Enneagram: Don't Waste Your Energy Pursuing People Who Can't Love You

hey what's up guys thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu and welcome to my channel and um i would like to just remind you that in the description below is a link to my website tomlehue.com where you can book coaching appointments enneagram coaching appointments for you or your relationships and also um on my website is information about our certificate programs if you're interested in becoming an enneagram coach we have uh several different certificates for you so i hope you check that out also thanks to my patrons i really appreciate your support for the channel okay so today we're talking about uh wisdom from type five for the rest of us now i got i found this um article floating around on some of the facebook pages and it is attributed to anthony hopkins i don't know whether anthony hopkins actually wrote all this out or whether you know he said all of this but we'll take it for what it's worth um i do believe that this is type 5 thinking okay and i think anthony hopkins is probably a type five um he's done some wonderful movies you may know him from uh hannibal lecter uh character in um whatever that movie's called um i was thinking of shadowlands which is one of my favorite movies where he portrays c.s lewis but there's a lot of movies that anthony hopkins is in wolf man or the wolf or something like that and i don't know a bunch of movies okay so let's let's look at this um what is attributed to him let's look at his statement um and it's really about boundaries um about having good boundaries with people you know and boundaries can be difficult for some of us i know as a type 7 sometimes boundaries can be hard for me you know when you want everything to be happy all the time and everybody to get along sometimes it can be hard to have good boundaries i know twos often have a hard time with boundaries nines can have a difficult time and it's not uncommon for all of us at times to struggle with having good boundaries fives on the other hand you know typically have a good sense of where they stop and where other people start and they don't want their boundaries intruded on and they don't often um you know appreciate it when you intrude on their boundaries um so let's let's look at this and i think it will have some helpful insights for all of us i was really impressed with it i read it i thought wow this is great and and i do pretty good with boundaries so i can imagine that some of you guys that really struggle with the disease to please you you like to keep people happy you're not happy if everybody else isn't happy um and you go after people and want to you know nurture and take care of and you want people to respond well to you this is going to be very powerful and helpful um okay so let's read it break it down and and talk about it okay so it's it's called wise words from anthony hopkins and again i think this is just good five wisdom uh something a five might say to all of the rest of us types okay let go the people who are not prepared to love you okay that one statement you know is going to be difficult for some of us i realize that in some situations it's not possible to let completely go of people in your life that don't respond well to you or don't love you back don't reciprocate love i mean what if it's your child what if it's uh you know a parent what if it's your grown child it may be quote unquote impossible to truly let them go but there's a sense in which maybe you could come to the realization that this relationship is not going to be all that you hoped it could be or all that it could be and there's a grief there because you think you know this relationship could be so much more i want it to be more i'm willing to show up and and care about you and love you but i'm realizing that this is never going to be reciprocated this is never going to be that kind of relationship so let go the people who are not prepared to love you that's the first sentence it's going to take a while um you know i i came to the realization at some point that when you were a child when you when you were a child you you would run into your grandmother's house okay run into grandma's house and let's say it's full of people it's full of family members as a child you got the sense early on that there are some people in that house that really do care about you they want to hear about the toy that you just got they want to hear about what's going on with your friends at school your teacher they are very interested and they show up in a very attending caring way and you'll see the children smile at them and run toward them but didn't you realize that there were other people in that house that really just didn't want to be bothered by your presence they really didn't want to be bothered by you they they weren't attentive to you they might say hello how are you doing and then that was it you were not they were not going to extend an offer of relationship beyond that to you that's a really sad thing but you you just kind of came to realize that that's the way the world works there's going to be several people maybe granny she's going to open her arms and you run to her but maybe not grandpa or maybe not aunt ruth or maybe not uncle bud you know um and there were some that were friendly but they weren't really going to be your friends and you realize this as a child what what's kind of stark you know as you start to realize as life goes on that this is the way it works everywhere even the family that you leave behind the kids the grandkids um the brothers as your family develops you'll realize that it this pattern continues that even among your kids let's say you have a host of children not every one of those grown kids or grandkids is going to extend an open invitation for a relationship and so just like what you learned as a child you you start to realize as you grow older so let go the people who are not prepared to love you why why is that so difficult for some of us you know i always joke about twos there's twos meet two kind of people right if you're two there's two kinds of people out there those that love you and those that just don't know you well enough and you're sure you could win them over you know you take that difficult teenager for example that's very standoffish very ambivalent