Enneagram: Subtypes of Type 9

what is up beautiful people look at this I'm back in my office I have the normal background behind me but there's still not normal because now I'm recording with my iPad I was recording with my iPhone and that worked well but you know it's like you use up all your memory and I can't tell you what I've used my memory up on because it's all under other and so you got to figure that one out anyway I just thought well I can't use my phone to record the video I'll try using my iPad may even look better who knows but today we are gonna be talking about Enneagram type 9 and we're gonna be looking at the instincts or the subtype of type 9 the three subtypes of type 9 and honestly it's been such a crazy week you know with this coronavirus and everything and also just busy busy busy stuff I got all my notes here and I haven't gone over these notes today yet but I'm just said if I don't get this done then I may never get it done and that's something that I think 9s you guys that are nines you could learn from right there is just sometimes in fives as well want to get it done right and so that desperation of wanting to get it done right and that 9s of well I don't want to mess up I don't want it I want to make sure it's going to be successful it can keep you from ever taking action and so you guys that are in the withdrawn category you know the fives fours and 9s sometimes you have to just get it done you have to just I know enough to know enough let's get it done and so you got to just move to action and sometimes you got to be willing to risk you know maybe not getting everything said the way you want it to be said in order to just get it said okay so let's talk about the nine the subtypes and of course we're going to start with the self-preservation this yeah the self-preservation nine and sometimes called the referee or the advisor and I've talked about that on my other videos about how this nine can sometimes be like a referee or an advisor that's a nine eight and often this you know this nine does to me sound a little bit like a nine eight but this nine self-preservation nine is called the appetite nine or the comfort seeking nine or the collector nine and I envision this nine wearing work boots okay this is the work boot nine the next nine that we're going to talk about in a second the social nine I think is the dress shoes nine so the dress shoes nine and then the last nine the sexual nine I think of as the sandals nine the guy wearing sandals okay so we'll get to that in a second so let's go back to the work boots nine the self-preservation nine this nine uh wants what he wants not always what he needs and can be satisfied with relatively little in terms of comfort simple pleasures right but there's an appetite there that just never seems to be satisfied so this nine you know it's it's kind of like this nine has decided that well maybe I won't be loved in this life maybe no one will ever really love me for me so I've got to resign myself to not being loved and instead I'm gonna search for comfort as a compensation for giving up on this need for love and again none of that's going to be processed that's not going to be a conscious thought but when you dig deep into this Ninus and what it means for this nine it's kind of like you know I've just got to accept the fact that life is what it is and people may not really truly ever know me and love me so I might as well just focus on the concrete things that are right in front of me that can satisfy me they can make me comfortable that can sustain me so this nine the self-preservation substitutes comfort and maybe fun and they may be very fun-loving people but they substitute comfort and fun for what they should be getting in terms of love from other people they can get stuck in their side tasks and be asleep a little bit to their real needs one of the questions I asked nines in in coaching is I'll ask them you know what is it you need to be doing right now because nines tend to put off what they need to be doing in order to do other things they can distract them away from really having to sort through their priorities by the way if you're new to my channel my name is dr. Tom Lee Hugh and I do any Graham videos you can go to my website the description is below or if you want more information if you want a book a coaching appointment I do them all week all around the world through Skype and FaceTime and even zoom now sometimes you can book appointments if single appointments if you just want to work through something specific or coaching plans all the information is there in my website and also a couple of courses that I've done and have put up they're all available there on the website if you haven't subscribed yet I would encourage you to do that so you always know when you know new videos new information comes up the goal of this channel is just to help you understand yourself and be more compassionate with yourself and to help you understand the people that you love so let's get back to the nine this nine is the toughest of the three 9s the self-preservation 9 well it makes sense right self-preservation you're gonna preserve yourself so you're gonna be tough this nine needs specific comforts but not always good at making those needs known you know 9s don't always step up and speak up for themselves and so they may not be very good very clear and making their needs known just kind of a hopeful expectation that you're gonna know what they need or that I can take care of my needs independently so they don't really want to talk about what's going on on the inside of them and they may not want to share a lot about you know their feelings they may not even be in touch much with their feelings and their thoughts to be able to express those clearly well all nines suffer from something like you might call it self forgetting okay all nines Tinder's like forget their own needs their own wants their own desires our own dreams this one does too although this one has a list of once it's kind of substitute once it's like instead of being in touch with my real dreams and my real desires of what I want and want to accomplish and being in touch with my own sense of power and voice and identity since I'm not in touch with those then I'll be in touch with these other lesser wants you know