Ep. 27 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

oh snap there's hot ear merch message calm / calm cigarette head on over mercy better calm / Tom Segura this episode of two bears is brought to you by policy genius we're always going to get things wrong that's just life but there are also things we can get right on the first try like shopping for home insurance and that's where policy genius comes in first head to policy genius calm answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property then you let them compare and give you options about like what the other policies are that are out there this doing this has saved their average their customers an average of six hundred and ninety dollars per year doing just that if they find you a better rate than what you're currently paying they do all the work to get you switched personally I find that to be the worst part about switching what you're doing is the hassle of doing it the actual legwork of the busy work they take care of it so it's not a problem if you own a car policy genius 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almost I the I've been curious I'd be curious to know the most horrific thing I've ever tweeted like it would be that could be discovered no I've checked my I've checked my timeline it's not that bad because I work for Travel Channel the entire time Twitter was on so I was pretty good about not tweeting did they ever call you about a tweet are you [ __ ] kidding me dude I got brought into her office I got brought into the president's office and you didn't see like I do purposely vile things on your Twitter is almost like you're unaware you could get in trouble for it I got a one of my good friends was like is a director and he goes you know you were up for this like easy money campaign cuz I said I wanted you to be the guy and I was like oh great he was yeah and then corporate has a rating system that they put people's social media through and it basically has it it's a it's a color-coded system so they go like if somebody you know we want to hire Burt check out his social media then they do it they go like it's blue and that means blue means like he's good to go oh I would love that I would find out where I'm rated and I was like what happened but me he goes but you came back with like a fire engine red I was like what does that mean he goes not pot like you we can't forgive it we can't for real yeah he goes like just corporate wise he goes corporations would we'll stay away from you well you remember remember when you went when first started you just do videos of yourself [ __ ] yeah more specifically with diarrhea and it was sound and everything yeah I remember being I remember being I didn't know that people were writing to me for a long time I didn't know where the ATS where I was like no one sees this from anyone well I was like how come no one ever writes to me and then somebody was like have you hit this button and I know they are seeing me [ __ ] I'm watching you [ __ ] and then thinking that is a good angle I'm gonna say I recorded myself [ __ ] and I posted it to you going like tit for tat or print quid pro quo and within two minutes I got a call from Travel Channel oh really women I hadn't left her bathroom and they're like and they were like hold that down immediately and I was like huh why I didn't know people were seeing him either I was like what I did they the big thing was you going to type in horrible words that's what they did with Kevin Hart when they you just type in act Kevin Hart and then type in any slur and then they just all show up so yeah that's a super easy way to check so if you type in go to Twitter burped a perk right go to Twitter oh wow this is gonna take a [ __ ] while Nadav text like he has Lobster claws for him yeah like he's like ball okay and so go to search and just do Bert Kreischer and now type in a horrible word in the dog go ahead and a dog knows you're not gonna find people yeah he didn't call him Wow Wow those are all from recent - wow that's a beautiful young lady that wrote that really look at that that's crazy we're at the top one there be squirt no be squirts not a beautiful young lady who is B by the way we're giving B squirt a shout-out for typing in the most horrible thing you can say about G look at this look at this honestly expected orissa pure I mean okay go ahead keep going this is a fun game did not see although there's gonna be millions of not see this is stupid oh that's terrible that I'm there in the Nazi yeah the first one that comes up you guys talking about Nazis yeah okay I read that as a hot Nazi that's you wrote that oh yeah but that's interesting that it not all right from you oh another one from you know hold on that's a good one because I'm Dyslexic that reads I read that as hot Nazi and was like sure I guess why not cuz Colin Hanks wrote if the choice is between Nazi and not Nazi I'm gonna side with not Nazi every time but I read it is hot Nazi I'm like well I wouldn't yeah how what do you feel about a hot Nazi what if it was a sweetie being poured on that is a genre of porn hot Nazis of course I haven't seen any Jude the girl that did flying dildos to me the blonde chick looked like a hot Nazi I remember that woman just type in hot nods yeah let's see some hot and then speaking of porn let's talk about your birthday wishes oh how great was that was the funnest you know I had a different angle for that is there anyone that starts like in uniform though type in not just I know this all kind of looks like no don't put it hot not specific try not see no it's like a redundant just type in Nazi yeah Nazi porn because we did find Hitler porn before [Laughter] what is that gorilla I don't know it sounds like you're being racist again not I am NOT this is a porn site there hold on what is that uh there there is Hitler right there that's not right that's an animal right hold on what was that thing Nadal what [ __ ] haha by the way um all right let's get back to [ __ ] the dog uh yeah so that was a quick thing to go through go through your texts and see and type in a horrible word type in search and text and see who's written that word the most that's interesting let's see yeah I'll do the word everyone's thinking of and see what comes up but which one did you Mexican if you type in Burt Mexican and I was drinking with this guy nubert caste it brings up every time I've typed in night I guess I gotta spell it all the way out do not Mexicans on his slur he always goes where he feels the Jew has got a slur what is that one why did you write the Jew stole the show no why is that what's that all about it's a few years old too so maybe there's a story here no no [Laughter] what's going on there make that bigger delete it what's this here no no it's the Jew crew the Jew crew was a band that played at George's George's choir concert and they were [ __ ] awesome did you give them that name no yeah well that's what they looked like was their name they called them something for the Jew crew and it got a big laugh and then I put it out there and then one day people say says I thought Coco was created by Santa Claus followed these old ones are horrible wait what is the wiring Sheikh said what he says my agents talked about the Bert Kreischer is he the jabroni Jew or intelligent in the comedy that's what the Iron Sheik was looking about these are old yeah that's so funny you talk about flights with calm and cool Jews in Hollywood and blow job that was a fun topic that was the coolest Jews in Hollywood like the bet like like the ego not the so-so Jews like the really cool ones yeah yeah yeah yeah that was blasphemy who are the coolest Jews I was Hitler yeah like he made like he was one of the first guys to make like that Hanukkah song yeah I heard it and you were like dammit I wish I was Jewish right he was like Rod Carew not a Jew right today I learned that light-skinned black people are more sensitive I did not you know god I did write that I did write that I did okay I wrote okay Jesus Christ can we this is a horrible [ __ ] game I think you actually can I tell you the craziest thing that here's one you wrote if you like Kid Rock comedy and black people you'll love this week's Bert cast Wow but these are in context keep going this is horrible what is this oh my god I don't even know mister 2010 okay watching the Westminster Kennel Dog Club show not a lot of black people and by a lot I mean any that's me trying to write a joke yeah which is pretty accurate joke 'we scroll back up Joey Diaz wrote if you think black people talk and move with you go to prison for a few months you ain't seen nothing hold on this is oh my god this is this by the way this is what I'm sure they have hired someone to travel channel to do for me and and this is before it was cleaned up like I like my initial Twitter my first tweet or whatever it was all just I was like to get it was it was almost like throwing a rock into a pond you were like trying to get anyone noticed yeah yeah yeah and so that's why a lot of people like the the what's her name someone that wants in her name someone was very vocal about I don't know her name is yeah I feel bad for her but she got there was someone who got lit up and was like yeah who know you'd we did those things and they were horrific and you were like those are pretty aggressive but yeah you do that in your taxi to that I typed in the n-word in my emails because I was like when the Sony thing came out and you saw what people were emailing each other yeah I was like I don't really a mail that much I don't even read my emails and so I typed in the n-word and it came up a bunch and I was like [ __ ] well I didn't come up so much in it look I wrote it in my book it was it's written in my book and so I had to and so I emailed it FSF's