very aloof you know and the twos just got it in their head like i can break through that i could get through that you know uh hello clarice speaking of hannibal lecter what is the name of that movie anyway i it'll come to me i know it's driving you guys nuts because you know what it is and i'm sitting here silence of the lambs yeah so um you know that two sees that young person standing off not fitting in you know disconnected and they go after them like i'm gonna win that kid over um i'm going to draw them out of their shell i'm gonna you know okay that it could be hard for you to hear this statement let go of the people who are not prepared to love you but they will they will i will win them over okay let's keep reading let go the people who are not prepared to love you this could be the hardest thing you have to do in life and by the way as i read it i might change some of the sentences to to make make it make sense to me okay um stop having hard conversations with people who don't want to change um you know you've done it i've done it where you get into the facebook conversations with people about topics controversial topics and at first you all start off rational you know like well this is what i believe and this is what i think and this is my rationale for my argument and then they come back with you're a stupid head and you're like okay this is not going to be a rational conversation uh maybe facebook um is not the place to have rational conversations um but it can happen with real conversations with people too where you just realize um i'm kind of casting my pearl before swine here like jesus said he says don't cast your pearls before swine uh because they will trample them under their feet and then they will turn and tear you to pieces and the point is is you have all this wisdom all this information and you're trying to help this person who doesn't want to change you're trying to help them to understand but they don't really want to know and so they trample your pearls under their feet and then they turn and tear you to pieces and that's kind of what happens on facebook a lot of times my experience is you know when people hi when they when we can hide all of us when we can hide behind that username and profile picture um we become a little less human i guess but i see i don't think this is just for twos i think this is good wisdom for for ones eights sixes listen to what it says stop having hard conversations with people who don't want to change again that's not completely possible right because if you're raising kids they don't want to change they want to do whatever they want to do but you're going to have to continue having conversations with them because you are in a locked in committed relationship with those people and you can't get away from them you can't get away from your kids they just keep you know showing up every day so there are some people that maybe i realize if you push a statement like this you could go yeah but what about this tom uh what about your kids oh what about your wife what about okay i get it but how many people are you reaching out and making bids to relate to that really you just don't need in your life you're going to have to kind of flip that switch that oh it's going to be one of those kind of relationships this isn't going to be like a real friendship like there's no opportunity here for a real relationship this is going to be one of those surface level relationships and now that i know that you know let's just operate in that let's quit playing games let's quit pretending that this is ever going to get beyond you know football and weather and vacation talk this is always just going to be simple easy surface level because really you're not interested in anything more than that and that's fine it's just something i need to realize because if i keep pursuing this i'm going to exhaust myself and you and that's one of the topics that this paper is going to get into exhausting your resources which is a fear of a five they don't want to exhaust their energy so once you pick up from somebody that they're not interested in any kind of real relationship and they're not really interested in knowing your information and changing why would you exhaust your resources and expending any more energy in this relationship wisdom of the five now of course i get it i get it i get it we might say yeah but as a christian or as a kind person you know i'm i'm going to continue trying with people that's fine that's fine i think that's appropriate but think of it as more like knocking on their door every once in a while i will continue to knock on their door and i will invite them to a deeper relationship and when they don't go through that door they don't open that door then i will respect that and i will remember that that's what this relationship is it's just a surface level acquaintance it's a friendliness not really a friendship i think it's fine to put the welcome mat out leave the light on and invite people to more but don't be surprised if maybe they just don't want that and let's not mourn that loss we might grieve that loss but let's not mourn that loss okay why not okay let's see what he says stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence wow it hurts doesn't it stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence now i again i want to give a word of warning because sometimes very sensitive people they can perceive that others don't value them to the level that they believe that they deserve to be valued and i think we want to be careful that we're not so sensitive that we clam up we withdraw and we disconnect from people who really do want to relate to you they just might relate to you in a way that is not as warm and sensitive as what you would like so there are people in your life that do want to relate to you but maybe they just are a little clunky in how they relate to you and maybe it's not as um deep as you would expect it to be so i think there's a difference between people that do love you they just maybe don't live up to your expectations and those that just aren't interested in in in you or they're not interested in your presence and i think most of us could probably benefit from thinking about that statement a little bit more as it is stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence i think