Ep. 26 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[Music] [Music] there's definitely a thing a lot of people don't understand that Sikhs aren't Arab and that's like it's a typical it no it here's the thing it's it's it's disrespectful do you think of these a shower no I just said like the moment before I say them in response to what you've said dude there was there was there was a time in life where you know you ever learned one thing about a culture and then that's your go-to for everything of course I learned about what a Sikh Indian was oh and it was just it was the only thing I knew that was Indian oh and so everyone I ever met her like oh you seek and they're like you just learned about see ya oh you got that right when you learned New York so you were 25 26 dude I had a joke of my Acme Jews 100 cent true I didn't know that Japanese people couldn't understand Chinese people like remember that I used to that my act yeah I remember that and this is not even a joke it's all stemmed stemmed from dr. ken dr. ken and I were I thought the drug was Japanese in Korean no no Japanese no gets to Japanese in green oh but it says dr. ken I switched it to Steve Byrne because I didn't want to say dr. ken because it felt like I was being like name-dropping she was famous when I was doing the joke huh but um the truth is dr. ken and I we're at the Ontario improv and we were in the back back hallway and there was a Japanese couple trying to get through and I tapped dr. ken and I go I think your parents are trying to come backstage and he looked out and he goes those aren't my parents are you sure he goes I'm deserting I go well what are they saying goes I don't [ __ ] know oh you didn't you never learned your language around the house it's like no no no they're Japanese no and you're not and he goes no I'm Korean then I went oh he's like you couldn't tell the Japanese and then I said to him milk's I didn't have Rising Sun bandanas on and he said I said what kind of what are they saying and he goes you mean shares right now I go yeah don't you can't you understand a little bit and he was like I can't understand any zeros yeah and I was like they're not the same language and he was like no that's why there's called Korean and Japanese and I went I was like I just did Nokes I didn't know I know you didn't know anyone Asian and growing up in Florida what are you talking about like you didn't like growing up in Florida you didn't know a lot of Asian people uh uh I had Asian friends in school Oh what was his name Steve now okay was quick yeah I didn't have one yeah I didn't know any Asian kids I knew Sam Oh Sam oh and Ronda ho there you go yeah they were they were I went to grade school with me and he threw up in his lunchbox hmmm so I'll always remember Sam ho throwing up his lunchbox in second grade and being like I'd literally stood up most like I'm [ __ ] out of here second grade walked outside any of the Lambs too and I know lambs yeah and then yeah but there were also Kim's so wait how many Asian friends did you have did you have multicultural friends growing up let's make this episode about Tom I'm here to listen I mean yeah I moved a lot remember so okay let's do it let's do pop quiz Tom okay okay okay I'm gonna say a thing and you say their names okay black friend in high school are Darrell Wow rocky and J you had three black friends yeah we played football together oh not not like I'm did you ever spend the night their house yeah really we all did we all hung out Oh for real yeah and and more white people are you the only one you're like M&M an eight-mile uh no there was there was a mix you know it was mixed up really yeah Latino friends I mean yeah the casanova's and I'm trying to think of there weren't that many Latin kids in my school I mean but you had Asian kids black kids you're like your schools like Tokyo Drift a little bit a little bit no there wasn't that many agents either but the white kids sucked in in the in the Florida school I didn't really you know I only hung out with a few of them oh I'm thinking of a or taga to a Cuban so there's a you know budget so you have multicultural friends growing up yeah in every city I mean you know the the the biggest reason was with sports right because that was that was my friend group especially because I was moving so so okay so let's start all over you were born in Cincinnati yeah and your dad was ex-military running a bakery what was your dad he was always a financial planner yeah yeah yeah so he leaves Vietnam okay yeah he was he leaves Vietnam he fought in Vietnam yeah goes AWOL goes down - no it doesn't go anywhere how did he meet your mom my dad's best friend married my mom's sister oh how [ __ ] cool is that yeah and then they were doing a gangbang in like 75 and so wait did you are you still are they still off right oh it's her mom sister yeah of course don't fret yeah they're still close really my mom and her sister speak I'm probably pretty much every day and do you know that is that your cousin cousin yeah that's a guy that's your cousin that's the one shut the [ __ ] up so Brian that made McMillion Zahn yeah yeah he and I were born two weeks apart next door to each other in um you know same way same year and it's his mom and my mom holy [ __ ] yeah man I am the worst friend I don't listen to anybody oh I know I am so bad oh it's amazing it's astounding you ask me how many sisters I had two weeks ago cha-cha Elizabeth the cha-cha and what is it um so wait that's crazy so you're so then your dad you how long do you live in Cincinnati for nine years and then you move to Florida now then we moved to Minneapolis whoa yeah I never knew you lived in Minneapolis I've mentioned it a number of times you've never said it once a hundred times never once did you say I was a huge Vikings fan when I was 10 I used to go to Vikings game no you did it I went to Chris dolmens football camp I went to rich Ganon's football team went to rich canons football camp yeah Rich Gannon was a [ __ ] legit I think his brother played for the box wrist Chris Dolman rest in peace he just died really yeah a little while ago a few months ago sweet what position did you want to play when you were a oh I want I mean when I was a little little kid I wanted to be a wide receiver like Jerry Rice Steve Largent those were the guys but no then I was obsessed with Lawrence Taylor and then and then oh you have that mentality totally yeah I wanted to be a hundred ever since then you did I can and he was like that this psycho and they had the NFL Films tapes where he was like talking [ __ ] those are the best oh man I was just like yeah I was super did you talk [ __ ] during when you played football not really a couple times once I was my my coach told me to he's like getting his [ __ ] ear talk [ __ ] that was like about a breath that's kind of hard enough about you anyway my one day no we're going back to Tom but you know I can not tell the story about myself of course 7th grade 7th yes 7th grade I played football my parents don't want me to play football mhm I play football for the first time first game by the way I was hospitalized in fifth grade and my dad had me go to practice the next week wait what did you get hospitals in fifth grade did you play did you play like like not tatertot but what did they call it he we peewee football yeah full pads you know I never do that I had a back injury in I'm 10 years old and he was like practice on Monday out of the hospital no [ __ ] wait what was your back injury I the term is a I think spine new life thesis of the third degree of the fifth lumbar it's basically a disc kind of pops out it's not a [ __ ] chill injury I just watched the documentary on Barry Sant documentary this football life on Doc you on yes Sanders are great and Barry Sanders dad said which is an interesting thing I just had a did a podcast with this this therapist about and we ended up talking about my dad but he said I'm not my dad had said this when I was a kid I'm not your friend I'm your dad mm-hmm like there's and I remember they were member seeing parents that were friends uh-huh and they were like yeah you guys can drink around here that was not my parents I'm not your parent I'm your dad yeah I come here to raise you to be a man I'm not here to just be like buddy boy like you know yeah and that was your dad definitely right yeah I mean yeah he was he wasn't like he's a bigger hard-ass on paper like if you read the resume you're like this guy's if you don't know Maura it's all I think about yeah all I was thinking about taking the [ __ ] today when I was like I'm gonna listen today yeah yeah you hear the Vietnam stories and like his well we just watched platoon with the girls the other day yeah and they're like did this really happen and I was like a hundred percent they're like hold on people were really in like they've watched a bunch of war movies now and so they thought everything was like 1917 mmm that there were big trenches you're with your team then they're looking at foxholes going like that really happen like in the middle of the night they just charged and I was like oh Vietnam was a [ __ ] nightmare yeah yeah all the stories are pretty horrible man they're like like I dude next to you stepping on a mine and like his legs and stomach just blowing open and also he told me recently that and I never knew this growing up he told me that he thinks about those people every day I think I imagined that - you told me that I was like [ __ ] really he was like yeah every day I was like Jesus like I didn't I never realized that the trauma of it okay so think about this I said this to Lee in the other day what is the what is the if you had to be in the one most swing generation ever the generation has seen the most meaning like like like I looked at Georgia an island I thought they will have very little change in their lives like they were born with cell phones cell phones will always be there yeah like