for things for pleasures for comforts ok so this so forgetting this going to sleep to yourself and then this 9 the self preservation 9 wakes up - well what's right around me that you know that is comfortable that that brings pleasure that is fun that feels good okay and so this 9 self preservation 9 can go to sleep to their own sense of being and who they essentially are and distract themselves from the pain of being disconnected with those deeper desires in those deeper emotions the self preservation 9 you know finds a lot of fulfillment and routine activities everyday satisfaction of appetites because routines don't require thought they don't require you to get in touch with your agenda or with your priorities in life you're able to just kind of move into routines and that's comforting routines can be comfortable even though they can be destructive they can be comfortable because they're familiar and it's what you're used to the self preservation 9 focuses on physical comfort and activities as a way of satisfying their physical needs they tune out their agendas for life they tune out their wishes their feelings and are tuned into immediate experiences and concrete needs again not metaphysical needs I think the sexual nine is a lot more metaphysical okay meaning ethereal meaning like in touch with intuition being able to pick up on people and what they mean and want this self-preservation 9 is much more gritty much more down-to-earth much more concrete much more simple in the sense of what their needs are they are tuned into the experiences of physical satisfaction of eating sleeping resting reading watching TV playing video games even puzzles you know like think like you know the puzzles like people do with a you know a pencil and a pen like crossword puzzles or puzzles like people you know set them out as pieces of thousand pieces and they put them together and one of the reasons I think this 9 is the self preservation 9 is really good at solving puzzles it's not because they're a problem solver like a 6 but it's because self-preservation nines are really good at seeing how the various parts fit into the larger context or the whole so you know nines tend to be able to be able to understand other people's perspectives right so one of those aspects is being able to see how all the various pieces fit together into a whole into the context into the larger context so think like a human resources officer like for example think maybe toby flenderson on the office right who's a 9 that person who is able to see this person does this job this person does that job and they all work together as pieces of a puzzle to be able to work together to create a larger working sustainable context ok self-preservation nines are good at seeing how the parts fit into the whole I'm so good at solving puzzles or at least distracting themselves away from the work they ought to be doing by solving puzzles ok these activities like TV and video games and movies or reading or whatever they're in to serve as a way to distract them from their sense of not knowing who I am as a person what I want what my agenda is what my will is or feeling like that might be too aggressive to state that out loud remember there's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive assertive is fine aggressive not so fine Nine's tend to feel like if they're assertive that they're being aggressive okay so not being feeling like you're free to be able to state what you want and knowing what you want then what the self-preservation nine does then is distracts themselves away from that with lesser desires all right so they're tuned into the immediate things to do the routines the stuff that needs to be done that's right in front of me you know I will fold all my laundry and put it all away I'll wash all the dishes and put them all away I'll give the dog a bath you know I'll clean out the garage the one thing I won't do is get my paperwork in to my graduate school on time so that I don't miss the deadline that's the one thing I'll put off and while I put off that big agenda item I'll stay focused on distracting myself from now that again and will not necessarily be a conscious thought they're not sitting there thinking to themselves I need to distract myself away from the big task but unconsciously that may be very well what they're doing is putting off the big item that needs to be done by focusing their attention on because it seems aggressive maybe to to believe that I who am I to believe that I you know could be enrolled in a graduate program that seems too aggressive what will people think people might abandon me separate from me and move away from me if they realize and what if I'm not successful what if I can't accomplish this big dream that I have maybe it's just easier to not have those big dreams and just you know to settle for these lesser simpler things I think I'll just turn on the TV and have a popsicle okay I'm speaking to a few of you guys out there you all can feel it so these are very practical people who tend to be a little more irritable and stubborn than the other nines did I say the word stubborn okay stubborn familiar routine and stubborn is just a form of anger okay it's a resist all right it's a form of anger it's a it's a more passive form of anger familiar routines provides structure for self-preservation nines to help them feel more settled in life and more peaceful in life routines and structure routines help structure their experience in life in familiar ways that feel safer okay when routines are interrupted you know routines can be all kinds of things from you know I I just ran out of jeans so what jeans do I buy well you know what sevens gonna want to say let I haven't looked at jeans in a while maybe I should go out and see what kind of jeans are out there bring them all up on Amazon bring them all up on Walmart calm or Kohl's and I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna shop and I'm gonna look and I'm gonna find what are the trends what do people were okay so a7 is gonna look at what what am I missing out on maybe there's some new changes that have happened in in did um you know menswear that I'm not aware of I need to go out and search and find out what I'm missing what's a nines impulse is Levi's fit comfortable I wear Levi's order Levi's