Ep. 47 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & LeeAnn Kreischer

leanne caught me picking my nose and eating it one time oh yeah i was like yeah what the [ __ ] are you doing and i was like oh we're past the honeymoon phase how often are you seeing this it's pretty often he goes in phases it comes and goes like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time i'll go [ __ ] bert you're gonna be in a meeting and not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers with like the head of nbc you have to stop doing this this episode of two bears one cave was brought to you by ship station the holidays are right around the corner and this year we know that people will be buying more stuff online than ever before if you're an e-commerce seller are you ready to meet the demands of a record-breaking online shopping season be ready with shipstation when you're selling online getting a massive amount of orders out quickly can be tough how do you get track of who gets what which carrier should you use are you getting the best rates you can get it all resolved at shipstation.com you go to ship station that helps online sellers get orders out quickly save money on shipping costs and keep customers happy no matter where you're selling amazon etsy your own website ship station brings all your orders into one simple interface and right now two bears one cave listeners can try ship station free for 60 days when you use our offer code cave make sure your business is ready to meet the demands of a massive online shopping season get started at shipstation.com today click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave that's shipstation.com enter our offer code cave c-a-v-e ship station dot com make ship happen this episode is also brought to you by saatva s-a-a-t-v-a head on over to saatva.com the [ __ ] that's right the url is saatva.com the [ __ ] you get 225 off your purchase of any mattress they make incredible mattresses i've had them all currently i'm sleeping on the solaire when i slept on it and it sat up for me i called the vp of marketing and i said this thing's a [ __ ] and he said we'll make it the url and i was like all right so you guys let me tell you you can do zero gravity setting uh it can vibrate you to sleep like you're a child you can do anything it's an incredible incredible mattress uh great environmentally friendly products incredible customer service get a saatva get a luxury firm get a lumen leaf memory foam or get the solaire it's my personal and current favorite head to saatva saatva.com the [ __ ] look it doesn't matter where they're born they're just people okay hey guys welcome to another episode of two bears one cave i'm really excited to actually get to speak this episode because my usual co-host is gone and i have the most lovely replacement his beautiful wife leanne the wife of the party for the party everyone's had listen there's a there's a whole there's like a better morale here um without bert yeah of course you know as i've always said he casts a wide wake yep you're so right you're so right but we should point out something the two of us i would say the two of us really on different levels obviously love him and understand him to a degree that many people don't because i do adore bert i love him same here yeah and i think sometimes it makes him feel bad because we're i'm always talking about the negative yeah because there's so much of it yeah but it doesn't mean there's not almost an equal amount of positive almost almost yes so yeah he's a great person he is he's a sweet guy and like i said like there's a certain you know with a bunch of people there's certain people where you go you know some like certain people really click with other people right and sometimes sometimes you meet those people like a certain person you'll be like man something just doesn't work for me here and you realize that somebody else really understands them you know i feel like we have a similar thing obviously it's your spouse but it's you know one of my best friends and and i feel i feel a deep connection with with him it's mutual he loves you two pieces yeah i mean every piece and part of you and push but yeah you know it's it's different when you have a friend you know bird's friends with a lot of women yeah he just i guess grew up with two sisters sure he's very chick-friendly in that way even though a lot of his rhetoric doesn't sound like it sure it sure doesn't it doesn't but at his core yes i mean you know how many emails i get from two bear one cave episodes that it's like why do you let him talk about banging all these hot chicks possibilities on the road and i'm like seriously first of all can you imagine trying to stop that uh hey that conversation terrified of disease yeah so all of it is just complete [ __ ] yeah so i don't care yeah uh he ain't going nowhere no could you imagine what he would do without me well we're gonna get into that you would you would i would say to you you're welcome because he'd probably move to your house yeah yeah what would you do i mean what do you think he would do without you well you know when i had that fall recently yeah i had this fall and i ended up in the hospital will you tell people what happened though yeah i um i got up i was walking to let the cat out really innocently i mean i was fully awake i i thought and i got almost to the door and i just thought to myself wow my my head is moving faster than my feet and then i hit the floor like i hit the floor with my face and so and i'm so dumb because i hit the floor i didn't want to wake my kids up burt was obviously out of town and uh i cleaned myself up i knew my my chin needed stitches because it i couldn't get it really to stop bleeding it was kind of open so i just like banded it back together i was like 9am meeting with a contractor gotta go put my mask on did my meeting with the contractor 10 a.m i got i got a workout with my trainer worked out at 10 am and my friend sandy who works out met with me was like what's going on something's wrong and i was like yeah i fell bust my mouth open and i kind of passed out while i was walking and she was like hold on you need to go to the hospital i was like no no i didn't realize you did all this before you went to the hospital oh yeah oh yeah i fell at six and i left for the hospital at one because i was like i had to take the dog to the vet i put my chin back together it's gonna be okay i just gotta get from a to b and i had been on this kind of i gotta get from a to b yes train for many many months so i think what really happened is you know when you go go go and then you go on vacation you get really sick because you finally slowed down you slowed down yeah i think that's what happened that we had been go go going for so long so much stuff going on yes and you know i have a whole big platter of stuff that bert doesn't even know exists and then i deal with the platter of bert so i have a big platter there's lots of platters it's a lot of juggling so i think once bert went back on the road kids went back what kind of relief do you feel when he goes on the road you know what stresses me out the most about bert when he's home is that he is really messy and so i spend my day kicking size 13 shoes to the side just to walk through my house all day long and the dishes never stop and especially in in covid he was like no cleaning person as as much as i didn't enjoy my cleaning person in the first place i haven't had one since march so because he doesn't want you in the house right so it just made it just that stresses me out just the extreme it was so bad that my cleaning lady would show up and go bert's not home this week you should just tell it's comp from the front door like you can open the front door and go okay he's out of town wow it's that different that's the one thing that really when he leaves i'll spend like half a day getting my [ __ ] in order and then i'm like and then you have that peace or that cleanliness for the time that he's gone yes yeah except for now you just had a birthday i did yeah um bert made mention of it clip number one oh yeah yeah um and see what this looks like here is he calling me an old hag get like an old [ __ ] like i got she's got no divorce she'll she knows her place she's 50. she does what she needs to do i just told her i said you know what you just ride along yeah okay so i'm in the hospital right getting myself checked out yeah he's calling my friend sandy and he's going what am i gonna do without her what am i gonna do without her i mean what if she dies sandy what if she has a brain tumor sandy that's it me and my kids are moving into your house you have two bedrooms extra i'm moving into your house you got me i'm yours i mean like and sandy was like first of all no no second of all she's gonna be fine this is fine he wasn't doing that with me he was staying very calm with you but with sandy he was coming like crying he was coming totally undone wow and sandy was like just so you know nothing can ever happen to you because he's not living with me well i do think he would fall apart completely yeah you really hold it together for him i i i agree with you yeah oh god what now the old [ __ ] holds it all together the old [ __ ] i'm wondering if you ever really keep track because when he's on the road we discussed this on the phone recently about how it can really fall off the rails on the road for him yeah like what do you like here's a i think this recaps a daily intake of him for him of food oh i think so so i made yeah burritos and then went back in bed and went on my phone and scrolled leanne came home and was like what are you having for lunch and i was like i haven't eaten yet so we had chinese food for so i had a i had um mushu pork burrito and then and then i think i didn't eat again until dinner what was dinner pizza a homemade pizza and what kind of pizza is that one was with onions and mushrooms one was with pepperoni one was with bacon and one was with cheese what do you mean how many pizzas and i ate one of everything and french fries and french fries some beers and beers and beers beers for sam adams beers a glass of but he didn't need anything in between right bottled wine and another glass of buffalo trays so four three beers two buffalo traces and a bottle of wine two buffalo traces and a bottle of wine and then what about kool-aid yesterday did you get any kool-aid oh okay probably two of these a gallon of kool-aid yeah in the in the sauna is it bad that i know exactly the day he's talking about no i know exactly i knew you would i know exactly the day he's talking about that's so much it's every day dude every [ __ ] day actually you know hearing the the intake actually makes me go well he's really actually holding it together much better like i realized if he lived like a semi health conscious from an intake standpoint he would look amazing he'd be 200 pounds yeah he would i know he always this is his cycle i'm gonna do it right today i'm eating lean protein and vegetables all day that's what i'm doing skips breakfast by lunch he's ridiculously hungry he'll scramble like five eggs and eat five eggs and like spinach four o'clock wheels come off pizza pizza pizza pizza and then at the end of the night he'll go i just don't understand why i can't lose weight and i'll go pizza pizza pizza pizza yeah it's not rocket science right why don't you start your day because you did drop squad breakfast i do drop squat baby i know i know he told me about it i love it drop squad you lost weight right how much weight did you lose 22 pounds 22 pounds and that's you're working out and obviously i'm you're eating healthy right but really the eating healthy this is what my trainer said and i think it's proof in me that it worked he said my i had dieted so improperly that my metabolism had just about pretty much gave up right so he was like what you have to do is eat very strictly for a period of time and work out like i'm telling you to and it will recalibrate your metabolism and i think it worked because i did what he said and all he had me eat was lean protein and green vegetables they didn't have to be leafy just dark green vegetables and apples and strawberries and almonds how could he do this how could he do oh well he could you think he could wood is the