Enneagram: The 9's Missing Files

what is up guys thank you for joining me today my name is dr tom lehu and welcome to my channel we're going to be talking about nines today and they're missing files or their missing filing cabinet okay and uh before we get started i just want to call your attention to the description below there's a link to my website tomlehue.com where i do offer coaching appointments sometimes it can be booked up for a couple of weeks but i'd love to meet with you if you want to talk about your type or trying to figure out your type or how to be more balanced and more healthy what that might look like or better relationships i'd love to love to hear from you also we do have a couple of certificate programs if you're interested in becoming an enneagram coach um check out those certificate programs on the website just click the link at the top of the page to find out more information we have cohorts starting up and we'd love for you to consider joining one of those cohorts uh it's a six week session uh it's affordable it's fun it's on zoom i lead them uh you have time for student discussions and i'd love for you to join us in one of those cohort programs for our certificates or cohorts for our certificate programs also thanks to my patrons i really appreciate your generosity and your dedication to the channel okay let's get started today i just want to talk to you for a minute about i don't have any notes don't have any books in front of me although i am still reading this book the enneagram by helen palmer written back in the 80s deep but really good and i'm going to bring you some information from that book again i already did one video um discussing some of the stuff from that book and i'm gonna i'm gonna continue to bring you some more information from that book as i'm as i read it and go through that information but today i just wanted to talk to you for a second about nines i have a lot of appointments with nines and i talk to nines a lot i've got nines in my family um and i have a do do have a great appreciation and respect for type nine and i feel like i pretty well understand nines i'm not a nine i have no connection to nine as a seven but uh i do feel like i'm starting to get my head around what nineness is all about and one of the things that i've noticed about nines uh particularly nine wing ones it may very well be true of nine wing eights too um but one thing i've noticed about nines and all of my many appointments with nines is it seems like sometimes nines um feel a bit as though they have a some missing files um like they're missing uh some files in their filing cabinet okay so imagine your brain is like a giant filing cabinet and you got all kinds of information in there and you you can access that information and i'm not saying that nines are slow or that nines you know aren't smart or nines you know are some kind somehow delayed in some way i'm not suggesting that at all what i'm saying is is it's it's kind of like every type we when we when we want to know what we want in life we're able to access those files if we wanted to know what kind of job we wanted to do how we felt about certain music band where we wanted to eat at a restaurant what uh what we were interested in what television show we were interested in watching what career we might want to go into um it seems like from a nine's point of view like everybody has this this drawer and they've got these files in there they can access these files and they can gather that information it's like they 9c everybody else is moving off in all these directions you know um i'm going to be a dentist i'm going to be an auto repair technician i'm going to join the military and people have this drivenness this focus like they have this ability to know who they are and what they want and then go after it and they have this motivation to go after it this drive this determination and some people are extremely driven extremely motivated to go after what they want and then the nine is kind of like how do i access that information like i go to my filing cabinet and i open up the files and i start to sort through like okay what do i want to do in life there should be a file in here called what do i want to do in life i need to access that file and figure out what i want to do in life and it's like well there's a file on on my last vacation and there's a file on um uh what i enjoy and there's a file on um you know that time when i went to the park and walked the dog and there's that file back there on my first car and that was a wonderful car where's my file on what i want to do in life where's my file um on um on what's important to me on what church i want to belong to where's my file on my uh my goals for life i can't seem to find my file now i see ned and sandy they're accessing their file and look how look how uh look how strong you know they feel about what they want to do in life look how passionate they are they know they want to become a physical therapist wow that's great they went home they opened up their filing cabinet they found the file on what i want to do in life and it said physical therapist and look how driven they are they're signing up for classes they're telling everybody i'm going to become a physical therapist i'm going to become a physical therapist and everybody seems very proud of them i'm very proud of them isn't that great ned wants to be a physical therapist then when i go back to my filing cabinet and i try to access the file that says what do i want to do in life what do i want to have in life what are my goals for life it seems like my file link cabinet is missing a couple of files and i don't know where to find these files now i don't know that every nine has that experience but what i hear from nines is it seems like a lot of them like that is a good metaphor for what they're experiencing like i'm just not able to find my files so what what would a person do i'm trying to