and they'll say oh they have this new 501 nope I don't want that I want the slim straight that's what I wear Levi's that's what it feels the best that's what's comfortable and so do you want to sample some other kind no I want what I want that's a routine okay that is a routine it could be a very good routine it's just a routine a routine can be the way you drive home from work you know I go I turn left at this corner and I turn right at that corner and then I see the bus stop and I pass the bus stop and then the kids get off the bus and everyday it's the same thing that can feel very familiar and very comforting about that and then when somebody calls and says hey I need you to stop at the grocery on the way home and pick up something off of your routine you might see the nine in there stubbornness say oh well I forgot to do that okay because they don't like necessarily being knocked out of the routine because that's knocked out of my comfort okay so self-preservation when routines are interrupted or disturbed by others disturbed knives don't want to be disturbed right ix can look sometimes friendly really friendly like it too but they're not going after the same goal was it to wear a to once connection and 9wants to not be disturbed by you and so friendly can sometimes be to move you away so that you won't invade any more space of mine okay like fives can sometimes do so when people interrupt or disturb that's a disturbing word for knives this nine the self-preservation nine can get grumpy okay can I hear an amen can get grumpy may silently retreat away from the relationship in order to resume their activity uninterrupted at a later point maybe when when people aren't around any longer so they're more okay with being alone than the other nines they can be very capable and forceful and hard workers what I say this is the nine with the work boots on okay this is the toughest of the nines they can often see the context and how pieces fit together to make things work I already talked about that if they are pushed or controlled by others they will dig their heels in and maybe refuse to even move okay so there's that stubborn that brick wall you might get that brick wall from this nine at times you know the only thing they can outlast you know an invading army might be a brick wall so nines can be very resilient in that aspect of just weathering the storm just enduring and persevering through all of the conflict all of the crisis these are you know the people that work a job for 30 years and crisis comes and goes and coalition's come and go and you know takeovers and and principals get fired and teachers get fired and this one will just stay there for 30 years and they'll just stay there for 30 years just resilient Lee digging their heels in doing what's expected of them following their routines and they can just endure and persevere it's like their gift to just persevere and endure okay they they might just refuse to move but they probably don't want to talk about it now provoked they might show a little bit of their anger anger is something that this night the self-preservation night needs to get in touch with because they're angry people underneath that surface they would never see themselves as being angry right but anger is there and if they could sit with that anger for a little bit and call it by name and that's really the challenge is to call it by name because you probably call it other things like disappointment or or tired or frustrated or sleepy or you know distracted and if you really sit for a second and just think about your life and say you know that that fact that dad didn't come to my baseball games when I was a kid and I made all these excuses my dad you know it was really trying to be a good dad but you know he had other things he had to do and instead of trying to see his perspective so hard why don't you just sit with your anger and say you know what that feeling I have within me is that's anger that's disappointment frustrated upset bitter anger is what it is and if I can quit calling it some other name and quit making excuses and trying to see everybody's perspective why they said what they said why they did what they did or didn't do what they did and I just accept what it is I'm feeling and call it my name it is anger and if you could sit with that anger for a moment it would really help you begin to heal and process that anger I'm not saying go back and blame everybody that needs to be blamed I'm just saying if there's anger there it doesn't do any good to ignore it it does a lot of good to recognize it call it by name and and say that's what that is and if this self-preservation nine could get in touch with their anger and sit with it for a little bit they might realize that when that's over they could let it go they could just let it go and it wouldn't have to you know sit there in a latent way in which it does if they could accept it and say that's what it is it's anger I'm angry at my wife I'm angry at my kids I'm angry at my father I'm angry at my co-workers and my boss they didn't give me a promotion but you know that's okay I've been here for 15 years and that other person they gave it to who was only here for 7 years who has less education and less experience than me they probably I guess deserved it I mean Who am I after all that's anger that's anger is what that is call the demon by its name and say look it don't be afraid to look inside yourself okay this is coming from a seven sevens never want to look inside themselves all right so listen to me look inside yourself address the truth the way it is and and lean on you're eight wing and say I'm gonna look at it and look at it for what it is and call it by its name it's anger and it's not gonna make it worse just because you name it for what it is and then once you name it for what it is then you can start to grieve that loss and let it go and move on to a more pleasant more peaceful more peace-loving which is what you're all about right you're the nine all peace-loving well now you can be peaceful because you've let your anger go all right so they are good at getting everyone on board to accomplish an objective they inspire people with humor and have a fun positive focus to life okay this is the nine that looks like an eight all right this is a nine that looks