problem would he do this would he do it no just because it's isn't it like the impulse thing with him he's like [ __ ] [ __ ] it [ __ ] it like just let's just do it that applies to everything to alcohol to food to sex to being on the road and not being able to get off the road it's all about impulse control and self-regulation problems all of it but is it a uh being present thing you know what do you mean well like okay in clip number five here um he talks about being you know i'll show you what i mean like maybe there's some tie-in to what we're talking about okay do you ever have sex and like read their rhythms and then go like okay all right like let's go at this pace this is what yeah i'm hearing you i'm listening to you like oh you're yeah that was a heavy breath you're being present yeah being president i was never present i was never present yeah ever ever i was just like sexist sex i'll do my part you do your part and then see if it hits yeah and when we were younger it hit a lot at the same time but then there was this period after she had kids where it just was like get get it over you do you and then let's get it over with and go to target you know yeah and i think that's where it was and the other day i was like oh i just started reading your body and i was i said this to her yesterday actually tom yesterday i said you know so funny i'm just trying to read your body really good and she's turning 50. so like part of me is like i can't have the time to put in with another woman feels good right that was my 50th birthday present [Laughter] he's not leaving oh he's not going anywhere no i'm not concerned with that at all but he might he considered leaving if he were to get um hair transplants he said he did he swore he said that uh it might change his whole game really yeah he's so he's so stupid that guy is really his hair looks [ __ ] awesome are you gonna go do it i was thinking dude you should do it i was thinking about that and getting another wife i was like i could really he does talk about that a lot quite a bit yeah that's why people email me you're like why do you put up with that [ __ ] some cause like he talked about it so much that now sometimes i'll lead with it you know like how about that new wife yeah yeah they'll be like yeah yeah how long has he been doing because i swear okay when we used to i used to do gigs with bert we would drive well everywhere but especially out in the brea area you know and he used to uh we would drive and he'd go i'm like you all right and he was like what i go you can keep clearing your throat like every [ __ ] 30 seconds he's like really i'm like yeah and then he said he went to a doctor and told him and they were like yeah you have like acid reflux or some [ __ ] i don't know what it was and he goes yeah it was because you pointed out that i was doing this noise now he has new noises that have started i mean he didn't make this noise 10 years ago especially like this horse-calling noise he does it all the time like oh yeah yeah i'm like what's with the horse noise where'd he get that from it's called lazy he's not using his he's not using his words he's lazy yeah same thing he does on stage when he starts cursing too much and then he asks me to go to a show and i go you're being [ __ ] lazy use your words and what does he say to that i hate it when you say that yeah because you're always right okay fine and then you'll have to put words where he says [ __ ] yeah yeah you're like see it's much better wow so you give him like that type of note yeah and he listens yeah he does listen yeah he does listen to me quite a bit as much as he gives people the impression that he doesn't yeah i believe that he does he values your opinion a lot he does and i value his he's really smart guy that's the other thing i wanted to talk about today yeah he's not as stupid as a lot of people think he is you know in high school in high school he was a cd student but he tested in the top 20 percent nationally really nationally that's pretty big yeah he's a real smart guy and not just like that kind of smart he's he's really smart about his business he's actually a really smart parent his execution on parenting could use a little work wait tell us about this you know he's very agenda-driven parent and he's he's one of those that talks to our kids like this i need to have a conversation with you and i'll look at him and go the patriarchy is talking everybody listen up and he gets so mad stop calling me the patriarchy i'm not the patriarchy but i do make all the money so here's what i'm gonna say and i'm like that's the patriarchy [Laughter] guess who made all the money about 15 years ago when you it was me yeah we weren't living in a matriarchy yeah yeah so yeah his parenting is very i am lord you will listen and how do they respond to that uh they completely ignore it and that makes him really angry he does yes because then he's you know he's the king who's trying to get the subjects to comply and the subjects are going not if you treat me like that and then he goes but then but i'm talking right and you have like smart opinionated yeah girls who probably push back on a lot of it right yeah yeah they do especially georgia oh i so want this to be a reality show you know i came up with this great show idea for georgia and she won't do it it's called nothing's burning where she cooks things and doesn't burn anything and does it perfectly [Laughter] she won't do it why not i don't know i was like you could cook like you could get like microwavable mac and cheese and like jazz it up do they blend heads a lot he and her oh yeah really yeah about everything no not about everything but she just won't let him be the patriarchy with her she won't let him she'll be like you're talking to me in a way that i'm not gonna respond and he's like what who talks to their father that way and she's like well if you talk to me in a way that i can respond then okay i'm so not looking forward to this [ __ ] because like we have we're in such different places with children yes i was watching some of your i think it was your podcast or yeah where you had both girls on and there was this clip where um you know just listening to them talk about when people know who their father is and and how it affects i was like god damn it this is like heavy stuff i mean i but it's different for you because your kids will you will have always been famous my kids were not burp was had no notoriety until they were quite old right so we went from this place where you know george's dad is a comedian a comedian you know people in the neighborhood are like unless you're chris rock they don't know who you are right so he really was just the dad that does some art yeah he does an artsy thing and then he became someone that was recognizable so they had this kind of transition yeah that's really interesting so but your kids won't have that so they've always been in that kind of maybe it'll be a different transition maybe maybe it'll be like hey wasn't your dad like a comedian or something no that's not true it was before we all had to wear masks everywhere right right before touring stopped entirely oh my god um yeah but that's still like a very like you know i mean i watch that and you i mean you connect i think with their emotion on that one she's like you know i just don't want like when once they're hanging out like she's hanging out with people and once somebody goes like oh that's uh you're you're bert's kid right and then she's like [ __ ] yeah like it changes the whole dynamic of the hangout with somebody it does and i think for isla it automatically makes her go um you only know me as who my dad says i am right you already think you know who i am so it doesn't give her the opportunity for someone to really just learn who she is i think actually i was such a deep kid that i think that is how she interprets it i think it makes georgia uncomfortable in a different way where she goes to like oh you're just being shallow but it affects isla in a much deeper way yeah it's really interesting it affects island a deeper it does it affects her in a deeper way it shuts her down whereas for georgia it doesn't shut her down and is there any way it's just can the only thing change from that just your perspective on it or like because they can't really you can't really avoid it it sounds like right can't really avoid it i keep i guess a perspective is the only thing that can change i keep trying to parent it and talk to her about it and say you know even if your dad's not famous most people only end up having two or three really good friends and those friends will be your friends no matter who your parents are that's very true so if you remove that one thing you're just like everybody else you're just making one or two really good friends which is actually the best way i mean i look back on life and it's like i had one or like two people in pretty much every city that i lived in and even now when i look back on college i'm still friends like good friends with like two three people exactly high school like two people yeah that's it this episode is brought to you by hymns look how bold i am i wish i had discovered hymns ten years ago when it was on my way to being bald and not huge gaping holes on my head that are you know they're not attractive doesn't look good you don't have to look like me you can um you can be one of the guys that did something about it not like 66 percent of men who start to lose their hair by age 35 check yeah once you started notice your thinning it can be too late and it is so go to four hymns dot com the one stop shop for hair loss skin care and sexual wellness for men it's time to to write a new chapter one in which you have hair no snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements prescription solutions backed by science no awkward in-person doctor's visits or long pharmacy lines just consult online and if you are found to be accepted and approved you can have discreet confidential things sent right to your door today hims is giving you their best offer yet if you're not happy with your results after 90 days hymns will give you a full refund and right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free go to for hymns dot com slash bears that's for hymns dot com slash bears full refund of price paid available for first 90 day supply refund request must be between 90 and 180 days after product shipment delivered prescription products required online consultation with a medical professional who will determine if prescription is appropriate restriction supplies see website for full details and important safety information remember that's for hims.com bears did you know that policy genius saves on average their home and auto customers one thousand one hundred and twenty seven dollars a year by shopping top rated insurers in one place if you think that is a weirdly specific amount you are correct but they crunch the numbers and that's just what it is policy genius does what they do best their insurance marketplace makes it easy to compare rates from the top home and auto insurance companies to find you the best price and here's how it works you go to policygenius.com you answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property and after that they do all the work that is by far the best part of any service you can get anywhere somebody else is going to take care of all the heavy lifting they'll get you switched over they know what they're doing so if you're a homeowner head to policygenius.com right now to get started they save their home and auto insurance customers an average of 1 hundred and twenty seven dollars a year who knows what weirdly specific amount of money they could save you you know something bert and i talk about a lot you and i are very similar in in a lot of ways and he and push are very similar in a in a lot of ways yeah and sometimes i'll do something he'll go god tom just did the same thing i just don't know why you guys think like that and i'm like because we're practical pragmatic thinkers dude and loose cannon mcgee over here yeah needs a practical pragmatic thinker in his life or he would be off in the stratosphere we're the reasonable ones in our homes yeah yeah big team so now what is the grossest thing that you because there's a lot