understand this from my perspective as a seven because i can access my files no problem i am oh yeah i want to do this i want to do that i if i sometimes i think if i could live a second life you know if i could um as a seven i feel like if i could live a second life i'd love to become an alternative doctor like some kind of you know homeopathic herbalist chiropractor something like that you know i think if i had a second life i would just love to i can think of like multiple what do i want to be in lives maybe and maybe that's not maybe that's not anything to brag about i don't know but i can think of like yeah i could see myself on a remote island you know running a hotel i could see myself as some kind of acupuncture physician that would be awesome to to be able to help people that nobody else you know they kind of get kicked out of the regular medical establishment nobody can help them i can see like multiple things i tell my wife all the time man if i you know had an extra life i would and then trying to understand a nine's perspective like i don't know what to do with this life i'm trying to access the files on what am i supposed to do in life or what what makes sense in life or where should i live and what job should i have and and i can't find my files i'm trying to think like what a person might do in that situation if they didn't feel like they could have access to their own files of what they want to do in life i'm trying to imagine you know what um what a person might do one of the things i think they might be inclined to do is just um access other files and kind of like well i don't know where the file is on what i want to do in life but i did find a file on how to make cinnamon rolls so that's what i need to be focused on right now is i really do want cinnamon rolls and you know i've never really learned how to make them so i should probably go on the internet and i should probably look up recipes on cinnamon rolls and you know after all people don't value cinnamon rolls like they used to people go off to the grocery store and they go buy frozen cinnamon rolls and that's just not the same so since i found the file on i like cinnamon rolls and i've always wanted to know how to make them i think maybe that's what i should spend my time on i can see i know i'm being a little bit ridiculous but i could see where that could happen like i'm opening up my drawer wait let me get my nerd glasses okay i'm opening up my drawer where's my file on uh what do i want to do in life where is my file on on what career do i want to have oh well i'm looking through my files here let me see um nope nope nope i don't see it anywhere well i found this file on um on on horses well now that's interesting i should maybe i just need to put these other files away and let's revisit this file on owning a horse i can see where somebody might be inclined to do that i think something else that might happen is where's my file on what do i want to do in life where's my file on what what what what career do i want to have and oh you know i don't i can't seem to find my file but you know when i look over here at marty's files um marty seems to have some pretty strong files over here that make a lot of sense you know maybe if i just maybe if i just borrow marty's file yeah i'll just reach over here into marty's desk and marty's got some pretty strong opinions or sandy's got some pretty strong opinions about what should be done in life and what's the right way to to do things in life and what kind of careers make sense and since i can't really find my file you know i think this file is fine i'll just become what marty thinks i should become i'll just become what what sandy thinks that or mom how about that or dad i can't seem to find the file about what i want to do in life but dad gave me his file about what i should do in life and that seems good to me that seems like that makes a lot of sense and you know i'm getting tired of digging around through my filing cabinet and not finding anything so all right dad what is it you want me to do in life okay work at the auto parts store with uncle billy okay well i think i'm supposed to work at the auto parts store with uncle billy and sometimes nines end up you know kind of doing really great at living a life that they didn't necessarily have a lot of input in designing and you know there's there's this saying right that the the it doesn't hurt when the foot goes to sleep what hurts is when the foot wakes up that's what's painful and i think the endogram is a really good tool at waking us up because we don't realize how asleep we are all of us our personality takes over our personality's in control and then one day we kind of wake up you watch a video like this and you're like wow i'm doing that i've gotten kind of slothy i i'm cutting kind of lazy to my own voice into my own files into my own opinions it oh no how is it that i became a physical therapist because all my brothers and sisters and my mom's a physical therapist who decided this for me did i go off you know uh out into a a field and sit on a rock and look through my filing cabinet you know what do i want to do with my life i'm 20 years old and i could become anything and uh yeah i found this file on what do i want to do in life and i feel very passionately and strong about that it doesn't it sounds like a lot of nines like don't have that experience uh if you did fantastic maybe this video isn't talking about you that's great but it seems like a lot of nines it's more like i don't know i went out in the field and i tried to open my files and sort through them i found some files on cinnamon rolls i found some files on horse ownership i found some files on on best beaches in america but i couldn't seem to locate the file on who i want to be what do i want to do what the plan is for my life so i i asked dad and you know dad kind of handed me his file and you know that made a lot of sense and it was worded