Ep. 31 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace I have a fantastic pilot website Burt Burt Burt calm initially it was a little weed paid someone to do it and then all of a sudden Liane said we're not moving anymore our website she decided to change our website if you know anything about my wife it is she is not technically advanced at technologically advanced technically technologically at all she barely can find things on Google yet this woman put together an amazing website that has increased our merch sales through the roof I'm saying this because you too can build a website based off your cool idea your blog your whatever you do if you have a small business you can build a website using Squarespace and you don't need to have any of the skill sets of HTML and you can sell shirts like whiskey [ __ ] [ __ ] dog on your website and make money that is how easy Squarespace is use they have these great templates you can pick from the colors the designs you want you can announce upcoming 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find all their newest and best shades but that left our to show some prefer black American they don't go with podcasting with Segura you like what are you gonna say first by the way I just went I gotta do a guy that I should not deserve a shout-out this guy hits me up the other day I'm not gonna say any names this guy hits me up me goes hey man I know that racist stuff bothers you and I know you're trying to get it to stop and I was and then he wrote and then he wrote if that's the case man as a fan you have to unfollow me and I went what an odd thing to say and then I checked out is like obviously if anyone tweets anything nice about me a lot of times I'll just follow them and then just go I thanks man or whatever his Twitter is just all white national races you gotta unfollow me man I'm just giving you a heads up I'm looking out for you as a fan when I was like mother [ __ ] [ __ ] like I literally was like I unfollowed him and I was like God dick so you were following he wrote something nice about my stand-up follows like one of my fellow brothers doing it right you gotta stop talking to me now all right woo god damn it and and then and then I started going like I should probably go through everyone's Twitter is amazing like it's amazing it's such a great sounding board for reality yeah watching the last dance Karl Malone comes into the bus yeah starts [ __ ] shaking her bird whatever hands with everyone after they just lost the chance you championship yep shirt tucked in Michael great job give him a hug he said a dork right I wrote I wrote Karl Malone is a class act that's it that's all I wrote Twitter let me the [ __ ] up apparently you didn't know all the details about boobie Wow yeah at all and also I spelled it with a CA RL oh my god what did you learn about Karl Malone um I'm gonna always say allegedly in this cuz I don't I'm just going off of Twitter I'm surprised that you know that word but yes Twitter by the way shout out the [ __ ] Red Bull Red Bull sent me a care package yeah of all different Red Bulls and a bottle of vodka just sent it to me mmm [ __ ] like hey man if you need some help falling off the wagon how many days in a row are you sober now I'm a lot still really yeah but I'm not that regular Red Bull or is that like a special this is a sugar-free it's only got ten count 15 calories in it but I am going nuts on [ __ ] Red Bull lately you are I miss it so much I love when you get a new habit I by the way less than six indoor showers this year that's less than six dis quarantine no way by the way no one who shares that stat usually shares it I'm an outdoor shower guy I'm a cold shower Ivan III quantified it as hot showers the other day yeah and Georgia goes they're all hot showers dad may go not the way your dad takes them take them in the hose take them in the outdoors you like the cold shower I love a cold shower but gets [ __ ] done do you feel like you like if you're a cold going into it you can still do that or you like to be hot and then take it no no I can do a cold going into it here's the thing I don't like about showers I don't like getting into the shower and then sitting there and going I could not leave here forever what that's the best part I know but that then I gotta depresses me really yeah and sorry you really use it for a wake up oh yeah I get it also wake you up what I McLaren 720's with the top down doing a buck-50 on the freeway I we've so much to talk to right down Karl Malone right down I want to give this before I forget we ended last week's episode talking about so much time teams we disrespected I did I left out Alabama so out of respect I got an Alabama football shirt just to wear for the episode today because they should definitely be in the top five by the way and I got to give a shout-out to Berber calm nubert whiskey cock-block dog I like it [ __ ] yeah right I love it okay we sold a ton of them already so get one of brr brr brr calm new cops do everything and and and then while you're at it by the way this is such an exciting episode there's there's there's there's a whole bunch of new to bear stuff the hat the [ __ ] hats they were supposed to be here and I followed up and they said that they're this Kovich it has disrupted everything so it so it delayed that too you're saying that to the guy that's starting a flip-flop line we have a hundred boxes of flip-flops sitting in quarantine these are on presale already people don't really it's like it's not like most merch where it's a design we partnered with new era they partnered with like MLB we have a legit like a legit sports franchise hat and yeah they're like we don't know I think this is delaying everything we're the same thing with flip-flops I put I put where are the where is the quarantine we right where are they sitting right now I think they're in China I think they're in China we were supposed to go on presale last week free water I have a flip-flop called the Dylan I brought back to Dylan I started a campaign to bring these [ __ ] is now turning this sounds like out infomercial where let me tell you something else the great the hats are coming all right so listen yeah so I started I started these flip-flops and they're sitting in quarantine they're on presale now I think I don't know it's gonna free water get the Dylan but I you know what it was it was like it this this quarantine will teach you a lesson of don't live outside your budget like yeah literally there's no reason you don't need the bigger better thing like last night I was gonna buy an iPad and I was like you know what [ __ ] it I don't know what's happening tomorrow right like so yeah but didn't you start construction on the new house started cuz you're like I'm not gonna get an iPad but I'll build a house you wanna know what they just had to be the other day what with a straight face yes I said so I noticed you're changing a lot of things about the house that you didn't initially wanted you we wanted to move the pool we're not gonna do that anymore or you're telling them like make adjustments to the design yeah because it cuz it's like it's like all the things where you go [ __ ] it whatever your dream house now you start going we just need something to live in like we just need a house where people don't know the address that's it technically and and so so someone said to me with a straight face are you still building the moat and I went yeah we're gonna pass on the moat it was a tremendous waste of money he had built a moto moto design I was gonna build a moat yeah it's [ __ ] badass it's pretty cool koi pond little bridge going to drive over do it well maybe maybe if this drive-in movie theater tour works yeah oh yeah that's really cool we haven't announced it yet but yeah yeah guys don't hold your breath or hold your breath hold your breath it's happening hold your breath hold your breath next week I'll announce it next week probably details details big tour coming you're the first guy doing this yep yeah hey let's get to all the things we want to talk about okay wait wait can we call Warren Sapp again yeah I don't know you read his like did you text I did let me see this is the last one right here okay by the way tell me if I don't look like a psycho with all the blue sent to see let me see let me see okay just read it like him hey so also this is you what up homie [Music] argue about no that's that's cool okay can I send another thing now yeah text him and say hey we're on no no no whoo no what am i [ __ ] crazy what the [ __ ] bullet have you ever seen those videos of the woman walking with a stroller in Russia and the Train walked right by can I text him yeah okay look what I was round oh look what I was writing and we give you a shout okay okay you can imagine how he feels very quickly wrong yeah this would have been yeah if what if I just said yeah yeah text Warren Sapp just and you just were like hey man if you had to blow one of your teammates who would it have been Derrick Brooks or what were you gonna say can we give you a shout and about while we're recording you guys like you wanna hear it you know you have a lot of black friends hound yo homie no what do you what are you writing we're recording now just write finished whatever you write then just finish you know I'm saying feel free to give me a call you know I'm saying dog stop stop you're talking in its voice texting yeah I'm trying to help you know you know what I'm saying dog it just feel free to give me a call you know what I'm saying dog [ __ ] are you talking to me like that please let me let me take no way come on that is a con that is a [ __ ] I got found a new party game switch phones with your friends and have them text having them dead and this is just for white people used to have them fixed text opposing black people and go alright here we go this is how we try self runner would you write we're recording now for you free to give give us a call you're asking him to give you a call yeah then the balls in his court by the way this is why I never [ __ ] it out a lot of chicks see you think know if it's Santa sent you can't I haven't sent them oh we're recording now you say can we get can we give you a call and then he just writes no he said no no but them what if he does then I feel oh then that's fine just you know the answer can we give you a call yeah I'm saying I'm [ __ ] voice texting all right said all right let me let me do no no I do let me let me DM or text a black friend of yours no [ __ ] what do i no no no no no no cuz I know it because it doesn't it's not now let's change subjects and talk about Karl Malone okay so what did you learn about Karl I learned number one the first thing I got there's a lot of text of a video of I guess someone played him in blackface someone played against him in black I know someone did oh oh I know it is yeah I know you're talking about who should do an impression of Jimmie him oh yeah I used to do a precedence oh I got a lit up with those like wait a minute what that's not I have no idea it was like it was like anything you say about Carl Malone and then all of a sudden that came up which I don't even want to pull it don't even put that on screen so I feel like that was acceptable when it happened no one lit him up but now people light him up and it's like kind of I don't know yeah I'm not standing up for blackface is actually pretty blackface II though that is like like I'm not going out doesn't look like a spray tan does he talk he definitely talks like a black guy yeah we did talking that Carmel own Carmel owns like real country you know like he think about he making that crazy NBA money he bought an 18-wheeler like what you see you know he's right I just want to drive a big 18-wheeler yeah sure a weird-looking dude though big dude strange um had had a had a child with a 13 year old okay when he was a sophomore in college that was the most problematic like so like now