of my book oh I guess yeah it was in my book and I was like oh thank god and then my wife's like that's not good you published the n-word like you didn't just write an email you published it I was like oh yeah this is like the manifesto you were right we type in Tom Segura Segura I was let's go through Tom's search history yeah Segura and then give me the hard one type it in spell it he wants at Tom cigarette yeah we might be editing mmm why would you do that they don't call it that wait what's the first one after Tom Segura last night I watched a fat lady called Filipino lady the n-word then go snitch to the cops that she was harassing her I don't know and by the way this is just two bears one cave great did too many sees Jesus no way no one's ever written a hate-filled email to their neighbor oh well that's they're gonna call him that no no you had it right yeah okay not like Spock there you sound like my mom type in the hard one let's see if we get let's type in its chart let's start to write that word night spell it out for me spell that for me type in that one see if that comes up that's the that's the buzz word no just type in the [ __ ] word if you type in the word you're not racist you won't even type in the word is that how woke you are oh by the way that's also a hate word hey can you please see what your [ __ ] employee is doing right now he won't type in the word with an ER he types in with an A so it seems acceptable we're not using the word Nidal you're simply seeing if that word has ever been used in a tweet with Tom let's there you go oh I've seen that one I've seen that video has Tom ever used it in a tweet that's the what we're at cuz we're gonna delete it before anyone whoa no but oh my god Jesus Christ these are all old but it's but people saying it in tweets to you yeah like hey Tom wait what is that one with me in there haha what is that sucks well what is it a reply to we got four so we're not doing any more Oh what is it I was just joking with someone well he's joking - yeah he's joking - yeah get the [ __ ] out okay god it's so hard - the troll ability of these yeah is in is through the [ __ ] roof and that's like that's we were kind of talking about this earlier but that's what's insane about your mom's house is the did I just lose my breath for a second yeah the the the our blood penetration the controllability of your mom's house with like the Garth Brooks with the it's it's I've never really quote-unquote trolled entirely but man it's a teen that's a joke for me okay yeah you can read it I took him I'm not gonna say it out laughing I took ambien last night and nothing brain just shut off totally sober now and the Jews run the banks that's good that's a great joke yeah that's a great joke you know it's a joke what's your most what what's your most retweeted can you find that on there Nadal those way to have an hour till we combine it used to be like jokes and then the the most liked thing I've ever tweeted was a couple days ago when I just wrote hey what the [ __ ] at that meme of Chris D'Elia plus me equals Big Ed from before the 90 days that went crazy that was a good one I saw that and I was like that is what they look like dude that thing got there look a hundred and forty three thousand wait let me see if you go to if you go to my yes I wrote hey what the [ __ ] oh my god a hundred and forty three thousand likes likes yeah and it's just Chris plus me equals that guy holy [ __ ] that is so funny that is what you guys would look like if you combined yeah that guy's 411 yeah yes 411 it's pretty short it's a foot shorter the bagel guy died I don't know hope so what did you hear did the baby I think it a stroke and died will you look up angry bagel guy we'll be back in half an hour [Laughter] last year oh yeah he had a stroke but that says November 2019 well it's a while ago it was no that was the other month okay look up just see if a just do bagel guy you know just see ya is there any news bagel guy who's the bagel can you imagine that's the crazy part is there's a lot of really angry people holed up in their houses right he's not dead there's there's a lot of really angry people that are by themselves right now and you're seeing that a lot on happen how bad would what would you be like if you were alone completely right now you know it's so funny have you talked on the phone to someone who's single and been by themselves a couple times and they just they're like so anyway how's my god and they just start rambling you just saw me you just saw me on the phone with one when you got here yeah and that's a friend's parent who I was asked to call about something and then it just kept going and kept going and kept going and I was trying to be like yeah yeah okay I mean it just wouldn't end it I wish there was a there should be a way there should be I wish there was a way people could connect like um phones as opposed to through Twitter because I think Twitter ends up with a lot of hate I told you I've been on Twitter more than I have ever been it's not going well it's not man I think I'm doing I did a moratorium no Twitter the other day and I started feeling better about oh good you know what the [ __ ] up thing is like especially when you have a special come out right and you go alright I'm not gonna look and then you go alright I'm gonna look and then the weird thing is you can even have an unsettling feeling seeing nothing but positive things so in your mind you go it's because you're reading negative things but you can read thirty minutes of all positive things and you still feel I don't know kind of off right well I fit what you feel mmm I wanna there's on Instagram there's like a little heart thing and you can go see how many people have mentioned you in their stories what my Instagram came when my special came out I would look at that and it would be I mean like yeah twenty thousand yeah yeah and I'd be like oh my god and then all of a sudden I felt like someone had bought them like it didn't feel real and I'd retweet them and then I feel ugly retweeting them going like what am i I'm just like I'm rewarding people talking nice about me that's only gonna be get people talking shitty about me going [ __ ] that guy there's a weird [ __ ] thing about [ __ ] that guy or [ __ ] this thing yeah where it's like because remember we talked about this last week and I was saying that I'm a hypocrite because of that dance show by the way Justin Martindale hit me up he was like you didn't need to apologize really yeah he was like he was like dude you didn't talk [ __ ] like I watched it I was on the show I didn't like it was very nice chef Justin Martindale but like but it is a weird thing that ah cuz when [ __ ] rains down on you you're like [ __ ] you don't watch [ __ ] you don't subscribe [ __ ] you a man I'm trying to do something good and you get like you don't need to watch this and then all of a sudden you find yourself [ __ ] on things going like it's so like infects you dude we went to we went to the Country Music Awards or like it was like the big CMT festival yeah in Nashville you went to this when I was on tribal team oh no I thought you went on your own so I like the [ __ ] is wrong with you I have no interest in country music I just found out Keith Urban is a country music guy what do you think he was just thought it was like Keith Sweat like I just thought it was a black dude I really honestly saw Keith Urban and I just because I've been so conditioned to hear the word urban is black yeah I just saw Keith Urban and what I okay and then I didn't urban such a condescending term when you think like I always thought it was when we first started comedy I mean I live in the city - what the [ __ ] you talking about was Keith Urban I said something about Keith Sweat I don't know why Keith Sweat was in the news but I said something about Keith Sweat and then I missed theft and I said Keith Urban and lingos Keith Urban's married to Nicole Kidman mhm and I went she married a black dude and she was like Keith Urban's white and I went Keith Urban's why she goes honey he sings country music I don't are you serious and she goes he's from Australia and I go he's room [ __ ] Australia there's a lot I don't know about music we know that do you know Clint black yeah do you think it looks like it's not that far off oh yeah but Keith Urban is like planted in your subconscious yeah so we go to this country music thing I gotta find pictures of me in a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and everything oh they're definitely out there of me I've spent a lot of time in cowboy boots in cowboy hats yeah yeah I dated a girl and she was like from that you know cut from that cloth and she was like here's a hat no yeah yeah like to socialize online I don't know I don't think so I don't think so but I have them somewhere um so ridiculous so we go to this country music thing and things for to get laid I mean those are photos all Photoshop guys I do have I do have them somewhere the that's a good-looking picture oh that's not you that's the the guy that looks like you know that's me like they put my face onto somebody as a Photoshop so um we go to this country music thing and one of the biggest like Jason Aldean or like one of the biggest acts I don't like what's the biggest country music act like one of the that guy is on stage I forget his name but he's on stage karthe Brooks known no it's not Garth Brooks it's uh it's I mean the Zac Brown Band had just been on and I was like kinda okay with them but I was I was like it's not my style of music I find country music to be a tad bit condescending a little bit like just it's just like it's almost like branding it's not a lot of it for me it's just I got a pickup truck and everyone's like I got one of those and it's like and then