rather strongly so i'm just kind of living the file i found um then when you wake up to that to this reality that everybody's not like this this is this is me when you wake up to that that's painful the falling to sleep isn't so painful but the standing up and you know banging your foot on the ground those pins and needles wow that's painful and it can be a painful thing when nines kind of wake up to this reality that i think i'm missing a few files or i'm having trouble accessing those files sometimes when i think about nines think about um i think about wagons okay so you know a wagon um you can attach a wagon to any tractor okay so you take this wagon and you attach it to a red tractor and then tomorrow you attach the wagon to a green tractor and the next day you attach the wagon to a brown tractor okay that wagon went all over the place wow look at that wagon go look at that wagon just you know ripping over the countryside behind the red tractor and next day it's ripping over the other countryside behind the green tractor look at that wagon it's got a lot of miles on it it's learned a lot of lessons it's accomplished a lot but then when you unhook the wagon what does it do it doesn't know what to do it kind of sits there like what am i supposed to do now now sometimes nines it's kind of like watching that wagon like they get they get in a group with a bunch of red business people okay let's say the business people are the red tractors and these business people man they're reading books on uh you know how to um how to thrive and and you can hear my kentucky accent how to thrive they're reading books on how to thrive they're reading books on you know how to make sales and how to negotiate to win and to put your best self first best self forward and how to uh to win friends and influence people and i'm looking at myself up there of john maxwell books uh winning with people uh are you ready for your life to change okay uh today matters um so nines might move into that business realm and be surrounded by a bunch of threes maybe some eights maybe one or two sevens that you know are very disciplined um and some ones and so the nine is right in there got their wagon hitch to all those successful business people and they're going to conferences and they're going to seminars and they're talking about uh corporate holdings i don't even know what that is and they're talking about um bottom lines and they're talking about um you know um implementing new structures for realized efficiency i don't even know okay so they're they're into this world and they're and they're just killing it you know driven focused and then what happens right and then all the threes go home at night and they take all of their work with them and the nine goes home at night and goes home at night and they're done and they're exhausted and they want to watch television and they want to take a dog for a walk all those business folks they're still driven they got files down there that say win win win achievements you know we've got to crush these goals we got to dominate our our field we've gotta we gotta excel beyond every other and the nine is like yeah i don't have those files but you know what i really enjoy you know looking off of your files um i really do uh benefit from reading your guys's files uh yeah win win win i believe that yeah oh yeah um today matters yeah i believe that uh negotiate for prosperity oh yeah that's great stuff i believe that 100 in fact i'll make this the mission for my life thank you for handing me this mission for my life this looks like a great mission for my life i didn't have to find my files because they handed them to me and they're doing really good so i guess i want to be like them i guess i want to do what they're doing i'll hitch my wagon to the red tractor but then what happens um when you quit that job or when you know you you when those guys all go away when those people all go away the nine might be sitting there like yeah i just don't i don't know i'm not feeling it i just because when the tractor's gone what's the wagon doing uh yeah i don't know i just i just don't seem to have that same driveness that same dedication i guess i'm a bad employee i guess i'm just not motivated i guess i just don't have the determination or the hunger that those guys have something must be wrong with me but you know if i don't pay attention to this maybe it'll just go away maybe it'll just fade away if i don't pay attention to it if i just ignore it and you know maybe i just need to uh you know focus my attention somewhere else and uh you know these these uh these cinnamon rolls aren't gonna bake themselves now then take that wagon and let's say you hitch it to um a green tractor and let's say the green tractors are a bunch of fun loving extroverts who just want to have a great time yeah we're going to go rocky mountain backpacking and then we're going to go kayaking and then we're going to uh ride the river man it's going to be awesome we're going to go on a three-month safari around the country we're going to go to glacier national park we're going to go to yellowstone we're going to go we're going to drive the pacific coast highway we're going to get it we're going to get a a van and we're going to sell tacos out of the van it's going to be awesome man you should go with this you should you it's going to be so much fun man you should go with this it's going to be awesome and the 9 says yeah that sounds great i think i'll do that i'm gonna attach my wagon to the green tractor and i'm gonna go see the world man this is what i wanna do i wanna go see the world i wanna sell tacos out of a van i wanna go to yellowstone man this is so cool i'm learning all kinds of things about about first nation native americans and what life was like before settlers came this is great man i'm really loving this but what happens when the green tractor rolls on on hitches the wagon then where does the wagon go and a