like an eight I think they can look a little bit like a seven if they distract themselves enough okay because you know sevens tend to be hedonist and pleasure seekers this nine could probably hang out with sevens and blend in with sevens and probably be you know a little bit of the the buffer between two sevens you know I think this nine would get along with sevens they could distract themselves with all the kinds of pleasure and whatever's in front of them that feels good you know that tastes good that is good all right so who are some of these nines self-preservation nines well that's a challenge to always come up with these and I'm afraid to like just give you a list because I may not be a hundred percent and then I forget them and it drives me crazy when I forget like for example when I was talking about the eighths I forgot Carrie Heffernan oh man off of everybody off of King of Queens Carrie is an eighth wing seven and the social eight okay and I forgot it I was like oh how could I forget Carrie man I mentioned Deacon you know and I forgot Carrie okay so it happens I forget people all the time but um Shrek is probably this nine Shrek you know the big green what is he Oh grrrrrr he's probably this nine Harry Potter may well be this nine Jim from the office could be the self preservation 9 I think Pam is also a nine I know a lot of people think Pam's a - I think Pam is a nine I think she is the the next nine the social nine that looks like it - then the social nine looks like a - or like a three and I think Pam is a social nine I think Jim is a self preservation 9 I think that's why it takes him three seasons to date right because nines are slow at move into action okay you know I said that Stanley on the office was an eighth wing 9 the bear I could be convinced that I could be wrong about that I could be convinced that Stanley is this 9 if he's a 9 he's this 9 the self-preservation 9 you know I could be totally convinced that he is this 9 wing 8 he could be an 8 wing 9 he could be a 9 wing 8 I could see it both ways um Doug Heffernan on King of Queens I think is this self-preservation name I'm not sure about Raymond on Everybody Loves Raymond um he could be this 9 I'm not sure he's a 9 I believe he's a 9 but I'm not sure which 9 he is I think Clint Eastwood is this 9 I think his characters are very relatable to this 9 talked about that in another nine video Sulli on monsters incorporated is probably this nine which probably john goodman you know is this nine and will ferrell is probably the self-preservation nine he looks like a seven right and i said this nine could look like an eight and possibly a seven but i think if you look at his movies and really examine it you'll see that he's a character to which things happen to him okay even elf he looks very seven ish but things are happening to him okay which is characteristic of nines life happens to a nine okay so let's move on to the social nine the social nine this is the nine in dress shoes okay this is the nine that is called the community benefactor or the participation nine I love that the belonging nine who that one's gonna staying in a minute because this self social nine and I'm gonna try and say social throughout this what I'm talking about this nine the social nine what's desperately to be a part of the group they will serve give this is the counter nine by the way and they're still lazy in the sense of lazy to their own dreams and their own aspirations in their own identity but this nine is not lazy okay this nine is is maybe a workaholic this nine is very driven okay that's why they're the counter nine this one is a worker the last one is a worker to this one is like a worker for the team all right for the team they are going to join a group and they are going to champion that group and they are going to try to have the vision for that group and communicate the vision for that group and they want everybody in the group to understand what the vision of that team is and they are going to work tirelessly for the goals of that team right so the social nine is going to be very focused on working for the good of the team working to further the goals of the team and so that's why it's called the participation nine because it's kind of like well I am myself and nobody but the team is what matters and I just want to participate with the team I just want to belong on the team and be a part of the team and help the team and this nine social nine can kind of lose themselves in that team identity all right so they kind of substitute that team identity as their own identity I remember all nines forget themselves and so the social nine forgets themselves in the team the team becomes what's important that maybe their work their employees that that work for them or the social groups that they belong to this social nine doesn't want to get too involved personally they want to keep some boundaries between them they don't want to be disturbed like all nines don't want to be disturbed and they they can look like a three and they can look like a two they can look very productive and they are productive in health they're very productive but they don't show necessarily the stress that of three shows because they're not motivated by the shame and guilt that a three is motivated by and they can look like it too but they don't necessarily need the connections that the two needs so that's why I mean they don't necessarily want to get too involved okay we're a two might get way too involved a three might get way too involved the nine is gonna keep some distance between them and and and everybody okay and themselves that'll blow your brain 9s keeping distance between themselves and themselves okay that's kind of the problem is they don't know themselves as well as maybe they should know themselves they oscillate between being completely available to the team and open to people and then just being absent okay and then just they just disappear in our absent they prioritize the group's needs ahead of their own social nines are may have different versions of quote-unquote me that are all me and so there might be than me at work and the me at home and the me you know at the church in the me at the men's group and they're all me but they all might be a little bit different versions of quote-unquote me because