of gross [ __ ] some of which i learned even as much like as recently as like a month ago like through something what did you learn a month ago well there's a few things okay that he they wipes his ass and smells it what we've and i got to tell you that on the phone and i believe that was when you learned about it yeah that was when i learned about it did you actually i want to know what else you learned that i don't know about oh that's coming up okay because i'd learn stuff like when when people don't know you guys were like i when i first started working clubs like when i met bert bert was a legit feature act for people that are fans of comedy you know that's kind of an industry term for the middle act because typically we would work clubs in a three-man show format mc like the host of the show features the middle and the headliner right burke was a legit middle act and i was a legit emcee like we were both at that place in our career so we got to i got to see the transition happen meaning also that we were like making no [ __ ] money no no money and uh i would we would go over to your guy's house a lot and eat i mean i remember isla being i remember i remember being a newborn but i remember going to your house and her being like two yeah and [ __ ] on the roof and naked yeah yeah just always naked and and we would do dinner and bert would always cook dinner yeah he's amazing elaborate cook and i mean you just he's chopping and dicing things up and like just i mean really doing elaborate meals yeah he's an excellent cook he's a great cook and um and spending that time there and then like you know getting to know him right because like i'm i'm getting to know him getting to know your family at the same time and then i don't know just one time like you know i'm we're dudes so there's like dude [ __ ] right burping and farting and then when i hear this thing about like clipping nails oh yeah right i'm like and then you're like he's like uh clips his nails and he tapes him under the coffee table and i was like wait what and then i asked him i was like do you really do that he's like yeah i'm like wait wait wait what do you mean yeah like like this even remotely normal like no i've never even heard of something like that like why would you do that he's like i don't know like we're mostly gonna put him i'm like what do you mean in the garbage yeah what what fascinates me about his brain is it takes i don't know why his brain thinks you know walking to the desk getting a piece of scotch tape picking up the nails and taping it under is more time efficient than just putting him in the [ __ ] garbage but it has to be there right he can't not do that no he he's gotten better now the patriarchy demands that someone cut his nails for him what but no one will oh and so he just lays in the recliner and complains so i don't know if some of his road guys cut his toenails but none of the women in his house do he literally asks you guys come on a hundred percent you cut the girl's toenails why don't you cut mine she's four because she can't cut her own but you can but he doesn't want to bend over and it's so uncomfortable and so i have this one nail i need some help and i'm like i'm not doing it dude go get a pedicure wow this is amazing but that's not gross but that's not correct it's just a patriarchy that's true do you want to hear about do you want to hear about the first time he did the self wiping the bare hand detection sure okay let's pull up the i'm afraid the first the first wipe the hand wipe i think it's yeah here we go out of nowhere you dropped that you've been wiping your ass bare-handed with your finger yeah how did that start well it started with the fact that i've been washing my hands a lot lately you have been yeah and so like because of on that tour i watched my hands non-stop sanitized non-stop my hands have never been so clean i'm with you there normally i'm not a hand washer at all like i've never really been a hand washer at all yeah ever since coronavirus i'm washing my hands a lot okay i'm a little more cool doing dirty [ __ ] with my hands so i just turn on the sink and i grab the thing and i go down and it's not that dirty and i just give a little scrub like i'm like like i'm like i'm trying to get into a girl's [ __ ] if you remember that move where you're like i'm just playing yeah just playing you're toying with the outside a little bit yeah i'm just i'm just surveying the property right and then and then i kind of wipe and i look at my finger and there's nothing right nothing there's nothing so then guess what i did next i hope you watched that hand no not immediately what'd you do sniff it you smelled it i smelled it i smelled it how did it smell it smelled like an [ __ ] oh turn this thing on and then realize i have to wash my hand by itself yeah so i go oh is there soap or just what's up there's soap by the way now i'm hurting my back reaching for the soap okay so i i don't even i don't even really soap up i just go back in scrub again then grab water splash water scrub it's almost like a help of a bidet like if a bidet had a fingerprint i think if a bidet had like a finger attachment it would really [ __ ] help out so i clean i then drip dry sit there for a second i wrap up go in wash both hands aggressively and then i just kind of sit there with it like walk around i'm like i feel good so then i i [ __ ] again so i go and the second i go down i feel what could only be called oh god the top of a frappuccino like the whipping of a frappuccino down there and i'm like oh that's disgusting yeah that's so gross that's so gross right like i'm pretty gross i think i'm actually pretty gross but he so trumps me that i feel like a like a [ __ ] nun when i'm talking to him sometimes yeah i mean like yeah i'll be like oh i'm not even in this category okay so in order for me to be able to live with him yeah going forward yeah here's what i think happens in his brain yeah i think he is curious like the age of your children curious right yeah yeah yeah yes he has this childlike curiosity everywhere on my wedding day one of my closest friends who had never met him before came up to me and said he's awesome he's really amazing but can i give you one piece of advice i said yes she's he said he will always be a child so if you can just know that he's always going to be a child you'll be fine you'll be really happily married yeah right because you could easily be because that's why it's all about perspective right yeah you could easily be the person who's like hey dude you got to knock all this [ __ ] off yeah yeah and then what would happen was that you would be frustrated and probably angry yeah and then he would feel like somebody's attacking him and go into his shell and feel horrible like so it's got to be the perspective yeah it's the perspective so when i see that how did your friend know this just right away put it together he was a he's a healer and a reiki master okay so he had a lot of that intuition yeah he really is one of those people that just looks at you and like i walked in the room with him the first time i ever saw him he goes ooh you have some issues with your mom and i went who are you and where do i sign up yeah yes he's one of those people so yeah some people don't realize too like there's a childlike thing bird is also like as a comedian of you know i've spent a lot of time with a lot of comedians he's kind of like the most desirable type of comedian to be around which is a comedian that really does live to have fun and make you laugh and make moments funny so it's like whether you're just going to lunch like when you sit down he'll be like hey should i you know he'll just immediately think of something to do that's funny in the moment even if it's just for you guys it is just for you guys you know it's just like it's a funny but it's kind of childlike in a way right it's like you know it's play it's play yeah a lot of people are more serious you know um even comedians you can hang out comedians that you'll never know they're comedian yeah but like with bert you'll know yeah you won't be like oh really you're a comedian like it's obvious you know yeah so part of that piece that i choose to resonate with but not the part where i go that's the most disgusting oh my god bro whatever i don't relate i don't that's not what it i mean it does that for me a little bit but really my takeaway is oh he's this is the curiosity i see every day he is really curious about really odd stuff even his [ __ ] even his [ __ ] and even what happens if i tape my toenails and put it under here what's that mean what happens now or clip number 10. maybe number 10 is i think oh jesus i got to start watching your show leanne caught me picking my nose and eating it one time oh yeah i was like yeah what the [ __ ] are you doing and i was like oh we're past the honeymoon phase oh yeah yeah it was like it was it wasn't like disgusting you do that regularly it is disgusting actually you eat your butt not all the time but i do a lot more than i think you would be comfortable with in bed next to me yeah i really almost threw up there yeah it was pretty bad for some reason you know there's certain certain triggers for like nausea or whatever i've like i've seen someone like i mean i've seen a lot of gross but i've seen someone either booger and i've just been like i almost throw up yeah i almost throw up at it how often are you seeing this it's pretty often he goes in phases it comes and goes like he'll get into a phase where he's doing it all the time i'll go [ __ ] bert you're gonna be in a meeting and not realize you're picking your nose and eating boogers with like the head of nbc you have to stop doing this and then he'll stop for a while and i think he goes out on the road oh it's just the eating it part it's disgusting yeah i mean picking everyone picks everybody picks everybody that's natural but but he thinks well what are you gonna do with it you [ __ ] flick it or something man i don't know and he's like that's gross i just take care of it and then i might get sick i might get sick it's you know sometimes i scratch my own head at what i accept from this guy but there's clearly a lot of positive because i'm a pretty great girl you know i got my [ __ ] together for the most part but yeah i don't enjoy that part of his personality but again i chalk it up to that child-like human being children pick their nose and eat their boogers and i feel like the only way to like when he goes like well what am i supposed to do with it you literally got to get like kleenex put it on the nightstand next time it wouldn't maybe a trash can just put it right there it wouldn't matter why would it not work there because he just i don't want to go there i don't want to grab that tissue he's a really complicated guy he has two sides to him he's an extreme rule follower in that he never drinks and drives yeah that's true he never does that he never breaks a law he is always on time for any kind of job if if there's some problem he lets people know with i'm going to be on time and then the other side of him is he never returns an email right he he he is non-compliant so he's like super compliant and completely non-compliant i'll spend like three days in a row spending whatever four hours a day with him yeah the fourth day you know you're just like meeting like you're hanging out intensely yeah the fourth day i'll uh be like hey so when do you want to do that thing crickets and then i'll be like all right you know whatever next day hey man so are we doing it friday nothing yeah and then like the third day i'm like hey and then i'll call him it'll go to voicemail which is full mm-hmm and he's out of the country yeah and so then i finally uh uh i'll finally just text you yeah i'm like and you're like yeah welcome can you tell them to [ __ ] answer me yeah welcome to my world so that is your world i guess oh yeah manager texted me uh business manager agent both four agents um will be like hey i'm trying to get this answer from bert i'm on every single business text and email let's get let's let's call them right now for that reason and i have to tell you something it is part of the reason that i've collapsed and busted my face because i'm running our whole household and then i have to go hey dude have you read