they're like I would think that you would be excited about that kind of music well no at the time this is what's wise our comic and I'm sitting in the front row going writing a bit it's branding it's like I'm watching people cheer he's like I go down by the river and they're like we need a river right by Granny's house and like yeah that's where think you can like he's drawing a picture that they're all and I'm sitting in front whoever this big country-western story Willie Nelson nope and I'm arms folded and I'm in the front row and I start to get a snob view of life like going this sucks this [ __ ] sucks and I go how many of these people would love to be standing where I'm standing I could give two [ __ ] shits and I was like this is so stupid I can't even enjoy this Tim McGraw IV was Tim McGraw it was like the biggest [ __ ] he was the headliner right yeah this and we're in a stadium and I'm in the front [ __ ] row and I have security around me and I am I can because travel tell you brother the Travel Channel yeah and I can see sweat on him and he's singing to us and I'm literally sitting arms fall to go this sucks no look at how stupid they are for liking it I don't like it and I'm upfront that makes me smarter and then I went oh my god I have this realization going there's a [ __ ] stadium full of people that are liking this clearly this is good right clearly I am wrong and I'm not allowing myself an opportunity to be in a great space and see someone who is [ __ ] doing it right and I went I'm like a hipster in [ __ ] Brooklyn I am like the [ __ ] troll online who shits on me and I go oh my god there is a pure joy in disliking something everyone likes yeah there's a pure joy and going I'm right they're wrong yeah I looked at Mike my sound guy John Sayles and I was like I was like do you like this he's like what's not my type of music but it's pretty cool man we're right up front and I was like why am I not seeing the world like that like and then I started looking around and my cameramen are like this is great right and then I was like you know what [ __ ] this grabbed a beer cuz I wasn't I wasn't ringing at the time like I was like this is [ __ ] awesome and I just learned to like it like go I'm gonna be in the moment I'm gonna try to enjoy it with everyone else but there is a real satisfaction or a joy or pleasure in disliking someone everyone likes like I think a fuse we're all like then and also that exists even I think that exists in everyone's life that whole thing of like you know something becomes you got to watch this TV show you got to hear this song you got to read this book and people are like I'm good yeah I'm guilty of that for sure and then sometimes what happens is you you know it's an interesting thing that happens where you'll go alright I guess I'll check this out and a lot of times the thing that was a huge hit you're like oh pretty [ __ ] good but but sometimes it doesn't actually resonate with you in which case I think it's fine I mean it's fine to hate on something if that's what you want to do yeah does it there is that thing where it becomes like this addictive feeling yeah right you don't want that to define your personnel not at all you don't want to be like the person that goes to dinner and they're like hey did you try her bread you're like [ __ ] her bread dude [ __ ] her bread am i right guys the worst ones are the when the people like I have a cousin I feel like it is like that with restaurants and food and so you're like check out this amazing Italian restaurant he's like you know he's like pretty good but have you been to and you're like can you just in our way this you know I took him to like this like the I think the best sushi place right and I was like I didn't go with him I told him about it then he goes I went there and I was like and and this guy gets up at 2:00 in the morning go he's Jack you know Japanese guy every morning in the fish market he's had to place a hole in the wall place in the valley for like 27 years it's amazing it's amazing he was like it's pretty good I was like it's pretty good he goes well I have a place in Burke I don't like that why I don't know it's but it's kind of like the same application of that you know he's got to be like he's got to say that was okay I'll refer you to somewhere else that's better yeah and then I go out of my way to [ __ ] on whatever he recommends I'm like you just really I'm like you just have an unsophisticated palate so you don't like boom this is what we call them dumb tongues yeah we have one of those in our life we're a leaving he'll take me somewhere good and I'll be like it kind of sucked see but then they infect you where you go alright pushing back yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I used to I used to I feel the way you talked about that music about like Bruce Springsteen you know I love Bruce Springsteen was dead I have you seen what's a Nadal pull up the movie or a Bruce Springsteen right type in Bruce Payne themed Indian guy yeah yeah you don't talking about know exactly dude it is so [ __ ] good blinded by the light this dude I deemed him and or and said your movies [ __ ] awesome it's such a great [ __ ] movie but I want to make clear I don't wish she was dead but I don't understand you don't like Bruce Springsteen not even a little bit for real don't get it it doesn't it doesn't do anything for me I try to be the guy that you just like I have tried to have that epiphany you had where I I mean I don't get like like upset with but like when I see the devotion and like people are like have you seen this footage of them in the E Street Band and at this kinda Mike sent it to me and I'll watch it I'm like okay okay I am now a huge Bruce Springsteen fan because I watch this movie right yeah but I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert yeah at this at the right by the Colosseum I don't think was at the Coliseum huh but it was right by the Colosseum and and I hated it well look I hated it it was such a bad concert and and I'm a big and I bet and I and I ended up arms crossed yeah going like it's long as [ __ ] first quarter two and a half oh here's the thing I would never go and I have zero I don't send me links I don't want to see any more footage I don't want any more song hold on hold on I'm saying here's what I'm saying though okay I am tryin to the point where I actually feel like you know what there are things that like some people just love and they're not for me and I'm fine with that I'm at the point where I go not everything is for me so that's fine that other people yeah that's right you're right you know you're right about that it not everything is for me I just fell in love with Elvis Costello okay I never listen to anything Elvis Costello ever in my entire life I didn't like him because of his glasses of course I saw the [ __ ] [ __ ] those guys he reeks of everything I hate an art yeah and I was like [ __ ] him ya [ __ ] prick with your stupid glass I get it you're branded you wear the glasses that's your thing and look at those big [ __ ] glasses and then and this is not how I'm certain they wanted him to be sold to a person but they had said top five performances on SNL top five performers banned from SNL and Elvis Costello's number one he's banned yeah why because he went on Loren Michaels total my song was saying and he was like you don't tell them the [ __ ] thing oh my god I'll say whatever the [ __ ] I want a thing like I'm not gonna and they're like we want you to do do this song hold on I'll remember this less than zero less than zero is all about British Parliament or something or huh like British laws and he was like that's stupid why am I saying that in the United States like has nothing political to do with the US I should sing radio and he was like well we can't sing radio that's about how everything's set up from advertisers and we don't want to [ __ ] with our advertisers he's like okay so he's like he's like can you play it it's actually pretty cool oh you can't oh yeah I guess we can't yeah but what happened he starts he starts playing the song Lorne Michaels starts and he just stop stop stop one two three and he plays radio I got chill bumps watching it I was like I [ __ ] like this guy he stops it he stops it in the middle you know that I was actually watching I don't watch SNL a lot but I happen to be watching live when the Simpson girl walked off do you murmur at that performance no Jessica Simpson's sister oh yeah I just like walk the voice of Bart's and now the voice of Bart Simpson did not walk off if you had not said Jessica Simpson I would have heard this totally [ __ ] different for the entire calleb Unga that's when that happened when you said and then the voice over I'm like she didn't even do the real voice on there that's all she's known for now and she didn't even Nancy I know what's her name tell your cans on what's up well we have another treat we'll treat oh [ __ ] so are you alright is here no she's not here but um don't you have here we go oh [ __ ] what's this auto-tune man [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] nothing like this all I want to hear the original I know you need to hear it by the way we can't release these because he wrote the lyrics huh I mean release where I would did you see chelsea peretti put out a coffee song no yeah tell see pretty is going viral please she put all the coffee song no offense Chelsea pretty but it's not like the greatest one I've ever heard yeah it's just like a I want coffee I want coffee and it's like [ __ ] going everywhere really oh yeah yeah type in caught chelsea peretti coffee sy s hmm coffee coffee and then sy is what's sy is Isis there you go hit this this is like huge this is huge I'm sure we can play cranking through my sis yes system yeah