they may not really know me they may not know themselves that well they tend to merge with the group ok sexual nines merged with an individual kind of one at a time this social nine merges with the desires in the wants and the goals of the group as a way of that's the part that may not be aware of distracting themselves from themselves and their own desires agenda and goals ok they can be hard working people often are and they often end up in leadership roles sometimes drafted into those leadership roles pushed into those leadership roles they are very congenial fun-loving light hearted sociable now that I didn't say any of that over the last nine did I I said the last the self-preservation nine is hardworking tough strong-minded capable hard worker fun-loving okay comfort seeking the social nine is more congenial more lighthearted more sociable social nine more cognizant of how they're coming across with other people and careful that they're coming across and a more pleasant put together manner okay can be very fun-loving the driving need of the social nine that they may not even be aware of is there need to belong they want to be a part of the group they want to lose themselves in the identity of the group but there's something about this nine that never really feels like they're accepted into the group so they're bait their their whole goal in focus is to support the group and be a part of the group and belong to the group and participate with the group but yet there's something of this connection that never seems to really open the door and let them feel like they really are a part of the group they're in other words they're always striving to be a part of the group okay they never feel like they've made it into the core of that group they're striving to be a part of the group or put it this way they're always buying a ticket to group admission okay they're always no threes are always on job interview right the nine the social nine is always purchasing a ticket to group admission but never really feeling like they really belong to the group as much as they desperately want to and as hard as they're working at it there's something that just always feels like they don't really belong to the group and it may simply be because it's not appropriate for you to lose your identity and exchange that for the group's identity you've got to have your own identity you've got to know who you are you can't just distract yourself from yourself for two people to be in relationship there's got to be two separate people and if you don't know yourself don't understand yourself and aren't in touch with yourself and you haven't sat you know with yourself long enough to know yourself you can't just blend into the group you are a separate person and being a separate person is a good thing it's okay to be a separate person to have your own agenda your own desires your own abilities your own talents your own wishes and dreams and hopes it's okay and I think that the social nine not only has the latent anger underneath the surface but probably it has some latent sadness some latent sadness under the surface of as well of never quite feeling like they belong never feeling like they really had a seat at the table maybe even in their own family growing up they may have been a little bit like Harry Potter living under the stairs never really belonging being an orphan child you know that sense of separation which is at the heart of nine is that fear of separation and sort of doing whatever it takes you know minimizing your needs minimizing yourself minimizing your wants and dreams so that you can belong so that you can be a part of the group and I think the social 9 if they sat alone for a minute they might recognize oh that's anger within me and oh that's really sadness lit listen guys this is coming from a seven all right sevens avoid sadness at all cost I mean we weren't we want to run away from anything that feels sad anything that feels you know boring or tedious or sad or melancholy and I think the social nine would do well to take some time maybe an afternoon maybe longer to just sit on their front porch step and think back over the memories of their life and say you know that really made me sad it makes me sad that my kids don't have a relationship with me or it makes me sad that I lost that job and had to move to another state or makes me sad that I had to let go of that relationship or lose that parent there's no benefit in minimizing who you are and not feeling those emotions the benefit comes from sitting with those emotions long enough that you can heal through that pain and then let it go and not just hide it not just camouflage it not bury it but really just process it and let it go okay this social 9 I think can be a bit of a human punching bag for people because they will just roll with you know the struggles and challenges and hardships and they are so understanding people can kind of pour out their mess on them and the nine the social nine will just sit there and help and then they move on and leave that social nine to mop up all the mess you know so the social nine works very hard to satisfy all the responsibilities that other people have and again that can distract you from your own responsibilities and that's not that's not a good thing the social nine does make a good leader because they want the group to win they don't have that that uh you know that sharp edge that maybe a three might have of wanting to win themselves the social nine really just wants the team to win and that's going to draw people around you to support you people will want to support you because they know that that you're not inflated with yourself that you're not eight up with yourself that you want to see the team succeed and people want to support that and we'll be good you know workers around that kind of an environment if you create that kind of environment for them I got to get a drink I gotta get a drink don't worry it's just Gatorade okay so the social nine can be a bit of a workaholic and again may lose themselves and the goals of the work and again that makes them the counter nine okay a great deal of effort into supporting the group the team while at the same time forgetting and neglecting their own needs again don't just look at what people are running to look at