that email about that thing that's kind of important do you think he'll answer right now when i call him i don't know he he has a really busy day today okay well let's just see he may be in meetings if he if he answers you talk okay what do you want me to say just be like yeah we'll go we'll go with the murph all right we'll figure out let's see if he answers i'm too honest he may be in a meeting he has a really busy day today yeah so if he doesn't answer i'm not surprised he always answers my call yeah yeah i remember whatever when that uh voicemail was put on so travel channel it was 100 years ago yeah and i remember him coming back from a trip and being like hey why don't you change that now no no i've asked him to change it his kids have asked him is not happening he's like no i like it no i'm the only person he responds to his parents text me his sisters everybody everybody because he does that to everybody so and what is that you think it's just like not wanting to deal with stuff i think um yeah i think he has a really low threshold for um almost everything my mom has this thing where like if you're hanging and this is by the way it's not her being older this is when i was a kid like if you go you know we used to have house phones obviously right so phone would ring at home like hello oh what's that for my mom and she would go she didn't even know who it is she'd be like and if you were like yeah one second she would be she'll be so upset and if you go you know uh it's leanne's birthday she'll be like okay you know i'll be like why don't you like your guys are friends yeah she'll be like i don't know what to say so no like so what happens is you have to contact her uh-huh yeah you have to show her that you're interested you have to to reach out to her you have to text you have to right you go to you pick up her phone and it'll be like 58 000 emails yeah he's the same yeah and they're unread yeah he's in the mailbox exactly 200 voicemails unplayed yeah same text messages 600 i'm like mom what's going on i can't i couldn't live like that and she's like i just you know like basically it's an avoidance thing it's anxiety producing for some reason there you go that's what it is it produces anxiety it does it does i mean bird has anxiety disorders all over him so for whatever reason he has to be he has to look at that stuff in a safe place right and i don't know why it's unsafe sometimes but it is i don't know i don't know he gets he has i think he has a little bit of social anxiety as much as that seems unrealistic because he he like lays his whole life out in front of the world yeah but that's very different than having an intimate uh relationship with somebody definitely that's two totally different things it can be overwhelming to field calls and all that stuff you know i mean everyone's felt like there's a lot to do yeah but yeah i mean i feel like for people that have anxiety it probably really ramps it up it shuts him down really to have to do all those yes he'll shut him down like to the point where he'll have to go take a nap and i'm like dude it's four phone calls i mean in 15 minutes and you see this thing where like she has a like a cut off like so in other words i might go home today and then you know more emails more calls this idea this thing and then it's like a call comes in hey can you look over this document and get back to us well if it's 6 30 i'll be like hey we should look she'll be like look it's evening now can we do this in the morning right and i'll be like i just want to do it now because it came in and i can do it now right she's like i don't she doesn't work at like that right she's like it's too late yeah he's like that too it's like we we got to do it tomorrow i'm like why are we doing it tomorrow like it's it's here now he's very much like that too we were doing it when he was doing his last special for whatever reason edits would come in late at night and they need a really quick turnaround and he'd go i just can't do it i can't do it i gotta do it later i'd end up watching the edit and saying uh here's the problems i think you're gonna have with it and take a look at these minutes you know markers and he would look at them when he was ready but i was like they need to know someone's looked at it i mean they're asking for this [ __ ] yeah just be like oh whatever whatever whatever that's too anxiety producing for me like talk about the two different personalities that's so true if someone sends me an email can you take a look at this at 6 30 i'm like [ __ ] yeah let's get it off my plate exactly i'm the same way off my plate now the flip of this is that christina loves to do [ __ ] in like as soon as she wakes up so like in the morning she's like all system like likes to work like right after waking up right and i'm like a slow riser oh so then she'll be like can we do this now i'm like can i sit up like i'm like still asleep so i like to get like you know moving a little bit before i tackle something in the morning right right right but no she's she's on it on it that's awesome yeah yeah yeah i've got something else to show you you do i'm so surprised um did we play number four we did okay hold on got some stuff for you here um oh yeah i heard you do one of his tells first of all do you know that he mispronounces all these words uh like nightmare yeah uh-huh why does he do that uh because he's weird okay i have no idea you know how many times i've said is is spelled m-a-r-e mayor and he's like it's mirror it's mirrors nightmares he's been doing this beneflect oh it's been a fleck forever yeah i'm like it's affleck he's like no you're thinking of the insurance company no no i'm not i don't understand why he does that okay it's a quirk um but he really leaned into a hundred percent what a hundred percent a hundred percent a hundred percent a hundred yeah that happens a lot a lot it's a hundred percent yeah i mean it became like hyperbole hyperbole yeah yeah everything is [Music] it's like every show like 10 times a hundred percent yeah va does speaking hyperbole a hundred percent he sleeps in purple he's a hundred percent hyperbole you should parent with that is not super fun no no um oh wait oh yeah we did okay so another disgusting thing oh god this one's quick okay but it's clip three and it kind of shows you like you know just something maybe you've missed before that's gross you know what i mean i'll see if i've missed it or if i just choose to ignore it i just realized this is a catch rag i have in my pocket the catch rag yeah what's the catch rag here feel these little hard spots all over it oh it's an old monkey pretty gross yeah that's pretty gross i did not know oh that no no i did not know i thought it was boogers no it's jizz fancy that's disgusting but i guess if he's using it on himself who cares yeah it's weird to bring it bring it out i think well here yeah yeah i guess so yeah good point uh good point excellent point so okay all right we're gonna end on that thing [Laughter] you know i've been paying attention to what i've been eating a lot more lately and really trying to avoid things that will make my diarrhea really you know explode but i gotta tell you once i sit down and i make brown i still want high pressure hoses to clean my hole and tushy really does that for me with tushy you get you get just an amazing experience of all the chocolate being washed off between your cheeks and you you use 80 percent less toilet paper think about that that really is environmentally friendly it's free shipping get rid of your toilet paper or just keep a little bit of it and treat your butt right with a tushy you get your hole nice and clean you don't have to smush kaka all over yourself it's amazing and it starts at just 79 dollars so go to hellotushy.com bears and get 10 off your order that's hellotushy.com bears get 10 off your order and keep your hole clean how great is it that football is back man i love it week one's over but there's no better place to get in on all the action than draftkings the leader in one day fantasy sports to add to this week's excitement draftkings has millions of dollars in total prizes up for grabs if you haven't tried draftkings yet head to the app store now because you don't want to miss this draft your lineup now and feel the sweat like never before every run pass and catch means more with draftkings it's simple just pick your lineup stay under the salary cap and see how your team stacks up against the competition they've paid out billions in prizes since 2012. download the draftkings app now and use code bears for a limited time new users can get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes this week don't miss out on the week 2 action enter code bears to get a free shot at millions of dollars in prizes with your first deposit that's code bears only at draftkings make it rain minimum 5 deposit required eligibility restrictions apply see draftkings.com for details so we were talking about parenting before yeah so tell me tell the audience tell all of us what what type of dad is he beside from the patriarchy like he is a sweet guy yes he's very sweet he um you know he because we he and i are very different people from very different backgrounds yes he and i is nothing we connect on i think mm-hmm uh similar a similar upbringing you have like uh older old-school white guy dads with like good jobs yeah um we both have two sisters yep uh we both have catholic upbringings both from florida both from yeah both from florida um but like the it's a thing where like when you're from a certain type of family you definitely identify with somebody like completely yeah and push and i are similar yeah very similar background that's true of uh brokenness and yep [ __ ] so um what was the question again i thought i was like we're talking about what kind of parent like okay so he is he sees things in the kids i don't see so that's great to have in a partner because you know you only have your own perspective and your own point of view so especially lately now that we have teenagers i find that he's bringing things to my attention that i'm completely missing really and perhaps it's because he's was home so much in covid and before it was like me or nothing pretty much um but i've really appreciated him as a parent that's again one side of the coin the other side of the coin is i don't know how much he cares that's not true his first agenda i feel sometimes is that um he is heard and understood and complied with instead of hey this kid is is actually a kid and learning something so for instance last night we found out that another family groups uh another family of ours son had done something really crazy which i can't talk about but it doesn't really crazy and that georgia knew about it that he confided in her about it and bert was on the phone he was like i'm going to call her and i'm going to tell her the next time something like this happens she needs to say this and she needs to say this and she needs to say this i said why don't you call her that sounds so like uh like punitive without even finding out maybe she already said all those things right so why don't you call her and go hey i heard you knew about this well what did you do when he told you yeah and he was like that's [ __ ] i'm the parent i'm the one that calls and says how this needs to go down and i went i think for a 16 year old that's not really going to be received very well yeah so he luckily wasn't home because when he's home he'll just march in there and and then georgia will go ah i don't know what the [ __ ] he just said because it was not okay so this time that's what she does really come out to me and go what's up with him and i'll have to decide after he like rants and raves yeah and then i'll decipher what just happened she'll go oh no problem but i'm not gonna do it when he presents it like that so and you know some of it is just like a child who he doesn't think about how his presentation is received he just needs the presentation to happen how he needs it to happen so that he feels validated somehow so i mean this happens in our relationship too where i have to listen to him have this hullabaloo and at the end of it i'll go let me see if i understand what you're saying is it blah blah blah and i'll go yeah and i'll go got it so i'm just