my all of a sudden class act thing and you mentioned earlier you said allegedly this happened allegedly I said all this allegedly I think that's actually for allegedly allegedly allegedly she was 13 I don't know I wasn't there but I think when you do the math a ver how old or like I think I think when he was playing in the NBA he had a 20 year old son like III all I know is his son my son goes to a different college but there's allegedly allegedly Karl Malone this is what the internet told me he's a terrifying player I mean like as far as physical specimen there was nobody that could move like that it was that big and that's wrong I tell you man I'm not see how yoked Shaq is lately yes Shaq's arms are [ __ ] we didn't work he got out of shape and then he went hardcore in the other direction I want to be I would be if you could be best friends with any pro football player mm-hmm who'd it be like any pro football I'm sorry any pro athlete any pro athlete you could just be friends with them Michael Jordan would be a good one to be friends with she'll be just fun as [ __ ] well he'd be way fun can I tell ya why you think Jordan would be it good to be friends with just because he's an icon no I have a feeling he has no I bet I have a feeling he's the kind of guy you can go like we should do this you think so oh did you watch I would think that Shaq's more like that for real yeah cuz like he'd like to have a good time he goes he like well DJ at a festival yeah Shaq does seem to have a good time he's all I would never I mean no disrespect there's a lot of guys I didn't would never want to be friends with of course like the ones that take things way too seriously yeah but Jordan didn't feel like that like he was like I think Jordan is pretty like for who he is and what he accomplished like at least in that in the doc series you go like that seems like a pretty reasonable personality to have either I got all not at all you don't think you woke up before the finals had two beers played the piano smoked cigar and then went play I cannot have two beers and then go do anything no I'm saying his personality in the doc in the last dance ergo you don't go like this guy is a dick or this guy is too full of himself like he seems reasonable enough for who he is but now everyone's coming out like Scottie Pippen said he's pissed off the way he was portrayed Gary Payton said he was pissed off the way he was portrayed like everyone's angry at the way they were poorest grants upset where's grants really upset he's like I didn't snitch I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about yeah and they said that that the doc portrayed Michael more than the Bulls as a team and it's like yeah yeah of course by the way that's who we went and to go see yeah that's who everyone was looking to see and by the way you wouldn't have any of the like he is the reason the whole team was elevate I mean it is a team but come on of course it's funny to see Rodman just be a regular guy in the background uh you mean like in the footage or like in the interview and in the footage in the footage just to see like no Hitler was hanging back Kim Justin's in like he seems to be a big sweatpants guy yeah but like him just in like pajama pants walking around the locker room not being a lunatic just being a regular person they had cool Rodman storyline in the in the last dance you know like when he was [ __ ] off and you're like where is he I like when when Jordan told the story he's like Robin said he needed a break and he told Phil Jackson and Jordan Jones like you can't get this guy break never come back until Jackson's like go ahead take a little break uh I guess I would do that in a heartbeat were like he goes you would be Rodman you're Rodman yeah look where I go I'm gonna do me yeah and you'd also be like I just want to blow off some steam for a couple days go be in a go be in WrestleMania for you could that you would definitely that yeah someone's that someone was asking me about your wrestling [ __ ] like what [ __ ] stuff and so I go I go yeah man he's got I know you should see what he's got lined up for magicians and her like what like these really have sex he says magic isn't real I think it is I might have to use that storyline as soon as we're done with this gasoline heat we gotta get these [ __ ] rabbit molesters yeah I was at the Magic Castle the other day and I gotta tell you something I call [ __ ] all right Karl Malone's covered caramel is covered man I'm a fan of the way his sportsmanship I'd like to reassess my yeah the sportsmanship is cool sportsmanship you lose the championship and you get on the bus and go great game guys yeah [ __ ] badass that is great sportsmanship I was talkin about what losers I thought people were who were critical of the fact that Michael was a bit tough and aggressive and kind of a bully I saw this article written by this [ __ ] soy boy who said that uh he was like he was like you know when you watch the last dance you realize that you know you don't have to be like the way Michael was you can still be a good guy and went to all the championships you and then he cites his examples and all I know for sure reading that article you're like this was written by a piece of [ __ ] this guy is a loser he's encouraging people to like just be mediocre and don't push like people who achieve what he achieved are different they admire him saying I'm not even I'm not that guy I admire people like that that can be that like that driven and be like I'm gonna win at all costs I mean I don't know how you don't look at that and go like wow that's that's something to aim for it would be cool to take like all the goats and put them in a room together and see which one rises to the top like who becomes like who gets up it's interesting that it's definitely gonna be a personality it's like MJ's its other ones who are like that but it's not gonna be one of those like I would love to I would I don't really know Chappelle at all like at all I mean I don't even think he'd know me if I walked into a room but I've met him before and I wonder what he's got that Jordans got like I want to see the similarities that's interesting I think it's different though in entertainment it's funny it's funny or it's not and I know that he would deny this and he would shut this down this conversation not immediately but could be argued Joe has got hardcore goat traits right oh yeah and and and also will like not never be like don't nobody talk about a regular guy I'm just a regular guy and you're like I've seen you operate yeah you work at a different clip than everyone else but like but I would love to see I just like get Tony Hawk Dave Chappelle Laird Hamilton and later like see their shared train and see what's what the thing where they their brains click I think Dave's different though and just because of the type of thing that he excels in it's a it's just different than you know it's with sports there's such like a clear objective goal you're like you got a do like work char in sports tubes like the world you know I know but like pot like the way that Joe approaches the podcast his podcasts that lines up more with that driven sports mentality like he's there five days a week he's doing multiple three hours and then like still getting you know still spent time with the family getting his workouts and working with these you know just doing all this [ __ ] it's different with stand up though because I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same the same I think Chappelle and Jordan have the same similarity of I don't see failure as an option I do what I do and they yeah see that's interesting because Chappelle is the why wouldn't you have two beers in the mill the afternoon smokey join and then go to this pitch meeting and then show up to the club have a couple drops Peck you lating I don't know Chappelle's drinking or smoking habits by know that he's not a guy that like he'll just have like a I'm guessing aren't so wait wasn't that it was that in the lab in the last episode where they said the thing about him is that he's present he's a president he doesn't look at any opportunities failure that was really interesting and that's something that I think they nailed that most people probably never thought and you're like oh yeah he's like you just here right now like right now same thing goes about taking a shot right they said yeah like he doesn't go like what if I miss the shot taking the shot yet why why would I ever speculate missing yeah why would I I would just think of how I will sink it but then I think I guess the part that I struggle like with the comparison is that like you know the their athletes have especially like like Mike or you know they're so driven for all the work for a comedian you can be a great comedian and like get up at 1:00 you know I mean and like it just kind of drag yourself in and still be an amazing comedian so I guess take the work way you know here's the deal I remember hearing Seinfeld I by the way and once again allegedly I say keep saying allegedly just I don't remember totally all these things I do remember him that I remember them but I could be wrong mmm-hmm Seinfeld saying up seeing a bunch of people a bunch of guys that were building a building or something in New York and they were coming back for lunch and going right back to work I know yes is it a boys I'm all right yeah and he was like I mean I looked at my job that way like I should be working all day I had two thoughts I think I've said this maybe on this podcast but I too thought so I was like number one you don't I work all day regardless I don't you may not see me clock in but my brain does not shut down for comedy like oh [ __ ] Spotify hang on they're offering a [ __ ] 100 million dollar deal hey we'll take it okay um so that joke almost went horribly wrong but um but uh but but the other part of it is like I don't think Jordan ever looked at what he did is like as like work like I think that's the other shift is I don't think Chappelle looks at comedy is work that's his calling like I think Seinfeld I think you're totally right I think Seinfeld it may be his calling but he looked at it as a job right a job he loved and then he wanted to be extremely proficient I wonder he want to do proficient at his job I think and I think the difference is there are comics there are definitely comics that look at this like a job like you got to sit you got to write you got a like you got to really work at it you got to you got to get on stage you got to do this and then there's guys like Chappelle that goes or you can just be the thing that you want to be ia and be that that I subscribe more to that Jordan Chappelle like I just I'm a comic and I can't help that who you are it's there's no parts of my brain that he's broken Chris Rock he said the difference between they were talking to him about him and Chappell and he said Rock said he goes I go to sound check i I want to see the venue I want to see the how the Lighting's gonna be I want to hear the sound I want to know where everything is and and he goes Dave can just get on a plane land be asleep they wake him up and they're like it's Showtime and then he just walks out he goes so like the different you know that's his approach like Chris wants to know where like what is this gonna look like and and and have it have it like no surprises Dave is just like where are we yeah go do the show I'm not like Chris I don't think I've ever done a soundcheck really yeah I just I I can tell you what I don't like in sound mm-hmm but and not not to be obviously I guess I do do the same sized venues Chris Rock does theoretically I mean we're all doing the same sized venues it's a theater yeah so it's not like I mean yes I just tell him I'm very low in the monitors like it's like you know each other no never met Chris Rock either I met him once but he wouldn't know who the [ __ ] I was I've met Chappelle six or