about how many threes you know might be um very concerned with how they're being perceived by who by them you know i need their approval do you who are they whose approval is it that you need and it's not just threes but i think of them as a category you know of people that hey look what i just did look at what i accomplished look at look at the new diploma look at the the the marathon i ran look at the uh the trophy i just got look at the award look at the position it's like what would happen if nobody applauds this would you still do this would you still pursue this it's because you're passionate about it or is it because you need stop showing up for people who have no real interest in who you are as a person your presence wow i know your instinct is to do everything to earn appreciation and again there's kind of strikes it too right because twos want to be appreciated they do so much they take care of us don't they want to be appreciated aren't they deserving of our appreciation sure absolutely they are or ones they should get our appreciation look at all they're doing for us working so hard and yet sometimes we don't think to appreciate them i know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you but it's a boost it's a it's a boost to your self-esteem that now here's the five listen that steals your time your energy your mental and physical health remember fives their sin is greed right and so you're not taking my time you're not taking my energy you're not taking my my my focus of attention and so i think it's important to keep this in the context of the five that this is wisdom from a five that that showing us things that we might not see since we're not fives like i've only got so much energy in the day i've only got so much i've only got so much funny to share around so much joy to give i've only got so much grace to uh i'm not an i'm not a a an unending resource i've only got so many spoons you know i've only got so much time so much focus of attention i can give why am i giving it to people that don't care now i do i think like like you give you know charity i think maybe there should be some charity in our time and charity in our energy that does go out to those that may not always appreciate but i might say it like this why am i given my best resources to people who are not inside my fort if i have a fort full of the people that love me and care about me wouldn't it make sense that i would give my best resources time energy attention to those inside my fort yet it seems like some people neglect those on the inside of their fort and give away their best resources to those on the outside of the fort maybe the people on the inside of the fort take you for granted maybe the people on the inside of the fort you're angry with or you're hurt by or you're upset with and those people out on the outside they appreciate me they listen to me they care about me they applaud what i'm doing but you're giving your best resources to people that really um may not be the most important people in your life i get it every person's important don't misunderstand me okay don't make me say what i'm not saying okay all right um let go all right when you begin to fight for a life of joy i love that because joy that's important to me a life of interest and commitment not everybody's going to be ready to follow you in other words when you know what your purpose is and you start moving toward your purpose with zeal and you start focusing on that agenda and if you don't know what your purpose is you know i think a good place to start is the enneagram because think about it like this what we seek in our average health is what we bring in our health so if you're a seven you're looking for happiness and satisfaction what do sevens bring happiness joy and satisfaction what do um nines seek comfort security or comfort peace tranquility um harmony and when healthy nines interact with others that's what they bring they make us feel more comfortable more at peace more harmony in the workplace and all of us are like this so starting with your enneagram type is a good good way to think about like what should i go after in life you know what am i here for what am i here to bring what have i brought to the potluck dinner and i think it's somewhat rooted in your your personality okay so when you start moving toward what it is you believe you're here to do from a christian worldview what you believe god has called you to do just recognize that not everybody's going to want to go on this journey with you that could be very painful because you think well these people they're my partners you know they're with it they're with me aren't they aren't you guys where'd you go aren't you guys with me this doesn't mean you need to change who you are if they're not willing to necessarily walk with you it means you should let go of the people who are not ready to accompany you ow i am not a two and this is painful let go of the people who are not ready that's boundaries it's boundaries i always say with boundaries you know don't get mad at the goats get mad at the fence if there's goats in your yard chewing up tearing up stuff your tendency is to get mad at the goats goats or goats people are like that they will be invasive they will be intrusive they will take advantage and manipulate you if you let them um what's wrong with your fence how come your fence isn't keeping out the goats it has a sign on it doesn't it that says no trespassing so why isn't that working screaming at goats isn't the way to fix the problem goats don't care if you scream they might get startled for a minute but they'll probably just think you're crazy um you need a good fence if you want more information about boundaries check out the book boundaries it's a very christian book so if you don't like that be warned but boundaries by john cloudan or henry cloud and john townsend they have a whole series the disease to please that's another really good one i'm sure there's many many more books on that subject but boundaries a lot of us have problems with boundaries okay um let go of the people who aren't ready to accompany you again well what if it's my kid what if it's my wife what if it's my dad what if it's these people that you know i have to relate to i can't just walk out and leave these people well geographically you can't