going to ignore all this hollywood because it's just you so that's your skills needing to be upset you can see through all the noise to get right yeah yeah so this is what you're trying to tell me got it and i don't take any of the other stuff personally because it's not about me but see that is that's probably what a lot of people would struggle with right absolutely with him yeah because everything is personal to him yeah and i take almost nothing personally because i just go well if i made a mistake then i'll just apologize he and they like worked out their they had like a almost like a therapy session they did yeah what was wrong so what happened was i mean and this is funny like we were doing the the show and i think i was like i gotta take a [ __ ] so i got up and i walked out which i did i left i'll go back in a few minutes so yeah they're on the show and um and at this particular time in this moment the dive goes out like we'll put your headphones on so you can hear this thing bert puts him on he goes don't you know why would you talk to me like that and he's like what he said put your [ __ ] headphones on and like you know i'm not going to respond well he goes i didn't say that he goes see that's something i need to work on so it is so what happened was though they ended up talking it was actually i cuz i i didn't even you know it wasn't here i walked back in and then i watched it later but he was like you know they talked it out and basically nadav was like i feel like you know when we're butting heads on a lot of these things it's like you think something's being said that's right and bert was like yeah it's true i do yeah he does and he goes i think that you're talking to me a certain way and i don't realize till later that i'm just like putting that in my own head that's right and they they like worked it out that's good that's good that you worked it out but he that is a big problem for him when he gets triggered or he feels like something's emotional for him he hears it the way he hears it not the way it was said he will put words like there was one time early in our marriage where i was like i'm really upset with you about this and then you talk to you about it and he goes he said something back and he goes so so but you said that you wanted a divorce and i went i never said that have never we'll never say that what i said was i'm really upset with you and need to talk to you about it verbatim that's what i said and he heard she's leaving right she's leaving and i'm like i that wasn't in my stratosphere but i've got to be able to say hey dude you upset me and i need to talk to you about it so i just grew a really thick skin and went well then he's just making things up yeah so i just need to find what's really going on because the making things up is like a child where he's tantruming through his feelings yeah instead of just going hey what are my feelings so with georgia he parents with that situation where the friend called georgia and confided in her and he was going i'm going to call her and tell her yeah because he wasn't here he took a minute and then i was just in the house cleaning the house or something and i heard he and georgia having the best conversation ever because he took my advice yeah yeah he's like what happened how'd that go down yeah and i was like see what happens when you just freaking don't be the patriarchy yeah come in and go i need to have a talk he literally does this body stance so and he'll look up in a fight like i'm supposed to look up at it's the most bizarre behavior where i go this is literally what a four-year-old does on a playground did the other the boy did he like assault an unconscious girl or something yeah okay it's nothing like that nothing that crafty okay it was pretty crafty it was crafty for hours you tell me off michael i'll tell you off my kids okay it was pretty impressive i was super impressed wow but um sounds like a crime i was super impressed because i was thinking about what i was doing at that age and i was like [ __ ] right on dude yeah you're just being a regular teenager but you know we're in a pretty bubbled neighborhood where people are like oh my god i'm like he's was kind of what happens at that age well there's a parenting clip we have here um talking about i believe one i think one of the girls here it is look by the way this is like uh early on on our show yeah he looks so much better now yeah right yeah he does look yeah he looks bloated right there yeah we went to the monkey forest i told hila the monkeys are gonna want to [ __ ] her because she's on her period isla goes in she's on her period and i go i go isla be careful man they can sniff that out she's like what i'm like oh yeah the monkeys can smell like jay and they're gonna wanna [ __ ] you so be careful and if a monkey starts [ __ ] her i said i'm gonna videotape the whole thing yes and you someone else needs to get help so he doesn't use the word [ __ ] no not like that he doesn't use the word [ __ ] at all like with her yeah but he'll say that yeah he said that so he says great he does say crazy [ __ ] yes he does and most of the time the girls don't believe him yeah right but every once in a while i was super gullible yeah so she will believe a lot more georgia doesn't believe anything he says just about but isla that's so yeah i remember that moment yeah it's funny you're talking about like the making stuff up and everything like because it also applies to comedy you know because we'll be like we've hung out and this is like 10 years ago we're in the car driving i tell him something he starts laughing and then he's telling it back to me with added things and i'm like no no i didn't say that he goes i know but that's how i hear it yeah it's like what he goes i mean that's how i hear it in my head and i think it makes sense and it's way better but that's not what i'm saying it's inaccurate he goes that's how you should say it and i go what are you talking about that happens to me all the time he won't let me tell any stories ever because he'll go she's going to [ __ ] this one up let me tell it and i'll go if you want to know the real story yeah i'll tell you when he's done yeah so you can hear all the added jazz yeah and then if you want to know what actually happened i'll tell you what actually yeah yeah yeah i'm not a bad storyteller but i am not a fantastical exactly he makes everything is fantastical or catastrophic it's like a supernatural event when it tells a story yes it's either fantastical or catastrophic that's that's true and his day-to-day life is that there's like 5 000 people there and this guy came up to me and he was like i'll beat you over the head with this i'm like wait someone said well no but the guy looked at me weird i'm like oh okay somebody somebody looked at you weird two cars over here he's like he threatened me and i'm like oh okay i almost died and you're like really yeah no every story you're right like what is it yeah i wonder where there's got to be an origin of why it's that i think i mean like there has to be that's a really good question the catastrophe piece i think is tied into his anxiety but i don't know what the fantastical piece is if he doesn't feel enough i think it's yeah i think it's like the rush like because everybody kind of experiences the idea of like um being the first to share news right and seeing people captivating people's attention yeah and like i think there's a way where like in his style of telling a story where he must have exaggerated early on telling stories to people and seeing their reactions and then it like lit something up in him probably that was like yeah probably you gotta dress you gotta like put some sweetener on top of that to make it even more fantastical well you know now that you say that i think it probably is twofold one is probably something about self-esteem not feeling enough just as a normal person regular regular person but his mother you know has eight brothers his mother has eight brothers mother has eight brothers [ __ ] she's the second oldest so he had all these uncles that were younger and they are um really entertaining people like musical um out there nobody's like a joke teller but they're definitely storytellers one-uppers really entertaining family and gigi his mother is i mean she was like studied musical theater she's a really musical very out there performance type person yeah so i would imagine to grow up in that family culture and to see all these uncles so you always look up to your uncles yeah being this like oh uncle jimmy plays the banjo and watch this you know and it's all this kind of maybe some of it came from that maybe it came from that yeah i mean maybe and i know they did that in a fraternity they were always one-upping each other imagine what he was like no photos and everything you wouldn't have dated with the eddie better haircut yeah no were you a date of that no no no not even kind of he's told the story like so he wouldn't have dated me either by the way no no what were you like back then i was not hot enough for him oh all his girlfriends were like the hot babes oh really hot babes and i just wasn't a hot babe i was pretty and whatever i wasn't ugly but i wasn't that do you know what i mean yes i wasn't the like in the string bikini that's what he was dating yeah they were hot babes they're beautiful absolutely beautiful yeah hot babes so no he wouldn't have given me i just wonder what the relationship was like you know i mean like with him in the hot babes like back then well i think that he cast a wide wake and if you want to go to every party that's your boyfriend yeah yeah and uh you know he's an eat sleep drink [ __ ] dude that's what he does that's his modus operandi eat sleep bring [ __ ] so if she could handle any of those she would probably just find she probably i don't think he was looking for deep conversations at 27 you know 24. i like he threw in 27 well that's when he graduated most people are like 27 no we're talking about college like oh that was college uh-huh last year yeah 27 takes what it takes what time what year did he how was he when he went to college i don't know well you know he's got a november birthday and his mom held him a year okay so he was old when he graduated he probably graduated high school at 19 or something well he was almost 19. okay right he was 18 when he graduated high school and early in his freshman year college turned 19. whereas i started college at 17 yeah but he should have been out by 23-24 at least yeah yeah let the good times roll and knowing like i know a little bit about uh big al yeah he must have been beside himself yeah being like you're doing another [ __ ] semester at that school jesus yeah i heard it was you know there was a lot i think of um uh there was a lot going on there during that time i mean you know burke got like three college scholarships for baseball and passed on all of them and his dad was like an olympic alternate for the track team what yeah his dad went to college on a track scholarship and was an olympic alternate i mean like super athlete so he raised this boy who was brett radke's catcher all growing up and brett rocky went pro and of course he had these three big college scholarships and he was like yeah i don't want to play ball every day i just want to party and so i think from right there al crusher was like push what the [ __ ] you know where did he jump offers to play baseball citadel duke and fsu well he turned down the scholarship offer yeah he did fsu to play baseball yeah and duke and duke yeah and citadel he would not have lasted seven years at duke it was a good thing it was fun no he wouldn't have no no no he just went there and i think he actually went to a couple practices maybe really and went i think i mean i mean i was i didn't you know really good baseball yeah yeah i know i'm from georgia yeah so yeah but yeah he was like yeah i don't want to do this every day and his dad was i think i think therein started not a great path for him and his dad in college i think his dad was very frustrated and his dad at one point was like you have to get a job so he started working and he got fired and then he started working again and he got fired again he just kept getting paid yeah he had i mean the one my one of my favorite stories