yeah here we go this is [Music] okay she's just sold she's selling album with that yeah good for her yeah I know but play my jam the Drake wrote look it's uh but it's my artistic thumbprint on it and who produced it cuz who did that was that grass Kingdom to grass Kingdom was it just team up was it enough no a lot of talent Babu but yeah a lot of talent has multiple producers on their albums it's true that's true boo boo boo you remind me of when nas Illmatic came out and primo and Pete Rock and lord finesse they all worked with them yep people heard you sing and they're like yeah I want to get on this to his album so here's what I need this is super simple and by the way we will do this next episode all I need is some poets out there to write me some lyrics mm-hmm I will improv them and make them brilliant Jesus and then scuba booba and and grass roots grass Kingdom grass Kingdom will produce them hits we got hits all the money goes to charity we release it on iTunes and these will be viral [ __ ] hits these will be to the point where I guarantee you I get a shout out from Drake why would he shout yeah Drake's gonna go I can't believe I started all this Drake's gonna be like dude this is good stuff how do I guess scuba booba and grassroots in the studio with me to flip my [ __ ] and then these poets will be out there and then they'll be like that's not even enough he's like this guy Burt just feels the things and just rhymes them and just and just he I structured them here's what I think what I think your idea that you just said I want to do this - your idea dude let's try it guys we need one poet out there do we have a poet lyricist littler lyricist yeah or maybe we take not such a big hit song that's probably a good place to start and we just flip it we just like a boring song take it not a hit you do something maybe you could make a Bruce Springsteen song interesting to me BAM give me a obscure Bruce Springsteen strong spring friend by the way some [ __ ] [ __ ] goes and by the way don't think I didn't know you were trolling me okay I do dr. Drew's podcast cos everyone's like it's been super depressing is it might reduce some times it starts about facts either like we would loves them not so many facts in there so they have me on and this [ __ ] [ __ ] goes hey man I've been drinking my whole adult life and now I stutter and don't say the right words when I talk is that because of alcohol hey Burt I noticed you do it all so what was Drew's response she was like it has to be a great about deal with alcohol and I was like okay next question how much you think you're gonna drink on Friday uh it's just couple drinks I'm not into booze right now yeah I know Leanne was [ __ ] wasted last night she was did you guys fight today yeah I heard ila always fight what do they fight about everything waking up ila sets that's an alarm and it's Alexa so it's Alexis alarm is dude doot-doot didn't and we walk in a room and it's been going off for a half an hour and she just sleeps right through it and Leanne's like this is ridiculous I'll get out of bed and no one likes to be woken up like that yeah and so they go at it they're the same person they go at it in Georgia they really are the same they look this saying and then Georgia teams up with LeAnn and goes I've been hearing the alarm for 30 minutes and I was like Georgia stay out of it and then I jump in and I'm like guys hold on and because I can't wake up I'll arms don't wake me up so I have to set like nine alarms all over the house really I've never once set an alarm and been like that'll do it I've never once been like what do you do for flies you set like seven alarms I set alarms and it's usually like if you look this is a perfect example I showed this to Ella this morning if you look at my alarms look at how I structure it oh my god these are by the way do they go out at the same time look at this tom it's it's in five minute increments these are different flights I've taken so it's like four look at this I mean it's but what about when there's two at the same time due to go off yeah yeah yeah it'll go off what I do is it so like so say this morning not this morning yesterday I got to get up for 6 a.m. radio right so I said a 5 I said to 5:30 alarms so it goes off so I'll set snooze for one but another one to go off and I'll set snooze for the next one and then 5:35 will go off and I'll sit snooze for that and there's the N wake up when this all goes 540 goes off I hit snooze for that and now at one point they are just going off nan [ __ ] stop she's not yelling at you for that she's just learned to live with it because it pays the bills so but no one's eyelids not paying any bills so it's I had to say to ila you gotta set alarms everywhere so today I said we just set up her room with literally alarms in every corner so she's got getting it away let me see so you pull up your alarms again I want to see what your sounds that you like are you have radar radars aggressive that is not a fun alarm I mean is that what I wake up - yeah that's here yeah that's a wake up - is it are they all that that's it they all are that one that's the loudest one unless you can find loud there's latter one they'll give me a lateral one we've had an argument well tell me what you like no never I'm gonna sleep through that - sounds like go back to bed nope nope I don't like the house I dream about robots that's too sweet let's see how I no no not a princess I'm not it's 1980 or reg of the Nerds nope nope how does this wake anyone up okay nope that's that's super annoying nope it's not loud enough really go to the original one oh no that's like a sweet alarm how about this nope no how about no this is a bird alarm looks like a [ __ ] party started sounds like I'm at a baseball game ladies and gentlemen I'll just have dreams about baseball who does that wake up now I guess maybe you're right yeah what yeah that's [ __ ] annoying super annoying yeah we are free we should create sound bites and then sell them in the nut seldom will just give them away in the odd in the ring section of alarms yeah ready yeah let's do our own hey guys it's two bears one caves wake up get up you [ __ ] loser you have herpes you have herpes oh that's what you want the alarm yeah yeah you have herpes wake up you [ __ ] Jew so be like that'll actually get me out of bed I get me a hey a dirty Italian get out of bed and make some pasta wake up your [ __ ] [ __ ] hey mama says it's time to make a meatballs oh let's go sell I think those would sell well I I had an improv that we were doing on the bossman levantate a [ __ ] [Laughter] and we cannot cast you in another commercial hmm Wow oh yeah do one for my people okay this economy is on your shoulders get up please this episode of two bears is brought to you by whoop we're living in all raisi times right now anxiety is at an all-time high as we self-quarantine trying to combat the corona virus we're stressed we don't sleep well that weakens our immune systems we're more prone to getting sick the 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doctor's office or a pharmacy remember that's for hems comm slash cave this uh when I was a kid I used to do I by the way I would pay probably a hundred thousand dollars to find this tape right now of I used to do motivational speeches to myself in the morning when I was in sixth and seventh grade by the way if I really if I could find these tapes Tom they would be such gold it will you as videotape yourself I would there wasn't videotape it was audio tape and it was taped off my recorder like my stereo thing and I would be like come on Bert you got this man get up buddy come on we did this last night we know we're not gonna feel good like I would talk to myself come on okay I'm gonna play one song and then after this song you're getting up this song better pump you manually play that and I play a song and they're like all right now get out of bed and I'd be like okay and like okay man you play your voice to you I would play my voice to me giving myself a pep talk about the day I would give $100,000 what goes on in your head i man I was the weirdest child I would do those You frustrate your parents to no end oh I did a podcast with this woman dr. V right yeah and I talked about we talked about i drawing wrong people into your life because you know i've had an innate ability of drawing a lot of very toxic people into my life what was that it's a burp oh it's [ __ ] red blood love Red Bull so much I haven't drank it in like 10 years and I love it more than anything I love it so much I quit drinking here's my blood pressure was through the roof yeah right now my blood pressure so low I get lightheaded I'm trying to get it up a little bit so I said to this lady doctor he was a great [ __ ] podcast by the way if you're looking for a guess she was awesome cuz a therapist she did like she does stuff on Bravo she's like was it dr. V doctor okay okay and so I did I said I'm bringing these toxic people in my life why I might keep bringing talk to people and my she's beautiful and so she said you had her on your body yes yeah boobs oh it was a zoom recording okay and we just did therapy I was supposed to interview her about her stuff and I just did therapy with her and then I'm gonna release it it's a pretty good podcast so then she said well what would what was it did your parents make you feel like you were worth something and I said well my mom did she said what about your dad and I said I don't think my dad really got my personality she went really and I said yeah she goes give me an example when I was in first grade I played for the Yankees I was playing second base and like I was obsessed with baseball bases were loaded I'm sure I've told you the story bases were loaded fly ball was hit to me yes I caught it