lot of nines seem like they have this experience like they're okay everything's fine and there's no problems as long as they're attached to a very strong wagon or tractor and so they hook their wagon to a tractor and then well now i know why i'm here i'm here to be pulled behind this tractor and and you know load whatever you need into me because i'm fine just load me up and i'm cool i'm just hooked up to this tractor and i'm going places but then what happens when when there's a divorce what happens when the company says i'm sorry ned but um you know we we're overstaffed and coveted and we're gonna have to let a few people go and then that nine finds themselves unemployed and now they're unemployed and now they're not surrounded by the the seminar gang you know that's going to accomplish great stuff when they're not surrounded by that their their their wagon isn't hooked to the red tractor anymore or the special person in their life that has supplied them with their files um no longer is supplying them with their files and so they're not connected to the brown tractor or the green tractor they're just a wagon oh no what do i do now i don't have somebody's files that i can access to find out what i want to do so i don't know what to do and then i get the appointment you know okay dr tom um i'm just stuck i just i'm having problems getting motivated i've been off of work for six months i i was dating a girl for uh for six years and i loved her and her kids and then you know something happened in the relationship and i just i began to withdraw and um i just wasn't happy i mean i just wasn't content anymore but i didn't know what to do and so i sort of sabotaged the relationship and eventually she broke up with me and even after she broke up with me i tried really hard to get back with her i don't know why i tried to get back with her because i really it wasn't we weren't very good together but it was just painful like breaking up and and being on my own i was really afraid of being on my own so i decided you know i need to try to get back with her so i did everything i could to get back with her we got back together for six weeks but then eventually that didn't work and and now i'm back home and i'm just you know i'm just sitting on the couch i'm playing video games and um you know i'm eating cinnamon rolls and uh i uh petting horses and i i just don't i just can't get motivated like i just i you know i've i've cleaned my office i've cleaned my room and um i i even got out a to-do list i got out a to-do list and you know i wrote down um i wrote let me get my glasses on i got out my to-do list and i wrote down all the things that need to be done around here and you know i need to uh i need to rewrite my resume and i need to contact fred because fred has a lot of contacts and i need to get back on linkedin and i need to but you know i i don't know i just look at this list and i don't know where to start and maybe it's too late to start and honestly i'm just i don't know i'm just i don't have it in me i'm just i just don't even care now wait a minute remember when you were attached to those red wagons and you were going to the seminars and you or were you had that big file that big folder on like how to be a wonderful corporate executive wasn't that wasn't that your identity wasn't that who you were what happened to that oh all those people went away and now i'm just sitting here by myself like a like a wagon waiting for i don't know i guess somebody to come along that i can hook my wagon on to and and then figure out who i am and what i want to do in life um i'm just trying to imagine i'm just trying to understand you know what this conundrum must feel like um and i have all the sympathy in the world for this situation because i do talk to a lot of nines that in a sense describe their their predicament like this like i can't find my file on who i am and what i want to do in life uh but you know um there are a lot of trinkets and knickknacks on top of this filing cabinet that need to be dusted so i think i'll i'll just focus my energy on that let me just dust the filing cabinet let me get out my windex and my my my rag and i'm going to clean the that's what i need to do anyways rather than accessing the file on all those difficult questions and all those hard things i need to just organize i need to organize my files that's what i need to do i need to clean all the knickknacks you know the little uh little soldiers that are sitting up here and the little pyramid that i got when i went to mexico and you know the little uh the picture of mom i need to i need to dust my filing cabinet and then once i get done dusting my filing cabinet then i need to organize my files and put them in alphabetical order i think that's probably why i came to the filing cabinet anyway and so you know you get this nine who's should be figuring out who they are what do they want to do in life what are they passionate about what do they like what do they not like what will they accept what won't they accept what kind of job they want to do and why they want to do it instead you know they're dusting the filing cabinet they're playing xbox they're watching netflix they are um doing anything other than what needs to be done and you know when you're in the doing group eights nines and ones but you're in the center of the doing group which means you're cut off from your center what do you do when you what do you do when you don't know what to do you do other things that don't really focus your attention on what you need to be doing you distract yourself from doing what needs to be done by doing other things you distract yourself from doing what needs to be done by doing other things and so nines can be very busy um very very busy doing stuff but is it the right stuff before you do stuff well make sure you're doing the right stuff or before you do stuff right make sure you're doing the right stuff okay doing the right things