of his is about getting fired from like the barnes and noble because they have the security camera he's doing what push-ups or something in the naked naked in the basement so he wouldn't get his clothes sweaty yeah and they're like what are you doing down there he's like stacking books yeah just taking care of business you know we have a camera whatever oops oopsie daisy yeah we're going to play tennis soon you are yeah that's good he's a really good tennis player he's sad no i think he actually is that's what's that's one of the things that's amazing to me is he is a phenomenal athlete yeah yeah as much as he talks about the mickey mouse gene [ __ ] yeah no no there's actually i have never ever witnessed him not be able to do something well yeah athletically athletically nothing i mean like wakeboarding for the first time boom up you're like he just has that he just has that genetic makeup yeah but yeah he's been playing tennis since he was like seven yeah something we've been talking about you play tennis your whole life too i mean i stopped for a long time i played as a kid like a lot played in tournaments and and then i stopped and then we played like randomly over the years my cousin christina and i a few times but then recently i started taking lessons oh again so when i told him that it completely set him off he's like i'm gonna go take a lesson tomorrow uh he did yeah i know i know he he was really fired up about it yeah i could i could tell he loved playing tennis tennis is great yeah yeah i've been i've been uh i went yesterday and you guys will have a blast i think so you'll have a blast we're gonna i think we're gonna shoot it you should because it's gonna be funny it'll be funny and we'll have mike so we'll be able to talk [ __ ] yeah two bears one net yep we'll have a small wager going don't worry nothing nothing significant um well we finally get to the most fun part oh god um it's the batch at number six we like to call it and that is diving deep into your sex life oh in my mind with him yes okay because he talks about it all the time he talks about it and he also talks about trading up so which do you believe he's not trading anything i know he's not but she said you know just you know what you do that pleases your girlfriend doesn't please me i heard that and i had never been more solid in not leaving my relationship in that moment i was like i will never leave like leanne because i can make lean come but i yeah that's all i can do lee i did last night we had sex last night and i said to leanne i said stop i said thank you i banged it out you did oh [Music] but he thinks that every time she can get it and she got it there was a whole interview on uh a whole segment on female orgasms and it was talking about just about how dif like it was just a [ __ ] 30 minutes on orgasms and then leanne just hit the tv we were done watching she goes so what do you want to do i was like i don't know what you want to do is you guys i say we go into the bedroom and i was like done son and i brought the [ __ ] thunder did [Music] which i normally don't do i just usually put in work so one day i'm watching cat house that show in vegas yeah this girl one of the girls is teaching a guy how to eat [ __ ] and then i thought this is silly i'm gonna try this tonight and just hear lean go what the [ __ ] are you doing and that night it was actually during the day it was during the day the next day i go down on the end and and she just goes what what are you doing and i was like huh and now i'm like going like trying to remember all the [ __ ] she said gentle chaos uh [ __ ] like a hurricane but not too hard at the moment and then build it and i start doing the things that she had said in the thing and leanne i remember she had an orgasm and she went oh [ __ ] and i went what like i never heard the curse even i'm like what the she goes what the [ __ ] was that and i was like i don't know oh my god yeah well first of all great lover he's pretty good yeah um first of all you know a lot of people i'm my family in georgia watch this show oh good so thanks for that but no i hi guys i i my grandmother saw this show she did she did she saw that show no i don't know one of them don't watch this one and i'll tell you this check it out guys i never take it off my whoop i'd like to thank whoop we know a lot about a lot we know 2020 has been a tough year we know we want to live healthier lifestyles but we don't know a lot about ourselves or how our behavior impacts us and this thing has given me so much insight to get to know myself deeper how my body uh is being strained how i'm recovering when i should press it when i should rest it it's incredible the amount of insight that i have it knows automatically like what activity i've done it knows how my heart's resting it knows how i'm breathing when i sleep it knows when i'm in deep sleep it's incredible i love tracking all that it is the best next level fitness tracker i've used for our listeners whoop is offering 15 off with the code bears at checkout go to woop w-h-o-o-p dot com enter bears at checkout to save 15 percent get to know yourself on a deeper level unlock yourself with whoop i believe that having a good strong sex life when you're married is super important i believe you're so correct uh in putting this part of my life open to the world yeah uh i'm actually okay with oh good because i want to say that because people are like oh my god how do you let him talk to you about you like that but don't you have sex with your spouse yes i mean yeah you don't you're not in my bedroom you don't know exactly what's going on we're just he's just saying we have really good sex right so what's wrong with that nothing we do we have really good sex it's just endlessly amusing to hear him talk about a lot of topics and especially his heroic antics yeah of course he believes him to be a hero which really is like hey babe do you want to maybe that's what really that's how bert really is are you feeling it what do you think you know he's very not this patriarch guy he's not that happy he's on the hips yeah no you feel like getting it i mean from time to time he'll say something where i go for real you just said that to me the answer is absolutely no yeah you know like he'll just go hey how about a blow job like he's saying like hey how about a diet coke yeah yeah and i'm like no i mean the answer is no right how about a [ __ ] how about a [ __ ] yeah yeah is this her talk is this him talking to her yeah i love you too all right bye now that woman can suck a dick but i've talked about that openly too i talked about it with push where i read a book about it about fellatio yeah it was written by a gay man about how to give good blow jobs because men know how to do it to men because men know what they like could you give her a copy i told her about it really it does could you write it down it's on my website if anybody wants it oh really yeah i'll link to it because i think when'd you read it i read it when he and i were first dating really yeah i did because i was like what's your goal in sex right my goal is to feel good but to also make sure he feels good and it's not fair if i always get my rocks off and he is like that was great i mean it was okay yeah and i mean i don't enjoy giving a [ __ ] but it is something he enjoys right so i'd like to do it well so it a gets over fast and b is something that he's he enjoys right yeah of course so if you suck at it it's 45 minutes long you know if you do it fast and it's pretty fast yeah if you do a good job so well good for you i mean i think that's actually a very uh perspective i think that's a very healthy perspective that shouldn't be like it should be more widely you know talked about totally expressed and accepted because it's part of human nature yeah this is if you're if you're married especially you are supposed to be having sex to have a healthy relationship yeah of course so what it's all it's like money no one ever talks about money and you go well no wonder half the people don't know what to do with money very good point because they don't talk about it very good it's like so taboo it's the same with sex right yes how you supposed to know if your sex life is good if you don't talk to your partner about it i'm so happy that my wife just is likes having sex and wants to have sex i feel like because we mean like we have friends i have a friend who is in this marriage where like we've talked he's like yeah we haven't had sex in like months really yes and i'm like you know i'm not an expert but i'm sitting there doing like i'm like are you expressing that and he's like yep and it just gets shut down that's so sad of course it is that's my point is like it's i'm that's that's sad so then um and then he's like how about you i'm like now we had sex a few times this week and he's like oh my god yeah he's like he's like that's a distant memory for him oh that's so sad well you know that's an indicator something's wrong i think of course wrong but i mean it's more your point of like you know doing it talking about it i mean all you know obviously we make a lot of jokes but i mean i think it's yeah it's a it's a much healthier perspective and i felt that way also about money too about how especially like when you're when you don't have money and you meet people with money i was always curious too yeah i would always ask a lot of questions me too and sometimes it would get pointed out like why are you asking all these questions like because i'm curious yeah because i want to know totally curiosity is is is the root of change yeah if you can be curious about something you can make a change if you're not curious about it nothing's gonna happen so i mean when people hear all these outrageous clips that he all these claims he makes i feel like it normalizes other people's [ __ ] yeah you know where you go uh my husband does that too and it embarrasses me and i get maybe this is more normal than i think you have a little hint of burt in your life yes you know and then you go oh okay okay a hint is all you need that's all you need you don't need to go full bert like if you and if like she died you got hit by a bus nope nope don't need to explain more i heard you guys she's just gone so uh bus accident motorcycle hits her motorcycle hits her and i get to reconstruct her body different story boss hits her she's dead she's dead and the baby your wife's been hit by a come on motorcycle come on motorcycle her body flies off a cliff it's run over by a couple trucks all right she's totally dead an elephant steps on her teeth yeah you're out there again do you think you're making chicks come left and right like initially i was initially i was like i was like like like where do you see what captain tingles brings your way yes and now i know that's not the fact no he is so he has this persona that he believes but he doesn't really believe it yeah he presents it right he's terrified of women like when we first started dating he was [ __ ] terrified of women really a hundred percent thank you a hundred percent he's terrified of them i believe that i believe that because he i've been around him and he actually i think reverts into like a sweet kid around women he does with me when we first he was terrified of me also and he was also very uncomfortable with how much he liked me from day one he didn't know what to do with it and it was just oozing out of his body and i kept going i get it i got is this is okay actually i'm i'm good with this you're you're good but it's not normal it's not like a normal guy thing yeah so i think he feels uncomfortable with that sometimes so he talks all this trash and it's just trash it's not true you know to ignore it though completely but see like that's the thing is because i feel like most most women that i mean i just think you know i think a lot would would not be able to ignore the noise probably yeah but uh yeah i ignore a lot of his noise because a lot of his noise like this kind of talking makes him feel so good about himself and okay you know if i eat an ice cream makes me feel good about myself yeah is he gonna be like all over me about it right probably not right so whatever it's not hurting anybody it doesn't hurt me that's important that's important it would be different so that's important