there will never know - like I was lucky enough I cuz I what it started with me saying I was lucky enough that I got like 13 years of just walk out the front door and disappear for the entire day but we can't like that's the thing is every time whatever the most modern time you live in like when you're living you can't imagine the progression ten years ahead of you like you know I mean like you think that well it's just so modern now but the truth is 10 and 20 years from now this will be this will seem like a super no but like okay but go back like if you like no one would want to be born in the 1800s because there was no progress you were born a farmer you died a farmer you only knew like you were born one way and you only knew one thing all the way up to like that I guess you wouldn't even want to be born in like 1870 because you never saw change well if you were born in like nineteen if you're born 1870 you would see change no you only look like b35 for one well you could you could know some people were born then that would live longer you were ganna growing into the Industrial Age changing you know a little bit yeah but like like I was saying I remember right Leon's grandfather I got to talk to him before he died over a bunch times but I said to him what was it like like what was it I said what was the one thing you remember the most out of your childhood and his answer was hot watermelons hot watermelons he's like man there's nothing better than a hot watermelon it sounds horrible I know I think you break it over your knees let me guess for you you wish you were born Berlin 1925 just in time to ride that way no but I wouldn't mind a I wouldn't mind a taste of the real old-school white privilege like the uncut white I wouldn't mind gonna taste of the nineteen fifties like cocktail in hand go to a meeting oh right like like that old white privilege you would have no skill for the job they gave no I'm gonna feel feel completely entitled to it and call your secretary Tut's smacker oh yeah yeah oh well you would have been the you would have been the documentary was made about they were like look at this piece of [ __ ] from this I wouldn't mind just just one snore to the old uncut white privilege mmm yeah just [ __ ] drinking and driving yeah [ __ ] cop pulls you're like Sam what's up bud is a guy it's you again Chrysler goddamn it you got a cigarette my go ahead and lucky here you go I wouldn't mind a little taste of that ya know you've said it a few times now be cool they should do one day of just remembrance of like they're like hey you can you can live in any time period you want today you can you could probably propose this to it I don't know write your Congressman or they should do this during the quarantine one day all that you just get the one day to wait for like one week we pick a different day does Mad Men era guys oh my god like there's no [ __ ] rules they just they just would drink at lunch I would love I can't do that I actually really can't do that what do you mean meaning I can but I just get a [ __ ] wasted for the day yeah like I'm not I'm not usable again I can't just go and have a morning that was really honestly take taken aback by how well you held it together that time we went to San Francisco for the game yeah and we were drinking all morning and I was like I'm gonna go take a nap and you're like all right I'll see you down I mean you'd had I don't know a dozen drinks and you were like this is the thing is you were not [ __ ] up you didn't seem like it no and then we went to the game and then we had dinner then we got back I was like I don't know definite gonna crash and you're like well now the night's starting I mean then we went out in had a cigar yeah but you were funny yeah I guess maybe I could do that no I think I think you could I think I shot myself short yeah yeah I miss way back to 7th grade football you said you're playing football oh I was playing something's great football and my dad did not want me playing like he really was against it and I thought you're gonna get hurt thought I was gonna get hurt neck injury paralyzed immediately just really immediately um I have fought with him to play and I was middle linebacker mm-hmm I play like two plays they put me in like halfway through the game and I first play I [ __ ] literally grab a guy before you get through the line [ __ ] level him but it was an accident like I didn't mean the level and I kinda was not looking you accidentally leveled him but it looked like I leveled him but I really ran into him like and so but everyone but he went [ __ ] down and I was out of it like I was like on there like good way to [ __ ] him up and I was uh-huh uh-huh two plays after that interception run it back to the one-yard line and all of a sudden I am the best football player on the team like I'm right here and they're like you're starting every game you're in like and I sucked so bad and then I got my I got a neck injury you you did I got a neck injury during practice and they had to tape my head to the goal post yeah to like let it sit still because it would hurt anywhere I moved it it's not then you were done and then I was [ __ ] and then and then I played eighth grade and I did not play as good I died I started but I didn't play as good as I did in seventh that one game dude in eighth grade I was involved in a play where three of us broke a guy's leg are you serious we just all it was just perfect we all three of us hit the quarterback at like the same oh my god like this from different angles boom and it was like three pretty big kids you know like pretty strong kids yeah just we just heard this [ __ ] horrific sound and scream and then you just saw the like was clearly broken oh my god were you this size when you were in seventh grade not in no but I mean now you seem like a guy who would have grown up early I did I did I was like shaving pretty early but but but I was the the joy that the three of us felt for hurting that kids so badly is something I still carry with me you know did you ever hear did you ever hear Patrice O'Neal's Vinny play college football I don't think you went to college I thought I read that once mmm can you look it up look it up I don't think you want to I don't think he think he went to prison well one of us is gonna feel stupid in a moment you definitely went to prison I know that really yeah for what I don't know all right yeah cause the ballgames yeah he died at 41 is that well he was oh my god dude that's like you dying tomorrow yeah I turned 41 tomorrow no you don't ya know you don't tomorrow's my birthday I turned 41 no you're lying I swear to God tomorrow's your birthday yeah are you serious yeah I turned 41 tomorrow what are you doing for a birthday party and O'Neil never knew his father he attended Atwater duh you end up playing his career with three varsity letters and winning a state championship is senior year after graduating he turned down a scholarship for prison at Northeastern and Boston which included a grant the theater his comedy groan but uh okay where's the prison stuff wait wait but I don't know sure it's mountain is Wikipedia why would not be there they always put that there I don't know keep Google in it he was a prettty went to prison for sexual assault that's not yeah I know it's not something I think that he wanted ever brought up really and I think it was something he was scared of well he talked about a non Opie and Anthony he did it's not a secret yeah it's definitely not a secret he talked about a nun Opie and Anthony wants something he was always afraid that if he got successful it was something they'd dig up on him and but yeah I mean I won't I'm not I won't even talk about it because I don't think I know he had his version of it I'm sure she had her version of it so it but he ultimately went to jail and it [ __ ] his friend up that was that went to jail with him it [ __ ] him up for the rest of his life because he will stop showering and they pulled him aside I forget what they called him they called him big baby or something in prison they they everyone had a name of the state I listened to it a couple of times I listened to it live I was driving on the street listen to what life retrieve tell the story live on Opie and Anthony hmm and but yeah and so are you looking for the yeah well if you just type in Patrice no no I think that's what he went to jail for Jesus statutory rape yeah all right sir 60 days in prison for having sex with an underage girl oh she was 15 he was 16 because Massachusetts lacks a clothes and age exception that is [ __ ] well I think it was I think it was uh it was a little more complicated I mean I'll tell you the I'm I'm for me to parrot the story isn't even fair I think everyone involved but it sounded like it sounded like a bad situation of his his advice was if you do your dirt keep it to yourself don't spread it say guess they did it and they talked about it and her brother found out and her brother and so it but I'm just saying though when it's 16 with it that's not why those laws are written I think no but I think it was more guys than girls meaning it was one girl I'm like three guys and so it I think it put her in a bad situation and she claimed something look I'm not even the right person to be talking about any of this but yeah it's tough I've heard and it's out there so it's really kind of yeah that really turned it to a he did not play college football but I wasn't that far he was offered a scholarship I mean but why would he turn it down I don't know I don't know but I mean those Easterns are pretty good school in Boston and I'm just saying there like it wasn't a crazy assumption I made right he was a no he was he's a champion in high school and he got an offered a full ride he used to tell the story I used to love the stories because enormous oh he's a big dude yeah he was a big [ __ ] dude yeah I used to love the stories he'd tell that he never told onstage that