that's true physically maybe you can't you have a job you have to work and these are the people you work with but maybe you could in a sense let them go metaphorically maybe you could let them go in terms of your expectations for them like oh yeah it's going to be this kind of relationship why do i keep thinking that it's going to be more lucy keeps moving the football she holds the football up i think there's going to be more i start to run toward it and then i realized she's going to move the football and i'm always surprised that i keep getting let down i'm getting let down not because the other person is a jerk but because my expectations are not in line with reality i keep expecting more and maybe if i could let go of my expectations that it's going to be this kind of relationship then maybe we'd all feel a lot better and we'd all be able to relate better once i accept that it's not going to be that kind of relationship it's going to be the other kind of relationship the one where we get along the one where we're friendly the one where we pass each other and we we small talk but we don't really do much more than that okay sad i know i know um some people are just prickly too like you love them and you want to you want to open up your home to them and then you find out that you know they're talking about me behind my back oh great never mind okay i have a ton of love to give but you know not everybody wants to receive that love and it's true with god too i mean god wants to love everybody too he does love everybody but not everybody not everybody cares if you are excluded insulted forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to you don't do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life to them [Music] the truth is you are not for everyone and everyone is not for you and that's true i mean that is that is true it's not maybe the most pleasant thought especially when you need to go to bed at night you know i love others i am nice i am kind i am friendly and people love me and i love them and i'll do whatever it takes to be loved you don't know how far i'll go to be loved it's very hard for you to get to the point where you're just like it's not gonna happen um and when i really think about it you know they're not on the inside of my fort the truth is you are not for everyone and everyone is not for you if you're a seven like myself you know no we're all friends right we're all friends or a six we're all on the same team right we're not well then i need to be against them no i don't really need to be against them because again the five would say that's an expenditure of energy why would you expend energy being against somebody the eight i need to be against them why are they that important to you that you need to be against them what if you could be apathetic what if you could just be like okay with it what if you just accepted it it is what it is some people out there are going to be close as some people out there are going to be maybe hostile and then there's just going to be a lot that are neutral i don't have to win them over why do i feel like i have to win them over what is missing in me that i feel that i need them to acknowledge recognize appreciate laugh at relate to me what why do i need that that's an interesting question perhaps more interesting then why can't i win them over is why do i why do i always feel the need to okay that's what makes it so so special when you meet people who actually do reciprocate love because if you recognize that some people don't in fact maybe most people don't then when you find people that do that makes those people stand out they've been highlighted like hey this person actually wants a friendship there they want a relationship they want to take this relationship to a more intimate arm or a deeper place maybe i should be open to that um because not everybody is showing up that way in my life okay listen to this this is powerful all right i wish i wrote all this stuff at least i can do is read it okay says the more time you spend trying to make yourself loved ow just that is the more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of that connection with someone else that is a powerful thought like i don't have an unlimited amount of time and energy and i'm expending it trying to push something that you know the metaphor that came to my mind is trying to push jello i i saw this giant i love metaphors and i think in terms of metaphors and you guys hear them all the time on my videos sometimes they make sense and sometimes not so much sense but anyway the metaphor that came to my mind is imagine a giant jello ball if there could be such a thing and you're trying to push that jello ball uphill right so what happens well you push one side up the other side starts to goop down and then you get under that side you try to push that side up and the other side starts to goop down and then you just find yourself smooshing right into the middle of it right and you're just covered in this big red yellow ball it's not working it's not working so you're exhausting your energy trying to push a jell-o up a hill there are some relationships that are just big giant jell-o balls can i get an amen there's some there's some relationships that just are like trying to push jello up a hill when you recognize this like i'm wearing myself out here and i don't know that this is ever going to really work so why am i spending so much energy trying to force something that should be natural relationships do take work yes but there's another sense in which they they spontaneously happen they they are natural they are organic if i'm working this hard to make this happen maybe it shouldn't be happening um i'm not saying don't work on your marriage okay don't misunderstand me i'm not saying don't pursue people i'm just saying when they clearly give the response back that they're not interested then you should hear that response when people show you who they are you should believe them when people make it clear that they are not open to anything more then it's wise to respect that love always accepts uh people's freedom they are free to connect to you they are free not to and if they don't really want to go any deeper then it's wise for me to accept that and to recognize it and not think well what's wrong with me what's wrong