seven times including twice where I've opened for him and on the last time that I saw him he was like oh yeah man I've heard about you it's better that's better that's better that's better that they've they've met you a million times and then heard about you yeah who was I just talking to the other day that said I met someone god damn I was just talking to someone the other day and they were like I met someone who spoke at my graduation and and he goes and then all of a sudden I was working with them and I was like I was gonna go hey man you spoke at my graduation then he goes you know what guys like I'm a big fan of this guy's he's like don't even throw that hat in the ring yeah be like oh yeah cool it's like it's like now the thing is - it's like you when you put yourself in the mindset of like how many people does this guy meet how many people who come out of film engine yeah I was just like oh yeah yeah nice to meet you - yeah I I mean I've I I would I could guarantee Dave Chappelle would not know who I am I could guarantee I don't think so I could guarantee I don't think so Chris Rock wooden deaf know who the [ __ ] I am tele but they are both pretty aware especially Chris of like Kylie's really into the world of comedy who's out there who has specials he would he would pull it out you ready I'm gonna do list of comics you tell me if you think they know who we are you say yes you say no okay okay Jerry Seinfeld 100% no does not know who I am I already know that I think Seinfeld knows who both of us are both of us are is that a sentence call Sebastian he definitely knows because Jerry's also very into comedy so he knows there's no way he he's unaware like you've come across his Netflix queue Jerry watches Netflix - no absolutely he definitely thinks so he would wreck he'd be like oh he's weird to see you with a shirt on that's what Jerry would say if he met you a hundred percent Oh hundred percent oh I'm trying to cross passion but all I'm getting is his other number wait I want to wait who are the other ones let's go top ten top Jamie Foxx does not know who either of us are I would agree with that and I would say I would take it a step further here we go here we go I would take it a step further I would say that he would be disinterested upon learning who we are I would I think Jamie Foxx would be like anyway yeah okay go back go back Dave Chappelle duh I would say no for me he obviously knows who you are Chris Rock I would say no for me a hundred percent definitely knows it definitely knows who you are no I don't I don't think Stephanie that I'm not saying I know you're not I know you know but I definitely think he knows you are Jerry Seinfeld I know doesn't know who I am hungry no he I know he doesn't I went up after him he was like Louie CK knows who I am knows who you are - yes bill burr no does not know who I am no George Carlin knew who I was George Carlin was actually a fan of mine Richard Pryor used to give me props Eddie Murphy guess what definitely knows who you are definitely he does why are you going right now hey buddy we're recording a podcast I got we're playing a game and I need your you to weigh in here okay because I think you're the one that knows no I'm telling you Neil is the key okay okay we're playing a game where we're talking about very famous comedians and whether or not they know who we are and we're having disagreements because I'm saying that certain people I'm sure know who Bert is and he's like there's no way there's no way and I'm like actually I think they are pretty into what's going on like they they're aware of comedy and stuff so can I throw a couple names at you yes going with the gut with a gut in the guess okay so one of them okay I think we're going through the list you're going through the list okay so he said Dave does Dave know do you think dave has any awareness of who Bert is no I met him one time at the Dayton funny bone but let's skip over Dave no okay let's say we'll take the loss there three years ago when you first started to get this guy Tom Segura that's kind of how my dad pronounces it so I'll take that I'll take that's a victory all right now here's the one where I am convinced and partially because of knowing you that this person actually has at least knows he'll be like yeah I know that is Chris Rock he's into stand-up he knows what's going on and stand up I think he's seen I think he would meet Bert and be like oh how come you how come you wearing a shirt or something like that you know so do you no no yes or no cuz rock is afraid of being out of touch so he goes out of his way you know to remember is like people go on on Netflix and it's Urich exact there was a comic that was on the front page of Netflix that you didn't know you'd be like [ __ ] yes exactly now does that mean does this translate all the way to Seinfeld the Seinfeld have any awareness of who Burke you think do you think I'm gonna go no no okay anyway wait tell me why though why would he not know if he does okay cuz they seize them at the club and okay that makes sense and here's the big wine here's the big one that I'm betting on here okay and and you really are gonna make either make me look like I know what I'm saying or not is it possible that the great Eddie Murphy has some awareness of who Bert is I thought you said he was like I hate Bert Kreischer [Laughter] [Music] which isn't that but he's like is that the guy is like yeah do you think Cosby would Cosby like Bert I think I think so too yeah I don't but that is that's a good question yeah remember bird said no although although he did call me random his [ __ ] one time to pitch a movie to him well hold on a second Burgess said no he doesn't think that Will Smith would remember him but oh one time Will Smith called him to pitch him a movie it was like no I don't think I think it was because I don't think it was because he remembered me I think it was because I was pitching a movie and all the sudden Disney was interested and it came back to Jael who's his partner in jails like we've worked with him we'll reach out I think I don't think he just called you on your cell call me on my cell and was like yeah okay Bert actually you have great pitches he is an amazing amazing pitch guy you want to walk into it it depends what the pitch needs yeah yeah oh yeah no no no well it goes comes all yeah yeah it's it's quite an ordeal well look Neil I appreciate this hey wait I got to tell me or something okay so I was talking to my kids the other night and we were we were talking about we were talking Mike you know obviously for everyone not listening my cousin lived next door to your family we were talking about his family and we were talking about how many we were large families and about how many kids were in your family and one of my kids I won't put names out so no one gets in trouble but one of my kids goes Wow what is that like what do you have like 12 kids 10 I said 12 and one of my kids goes any special needs kids and I went no and they went wow that's impressive [Laughter] exactly which brother he's talking about all right Neil thank you new I appreciate it to call you later my buddy I'd like to thank our sponsors whoop both Tom and I are where I'm and this is the best fitness tracker I've ever used in my entire life it tracks your performance of sleep how your body's recovered the stress you put on your body throughout the day and it tracks your workouts if you use the strain coach you can then set it up and it'll tell you how hard you should work out based on the sleep you had the night before right now it's Mental Health Awareness Month this may and the current situation we're in in this quarantine it can't be more important to monitor monitor the stress put on our bodies and how we recover on a day-to-day basis as our routine changes I wake up first thing in the morning did you have any alcoholic drinks no having I had a caffeine no viewscreens in bed note a prescription medicine no no and then I take a look at how well I slept it's one of my favorite things I do it first thing in the morning and last night I got 80% today I can put I've already put a four-point strain on myself and I can put more strain it really is it is next [ __ ] level and based on how strenuous your day is the app will also have a sleep coach that'll tell you how long you should sleep and when you should be getting bed when you should be waking up based on the recovery you need to set performance goals for tomorrow from our listeners right now whoomp is offering 15% off with the code bears at checkout go to whoop calm and enter the code bears that's wh oo pee at checkout enter the code bears and say 15% off sleep better recover faster train smarter optimize your performance while we're all staying at home this is the only way to do it with whoop support for today's podcast comes from manscaped manscape has the right tools for the job Father's Day is right around the corner I know you love your father and if there's no it wouldn't it be great if you could give your father the satisfaction of getting like a blow job or having like and you can't but what you can do is help him have a better chance of getting one with manscaped have your dad shave his balls maybe trim around the base of his dong and who knows maybe your mom or your dad life partner will service him as a thank-you for Father's Day I love this pitch this is what I would like to do I'm gonna send my father a manscaped a new perfect package 3.0 number one recommended gift all year long has the cordless body trimmer at waterproof has the light on it cutting edge features ceramic blade it's incredible I love the manscape 3.0 he so all you got to do is get 20% off and free shipping with the code cave 20 at manscape comm that's 20% off with Free Shipping at manscape comm use our code cave2 zero it's dadbod season time to get smooth let's get your dad alone alright now here's the real question yeah and I know Neil's listen to this but here's the real question yeah do you think Mia would be a hundred percent honest or do you think it'd be fun to just go oh he definitely don't know I think I actually think he was being very I think he was being honest - I've already said at the very beginning I I just think I don't but I do think he he also I mean I was I was being very optimistic he did agree with rock rock knows rock knows oh yeah yeah yeah maybe maybe does but maybe I'll because I'm his brother's age Chris Rock Tony Tony and I are out together I by the way I don't I mean dead serious I don't think Tony Rock remembers Who I am but yeah you did around getting now though that like you're on the biggest platform doing stand-up multiple times like you're okay then that's a great [ __ ] question okay because how many times have you run into people that pretend not to know who you are but know who you are hmm I run into that more than people don't know who I am do you mean like strangers or no no no no comics like big comics that will go oh yeah I don't know who you are and they do and by the way it's not I'm being fair it is not the list we read from there's another list of comics yeah that are equally as big that have found success in different platforms where when you meet them they go yeah I don't know who you are and then they'll say something where you like hold on how did you know I did that and then you're like oh you [ __ ] liar right you've you've known you knew who I was the entire time yeah and you're talking about Arabs a meta med other guys Zack is Zack this week guys Zack is the one of the few people by the way he's very know when he when he sees you he reintroduces himself goes hey guys that Calvin actress he's yeah and he's also a [ __ ] laugher he's like he loved laughing was that he will laugh at [ __ ] like someone's really Marc Maron Eugene Mirman did not know who I was and did your podcast is it my podcast that's interesting yeah and we I think you'd heard of me but not like he was like