he'd just tell that you go like he used to tell the story about this guy Tony in his neighborhood who's cool [ __ ] he's like man advice Tony and Tony we just go up and just tap a tap a [ __ ] on the back of the neck go damn got you they'd be like oh tell me he's like I'd be like on the side going alright you gotta hit a [ __ ] so I just go up I didn't I didn't look at the way Tony had his hand and I got my closed fist and I'm just like oh [ __ ] and it's they were the he would tell the funniest stories yeah you could tell he was kind of trying to work out to maybe take on stage now that I mean now that I know at the time he was 41 when he passed I guess he was probably thirty years old when he was telling me this he's a still a very young comic it is crazy how there's some people who you always imagine them at different like for some you know I always picture how old was Hedberg when he died I always pictured the Patraeus like 20 years older than me you know oh I felt like he was so older than I was talking to someone yesterday and they're like do you remember when Patrice said to someone oh I'm starting to re he goes do you remember when [ __ ] Hedberg was 37 and draw I was 45 started working for Travel Channel when I was 37 Geraldo was 44 that makes sense Bill Hicks was 32 George Bill Hicks was 32 that is so [ __ ] young to be losing how much work did Hedberg put out can you go to his like go to Wikipedia scroll down click his Wikipedia there and go to his uh discography yeah yeah so Louis enchiladas was a movie yeah that's while it's only what four albums does that only put out yeah I mean it's quite a legacy for four albums right oh I played it for the girls and I loved that Georgia did not that makes sense yeah it's totally eyeless Lane that might be her favorite comic ever she deep dials in deep you know I mean dives into it the girls right now are obsessed with daliyah yeah they're like there's no way you know him I was like I was on [ __ ] Netflix two weeks ago girls what the [ __ ] you don't think I know him and like there's people you don't know you don't know John Mulaney I go no I do I don't know him know him if I saw him I say hi and they go yeah you don't know him dad I go but [ __ ] I don't I know John Mulaney like if I if John Mulaney was walking down our street and I saw him he would say hi Bert and they go would he say hi Bert or would he go oh hi and keep walking and I go am I had it like that on you dude they are [ __ ] brutal to me right now brutal like legit brutal everyone you should ask the Lea to just record the message and send it to you yeah I mean like hey Bert just checking in I'm a big fan and just be like see he does know you know I told you this a long time ago daliyah wit when he was on a vine he would do this thing where he goes so cute yeah and George and her friends were doing it they were in like [ __ ] sixth grade and they were quoting - Lea yeah he created like his own lexicon I mean it's it's bizarre when you think about it like but and George was doing it the other day his specials out she was watching videos of him laughing hysterically on her phone why don't you have ask Chris to do a message to them like hey girls your dad asked me to say I'm friends with him and hope you're doing well in your quarantine I'll take care of it don't worry oh yeah they're they're brutal to Cromie fetus right now fetus yeah why why it's a it's a it's a derivation of a nickname so like Burtis no I ila for whatever reason has never called me Dad she just has always had a nickname for me hey she'll call me Dad if I need big boy we're gonna take a break here boy I got a ship pretty badly are you serious yeah we'll just go and I'll listen to you from here we haven't wait hold on we're talking about me right now this whole episode is dedicated to you and learning about you yeah yeah but see you took it over again how do I do that you just do it you really [ __ ] I do I think we should take a break okay I'll sing you guys might hear Drake songs postman Drake there's Bethany Drake's like a legit deal yeah alright guys Tom [ __ ] in this time I want to tell you to go to Netflix watch hey big boy and ball hog streaming right now along with no pain that is Chris D'Elia special now what we did about nine months ago is the three of us realized we were all doing Netflix specials and we decided that we would write one joke between the three of us I would tell the set up because I knew mine was coming out first Tom was gonna do the meat of the joke which is the ultimate story the the arc of the joke and then D'Elia and his special was gonna do the punchline it was touch-and-go they had to push the Leah's back a couple weeks we wanted we would initially thought it was gonna be me Tom mentally a weak weak weak and so we were like a me we thought it was gonna be perfect it pushed back a little bit so if you get the opportunity there you go and you get the opportunity to go through go back and watch all three specials and see if you can find to set up the meat of the joke and the punchline it's really fun we've planned it it's not perfect obviously and if you get an opportunity and you can edit them together so even if they suck even if you get it wrong I think we'd enjoy it but what you think my setup is Tom's meat and then to Leah's punchline it's [ __ ] hilarious we thought a bit in the backstage a comedy store and we couldn't stop laughing about it and we were fighting over who would tell the joke and then Tom was the one that was like why don't we just each tell a part of it put it in our special and then that'll be like an easter egg like a fun thing for fans so see if you can find it all I can tell you is the trifecta is complete did you get that by the way my mom called today and my mom was this close and there was a dude on line on my Instagram it was like said is it this and I went you're getting warm it's not it but you're getting warm so Tom [ __ ] we'll be right back all right back to you what was that [ __ ] aggressive really really yeah I mean I think I just I had that was too rich what I ate and then I've just been drunk I had that bro half breakfast burrito and the worst part is I'm so used to [ __ ] with my wash lit you know bidet at home oh yeah they clean up yeah when you're not home you feel like a monster and it's just like it's just like spreading [ __ ] all over your ass yeah and so I'm just like soaking toilet paper believing in the Middle East they just use your finger David oh he's told a paper well he's [ __ ] knuckleheads next-door from that area and they they cause the toilet to break really mm-hmm holy [ __ ] I like I wish that we could I would do I would watch a whole documentary on [ __ ] I'd produce it [Laughter] yeah like if they just said everyone [ __ ] that's all I think that's name of a kids book yeah we all [ __ ] but we all [ __ ] in different ways today we're gonna spend one hour talking about [ __ ] and try to get to the base because I think we've learned a lot about [ __ ] yeah like squatty potty's is technically assigning Asian culture to our shipping well yeah I mean you realize that everywhere in the world were they we look at it usually an American will see someone in a full squat and be like God you [ __ ] Savage what are you doing yeah then you realize that's how a your body is designed to [ __ ] yeah and be it's a much cleaner experience you know to be in that full squat and your your ass just spreads wide oh but it just falls out of you it's I don't know if I feel like I can't [ __ ] like just saddled like where your feet are touching the ground not on a squatty potty you thought you had to describe have to have a squatty potty or I even sometimes I'll like like if I'm in the airport I would put my bag underneath my feet because I needed it with my feet up I feel like my ass cheeks are spread better yeah they are and and and then I you ever do a squatty potty with diarrhea I've never thought about oh yeah and it I only have diarrhea and it just comes out like it's like dude I I when I [ __ ] it's almost like it's almost like it's all built and then I just go wow like it and it every time every time I don't ever I haven't taken like a nice long like where it crept out you know like yeah like it was like it one time I remember I just had a flashback to high school where I went into the stall and I went to a stall and I shut it and I felt like you know when you can feel a massive massive diarrhea yes like you could just feel the pull of water sitting that like I know as soon as I pull the trigger this is gonna be just disastrous yeah and I need to go so I'm like about to go and my friend walks in the bat like I he's like he I think he sees my shoes or something he's like segura I was like oh what's up man and so I go just hold it because if I go right now he's just gonna turn around yeah so I just like I'm [ __ ] like sweating almost crying because I'm holding it I'm sitting on the toilet my body's like the [ __ ] are you doing let it go yeah I was like no I got it so he's like he's taking his time like he's like oh man he's just like talking [ __ ] about night he's got like a newspaper or something with him and I you know I see and he drops his pants and I'm like come on I wanted to get comfortable so that he's like tied to staying and I'm like I'm like yeah you see so and so he's like mm-hmm come on man he drops the pants he sits down he's like and then he's like settling and I'm like yes so I don't know if you heard about and I just let it go he goes what the [ __ ] and I just see him pull his pants up but he walks I go didn't you have [ __ ] dang that he's like nah man I was trying to get comfortable yeah he was like gonna take us to have like a casual [ __ ] you know like for a few minutes let it build up but I just I don't know I love ruining someone's experience like that what was the worst [ __ ] your pants story you want me to tell mine why you think I have all under double you