with me what do i need to do in order to show them that i am this wonderful person that they need to know and love and get why do i need that what is missing in me that i need their attention their applause their approval their warmth you know smile why do i need that okay something deeper that i might need to address here okay um there are billions of people on this planet and you know maybe you could meet some who share the same interest that you have and the same commitment that you have and really want a real relationship the more you stay involved with people oh this is painful this is gonna hurt if you've not read this before it's gonna hurt some of you some of you are gonna laugh and be like oh my goodness absolutely i totally agree with this why doesn't everybody know this but recognize you you kind gentle folk folk out there folk this is going to be painful okay be prepared for the tear to come into your eye the more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow a background option or a therapist for their own emotional healing the longer you end up staying away from the community you really want ah ow people using you as a pillow in other words life is hard and i i i'm going after all these things i care about and then when i can't have those things or those relationships well there's always mary i can always turn back to mary i'm going toward all of these objectives in my life and when it doesn't work out and i don't get what i want well there's always mary she's my background option she's my pillow she's always there so i can always go you know i can always rely on mary my pillow my background option my therapist when my real relationships that i pursue don't work then i've got the background mary that i can always go to ow and so what he's saying is you know if this is how you're relating to people they're probably never going to give you what you really want in a relationship so there's people out there that would that's the idea there's people out there that would why don't you go find them rather than to spend all your time supporting those that don't really care about you they're not really interested in you they're interested in using you to support themselves in their own agenda but they're not really interested in being your friend you can kind of tell these people right when you have conversations they tell you everything about their life but they ask no questions about yours you'll see it with two moms um oh let me tell you about my sweetie oh she's an honor student at the school oh she's gonna try out for band practice and oh i don't know she's got this rash and i okay and then the other mom says you know my daughter oh that's nothing wait till you hear about and then it's like we go right back to me and my child and my needs and my special vacation and my marriage and my okay you in the conversation with this person and you realize i know everything about them they didn't ask any questions about me why i wonder why because they're not interested they're not interested in you they're interested in themselves and in their little world and their little agenda and they need you to be their audience they need you to be their support they need you to be their pillow their therapist but maybe they're not really showing up for you in a way that feels like they're interested in you i wonder why is there something wrong with me probably not ow the more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow a background option or a therapist now i think it is okay don't i i don't want to make too much out of this i think it's okay to show up in some people's life as a pillow as a background option as a therapist to help them get through the crisis of life and maybe you don't expect anything more than that because after all i just want to help others okay i think that's that is um that is acceptable just know that that's going to be the nature of the relationship i think it's when you don't know that when you're not aware that this is a one-sided relationship you keep getting surprised fooled and then angry and bitter but i think it's fine in circumstances to show up saying i want to be there to help look my life is so like this think like this my life is so full my life is so rich i have so many people in my life that love and truly care and support me these people over here don't and so i'm going to be that for them and i will show up care for them minister to them help them yeah but at eight o'clock you know i go home to my real friends i think it's okay it's when you think those people really are your friends and they really are invested in the relationship is when you get the opportunity for bitterness because you might realize oh oh i'm kind of like the nanny here and they're like the you know the bad child got it okay maybe if you stop showing up what would happen what if you stopped attending to these people in your life what would happen if you stopped attending to them um well maybe you wouldn't be wanted that's a that's a sad thought it really is i can kind of be light-hearted about it because i'm not on the worth and value type i'm i'm over here on the fear type and maybe you wouldn't be wanted that's an awful thing to not feel wanted i mean really it is it's an awful thing um maybe if you stop trying the relationship would be over there wouldn't be a relationship anymore if i wasn't calling if i wasn't checking in if i wasn't attending if i wasn't softening and supporting giving assurance the relationship would end maybe if i stopped texting them then my phone would go dark for weeks now listen to this that doesn't mean that you've somehow ruined the relationship it means the only thing that was holding the relationship back from collapsing was all of the energy that you were supplying to it all the energy that you were giving to it and that's not really love it's certainly not really connection and love uh it's more of like an attachment um you might even say enablement like not really is that really the relationship that you want if if it would collapse if you backed up four inches and the whole thing collapses was it very secure in the first place well of course not not really the now listen here's the fiveness okay you'll just it bleeds five energy and it's so wise and it's so helpful for us who are not fives to just hear this