now one thing one word of hope for nines okay because you're probably watching this video like okay you've summarized the problem now help me help me help me tell me what to do okay give me your file tell me what to do do you see yourself doing it okay here's something to consider my my experience is nines are as highly motivated as any other type you are motivated oh yeah you're very motivated you're just maybe not motivated your motivation looks different than the threes the eights the ones the sixes okay and i'm not saying that fours and fives aren't motive they're very motivated too all of us are extremely motivated you need to understand that your motivation looks a little different than the people that you're working with as a nine now you can hate yourself for that and you can poo poo yourself then i wish i had their motivation look how driven is successful and powerful and okay you can you can despise yourself because your motivation is different or you could learn to appreciate your motivations your impulses your compulsions and then leverage those to be very successful productive in your own right or you can just pick up their motivations which you can do as a nine you can merge with other other tractors and you can hook your wagon up and sort of follow their coattail tails you can do that merge fuse with them and sort of adopt their motivations but that's not really you that's not really your motivation i think the motivation of the nine is toward peace harmony comfort and tranquility i think one of the reasons why it's hard for you to find your files is they're going to disrupt your peace and harmony for say for example what if you pulled out a file that said i want to be a pastor and let's say that's your file and you finally find it there it is hidden under all of those other files and all those trinkets that you got on vacation there's the file on what i want to do in life i want to be a pastor okay well you know what people might have a problem with this when you go home and you say you know i think i found out what i want to do in life i want to be a pastor um what if people say well that's not you know that's not going to work for us or we're not going to pay for that that's a waste of your time you're never going to make a living at that you're never going to make money at that what if that causes problems for people or what if that seems selfish and too self-centered and too self-focused and so there might be even internal strife against saying out loud i have a right to decide for myself what i want to do in life that feels too self-involved and so even within you you've got this push back against saying out loud what i want to do with my life and what if people what if that's not convenient for mom what if she doesn't what if she doesn't agree with my decision what if she you know belongs to a different church and she doesn't respect the fact that i want to be a baptist minister or a methodist minister because she's she's something else and she's so i think it can be hard for nines you know to your part of your motivation is i want to get along with people i don't want to be a problem i don't want to like deal with people's problems i i don't want to become a problem for others i don't want people to be upset with me i don't want to cause wakes i want to i want to make the water smooth i want to harmonize i want to bring comfort to this world i want to bring peace and you know when you get motivated and driven and focused that's going to disturb my peace it's going to disturb other people's peace it's going to cause a lot of wakes it's going to rock people's boats and i'm not about that i'm not about rocking boats i'm about calm waters and still waters [Music] um okay and that's fine let's let that become the motivation for our life if if that's true that that's your motivation then let's let let's see what that would look like if that motivated us toward action let me say it like this when you look out into this world do you see peace and harmony and comfort and tranquility yeah you do some places you know healthy families healthy communities where people love each other and everybody's getting along and taking care of one another but oh my goodness there's plenty there's plenty of chaos in this world and you don't have to look very far to find it in fact p some people's hearts are filled with chaos some people's lives they just create chaos their their families are disturbed disgruntled frustrated irritated and there's disagreements and everything's awkward and the relationships are not well and there's whole businesses like that there's school systems that way universities hospitals police departments there are companies that are just dysfunctional where people don't listen to each other they don't harmonize with each other everybody's in it for themselves everybody's highly motivated and driven to self-actualize now if you're a nine you've got a mission field that's where you belong if you are a healthy nine then you need to be going toward that chaos think of yourself as more like a rescue worker or like a therapist or a counselor now when you're overwhelmed and you don't know why you're here and you just beating yourself up because you're not driven like all those people are it's going to be hard for you to find the energy to go out into this world and shine your light because you're just beating yourself up then i don't know what's wrong with me but when your motivation is comfort peace tranquility harmony okay go bring that into the world go find where there's disharmony go find where there's conflict go find where there's chaos oh dr tom i don't have the energy to face that okay what if you did what if you did have the energy what if you did have the confidence to just go right into where the conflict is what would you want to do well the first thing you want to do is get away from it it probably just i gotta back out of here this is terrible this is