have a hundred sugar piece I've [ __ ] my pants so much I've shipped my pants so much this is a joke I once tried to I tried to slide into this last special but it never worked I [ __ ] my pants so often that if I'm at a green light if I'm at a red light it turns green in the guy behind me honks I assume he's got to [ __ ] his pants does that make sense if I'm at a red light and it turns green and I and I and I the same turns green and you hear the guy behind me go no [ __ ] yeah I'm assuming he's about to [ __ ] his pants cuz I've done that so much really I've been in I've been like where I'm driving home and [ __ ] my pants like let's go let's go [ __ ] come on green light I'm trying to think of the last time I should I mean I [ __ ] my pants I [ __ ] my boxers in the kitchen of our house like three houses ago because we were on that green all green movie stuff oh those don't count well I know but I was like wait I just like I got a fart just water fell out of me but I'm trying to think of like the late like the lab I shat my pants the other day on a doing an Instagram story what like like and I almost posted it and then I was like I don't think people need to see that what happened I was just talking and I was like hey guys I don't know oh I just [ __ ] my pants I'll say that a lot like how'd you [ __ ] my pants like I just a lot I've [ __ ] the bed I've done everything you [ __ ] the bed I [ __ ] the bed why he's just laying naked and I just thought it was a fart and then I [ __ ] the bed and I'm like not [ __ ] not like a full [ __ ] in the bed but like a squirt where you're like I gotta have changed the sheets and never tell anyone about this did you I told never I'd never told and I just changed she's me she'd be like hold on why do we have new sheets on the bed you like dogs allergies worst I ever [ __ ] my pants mm-hmm I'm gonna say 5th grade 6th grade tennis camp have I told you this story tennis camp sixth grade now I'm playing an Indian kid I was in love with his sister I wish wait you're pretending to be an Indian go I'm playing no I'm no I'm playing we're playing as tennis match I got Indian kid he was horrible but his sister was good very sexy I've always been Indian a chick's I don't know why and so you can still be and I can't cuz I'm married to Leanne but it would like to be but she's part Indian the yeah oh yeah she is yeah we learned that we're dancing right now and so I've got a [ __ ] before the tennis match and I'm like I should probably take a [ __ ] right now I got to take a [ __ ] and then as I stand up to [ __ ] kid walks up and he's like are you ready and I was like yeah so we go to start playing and in our first in our first set I've got to [ __ ] so bad but I'm winning and I'm like [ __ ] but I can't beat him quick enough to [ __ ] my pant to like go take a [ __ ] so I go alright [ __ ] it I'd literally give up I'm like I'm just gonna let him beat me like let him beat me so that I can we can break SATs where we would switch and I'm just gonna go shake your [ __ ] real quick I give up I give up on like whatever he's not even trying I was like I've got to go the bathroom and now I just dart off the thing I'm like 5th grade 6th grade I go to the men's locker room and as I drop my pants to go [ __ ] in the toilet it starts coming out and it I [ __ ] half in my pants half on the seat none in the toilet and I sit in it oh and there's [ __ ] everywhere Tom it's in my socks it's on my it's in my wristband it's on my tennis glove like it's everywhere there's [ __ ] [ __ ] everywhere ah on my shirt on the tail of my shirt in my pants in my underwear so I'm like [ __ ] so I don't know what to do I'm covered in SH I'm covered a [ __ ] like not just a little [ __ ] I am covered in [ __ ] so I get up I leave I take everything off I leave it there shoes I take everything off I go naked into the shower and I rinse off right and then I come back and I assess situation I was like these pants are salvageable the underwear is not salvageable the shirts I mean it's a legit file salvageable the only thing I can save is my Tennis Club and my shoes that's out of all the things I have are my shoes and my tennis clubs the socks were [ __ ] wash the pants this everything is [ __ ] covered in [ __ ] so I start jiggling I'm naked I start jiggling lockers in the men's locker room and ones open and I find a pair of pants and a shirt in there and I take them I put a pair of men's pants I don't have any clothes man they're covered in [ __ ] they're covered he's [ __ ] I put a pair of men's pants on and I'm and shirt it smells like Cologne I then go back into the thing I do the best cleanup job I can I'm gagging like crazy I put my shoes on no socks no socks I go out and finish the tennis match Tennis Club man's shirt man's pants my shoes no socks I'm like a mess I'm like really holding it together going like I'm about to cry the whole time you say like are you ready to play and I was like yeah let's play and he's saying he said are you ready to play and I said you get a hurt real bad he said I get done the game I am literally and by the way I'm not built for this the guy you know right now is created based off these life experiences yeah I was a softer kid then so I am like a mess I'm holding back tears the entire time I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up I'd I'm really upset by the way I'm not wearing underwear that is a big deal for me at the time so I was a hardcore tidy whities guy I am not wearing underwear I feel very uncomfortable I'm a tactile guy I have tactile issues I'm not wearing socks I always wear socks with shoes I never not wear socks with shoes yeah I'm in a man's clothes I'm waiting for the guy to come out of the [ __ ] locker room and go did you steal my [ __ ] clothes I just want to get the [ __ ] out of there my mom pulls up I get in the car finally I'm relaxed I start crying and she just didn't even notice you guys how was your day and I'm like I'm in a [ __ ] outfit I didn't show up yeah you're not gonna go wear your socks or how come here I think we got to the root of why you're a comedian today dude I have for that story I have a hundred I talked to my dad on this podcast the other day I said to him so did my real personality before my dad kind of tried to shake it out of me was second grade first grade I was on my softball team my baseball team playing second base flyball hit to me bases loaded I catch the flyball right yeah so first like play I've ever made in my life everyone stands Cheers I spiked the ball rip off my shirt and I start dancing I'm in first grade and the place is going nuts I mean it must be really by the way I'm not doing it for other anything other than give the people what they want that's where my brain is I swear to God I called my dad yesterday and I because I was talking to this there pissed and I was like and they were like what did your dad say I go you know I really don't remember I know he's a little embarrassed but I know I don't remember I go hey Dad what did you say what did you think when your son in first grade ripped his shirt off and started dancing spiked the baseball and started dancing and he goes I was [ __ ] shocked and I was like he's like I did not raise you like that and I remember getting in the car with him just looking at me it's like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you and I just was like that's what the people wanted like first [ __ ] grade so I think there's a list of things like that in my life where I just was a different human being yeah but wait why did you become a comedian then like what was your thing I was thinking more I thought mom today the whole [ __ ] ride in today what about she's like Tom's so [ __ ] interesting she goes I get you in daliyah but like Tom makes me laugh but he doesn't seem like someone who cares if I laugh huh I mean I get it you guys probably have more likeable personalities no I think that I think that we're more like were more like you can see us want you to like us Oh like you're not you're like like what why do you think you became a comedian um do you've any like trauma as a kid where you're like and then I was how I decided to fix it no I think a lot of it is that I think that they they were kind of checked out on a lot of things my folks like you don't pick up on things so I think a lot of it is like you know it became the place where you can say things and like get you know either fired up about it make a point about something you know and actually all right all these people are paying attention I don't think they've really they didn't I mean they weren't bad parents they just were like I feel like they didn't they just were kind of missed a lot of stuff what do you like we're parents did your parents party with other parents no they weren't partiers they I just feel like they were more like how how's it going you're like good good you're like you know they're not you have to volunteer something for it like if you wanted attention you needed to reach out for it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I think so do you think your dad had PTSD um I think so I think a version I think uh we never thought he did but I looking back on it as an adult now I think so yeah I think I think almost everybody does even the people that go ago I didn't I'm like yeah I think you do because I think it's it's too horrific a thing for a human being to experience and do you think your mom always felt like an outsider a hundred percent really 100% and so do you think like now like as an adult do you think your mom was always like striving to integrate herself into American culture kind of you know with her you see like such a personality switch when she's with Latin people or speaking Spanish yeah like she talked about myself we talked about that on our on our episode of my Netflix series yeah it's it's in the show and you say your your mom is a storyteller like your mom is a personality but that