he'd definitely never heard of them hey Sean Benjamin people always tell me I look like him H John mm-hmm yeah he's in New York people always are like I think it's John Benjamin yeah it's H Don yeah everybody I mean whenever he does something they're like hey Tom I didn't know you were in this thing and I'm like John Benjamin had a show called John Benjamin has a van yeah yeah and who but he's funny dude was he the guy who did this show there was a guy who had a show on Comedy Central where one of his sketches was hey man I got a new reality show called you can't film here and it was security going hey you can't film here he's like oh thanks for being on it emo knows who we are yeah yeah emo is a very sweet guy I don't think Tim Heidecker would have any clue who the [ __ ] I am Scott Aukerman would never know who the [ __ ] I am there's like no no no I don't think Scott Aukerman would look at my stand-up and go no that's what I'm talking let me go through this list and I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna I'm gonna say names and I'm gonna and they can dispute it but these are the people I don't know I'm not even gonna go with who Know Who I am I don't need anyone to know who I am although it does feel good in your own business that people acknowledge that you do that too for the force but um but here are the people that would not get what I do I think Maria Bamford would love what I do you think so I think she would totally get it and see what I do and go I don't need the shirt I get it it came off but I think he's a good comic I think Maria Bamford would love what I do she's phenomenal I think Bob Odenkirk would love what I do Pat and I know loves what I do II think I'm a [ __ ] genius I don't have a podcast with him in a little bit but I think Patton's [ __ ] great dear his [ __ ] DVR bet he used to do no but he is he is very very talented Sarah Silverman saw me get my ass waxed when I got my ass waxed and said it was one of her favorite things she's ever seen how did she see it she it was a long time ago used to get passed around like people would see it was on VHS and she saw me get my ass waxed and every time I saw her would be like that is the funniest thing I've ever seen louis c.k thinks i'm a very nice guy how do you know he's he just texted me or to email me the other day the other day whatever I was like a year ago he said I think you're a very nice guy no he said it's very nice to see the success I've had he says really yeah that's very nice - a really great text I was text her email email was an email I only have his email address I want his phone number and he said it's really nice to see the success you're having yeah he said uh yeah yeah I'm assuming it's in a special folder it definitely is by the way I keep I keep certain emails Patrice did he like you yeah he did but not my comedy like it like but I but in all fairness I'd only been doing it two years when I was around him so like he liked me so um did he tell you what you're doing with [ __ ] everyone tells stories about how he was like what the [ __ ] are you doing up there he used no his his uh he he was very it was very complimentary of what I did but he would take what I did and then fix it for me so like the perfect I mean I've told us a lot but the story remembered the joking he's talking about touching cops faces yeah that happened with him on a plane I get was getting cut off by a flight attendant and I didn't realize it was happening I knew it was happening I asked for a beer she can't she stopped and then leaned in and tell me I can't serve you anymore and I put my finger on her lips away and he saw that was like what the [ __ ] did you just do and getting it man he for that I know and he and she ended up letting me drink I told her I'm trying I'm trying I can't do two things at once and so let me see let me see your phone I'll find it I got it hang on their tour dates and a tour dates no no I'm not giving you my phone let me I can I'm not gonna do anything I'm not gonna do anything I'm just better at searching no I deal with him all the time no watch I got it your tour dates new tour dates l owe you I've been Lucy K comes up in my in my my dad text Burt do you know who Louie CK is when November was again that I do oh okay here you go no I don't know where it is just like we use on Nirvana no no this is I'm just not giving you my [ __ ] phones I don't trust I'm not gonna Bert I'm I don't trust you I'm not gonna do any of your phone just let me look come on I know I can tell you it was a year ago if I promise you I won't do something I'm not gonna go ahead and do something with your phone well you want to change the password I didn't even think of that Tom that's where my brain is so what are we talking about in do we see this this something I always wanted to do what lock your phone okay lock it hang on I'm so close to finding Louise 2020 no 2019 God definitely have to trim some of this out no we don't guys this is what it makes podcasting great here we go nope that's not it can you lock in hand it to me yeah okay just want to see I've always I think about this all the time okay it's a swipe up it worked no dude no it didn't wait let me see if I can do it what's your password well what's your password oh no I'm trying to look here's like one two three four five six no password anyway let's what were we saying but however we were on that list no Patrice Patrice was Patrice saw me touch that woman's face and then I tried it on stage we went we were flying to Scotland I tried it on stage and Patricia's like that it's not gonna work you're calling her a flight attendant you see she's a stewardess and he's like it's not gonna work that next morning at breakfast he was like he was still thinking about the joke I think I think I was ridiculous - Patrice yeah so to watch me interact it was just like it was real a real combination of like white privilege and frat boys [ __ ] that he had never been around and so he was like the next morning at breakfast he was like a cop needs to be a cop and I was like what he go say say you touched a cop's face that's [ __ ] cuz no one and then he broke down the concept to touch in someone's face he was like man when you ties that's a prison [ __ ] move like and then he theorized about touching someone's face about how when you touch her face you take the power away yeah so the fact that you touch a cop's face the guy with all the power you touch his face and then and then like just work him there and so I went onstage that night and I said you know what cops hate when you touch their faces and he was like that's the joke yeah so I am but then but but I don't but I drove definitely drove does it make you know you he should yeah he definitely should does he like you I think he does I mean I you know I think Demetri and I are on very different na different like I just worked there very different level oh yeah the same guy uh David Cross no he does not I met him in I met him doing a show together and not only he did he not know of me but Mulaney nose started to autograph something for me Mulaney knows who I am yeah Hussein knows who I am Maron knows who I am Eugene did not but does now Mike Birbiglia does H John does not Todd Barry definitely does Janeane does not although we did have a great [ __ ] do you think that that lady who just just pled guilty to the prison kinda looks like LeeAnn Lori Loughlin yeah I don't know you think she looks like LeeAnn at all no really you change my [ __ ] password Oh God um come on I didn't see Lori Loughlin in here no but I'm saying like when you see like those images right you've been seeing a lot of different of LeeAnn and different people that does look like LeeAnn oh yeah the other one yeah the other one was someone but that was like that was because it was the image was far away this I think looks like her what are you doing podcast you can email from Lori Loughlin it does not look like again that picture right go back even was the website at list I'll clean this up and then we'll move forward said her with Kirk Fox Eddy Janine and I had a great moment at what Yuma call it Eddie Izzard definitely does not know who I am Paul Tompkins does Geraldo did fly the corn of course doesn't his did greg Giraldo like you i don't know i mean yeah i think so he was very nice to me but I was so below him like I was working the door yeah he was a really cool [ __ ] dude and by the way yeah I caught I called him one time he was doing Mike he was doing cow head show and I called him to listen to him do radio and and then during commercial break now it's like hey Charles just see no birds on the line and he was like oh what's what what's he promoting and he was like nothing he just called to listen you on radio and he was like ha so sweet now I'm we ended up talking a little bit a Heidecker does not emo does Aukerman does not Norton does Reggie Watts does not Dana Gould does not eric weinheim does not Eddie Pepitone does Harlan does does sighs I think Kindler you think he's a big fan yeah yeah I think a little bit I think Kindler what I think Andy Kindler what he likes is to dislike something mm-hm and I think I give him a lot of stuff to dislike I think he looks at me and he he just starts pulling his [ __ ] hair out and he was like all I had to do is take my [ __ ] shirt off yeah I would pay money to watch Harris whittles has passed I don't think he did John Doerr does I think Greg Behrendt does Lapidus I don't know her Sean Colin okay or analyst all right Kathy Griffin does but wouldn't recognize me why because I I had met her a couple times I worked with her one time and then I saw her and she didn't know who I was do you push when you pee no no just let it out I used to push when I was in high school in high school excited of theory that it's if it sound speaking of Will Smith his stream is aggressively loud really yeah I took a piss next to Will Smith can you call him yeah that's right he's gonna be crazy how much he sounds like a white guy when he's not like on he almost sounds like a that like a little Smith huh yeah yeah yeah let's just see what happens speakerphone okay there we go he does that like if he doesn't know that people are listening he sounds like a bro like he doesn't even sound black I'm just saying you'll hear it oh hey it's Burt what are you your on my podcast yeah yeah our podcasts are sixty-nining right now good good how's Tampa do you still get Fresh Prince honey let me call you let me call you I'll call you right back okay there's a guy I know named Will Smith [Laughter] and you're like yo bro it's on I used to do that I used to save friends in my phone as Tom Cruise and so Lorenzo would call and it would say Tom Cruise I got [ __ ] sent it to voicemail and they're like Tom Cruise is calling you right now I was like I don't want to talk to that [ __ ] guy what was the last time you got in a fight I can tell you the last time I got into a confrontation okay it was 2009 in that's the hello in January or February of 2009 and this was a physical confrontation well I was going down 6th Street in in LA and I was turning into the Brea Tar Pits I was shooting my special the very next weekend my comp I was really dumb I was turning left into the Tar Pits to go onto that to park and there was a like a Mexican dude kind of like I'm like like taller it's hard to explain but like a an ethnic dude like Latino maybe and he was walking slow across the thing and I'd already started turning and he slowed down and looked at me like [ __ ] you and he had a backpack on and I went and I honked and I scared the [ __ ] out of him and his backpack jerked up over his head and I started laughing and then I [ __ ] zoomed around him and he wouldn't lost his shades I go and I put it in park threw it in reverse and and i zoomed up to him I said what the [ __ ] did you say and he got in my window to fight me and he smiled he had adult braces and I thought I don't want any