I ripped my shirt off I spiked the ball I ripped my shirt off and I started dancing yeah all the bases cleared they tagged up they all scored we lost the game but the place went nuts I mean the [ __ ] like both sides were tearing and going crazy my side was like this is the funniest thing I've ever seen and their side just won the game yeah and a my she said what was your dad's reaction and I said I don't remember really I remember my mom thought it was funny I remember getting done in people were like coming up to me and I just I swear to God my feeling was give the people what they want yeah like that's what they wanted yeah and I felt celebrated like people like that was [ __ ] amazing and I was the first grade I was like yeah I know I did that's what I do yeah and so she goes well we should call your dad and I said hey dad do you remember and he goes yes Oh what is your reaction like how did you feel he goes shocked and to think that that was his child mm-hmm like that he looked at this human being that he created and was just like that I luckily I was I was there was a part of me that was like this is gonna sound horrible but like Michael Jordan where I was like inflated ego I thought I was the greatest like I believed all these things about myself I was so from this in in first grade and my dad had to shake that out of me like very aggressively be like you're not you're not great shut the [ __ ] up you're just a regular person I would say things that were so big I remember one time I remember one time saying to him that I had one that I had one the 60 yard dash about her 40-yard dash in first grade then I was the fastest kid in first grade uh-huh and I'm pretty sure I'm the fastest kid in middle and grade school right now and he was like you're not your first grade and I said I don't know coach said that like I I beat Tony price by like a good amount and he was like we go out front I was like what he's gonna quit you erased me I was like well yeah I'll beat you he's like you're not gonna beat me once like I definitely will and he goes let's go out front so I go out front I stretch I get up in the starting box I like like set there to run he's like you call it name it 3 2 1 go and I went 3 2 1 and I remember even giving myself a little bit of a head start go and I take off and I'm sprinting I mean chin to my chest as hard as I can yeah and I hear him laughing and I look up and he's running backwards in front of me and he goes you'll never beat me at anything he did that so much to just shake I had this unwielding confidence in myself which I wish I still had I don't have anymore yeah I remember one time we play tennis and he goes he goes he's like man you're really hitting the ball today like he would set me up to fail he go you're really hitting the ball today I go yeah I'm really Carson he goes we should play for something and I was like yeah and now by the way I'm playing better than I've ever played yeah and he goes he's like what do you want to play for and I was like a puppy I wanted a puppy so bad and he was like so if you win we'll just go right now and just go get a puppy at the pet store and I was like yeah he's like whatever puppy you want I said yeah and he goes all right let's play and he hit like a grown man and beat the [ __ ] out of me and I and I started getting really upset the really frustrate he goes bunny calm down and I said no I was doing good he goes always let you do good he was like I'm not getting a [ __ ] puppy and he just beat the [ __ ] out of me and I'm and I remember getting in the car going why would you make me think he goes well I wanted you to feel good about yourself but you think I was gonna [ __ ] him pick up a puppy I'm not getting a dog and he's like I had to beat you I've been doing something similar wait no with sir Ellis was like he went he was wanting to race so I was like yeah okay so I I let him you know he's four I let him run and then he's like oh I I win I win I was like yeah and then I was like alright this time I'll just you know turn it on so I just like flew past them yeah got to the finish line way ahead of him and then he got there he's like I win and I go no you didn't and he's like yeah I go no cuz I got there first so you didn't win that's not it's not winning and he was like he's like yeah I go no no you have to be first to win and you didn't win so then he was like okay and then he just ran in the other direction like the other end he's like now I want I was like all right so wait so this is really fascinating so when you have boys this is gonna come off very horrible go for it so having little girls I I never wanted to put them in their place mm-hm but having boys I was always putting my place of like you know you're not a man like don't step to me like that like I'm always gonna be better than you because I'm also a man but when you're when you have little girls you're like god you're [ __ ] amazing like you always let them win cuz yeah they're girls I let him win I let him win a lot cuz you got it you got to let them win when they're that young but I mean I just wanted him to understand I've never won again yeah I wanted him to understand it like I just wouldn't understand you have to be first to say you want the other stood racing at all no he just like he just like to be like he's like a second you're second wait what was your dad like was your dad was your dad cuz your dad I I think if your dad a very different way interesting my dad would definitely let you know your little kid you like you know same thing I do like if we're playing a board game or something you know when they're that young you're just like yeah you want I mean yeah just tell them they wanna get so happy that they want but there's a certain age you want until you're in a foxhole UNAM I think my dad kind of was was like really easy on me until he also wasn't like the only he didn't let me quit anything so like if I was like I don't wanna go to this thing where he's like well you're on the team now so you're oh you're definitely there was no quitter yeah you can't quit you know the thing is like with weightlifting so he was like competitive right and he was he won a couple title state titles your dad I sold I was a competitive one weightlifter when got me a set of Lincoln junior weights I remember I was like he was like you're not doing that right it was like a power clean or something and I was like what should I do and his version of coaching was watch me so that he just did it and I was like okay he's like just do that and then I'm like all right I mean it's not really coaching so I would do it again he was like now and then he just like walk away yeah he was like just keep doing it so wait who do you think you would have been if you had been uncut meaning meaning like if you if the pure version of Tom that came out of Peru like the kind of Peru like you know what I mean I watched operation Odessa last night but like the uncut version of Tom had you been left to fester in your own confidence your own ego your own brain without the effect of your father like if if my I would be absolutely unbearable without my dad's you're almost there I'm almost there but imagine if you didn't have my dad going like when I was put in question when I was 26 my dad gave me which I've said over and over I won't go into detail but the most aggressive break off speech you could ever give a young man like a you're a loser you're a piece of [ __ ] I [ __ ] up I didn't raise you right you have no humility you're a party boy good luck I'll see you whenever you need money again and I was like that's not what I'm looking I was like I was but you're gonna wish me a happy birthday he was like a sling off your wrist he didn't even notice my birth I was like it's my birthday and he goes and I and then he was like no if you want to fix this I remember at one point this is like the most poignant thing he's ever said to me he's like if you want to fix this you'll do this to get in the comedy you'll do this tonight and I said well I can't do it tonight I have a party plan he goes you don't deserve a party what are you celebrating you're a loser why would you get a party or a loser by the way I think more men need that in their lives I think you're right like my dad's speech to me was so painful like I mean I remember I remember waking up going is November 3rd I wish I could remember the exact year but November 3rd I was turning 26 the phone rang I was hungover from partying and I and we didn't have blinds in our apartment and I was like I'll just answer it let him say happy birthday real quick go back to bed nice pick it up is like Hello and he's like I just perjured myself in court and I was like what he goes I perjured myself in court the judge said ah how's your son doing and I said good I lied under oath that's how it started and I went okay and he was like I lied and I've never lied in court and I just perjured myself Campbell you're have said he's a loser Your Honor I should have said the truth he's a loser and he's not doing anything he's it was a party boy and I don't know what's gonna happen where were you and you got when you had this car I was on the couch in which city in New York I'd moved to New York to do stand-up I've been written up in Rolling Stone is number one party and I'm on the country I moved to New York and I wasn't doing [ __ ] anything I did job at Barnes & Noble I think I've gotten fired from already I just was living on a couch hanging out at comedy clubs not doing anything and it was all because whatever part of me and I I acknowledge this whatever part of me believed in greatness believed I was great wouldn't allow myself to to take a step backwards and go can you give me an opportunity yeah like I was I was just like all right only losers go like hey man