awful these these people don't care about each other they don't get along okay that's your impulse to get away from it but what if you were there to bring healing to it what if you were there to harmonize this group what if you use your motivation to make a difference make an impact let what i'm saying is let them become the salesperson of the year look their motivation is to prove their worth and value by everything they achieve so let them do that don't feel like you need that motivation for you that's not what motivates you you're not motivated by proving your worth and value by everything you accomplish some people are motivated by making sure everybody knows that i'm in control and not them that's not your motivation so let the eights do what eights do applaud their hard work and their dedication or the ones i see things that are not right and i correct them and i make them right i'm a good boy i take things that aren't right i make them right i manage and organize things great as a nine applaud that we need those people to be doing those things but we also desperately desperately need nines who are healthy who will join the team and turn us into a team make us into a team because right now every man for himself everybody's doing for themselves what's best for themselves they're all working and positioning themselves you know for their own advancement and for their own betterment we need a healthy nine to join this team and say guys guys guys hey hey hey slow down slow down look if you don't take a break you're all gonna end up broken and if you're not more you know observing to life um you know you're wrestling with life you're fighting with life let's slow down for a minute and let's just talk let's just get to know each other let's just take a second and let's just harmonize with each other because every good team needs harmony every good team needs to learn how to work together needs to learn how to get along with each other but i don't want to slow down long enough to understand your point of view and you don't want to slow down long enough to understand my point of view so we need nines can you see this we need nines in this world to slow us down listen to each other get on the same page and learn how to work together let that motivate you like i could bring that into the world yes yes you can bring that into the world and we will all be more successful when we bring in a little bit of this nine definition of success living in harmony with the world living in harmony with each other living in harmony with the world we all need that we don't know we need it but you know we need it so what could you do today to bring some harmony into the chaos into the conflict now if you if you decide you're gonna do this job you're gonna need both wings you're gonna have to you're gonna have to lean into that one and okay i need to get my to-do list out and i need to be focused on getting done what needs to be done i can't put it off and you're gonna need that eight wing all right there's gonna be times when i get some pushback when i start speaking up in meetings and i say marty marty hold on marty now hang on we've already heard your side let's listen to jill that's going to take a little bit of that eight courage boldness strength empowerment for you to speak up like that and to slow people's role slow them down for a minute and say wait whoa whoa whoa whoa ho ho ho ho we've already heard your side now marty you need to listen to jill go ahead jill now watch that's nine values that everybody ought to be heard that everybody ought to be listened to that everybody ought to be able to contribute and that we ought to work together and have harmony and work like a team that's not necessarily the values of every other type so we need your voice join the group speak up bring peace and comfort into your family bring peace and comfort and harmony into your place of work into your church environment when their strife your impulses to get out what if you could stay what if you could withstand it what if you could bend like a palm tree and then when all that subsides to come back up look people in the eye and say now wait hold on slow down guys now we need to talk this out i think you might find i do have a file after all i do have a file and it's to bring peace harmony comfort tranquility into this chaotic broken dysfunctional messed up world now how do i know i want to know what i want to do in life um well whatever job you take um is kind of secondary to that purpose that you fulfill in bringing harmony to the world okay i hope it makes sense i think i'm i think i'm right um as always i certainly appreciate your all's input and your comments all right guys be present to life um and when i say be present to life nines um let's go dig around that file cabinet and let's let's let's go once again out there to that that rock out in the middle of the forest and let's try to listen to ourselves and i know everybody else's files are very impressive and very strongly worded i know everybody's voice other voices are very strong but what's your voice saying what what are you hearing from inside up turn off the phone turn off netflix turn off youtube you know the dog could be walked later you don't need to make the cinnamon rolls right now i want you to sit out in the woods there in the sunlight on the front porch whatever and i want you to just listen to your own voice for 20 30 minutes well what if i hear stuff that disturbs my peace good good that's fine maybe your peace needs to be disturbed a little bit so that you can bring peace into this into this broken world all right guys thank you be present to life

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 10,579

Rating: 4.9352517 out of 5

Keywords: enneagram, type 9, type nine, family, relationships, personalities, love, marriage, parenting

Id: fBOVyWxAIsY

Length: 42min 43sec (2563 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 02 2021