piece of that kid that is a kid whose parents did not give a [ __ ] about a smile he grew up with no privilege that is a kid who's had to scrap his way through life and now he's probably in [ __ ] Community College right God has worked his way out of prison Community College and the one thing he noticed is that you don't get far in life with all jacked up teeth and he's trying to fix it himself and Here I am diverting him back on the path of badness of he's gonna get in a fist fight go to prison he goes oh just get my life [ __ ] straight I got my dope braces and everything and so I [ __ ] took off Wow yeah I assessed that I'm always the last time you actually like hit somebody it's gotta be College yeah I haven't punched someone in a long time you know what I never got to do I always wanted to do what like try hit someone with my elbow like did you ever have famous Seeley's of how you would fight people yeah of course I would have I still have this is guys talking [ __ ] in his car mhm goes to get out of his car and I kicked the door on his head like as he opens oh yeah I kicked the door and it hits his head he goes unconscious yeah I think I fantasized about that yeah actually I fantasize about the door slam I've never done the door slam but I'm saying I've fantasized I've fantasized about it I've fantasized about fights a lot considering I don't fight at all like I don't fight yeah and I it's even more so now that I'm that I'm an adult if someone cuts me off in traffic and talk [ __ ] to me what I do is I let them win I reward that bad behavior because I know that if I do that they will see value in that bad behavior and they'll continue that bad behavior until one day they run into a [ __ ] MMA fighter like Brendan Schaub who decides to scrape the [ __ ] cement off the driveway with her face yeah yeah so I'm like keep doing it man I'm doing your winnings there you go I go no I stutter so like I say I cut you off in traffic and then light me up okay I'll be in the car next to you just pull up okay light me up okay hey what the [ __ ] good and then I Spit my own car right and then they go what the fees spitting his own car and then they take off they go I [ __ ] killed that yeah yeah you're playing mind games with them yes but one time I remember this is like one of my early like it for me it's like very la I was on living on the east side of town I met a gas station off the 101 that is like in a it used to be a super dicey neighborhood as one of the neighborhood's I started to shift into like hipster neighborhoods right but they're still it's it's on the line amazing the softest white people are the ones that shift it yeah yeah I know crazy but then you saw this no backbone no knowing how to fight up there there tight pants skinny take a real break over [ __ ] video they were the ones and by the way that gentrification [ __ ] is hated by people of color is that Amit and these are that we get it we wrote headphones if we want to talk I don't know yeah you know I'm just I heard you earlier Tom though I'm sorry that you wanted to know what happened well no I just heard you earlier say that you've always you said you wanted to elbow someone in the face yeah is there is there video coming I'm sorry I'm certain there's a video coming what is it no not yet but can we finish the thought then you'll go to this okay just tell me well I was gonna just offer my face if you wanted to help oh it what for us both no just for Tom I can elbow you in the face yeah I'm uh if you want to do that like I'm a company man and if that will make you happy I'm I'm open to doing that yeah yeah hundred foot okay yeah let's talk about it after the show and okay okay sounds good ma'am no all right Jesus sorry so I've never had anybody volunteer do something like that elbowed in the face where do you album in the cheek or the teeth well that's the thing is I would us interesting I would think that the goal I would want to do either the front or or like I area you know just destroy someone yes hole orbital bone crack this come in wait what were we just saying I have no idea about you were telling me about your gentrified day oh my god sorry I move this and I'm going to to work early morning like you know rush hour yeah stop for gas and I'm pulling rush hour but there was an Asian guy in the car he touched your radio and you said don't ever touch a Walkman yeah exactly so I'm as I'm putting gas in the car I had no I've told the story before but I it has stuck me for [ __ ] 15 years putting gas in the car you know it's it's probably 7 8 o'clock in the morning or something a car I guess had gotten gas and is zipping through the gas station parking lot like way too fast oh yeah so as I'm putting the gas in this guy go throne-like between cars and between the islands you know and so I just looked up and I was like Chuck took my head and like you know the other guy putting gas in his car looks over and is like you know just like what a [ __ ] it's like nonverbal right yeah shake your head like what a dick and then I just hear and this dude went in Reverse and he pulls up and then hits the brakes this guy isn't a piece of [ __ ] I mean rusted out shitty 25 year old car this is what is great about men okay is that men assess at the fact that you're describing his car you have done a profile of this in your head already my wife does not do these profiles this is a [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] box he is he has black hair that is like like a mullet like long in the back he's got on like a trucker hat and he has a thin black must that not fully grown in like just a little bit and he looks like a piece of [ __ ] like he looks strung out kind of something I just hear zips back hits the brakes and he goes what's up dawg like like that from his car and I'm and I look up like talking to me yeah what's up he goes you're acting like you know me homie oh my god this guy or has already won the fight with me oh yeah and I was like huh he's like what's up and this is because he saw me go like this shake my head he broke the law and then he saw you disapprove of him breaking the law and I do like what you I do the assessment this guy he looks smaller it looks I mean like a totally different class of human yeah and he's in like and I look at the whole thing and I just go no and he was like as he's looking at me he goes and I [ __ ] rip smoke zips out of the place now in my mind in that quick assessment I thought this is someone willing to murder for seeing someone shake their head amazing I I really did think that I remember right the easing individual that needs to be cast in something Oh like a reality show where it's just like called roll the dice he's for sure dead there's no way he's a lot those guys not alive but that's like when you hear in the news like this morning at a gas station somebody [ __ ] shots that's the guy that's the guy that end there that guys like if you looked at his face the car everything I think looking back on it now you go mess this is a real like a legit meth head you know yeah as folks adapt to this changing world we're all gonna be buying more stuff online than ever I know for a fact I have and I know as an e-commerce seller myself with website / / Bergamo you're selling more stuff online are you ready to meet the demands of the new delivery culture ii culture be ready with shipstation why shipstation because getting online is selling a lot faster can be tough but how do you can't keep track everything with ship carriers do you use are you getting the best rates with ship station it is the fastest easiest most affordable way to manage end ship your orders just a few clicks and you'll be managing orders printing out labels and getting your product out to happy customers ship station makes it so much easier if you're selling on Amazon Etsy or your own website ship station brings all orders onto one simple interface making them really easy easy to manage from any device even your cell phone what I love the most about ship station as they work with all the major carriers USPS FedEx UPS even Amazon Fulfillment so you can compare and choose the best sipping chute shipping solutions for you and knowing that you also get the discounts that are usually reserved for large fortune 500 companies knowing you'll always be getting the desk best deal no wonder they're number one on the online sellers they're the number one choice right now to bear bears kaiba listeners can try shipstation for free for sixty days when you get use the offer code cave make sure your business is ready to meet the demands of delivery culture get started at shipstation comm today click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave that is shipstation comm then enter the code cave shipstation comm make [ __ ] happen there is there is a way to run through life just headfirst like a bull where you don't bump into a bunch of people until you do mmm-hmm until one time you do where it's like you know it's like it's like and I love one of my favorite things in the world is gonna I'm gonna sound like it's like oh one of my favorite things in the world are those videos of young kids in a public situation being the bull in the china shop yeah and no one's gonna talk back to me and then an old man fixing it yeah did you ever did you ever see the video on the subway of the guy Youngblood that guy where the kid was going around just mad Dawg and everyone mm-hmm and he goes you picked a wrong [ __ ] and this guy gets up he looks like he's been painting houses or something but he is a big man and he beats the [ __ ] out of three kids really beats the [ __ ] please tell me you can find this type in Youngblood Train Youngblood train fight no that's goddamn it just trained fight old man train fight it's not to call the ambulance the best thing no no no train fight you just type in train fight and then type an old man or older man okay this is him train fight William Nelson's brutal they're here yeah okay okay oh this is awesome so wait hold on let me set it up okay because I don't think this is the full anyway by the way before you play this we were talking about you know fight fantasies yeah for 15 years I've had fantasies about having played that different with that psycho in the gas station wait how did that that's why it's okay okay those I imagine going I imagined him going like what's up dog and I'm just going what's up and then him being like you act like you know me and then instead of being like mm-hmm just walking over to the car and since he's in the car so he I always thought like he maybe has a gun he looks like someone who would probably carry a gun yeah but like yet going over punching through the window not the windows down like poking through the opening and beating the [ __ ] out of him in the parking lot and then having his car because slowly roll back like into the actual building just yeah with him passed out you know can I tell you my fantasy as you told me the story I had a fantasy so uh so say it to me okay what's up dog hey what's up you acting like you know me homie Tim is it Tim oh and then I walk up to the car I'm sorry I thought you were God I do [ __ ] know you and you're a [ __ ] that's my fantasy it's pretty good one I can really quickly go into fantasies can I tell you a hard core secrets like there's some rage beneath the Sun has been burnt that we don't know about I have never ever ever ever told and I'm debating let's watch this first and then I'll do it and I felt like just so you know right then you're gonna be like I killed a black person one time just a person alright let's see this fight video this didn't know and just to set the scene cuz this is a seven minute fight this kid has been I think tormenting just about everyone on the train and by the way I don't know if that's really what happened but in my head and then your head in my head he's been tormenting everyone in this thing in the right video this is the right