isn't it's only when it's her culture like in a weird I know you can get her in English and and like the right environment and the right day and just comfortable and she'll chill she would entertain you if you were talking to her but like in Spanish you see her really come alive the real thing is like if you spent a lot of time with her in America and then you go with her to like a Latin country you're like oh my god where is this person really yeah yeah and I think it part of us coming over at like you know 30 33 or some point how was your mom when she started having kids 33 yeah I think 33 or 34 for an older sister yeah and so do you you've ever talked to your other sisters about like your parents like the date did they feel like they needed to reach out and get attention yeah and they did through their behavior yeah yeah I think I kept it in more you know but the the desire for the attention they were more like acting out this 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get started with shipstation comm today click the microphone at the top of the homepage type in cave that ship station comm and then use the offer code cave ship station comm make ship happen this episode of two bears is brought to you by policy genius we're always going to get things wrong like deciding whether or not you got to take a dump before a podcast starts good point but there are some things we can get right on the first try like shopping for home insurance that's where policy genius comes in first head to policy genius comm answer a few quick quick questions about yourself and your property if policy genius finds you a better rate than what you're currently paying they'll do all the work to get you switched you don't to worry about I gotta call them and login and send these files they'll take care of it for you if you own a car policy genius will compare your home and auto policies across different insurers and even mix-and-match to find your savings so even if you look back 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know that what'll happen is this like now usually if I'm drinking it's not that much and if I go you know I feel like there's been weeks like on the last tour there had to have been a night where the shows are over for the week and it's been week after week and you start with booze right that's the only danger for me because like beers I'm like whatever wine you know it's fine yeah but like if I'm drinking bourbon and usually like after a certain number couple you're like oh I feel it and I have to get up for this flight or whatever but there's been a couple times where I'm like yeah [ __ ] it and like yeah it's all I always end up feeling like dog [ __ ] blacking out part of the night blacking out and you just talk [ __ ] I've never seen this let's schedule a time I am let's do it like I do very fearful of what black out because like I remember like one time spring break I was with Chuck and we went to like Myrtle Beach and we got Everclear and Gatorade you know and I blacked out at like 11:00 and we were out till 4:00 next day I did it here also in LA at like 23 yeah where dude I also woke up and I was like what can we do can we do a web-like like we do the web series like can we do one webisode of you getting blackout drunk it's not gonna be good why I'll get blackout drunk with you you don't get blackout drunk I gray out we would have to [ __ ] get an IV of booze into you the one I would probably need to do something a little more no I just know you could do it rectally cuz that could cause alcohol poisoning we could do that I haven't I haven't I'm probably a super lightweight right now I haven't drank in 30 days 20 but 25 days yeah technically he's really probably probably probably you'll like this one what because I so I'm working I'm working in a in I'm an intern at cope Wilson entertainment and I'm going out with some of the staff there I just started doing stand-up and I don't bring him to a show but we're all hanging out we're going to a couple bars and we end up at Miyagi's on sunset it was across the street from Dublin's well I remember Miyagi's so we're there with a group people and I I'm I'm a few deep I'm like booze and tequila and [ __ ] and I'm holding court and talking [ __ ] paper so not you though I know I'm talking [ __ ] people are laughing and I got this I got they memories of it but someone else had to tell me they're like so we're all sitting around and you're talking and then in the middle he's like you're notably drunk you just puke like in front of everybody like just stand there you like projectile vomit and then you know like when you when you're done puking you spit like you you know I think yeah he's like you're dumped you can you spit and like kind of clear it and then you kind of stand back up and you keep telling your story to everybody everyone was like whoa and so I I go into work on Monday that was Saturday night I go into work on Monday and like five of the people that I work with were there and I I'm like hey what's up like good to see you guys and they're like good to see you yeah how come that why how do you like out that would I that would scare me if I knew that I could get there and I wouldn't remember it like I would be like I got a measure my alcohol well yeah I mean like it's not the reason I don't drink that much I just you know the older I've gotten usually if I have a few drinks I'm talking like of real drinks yeah and not anywhere close to drunk I'll wake up the next day and be like [ __ ] man I don't feel like I can do anything today so I mean that's not I feel like I see I was in the shower and I was trying to defend me drinking with Joe as a day not drinking and the reason I can defend it is that I didn't cut loose like I had two drinks yeah which is what a regular person does but I gotta be honest with you I felt like the whole time I was just in the starters box like I was just down in the starters box looking at the race going when are we gonna let go of this and that's the problem I have is that I want to like I don't want to be in the starters box like if we go to if we go to have dinner and you all have a glass of wine that starter blocks like I wanna race I want to run I'm a [ __ ] stallion I want to [ __ ] I want to feel free I don't want to drop like I couldn't have the reason I don't drink and drive is cuz I don't want to I don't want to measure my alcohol and go actually I gotta stop I gotta drive I need an hour to not like I just go no no just take an uber and then let's [ __ ] cut loose yeah yeah your brain is different my brain is really different I like to run I'm like a dolphin if you think about it I'm really I'm truly like a dolphin I'm probably more if I think about it you really are truly like a dolphin a hundred percent which is why is that is that a beautiful to watch like I'm just pure joy yeah I like to get in front of boats I like to jump out of the water I like to do flips not a lot of points to like what I do you probably argue like is any of this like purposeful like what is the point of this but is beautiful you'll like this one you can ask check this one this is a scarier one is he still in LA yeah yeah so when we went to Myrtle Beach it was like junior year I want know I want I want you to slow the story down you want to know what car you drove in I want to know what you were wearing wearing were you wearing the Nike slides with with gym shorts and a cut-off Miami Dolphins sleeveless shirt that you would cut the sleeves off yourself no it's probably like a button-down likes to see what yeah and then jeans and like I don't know maybe boat shoes or something I think it's freshman or sophomore year you like dressed up you didn't go to the beach to like um like look like Sikh I'm a bad I'm a different year different years of college address differently I have a vision of you dressed as like an offensive lineman like like like sleeve like the sleeves cut off your shirt cut down to here that's got his shirt off with a with a with a with a straw fedora with beer caps all around the edge with a Python around his neck now we're in is we're in his 95 Mustang GT he drove I remember that I remember we were drunk we didn't have a hotel and we're driving around a residential neighborhood and we got pulled over and like we have weed and booze and everything we're underage and we got out of that and then we went to the beach and slept on the beach and then the cops kicked us out of there we got a hotel and then we did that Everclear Gatorade thing yeah and I've completely blacked out and then the next morning he I was like something happened last night he was like dude wait what did he say what did you do well I'm which is check is six five and at the time was probably 265 big yeah he's like you're lucky I was with you because I I guess I was like just you know super [ __ ] up we went to some club and I was like you know we should do man you should like grab a girl's ass and then kick the dude that she's with [Laughter] he was ten milligrams on me no no so he was like he thought it was like how it's hilarious he's like what thank you start doing it so then like a girl come by you'd grab her ass and you'd kick the guy and they're like what the [ __ ] are you doing I was like what and he told me that he was like yeah man so a couple guys definitely wanted to [ __ ] you up yeah what was your nickname for that guy when he'd show up for this guy yeah we're like did you ever character them no I didn't Hong Tom's t-bonds I guess it was like but I don't I don't know I just never wanted to get like that [ __ ] up again oh I love when I get that [ __ ] up really yeah I love when I'll I'm super out of my favorite things in the world when college was being like like waking up and being like how did I get home I will say this you're a really good drunk that's a horrible feeling I'm actually as bad as that sounds I'm actually like a really Louisville I I tell people like all