how can I get a job here how can I like I was just it like in comedy clubs not a job I got jobs before but like and my dad was like you're a loser I use there's no humility or it was just the most aggressive I remember when you tell it told me this you told me this in the car on the way to Sacramento like 15 years ago dude it was but and my dad Mike I mean it's just a right I was like what and he told me this he told me on the way back yeah I remember thinking to myself at the moment it hurts so bad I thought I'm gonna do what he says and show him that he's a [ __ ] idiot mmm and I'll bring it and put it on a plate and go you said do this I did this and it didn't [ __ ] work in order to be great you've got to have a big ego and not and you got to believe in yourself all these things that I just you read in a book or you see on a [ __ ] e true Hollywood story and you're like that's who that's how greatness is achieved I went and I did what he did and it worked it worked like in space and to this day I just keep following that path of like and I'm not the most humble person at all but like at all but but in business I like getting into the Comedy Store I was what 40 [ __ ] 3 and to like be like hat in hand be like it's one of the things I want in life and I by the way my ego would coldly get in the way of that like I've been on TV I had specials I was I had money I didn't need to work there but I wanted something I wanted and I just went back to that old thing my dad setup of be humble say what you want and tell them to do anything tell them you're not above anything but that yeah but it's who is my point is God the [ __ ] Burt interruptus my point is who would you have been uncut like your dad put a put a line might your dad cut you with a bunch of [ __ ] to make you out to be a man right yeah I'm having day job II right now yeah like what would you what would you be if you had been left on an island I would be in a loincloth with knee-high moccasins braggy telling you stories about how great I was having never done anything that's who I would have been if my dad hadn't [ __ ] me up early yeah fix me up and [ __ ] me up no man I I tend to think that I always think that if I if I hadn't you know got married and had kids like I have that thoughts I'm like what would I be doing you know and I think I'd be a real [ __ ] mess so I think that without so do you think push had more of an exact like an more of an influence on you no not necessarily no I I mean I think a lot of it comes from parenting for sure like from your parents but I just mean that like your mom to me always seems like a supporter of you like I love I love what Tommy is like your mom seems like a giggling factor the same personality issues oh she's more combative with my dad my dad thinks if I take his [ __ ] it should be in the Hall of Fame Oh for real yeah yeah so is it your mom it's more like she's more combative she's the one yeah yeah it's the opposite he's just like my dad goes uh you know we were on vacation there was a comedian performing at the theatre I'm like yeah who was that he's like I don't know I don't I don't watch any other comedians you're the only comedian I'm like you can enjoy other comedians and he's like I don't want to he's like I feel like it's just loyal to you um dad it's not and I'm like dad you can go watch other comedians he's like I would never want to you're the only comedian I'm like all right so like he's like that like he's was very different my dad's very different my dad my dad's very different how was that how was uh my mom my mom's not like that by the way my mom the other day so we started to watch you know I saw that all three of you had a joke let's throw out all your specials I started to watch I started to watch all then we watched all of them my dad Tom specials [ __ ] hilarious that [ __ ] guy I don't know do you when you guys do your podcast you did he like lead it and I was like huh it's like now that's [ __ ] funny I whatever his [ __ ] thing is I love it man the foot up on the mama thing and it's [ __ ] confident you're like oh cool dad my mom loves Chris I think really my mom he kind of fantasized a little bit it has to everyone has to write she's like my mom said told me a long time ago I remember bringing up daliyah she goes now I'm a fan of his and as before like I thought any like my mom was following Chris D'Elia way before like [ __ ] eight years ago my mom was into Chris D'Elia should get her some headshots you know I should get a [ __ ] sign well it's her first name Gigi yeah but Gigi all my love or something all my love winky face she was you know what it was is Whitney's podcast Whitney oh yeah my mom loved love's Whitney loves Whitney like if I cheated on my LeAnn with Whitney my mom would be like it's you know what's that upward move she had a great show she had a great show me whenever I - oh wait is your mom um supportive the way my dad is about like she's like bird you know you were so great best yeah oh that's my long-haired poet she my mom has always been like my champion my dad's always been like I don't see that you don't see the cracks in this [ __ ] system he's all out he's a mess he's a [ __ ] mess even when I say you like when I'm I'm consistently wrong with my dad but not it's just to teach me how to be raised like to whatever thing you could whatever idea I have he points out that it's wrong like like Deion Sanders right I remember sitting down I just taught to Gabby Reece about this the other day I said I remember sitting down with my dad and Deion Sanders was on the cover of Sports Illustrated straighted with primetime right yeah now I assumed cuz my dad wasn't a fan of me spiking a ball ripping my shirt off and dancing that he wouldn't be a fan of Deion's so I tried to slide in on like an adjacent line and I was like I remember seeing I remember we were outside on our patio my dad was at that glass table and he was looking at it and I said I don't know dad if you ask me it's like just shut up and play the game right and he was like you have no idea what the [ __ ] you're talking and I was like what he goes you're talking about a kid from Miami who was born with nothing and now he has an opportunity to shine and they want to take it away from him and all he knows that he can brand himself and make more money by doing this than half of these kids who look shut the [ __ ] up and I was like okay by the way I love Deon I was only saying that because I thought that's what my dad would want to hear but he is from North Fort Myers I just wanted to point that yeah now my and my dad would be like I watched your special again last night I'm like cool how many times is that now he goes I lost count you know you're just such a commanding voice up there and really just the way you just move from one topic I mean he just like goes on and on like he's talking about [ __ ] paintings I think would be amazing to have your dad do a review on my special that would be hilarious what do you think your dad would say well my shirt comes off you be like I don't get it immediately he would just be like why is it still off like ten minutes later he would like he would like no I think he would like you if he allowed himself to enjoy somebody else that's that's no but that's the same mentality we talked about about like Springsteen instead they're like allowing yourself my dad but my dad likes you as a person my dad I think sees himself in you is more like quiet do the work let the work speak for it self and then go back and live a regular life have a drink having a cigar be no that's a humor about like one time a roommate came to visit my dad came to visit with a roommate and when my roommates was like you know my dad was doing like you know what someone's dad come it's a little more like shake hands and and my my dad goes you know how was it going and my friend my roommate goes well it's been it's been a little taxing I gotta deal with it know this guy I mean oh yeah and my dad was like what and the kid was like he's like oh I just got to put up with his [ __ ] all day you know and my dad goes he's a great kid I was like dad he's joking and he was like what I go III felt so bad for my I was like you did you did nothing wrong the [ __ ] is wrong and then I yelled at him he's like yeah I was like Ted he's you don't get that he's joking around he doesn't have it he doesn't see it with in that regard Nadav type in Bert Kreischer green flash so I did this video I did this video no go to my YouTube where's no keep go to my youtube go to youtube and type Bert Kreischer green flash I don't know why it's pulling up these videos I did this video at our beach house which you've been to and should I have been there yeah remember I remember soul I thankful so much of this it how far is that house from like where your parents live in 20 30 minutes oh it is kind of little place okay it's a little ways what's like the actual city oh my god did I take it off because of Travel Channel I bet I took it off because of Travel Channel no I took it off because of Travel Channel [ __ ] I have this video I had this video that I shot this is back when I was just being my personality being a stand-up and videos were like YouTube you just started a little bit and you know there's a whole theory of if when the Sun hits the horizon there's a green flash okay it's like a big thing in Florida that people say happen so I filmed a sunset and right when the Sun gets to the edge of the horizon starts disappear I cut and I show myself and an American flag fall and it's just me grinding in that kitchen going ah you waiting for a green flash here's your green flash and then I turn around and you see my whole Asti guy go the moon's coming up mmm my dad saw that hmm and he just goes what the [ __ ] is wrong with you he