reminder from over on the other side of the board five tell us your wisdom five share with us your insight five help us to see the way you see the world just a little bit so that it can expand our understanding of how to live as people on this earth the most valuable thing that you have in your life is your time and your energy now remember what is the fear of the five that people are going to steal that they're going to intrude on that they're going to intrude on your space and your time and your energy it's the most valuable resource you have and both are limited and when you give your time and energy it will define your existence in other words whatever you give your time and your energy to that's who you are that's that describes what kind of person you are you know you could say that you value children but if your wallet and your time and your energy in no way goes toward helping children then it's just talk it's not really who you are you could put a bumper sticker on your car that says my dog is precious and my best friend and who rescued who and you can put all these signs on your car about how much you love dogs but if you go home and don't have a dog or you don't love your dog you don't walk your dog you don't care for your dog then it's just a bumper sticker it's not really who you are if you don't put your time energy treasure toward that so you only have this limited resource of time energy treasure talent whatever it is be careful who you give that to because it will define you okay when you realize that truth you'll begin to understand why you're so anxious when you spend time with people and activities and places and situations that don't really suit you why because your energy is being stolen from you and there's the fiveness right is like you're not gonna take my energy your energy is being maybe used up and so then you come home let's just say come home to the people that really care about you and there's no energy left and i hope that people in your home really do care about you because it can be painful if that weren't true ow your energy is stolen you'll begin to realize that the most important thing you could do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely more than anything else make your life a safe haven he says which only compatible people are allowed and i think it's it's true that the idea is like fill the 80 of your space with people that love you and truly care about you and then give the 20 away offering invitation and support to those that may or may not be for you in other words you still have to love your enemies you still have to pray for those that persecute you and love those that maybe don't show up in the most loving way but to give your best time and energy to those who love you the most it makes sense it makes sense um [Music] those who are most compatible to you now we're getting close to the end but the pain is not over yet okay you are not responsible for saving anyone oh i know you love your child i know you love your grandchild i know you love that person on the other side of the office whose life is and you feel this deep empathy for them and your heart breaks for them and you want to see their life better you see them making mistakes they're addicted they're confused they're stumbling around in the darkness and their life is suffering their health is suffering and i know that your soft heart is breaking for them to the point that you could risk your own safety your own security in an effort to try to help them and keep them from collapsing listen to this statement again you're not responsible for saving anyone now from a christian worldview you have to see that there's already a savior period so it's not me it's not you we want to see people helped cared for and loved but ultimately i can only do so much what if that person doesn't want my help they're not open to my care or my concern i've got to respect that you are not responsible for convincing them to improve this is not just tattoos is it think about the ones who need to hear that statement think about the eights that might need to hear that statement you're not responsible for saving anyone you're not responsible for convincing them to improve you could point the way you could say hey you know something like that happened in my life and let me tell you how i managed to pull my way out of this and so you give them some insight you might give them some wisdom but what if they don't receive it that's their choice and i've got to accept that i can't fix myself how am i going to fix them okay let's keep going it's not your work to exist for people and to give your life to them [Music] i think it's totally okay to help people it's totally great to care for people it's totally great to not want to give up on anyone that's wonderful it just shows what a wonderful caring person you are what moral strength you have it is admirable but what happens when those people reject your help when they criticize your assistance when they react negatively and they scratch back against you and push you out of their way did you do something wrong you didn't really do anything wrong you just maybe need to realize that everybody has the freedom to do what they want and i can put i can put him on hoarders but that doesn't mean he has to clean his house it's his house i mean if he wants to live in that rat den i could suggest a better way i could be willing to show up and help hey do you need some help cleaning up i'll help you clean up i'll put gloves on i'll put a mask on i'll put a bandana around my hair and i will help you clean up oh you don't want me to help oh okay well all right i gotta respect that if you like living with all these rats and all these rat droppings and all this urine and all this stuff around and broken bottles and newspapers and that's what you're comfortable with it would never work for me and i feel a lot of sympathy that you're accepting this but if that's the way you want to live then i will back up and i will not intrude in your space any longer and i will respect your decision to live as you choose to live i got yelled at for wanting to help them they're a bad person i get yelled at for wanting to help them i'm a bad person um i think you got yelled at because you're trying to push them in a direction that they're not wanting to go they don't