positive [ __ ] when I'm drunk see I would I want to see the one I want to see you dangerous like when you're like let's kick that guy on the leg and that because that would make me laugh hard as [ __ ] can we get security yeah Oh that'd be a fun one we should hire like Navy SEALs and then just go around like sup [ __ ] like all drunk and see what what happens that is a brilliant idea you want a videotape that is a brilliant what we need to do well we should call it let's hang on let's think of the right term but it's it's like when you're a diplomat oh yeah diplomatically drunk and where you can't get in trouble because you have diplomatic immunity do it because amount of community and we have like nine cage fighters around us and and we're just and we get to we get to go up to guys bigger than us and just test them a little bit and then the case writers will be like amen calm the [ __ ] down he's like oh my god right I'm your ride favor I'm so sorry I'm such a big fan I you know this guy he's like yeah we're gonna pay pretty heavily to max I didn't get killed tonight it's pretty funny to it to talk to it to somebody who's like hey I'm just trying to have a good night I'm like well you [ __ ] up coming here tonight so hey man are you gonna stand up be that sit there like a [ __ ] and he's like what's your swishy ass looking at right now sick the Diaz brothers were staring pretty aggressive at me more like make up and smacking he's like I'm not touching him birth this is all you tonight I'm like thank you thank you you just go up and be like I'll put my fingers in your mouth [ __ ] yeah he's like ah it'd be so much fun yeah if you could do that for bachelor parties like you'd be like hey man we got you a bachelor party you like do you get strippers you're like no we got cage fighters and you're like what like you get to take these case writers out with you tonight we're not getting in any trouble they're gonna squash it all before it starts yeah it'd be perfect man though basically you can provoke somebody in the fighting but then the fight will never happen if I don't ever happen cuz the guys like I'm sorry man I didn't know it was Boston just already emboss is like 'man just sit down okay yeah that a good boss bas Rutten it probably has one story that I think over and over and over again watch that the clips of his open-handed slap it's the [ __ ] no he did this thing where I would love when he kickboxing he would do an open palm slap - like your ear and it wasn't forbidden and it would just distort and hurt them enough that then that his next move they were never really prepared for and he would just devastate them with this hope you can probably pull it up bas Rutten his open hand slap it's [ __ ] oh my god it looks like the worst and then he obviously kicks so [ __ ] hard men back hands Frank Shamrock top man you know it's I wonder if do you think that cage fight by the way I'm the last person that should be talking about anything mmm a pancreas right see no closed fist to the head in this thing but he's you can do palm strikes and slaps and he's just he's mastered it man does it seem like back in the day like during this time that like these guys just oh my god is that Frank's camera yeah it is it's a young Frank Shamrock yeah I mean he's a great [ __ ] body whoa yeah he just got like the UH but if you get his open his open palm strikes bas Rutten is a [ __ ] savage dude yeah but you know I gotta tell you the way I love him telling stories the way he tells the story is so matter-of-fact whoo bas bas Rutten every time he tells story he was like did you ever hear the story about the time the guy that got the cue ball stuck in his mouth the time he got a cue ball they bet a [ __ ] dude he couldn't get a cue ball in his mouth he did Basel written better guy that he couldn't get a cue ball in his mouth knowing full well you can get an end use can't get it out and he said yeah and then we had to break some of his teeth out and get the cue ball out you know it's really hard to get a cue ball house like the way he says it so like it if you told me you're gonna have to break my teeth to get a cue ball I'd be like oh now we're going to break you would be the guy to have a cue ball stuck in your mouth oh I have to explain it to your wife he said he could do it and then they shoved it in there and then what's it we're good okay we're gonna do the palm strike here what is this Oh No so okay whoo like this is gonna be a lot of him teaching it do you think do you think you don't have like some compilation of him doing it not to like not to like trash talk current MMA fighters yeah cuz there's a lot of great ones now but don't you think there was like something a little more heroic about that first round of cage fighters like the tank Abbot's and the Frank Shamrock it was more brutal is that what it is yeah it was much less rules it was almost like there was only like five pillars of of like hoist Gracie like though it seemed like there was only few of them now it seems like it rotates so quickly that guys come in and out of the system don't you remember though those early days though they were like it would just be just covered in blood and they would just be rolling around in blood and there was there was like I think they were like striking in the back of the head and they were just like let it happen I mean though it's amazing how much we knew about MMA without knowing anything about MMA only because we had the chip in our box so we could watch pay-per-view anytime we wanted in college uh-huh and we would just watch I mean that would be our pre-party of going out Friday Saturday night really you just watch all the fights on repeat on the chip and we just sit there and I remember the first time I heard you were watching that in college in college yeah really I remember watching hoist Gracie in college had to be 1996-97 um but I think I remember watching hoist Gracie and being blown away that a little guy could take a big guy like being that was like mind changing I remember watching those fights and then going outside bars and just being so [ __ ] physically aggressive because we had watched so many of those might that's called priming happen to be one time where I watched a bunch of fights and I was at a job how can I just kept watching fight fight fight and then they were just like hey you know guests aren't supposed to be on the eighth floor of this building and then someone was like there's someone on the eighth and I was like I'm gonna go talk to him right yeah you started barking in this dude's face and he was like what the [ __ ] man told me to call him down I was like no it was all from watching just getting those in my head I remember getting afraid like I want to say let the difference is that one open hand strike where's that somebody else that's someone else oh but look at that [ __ ] monster whoo yeah who is that Jesus Christ man is this the real look like a real person no this is like this is like WWE [ __ ] no no this is oh yeah this has got to be wwo he's thinking all right I don't know this looks ridiculous oh my god whoo that does look real wrestling yeah that's wrestling like to [ __ ] country bumpkins in the back of a garage wasn't Breslin going man that looks real now that that that looks like [ __ ] all right how long do you think it would take us to kill bas Rutten in a hotel room with he was passed out if he was passed out like but just drunk right so like he's had lots of drink and he's sleeping a bed and we that's our jumps the mission is kill him we need to kill him and so like but we can't like here's the key right okay everything it's a cheap hotel room so everything's glued to everything so you can't lift the thing you got a menu with our bare hands got to try to kill a just a just a sleeping bas Rutten way is he just sleeping or he's been drinking I'm asked out like it's pretty wasted I mean we just have to try to suffocate him I guess you think oh hold on one second yeah okay so you think very quietly you'd go yeah I I feel like I mean can we pick the phone up or no can't pick the phone up what am i the dresser if yep me and you can lift the dresser okay so I would be like let's pick up the dresser and then all of a sudden mean you were lifting up the dresser he wakes up we're like hi sir we're just taking the dress around no I'm amazed at like the type of men that are out there what do you mean like the type of men that are out there like the top like just the type of men I would love to see you fight bas Rutten think about let's let's let's categorize men are you ready okay let's let's start with physical men there are men out there qaddafi what no there are men out there that their safety is not paramount what do you mean by safety isn't it like like for me and you our safety is number one like we're not gonna do stuff like if I said hey man let's go out and surf these big waves and we'll do tow-in surfing let's see if we can do it you'd be like I'm not gonna do that yeah I'm not yeah I'm gonna die but there are people that go oh no let me get a shot of that yeah like Laird Hamilton goes I'm in and then yeah I mean dude I saw him paddleboard into Tia pootie up who's like the biggest thickest baby in the world people have a hard time just surfing into it a lot of people toe into it he paddleboarded into it like a paddleboard and then surfed it dude type in Laird Hamilton paddleboard Tia poo its ta that's not the way you spell ta poo that's a [ __ ] Thai hooker pronunciation alright let's see I want to see how he searches it makes me so angry Tia that's ant poo just so you know you wrote tio Oh hold on hold on erase that whole thing got Laird Hamilton la I don't know let him try to guess how to spell Laird so angry Laird Hamilton okay not biggest wave that they're gonna get a lot oh there's that for the record I can tell you the wave right now that wave on the far right is Tia Pugh mm-hmm and by the way I didn't even