video okay I'm so excited [Applause] he's growing bigger way bigger whether he was painting houses yeah oh this is aggressive now watch this watch this this is big mistake you [ __ ] with the wrong one today now look this is the big mistake he's out unconscious and the guy comes back and he puts his hands up he's already this poor kid learned how long is this this guy's done no don't do it again man oh no I won't get out of the way look he's going to get the other one what this is so [ __ ] up this is why you do not [ __ ] with anybody is it the same guy named guy guys unconscious he doesn't know where he's going why they don't have a black woman commentating UFC like this woman here is beyond me I press pause a second so was this kid harassing I think this kid was going through like Mad Dog and people by the way this is the back story in my head I don't think Oh cuz he yeah I don't know if can you just see him seeping in sight pull up William Nelson's Brut these are real people go already I already I accept how do you pull up these say exact same names I guarantee you this at went to court that's how we know their name right right right William Nelson by the way you may need to bleep out their names I wonder what city is that in Colorado I'm guessing it went crazy that I just thought that here we go Maryland no I was very wrong okay someone want to really get bigger can do that can read outloud yeah make it bigger and Oviatt alright Metro Transit Police have arrested a Maryland man for assault of another passenger on the metro train William Nelson 50 to Morningside Maryland has been charged with felony assault for the incident that happened last Sunday around 1:00 a.m. okay whose all this one day hold on ahem Jose Nelson punching 46 year old Anthony that was a 46 36 year old man as it was traveling through the and costea and Congress height station scroll down Thomas told Fox he was attempting to stop an altercation between Nelson and two teenagers on the train so you did have some information yeah Thomas it all started when Nelson started cursing at the teenagers after they put their feet up on the seat behind him the dispute turned physical as Nelson started hitting the kids Thomas then got involved and suffered a broken jaw fractured cheekbone and the beating else required seven stitches for his lip these are scheduled for surgery almost God put a plate in ah oh no I I just want I'm gonna read this this is I'm saying this as a public service announcement this is a public service announcement for respect meaning respect other human beings 100% and realize that any human being at any point in their life will give you the possibility that you will be drinking through a straw for the entire time that they put a plate in your head that is why you don't [ __ ] with anyone because you'd never know and I hope there's a fifteen-year-old feet on the chair [ __ ] feet on the chair they put their feet these kids put your foot on his chair you put the foot all you did was put a foot on so much chair and the guy said hey man get your foot down and you went nah that's cuz you're young and you think you got everything [ __ ] solved dude that is the most brutal beating I've ever seen yeah and by the way it's crazy when I would I take away from it um yeah is that he I was like he clearly got done painting houses well he was he had like workman's boots on he had it's like it's amazing your memories so yeah you know like in an Agatha Christie movie they tell you the things you remember like you know and I was like you definitely got done paint by the way do we have any comments YouTube comments is there something to show oh yeah these are got to be insightful this is the canary or a meme post or anything like that yes yes okay Oh all right here's from Karolina Tom is the exact bad influence that every mom warned their kid about from wait what's this comments on our on our on our show I thought this was like oh no it's like how the [ __ ] we not get up dinner her I'm just switching it up oh yeah yeah yeah you're right about yeah respect people in person especially because that's why and by the way how many times have you had in an incidence where I know that I have had them where dude smaller than me or guy pulls up threw in the thing and you let it go and you walk away feeling like a portion of a man that you didn't stand up for yourself all right when somebody and know that that is the [ __ ] outcome that you avoided right by just going so sorry man they're respecting about like I've been in movie theaters where someone puts their feet my chair and turned around alright dude I please don't do that and they're like okay but yeah it can go any way someone could be like nope which is just [ __ ] that's just rude it's disrespect I had an incident I had an incident with I don't ever want to get beat up in front of my kids course traveller Johnson told me a story one time who's Trevor Thompson he played for FSU and playing the NFL for like ten years yeah that's a tackle that he was at a peewee game and Travis Johnson is like 65 300 I mean you know he played professional [ __ ] football for ten seasons yeah and he said that um one of the other kids dad's was starting to get into it with him and he was like being like you know trying to de-escalate the situation the guy kept barking and he he said that he he told the guy if you don't shut the [ __ ] up I'm gonna beat your ass in front of your son and he'll never forget the day that his father got his ass kicked and he said the guy was like good call yeah thanks for the reminder man goddamn it man let's I can I tell you my one goal in life is to go through life without my daughter see me getting beaten up in my front yard I don't think that's gonna happen I give it give a shout-out to these gangbangers okay I don't know who you are I don't know I don't know what I by the way I'm being very vague about this yeah there was a period there's one night in my life I was in the car with my family my daughters I was in the backseat LeAnn's dad was in the front seat Liam was driving huh I had a few pops right and traffic was bumper to bumper to bumper and if we were trying to get across Hollywood and I don't remember exactly what I did but I said something like [ __ ] you to someone who was blocking the street and it was for gangbangers in a [ __ ] hoopty who then flipped a [ __ ] on Sunset or whatever Franklin and followed us and it was bumper-to-bumper but we were catching lights that they weren't catching and they were running through them they were running through them to get up to [ __ ] get me I remember this so vividly you want to give them a shout out because they pulled up next to our car ready to fight and one of them saw that I was with my kids and Leanne and they just went and took off they actually chose not to pull me out of the car and beat the living [ __ ] out of me I remember that so vividly I remember that so we were driving down vine and I remember that they pulled up and they were Rhett and I don't even know I yelled something stupid yeah like [ __ ] you suck my dick and my window is down and I knew they were chasing us Leanne didn't know they were chasing us her dad didn't know they were chasing us our daughters didn't know but I knew they were coming after us so I'm thinking oh my god what did i do I just yelled something stupid out of a car window some people are violent for a living who liked to be violent and they pulled up next to us like we're cars park on the side they pulled up right next to us and they were just next to us so the drivers side I was in the back left and they were drivers head was right up next to us and the driver just looked at us smiled went no and I went and I think they saw it on my face like I don't want this to happen either and he just took off that's nice I remember I got to give a shout out to those gang bears for not killing me that night that's very nice of them and I Jemaine I'm telling you that's why I don't like computation is maybe a competition at all because I always feel like it could escalate into a can they can into that [ __ ] right there should we go back to those comments or no memes posts any of those say the wait I'm Tim laughs with that face when he agrees with Byrnes premise gets me every [ __ ] time keep it high in tight jeans all right thanks Steve Carlson Burt all religions are cults Burt twenty minutes later I can start a religion god I love these two so much Cody Vaught wrote Burt is now openly arguing why not just be delusional as a life philosophy by the way I have thought about that a lot because I was like I was like what is wrong with me that I go because it's it's so true is like I I keep thinking thank God that that that [ __ ] turned out though did you see that list the top 25 comedians of all time 125 are Bert Kreischer shout out to chase leopard he made that chase libertas quit a great stuff a stray leopard really is by the way chase leopard I'll give him another shout-out because I know he's gonna rip this and put this on his Instagram cuz he's good like that yeah you mentioned something on a podcast like you know one time I did this chase leopard will find it rip it put it on his Instagram and then I can post it you share it on mine yeah my ass wax my [ __ ] anything I've ever done chase leopard has had the ability of finding immediately he is he won a blackberry when I had a promotion with black bear he won but very so like a year ago maybe more I just started reposting things from blackberry like those like what an awesome phone I didn't reposted it [ __ ] are you posting this cuz it's an awesome phone and they were like no it's not it's a piece of [ __ ] and everybody super mad and then I kept posting it and then blackberry was like do you want a blackberry and I was I had to love one [Laughter] and then they were like can we partner with you yeah oh I had a giveaway where I was like hey you get what the premise was and he he won the black dude let's start a corporate partnership with name it like let's just decide we want to start a quarter partnership and then they've got it because we'll bully them into it oh that's a great philosophy i dude I love that more than anything I was like 3 wheel cars you know I mean you've seen those bikes yeah that trike a trikes mean with two up front one man or one up front and to him back I think two up front one and back I see those riding around sometimes what are those called I had when I was doing Bertha conquer yeah yeah the fat grizzly no no Jesus Christ yeah but I'm saying there's like oh I was thinking you know we should do our there's like a car one where it's all you got to do here's the age around it this is how it works okay this is how a corporate this is let me start that over this is how a corporate sponsorship works in today's day and age tell me you find someone with not so much of a social media presence okay you then blow up their social media and say like I tried to do it the other day with um with the NFL NFL store the NFL online store huh I was like what Jersey would you wear for the rest of quarantine and all of a sudden they've got like 4,000 replies and the N F stores L stores like wait what they only have 20,000 followers I did it with combos one time yeah this is the best one I ever did was combos came out with blue cheese and buffalo wing sauce combos yeah and I was like you've read to find my palate I can't stop thinking of new flavors I want hey guys hey guys send your new flavors you want for combos and then all of a sudden combos hits me up they're like dude thank you so much like how can we repay you and I was like bro I'm a fan just combos yeah and they sent me boxes and boxes of combos and that's all I wanted was I want combos that's it if you love a brand that doesn't have that much of a social media presence then you find you know free water flip-flops that's my foot flops I just hit them up I love their flip-flops and I just hit