i think probably to an audience because there's a lot of people who listen or watch the show and be like you know with both of us they'll be like you know that's crazy [ __ ] you said about whoever your spouse yeah but it's not hurting you you know it doesn't hurt me because it's not true yeah the thing about when he first started telling jokes about me on stage this is what i said if it's well written you can do it and i don't care what anybody thinks because you and i know what's the truth right so no matter what is said on stage it's set on stage for entertainment yeah this is entertainment it is this is entertainment and and i mean it in the most uh flattering way this is wonderful entertainment to listen to the podcast and hear you two [ __ ] about all the things you [ __ ] about because guess what two guys do when they get together they [ __ ] [ __ ] and tell tall tales about the sex they had last night with their wife yeah yeah yeah so it's that's what this is yeah so if anybody can't figure that out yeah then you know that's my perspective i stuffed it in christina's mouth the other day you did yeah so hard did she bite she no she gagged [Laughter] i mean really far though i mean it was really far it was like oh wow yeah couldn't breathe it was great what's this one i [ __ ] leanne so good last night please tell me did we start yep are you guys ready yeah we're ready now does he ever come in and go i had the lamest sex ever no no yeah that doesn't exist fantastical yeah or catastrophe that doesn't exist yeah what'd you do it was awesome it was awesome we did this thing where um it's like imagine if you're both sitting in a chair okay so imagine you're both sitting in a chair so these are your legs right then you do this or like this this that's how you hit doesn't he can't even accurately describe it so you mean it wasn't like this i don't know what he's talking about in the chair and you go like this no no i haven't had sex in a chair since i was about 25. i don't know what i was talking about i didn't i just by the way half the things when he's like trying to describe something and he's terrible at it i just go like no no i get what you're saying and i don't see you have the patience i have yeah you allow him to have his hyperbole [ __ ] yes and just roll with it well that's the thing i was thinking about because uh you know people will hit me up about uh our our friendship and and i and i actually thought about that the thing that i have with him and and i think it's it goes both ways and it's probably what you have as well with him is that we fully accept each other the way that we are yes yes that's true so we just like you know all my quirks and everything he's just like that's that's you i get like he just knows me yeah and goes with it and it's the same way so half the crazy [ __ ] you know whatever it is whether it's the exaggerating or the the impulse control and i'm just like yeah that's that's who he is that's right and you know i try to enjoy him right right yeah to not try and control him or change him i try to enjoy him as exactly who he is because you know i grew up with a parent much like push who did not enjoy me and did not want to see who i really was wasn't interested in who i really was wanted me to fit in a box and i think women in particular not to be hard on my my sex but i think women in particular need men to fit in a certain box and once they start spilling out of the box here or there with picking their nose or whatever that super dude they get really unnerved about it instead of going well he's a dude yeah dudes do stuff women don't do women do stuff dudes don't do so what's wrong with that there's nothing wrong with that i mean half the [ __ ] burt does is really gross male or female but yeah all animals yeah yeah any species pretty much there's one or two i could think of that wouldn't mind it but yeah um but yeah i don't know i don't know why people can't find a way to enjoy everybody yeah you can everybody it goes back to perspective though yeah it does you can change that you know that's actually something you can change is there one more is there one more thing also means she's skinny now she's always been skinny she's always been attractive are we are we recording now good oh i'm so glad she's skinny now and so so like her body looks awesome oh it's [ __ ] great you got a big compliment then yeah it's very sweet yeah i am skinny now i know you look great i feel really great good that's good yeah you put work into it i feel work yeah still yeah that's great yeah i love it i wish he would do the same for himself so he could feel that way about himself because he's in this cycle man i tell him this all the time your cycle is such self-hatred about his body yeah and there i identify with that when i tell him well here's the thing i identify incredibly with it the difference is because like mine's not healthy self-talk but because his is worse meaning more so and on display it makes me recognize that it's not healthy you know what i mean okay so like i'm doing the same thing to myself yeah but not as bad but his is worse so then i go man i shouldn't like i shouldn't do that and then it makes me go you you shouldn't do that because i'm seeing it yeah i'm seeing my own behavior in you right but yours is even worse right so that you're a mirror for each other yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean we have a similar similar build and yeah similar probably you know impulses i mean a little different but like well you know i don't have like i'm not into like the the drinking as much no but i mean i definitely with food and you know we both have like you know like yeah problems with it i guess you know with like hey man [ __ ] eating crazy or you know yeah working out we both work out but yeah i hear i when i hear him talk to himself i'll be like [ __ ] man yeah i i it breaks my heart a little bit because i go well for one you're choosing this so you need to just accept it and enjoy it yeah because you are choosing this over and over again and then beating yourself up and then re-choosing it and then it's a cycle so then if you're going to choose it yeah then at least enjoy it enjoy it yeah and and if you're if you're tired of choosing it there are so many ways to choose something else yeah but you don't want to do either you just want to keep in this punitive cycle and it's it's a familiar cycle it is familiar as well as something he witnessed growing up a lot i think in his family that that's his dad has always struggled with his weight and he's very punitive with himself so he learned it yeah yeah yeah yeah i saw his dad though in that i told him i saw it because he was saying him something about his dad and i was like hey yo i saw that clip of your dad yeah at your show take his shirt off on stage with you i thought i thought he looked great he looks great yeah he's in great shape now he's taking care of him yes he is he's doing a great job yeah um so wait now going back to what you started with here because you you passed out and you fell and all this stuff so how are you going to take care of yourself moving forward so this doesn't happen well i don't know how deep you want to go into the psychology of why that happened but i am a 98 other focused based on some like psychological testing i did which is not healthy not focused on yourself at all correct so um i'm just gonna try to focus on myself more it's a really hard thing to fix because um the perpetual motion machine that i find myself on from day to day the never-ending to-do list and i don't mean like you know wash the dog to-do list i do a lot for bert also of course i have my own podcast and i have two teenagers and i'm remodeling two houses so my perpetual never-ending to-do list is i don't rest until there's nothing on it which is impossible right but that's it that's a survival mechanism that's not sustainable though it's not sustainable so how do you so propose making it sustainable so what i started doing since i fell is to say you need to complete two things on the list today just two and if there's something urgent like you said earlier this email came in at 6 30 and it won't overload me right because i've only done two things but you're not trying to do 20 things a day right like i had you're really sticking to that in the 10 days yeah yeah i've really stuck to it that's good so like i had a meeting before this and i have this and i'm not doing anything else today that's great unless something unexpected and urgent but i'm not pushing myself through this list because most of the deadlines for the list were my deadlines you know some of the stuff with bert is not my deadline so that i have to respect but like choosing the faucets for the bathrooms that's my deadline yeah but i get on this like i gotta get the faucets done i gotta get it done because then i have this next step and then this next step and then the dog needs to go the groomer and then this and then this and this and i just tried to stop that yeah and just go just two things leanne and if something comes up urgent or emergent you can handle it but i mean the stuff we were doing from october to right before i collapsed i just i remember in that meeting saying to bert this is not doable like we can't actually achieve this and we achieved it anyway yeah and at a cost the collateral damage was i fell on my face and busted my face open from exhaustion so so it was it was you know i didn't make the call to push ahead with a lot of the stuff bert did yeah so perhaps next time i raise my hand and say i'm concerned remember when i fell on my face maybe this time yeah it'll mean something different it's good it's because sometimes you need like the reminder because like i i'll push it too especially when touring is going on yeah but then like it's one of those things where you just look at your other friends and you go like they're they're doing it too hard yeah and then it makes you go like uh like this isn't you don't need to rush through this tour right you don't have to get it stuffed into this time period right take your time you can it's hard you know bert always says um well he says um eat [ __ ] cast checks which means don't just suffer through and get the money when the money comes my family says make hay while the sun shines right so you have this opportunity to to grab as many opportunities as possible yeah and sometimes that window is small so his perspective is during this window i'm going to grab as many as i can and unfortunately for my very blue collar background i have that same perspective so we're maybe not a great combination in that where we're we become unbalanced when so many opportunities show up and burt says yes to all of us all of them and then i go well if you're saying yes buddy i'm hitching this trailer up to this wagon and we are going let's go and and it's just it was just too much going on yeah and not enough support you know when covet came all my support for the kind of minutia of life left though right by dog walker gone the tutor for isla gone so then i became the dog walker and the tutor and the cleaning person and everything else that was still going on it's just too much well i'm glad you had the realization this way me too not in a worse way it's pretty minor all things considered you know i got to say i think this is the best two bears ever it was nice to get in a whole bunch of words [Laughter] and you had some really good words [Laughter] thanks a lot of times people are like this should be called uh what is it uh bert talks tom listens or how funny so funny when he comes on my podcast i'll get an uh email going could you just tell him to [ __ ] mind his own business he has enough podcasts i listen to him on this one this one i'm tired of hearing him i'm coming to see you and i'm like yeah there's no stopping him no there's no there's no no but actually the truth is i enjoy it i enjoy it well thank you for coming thank you for having me yeah this was a lot of fun i had a good time had a good time thank you um and it was fun to uh you know but bert we love you we love you bert i love you baby doll i love you too baby though bert and tom tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur partology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave you