see this as tfoo that is Tia poo but tie-pin where'd Hamilton paddleboards Tia poo see that's how you spell Tia Poots ta there it's just was at the bottom look at this sorry guys so go to video videos stand up paddleboarding Tia poo no these are [ __ ] dudes that are look how thick this [ __ ] wave or wave is I've watched this video maybe a hundred times this one this I've watched this video because so we're is we're in Hawaii this is not Hawaii this is uh this is Tahiti oh this is like okay like South Pacific yeah and this is the thickest wave look how does that mean the thickest one way did you see how thick this wave is so look at this guy just go so take a look when I get you see the sideways just look at how like you see that waves not like it's just it's a [ __ ] mound of water pouring onto people that looks fun I could never I there's not a part of me that could ever do that like I just my I mean like I would never just the idea of like standing up like being able to stand up that quickly I can't stand up that quickly like that's the hardest part about surfing is getting from on your body have you surfed before yeah but not not like the real surfing but I mean no you think that's just your inexperience though yeah but look at this [ __ ] guy do you think you're willing to risk that no no I'm not willing to risk any of this that that is even scary it like like a five foot wave is terrifying to get thrown off of where's that Laird in all those who watch this he's just kind of come in on a paddle board on a paddle board dude that is unfuck it all these guys are trying to paddle surf like surf regular into it because you got to like be able to get going fast forward to it - Laird you'll see are you did you ever think how fascinating it'll be like on a pure purely genetic study thing - look at him look at him look at him on a [ __ ] paddleboard look how look at him go come on get get the [ __ ] go go dude that guy's a different cut of human yeah for sure he is like I look at that like he also will jump out of a helicopter onto a wave yeah like there's I I look at all the different types of men and I go there's a lot of men I couldn't relate to and then they go well stand-ups one of the most scary things in the world you're like not at all well I would moderator that is you know someone's perspective for sure subjectively they go there's nothing more terrifying than standing in front of 2,000 people alone that is for some people yeah but have you ever thought about what I mean again just scientifically studying the fact that he and Gabby Reece have kids like mmm that they're both these like specimens athletes super athletes I mean amazing like what their kids must yeah I know they have multiple kids like when their kids become adults I bet they're all just gonna be freaks basically right like it's very crazy I just talked to Gabby Reece the other day you did yeah yeah by the way as a Florida State kid yeah it was like what like a highlight like I was like I was so [ __ ] excited I want to know what her see freshman year was like like where she lived like all the yeah all the weird stuff about goin floor state you know what they've done which I have not good at which as a parent you go I'm not really good at they didn't pressure their kids into anything they wanted their kids to find their own way yeah that's great cuz that's who they were their parents didn't pressure them yeah and I was like I would not be like if I had kids that had the [ __ ] genetics of Laird Hamilton and Gabby Reece I'd be like we're up at 6:00 in the morning and we're doing burpees starting now like we are getting [ __ ] ripped and they probably already naturally are I think they're I think they're kids you know Gabby Gabby Reece which is interesting to me didn't get into volleyball into like her senior year of high school really like she didn't and she didn't was that she was like I wasn't even really that good I was just tall she was like and I kind of didn't like I wasn't really passionate about it until I got into it and I was like okay I can get into it dude she's a really fascinating person would you guys podcast podcast on broadcast we did a zoom time why do I stutter that was that why do I stutter what was that sentence she and I've watched so many videos of her [ __ ] layered yeah of her and layered but Jesus is coming out wrong they do this they do this sauna I'm doing this sauna today where it's an extended sauna I like 135 you do it for an hour and she they do this sauna Kohler Polar Plunge which I do a version of unless she's like you should come over and do it and I was like oh I'd love to and I was so intimidated until I realized I will just bring my best buddy Tommy where do they live them in Malibu they have a house in Malibu I lived in Hawaii they have our Malibu in Hawaii - Wow so me and you go we do some underwater Go Go like kettlebell runs on the bottom kettle no run on the bottom yeah get in the sauna for like at 220 with Laird on a on a [ __ ] with some other mitts and a one of these rowing things we bring Jo we should bring Jo and then and then we'll get ice plunge I love when your mama fantasies just kind of run and you're like and then this guy will come and like none of that's gonna hardcore workout me and you need to hardcore workout with Laird yeah that would be a fun day and then we'll video it and we'll put it on you have a crush on Gabby everyone's dead everyone I worked with her sitting remember it you did I did a pilot with her yeah when probably likes probably like five years ago five years ago she doesn't remember it no shoo I was like do you remember where we went meant she's like is this a trick question I was like no I said we did a pilot for love line she was like oh my god yeah once it was love line maybe it was the man show you don't even remember the [ __ ] thing I don't really remember the thing anyway but I said she told me about it was the first time I ever heard about kombucha I said you party and she goes no but I'll have a kombucha every now and then I was like I'd never heard of kombucha and I go what's coming she goes there's alcohol in it I went oh cool and so the next night I bought like a six pack of kombucha making it and I was like I can't catch a buzz from this [ __ ] like I got to drink it faster you know like can you just slow roll about tell me you're kidding I swear to God and what's even funnier as I said to the lady when I checked out of Gelson's I said there's alcohol in there and she goes yeah technically we were supposed to ID you and I was like I thought she was saying it because I was older like I looked like technically I got ID I know you're 21 yeah but she was saying technically because there's such a minuscule amount yeah the day technically I got plenty of these do you feel work and I didn't feel anything by the way I've had the ones with straight-up alcohol in it everything say it's a beer and I don't feel those yeah but I good sign let's get [ __ ] up today and go just harass people okay you know we could do get get some like some booze into me and we'll just go harass people without masks on we'll just scream at them from the car oh yeah yeah we'll get an uber driver black.look we're gonna verbally assault some people you just be cool here's an extra hundred yeah I like it okay hey [ __ ] trying to get AIDS we just keep trying put a mask on we just do that [ __ ] I like that idea I would love I'm curious of when I'll start drinking again mmm what is your guess I want to do a big zoom party call they said they could do a zoom with 3,000 people and I was like I would love to do that and do like a happy hour with 3,000 people we're talking about we gotta have a end of quarantine party okay yeah I mean yeah when you want to do it when the quite wait are you inviting me are you telling me of course you're invited okay like at your Oh you talking about like what do you maybe I should I got into this way too quick what are you thinking when you say end of quarantine party I'm thinking of like throwing a party to celebrate your house yeah yeah I'm in yeah yeah and then like but I mean we're will really tie one on you know oh yeah yeah little people there get some bread Williams other dwarves okay little people they're some of your favorite seven favorites so wait when do you want to do this we I mean there I mean gavin newsom by the way who will be our president one day is oh boy am I getting a lot of text about what just everything Steve Hofstetter oatmeal the sweet get why don't they say we're gonna be out of quarantine they say that they're gonna lock out stay at home is ending a man may 15th is the current well that's a month away we don't know what's gonna happen I don't think for another month my liver is back to its my manager my my my liver is back to normal yup dr. drew okay kinda kinda said that he said he thought it starts with doing a yourself call doc you're doing when see when my liver gets back to normal let's get sixty days Oh see that's it tell him I'm 30 days sober okay I'm by the way we lost it thousand people hey buddy I'm recording this call this is two bears one cave I'm with Bert Kreischer right now Bert a big guy drinks a lot hey big boy oh yeah he's between 20 and 30 days sober 8:30 one month fifty-two minutes and 27 seconds sober he's sober for a month now very he's got a he's got a nap he said he understands why a a works I do understand drew literally last night at 30 days we lost a thousand people that all stop drinking on the same day a thousand people started drinking last night mm-hmm I know right yeah no no yeah no I'm not doing no no yeah he has absolutely no intention of doing it but actually we're trying to figure out when I can start drinking yeah he's trying to trying to plan when to start drinking again I told him that you know they extended the stay at home in LA til May 15th and he's like if I can go til May 15th another month my liver will be completely back