.m pacific yes 5 p.m pacific uh ymh virtual.com we're really excited to do we'll be coming off the road yep just back from the road just to do this one podcast because i'm and i'm excited and also good luck on friday we'll have fun playing tennis oh yeah oh that's yeah and two days all right uh we'll see you guys soon bye love you i love you too love you burton tom tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur protology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,079,859

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: a44ZVwyml2o

Length: 93min 40sec (5620 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 12 2020