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 1,638,062

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: Os86a07fK10

Length: 91min 9sec (5469 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 14 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Kazuma126]

This is fucking great. Especially when you get to hear Tom talk in a proper back and forth conversation.

[u/unidansrealburner]

The longer I watch, the more firmly I believe that Tim is actively trying to ruin Brent’s life slowly.

[u/Errorterm]

"I came up with this great show idea for Georgia and she won't do it. It's called Nothing's Burning where she cooks things and doesn't burn anything and does it perfectly." Lmao LeeAnn's got jokes too

[u/ErickMor]

“You cut the girls toe nails. Why can’t you cut mine?!” “She’s 4!” LMAO! He’s a legit Homer Simpson.

[u/CubsFanCraig]

I know the popular thing is to shit on Bort, and for a good reason because he's an unfunny drunk, but man this has been the best episode of 2B1C in forever. Leeann is a Saint for all she tolerates while still managing to see the good in Blurt.

This has just been a hilarious clip show where Tom tries to further ruin Bart's life while Leeann is basically like "he's just a big dumb animal" and I'm here for it.

[u/rendering-minimalist]

This episode only continues to confirm how gross Brent is

[u/DarshDiggler]

I love her.

[u/Agirlhas_nousername]

This needs to happen once a month.

[u/BreastOfTheWurst]

What a breath of fresh air. LeeAnn and Tom are fantastic together, she is hilarious without constantly trying to be, and she lets Tom speak.