what they're running away from and when you're running to work running to you know whatever committees or groups or organizations you belong to you're not just running to something you're running away from something it would do well for you to think about what you're running away from they don't want to share their pain with other social nines don't want to burden others with their they'll take other people's burdens but they don't want to burden others and again can look like it too right that's the way twos operate twos don't want to burden people with their needs but they want everybody to tell them what their what you know what my needs are but they don't want to share their own needs social Nine's can be the same way they want to support the team but if you ask them how they're doing oh I'm fine I'm fine they minimize their own pain they minimize their own problems minimize their own desires wants and needs for the sake of the group Kamikaze nines there we go let's call now often they feel deep down that they don't really belong to the group that they are supporting even when they've given all that they are in support of that group their desire they desire to belong they work hard to gain a sense of belonging they need to get in touch with their sense of not be and embrace that feeling which is not pleasant they can then begin to focus more of an effort on what do I want what do I want what do I need what do I really desire in my life what are my priorities and goals and finally feel more like they're a part of things when they do that when they do and understand themselves and begin to express themselves wants needs desires wishes they can really then begin to feel like they're really belonging and not just a character sure of them is belonging not just an image or a projection of them as belonging but if you don't really show up then you're never really gonna belong okay um they can be very emotionally stable people who neither go too high or too low they're not manic they're not depressive they tend to be balanced people they make excellent leaders they work in support of the team they don't focus a lot of attention on themselves even though they're hard workers they don't need the plaque or the trophy at the end or their name and the certificate or in lights in order to function they give generously to the groups they support they're humble and modest and work behind the scenes and can be in can be indecisive and unsure but they will work tirelessly and unselfishly okay so who are some examples of the social nine I'm gonna guess Barack Obama and Ronald Reagan who are both presidents are probably social minds okay because being a president has got to be an exhausting job and you've got to show up but you got to work hard and you've got to believe in what you're doing you know and you can't I'm just gonna guess I'm gonna I'm gonna say that Walt Disney is probably this 9 the social 9 and I and I bet you Mickey Mouse is too okay as a character sure of himself a very productive very goal-oriented very team-oriented you know mr. Rogers I think is a 9 wing one and I think Disney is a 9 wing one I think Fred Rogers is more than likely the social 9 I already said probably Pam who looks like it too and you know probably Winnie the Pooh you know Winnie the Pooh's at nine and he can very well be this nine just like Walt Disney you know just like Mickey Mouse okay okay last nine the sexual nine the one-on-one nine the union nine the seeker nine the nine that shows up in sandals why do I say sandals well the first nine the self-preservation nine is the nine that shows up in work boots okay hard-working tough strong resilient a little dusty a little gritty okay the the social nine and dress shoes go be president gonna be chairman of the board right and gonna be productive and the sexual nine can look like a four at times the sexual nine loses their identity by merging with other important people in their life strong people in their life dominant people in their life in other words knowing who I am that's what I'm not sure of I can see myself in your eyes I can see myself when I look through your eyes and so sexual nines are in a sense living their lives through the eyes of someone else or in the eyes of someone else these nines more than any other nines resonate with the concepts of merging and fusing okay merging infusing not with a team but with the strong dominant people in their life you know it could be an overbearing father okay it could be a very loving gentle kind father as well but the idea is you know if I stand up for myself and I make my voice known dad's gonna get upset dad might be upset with me he might withdraw from me the pain of withdrawal is so strong I better just see things the way dad does I better merge with dad fuse with dad and then dad will never have a problem with me dad won't be upset with me dad won't yell at me dad will always support me and you know be connected to me because if I like what dad likes then I can always eat with that I can always be with dad and so it's that sense fear of separation that just drives this sense of you know disowning yourself and then with the sexual night merging with someone else their values their opinions their views and okay I think of you guys the older guys that watched all in the family think Edith bunker okay think Edith bunker who's a little ditzy and a little flighty and she's just going to go along with whatever her dominant husband who I would say is a counter phobic six Archie she tends to just go along with that because it's just easier now there's a stubborn side to Edith if you watch the show you know where she kind of independently at times has to buck against that dominant you know presence in her life but the sexual nine sees themselves through someone else's perspective okay they're not firm on what they want in life they're not firm on their own agenda like all nines they suffer in that way but they merge with others to distract themselves away from themselves oh by the way I had a great quote about the last nine the social nine I forgot it it was will see if I can find it they live very full lives they're just not full of themselves isn't that a great quote for the social nine they live very full lives they're just not full of themselves okay back to the sexual