goes wat that's in our [ __ ] beach house you guys why how he goes why do you own a thong and I was like I don't know he was like whoa you own a thong you brought a thong to the beach house you put a thong on by yourself in our beach house he's like please tell me you were drunk I was like I was done sober he was like sober you put this online people are gonna see this the [ __ ] is wrong with you they're gonna see this and go that's the beach house I rented huh and that was my [ __ ] sense of humor and my dad just does not yeah yeah but I don't I don't begrudge him for not getting my sense of humor entirely cuz I bet I could hang out with your dad though a hundred percent you and my dad would get along extremely well I have met him but it's been a long time it was like Easter quick time you hung out with him and also the very first was at the very first podcast very very first cast someone just texted Easter just happened and they said this is very different than the first Easter I've spent with you guys this is one of our buddies we see all the time yeah and I said really neat goes yeah Joey D has slipped your dad marijuana and you did a podcast about it yeah I went wow I remember being like oh my cuz I was thinking of my dad my dad's pretty straight-laced yeah why not when when he gave your dad an edible I was like my dad would [ __ ] lose his mind my kid with us started my dad eating Merrill well your dad became like cool with it now he eats marijuana every night my mom my mom baked pot cookies for my dad the other night really they eat marijuana just about every night but not a ton Gilead looks like you it's like 10 milligrams and he just kind of relaxes he's overdone it he overdid it when we went played Pebble Beach he ate too many marijuana cookies cuz he's like my back's hurting I'm ten I don't have you know another 10 milligrams you're like 30 million for 40 milligrams of marijuana and he was white knuckling it on the cliffs he was like I just I [ __ ] camp and I was like are you [ __ ] kidding me you're playing Pebble Beach it's not cheap it was my treat to him yeah but getting ready to kick off the tour and I was like why don't I fly my dad up we'll play Pebble Beach we'll have Apple play spyglass Pebble Beach played spyglass had a great time I hit an Eagle play Pebble Beach and everything went [ __ ] wrong get to play with another group or no yeah you play with another group and they go do you want caddies by the way I'm not that anyone listen this podcast is ever playing Pebble Beach it's so [ __ ] ridiculously expensive I'm home there might be people no one it's not done make sense really it it does not make sense how much does it costs like I want to I'll just tell you I think you can find out I think it's six grand around what yep Wow per person yep I think by the way it's either six grand per round or six grand for the room but you can't get you can't play Pebble Beach unless you rent a room at Pebble Beach oh and stay there yeah so you have to stay there but you can't stay there for one night you got to stay there for five night you got to rent the room for like [ __ ] three nights I go expensive that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that it is something only old white men do right it is that is who's on that course it is Canadians and old white people and old white people from Canada and Oh white people from Canada and then me and my dad and I didn't fit in I was like the odd man out because I was younger than like he just it just didn't make sense they go do you want a caddy and my dad's like dog we don't need a caddy and we should have gotten a caddy we definitely should've got a caddy because once you don't get a caddy they're almost like go [ __ ] yourself but if you get a caddy and then the other group got a caddy and then he wouldn't speak to us at times he was like he would like whisper what club to use to the other people and you're like oh by the way that guy I can't tell this but again but I ran into I did San Jose and I met one guy and by the way hold on there are two caddies that listen to this at Pebble Beach they came to my show in San Jose there are big fans of the podcast yeah and they're like you know you play Pebble Beach who's the caddy cuz I talked about this once they go who's the caddy and I told them and they're like the Caddy that what that wouldn't talk to you he wouldn't talk to us and he was kind of like he was an okay guy but he was a little bit of a dick like it won't Parv on the fourth hole I was like I think I can reach the green and he was like no you can't and I was like well you got my caddy so shut the [ __ ] up and he's like no one can reach the green I mean I was like [ __ ] I played this on Tiger Woods golf the Greens reachable and he was like you can't reach the green and I was like I think I can and and I I hit one by the way if you when you have a caddie they're like they play by the rules I don't play by the [ __ ] rules I do whatever the [ __ ] I want out there so I hit one it goes into the [ __ ] ocean and I go hit another one look you're taking them all again and I go or I'm just gonna hit until I reach the [ __ ] green to prove you you're [ __ ] wrong I'll hit I'll spend a hundred and eighty dollars worth of balls to hit that [ __ ] green so I hit the next one and I got up in the sand by it and I was like it wasn't on the green uh-huh it was close [ __ ] enough yeah but I told them about this and then they're like oh my god do we have gossip about that guy they're at my other worth the bar after my show and I just [ __ ] they were just telling me stories about this guy now he got fired I was like I got fired oh my god oh my god I wish I could tell I'll tell you I'll tell you this much and by the way I haven't said any name so no one said so no one can not only did he I by the way not this is rumors but I just feel bad because I he got he did something and the head of the company went to go talk to him mmm-hmm to say hey man you can't do that on the course okay hmm it's 2019 you can't be doing that on the course mm-hmm and as they went up to talk to him he was blowing rails of coke off his - and that's how they thought I was gonna find out about this one oh yeah whatever uh how am i I'm not responsible you're not responsible for it it was my birthday and I had two really nice birthday at home with my family had a great time and you surprised me I just wanted to say thank you for putting together this you sent me individual videos and then you made a compilation it was really really sweet thank you for making this thank you for the people [Music] [Laughter] [Music] how long has it been you've had your scrubby I used to work with big [ __ ] but not a conflict that ran that [ __ ] was just amazing the last girl the last girl that oh that by the way that is Dana there were so many group they do this is the short version the everyone's videos I mean there's so many were so funny it well it started as a it was the sweetest thing to have all these adult performers do like genuine happy birthday things actually I got a call him out I said I was gonna call him out and I have all their direct messages to me okay but what was so great about this was I put it I had a I had an idea that I was going to have adult performers sing happy birthday and then cut it together like a gal gadot video yeah and so I put it out that night I put out a tweet saying yeah I saw you said like anybody in a doe and then what would happen when they say I would uh I'll show you exactly I'll go to I'll go to one of the first ones was did you have like a copy and paste message that you would you know I mean or would you explain each one like I would say this to Carol Baskins the one of the first one that reached out was Brooklyn just a gray nope that's not her ciarán Noir she's on there okay and so she hit up and I said I want to do a gal gadot style imagined video but singing happy birthday to my bestie comedian Tom Segura are you interested his birthday is tomorrow that would be awesome I'd love to she says just a video of me singing happy birthday I said awesome thank you just record yourself singing happy birthday to Tom Segura with whatever creative touches you want in landscape mode I'll let it together and we'll definitely be talking about our podcast sharing and tagging I didn't tag anyone I'm sorry it's just too much work I got so many replies I didn't think I thought like I get six people yeah so I could that you only need six to do happy birthday and I got Kirin Noir I'll give them all shout Lisa Ann winner Jade amaura dragon Ryan macLane Natalie the Queen destiny love Alex legend is the one at the end I think Alex Legend played guitar is that the guy that started it yeah he's the first one he goes this is for the Machine yeah after that his real accent or is he putting on an accent for the video I have no idea Google Alex Legend and let's see him [ __ ] I wanted to see it yeah Alice self bookings you can book him by yourself sure no there is that's what you wanted to see nice piece [Music] let's hear him talk though more you unless them is that it that whoa is that him yeah he's a good-looking dude by the way he does a lot more let me give a shout out to Aleph he goes I have a few other skills besides banging girls I also write beats Alex legend we're looking for a collabs run Jeremy Ron Jeremy yeah Jesus here we go I'm gonna keep giving them shouts yeah crafty cause Abigail Mac John Schneider I think John Schneider is not that's not a porn star sorry Abigail Rodgers Ryan kkona Jamie Foster Silva sage lint London River is on there Tabitha Stephens Joanne Angel Carmen Valentine Dana dearmond I know Dana from she used to be good friends with red band yeah she a comedy fan Katie Kennedy Kennedy Kate Kennedy by the way I thought weird isn't