to normal okay hang up on him hang up on him which means what which means what okay and then and then and then anyone call you if you ever like were like Johnny bad so so the point is like maybe he should just extend that sobriety period for a little if I got fibrosis then I might as well just [ __ ] start drinking again right drew great so we okay what about this what about that he feels regular pain in his kidney areas is that something to think about doubt stop stop I don't even want to know what that sounds like drew I have never had elevated enzymes in my life so you need like an ultrasound of your liver to know for sure what's going on what about MRI or a cat scan of his brain just to see like what kind of you know frontal lobe damage all right will you schedule an MRI and hey guess we just got uninvited to the party drew yeah I got it but we're talking about throwing a party which is my FOMO which I want to drink at yeah no no no at the end of quarantine it's me and palms all right we're thinking of getting a couple you know tell me touring doesn't start again until fall 21 yeah give us good news give us good million fly me what's good news sar really looking for encouraging my peers are getting lots of interesting improvisation under their belt where they are learning new ways to attack this thing they're really working it's a CD it might be a seasonal virus it might go away drums her vaccines are accelerating I'm listening to a lecture on the vaccine right now the trick to figure out how to ask it could come and and you know then the way out is with the social distancing in the past the hand-washing all this stuff and that might be very very very effective that's cool and is it true that Persians need to worry more than anybody else Persians obvious are they more prone to getting it or no okay all right just checking just checking it just feather a brother all right well thank you for the Intel we're getting thanks for the good mood we're gonna try to heal Bert soon thank you thank you dr. Jeff hey drew drew drew drew what can I take to heal my liver quicker [Music] doesn't do anything just kind of called nad that I'll look into great awesome thank you appreciate it one time that is a fun way to end an episode one time I walked into a GNC and I said to the guy I said yeah I'm looking for something to kind of like help heal my liver and the guy looked at me is Indian guy and he goes you need to quit drinking man and I went I'm sorry and I was like I how do you know that I drink and he goes why do you come into GNC and ask I needed your liver you need to quit drinking man that's all and I went wait hold on you don't have just like a vitamin E goes quit drinking and just went back to the desk no way I thought of I said you're gonna get a hurt real bad am i doing it right close that hat is fire it's not out yet I've never been asked more Bose Lee Ann's going crazy she's like all I get are [ __ ] emails about that goddamn hat it's gonna be May is what we know for sure now yeah and it's gonna well I think we should actually get together and do like an IG live to announce that it's in because it's gonna go immediately okay I should do something like social media let's do an Instagram have you do been doing a lot it yeah in my view you have celebrities no I did one with David Arquette the other day yeah finally fun he goes he's like yeah man I go you drinking he goes nah man I'm [ __ ] sober and I said oh nice I go how many long and he goes wow like two days but you know like oh that's what I love David Arquette yeah yeah the yeah we should do an Instagram live and then we shoot you want to do a zoom meeting with 33,000 people I'll let you handle that and then we're gonna have a party at your house I think so on May let's just see how this develops but yeah plan on it and then what is I'm like I'm in really great shape right now I'm looking good I'm feeling good I'm trying to get heard healthy that's my new thing heard healthy yeah because that's what they're talking about heard human immunity mm-hm is that they're gonna at one point that he's gonna be like alright [ __ ] it let's start life up back up again and we're just gonna thin out the herd that's I mean type in herd immunity real quick because that's like the big thing they're talking about now is going [ __ ] it you just go back to the Rd oh my god yeah Amber Heard human immune the herd immunity the resistance the spread of contagious disease that it was a suddenly high proportion of individuals mean the disease especially through vaccination but what they're talking about it's just opening up things again and just saying who dies [ __ ] it go out and it's let's just roll the dice that young people don't die like crazy by the way I'm paraphrasing I'm not certain that's what that's me barely listening because it doesn't really say that there but but I by the way I just want to point out that I listen to amazing know that we barely got to know me hold on I lose adopt at [ __ ] third grade I'm gonna start the clock I'm gonna tell you a one-minute story if I can do a one-minute story on Tom that means I've listened okay ready set go Tom Segura was born to Forrest Gump and Frida they were they lived very early in Cincinnati where he's born and then he moved to Minnesota where he found his love of football started going to football camps which such stars as Cris Collinsworth and [ __ ] that up Rich Gannon Tom then moved down to Florida where he met he missed a move he missed you moved back to Cincinnati nope you moved to Indiana mill watch Milwaukee was next I was a [ __ ] kid I went to school and then he moved down to a very multicultural group of friends three black dudes two Indians and the Asian and they were called the mathletes and then him and Charlie went to South Carolina and partied in an IROC and slept on the beach Tom kicked a dude in the leg smacked his chick in the ass and that's where we met what was the name of the drinking Tom Tom Tommy - two times Tommy Tommy two times buns buns Tommy buns Tommy's person out god that was a minute 12 I feel like I was at [ __ ] three minutes yeah we are I did all right guys here's what I'm gonna say let's wrap it up let's wrap it up my goal in this podcast is to start listening more I'm not gonna change a Bertus interruptus but I'm gonna start listening more okay okay that's my goal in this podcast my goal is to point out how often he doesn't do that okay that's totally totally cool um that's yeah you know we should do at the end of every episode what what did we learn about each other okay okay all right so you start with me what did you learn about why don't we try on the next episode okay um what did I learn about you I learned today that Tom I just interrupted you I learned that Tom needed to fight for his personality and that is why we got blessed with the guy we have today a guy who just wants you to notice him but doesn't want interrupt you because he understands the dad Vietnam is a lot harder mom I understand that this American culture was confusing but I do want you to be hurt I want to be hurt oh that's pretty good yeah pretty good I learned that you have more health problems that I'm aware of and that you the amount of times that you can cite [ __ ] yourself is really alarming but that you also are a lot of the reasons why you are the way you are is for sure because I don't think that you were actually seen and paid attention to that much you know like when you got picked up from tennis camp and you [ __ ] [ __ ] all over yourself and that you're drinking really brings out the personality that you want people to see you as having fun and you don't want it to ever stop and just keep the party going let the buzz roll on on your liver will heal itself there we go and I'm thirty days sober unless it's scarring all right so that's it for us if mine scarring yours scarring I'm Tom he's special needs and we will be back very soon watch hey big boy ball hog and our friend chris d'elia has no pain out on netflix and see if you can figure out the joke we talked about is if you can tie it together yep and then if you can hit us up and by the way even if you find it funny and you can edit together the three of our specials into a joke you find funny hey hit us up with it i would love to see the person that can edit the three together and get it get it right w various yeah alright that's it that's it I love you tall I love you too buddy alright [Music] tops while the other wears the shirt Tom tell stories and Bert's thought machine there's not a chance in hell today okey between ears what we call there's one cake no scripts appear to booze amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two pairs one cave [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 1,061,960

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: 5QWfhRYI3wo

Length: 87min 39sec (5259 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 20 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/sweatybeard]

I've found that every time Bert asks a question, it's only because he has a story about it and really wants to talk about it.

PS that mention of Patrice, I gotta post the link to the actual story as told by Patrice O'Neal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CybGo6hALVo

[u/xliquorsx]

10mg Tom might be cool, but I miss 1 Handle Bert A LOT.

[u/supreme_being69]

Bert thinking young generations aren’t going to experience change in the middle of a pandemic is peak R word.

[u/tgrote555]

“My brain’s different, I like to run. I’m like a dolphin.”

• Bert Kreischer

[u/samhoe]

Bert uses "grey-out" instead of browned out smh. Truly most racist retard

[u/RachetFuzz]

I genuinely feel like I know more about Tom than Bert.

[u/juspeter]

Isn’t constant diahrrea a sign of alcoholism?

[u/Shablayblay]

Bert is....painfully R worded

[u/buttscratcher23x3]

Love how we complained / didn't watch that episode enough to alter Bart on this podcast