nine this sexual nine can look like a four because they're on a quest to understand themselves they want us they want to understand themselves and they kind of bounce around from person to person you know kind of trying to figure out that quest trying to understand that journey so they really are on a journey trying to find themselves so this is the nine that's kind of trying to find themselves and that can make them at times look like a four we laugh at Kayleigh in our house because this is the kind of nine she is and she will at times look like a four you come home and she might have on a dress an apron and pearls and be fixed lunch and you're like what she kind of you know is gonna do things in her own way at times um kind of like searching you know for I like what I like but I'm not sure what I like but I'm gonna try this and see if that's what I like and they can look a little bit like a for let's just in there with that okay they're very sweet gentle and kind people boy gentle I think is the word gentle they they kind of attract him withdraw okay they're kind of in and they're kind of out which fours do that don't they they kind of push-pull they're not necessarily the so the sexual nine is not necessarily connected with their own passion for living and for life they're that much the very much the least assertive of the nines alright so if you think in terms of assertive like you're you should put the self prison for preservation nine is the most assertive the social 9 as midline you know will stand up for the team and will show up for the team and then the sexual nine is gonna be the least assertive the most mild-mannered the most gentle the most mindful okay the most intuitive the most able to read people and pick up on people's signals this underlying beneath the surface okay the most metaphysical ethereal all right probably artistic maybe moving in terms of art like music and poetry and painting and those kinds of things they're gonna be more comfortable with that world that the the the nine and sandals okay looking for a sense of purpose they can't seem to locate that sense of purpose or locate or be able to verbalize what their message in life is and so since they can't locate that unconsciously they kind of take on the opinions attitudes beliefs values wants desires of other people and could then be easily manipulated that's um the new you might want to develop some boundaries so that you're not manipulated they'll take on the important feelings and opinions of the people in their life I'm sorry I said that too fast the opinions and feelings and views of the important people in their lives okay um they may lose the difference between their own and the people that they love and they tend to blend together with other people when they don't know what they want need feel or think they have a hard time expressing that they don't know what they want think or need or feel to other people especially if what they do want differs from someone else now if I'm committed to not causing conflict but I want what I want and it's different from what you want I either will not express that or I might be dishonest and 9's can sometimes look dishonest because they really may not be open they may not be trying to lie but they may not necessarily be openly expressing their wants and desires for fear that it's going to create or generate conflict in the relationship so they may go beneath the surface and kind of secretly stubbornly carry out their desires in a way that doesn't create more conflict but then when you discover that they've been doing that of course then there's gonna be conflict and you will say they're sneaky and Nine's particularly the sexual nine might look a little sneaky when really they're just I think trying to do what they want to do without creating conflict and the fact that they know what they want to do or at least are experimenting with what they think they might want to do is something that really we ought to applaud in them don't imply don't applaud sneakiness but if we can see the good in the bad is hey at least they are trying to exercise some kind of agenda on their own and that's a good move for a nine I'm sorry that they feel like they have to do it you know without my knowing it okay let's see they have a hard time expressing their desires to others if they are in touch with them they're not consciously aware of the boundaries that other people have so they may tend to like move in too close and not really respect people's boundaries or have a strong enough boundaries for themselves even knowing what's appropriate you know between people they can rely heavily on others for support they can take refuge in close relationships with other people because they want to avoid that separation feeling within themselves they look to others to satisfy their sense of who they are and their identity and help them overcome their sense of loneliness abandonment and purposelessness as deep stuff the most emotional of the nines is the sexual nine they may not realize how much they've merged with another person until something happens and there's a physical boundary a geographical boundary and when that geographical or physical boundary happens they may realize that they've merged with someone that's not very helpful for them let me give you an example suppose you uh a sexual nine in your life has a friend that is not healthy friend for them that is to be a pessimistic troublemaker that sexual nine may not see all the flaws and they may start to become like them dressed like them laughs of what they're laughing at you know and maybe going in all kinds of ways inappropriate and then perhaps that friend of theirs goes away for summer camp for two months or three months is gone and there's a now a forced geographical boundary that separates the sexual nine from that unpleasant unattractive friend okay that gives a time of separation for this sexual nine to sort of get back in touch with themselves and determine that you know some of these thing I'm listening to and some of these words I'm saying perhaps or some of these clothing that I'm wearing I'm not really I don't really like this I'm not really this really isn't me I'm not really comfortable with this and so they discard that clothing and discard that me and discard those words and they