want to change and until they want to change them why am i trying to help them okay maybe i'm the one that needs to change by accepting this is who they are they've shown me who they are and i'm a fool if i don't recognize it i can still love them i can still offer assistance but i don't need to save them i don't need to force my will in their life to clean up their life so that it fits what i think it should be wow if you feel bad if you feel compelled to force your help on them and care for them you then are the root of your own problems that is a powerful thought because in your mind you're thinking they're not treating me right they're not responding to me right they're being harsh and critical of me but what you're not realizing is you're the one that keeps putting yourself in their face you keep going after them they've already made it clear to back up but you keep trying to go after and saving them and now they're getting angry with you learn the lesson they don't want your help and that is such a painful moment i know it's painful they don't want to connect they are aunt ruth they are not granny granny come here how's my baby oh look at you did you get a haircut yeah granny i did [Laughter] no this is ain't ruth this is oh you know you guys need to put your shoes by the door you shouldn't be wearing your shoes in the house that's the relationship you're going to have with aunt ruth once you recognize that now you can live in that relationship because you know that's what it's going to be no but i could win ambrose over once aunt ruth sees how why do you need this why do you need aunt ruth to be won over why can't that ruth just be aunt ruth okay um you then become the root of all your problems fearing that they won't return the favors you granted they're probably not going to it's your only obligation to realize that you are the love um and the destiny um and accept the love you deserve i think what that's trying to say is that you don't need those people let's say it like this there's two kinds of people out there those you're building your life with and those you're building your life for i'm building my life with these people who are here to support love and care about me and i'm going to love and interact and laugh and exchange and give and be generous to these people that i'm building my life with that's where my eighty percent of my time is going to be spent that's where i'm going to work and give anything and everything i can to these people that have proven to me they want to build their life with me and then there's all the other people that we're building our life for i'm going to care about them i'm going to help them i'm going to offer wisdom insights suggestions to them but what if they i'm not building my life with those people i'm here to help them but if they reject that that bid for a relationship or if they reject that offer for hospitality or if they reject that desire to show up i'm going to respect that and i'm going to go home to the people that desire that relationship decide that you deserve true friendship real friendship people are not hamsters that you're taking care of people are not kittens they're not goldfish they're not house plants it needs to be more than just well they sit and judge how well i'm being a friend of them they cry moan whale i show up give comfort aid and assistance and then they depart again back into their life is that really friendship decide that you deserve real true friendship real true commitment true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people in my mind that does not mean financially prosperous people it means like people who have for example joy in their life but i'm a seven for you it might be something else but people that have something to give they're not just leeches you know there's an old saying like the reason their marriage didn't work is because they're two ticks with no dog they're just sucking life out but they're not bringing anything to the dinner um then wait and see how much everything begins to change don't waste your time with people who aren't worth it and i think i'm okay with that statement in terms of like giving your best energy to try to have a relationship with people on the other hand there's a big part of me that thinks like once i get full then i do need to go to those that may not be considered worth it and and reach a hand out saying you know there's more in life there's more there's you could you could be more you could live for more you could have more you could become more and so i do want to give time to those not worth it that might be said a little bit harsh um i think maybe you could say don't expect more from those people than you should change will give you the love the esteem the happiness and the protection you deserve okay well um you can probably find this you know on facebook being passed around that's where i found it is being passed around on i just saw and i was like ooh wow a lot of that stuff people pass around is just not that helpful but that was helpful i was like wow that is that is five stuff it's wisdom that all of us would benefit from hearing um from that perspective okay guys thank you for joining me for this video i hope the information is helpful and like i said at the beginning of this video if you want to reach out for coaching um my website tom lehu you can check that out i'd love to talk to you or if you're interested in learning about coaching others or you just want to go through you know the sort of the the school of coaching so that you could maybe think about this for your own life or for those that you care about and how to use the enneagram to to move toward more healthy life or lifestyle or relationships i'd love for you to uh to check out one of those certificate programs and as always be present to life and be mostly present to those people that really want to relate to you and really love you for who you are and accept you for who you are let's let's spin the bulk of our energy and our time there alright guys take care blessings

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 5,037

Rating: 4.9571428 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, relationships, family, home, parenting, marriage

Id: wUx_O8drTf8

Length: 55min 53sec (3353 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 10 2021