it crazy cuz I listened to that whole podcast you did with Kate Kendall yeah I felt actually very weird because she was like should I be naked or something and I was like no oh right cuz I know where it's totally different so weird I would and by the way I didn't tell any of the girls get naked I just said do whatever you want they'd be like is anyone wearing top so I was like it's not I was like I wouldn't mind more of what [ __ ] [ __ ] Adrian chechik did holy [ __ ] Adriana right hey I don't know Marissa only Marissa only fans alluring Ali Kiki Dee otter Adriana chechik ron jeremy Ryan Kelly Matt Jones Matt Jones is know he's from Kentucky rate sports radio is that everybody no Sean bigger staff Lia MV anniversary Lydia Black Dahlia D & Whitney Morgan awesome those are all the porns and Trinity st. Clair and Laura lapkus nice it was an awesome video I Lauren lapkus no no Lauren lapkus as an actress my dad Lauren at lap has a new movie with David Spade coming out um but it was really cool to get all them so I said let out go I sent it out and then I that night it's [ __ ] fascinating to see did no disrespect meant it's fascinating to see the workload of a porn star yeah very similar to a comic so like there are certain comics that are sober don't party just about the work let's make some money and when you put out a thing like that they're like great I'll get a video to you tonight they'll be there in the morning you're like awesome then they're the comics like me they're like drunk and they're high and they're like [ __ ] yeah you want one done and then they wake up at noon the next day and they're like oh [ __ ] for God you still want the video you got those messages oh I got a lot of those and it was funny they're all it but I woke up that morning and I said to Leanne I go I forget the first video but I go oh my god I had this idea last night I want to show you and I showed her the first video and she couldn't stop laughing and I just started watching the videos there were like five of them and I started watching him she goes just send that to Tom and I was like oh no I'm gonna edit them together she goes oh no honey them singing happy birthday is so much funnier yeah than you editing it together so I sent you three and you're like that's awesome and then they just kept coming yeah and they kept coming and I just I gotta be honest with you man I was I didn't know what some of them were gonna do yeah well I thought to I could you sent me the the first view and they were just you know they were nice videos and they were they most of them were doing the like who is this you know like yeah what's his name that first girl with the with the top top I wish I remembered her name I I don't know a lot of their names oh I know her name yeah you're talking about in the in the first one that you sent me yeah yeah yeah keep going up keep going down the that girl's beautiful by the way and it's and he's so funny I thought she was in Florida didn't seem like she's in Florida could be Florida sure yeah what's great talking about she was hilarious she was a radio Anna ain't she did whipped cream and then she goes that's you is that who that is Joey an angel huh yeah I don't know how I know but yeah this one was great this one I was not expecting at all because it looked like baby laughs mad or hot that's what made me laugh you see the video of her gesture ass cheek it's interesting because I thought if I post one online well there's Norman Somerton I can't see that that makes me go back to a porn store they have controller you're talking about the Instagram one is that he talking about no no no no all I know is that the they what was that one oh yeah yeah who's she that's Abigail Mac that's Abigail Mac yeah yeah that one made me laugh cuz she was like I couldn't tell if she was doing a bit or not she was doing a bit and then she's a big fan like oh really she was doing a bit yeah I loved it man it was really fun and they were really cool to play along they were now we need to do that for porn stars so if there's a porn I was by the way I kept saying adult film storks I didn't know the porn stars a slur alright but if there's a porn star out there by the way Ron Jeremy's been cool as [ __ ] he was cool he did a really nice he did like five videos and and and by the way so how cool was it to see Evan Stone yeah my wife goes who's he and I go that's Evan Stone she was like he's a porn star I go oh honey legend I pulled up a [ __ ] video of him [ __ ] like in the early 90s yeah she was like oh my god I go look he's just he's just getting older yeah but he's a good-looking dude and he was and he used to come to our shows do you remember that no we used to do those shows for vivid video me you and I there's a picture of me you Evan stone and Nick Nixon oh my god I remember doing a vivid video I did I did one in Melrose and you did one in Irvine and we Munich dune and Evan Stone are shirtless in a picture yes and in that same day me and you took a picture where we were holding each other's bellies like hands around yeah prom picture dude Evan and I showed my wife Emma Stone [ __ ] and she did not stop she was like oh my god and I go that's Evan Stone yeah he did like two thousand movies or something it's crazy man I got a little starstruck when Evan Stone replied I was like sleeping crazy would it be crazy to have like your Evans now and then somebody doesn't know I'm like what you do like for the last 30 years and you just like just [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of people on camera like lot a lot like how many times I three or four thousand there should be a movie like a movi were likes whatever Evans but it would be cool to see Evan Stone [ __ ] now I'm sure he does like but no but to get himself out of trouble to get himself out of trouble like like like like someone just thinks he's cuz he's getting older or they're like oh he's he's you know like ageism like you know I still put dick down yeah like don't think I can't [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of you woman like I would like to see Evan stone start [ __ ] like go through a sorority house and just [ __ ] a bunch of young chicks and just [ __ ] with the so you can probably direct that movie if you wanted to I'm gonna pay for it too yeah my tour bus driver Ron wants me to do one with um with Christie Mac I told you that yeah and pay for it cool are you gonna do it put that bill and you can [ __ ] Christie Mac and I'll film it and then I'll just own it myself well you could start your own little only fans page you know those only fan pages are legit yeah are you subscribing this I have to subscribe to a few yeah it's brilliant I gotta be done I'll see you and I'll op him about all these yet ladies and men who have men obviously - I say that but I'm gonna forget people jack off - men - but these only fan pages are trustworthy what you do is you put your credit card on em and you then it's almost like an Instagram you put your credit card on and you get credits so say you buy sixty credits then you can a lot ten credits to one porn stars page oh okay credits one so you're not putting your credit card down and then they just charge it every month you buy credits and then those credits go for what you call it and then you can tip out certain performers and go hey who are you who are you I don't want to say because then I would feel like I would be disloyal to some of them why because I don't wanna I don't want people to go wait why don't you do mine [ __ ] you like I feel weird I've always felt like that would put with even with strippers when I just remember like you got a dance I was like I gotta let her down easy I was like I'm okay you're really attract but I'm not getting a dance right now she'd be like I don't really give a [ __ ] [ __ ] face yeah I just put your money yeah I just want your money [ __ ] what's it what's her name I can definitely say me and Ron the way I found only fans was Christy Mack and she had a good one Oh me and Robert of [ __ ] barbecue joint and I was like I always want to go to these only fans do it do it he's like you of money [ __ ] it do it and so we bought a membership to Christy max we bought because he would borrow my phone for periods of time who's trying to think oh my god Lisa Trager told me that she says I didn't interact at uh Adriatic only fans is outstanding I am getting that by the way Adriana Tetrick someone we've talked about her a number of times mmm someone said to me they're like Oh bro if you're looking for a porn star you got a [ __ ] check out Adriana chechik yeah like really and they're like she sucks uber drivers dicks and I was like Lisa told me that it she gave me a play-by-play and she definitely made it sound pretty incredibly ahna mm-hmm I spelt that for ade that's not surprising we gotta actually wrap up now so check thank you guys for listening thank you for watching berkel Adriana touching it is here's her adriana fans only Bert thank you for the birthday gift uh um you don't want to see this with me well I just I'm trying to say goodbye all right hey yeah a happy birthday thank you very much thanks for doing that yeah there's a fun podcast love you love you guys thanks for watching we'll see they say for everybody they say I love you Tommy [Music] Hoppus while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories and Burt's not machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep between ears what the call to bears hug Kade no scripts a beta boos amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call - there's one cave [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 958,030

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: iwkM1GYYllk

Length: 92min 57sec (5577 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 27 2020