no longer you know and they go back to quote-unquote their normal self right that wouldn't have happened maybe if there hadn't have been a forced geographical separation now again what's going to happen is probably they're going to align themselves with somebody else and so then they'll adopt a new style in a new way of seeing things and again that's why I think this nine can sometimes social sexual nine can sometimes look like a four because it's kind of like they're trying on personalities which is something that young four is often do until they feel like they've arrived their unique special personality so asexual nine can end up in a relationship with somebody that is not beneficial to them but they may not see how unbeneficial it is until they forced geographical separation happens and then it gives space for this sexual nine to sort of look internally and say I don't even like this why am I wearing this I don't even like this and they can discard it now and sort of go back to quote-unquote themselves which again is kind of what they're searching for themselves okay Wow Wow where are we um this sexual night has a strong intuition about others and consents what other people need they can empathize with people deeply without ever becoming too involved so counselors may be very good counselors because they can sort of intuitively know what people need and what steps those people need to take without necessarily getting entangled even though they are the blending type you know it's people are complex man people are complex one thing I'm learning from the intagram is people are not simple they're complex whoo where are we they have a strong ability to listen and to empathize with people and to gain people's perspectives and see people's perspectives a tendency to be indecisive and insecure they can even know what they want but not necessarily carry it out or feels like too aggressive to take into action when they begin to assert who they are as a unique individual they can be very caring and dedicated and person and personal with a lot of creativity again I think that sexual for is gonna look more creative look a little bit more creative they are very humble in their work and very gentle in their work when they work through their fears of acting independently and being their own person they're able and the fear of expressing their own Authority standing in their own shoes you might say sandals they can be thoughtful sensitive leaders who are good with people and good at helping people the more they work to discover their own identity that is their wants desires wishes strengths opinions values beliefs the more they can Center in on what is important to them and really hold that and believe that the more present they can be to life the more they can fully show up in life and the more they will do their creative gentle caring compassionate work with their own unique stamp on it that's a good way to say it so they may be very simple may may be very sensitive to others and they're always kind of thinking what must I do to state remain connected afraid of looking inside themselves that there might be no purpose and no identity there is there is a purpose there is an identity ok don't be afraid to look inside don't be afraid to sit there for a moment and question yourself don't be afraid of openness and honesty that's one of the things that 9 struggle with and it starts with being open and honest with yourself ok they do want to defend against the separation by having no boundaries I am I am Who I am when I am with others no you are who you are ok you need to figure out who you are is and then embrace that and then you know stand on your own two feet you need help with that make an appointment coaching appointment ok I work with a lot of nines who struggle with these kinds of questions and we can help okay we can help all right so who are some 9s that fit the sexual nine again I come back to John Denver who sings words like come let me look in your eyes you know so I can find myself in your eyes John Denver's probably a gentle think sandals nobody look good in sandals okay it's probably a sexual 9:00 Bob Ross gentle mr. Rogers could be okay could be um again some of these are hard to nail down without you know from just observing through television in that some of them are a little harder to nail down but gentle Fred Rogers is very gentle he could be this knife Bob Ross the painter very gentle I'm extremely gentle and fuses with a forest okay John never fuses with a forest he merges with a forest okay he merges with the Rocky Mountain High with grandmas feather bed with hay it's good to be back home again you know hey it's good to have a fiddle and a and a a waffle griddle and thank God I'm a country boy right is that his identity John Deutschendorf that's his real name I'll just adopt you know he literally walked in to a recording studio or whatever looked up saw a picture of Denver never been there and he said that looks good and they changed his name to John Denver okay that's nine energy right there my and last name doesn't matter Deutschendorf doesn't matter it's too hard for people to pronounce and people are gonna wonder where I'm from give me the name Denver that's fine I'll wear that name never been there but I'm sure it's pretty that's nine stuff don't lose yourself guys come back to yourself okay ask yourself the tough questions be don't be afraid to sit with anger and sadness and loneliness and recognize you know that some people will separate you from you if you are yourself but if they do then maybe you don't really need those people in your life anyway it's okay if other people separate from you just don't you separate from you all right be present to life whoa be present that means show up you show up not some form of you not some caricature of you not some new name that people can spell better of you but you show up to life thank you guys I'll see you next time

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 55,662

Rating: 4.9443741 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, enneagram type 9, type 9 subtypes, instincts, family, marriage, relationships, personalities, love, home, parenting, enneagram 9 subtypes

Id: otjJQysUb7E

Length: 58min 18sec (3498 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2020