them up in the edge brings us to a great point Rolexes McLaren oh by the way oh I can't I went over to Bert's house this morning I want you to go online I want you to look at luxury cars would look just go on and on their Twitter luxury cars with low um you're not gonna find it through a search you're gonna have to spend the time doing it nobody know but with a low in Twitter's go on Twitter and type in because you know what we could do what I wouldn't mind giving away a luxury car yeah them to give us a car that we east drive for a week and then give it to a fan yeah I would love that yeah as I don't want to lose your car I have no interest in luxury cars it's so bizarre I actually so I'm gonna tell you I sell the story I'm sure yeah I'm gonna talk all over you anyway Tommy was supposed to have a meeting today and he didn't his meeting was canceled me was like ham right by your house he called me he's like you want coffee I was like I was like bleep did I [ __ ] up when two bears on K bar and so I went out and he was in a gorgeous yeah this thing is 71 es Spyder yeah McClaren it is mild I'm saying like it is neighbor walks outside and walks around in a couple times gorgeous which happened my neighbor literally saw it heard it and walked out and did a couple laps it's stunning it's a stunning car it is amazing I wish I and then he was like you wanna go for a ride and I was like I don't really care about this ship but Leanne really does Leanne really by the way it was she was hurt and the aunt was screaming and cheering and clapping she turns into like primal yeah it turns it was like old Leanne she was like why would she was kicking the [ __ ] - I thought at first when she screamed I thought she was screaming like oh my god slow down she was like do that again go get it Tommy go get it yeah she [ __ ] lost her [ __ ] so I'm sitting out front Leanne and Tom go for a ride and just pulling out the street it was like wrong and I could hear Lian go she goes I'd be losing my muscles I was losing my muscles in that card Bert and they go for a ride and George is like is there a wild animal in front of our house and then George is like by the way like six three now yeah I know Georgia text me and she's like what's going on out there cuz she heard Leanne scream and Tom yeah but and I said come outside so Georgia comes outside and she goes where's mom and I said mom's on a ride with Tom she's like what and then all of a sudden Tom pulls up and Georgia sees this car and loses her mind she's like who's Georgia's 15 she turns 16 in like a week and she lit we've been looking at cars and she's like oh my god and then I go want to go for ride with Tommy she was like for real gets in the car I wasn't in the car but I will tell you I wasn't in the car boy tell I so I didn't know any of what happened I just heard you cross a street yeah and I was like oh my god I kept down to this stop sign and I was like Lee ready she was like yeah and then I go up to the next light and I'm punch it and I go it's gonna be fun she goes this is fun I was because she was more reserved like the end spot and you're like oh we haven't even started yet I was like I go you're gonna feel this though so then we get to the on-ramp and we that's what Leanne said then goes the on-ramp Bert she goes it we went zero to 40 and like us less than a second it is it's it's lightning fast it's so it's so fast then we're just like zipping around the freeway always respecting the steep speed limit and then I you know I find an exit to get off and I was like fun right she's like that's so fun this is Georgia yeah that's so fun I was like oh I go you think your dad would do that like this and she was like no and I go why not I go y'all think he'd like to drive that she goes he wouldn't know where to go fast and I go wait what she goes he would go fast in like a parking garage and I go really and she goes but then on the freeway he'd be like you never know what a car can come out she's a backseat driving her for so long and I Drive her [ __ ] nuts I'm like oh my oh my she said he would he would like hit something in a parking garage and on the freeway he'd be like you never know when a car can come out I I fill her up with the most useful driving knowledge yeah like I'll go all right see this guy over there with the tape on his rear view mirror she's like you're yeah and I go on a side mirror I go this guy doesn't give a [ __ ] about life okay he broke off his window he's not gonna get a fish mirror it's not gonna get a fix he's just taped it on this guy does not he's not looking for you he's not looking for anything he's just dealing hit with his breakup so [ __ ] this guy she's like how do you know this I just look at him it's it's what we do yeah when you size up cars around you yeah that guy goes okay this car up here it's a Range Rover but it hasn't been washed in months that's a [ __ ] liberal woman who's against the environment like it for the environment she has no idea how to drive a car she doesn't deserve that [ __ ] car you tell her this every time all the time and so she I read people on the street based on their car and how they behaved her what would you have said if you were in another car you saw me in that car I go now that guy has a small dish it's so funny because you either pulled up and I was just gone it's true I know you know me dawg you acting like you know me homie I Leanne left and I saw and I I knew that car I know that guy right yeah and I was like I was like do I immediately I was like want for a car like that and I was like no yeah but I don't know why I don't and I wish I did know why it's so funny if I know you and Joe love cars I love Chris I took Chris for a ride in the other Mick and the McLaren GT the other day and we were talking about how whenever you see one of these cars you're like and someone punches it drives that you're like what a [ __ ] [ __ ] always you're always what a [ __ ] [ __ ] and then he's like but then as soon as you're in the car you're like this is a [ __ ] like when you're in it and you're doing it you're like this is amazing and then as soon as you step out you see someone else do it you're like this guy's a prick dude it's so funny because I don't know what it is that I want that is the equivalent of that car like I was trying to think of it today I was like it's so cool that you got into a position in life where and it should be noted that you're not like dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars to drive this car no it's it's a it's it's a press car to press car yes but it's cool that you can leverage your hard work for a treat like that experience yeah you like yeah yeah and I was like and it's even cooler for me to let Georgia two weeks before she's about to turn 16 yeah getting a car like that it's like really cool is cool but like I don't technically care about cars I was like what the [ __ ] do I care about like what do I care about like remember when we first talked started talking about flying private we're like that'd be so [ __ ] amazing yeah and I was like I love that but it's not worth the money for me so like it's not worth it for me right what is the thing I can't find it I don't know what it is for me I don't know man I mean those things I think just naturally come to you I mean there's you know there's always like you can go on any like social media sea activities somebody's driving a car going fishing shooting guns jumping out of planes these are all adrenalin things I guess and it's like some of them click with you and some don't do you know what it is there's gonna sound people like Pro Wrestling you know some people do it by the way I'm obsessed with this new thing dark side of the Ring oh yeah it's so [ __ ] good well on Vice on Vice it's so [ __ ] good I've heard is really unwell people have told me about it yeah you don't think I get brought every dude one of us steps in [ __ ] we both smell it I know oh I gotta tell you this one that's a [ __ ] brilliant foot did I just come up with that way I gotta tell you like the Corsican twins with an Internet drama so Cristina ever since like the kids were even smaller especially Ellis Ellis is now four when he was like two sixteen months whenever she saw somebody let's say walking across the street where they shouldn't or somebody smoking a cigarette she goes that's a dum-dum and she would tell that's a dum-dum right there you know and tell him told him told him so the other day he's been taking night shits where he like like I put him to bed and then he'll come me like this is like not too late but I'm like he's already supposed to be down for an hour I'm like what's up he's like I gotta go poopoo all right so I had been on the roof smoking a cigar yeah and I go down I'm like alright alright so he sits he sits down he takes his [ __ ] and then I wipe him and then he goes what is that I go what he goes makes like a big dramatic snow ghost you don't smell that then I go hey it's probably your [ __ ] he was like what's that smell I put together that it's the cigar I go oh I was outside and somebody was burning something he goes you're lying to him like you're four I know I gotta say he's burning something he goes was somebody smoking oh my god I think so he goes was it a dum-dum oh yeah no idea he's like time comes shook his head that's a dum-dum what's a dum-dum oh I love that you lied back to him like you were four Oh someone's building a fire of cigars out there is a cigar burning wait what was the last thing you were gonna say you were gonna say something else [ __ ] yes you were I cut you off to tell you that for once I cut you off oh remember what was that what were we talking about I don't know you step in [ __ ] wrestling and then I was like I tell you this thing about I don't know it's not about I really I remember dark side of the Ring one of us steps to [ __ ] the other we both smell it that was I liked I just like that phrase no I like that phrase it's amazing because people always like that when that whole thing went down every meeting I walked into they're like what's up with that or that like it's crazy - now everyone's coming to me like how much did Rogan get I was like I have no [ __ ] idea like what it like I always just make up numbers in meetings and I just tell them they're like how much I go 750 million dollars and they're like what and they're like are you like per episode yeah they're like how much was he getting per episode nose like a hundred and fifty million dollars per episode like I just make up numbers but I think that's the fun of this business of course I mean god dammit Spotify keeps calling us the we got a rap do we really yeah what do we know what did we not talk about we didn't talk about Bert's football story bulgur and football story I don't know is from last year there's no way he's gonna prompt his memory we got a run yeah okay thanks guys hey hold on did we forget anything I feel like we do we forget anything I don't know you're gonna announce some shows you're gonna do so no yeah yeah we're gonna now so soon I fit a new shirt and shirt go - Bert Bert Bert calm a whole bunch of MU that's what I want to talk about the two bears one cave merch yeah those where do we get those I want the tie-dyed shirt they sold out they sold out those are [ __ ] awesome I know there's a whole bunch of other new ones can we do when we do merge that we get one too because I love our merch okay yeah yeah yeah of course I love my merch too but armor is just [ __ ] awesome we'll do it merch method calm slash Thompson girl for all that other stuff and the hats should be there soon Bert I love you I love you too Tommy all right bye guys Bert [Music] one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories and Bert's not machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep a clean ears rep the call to bears homepage no scripts appear taboos amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave [Music]

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 892,020

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: JB20z3qMvr0

Length: 95min 56sec (5756 seconds)

Published: Mon May 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ICA_Agent47]

lmao, Nadav offering his face for Tom to elbow. Came outta nowhere

[u/auchvielegeheimnisse]

October can't come soon enough for Tom. Couple more weeks of quarantine and he'll look like the Michelin Man

[u/whistletipss]

Bert saying that Rogan is in the conversation of being a GOAT is hysterical. Rogan's comedy is sometimes funny. He's not a bad comedian at all. But he's no where near even a top 10 spot. He's an incredible podcast host and MMA commentator. But comedy...? lmao.

[u/Jazz-Mojo]

Haha Bert found out the Karl Malone history the hard way.

He's a "class act" alright.

[u/Frapcaster]

The topic of "who has heard of Bart" is really not worth dedicating this much time to.

[u/Ficadin]

They both need to leave their phones with Nadav next episode because the cold calling and name dropping just kills the conversation.

[u/SamKenz]

It didn’t happen much this episode but does anyone else feel like when Bert has a go at Nadav it‘s not in the ‘Haha’ way Tom does it....?

[u/eviljasonsukanec]

Oh sure let's spend half an hour discussing who Bert thinks knows him in the industry.

The oversaturation of podcasts has become very cringey, and I love it.

[u/Evergreener11]

Does anyone know any details about Bertram's hat? Apparently alcoholism, obesity, and racism gives him incredible taste in head wear.